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She should never have taken the divorce papers out of the envelope.
She should have just sent them directly on to be filed. Crossed out the address of the apartment she was living out of boxes in, put the court’s and sent them straight on.
But she hadn’t.
She’d opened them. Partly because she wouldn’t have believed Jay had signed them without seeing the signatures for herself. He hadn’t acknowledged her asking for a divorce at all. No asking why, no begging her to reconsider. He’d just, stopped calling again.
Part of her reason for filing in the first place was to see if he still wanted to be married to her. The way Hailey had seen it, she was the only one trying to keep their relationship going and she wanted to see if Jay would return the effort if the roles were reversed. He had talked a good game about her being the love of his life and getting through the separation, but actions spoke louder than words and since leaving his had screamed volumes.
She didn’t blame him, not really. He was allowed to reevaluate, to see her as part of the problems that had caused him to leave. She had started the whole chain of events after all.
The trouble was, they had developed feelings slowly but fallen in love hard and fast. When she’d spoken to her brother about it, Andy had described it as lighting a fire, with the sparks taking a lot of careful preparation to ensure that they would catch but burning quickly and fiercely once they did. It made sense for them to burn out just as fast when Hailey and Jay had stopped tending to the flame.
He’d used other metaphors too, the aspiring artist he had always been, but that one had rang the most true to her. Her and Jay had simply ran their course, and that was something Hailey could accept even if she didn’t like it.
But seeing the divorce papers baring her soon to be ex-husband’s signature made something twist in her stomach, despite the fact she had accepted it was simply what needed to be done.
There had been another note in with them. A small simple envelope with her name on in Jay’s handwriting.
She hadn’t opened it.
She didn’t let herself think about the papers, about the divorce as anything more than matter of fact.
Even though it took her a week to take the papers into work with her to post. And probably would have taken another had she not been already pissed off when Voight asked about them. Which was her fault for leaving them out on her desk. She was just lucky it wasn’t one of the others who had said something, as there would have been a lot more prompting her to talk about her feelings.
She didn’t know what made her pick up the envelope when Voight left. The one that had been tucked in her drawer, a simple white with just her name on.
She sat back on the floor, beside the box of photos she’d kicked earlier, and opened it.
Hailey, it read
I’m sorry. That feels as good a place as any to start, saying I’m sorry. Because I am, for everything.
I’m sorry for not calling since I got the news you wanted a divorce. I figured the last thing you wanted was to hear from me.
I’m sorry for not calling more before that. Hearing your voice just made everything harder, the separation, the homesickness, and served as a reminder of all of the reasons I had to leave in the first place. Honestly, I’m embarrassed by the things I did and being reminded of all the ways I messed up just let me convince myself you didn’t want to hear from me. You deserve so much better than me.
I’m sorry I hurt you by leaving. I didn’t want to leave you, but I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing, and it seemed like me being in your life was hurting you and I didn’t want that.
I’m sorry I ever hurt you at all. It was never my intention. It was usually the opposite of what I was trying to do. I just wanted to protect you.
I’m sorry for not coming home sooner. I couldn’t make myself leave when I was doing good, not to go back to a life I caused so much pain in. And it didn’t help that after that first time I extended my bosses kept asking me to stay in that way that means they aren’t really asking.
I’m sorry I missed our anniversary, and your birthday. I know you’re not big on the holidays, but I’m sorry I missed those too.
I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to do this. You’re still the love of my life, although that probably doesn’t mean much to you now, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be the husband you needed.
I’m sorry. I wish we could work things out, but I know you so I know this isn’t something you can be convinced not to go ahead with. You wouldn’t have asked if you weren’t sure.
I’m sorry for signing these. I didn’t want to, but if it’s the last thing I can do to make you happy, then I’m prepared to do it. I love you and all I want is for you to be happy, even if it’s not with me.
I guess I’m just sorry. For everything.
Love, always,
Jay
Hailey’s heart dropped to her stomach as she scrambled for her phone. Whatever she had expected the note to say, it wasn’t that. It wasn’t the heartfelt apologies that sounded like the man she married baring his soul on the tear stained page.
She scrolled furiously through her contacts, pausing on Jay’s name for a moment before landing on Trudy and dialling.
"Hey, are you still at the station?" She blurted out the moment the call connected.
"Woah there." Trudy told her. "Breathing is a necessity, not a luxury. Take a second."
"I’m sorry." Hailey sighed, allowing herself to inhale as she heard the blood pumping through her skull.
"That’s okay. And to answer your question, yes I am but I’m leaving soon. Why?"
"Has the post gone out?"
"Not since about nine this morning. Same as every day." Trudy said slowly "Why?"
"I dropped an envelope in the out tray earlier and I just realised it needs another going over before I can send it off." She lied. "Could you grab it for me and put it in my locker?"
"Of course. What does it look like?"
"Uh, large brown envelope. Stamp kind of messily stuck on." Hailey took a deep breath knowing Trudy probably needed the rest of the information but that saying it would reveal exactly what she was asking for. "Addressed to the courts and feels like kind of heavy paperwork."
There was a pause for a moment before Trudy spoke again. "I’ve got it. In your locker, you said?"
"Yeah. Thanks Trudy."
"No problem kid. And look, you ever need someone to talk to about whatever is in that envelope, I’m right here."
"I know you are. Thank you." She said softly. "I’ll see you tomorrow."
When Hailey got into work the next morning, there was a post it on the envelope that had been carefully placed on the shelf of her locker, reaffirming the offer to talk. She left the note and the envelope alone until the end of the day, as she was packing her bag to leave.
The note got stuck to the inside of the locker door, in the empty space left by the picture of Jay she’d removed when it got to painful to keep looking at, and the envelope went in her bag to go home.
She could put them back in the drawer and sit on them for another few days, maybe a week. She just needed another week or two to make sure she was ready to post them.