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Hikaru knows Kaoru like the back of his hand. He can read him like an open book, can instantly sense when his mood has shifted, and can always tell when something’s on his mind. It’s part of the reason why the two are so close—they know each other inside out. So of course, Hikaru notices right away when something starts to bother Kaoru.
When the boy first started to spend all day pondering, Hikaru had thought maybe his brother had found someone he liked. But when Hikaru failed to see a single heart over his brother’s head, that idea quickly went out the window. Kaoru was a romantic at heart after all, and Hikaru determined his mood was way too serious to be one of someone with a crush.
He originally was going to give Kaoru time and space, figuring the other would come to him when he felt ready to talk, but Kaoru’s a really loud thinker, and after five days of hearing wheels turn in his head day and night, Hikaru just had to ask.
“What's wrong?” It's late at night, the lack of movement from Kaoru’s side of the bed throwing Hikaru off and preventing him from falling asleep. Kaoru jumps a little at his voice, as if he wasn't aware the other was still awake.
“Nothing,” he replies, turning on his side so that his back is facing Hikaru. “Go back to sleep.”
“Kaoru, I can practically smell the smoke coming out of your ears.” He means it as a joke, hoping to make the other boy laugh, but he’s met with heavy silence. “Is it that serious?” Kaoru continues to ignore Hikaru, which makes him frown. “Did I do something?” He hears Kaoru sigh.
“No,” Kaoru mumbles. “It’s nothing, really. Just go to sleep.” Hikaru’s frown deepens.
“You know you can't fool me, right? I can read you better than you can yourself. We’re basically the same person.” Hikaru notices Kaoru tense slightly at his words. After a moment, he softly adds, “you know you can tell me anything.” Kaoru makes a small sound of acknowledgment but doesn’t say anything else.
Hikaru listens to Kaoru’s breathing for a minute before he realizes the boy isn’t going to say anything more. Kaoru is nervous about sharing whatever has been occupying his mind, that much is obvious. The mystery of it piques Hikaru’s interest even more, but it also slightly worries him. He turns to face Karou’s back, places a gentle hand on his brother’s shoulder.
“Karou,” he says softly, in a voice he’s reserved just for him. He feels Kaoru relax under his touch, a small breath escaping his lips. A few more moments pass before Kaoru inhales deeply.
“Have you ever thought about maybe… changing our appearance? So that we look… different?” Hikaru furrows his eyebrows.
“Like another prank?”
“No.” Kaoru turns around to face Hikaru. “Like, seriously.” Hikaru must look as confused as he feels, because Kaoru sighs and turns over to face the ceiling. “Forget it. It’s stupid.”
“No,” Hikaru says quickly. “Explain what you’re thinking to me.”
Kaoru pouts slightly, eyebrows scrunching together in thought. “I’ve just been thinking,” he starts slowly, like he’s choosing his words carefully. “about us, and how we've fused ourselves together to be this one thing: HikaruandKaoru, always together, never separate." Kaoru shifts his head to look at Hikaru again. “But, I feel like, maybe that’s not healthy? I think it might be good for us to branch out more, be more true to ourselves instead of always trying to be ‘the mysterious twins who no one knows anything about.’”
Kaoru sighs. He sits up and pushes himself back to rest against the bed’s headboard, pulling his knees up to his chest. Hikaru subconsciously follows his brother's movements, propping himself up on his forearms. Kaoru stares ahead into the darkness of their bedroom, eyes lost deep in thought.
“I want people to know me as Hitachiin Kaoru, not just ‘one of the twins.’ So I’ve been trying to think, how can I be more uniquely Kaoru? What makes me different? What would set me apart from you? And, I don't know, maybe making myself look different from you might help.”
Kaoru’s words hang heavy in the air, and Hikaru’s not sure if he understands them. Something tightens in his chest.
“Are you saying you don’t want to be associated with me anymore?” Kaoru’s wides widen, and his head snaps to face Hikaru.
“No!” he nearly shouts. “I didn’t mean it like that I just meant,” he sighs loudly. “No one else really knows us. They can’t even tell us apart. Doesn’t that ever make you feel lonely?”
The question stirs something in Hikaru's chest again. It’s a slight ache, one that he feels every once in a while, when someone mistakes him for Kaoru, or when someone has lost the “which one is Hikaru” game yet again. Hikaru doesn’t respond, just stares at his brother, but the other boy seems to take that as an answer.
“I do. Sometimes,” Kaoru mumbles, lowering his head to rest atop his arms that are wrapped around his knees. “This… world we’ve created for ourselves… where nobody but us is allowed in… it’s a very lonely one, Hikaru.” There’s a moment's pause before Kaoru faces Hikaru again.
“But we can change that,” he says, voice a little more cheerful this time. He pulls Hikaru up to a sitting position next to him. “Look in the mirror,” Kaoru points across the room to the large vanity mirror across from their bed. Hikaru can make out their silhouettes in the bluish darkness of the room. “Can't you tell which one is you and which one is me?”
“Uh yeah,” Hikaru drawls. “The one sitting where I am is me.” Kaoru frowns.
“No,” he huffs. “Be serious Hikaru.”
“I am.” Kaoru rolls his eyes.
“What about when you look at a picture of us? Can’t you easily tell the difference between us?”
“Well sure, I guess.”
“How?”
“I don’t know, we’re different? I’m more handsome.” Kaoru bumps their shoulders together, but his eyes are smiling.
“We’re different,” Kaoru repeats. “Your smile is wider, cheekier. You stand with more confidence, your presence is louder. When you speak, your voice demands attention. All of that is so obvious to me—to us—but only because we really know each other.”
“What’s your point?”
“How can we expect anyone else to know these things when we never allow them to? We’ve tried to hard to be an unsolvable puzzle, but how do expect to grow close to anyone that way?” Kaoru sighs, like he’s frustrated at the idea. Then he pauses, softens up.
“Though,” he continues. “There is someone who seems to have figured us out all by themselves.” Karou looks at Hikaru. “Haruhi.” Hikaru tilts his head, confused by the sudden mention of the girl. “Haven’t you noticed how she can see us? Like, really see us?”
“As in…?”
“As in she acknowledges the fact that we’re individuals. She recognizes us as two different people, can tell us apart so easily even though we’ve made such an effort to be one entity.” Kaoru sighs as he tilts his head back to stare up at the ceiling. “It makes me feel seen, Hikaru. In a way I haven’t in a long time. Not by anyone but you or myself. And I want to always feel like that.”
Hikaru lets Kaoru’s words sit in the air for a moment, trying to register them.
“So… what? Do you like her or something?” The words come out slightly aggressive, to Hikaru’s surprise. It makes Kaoru give him a look. There’s something in his eyes, something like a twinkle that says he knows something Hikaru doesn’t, but it disappears when he blinks and shakes his head.
“No dummy,” Kaoru huffs a small laugh. “I’m saying what if we were wrong all this time? What if there really are people out there who we can connect with?” Hikaru scoffs.
“The world’s full of a bunch of idiots,” he says, laying back down and tucking an arm under his head. “What’d we want to connect with any of them for?”
“What about the host club?” Hikaru snorts.
“Like I said, a bunch of idiots.” His words are teasing, but they’re laced with fondness, and a small smile settles on his lips despite himself.
“What about Haruhi?”
“What about her?”
“You’re telling me you wouldn’t want to connect with her? Really connect?”
“Haruhi’s different,” Hikaru replies quickly. “She’s…” Hikaru’s words trail off as he thinks of a good word to describe her. ‘Special’ maybe. She makes Hikaru feel a lot of things, most of which he doesn’t know how to describe, but one thing he can describe is comfort. A comfort that he’s only ever felt from Kaoru before. A comfort he really enjoys feeling.
“Whatever,” he huffs. “Just because we made a couple of friends doesn’t mean we have to go around sucking up to everyone just have someone to talk to.”
“You're right, it doesn't,” Kaoru agrees. “But we interact with so many people every day, the least we can do is be more honest about who we really are.”
Hikaru opens his mouth to defend himself, to say he isn’t lying about anything, that he’s always himself around others, but Kaoru's looking at him like he already knows it's a lie, so Hikaru shuts his mouth and thinks about it instead.
He thinks about that comforting feeling he gets from Haruhi, the feeling that blooms deep inside him when she so easily tells him apart from Kaoru, and how it would be nice to feel that way more often.
“Do you really think there are more people like Haruhi?” Kaoru’s eyes light up.
“Yes,” he says gently. “I think there’s plenty. We just have to let them in.” Kaoru lays back down on his side to face Hikaru.
“You know,” he starts. “I think the only reason that no one wins the guess which one is Hikaru game is because we make sure they don’t. I think we’ve intertwined ourselves so tightly as a way to protect ourselves. From being vulnerable. I think we’re afraid of being hurt again.”
Hikaru thinks back to when the two were kids, how it stung to know that someone couldn’t see them as separate people that day on the park bench. Or how their maid, the only person they thought they could be friends with, exited their life with words that stung. How those words still linger in Hikaru’s head to this day.
It’s possible no one will ever be able to tell you two apart.
Since then, the two have been so closed off, so distant from the world around them. They tried to turn a negative into a positive, choosing to believe that it was a good thing no one could really see them, could really know them. That no one deserved to.
They pretend they don't care, pretend they like tricking people into never telling them apart, but the truth is, it hurts.
“We can’t stay this way forever, Hikaru,” Kaoru continues. “Things change, no matter how much we want them to stay the same. And sooner or later… letting our guard down for someone might be a skill we need.” His words are loaded, like he’s talking about something bigger than just this one conversation. It makes Hikaru a little nervous.
“Change is scary,” Kaoru says, seeming to pick up on his brother's anxiety. “All of this scares me too. I’m afraid I might fail at connecting with others, afraid people won’t like me for who I truly am.” He pauses, slightly, debating briefly if he should continue. He does.
“I’m afraid I won’t know what to do with myself without you always by my side.” He says it softly, like he’s admitting a deep secret. It tugs at something in Hikaru’s chest.
“But this spell we’ve casted, it won’t last forever. At some point the clock will strike midnight, and the spell will break. But while the clock’s chime might signal the end of one day, it's also the beginning of another, where so many more beautiful things can happen. And embracing that is a part of growing up.”
Hikaru marvels at his brother’s words. He sounds so mature, wiser than Hikaru could ever dream of being. He thinks Kaoru may have already grown up.
And the other boy was right. Life doesn’t stand still. It fluctuates, morphs into things you would never expect. To survive, you must be flexible, agile, ready to mold and adapt yourself to whatever new environment you get thrown into. So maybe it would be helpful to open up, make new friends—alliances—people to help when things get tough.
Or maybe, opening up means something more than just survival. Maybe being their own people, letting others see them for their true, unique selves, maybe it would make them feel less alone.
But, vulnerability still scares Hikaru. The only person he’s ever truly been able to rely on is Kaoru, and the idea of his only support possibly growing up and moving on from him is terrifying.
“Is this your way of telling me you want to spend less time with me?” he tries to joke, but his voice comes out a little shaky. Kaoru’s eyes soften.
“No,” he says gently. “We might grow up, and new people might enter our lives, but through it all, you’re my brother and my best friend. Always.”
The sincerity in his words calms Hikaru down. He gives his brother a smile.
“Okay,” he whispers back. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Silence drapes over them again, though Hikaru’s head is anything but quiet. A million more thoughts still float around his mind—what does this mean moving forward? Should he start acting differently? Should he start seeking new friends?
He doesn’t know the answers to those questions at the moment, but what he does know is that whatever he chooses to do, Kaoru will be right beside him, and Hikaru will do the same for him.