Work Text:
It's early spring when Cheng Xiaoshi gets his first ever girlfriend.
It's only been a few months since he and Lu Guang have met, and it'll only be a few more months until they graduate high school. Their relatively new friendship has developed into a comfortable stream of back-and-forth banter, the occasional basketball games twice a week, and Cheng Xiaoshi texting him about some newly opened shops down the street, or how his photos look near perfect even though his camera subjects are way too difficult and move way too much.
Lu Guang isn't the type to pry, so they've never really breached this particular subject - girlfriends, lovers, relationships, and the like - and Cheng Xiaoshi has similarly kept such topics under lock.
Until the day he replies back to Lu Guang's text asking if he wants to hang out on Saturday, message filled with sad face emojis and apology.
'sry i alrdy have plans this wkend T_T T_T'
Lu Guang doesn't usually get upset when things don't go his way, but in this case, he'd been working hard on his social skills - mustering up the courage to initiate rather than wait - so the rare rejection stings a bit.
Still, he holds himself in check with a simple attempt at a joke, 'Oh, ditching me for a date or something?'
He's surprised when Cheng Xiaoshi texts back almost immediately, the excitement nearly palpable in his message.
'sry but.. yea!! how did u know?!!'
It makes him sit up straighter in bed, a slight frown on his lips. Before he can respond, Cheng Xiaoshi has already sent another stream of messages.
'i met her a few days ago at that shop i told u abt!'
'shes super cute srsly. her name is Zhang Jingyi'
'funny thing is she asked me out first. no ones ever done that before'
'well.. shes my first ever in general..'
Lu Guang stares at his phone, an odd feeling rising within him. It's another minute before he even lifts a finger to start replying, but Cheng Xiaoshi beats him to it again.
'u should meet her!'
He doesn't bother to answer, tossing his phone onto the night stand and clicking off his light.
That night, he crawls under the sheets and has trouble sleeping, eyes half-lidded as he stares up at the ceiling. Moonlight pours through the window beside his bed, casting strange patterns above his head. His thoughts are jumbled, swirling amidst some unknown emotion that envelops his chest in a choking hold.
--
He thinks it's jealousy when he first meets Zhang Jingyi, a quiet, beautiful girl with short brown hair, who clashes perfectly with Cheng Xiaoshi and his loud and brash persona. She's reserved, but smiles sweetly whenever Cheng Xiaoshi talks, and she squeezes his hand tightly when he grabs hers in his own, uncaring that both he and Qiao Ling are right there in front of them.
All four of them had decided to meet at a small café - courtesy of Qiao Ling's insistence - and they're now standing outside in the warm March air, staring awkwardly at each other after the initial introductions.
Qiao Ling is smiling as she glances between Zhang Jingyi and Cheng Xiaoshi, a light blush on her cheeks at their blatant PDA. But there's also a glimmer of happiness in her eyes, like a proud older sister seeing her little brother growing up.
Meanwhile, he watches their display with slight irritation, which only worsens when he remembers that, despite her outward demeanor, she had been the one to ask Cheng Xiaoshi out, not the other way around. He wonders if this sudden feeling of jealousy is because Cheng Xiaoshi figured out how to woo a girl before he did -- and he'd done it to such a degree that the girl initiated first. Of course, Lu Guang reasons, it's the only normal explanation.
That doesn't stop him from glancing away as Zhang Jingyi shifts closer to Cheng Xiaoshi, who returns the gesture by wrapping an arm around her shoulder and pressing her flushed to his side.
Qiao Ling's blush and smile grow. "So... you guys wanna go in and grab a coffee?"
"Honestly, I'd rather have boba tea," Cheng Xiaoshi grumbles.
"...Boba sounds good..." Zhang Jingyi murmurs. "But... I like plain coffee more..."
"Really?" The raven flashes her a hasty grin. "Then coffee it is!"
Lu Guang thinks he's never seen a more insincere expression on Cheng Xiaoshi's face, and decides he doesn't want to drink coffee anymore. At least for the rest of the week.
--
The rest of the week and the rest of the month pass by in a blur.
Lu Guang is officially the third wheel whenever Cheng Xiaoshi invites him out, because Zhang Jingyi being there is always a given. Even during their now sparse basketball outgoings, she silently shows up, sits in the background, and cheers at every little thing Cheng Xiaoshi does.
They hold hands when they walk in front of him, share wordless conversations when he's eating across the table from them, and even momentarily forget he's there when they stare so deep into each other's eyes, they're practically making out in public with how close their lips are touching.
Qiao Ling occasionally joins the three of them when she's not already hanging out with her friends, but she's also not afraid to inform them that their PDA is vomit-inducing and she'd rather not be subjected to it on a weekly basis.
Which makes Lu Guang wonder why he subjects himself to it. Why he still says yes every time Cheng Xiaoshi asks him to hang out, despite knowing he's being sidelined for someone else. Why he still enjoys the moments he spends with the other boy, despite how distracted and distant he's become.
He reasons he and Cheng Xiaoshi weren't that close to begin with, anyway, so it's fine.
The initial jealousy has settled down to a more manageable degree, as well. Sure, he still gets a bit irritated when Cheng Xiaoshi acts like a complete idiot just to please Zhang Jingyi - does a complete 180 whenever she doesn't like something that he does, or bends over backwards to accommodate her supposedly more busy schedule, which sometimes involves disrupting the initial plans he'd made with Lu Guang - but it becomes a normal occurrence.
He gets used to it. He accepts the fact that his friend is a good, great, boyfriend and cares more than he should for someone who might not return his feelings to the same extent.
He accepts the fact that he doesn't like Zhang Jingyi, and she doesn't like him - with how she keeps shooting him pointed glares, like she thinks he shouldn't be there, whenever Cheng Xiaoshi isn't looking - but they deal with each other.
Lu Guang just knows Cheng Xiaoshi deserves better.
What that 'better' thing is, he isn't exactly sure.
--
But things do end up getting better - at least for him - when Cheng Xiaoshi and Zhang Jingyi have their first fight.
It's mid-April, and the rush of finals and their impending graduation has everyone wired. Cheng Xiaoshi is a ball of anxiety because he's barely grasped the concepts of physics and trigonometry - Zhang Jingyi and photography have kept him busier than he expected - so he comes to Lu Guang for help. Even though Lu Guang is stressed himself, he's unable to resist the pathetic, puppy dog expression on his friend's face when he begs him to sacrifice a weekend to tutor him.
"It's just these two things I don't get," Cheng Xiaoshi pleads. "It won't take long, I promise."
They end up spending all of Saturday dismantling the mess Cheng Xiaoshi has made of his physics homework, and the rest of Sunday figuring out the right solutions for his half finished trigonometry assignment. Morning fades into a sunny afternoon into a drowsy night, with papers spread out on the floor and the sounds of their frustration, exasperation, and occasional laughter echoing around Cheng Xiaoshi's place. Qiao Ling sometimes flits in to drop off a snack before disappearing in the other room to figure out her own work, and it's just the two of them alone, sharing the same space, for the first time in weeks.
For the first time in forever, Zhang Jingyi isn't there with them, and Lu Guang feels like he can breathe comfortably again.
He relishes the warmth of the sun on his back as it streams in through the open window, glances over to the boy sitting beside him, a confused expression knitting his brows and a pencil between his teeth, and thinks that everything feels right again.
The feeling intensifies on Monday when he receives a sudden text from Cheng Xiaoshi late in the night.
'i dont get girls.'
Lu Guang places his book down, glances at his watch, and raises an eyebrow. Something must be seriously wrong if Cheng Xiaoshi is spending the night messaging him instead of his oh so special girlfriend.
'What happened?' he replies back.
'Jingyi wouldnt speak to me all morning'
'then she ditched me when we were suposed to meet at the coffee shop'
'then she texted smth weird right after'
'it made me mad so i said some shit back'
'now she wont reply to me'
An involuntary smile crosses Lu Guang's face as he reads over the spam of messages. 'What did she text you?'
There's a short pause.
'smth about u.'
Another ping, a faster reply.
'but its so stupid bc shes just being dramatic.'
Lu Guang quickly sets his book on his work desk and flops down onto the bed, curiosity piqued and heart picking up speed. 'What did she say about me?'
It feels like an eternity before Cheng Xiaoshi finally sends him a reply.
'she told me to go drink coffee with u instead since i spent the entire wkend with u'
'she said it in a rude way.. and it pissed me off'
Lu Guang clenches his fists, eyes lifting up to stare at the way light bounces off his dark ceiling. 'How did she say it?'
The answer is tinged with irritation that he can practically hear emanate from Cheng Xiaoshi's words.
'she called u my 'stupid gay best friend who never leaves me alone'.'
The moon shines brightly on his face when he rolls to his side, pressing a clenched fist to his chest and wondering why his heart is beating so heavily. Why the accusation fills him with disbelief, anger, and another strange, scarier emotion he can't put into words.
When he musters up the courage to look down at his phone again, Cheng Xiaoshi has already sent four more messages.
'i told her u werent stupid'
'and that she cant talk about u like that'
'and that i dont care if u dont leave me alone bc i like spending time with u'
'and that ur special to me'
Lu Guang doesn't realize he's been holding his breath until he feels how lightheaded he is. How hot his body is, from his warm cheeks to his thudding chest. How he feels delirious, smiling like this.
'sry' Cheng Xiaoshi apologizes. 'i didnt want u to kno she said that..'
'It's alright. I don't think she likes me.'
'well i dont care. ur my best friend.'
'she got mad over smth stupid'
'girls dont make any sense'
They spend the rest of the night texting back and forth, moving on from Zhang Jingyi to nicer, lighter topics like how Cheng Xiaoshi's gotten better at developing film, a process he's long had trouble mastering, and how Lu Guang has slowly but gradually developed a taste for boba tea, much to the raven's delight.
It's almost 3 am before Cheng Xiaoshi finally stops texting him, and Lu Guang figures he's fallen asleep with his phone mushed against his face. He's pretty exhausted himself, but a restless energy thrums beneath his skin. Even when he pulls the covers over his head in an attempt to sleep, he finds his mind racing with a million thoughts of things he shouldn't be thinking of.
--
Things don't improve between Cheng Xiaoshi and Zhang Jingyi.
Lu Guang doesn't see her anymore, and Cheng Xiaoshi alternates between hanging out with him and hanging out with Zhang Jingyi by himself.
He doesn't know how to feel at first -- a part of him fears that soon Cheng Xiaoshi won't be around anymore, Zhang Jingyi eventually forcing him to choose between her and Lu Guang, and the raven deciding he isn't worth losing his girlfriend over; but another part of him is relieved that he doesn't have to see her anymore, doesn't have to pretend he tolerates someone who is obviously hiding a faker, darker side, who obviously doesn't care about Cheng Xiaoshi (like he does) since she's so willing to compromise their relationship over such a petty reason.
He later learns he's right about one part of it. Zhang Jingyi does make him choose, but Cheng Xiaoshi chooses differently.
--
It's a day after their finals, a moderately warm evening with a light, lingering breeze, and Lu Guang had decided to play some basketball just to get the nerves out of his system.
He's alone on the court and tries to warm up with some free throws, but his aim is immediately off. His mind is too frazzled from all the recent studying, nervousness about his finals' results, and the added stress of certain thoughts he'd developed a few weeks ago and still doesn't understand.
After several more minutes of missing four out of every five shots he attempts, he eventually stops and slumps down against the court's fence, tilting his head to the sun and closing his eyes to try and enjoy the rest of the day and ignore his mind.
Then a familiar voice speaks up beside him.
"Yo."
Lu Guang opens an eye and glances over at Cheng Xiaoshi, who has magically snuck up on him and now sits to his right, leg almost bumping against his.
The raven isn't as cheery as he normally is, but he doesn't appear particularly stressed about anything, so Lu Guang doesn't think it involves his exams.
"What's up? How'd you do on your finals?"
Lu Guang shrugs, attention shifting down from Cheng Xiaoshi's face to the way his bare knee is inches from touching his thigh.
"Well, I think I did pretty good, especially during the physics and trigonometry parts." His friend cracks a grin. "Thanks to a certain someone."
He returns his smile. "You're welcome. You needed the help."
"Hey," Cheng Xiaoshi nudges him with an elbow, "What about my thanks? All that practice helped you too!"
"I didn't need help. I'm a natural genius."
Cheng Xiaoshi snorts. "Sure. A natural genius at missing all your shots. From the free throw line too."
Lu Guang feels his cheeks growing hot. He knows he isn't nearly as gifted as the other boy when it comes to physical sports, but it's still embarrassing to think Cheng Xiaoshi had seen him fumbling so hopelessly on the court.
"I was tired and distracted," he mutters, "Got a lot on my mind."
"Yeah." Cheng Xiaoshi's smile disappears, a pensive look crossing his face. "Me too."
Lu Guang tilts his head questioningly, a bubble of anxiety rising in his chest. "What's on your mind?"
The wind picks up strands of his black hair, covering part of his eyes, when Cheng Xiaoshi replies, after a beat of silence, "The future."
It's such an uncharacteristic thing for him to admit, especially since he's always given the appearance of living in the moment, more worried about the now than the later, impulsive and uncaring of the consequences of his decisions.
Lu Guang doesn't say anything, waiting for him to continue.
Eventually, the raven groans, leaning his head back against the fence and releasing a deep sigh. "I dunno. Maybe it's because we're about to graduate and everything's happening all at once..." He turns to look at him, a helpless smile on his face, his knee incidentally (finally) brushing against Lu Guang's leg during the motion. "I just keep wondering what's going to happen to us in the next few years. When we're twenty, and thirty, and fifty, and older. Where we're both gonna be."
His skin feels warm, solid and firm, pressed against Lu Guang.
It takes him a moment to gather his thoughts enough to reply. "Well... hopefully you'll be running your own photo studio by that point, and not being a nuisance to society."
Cheng Xiaoshi doesn't retort back to his quip, just stares at Lu Guang with an unreadable expression on his face. Silence stretches on for a long second. Then he whispers, quiet wonder in his voice. "How'd you know? That I've been thinking about doing that. Like for real, too."
Lu Guang is suddenly flustered, with his friend's undivided attention focused on him like this. "Well--it's obvious, right? You live in an old photo shop. You're always taking pictures, practicing, and developing film in your spare time. You love photography."
"Yeah. But I've never told you I wanted to run a shop of my own."
He can't help how his eyes soften, a small smile on his lips. "You don't need to tell me. I can see it." Then he shuts his mouth, before he blurts out the rest of the thoughts in his head. Thoughts he knows he can't ever let Cheng Xiaoshi hear.
I can see it... because I'm always paying attention to you. Unlike her.
Another weird look flashes over Cheng Xiaoshi's face, and Lu Guang almost considers scooting farther away from him, just so the other boy doesn't catch the steadily rising thump of his heart. But the expression disappears just as quickly as it had arrived, and Cheng Xiaoshi breaks out into a wide grin -- a bright and familiar sight that Lu Guang feels like he hasn't seen in decades. He startles him when he leans in closer and lays his head on his shoulder, ebony locks brushing against his pale, slightly reddening cheek.
"Thanks, Lu Guang," Cheng Xiaoshi murmurs. "I'm relieved."
He doesn't ask about what. He doesn't think he can even talk right now. Because there's a warmth on his shoulder and a warmth in his chest and a queasy sensation in his stomach. He hopes he isn't going to have a heat stroke.
He's miraculously pulled from his inner turmoil when Cheng Xiaoshi speaks again.
"What about you, Lu Guang?"
He blinks, throat dry. "What?"
"What are you gonna do, after high school?"
Lu Guang automatically turns his head to the sky, toward an expansive ocean of light blue, slowly darkening with the evening's end. Nothing greets him but the truth -- and he's equally honest when he answers, "I don't know."
Cheng Xiaoshi hums, shifting more comfortably on his shoulder. His knee is still touching Lu Guang's leg. "If you don't know, why don't you join me? We could open a shop together."
The feelings return tenfold - all the emotions he's struggled to maintain over the past few months - and Lu Guang can't control the way his voice shakes slightly. "What--do you mean?"
Cheng Xiaoshi lifts his head up, grinning at the look of shock on his face. "Come be my partner. We'll open up a photo studio, take loads of cool pictures, travel to a bunch of different places, and have so much freakin' fun together."
Together.
But for how long? Forever? Or just until you come to your senses and realize it's not worth it? That being with me isn't worth it.
"What about Zhang Jingyi?" Lu Guang asks before he can stop himself.
He notices Cheng Xiaoshi flinch beside him, but the other boy's expression remains unchanged. "What about her?"
"I don't think she'd like that."
The horizon is streaked with swirls of orange and red when Cheng Xiaoshi silently gets to his feet, extending his hand to Lu Guang and gazing down at him with a soft, rueful smile on his lips. "I don't really care if she likes it or not. Because she's not my girlfriend anymore."
--
It's almost summer when Cheng Xiaoshi breaks up with his first ever girlfriend.
They're about to graduate high school, leave the comfort of a place they've grown familiar with, and embark on an unknown adventure he still isn't entirely confident he wants to have.
But Lu Guang is several more months into knowing his best friend, a person who has thoroughly captured his thoughts (and captured a fair share of candid, embarrassing photos when he isn't looking), and he's sure there will be many more months - and years - to come.
The idea of an uncertain future isn't so bad, especially if he's spending it together with Cheng Xiaoshi.