Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

It was the summer of 1969 and Chastity Sawyer was living in Los Angeles, struggling mightily.

She had moved out here in the first place hoping to be able to make a better life for herself, but so far that was not working out nearly as well as she’d hoped. At the very least, she had found a place to stay, and had been working a series of odd jobs that made her just enough to get by, but there was nothing stable about any of it. She hadn’t been writing to her sisters like she’d promised, since she didn’t want to have to either lie or admit she wasn’t living or working in a steady position, and she was not under much less stress than she had been living at home.

Sometimes she thought she might as well just give up and go back home after all, but the prospect of facing her older sister with her presence as proof she couldn’t make it on her own held her back. If nothing else, she had to let Patience believe that she could in fact do it.

She did feel bad about not letting her younger sisters know anything about how she was doing, though. Especially when they’d already established that they could tell each other anything.

Still, even with everything going on here, it was a significant improvement over living with Patience. In Chass’ opinion, the two of them needed some time apart if they were ever going to have a decent relationship, which they probably would have had if Patience had moved out herself first. Like she was supposed to. Like she would have if their mother hadn’t—

But perhaps she wasn’t ready to think about that just yet. It was the kind of thing that only got brought up back home when arguments got particularly heated, and she definitely didn’t miss that at all. Living alone was – well, lonely, of course, but a welcome change from living with someone she regularly got into those kinds of fights with. If she’d stayed it probably would have just kept getting worse and worse until – who knew?

It wasn’t entirely any of their faults, though, she thought. It was just getting exacerbated lately by…everything.

There was so much going on in the world. There always was, of course, but right now it seemed like things were at an all-time high. It was a little exciting to be in the middle of it, although she knew it wouldn’t be nearly as exciting if she was in the middle of it in a different way. Like in the sense that you were actually being affected by any of it. For once she was glad to be in the exact position she currently was in life.

And living here instead of where she started was certainly a better vantage position to enjoy it all from. Now she was really in the middle of everything thrilling and fascinating and glamorous in the country. In the world, even.

So maybe that made it all a little better, even if she was constantly struggling to pay the rent on her cheap apartment that she was staying in because she couldn’t find anything better and also couldn’t seem to hold down an actual job that would ensure her any kind of stable income. At least she could observe all of this.

Interesting times they lived in. Interesting times.

During the day she liked to walk around the city, if she didn’t have anything else to do. There was a lot to see.

She knew that there were a number of self-sustaining communities on the outskirts, which she was very interested in, but hesitated to get closer to. Even if she did end up fitting in and thriving there, she got the sense that Patience wouldn’t exactly be pleased if she found out that Chass was living on a commune instead of independently supporting herself. She knew this because she’d half-seriously proposed it when she first brought up the possibility of moving somewhere else.

“What do you know about farming?” Patience had said. “We haven’t done that in generations. And don’t give me anything about tapping into the knowledge of your ancestors or whatever you think you can do—”

“I could learn,” said Chastity, still only half-serious.

“From who? Some rich brats who dropped out of college to grow their own drugs and will give up on the whole enterprise when they find out it actually takes time and effort? Then what?”

“I don’t know,” said Chass. “I’ll find something, anyway.”

It hadn’t been as hard as she’d expected, really, to convince Patience to let her go. She figured that her older sister had assumed she wasn’t taking the idea seriously when she first started talking about moving out west, but once she made it clear that she was and was actually fully prepared to do it, Patience became a lot more supportive. Chastity suspected that Patience was very eager to finally get her out of the house.

She almost couldn’t believe herself that she was really doing it, but in June she packed her bags and headed out on the first bus out of the state. Then it was a long journey to the coast, but once there she found herself totally alone in a big city, miles from home with no one who knew who she was or anything at all about her. It was definitely the most thrilling experience of her life thus far. This was what her friends who went to college meant when they talked about having a chance for a fresh start.

She supposed that thrill gave her the boost of confidence she needed to actually get started, but once she’d found somewhere to shack up in (after drifting about in various hotel and motel rooms at first), the excitement started to wear off and she was just another young person desperately searching for her place in the world. And that world didn’t exactly care about helping her find it.

But on days when she could go for a walk around the city and just see things and do whatever, well, that was nice. She could forget about everything for a while. Certainly not something she often got the chance to do at home.

It was so different from home out here. That at least still held a touch of excitement. She could never escape the fact that she was living in a completely new place now. She wondered if this was how her grandmother felt when she came to America for the first time.

Well, she’d probably be having a better time if, instead of wandering around a city looking for something to do, she’d found herself a plot of land out in the country and built a damn house. But that would just be too similar, wouldn’t it? Not to mention an enormous amount of work. Maybe a college degree would have done her some good after all. Or not.

She tried to avoid getting into these kinds of spirals in her thinking, when she was walking around. Sure, maybe she should be thinking about these subjects, but what was it accomplishing other than making her feel worse? She’d rather enjoy the sun (still hot, but much less oppressively so than what she was used to) and the sights and her freedom. It really was a glorious feeling to be able to do almost anything you wanted.

As long as it didn’t cost too much. But she was used to that.

She also wished she had someone to share it all with. She thought that in the city she’d get to meet a lot of new people, but so far she hadn’t really made any lasting connections with anybody. Her relationships were all either strictly professional or as casual as could be. The person she was closest to was the woman she rented from, and she was positive the landlady didn’t like her very much on account of her lack of consistent ability to make the rent. Most of the people she talked to seemed polite and even friendly, but had no desire to get closer to her or get to know her better, she could tell. She was starting to think that people who derided cities for being so impersonal and no one knowing each other the way they did in small towns had a point. She had neighbors – people who lived in the same building as her – but she felt like she never saw any of them. And many of them didn’t even stay for that long, which made her wonder when she’d be considered overstaying her welcome and get kicked out.

People back at home used to say she’d fit right in out here, but now that she was there she was only especially conscious of everything that marked her out as not being from around here. Every time she talked to someone new, she could tell they were sizing her up and quietly judging her, and no matter how superficially nice they seemed they were looking at her with disdain and contempt for her outsider status. For the first time in her life she found herself fighting back the urge to cringe at her own accent whenever she spoke.

So here she was, in the big city. Alone. If she had someone, anyone, on her side she would probably be doing much better right now. But she had no one to help her and no one to spend time with and certainly no one to fall in love with. So much for her fantasies.

It was just mildly frustrating, ever such a little bit, that she’d been allowing herself to have the slightest bit of hope that maybe her prospects for the future weren’t as bleak as she’d believed for most of her life, that maybe she actually would have a chance at living on her own somewhere else, of meeting people and having a thriving social life and even a love life, of actually managing to leave and have something different, only to be reminded yet again that all of that was impossible and she wasn’t meant to have it.

Just a bit.

Taking walks during the day was usually nice and actually helped to clear her head. Taking walks at night, on the other hand, usually ended with her spiraling even more than she’d started out. She didn’t even really know why she did it, except that it was generally preferable to be alone with her thoughts outside instead of in a tiny little room staring at the same walls she’d been staring at for the last few weeks. Being trapped in one place for too long made her go a little crazy.

Wasn’t that why she was here in the first place?

Because on top of all that – on top of everything else she was dealing with – she was so, so hungry.

Well, she was hungry for a lot of things, but she’d been physically hungry almost constantly for a while now. She didn’t know why. She had enough to eat. Probably why she wasn’t living somewhere nicer and getting out more was because she kept spending money on things like “basic necessities for survival”.

(She did know why. She knew exactly why.)

She should probably see a doctor or something. Or she would if she had the insurance for it. Ha!

(She shouldn’t see a doctor here. She should do what they always did if they needed medical attention. Call her aunt Constance, she’d tell her what to do. But she already knew what she would say.)

It wasn’t normal to keep feeling like this no matter how much you ate, though.

(Unless you weren’t eating the right things.)

Maybe she had a parasite inside of her. That’d seem about right, with the place she lived in.

(There was something inside of her. Something that probably didn’t have a name.)

She should probably be more concerned, instead of just annoyed. This was such a weird problem to have. If she told anyone, they’d probably think she was crazy.

(Not crazy, no. It’s just what happens when you get so used to something that you can’t live without it.)

Her sisters might understand. Patience would probably tell her to come home immediately, if she knew, though.

(She would know what was wrong, even if she couldn’t explain how. They all would. It’s what happens when you get used to something and raise your children with it their whole lives and then one of those children suddenly starts going without it…)

And maybe it was just her being stubborn, but she wasn’t going to do that. She was going to prove something to herself and to Patience and to

(it wasn’t supposed to be like this. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.)

the world.

(She was supposed to be able to get out. She was going to get out. She was supposed to move out and make it on her own and never go back to)

It would probably pass if she waited long enough. Most things did.

(she wasn’t supposed to have to do this anymore—)

Walking helped. Keeping herself in motion. Staving it off. Distracting herself from

(the thing inside her the thing inside all of them the thing clawing at her gnawing at her like she wanted to gnaw on—)

her body with her mind.

(she was supposed to be able to get away from it)  

And she had a lot to think about.

They did have standards, despite what some people said.

Not children. Never children. That was maybe the first rule. Some might dispute the definition of children versus teenagers, but they’d agreed on a driver’s license being the most easily identifiable threshold.

No families, either. (Unless you didn’t know. But they tried to avoid mistakes like that.) Preferably groups of unrelated individuals, or one or two traveling alone. No one too close to the local community. Outsiders only.

Patience regularly stressed the importance of this last one. They understood the others well, but she seemed to think they didn’t take that one seriously enough. Temperance especially.

They’d gotten on well enough, though, all these years, without anything serious happening. Temperance thought there was something protecting them. Patience still wanted them to be as cautious as possible. She came off as kind of paranoid sometimes, and Chass would be the first to admit it got annoying, but she at least understood why. She just wanted to keep her sisters safe. And Temperance could be awfully cavalier about flouting precautions. Chastity didn’t know if her ideas about something protecting them were right or not, but she tried not to take too many chances herself. She really felt sorry for Charity, who seemed perpetually caught between Patience’s caution and Temperance’s impulses, so often left to manage everything herself even if she really shouldn’t have to. She almost felt bad for leaving her alone with them. Not that her younger sisters couldn’t get along, because they usually did, but Lacey dealt with a lot on her own.

Ah, well, it wasn’t like Chass was always there for them before, either. In fact, she’d been trying to spend as much time out of the house as she could in recent years. So had Temperance, come to think of it.

She sighed, kicked a pebble, watched it skitter out of sight under the streetlights, wished her sisters well.

There were other rules, too, that they held to more subtly. One was that they shouldn’t go after anyone at a significant social disadvantage compared to them. Although they couldn’t afford to be as discerning as they used to, this one held true. It just seemed wrong somehow, to target someone even lower than they were.

She ran across members of the city’s homeless population now and again. She felt sorry for them, wished she could do something to help, but didn’t have anything to spare. She reminded herself she was at least lucky not to be in their position and felt bad for thinking that.

(it would be so easy)

But really, she was. It was no one’s fault that things like that happened to them, just another effect of the broken system they lived under.

(no one would even notice)

And they were treated like literal trash by the city and almost everyone in it, too. If you died on the streets,

(they wouldn’t even bother to investigate)

you might as well be a dead stray dog. An inconvenience to clean up

(they’d be glad they wouldn’t have to do that)

and no one to contact about it.

(well, who would they know to contact for you?)

She nearly stumbled over the outstretched legs of a man sitting against the side of a building that bordered an alleyway.

“Sorry, miss,” he murmured, pulling his knees in.

“S’alright,” she muttered back, walking more quickly, giving him a wider berth, nearly wandering into the middle of the street.

She wasn’t scared, walking alone at night. A lot of other young women in her position might be, but she felt perfectly capable of defending herself should she need to. Men might not ordinarily be interested in her, but she knew that hardly mattered under those circumstances.

She practically dared someone to try something with her. She was probably far more dangerous than anyone else on the street could ever be. Patience worried about her younger sisters a lot, but any one of them could easily take any potential assailant. It was why Temperance wasn’t scared to go out on her own all the time. People underestimated them, because they didn’t know what they were dealing with. No one ever expected what they were.

No one had tried anything yet, though.

Unfortunately.

She made her way to a bench that might have been a bus stop, and sat down on it. She wanted to stop and catch her breath for a bit, and hoped no one would sit next to her. There was no telling what she might do.   

She sat back and watched the street for a bit. The cars speeding past alarmed and thrilled her still, every time she really took notice of it. She supposed that was just part of the fast pace of life in the city, but she was glad she hadn’t brought a car with her. Not only because they simply didn’t have one to spare for her, but because she would be a little afraid to drive on these roads. If her sisters thought she could get a little too reckless back home, they should come visit her in the city sometime.

(They might if she ever told them where they could find her. In due time.)

She wondered if Temperance was getting around all right, not having someone to drive her. She’d probably be fine, but she also probably missed—

Chastity started. Someone had sat next to her after all.

She had probably gained her neighbor a few minutes ago, but Chass was only just noticing her now. It was a woman, not much older than her (if she was older). Thin. Blonde. Wearing a denim jacket with interesting-looking patches sewn all over it.

She caught Chastity out of the corner of her eye, turned to her, smiled slightly.

“The bus doesn’t come this late,” she said.

“I know,” said Chass, who didn’t. “I was just…resting.”

“So was I,” said the woman. She looked around a bit, turned back to the street, then said, “You planning to sleep here tonight?”

“Um, no,” said Chastity. “I have…a place to stay.”

Shit, she did look pretty easily mistaken for homeless, didn’t she? And she’d just been thinking…well, no matter. She wasn’t offended.

The woman laughed lightly. “Good. Not everyone’s so lucky. What are you doing out by yourself this time of night?”

“Nothing. Just taking a walk. To clear my head.”

“You’re not afraid, then? Going out by yourself, at night?”

“Should I be?” Could she allow herself to relax, or not? She didn’t think this woman seemed very threatening, but she probably should always be on guard.

“It’s just that most women our age living here don’t usually go out alone at night,” the woman said. “Unless they don’t have anywhere else to go.”

Chastity smiled at her. “I can protect myself.”

“Good for you, then. I can, too. But you learn how, when you don’t have anyone else to protect you. I won’t presume anything about you, though.”

“Well, I don’t have anyone right now,” said Chastity, and as she said it out loud realized that sounded a little sad. “I mean, I live alone. But I’m doing alright.”

God, now this woman was looking at her kind of concerned. She should say something else. “Were you gonna offer to protect me? Because I’d appreciate it, but I don’t really need…”

The woman laughed again, more sincerely than she’d done so before. It was a nice sound, and Chass was glad to hear it. She hadn’t made anyone laugh in a long time.

“You’re charming. Have you lived here long?”

“No, not really, I just got here at the beginning of last month – so almost two months now.” Wow. Time did fly.

“I’m not from here originally either, but I’ve been here much longer. I’d show you around, but I imagine you’ve probably got the gist of this place by now.”

Chastity could see her face more clearly now, her wry smile and curious eyes, and she thought she very much would like to be shown around by her, even if she knew all the places already. “I’d like to get a local’s perspective.”

“Oh, I’m hardly a local,” she said, “but you’re too kind. I’d take you out to dinner – if you haven’t already eaten tonight.”

“Really?” Chastity perked up.

(hardly matters if you’ve already eaten or not, still hungry anyway)

“I know it’s a little late for that, but there’s always a little diner open somewhere. People eat at all hours of the day and night.”

“I know, I eat late all the time…” Chastity hesitated. Was she really going to do this? It was a bit presumptuous of her, she literally didn’t even know this woman. Maybe she was just that desperate for companionship. “But we don’t have to.”

“Are you hungry?”

“Starving,” she said, barely thinking.

The woman smiled. “So am I.”

So they went to dinner. Chass felt a strange but pleasantly exciting feeling rising inside her, and it was enough to overtake the hunger for a bit.

Her name was Leonora. She didn’t give a last name, and Chastity didn’t ask her for one. She’d run away from home when she was seventeen, and didn’t give many details as to why, except that she was tired of disappointing her parents and figured she’d be of more use to them if she wasn’t there. Chass said she could relate.

“How old are you now?” she asked.

“Twenty-three,” said Leonora.

“I’m twenty-two,” said Chastity. They’d agreed to tell the truth when asked.

Leonora had been drifting for most of her time since, living with friends and in motels and in the spare rooms of anyone who would take her. Chass started to suspect she might be looking for another host when she randomly talked to strangers.

(Would she have room for a guest? Probably not. But it would be nice to have someone.)

Chastity ended up telling her more than she expected about herself, but Leonora had already told her so much she thought it was only fair. And she found it easy to tell.

“Chastity,” said Leonora, but without judgment or amusement. Just repeating it to herself, feeling the name in her mouth. “Your family religious, too?”

Chastity laughed. “Oh, no! We’re totally not. People think we are, though, because all our names are like that. But we’re definitely not Christians. There’s a reason for it, but I can barely remember what it is most of the time. We’ve got a lot of history.”

“Are you a vegetarian?” Leonora asked, in comment on her order, which avoided any meat-based items on the menu.

“Yes, actually,” Chass said. She felt that was close enough to the truth.

“I used to want to try that, but I never could stick with it. How do you do it?”

“Oh, gosh, I don’t know,” Chastity said. “I’ve just always felt kind of…wrong, eating animals.”

“How so?” Leonora asked. Chass could tell she was genuinely interested, but she knew that if she got started on this subject she would end up trying to over-explain her reasoning. It was fine, though, they were just talking.

“I mean…” she said. “People say that animals eat other animals all the time in nature, so it shouldn’t be too different when we do it, but I just feel like it is different, you know? Because animals eat each other because they have to, they’re just participating in the cycle of life, and maybe that’s what we were doing too back when humans lived in the wild before we had civilizations and stuff. But now…we’re just not as evenly matched, I don’t think. We have all these tools and machines and technologies and we’ve made a whole industry out of it, not to mention we’re on totally different levels of intelligence. And it doesn’t feel fair. They don’t know what’s going on.” She took a breath. “But, you know, that’s just my personal philosophy. I don’t care if other people eat meat.”

“That’s fine, then,” said Leonora. “As long as you’re not telling other people what to do, I think we should just let people do what they want. And I think people’s different belief systems are interesting. I like hearing the rationale behind it, is all.”

“I used to be way worse about this, though. I’d be going on rants at the dinner table and my sisters would be like, alright, Chass, we get it, can we please stop talking about this so we can enjoy our food?”

Chastity admittedly was a bit anxious to change the subject herself. This was only reminding her that her second dinner wasn’t doing much to slake her cravings.

She did not mention anything about her family’s history of working with meat. Personal details like that weren’t the kind of thing you needed to tell someone on the first date. Meeting. Whichever this was.

Leonora had no siblings, so she was interested to hear about Chastity’s.

“Three sisters,” she said. “Patience, Temperance, and Charity, in that order.”

“Oh, those are nice names, actually,” said Leonora.

“Yeah, I kind of got stiffed on that one. And you know I’m telling the truth, because if I had to make up a fake name, why would I pick Chastity?” She smirked, letting Leonora know it was okay to laugh too, if she felt the inclination.

“So are you the oldest, or the youngest, or…”

“I’m in the middle – well, kind of. Patience is eight years older than me—”

“Oh, wow, that’s a lot—sorry.”

“No, it’s true, she’s basically been like our second mother even when she was young…anyway, Temperance is my twin, but she’s younger, and I still think of her as my little sister even though we’re technically the same age. Not that much, ’cause we’ve always been really close, but when I say my younger sisters I mean her too. Then there’s La—Charity, she’s my actual younger sister and she’s one or two years younger than me and Temperance depending on when in the year we are.” She hoped Leonora wouldn’t catch her stumbling over the name, and thankfully she made no comment.

“And your parents?”

“Well, our mama died when I was nine—” she paused for Leonora’s obligatory “I’m so sorry” “—and we never knew our father, he died before Char was born and by all accounts he wasn’t really worth knowing.” She snorted lightly. “Right now we live with our grandmother, but she’s getting on, has been for a while, and Patience was really the one who raised us after that. I feel bad for her, having to do all that when she was seventeen, but things have not been great between me and her lately and that’s part of why I left. I miss my younger sisters, though, we’ve always been super close like I said, all three of us…”

“I wish I had siblings, sometimes,” said Leonora. “People always say, ‘oh, no you don’t,’ but I think it’d be nice to have some support like that.”

“It’s not bad at all,” said Chastity. “I mean, I’m glad I have sisters. Even if we don’t always get along.” She smiled fondly at the thought of them, for the first time in a while not tinged with sadness.

Leonora hadn’t gone to college, even though most people her age she knew had done it; but she said she supposed she had an excuse, not having finished high school and also not having access to her family’s money to pay for anything more.

“I should have graduated from college by now,” said Chastity, “but, I mean, it just didn’t seem like something it’d be worth it for me to do. You know? Some of my friends were going, but, well, either they could afford it or they got scholarships or things like that. I think my older sister might have been kinda disappointed I didn’t, but that might have been because she wanted me out of the house sooner. And she didn’t get to finish school, so maybe she was a little resentful I wasn’t taking full advantage.” She shrugged. “Maybe I should have at least applied somewhere. My friends’ parents were all real proud of them when they got in…”

She’d been happy for them too, graduating alongside her, but at the same time she’d felt an ache inside of her knowing that pretty soon they might be seeing each other for the last time. By now that time probably had already come and gone. Which was another of the many reasons she’d decided she had to move out.

 “So what made you come out here?” Leonora asked. “I mean, I know why you came out here, but what made you pick here, specifically?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said Chass. “I guess I figured it was as good a place as any, right? I mean, I’d kind of had my heart set on California from the beginning – maybe I was just buying into all the stories and everything surrounding it, but it seemed right. It was different but not too different from where I grew up, not too far away but a totally new vibe. At first I think I set out aiming for San Francisco, but I got sidetracked and, well, here I am.”

Leonora smiled her curious kind of cat smile that made Chastity’s heart flutter a little. “I’ve got a similar story. I think I fell for the Hollywood glamour a bit, too, and it’s not like I was expecting to become some big movie star or something, but everything about it still seemed so exciting. And yeah, different. They say the city chews people up and spits them out, but it’s been good enough to me so far. If only in that I’m still alive. I know I’m not always in the best place, but anything’s better than being dead. I think.”

“I agree,” said Chastity. “People will do anything to survive.”

(She’d eaten, but she was already feeling hungry again.)

“Well,” said Chass, “I’ll tell you this, I might not be in the best place right now either, but if you need somewhere to sleep tonight, or just, anything…”

“My,” said Leonora, “so forward.”

“Um,” said Chastity.

“You’re lonely,” said Leonora. “I can sense that.”

Chastity didn’t say anything.

“So if you’d like, I’ll invite myself over. And maybe I’ll spend the night. Then we’ll see.” She got up from her seat, and made her way to the bathroom. As she passed Chastity, she leaned in and whispered, her lips practically brushing her ear, “We can really get to know each other.”

Chass turned in her seat and watched her go, Leonora giving her another quick cat smile over her shoulder.

After the bathroom door closed, Chastity touched the side of her face where Leonora had practically touched

(kissed!)

her, then brought her fingertips to her mouth. That strange pleasantly exciting feeling was back inside her, and she was tingling all over.

Not Leonora. No. She couldn’t.  

(still hungry, though)

It would be wrong by all their standards. She was vulnerable

(not too vulnerable, right?)

and already in a position where it would be easy for someone to take advantage of her. Even if Chastity didn’t think she was part of the homeless population of the city,

(she has homes, just not one permanent home)

she was still unsettled and in an unstable position, and Chass had a certain amount of power over her just by being able to offer her a place to stay.

(she has parents with money, she could go back to them any time if she wanted)

And besides, this was her chance to finally have someone in her corner here.

(anything’s better than being dead)

Even if it didn’t last long, cohabitation would surely help them form a long-term bond. It would be a nice thing, to

(chew people up and spit them out)

help her get back on her feet. And here she was, hoping for a chance to meet someone, in more ways than one, and one just fell right into her lap. Was she honestly going to pass up this opportunity?

(well, are you?)

Things like this weren’t going to happen every day.

It was raining by the time they left the diner.

“Well, now I’m going to have to spend the night,” said Leonora. “I can’t just pass up an opportunity like that if the alternative is walking all the way back to my friend’s house in the rain.”

“Yeah, guess not,” said Chastity, her heart and stomach fluttering at the same time.

Leonora offered her jacket to protect them. Chastity held it over both of them, since she was taller and she felt it was her natural duty. It would probably be that way in any relationship she entered, since she was taller than most women.

(this is really happening, isn’t it?)

“I love the way the roads look under the streetlights in the rain,” she said, musing almost absentmindedly.

“Really?” said Leonora.

“I know it’s maybe kinda weird,” Chass said quickly. “But I never used to see stuff like that back home, and – I think it’s pretty.”

“So do I,” said Leonora, and she leaned in closer, and before Chastity knew it, the other woman’s arm was around her waist.

At that point she barely noticed that she’d been neglecting her duty of holding the jacket up and they were both getting wet. They made the rest of the way to her apartment with it lying nearly forgotten over her shoulders instead.

“Here we are,” Chass said, pushing open the door to the place she still didn’t quite think of as hers. “It’s not much, but…it’s something.”

“It’s nice enough,” said Leonora. “You’ve got more furniture than most of my friends do.”

“Ah, well…most of it came with the place. The bed’s pretty small, so you’ll have to take the – wait, no, I’ll take the couch.” The couch in question had been left on the side of the road not far from her building, free for the taking; she’d managed to get it back home by herself, although she did get some odd looks hauling it on its side into the elevator. She’d been wary at first about what it might be infested with, but it was nice to have an extra place to sit. Still, she wasn’t about to let anyone else sleep on it all night.

“You’ve got a kitchen, too?”

“It’s pretty small.”

“But you could actually cook something, if you wanted. This will do nicely.” She wandered further inside at Chastity quietly hung her jacket on the back of the door.

“Yeah, I do end up cooking a lot by myself,” she said, following Leonora. “I’m trying not to spend too much on anything other than the basic necessities, so…I’m pretty good at it.” She stopped, shrugged, smiled. “In case, you know, you’re in the mood for something gourmet.”

Leonora turned around, smiled back, came closer. Chass looked into her eyes. They were a lovely shade of sea-green.

“Listen, Chastity,” she said. “I want to tell you something…”

Her heart beat faster and she refrained from taking a step back, lest Leonora get the wrong idea. “Sure,” she said. “But, um – could you excuse me for a minute?”

Leonora nodded, and she headed for the bathroom.

“Listen,” she muttered, staring at herself in the mirror. “Listen. You can’t. Do not fuck this up for yourself.”

It was coming back with a vengeance and she didn’t know how much longer she could stand it. She was so close to – to – to something and if she was going to make a decision on what that would be, it would have to be now.

Somehow, though, she felt like her body

(or her mind)

might be making that decision for her.

The thought of this terrified her. She sat down heavily. She hoped Leonora wasn’t waiting for her too anxiously. She might think she was sick.

(Leonora had said she wanted to tell her something. That was the furthest thing from her mind right now, but even if it wasn’t, she’d probably have assumed it was something like…well, that she liked women and wanted to sleep with her in that sense. Or maybe even that she didn’t, which would be just fine, maybe then she’d leave…)

She felt sick. She wasn’t sure if it was from nerves or from something she’d eaten or from

(something she wasn’t eating)

that goddamn feeling she’d been having like she was fucking starving no matter what she did—

She looked up, took a shaky breath, and stood up.

She wanted this, she really did. Wasn’t one of the reasons she’d come out here to fully be herself? And now here she was with a woman who she liked and who wanted to spend the night (at least) at her place. This was her chance to finally have that experience. It was something she’d been denied for a long enough time. She was finally going to get what she wanted. And she was going to enjoy it.

And she was going to control herself. She was going to prove she could do it. She was going to prove that she didn’t have to—

She turned on her heel, faced the mirror again. She took off her glasses and cleaned them on her shirt, wiping off the light drops of rain that had misted the lenses.

(should she keep those on? she didn’t even know.)

She ran a hand through her hair, tossing it back over her shoulder, brushing against the spot on her back where Leonora’s hand had touched her while they were walking. She took another breath, let it out, quicker this time, hoping she looked and felt more confident.

You can do this, she told herself.

Leonora stood in the kitchen, looking around some more. She reached for the dwindling pack of cigarettes she kept in her pocket and then remembered her jacket was on the door. She figured she might as well not smoke in here, anyway. Some people didn’t want you doing that inside their homes, and she was nothing if not a courteous guest.

She glanced at the bathroom door and wondered briefly if Chastity was okay in there.

She hoped the girl didn’t feel pressured to let her stay. Her situation really wasn’t that desperate, although she was willing to take advantage of people’s generosity if they assumed it was. If this was all someone had, though, there was absolutely no reason to impose for longer than one night.

This girl seemed nice, though, and she really wanted Leonora, she could tell that. She’d be doing young Chastity a favor by formally initiating her into this world. There was a high chance she’d never been with a woman before, and an even higher one she’d never been with anyone.

In the morning Leonora could tell her that she was going back to her friend’s house (not really her friend, but they’d gotten amicable enough). Maybe she’d even offer to let Chastity room with them if she wanted. Because she did seem pretty desperate for companionship, too, and they’d probably both like to have a more genuine friend. Or something more, even. Leonora had always wanted but never thought she’d have a long-term partner.

She just had to be upfront with her before that step. She didn’t want to feel like she was taking advantage of this girl.

Woman. She was only a year younger. But she was still relatively new here, and not to insult her, but she did seem like the kind of person who could be easily taken advantage of. She might have to protect her from that, if they were to be together longer.

All in due time, though. For now she’d enjoy the first lay she’d have in a while.

Chastity was ready.

She left the bathroom – forgetting to flush the toilet or run the sink or anything else to make the reason she’d been in there seem more believable – and spotted Leonora still standing in the kitchen.

“You alright?” said Leonora.

“Yeah,” said Chastity, and did not elaborate before Leonora came closer.

“So,” said Leonora. “We were talking about my spending the night.”

“Um, yes, but – you don’t have to—”

“No, I want to. Just for tonight.”

“Yeah,” said Chass, nodding. “That’d be alright.”

“I’d be correct in assuming,” said Leonora, “that you’re interested in women.”

“Y-yes…”

(don’t embarrass yourself, chass, this is it)

Chastity cleared her throat and straightened her back. “I am.” Confidence, she had to seem confident. Like she knew what she was doing.

“So am I,” said Leonora. “Ever been with a woman before?”

Damn it, was it that obvious? “No, but—”

“That’s alright, I have. Would you like to find out what it’s like?”

That’s when she took Chastity’s face in her hands and kissed her, on the mouth, and it was good and it was real and it left her burning inside.

“You don’t have to ask me that,” said Chastity.

(yes!)

They took it to the bedroom.

“I’m alright sleeping on the couch,” said Leonora between kisses, “but this will probably be more comfortable for what we’re going to do first.”

“Mm, yes,” said Chastity.

She wasn’t sure if they were going to get on the bed first or how that would work in their current position, and should they briefly stop embracing each other to get up on it? She found herself sinking to her knees and Leonora along with her. She chuckled nervously and Leonora thankfully did the same.

Once they were on the floor facing each other they wasted no time starting to get their clothes off. Chastity wondered if Leonora could hear her heart going a mile a minute, since she was sure she could hear the other woman’s.

(pulse racing blood rushing she could smell it)

She was fumbling almost desperately now, painfully eager to get on with it as fast as possible. Leonora smiled at her, enjoying watching her impatient enthusiasm. She took off her glasses only dimly aware of what she was doing and why, vaguely remembering that she thought she was supposed to do something with them, and reached backwards to drop them on the little table beside her bed that contained nothing else but a small lamp and a book she’d been forgetting to read.

Leonora smiled wider, might have laughed a little, in a gentle way though, fondly. Chastity inched forward towards her to see her better and Leonora leaned in and kissed her again and Chastity breathed in sharply, reached down to her waistband, withdrew the knife she always kept in her side pocket and plunged it into the side of Leonora’s neck.

Leonora’s eyes barely widened as she began going limp.

Chastity yanked the blade out, tossed it to the side, and, resisting no longer, pulled Leonora close and put her mouth to the spot where the blood was just beginning to flow out.

She hadn’t been planning to do it, honestly. She just couldn’t take it anymore.

It was the best taste she’d had since she got here. Right now it felt like the best thing she’d ever tasted in her life.

When she was done, there were tears streaking her face, along with the blood. She couldn’t tell if they were from remorse or euphoria. The woman in her arms lay prone, and she cradled her as gently as she could as she laid her body down.

She was so beautiful, even in death. Her eyes were glazing over and staring at nothing but they were still open and they were still green.

But she was still dead, and that took out a good portion of the appeal. They did have standards.

The appeal, now, lay in other respects.

She was going to have to get to work soon. For now, though, she wanted to sit with what she’d done for a little while. She was much calmer now that she’d been sated.

In one respect.

But she’d had to do it.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It really wasn’t.

It was, though. It would always be like this.

Had she really thought she could escape it?

She’d had to make a decision. This was her one chance to have one of two things that she was desperately craving, and she chose the one that seemed more urgent.

She could live without – without sex. She’d been getting on just fine without it her whole life. She did not think she would survive much longer without – the other thing.

She was glad, actually, she hadn’t let it proceed further before she did it. That might have made it impossible. She didn’t want to think about that.

There’d be other chances.

(would there?)

But basic necessities for survival, as she knew well, always came first.

She wasn’t proud of what she’d done. Her older sister said that sometimes you had to do things you weren’t proud of, to get by in this life.

She’d move on, eventually. But she also had to make this one last.

(things like this weren’t going to happen every day)

(oh god)

Time went by, and life went on. Chastity avoided other people when she could. She was feeling much better now, though, in general. Once her physical needs were taken care of, she felt more capable of stepping back and looking at her situation more clearly. What should she do now? She still didn’t know exactly, but it seemed more like something she could figure out.

She continued to follow the news, local and national and global, with interest. For a few weeks she waited anxiously to hear anything about a young woman named Leonora who’d disappeared around where she was living, but nothing came up and no one came calling. Then something happened that she was certain would take any attention off whatever comparatively minor crimes were happening here.

If you murdered a celebrity, or at least someone very wealthy, you’d have to want to get caught. That wasn’t about fulfilling any desperate necessities for survival, that was about making a statement.

She would never, of course. That was definitely not how they did things. Or why.

(but you had to admire the audacity)

And she could at least act appropriately shocked when people talked about it, but many of them seemed to relish the details even in their horror at them. She listened and nodded and said things like “I know!” when someone got her into another conversation starting off with “did you hear—?” And she knew she’d made the right choice coming here.

Interesting times indeed. You’d hardly even notice what someone like her might have to do.

It was more like home than she’d ever thought it would be.

Still wasn’t exactly like home, though. She’d have to adapt her approach if she wanted to survive long out here. Which was alright with her if she could avoid any kind of genuine personal or emotional connection.

(She might have to target men specifically. They’d never expect it.)

She definitely wouldn’t be going after anyone high-profile, but not anyone in too low of a position, either. Desperate times may have called for desperate measures, but they still had standards.

So it wasn’t exactly what she’d hoped for. But she could do it. And that was something she could be proud of.

In the meantime, Chastity decided to finally sit down and write to her sisters.

She wrote two letters on two separate sheets of paper. On the back of one she wrote For Patience, and on the other she wrote For Temperance + Lacey.

She wrote the letter for the second one first. In it, she talked about all the things she’d seen and done in the city and what it was like living out here. She made sure to mention anything strange or amusing she’d seen happen, including some recent news items that the two of them had probably missed, since they didn’t keep up with current events and Patience probably wouldn’t care about things like that. (She’d briefly toyed with the idea of figuring out how to send a letter that Patience was guaranteed not to be able to read, but she dismissed it as impossible. She knew her older sister would end up reading both her letters anyway, but wanted to let her know upfront who she was writing to.) She also did not tell them about Leonora or anything about how she’d been satisfying her more base cravings here. Some things should remain private. She apologized for not writing earlier but told her younger sisters that she missed them every day and hoped to be able to visit them soon, and signed it Love, Chass. Then she added a heart at the bottom. She found herself smiling most of the time she was writing this one.

The other letter took longer to write, although she wrote less in it. She apologized again for not writing sooner, but added that she’d been busy (without much further elaboration). Then she described some of the various things she’d been doing for money out here, and mentioned she’d found a place to stay and was getting by without much trouble. She acknowledged that her situation wasn’t the most stable, but that she hadn’t been on her own for very long and expected to take some time finding a position that ideally suited her. In the meantime, she could be reached at this address and would notify her sisters if that changed. And she was doing just fine supporting herself. She did not need any help at the moment, but perhaps she would come home to visit sometime soon.

Again, she did not mention anything of the Leonora affair or what followed. She did, however, spend a while staring at the page wondering if she should mention something, or ask her

(why didn’t you tell me? did you even know?)

about the feelings she’d started having when she was away from home too long. In the end she wrote nothing of it and signed her letter Chastity. Then she folded both papers so they could see the address, slipped them into one envelope, and took it to the nearest post office to have it mailed. Then she went back home and resolved not to start looking for a new place to stay until she got something back.

She’d never had the experience of anticipating getting something in the mail before. She liked getting to experience new things.

The responses to her letters arrived separately, which was almost a pleasant surprise. Patience was about as terse as Chastity herself had been, but – well – kinder – than she’d expected. Her note came off as almost her version of a sincere congratulations, and Chass suspected that her older sister really had softened a bit towards her in her absence. She read the letter over a few times, and thought about Patience for the first time without much resentment.

The one from her younger sisters was a true delight – well, it said it was from both of them, but presumably Temperance had done most of the actual writing, taking a little more care than usual to make it legible. They informed her about everything that had been going on at home (which wasn’t much) and declared they were getting on just fine without her (which was definitely written by Temperance, and probably only partly in jest), but that they did miss her quite a bit (something Patience hadn’t mentioned, probably because Chastity hadn’t said the same thing to her). Temperance also added that she hoped her twin sister wasn’t dead but that if she was, she (Temperance) would know.

Chastity fully agreed with her on this front. If anything happened to Temperance, Chass would be the first to know even before anyone contacted her about it.

It was signed Love, Temperance + Lacey. Someone – probably Lacey – had added three heart symbols at the very bottom. Chastity kept both letters tucked in a prominent place above the makeshift desk she had in the corner of her room so she could see them any time she needed, although the one from her younger sisters was slightly more prominent. Reading it made her feel much better than she had in a while, and she felt almost fully renewed.