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you deserve someone who looks at you at your mid-laugh and feels like the luckiest person on earth
Brendon hadn’t noticed the pattern he had been following over the last couple of days, not until his parents questioned him about it. He failed to give them a believable response, when he didn’t particularly have one in the first place. Again, he was painfully unaware.
Practically there was no real reason for him to wake up at an ungodly hour every morning, taking a little more time than necessary dressing up in nice clothes, doing his hair, and then driving to college when god knows his earliest class doesn't start until 9 am. Still, he managed to walk on campus, breathing the chill breeze of the morning that hasn’t fully bloomed yet.
His feet drag him automatically to the nearest cafeteria, just beside the building where most of his classes take place. Casually sitting on the exact same, uncomfortable bench he had sat the day before, and waits. Pulling out his laptop to work on an essay he had left undone the night before, with the excuse he would go to sleep at a decent hour, a win in his opinion, only to wake up earlier the next morning and finish it on campus.
Minutes later, Brendon frowns when his phone screen lights up with an upcoming text, briefly forgetting he had in fact, turned off the not disturbing mode right before leaving his house, expecting a response to his latest message. The frown that had taken over his face, quickly turns into a gentle smile after a promise of ‘I'll be there soon.’
That’s when Brendon recalls his parents' previous questioning, he clearly had been following a new routine. One that involved getting earlier to campus so he could spend extra time with his friends, since they couldn’t really see each other with their messed up schedules —who would think they wouldn’t be spending all the time together when they share majors. Although, most of the time, if not all the time, it happened that just one of them followed Brendon’s idea of hanging out before their classes, usually meeting for breakfast. And he would be blatantly lying if he said he didn’t enjoy spending time with him .
At some point he pulls out his earbuds also, playing the same playlist from the day before. Which might just be the one he recommended Brendon to listen to, after a desperate call of needing new music when his own playlist didn’t fit his ongoing mood. Brendon was just so glad his friend happened to have a wonderful music taste that matched his weird tendencies.
When Brendon notices a figure walking towards him in his peripheral vision, he forces his eyes to stay in place on the laptop screen. Over analyzing possible grammatical errors in the essay, which they weren’t any after checking that many times. Hands typing unnecessary words that would definitely be erased later. Anything really, all that effort to make it look effortless.
“Hey, Bren.” And how badly Brendon wishes he wouldn’t shorten his name, wouldn’t give him nicknames, it played tricks on his mind.
“Hi there.” Brendon replies easily, now allowing himself to look up to where the voice had come from, finding Ryan had already made himself comfortable in the bench in front of him, or as comfortable as they could on a flat bench. Throwing his bag on the grass below the table that stood between them.
Routinely, they find themselves in the same scenario from previous encounters. Except for the mere fact they had changed their clothes, both of them actually wearing something similar. Brendon doesn’t allow himself to think about it for too long, after all, anyone can choose jeans and a white shirt.
“So, what’re you doing?” Ryan inquires, and Brendon hates how easy it is for him to just turn over his laptop and show him. Even if Ryan hadn’t exactly asked to see, he knows Brendon would show him anyway.
“I’ve gotta turn in this essay today. I thought I’d finish it last night, but I fell asleep.” Is Brendon lying to himself? Not necessarily. His night owl self had been shifting into an early bird, without him even approving the change, although loving the consequences.
“But I’m not finding the right words. I think I’ll wait until I’m bored out of my mind in class.” After a questioning glance from Ryan, Brendon defends his methods. “Hey, it works! It has for the past semester.”
“Whatever floats your boat.” Concludes Ryan, with a roll of his eyes that Brendon really shouldn’t find as attractive as he does.
“So, what will you have for breakfast today?”
—
Out of all the classes Brendon had throughout the week, there were just two that all his friends were in. Not like there were many people within the friend group, just four, including Brendon.
So they got the chance to sit together in the auditorium, doing everything but pay attention to class; except Ryan, a smart mind within a gorgeous body that made Brendon more than a little lightheaded, he would shake his head politely and remind Brendon that somebody had to take notes, so they wouldn’t fail the class.
He really loved hanging out with his dear and loving Spencer and Jon, they were so fun and easy to be with, laughs guaranteed. But… one way or another, Brendon ended up pairing with Ryan. It just kept happening, coincidentally or not. And naturally, the boy didn’t mind it at all.
The middle aged teacher keeps talking about whichever topic of that day, commenting on certain aspects that would surely appear on the next test. Brendon should really pay attention, but he has his laptop on, the search bar waiting for him to type something. It looks so empty that it warms Brendon’s heart, making him search for his favorite website with shitty online games that he somehow still visits since he figured out how to use his family’s computer. Yeah, he definitely doesn’t feel like paying attention that day, and clicks on a sudoku game.
“Why don’t you play fireboy and watergirl?” Whispers Ryan near his left ear, voice sickeningly sweet Brendon almost shivers.
Brendon carefully turns his head around until he’s looking at Ryan, a little closer than he had imagined. Who knows, if he had done it swiftly instead, they would’ve knocked their heads together. Not like Brendon minded, but they were in the middle of class, and dragging everyone’s attention wasn’t in his plans for the day.
“ ‘Cause that’s a game for two?” Comes Brendon’s reply. Although he knows he’d be perfectly able to play it with both hands thanks to his hyperactive mind, has done before, it makes him feel lonely. Especially after having played the game with Ryan before that one time.
“I like that game…” Says Ryan almost sadly, almost. His monotone voice doesn’t trick Brendon; he’d proudly say he learned to pick up certain emotions, when last year could only hear plain words. And Ryan could be teasing… but it’s not like Brendon can trust his mind when it comes to Ryan.
“You’re paying attention in class though… We need you, Ry, our savior.” Brendon pouts, even though his hand is already closing the sudoku tab and searching for the other game.
Ryan carefully closes his notebook, puts the cap on his characteristic black pen, and smiles at Brendon. “Well, I’m bored now. I want to play too.”
Brendon hadn’t clicked so fast on a game.
“So, last time you were the girl, but I’ll be honest, you kind of sucked.” Brendon confesses, lifting up his arms in an ‘innocent’ manner.
“Shut up, I had never played it before…” Ryan glared at Brendon for a second, before playfully slapping his arm, in such an effortless way Brendon wondered how their other friends hadn’t noticed them; stuck in the Spencer and Jon bubble, it seems. “Letters suck to play, let’s change this time.”
Brendon pretends to ponder his decision, tapping his fingers on his laptop. Then, “It’s okay, I can be the girl.” And as an afterthought, “only for you, Ross. Only for you.”
—
The campus wasn’t the biggest campus in the country. Community college and all, it was decent sized, at least larger than the high school Brendon attended just a year prior. There was a mild inconvenience according to him…
He had loved how the parking lot was so close to the English buildings, his tiny and untrained legs thanked him for it everyday. But, they had crappy cafeterias over there, and needed to walk an extra distance to reach the good ones in the farther end of campus. Sometimes it was worth the walk, other times, it wasn’t.
However, a cloudy sky welcomes him with open arms to even want to take a walk and get himself a decent coffee, and maybe a salad. He is feeling that good. Brendon meets an awaiting Ryan on their usual table, and suggests grabbing some good quality coffee.
“Sure, I’d like that.” Shrugs Ryan, picking up his bag and joining Brendon on the path that led the way. The latter makes sure there’s a safe distance between them, wouldn’t like to brush their hands accidentally.
Their walk is almost silent besides every other question about homework, yet another essay to write, more books to read. One of which, Ryan already started and is halfway through, whereas Brendon hasn’t even got a copy. Instead of stressing about it, he asks Ryan’s opinion on it so far; his view of it always excites him more than the actual book.
Soon they’re walking inside a local coffee place, the strong smell of espresso filling their senses. Brendon’s half sure Jon had mentioned that he worked there, but there wasn’t actual proof that he did. Maybe it was a dream, or was Jon high when he said it? High chances he was.
He brushed the thought off and focused on the large menu hanging over the animated looking barista’s head. Pondering between a cold or hot drink, sweet or sour. The weather begged him to get hot chocolate, or anything warm, but he was faithful to his coffee order.
When he’s done choosing, he pulls out his wallet from his back pocket. An empty wallet, it seems. He frowns and looks thoroughly for a bill somewhere, he swears he has cash in there, but there’s only his id, driver’s license and a credit card he’s frightened to use, and going by a sign outside, they don’t accept credit cards. Apparently they don’t trust college students enough.
“Is everything okay?” Asks Ryan by his side.
“Yeah, I just… I thought I had cash, but I can’t find any. I must have spent it, forgot about it.” Brendon laughs, masking his embarrassment the best he can. One of the few times he gets to take a proper walk with Ryan with the excuse to get coffee, and he fucks it all up. “I have my credit card, though they don’t take those. You go and buy something, I’ll wait-”
“Bren,” Ryan grabs Brendon’s forearm, and he’s not allowed to admire for long enough where Ryan is lightly wrapping his spindly fingers around his skin, feeling the slight warmth, when he’s forced to look up when the boy continues, “don’t sweat it, I'll get it for you. What do you like?”
“No, it’s fine. I can’t accept it.” Reassures Brendon, feeling a little lightheaded that Ryan hasn’t let go of his arm yet.
“Bren, I’m inviting.” Oh Ryan, he shouldn’t have said those words. They just made a thousand new scenarios appear in Brendon's mind, which he’ll play before falling asleep.
“Okay, but only if you’re totally and completely okay with it.” Agrees Brendon, feeling unsure still. In all honesty, if Ryan doesn’t retrieve his hand soon, Brendon might as well ask to marry him already.
“Bren.” And that is Ryan stating he’ll buy coffee for Brendon and won’t take no for an answer.
“I’ll have whatever you’re having.” Replies Brendon through a grin, adding “please.”
And the moment when Ryan finally lets go of Brendon’s arm, not before pulling the slightest bit of pressure before doing so, comes. The boy pulls out his wallet this time and goes to order whatever he fancies that day, leaving a breathless Brendon standing near the door.
He doesn’t notice that when Ryan comes back, he’s already holding two plastic cups that surely don’t look identical, quite the opposite actually. And when Brendon tastes a hint of caramel in the icy drink, he’s positive Ryan got him what he had in mind before the tragedy happened.
“I know you don’t like americano. And I happen to remember some things.” Meaning he remembered the last time they came here and what he ordered.
Yeah, that night it would take Brendon a little longer to sleep. That many scenarios he could go insane right then and there.
—
There are songs Brendon likes, and so does Ryan. It’s easy to find out some of the songs that match comparing playlists, and it’s not like Ryan has that many to begin with, an easy task really.
So now that Brendon has that piece of information stored away, every time one of those songs comes on, he listens more intently than usual.
He even talks Ryan into making a playlist together, because they spend so much time together they need a specific playlist that fits both. Clearly ignoring the fact that Brendon's love language might be sharing music, but he won’t talk about it.
Thing is, there’s an exclusive song collection that has become inside jokes, a really short amount, less than 5 songs. But those songs now mean something entirely different than what they did before.
Brendon’s not sure if he loves or hates having ‘I wanna be yours’ on that secluded list.
There’s no reason he should be getting butterflies after he catches Ryan writing something on his laptop, who would presumably be taking notes, but he’s not and Brendon knows it.
Ryan is currently typing nonsense, deleting it right after. Brendon watches over his shoulder, he wouldn’t miss any opportunity to see his skilled hands doing such a mundane task. And Ryan knows he’s being observed, so he writes silly things that make Brendon laugh.
After writing a particular sentence though, Ryan blocks Brendon from seeing it and quickly deletes it. That’s when Brendon retrieves his own laptop from Ryan’s grip, who’s a little reluctant but gives in —the boy has a laptop of his own, but never brings it with him for some reason, so he takes Brendon’s. Two clicks in and he sees what Ryan deleted.
‘if you like your coffee hot, let me be your coffee pot’
A line so cheesy that it became a joke, from a song that belonged in the inside jokes list. Surely, it shouldn’t bring any reaction apart from it being just that, a funny joke. Yet, it does.
—
For starters, Brendon had never been the smartest guy in class, his grades mattered, but not to the point he’d cry over a bad note. Unfortunately, that habit was left behind, buried beside his high school memories. He now cares a little more, it’s just that. Surely.
As much as he wouldn’t like to admit it, he’s tearing up in the middle of campus, looking at a goddamned C. The morning is cold, his eyes turning red, nose running unpleasantly, and he’s not feeling like drinking coffee anymore, even if he had taken an extra five minutes at home.
On instinct, he pulls out his earbuds to black out any external noise that could distract him. One of his comfort albums starts playing, he simply wants to lay down on the grass, looking up at the clear sky, waiting for his emotions to go away.
At some point he decides to channel his emotions through pen and paper instead. Mixing words with ugly drawings, angrily scratching over words and replacing them with horrible designs that any drunk person could tattoo on themselves, regretting afterwards. A hobbie he thought had left it in the past, but resurges from time to time. The notebook pages end up looking like an abandoned place with its graffitied walls, at least his mind seems clearer now.
“Hey, B.”
Brendon hadn’t expected to see him today, but now that Ryan stands before him, a tall figure hovering over Brendon’s place on the grass, he admits it makes him feel calm, maybe a little happy. He pauses the music and saves his earbuds in automatic. “Hi… I thought you weren’t coming today?”
“Yeah, no… I wanted to come by.” Ryan shrugs, sitting opposite of Brendon. For a second the latter got worried his jeans would get grass stains on them, they looked good on Ryan. The words felt sympathetic.
“Oh.” What was Brendon supposed to say? Had Ryan noticed he had been crying before he appeared? Was it evident on his face? He had to have tear stains on his cheeks or something. The boy was simply that smart to figure it out on his own though. Or maybe he hadn’t even noticed.
“So, what are you gonna do now?” Ryan had been informed of Brendon’s situation by the boy himself. And the sorrowful text, with many sarcastic undertones, he received not even half an hour ago, may or may not have been the reason he dressed and walked to campus only to find Brendon.
“Well, I don’t know yet. I’ll have to speak with the teacher.”
“If you need anything, Bren, you know I can help.” The boy smiles, reaching one of his hands to soothe Brendon’s shaking hand. He hadn’t noticed it was shaking before Ryan made it stop.
“Thank you, Ry.”
Ryan gives his hand a final, gentle squeeze before letting go. The tiny gesture manages to bring the first real smile of the day to Brendon’s face.
“Hey, at least I got to confirm this eyeliner is waterproof.” Brendon was sure that Ryan knew he had been crying. Why not joke about it.
“But you’re not wearing any?”
“That’s also true.”
—
Having a car certainly had its perks. An old model, but it was his . Brendon felt a thousand times more free than he did before he got it from his parents. After being asked whether he preferred leaving the house to live independently in a tiny department, or get a car but still be under his parents roof, he went with the car. His decision hasn’t changed ever since.
Sure, he became the perfect target of jokes from time to time, when his friends got reminded of the fact little Brendon still lives with his parents. When Ryan was renting an apartment for himself —being one of the foreign students who didn’t want to live in the college dorms and all— and Spencer and Jon who shared yet another department, only a little bigger than Ryan’s.
“Hey, I got a car though.” Would be Brendon's response over and over again, hence none of them had one. It was perfectly valid in his opinion.
But when it came to plans outside of school, it meant he was the designated driver. And Brendon was such a nice person he had never asked them for money for gas.
They’re on their way to a mall, the most basic option just because they’re that level of indecisiveness. Brendon drives with Ryan as the copilot, who instinctively connected his phone to the stereo and to Brendon’s surprise, started playing their playlist. Meanwhile, the other pair discussed heatedly about whether they should watch a horror movie or a comedy one.
On a red light, Brendon turns his attention to Ryan and whispers. “I don’t feel like watching a movie though… Do you?”
Ryan leans closer to Brendon’s ear, “Me neither. But don’t tell them, it’ll hurt their feelings.”
Before Brendon gets the chance to laugh, he’s forced to return his attention on the road. The smile on his face lingering still. The rest of the drive consists of Brendon straining his ears to catch the music over the arguments that kept going, even when they had already concluded on a comedy one. A new problem arose then, which flavor of popcorn?
If Ryan was finding it hard not to laugh at the dumbness of it all, Brendon was holding back tears . Fortunately they arrived at the mall when the pair agreed on half caramel, half cheese popcorn. They acted like a married couple; Brendon would gladly be one of the best men, they just needed to ask.
They walked inside the mall, and as soon as he could, Brendon denied going to the movies with them, holding onto Ryan for moral support, who also said no. With not much questioning, Spencer shrugged and grabbed Jon’s arm, wishing each other a fun night and left separate ways.
They walked along the shops the mall had to offer, nowhere in particular, just opposite of the cinema. Brendon knew they would probably end in the food court. He breathed out. “For a moment there I thought someone would end up kicked out of the car.”
“Yeah, me too.” Ryan agrees, and he’s laughing now. The laugh Brendon wanted to hear instead of silly arguments over pointless stuff. He really loved his friends, so he won’t say they ruined the moment, but they certainly managed to kill some spirits.
Not long after they are facing the awaiting food court. Pizza, burgers, salads, ice cream, coffee, both of the latter, Chinese and Mexican food, you name it. Ryan asks, “You’re hungry?”
And Brendon replies, “Starving.”
Unlike a remarkable couple of people, they go for pepperoni pizza with not much rodeos. This time Brendon checked his wallet three times, he wouldn’t be leaving his house without money, not today. Not when he was considering inviting Ryan’s dinner.
Just then, Brendon gets the notion they might as well be on a date. Both of them walking a little too close to one another, surrounded by couples everywhere, and just about to order pizza, which Ryan remains unaware that Brendon will pay for. Hell, the boy will pay for everything Ryan wants, anything he might need.
Yeah, he can just call it a date and go on. It’s fine by him if Ryan’s unaware of the fact it’s very date-like. He can live with it.
When it’s their turn to order, Brendon takes the initiative, totally leaving Ryan with the intention. “Hey, can I have two pepperoni pizzas, both with iced tea, please?” And then he pays and doesn’t allow the boy to give him any bill. “Nut uh, Ry, I’m paying this time.”
“Bren, take the bill.”
“I won’t.”
“I insist.”
“And I insist that you don’t.”
“I’ll hook it in your underwear if you don’t take it.”
“You wouldn’t…” Brendon can’t help blushing after that peculiar word selection, the mental image… “Still, I’m paying this time.”
“Fine then.” Ryan gives in, turning around in the direction of the closest table to the pizza place, where they’ll be waiting. He mutters whenever Brendon decides to follow, “Dessert is up to me though.”
Well, “I can deal with that.”
…
For a fast eater, Brendon’s surely taking his sweet time finishing his own pizza, when Ryan’s already gone. His nerves make Brendon’s mouth move faster than his own thoughts, good thing he’s usually the leader of the conversation.
Volleying between criticizing classmates, ex classmates, teachers. Fresh and not so fresh gossip. The latest book they’ve read. A new movie they should watch, one that hopefully would start drama between their friends. Yeah, an extension of their morning talks on campus, except for the fact they were at a mall, on a date that wasn’t a date.
Eventually their conversation turns to Ryan. And there’s a thought that keeps Brendon awake at night. The possibility of Ryan ever leaving the city and going back to his home state. It would absolutely crush him, but who was Brendon to decide for Ryan? “So, do you ever think about going back home?”
Ryan frowns before saying anything. Brendon immediately regrets asking, feeling the need to slap himself. Curiosity killed the cat — when had he turned into a cat?
Brendon didn’t know Ryan’s entire biography, but in previous conversations the boy had commented on their family household. And he wouldn’t call it a hostile environment, just loud, all the time.
Ryan does answer, “I might go back in the holidays, but I’m not sure… I really enjoy it here. Besides, I like having my own space.”
“Well, I’m glad. The townsfolk and I are pleased to have your kind presence here.”
“Shut up.” And there it is, Brendon just rescued the smile that had faltered mere seconds ago. Mentally cheering for the victory. “So, you’re done eating now? I’m starting to think I’m actually hanging out with a sloth.”
“You’re really funny.” States Brendon through a tight smile, trying to sound sarcastic but it only comes out as holding back laughter. “But yeah, I’m done.”
“Good then.” And just like that, Ryan stands up, suddenly in a rush, picks up their empty pizza boxes and throws them in the nearest can. “We’re having ice cream now.”
Brendon didn’t have the heart to tell him he was so full already. It was dessert after all, and everyone always had extra room for that.
They get a simple vanilla ice cream cone each. Ryan insisted on paying this time around, not even letting Brendon say a word where they stood in front of the counter. But he thanks him thoroughly as soon as they’re leaving the food court, walking along the stores in the direction of the cinema. Where they’d be meeting the married couple that wasn't actually a couple, even though they wouldn’t be out until half an hour later. The wait worked perfectly for Brendon:
They go to sit on an empty bench in front of a tiny fountain, the only thing getting in between them and a music store. Brendon takes a mental note to come back sometime, he knows Ryan’s birthday is coming up, and he has a feeling he’d find the perfect gift there. One of Ryan’s favorite albums, he bet the boy would look so happy. And then they’d go to a library where he can choose whichever book and Brendon will buy it for him.
That’s something he really shouldn’t be thinking about, it’s reality mixing with a messed fantasy. A fantasy he would wish turned real. Nobody asked him to go and fall for his friend, and yet he did. He was throughly fucked.
The sound of water cascading down from the fountain is keeping his head busy. Almost too busy Brendon’s forgetting to overthink. Overwhelmed by a sudden urge to kiss Ryan, who’s looking so pretty and kissable holding his ice cream cone, so careful to not get any in his slender fingers.
He must be dreaming when he asks, he’s sure he wouldn’t Harv the confidence otherwise. “If I do something pretty out of the ordinary, would you get mad at me?” Brendon’s eyes catch Ryan’s gaze for a second too long, soon drifting away from where Ryan is analyzing him.
“What do you mean?” He’s really going to make Brendon say it, isn’t it?
“Well, yeah… you promise you won’t get mad at me?”
“I guess it depends. What is it, B?”
Brendon doesn’t answer, simply surges forward and connects their lips. A careful peck that leaves him breathless, but at the same time confused when Ryan doesn’t kiss back immediately. In his perfect dreams Ryan responds to it with such a passion. Guess Brendon wasn’t dreaming after all.
He pulls back, his mind reeling with regret. Brendon knew it was a bad thing to do, he read the situation wrong, they bought each other food because that’s what friends do, it’s just being polite. Ryan’s definitely so mad at him for even considering the possibility, he might as well just go home already.
Thankfully, all those thoughts are ripped off his mind as quickly as they had appeared.
Ryan kisses back, lunging forward and kissing him with a little more force and enthusiasm than previously. Grabbing Brendon by the collar of his shirt to get him closer, then moving to hold him by the neck.
The boy swiftly answers, kicking into motion and caressing Ryan’s cheek, which shouldn’t feel as smooth as it does when there’s literal stubble in the skin. Still, not as smooth and delicate as Ryan’s lips. God, he had been craving to taste them for so long.
In the heart of the moment, Brendon just hoped Ryan felt the same, although he could tell he did, going by the way he was returning his kisses feverishly. He could always ask later, but right then the only thing he wanted to do was keep kissing for a little longer, searching, savoring and tattooing Ryan’s taste.
Brendon is eternally grateful he didn’t waste any time imagining all those fantasies. Having Ryan there, kissing him and making these tiny noises as he does so, just made half of them become true, and hopefully, the boy would be up for completing the rest.
…
Meanwhile, as Spencer and Jon walk out of the cinema, they notice the newest couple making out quite heatedly.
“Well, it finally happened.” Sighs Jon, feeling a little proud that their children finally admitted what was so painfully obvious to everyone but them.
“God, right. The courting act seemed to go on forever.”
“Should we leave already, or wait for them?”
“We can get ice cream in the meantime. Hopefully they’ll be done by then.”
“Trust me, they won’t… but we can still get ice cream.”
“Sounds about right.”