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I looked at the ticket in my hands while a loud groan escaped my lips. I wasn't sure if my decision was a good one. We have last seen each other exactly 7 months, 23 day, 4 hours and 38 seconds ago. And I couldn't stop thinking about him since this day. I couldn't even remember why I walked away. But it was clear from the beginning. We both knew I wouldn't stay forever; I've never been long at one place. This one year with Luke was the best year of my life but at some point I moved on.
"Could you please move forward? Otherwise we'll miss the concert," a girl behind me complained. I rolled my eyes, took a look at the tickets again and made the decision to follow all those fans the boys had. I followed the stream slowly, got carried away easily until I stood in the stadium the boys played at. Was I proud of them? Of course I was. The places they played at a year ago weren't even that huge. They just dreamed of it. And now they played at sold-out, huge stadiums. I squeezed trough many unknown faces just to get a place as near at the front as possible. But not too near; because I didn't want to be seen by him. At least I thought that. I fought regardless of losses until I got a place in fourth row. I still wasn't sure if this was a good idea but there was no turning back now.
Maybe it would have been better if I have waited for the opening act to finish their set. I was nervous, I felt sick and I tried to not kill the girls around me. How could they talk about the boys in this way? They're not objects. I buried my face in my hands, closed my eyes and couldn't stop groaning. I wanted this moment passed by as quickly as possible. The support group was good but I was impatient. I wanted to know what the boys had made of themselves, particularly Luke; I wanted to know what he made of himself, how he's doing, if he's doing well. I needed to know if my decision was the right one. I needed it now.
The lights went off, the shouting began. Ashton was the first entering the stage and I couldn't stop the smile creeping on my lips. He didn't change a bit; except his biceps maybe. What is this guy doing? Did he visit a gym daily to lift weights? I laughed quietly at this thought. That wasn't the case; of course. Next was Michael, his hair dyed in a deep black. Good choice; I always liked this color best. Calum was his old self too, what else. I never doubted that the boys would not change.
My heart stopped beating as Luke entered the stage and took even more speed right after. I grabbed my chest because I was afraid it could jump out of its thorax. He didn't change. Still the same lip ring, his long legs, the blond hair and his bright blue eyes. A big smile graced his lips and his eyes were shining. I wasn't sure if I had ever seen him this happy. Now I knew it was a good decision to go, even if it didn't seem like it at the first impression. It was always just about his happiness. I smiled and looked up at the four boys who were my closest friends a long time ago. They weren't boys anymore, they grew into young men. I could concentrate on the concert now that I knew Luke was happy. That was the reason I came here in the first place.
They were great; of course they were. They were already pretty good when I met them. And now they were much better. Luke's developed so much, I melted even more. It was probably what I missed the most. The nights he sung for me so I could sleep. There was no better feeling than lying next to Luke in complete silence, only his voice around us. I closed my eyes and smiled as Michael began to play soft tones I never heard before. I knew many of their songs but not this one. Calum began singing and it took a while until I realized what he sang. It was almost tailored. The lyrics gave me goose bumps, especially because it was so calm around me. The girls stopped screaming, they sung just loud that loud enough so you could still hear Calum. Which was no good for my well being. Suddenly Luke came in my vision and it didn't seem like he was doing good anymore. He had his eyes closed so I couldn't be sure about it. But his voice betrayed so much about him. I could see it in so many different ways; it was still the best decision for him. And nothing could sway me.
"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! Michael is looking at us. Kathy, you see that? Michael looks at us, "began a girl next to me screaming excitedly and her friend was doing the same. Only now I felt that I was being watched; I was so engrossed in the sight of Luke. I looked up and was immediately met with Michaels view. A slight smile played around his lips and I knew immediately what he was doing. I quickly shook my head but couldn't stop him. He went to Luke and spoke briefly with him before he strolled back to his microphone. What an idiot, how could he take it so easy? I could see that Luke scanned the audience and was trying to find me. Just as he started his solo, I decided to disappear. He shouldn't see me and I didn't want to break his heart again.
„If today I woke up with you right beside me
Like all of this was just some twisted dream
I'd hold you closer than I ever did before
And you'd never slip away
And you'd never - Sandra!" Startled, I turned around, what was probably the biggest mistake of my life. He looked into my eyes and all the memories rolled over me. The blue of his eyes was lackluster; I could see it from afar. What did I do to him? I quickly shook my head and could not suppress my tears from falling. I did not care that I was considered stupid, I just wanted to get out of here. I probably distributed a few black eyes, but I didn't care. I was relieved when I finally got out of the stadium and only had to run to the exit. And I ran like my life depended on it. But it all seemed useless because just when I wanted to disappear from the output, I heard him. I could even distinguish his steps from those of others, dammit!
"Sandra ..." His long legs were always an advantage for him; I never had a chance against him. I quickly wiped my cheeks and then turned around.
"Luke," I muttered and stepped back a few steps because he was so close to me. He wanted to go grab my hands but I withdrew it quickly.
"You should go back to the concert, Luke. You have fans that are waiting for you."
He shook his head: "They can wait for a bit, as long as I can talk to you. Please."
"I don't think that's such a good idea"
"Well... I believe it is" he said stubbornly. Luke looked at me intently and stepped a few steps towards me.
"No, Luke ..."
"Please Sandra," he pleaded, "I just want to talk to you." He looked at me with his blue eyes and I could see tears glistening in them. Why did I have to fall in love with those damn eyes?
I sighed and gave in: "All right." Luke wanted to hug me, but I declined it. He was disappointed, but he seemed to accept it.
"Promise that you wait here. I'll send someone to guide you in our backstage area. "
"I promise, Luke. And now go back again, come on."
I was much more nervous than I had been before the start of the concert. The four would come into the dressing room every moment. Actually, I could have used the opportunity to just go, but I couldn't do that to Luke. They were so loud, I could already hear them coming. And yet I was not prepared for it; suddenly the door bursted open and Ashton stormed into the room. He immediately ran to me and hugged me tightly.
"Oh my God, I've missed you so much" he rejoiced like a little kid.
"Ashton you are sweaty and stink," I whined and struck him on the arm. But all my whining didn't stop Calum and Michael from forcing me into a hug too. Of course I missed them too, but I couldn't change the situation.
"I thought you were never coming back," Calum said, "Luke is a wreck, since you're gone."
"Cal-"
Michael said: "Finally good food again!"
"Boys!" I interrupted them quickly before they got to any stupid ideas, "I'm not coming back. I'm only here because Luke asked me to. We'll talk and that's it."
"Why?" Cal asked.
"Because it's better this way; believe me."
"Luke is waiting outside," muttered Ashton. Gratefully I smiled at him. And in order not to make it harder, I went back outside. I did already have say goodbye to Luke, I couldn't cope with more. I closed the door behind me and looked over at Luke, who was leaning against the opposite wall. He pushed off and then I followed him easily, wherever he wanted to lead me. His goal turned out to be the parking lot where the tour bus and a few other cars were. Behind the bus, he sat down on the floor and I did the same. For a while we just looked at each other and I could not quite believe it.
"Why did you go?"
I sighed and looked at the floor: "Luke, you know that I never stay in one place."
"But I thought you were happy?!"
"Of course I was. How could someone not be happy with you? But-"
"If you were happy, why the fuck did you go?!" Enraged, he ran his fingers through his hair and tried everything to stop the tears from falling.
"Because it is the best for you; Luke."
"How do you know what's best for me?!" I didn't want to look upset, but it was too late to change. That's why I had been so unsure if it was a good idea to come.
"Because I know you, Luke," I explained, "I know you better than you know yourself. That's why I know it is the best for you."
"Is it not," he denied further.
"Luke ... You knew that I would go someday. And you always were afraid that it would happen eventually. Did not you realize what this fear made of you? You were not yourself anymore. I have made you into a different person and I couldn't look at it for much longer."
Luke snorted indignantly: "Does it look like I'm myself now? It was half a year ago and I still can't forget you. Do you understand that at all?! "
"7 months, 23 days, 4 hours and 38 seconds."
He looked at me confused: "What?"
"7 months, 23 days, 4 hours and 38 seconds ago I left you." He smiled slightly.
"I knew that you can't forget me."
"How could I, Luke? Damn it, I love you! Every moment without you hurts so much. I am restless since I left. I was in New York last week, today I am here. But I know that you'll get better and I'll take that price. I want you to be happy and back then you weren't."
"I was happy with you!"
"Are you really sure Luke?"
He cried out: "But I love you!"
"Luke-" I was interrupted by his lips. They felt exactly like they did half a year ago. They were still as soft and they still tasted like a mixture of vanilla and mint. But I could not lose myself in this kiss me, no matter how much I had longed for it.
"Stop, Luke, stop," I called ad pushed him off gently. His eyes broke my heart and I wiped my eyes quickly so that my vision is not deteriorated even more.
"Please Sandra ... just one night. I want to hold you just one more time, I want to feel you next to me for one more night, I just want to wake up next to you for one more time. Please, just one more time. "How could I say no to that?
Sunbeams tickled my nose and I pulled the blanket over my head. Why could I never sleep in? That one time I slept without troubles? It hit me like a thunderbolt. Luke. I quickly threw back the covers and stared at the empty pillow next to me. No Luke. But maybe he was just out of my room; maybe in the living room? As fast as I could, I scrambled onto my feet and looked around the small bedroom. His clothes were gone. And the bathroom was empty too. I left the bedroom and looked around the living room. Again, I could not find him. But something else caught my attention. I quickly ran to the glass coffee table on which laid a white list. With trembling fingers I took it off the table and read what Luke had written.
Sandra,
I love you. That's what I wanted to tell you one more time. I got what you could give me. I'll never forget this one night. And I will not forget you, never. How could I? You've been the best thing in my life and this will never change. Oh God, that sounds like something from a bad novel, that's terrible ... But you know what? I don't care at all.
I wish I'd never let you go. But I had to do it. I couldn't cope with another goodbye. I had to disappear before you do it. It hurts like hell, you know? Did you hurt as much as I do?
I wanted to thank you, Sandra. For all the beautiful moments we had together. I will never forget them. I'll never forget you. You are unique and no one can ever replace you. I'm not even sure at the moment if I can ever love someone as much as I love you. I want you to know that. I love you, Sandra, and I will always do it.
Forever,
Luke