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Awsten sits down on the couch beside Geoff and sighs loudly. Usually, this means he wants attention, so Geoff lifts his arm up without looking away from his drawing tablet. But Awsten doesn’t move, so Geoff cocks his head at him.
“You alright, sweetheart?” Geoff asks.
Awsten huffs at him, which isn’t a very helpful response. It also isn’t an abnormal one. He’s easily frustrated and bad at communicating when he’s in a bad mood. Geoff has been there. Something they don’t tell you about being transgender is that it makes your life harder, which makes you mad all the time.
“Do you wanna be left alone or can I help?” Geoff asks. Awsten just huffs again. This is getting them nowhere. “Can you talk to me?”
Awsten sighs, then shakes his head. Right, that makes more sense. He isn’t talking to Geoff because he can’t. Something has stressed him out to the point of taking his voice from him.
If Awsten is overstimulated, Geoff doesn’t want to make it worse by making noise. So he picks up his drawing tablet and opens a blank canvas. He writes what do you need? on it and slides the tablet and pen over to Awsten.
Awsten stares at it for a moment, then picks up the pen and scribbles something on the tablet. It takes him a while to write and he keeps erasing parts of it. Eventually, he shoves it back across the couch cushions towards Geoff.
I am upset for no reason and I feel like I’m coming out of my own skin and I don’t like being alive but I don’t wanna die and I want to be in the same room as you but I also want you to go the fuck away and I want quiet and I want music but I don’t like the way all the music sounds and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAA
The final few ‘a’s are just random scribbles where Awsten got annoyed with his inability to explain himself. Geoff understands, or he tries to. There’s too many things happening in Awsten’s brain. They need to find a way to calm him down a little, in ways that he can control without being destructive. Geoff stares at his drawing tablet, tapping his pen against his thigh instead of his knee so it doesn’t make noise.
Geoff writes on the tablet, if you give me your guitar I will sit on your desk chair and play you something while you lie on the bed and do whatever will make you feel better?
Awsten writes back can I play with your tablet?
Geoff nods, even though the tablet is his brand new one that Otto bought him for his birthday. Awsten is reckless but not careless. He probably won’t break it, and if he does then he will replace it. Otto will force him to, likely with threats of violence or withheld kisses.
They go up to Awsten’s room and Geoff leaves the tablet on Awsten’s bed rather than handing it to him directly. He doesn’t know how he is with touch when he’s like this. Better not to risk it. Awsten picks up the tablet and starts messing with it as Geoff picks up his guitar.
Geoff used to own a guitar. His mom taught him to play when he was a kid, before she got sick. She let him keep her guitar when her fingers wouldn’t cooperate anymore. He tried to keep up with it, playing by her bedside when she could handle it. But he couldn’t fit her guitar in his car when he ran away from home. Maybe he’ll go back for it one day. It might be when his dad dies, though. If he hasn’t thrown it out before then.
Muscle memory kicks in as soon as Geoff puts his fingers on the strings. He plays a few chords - the guitar is well-tuned, surprisingly. Does Awsten still play? Geoff has never heard it. He only hears the stories Jawn tells of Awsten playing gigs in basements, jumping around the makeshift stage and climbing anything with a vertical surface. If Geoff could have one wish, he would wish for his mother back. But if he got a second, he would wish to see Awsten like that. Happy, energetic, singing his heart out.
Awsten keeps drawing as Geoff keeps playing. He doesn’t commit to a whole song, jumping between artists, choruses and verses, random chords in between. Anything he thinks Awsten will like. Not trying to make it flow, just letting his fingers move. Just like Awsten seems to keep erasing parts of his drawing, redoing them before jumping to something else entirely. Geoff is so used to the software that he can tell what button Awsten is tapping just by where he’s touching the screen.
Maybe he should go outside more.
Geoff finds himself playing a Fall Out Boy song, which he only realises when Awsten starts singing along.
“Write our names in the wet concrete.” Awsten sings quietly as he doodles. “I wonder if your therapist knows everything about me.”
Geoff doesn’t join him, as much as he wants to. Awsten sounds beautiful and he doesn’t want to ruin it with his stupid high pitched voice. He never quite figured out how to train his singing voice lower. So he keeps his eyes on his guitar, playing through the rest of the song as Awsten sings to himself.
“Oh, you drain all the fear from me.” Awsten’s voice softens.
When Geoff glances up, Awsten is looking over at him. Tablet abandoned, chin resting on his arms. He smiles when their eyes meet. Geoff’s hands stop playing with the shock of how pretty he is. Of course he knew that already, but it’s nice to be reminded, to see him smile.
“Can you talk now?” Geoff asks gently.
Awsten shrugs. “A bit.”
“You don’t have to, not on my account.” Geoff strums the guitar again. Awsten nods, grateful. “Can I talk?”
Awsten nods again. He writes on the tablet love love love your voice. The third love is underlined eight times.
Geoff smiles. “I’m glad you do. I hate it.”
Sweet like a love song.
Geoff blushes. “Shut up.”
Not even talking!
“What did you draw?” Geoff asks, so Awsten will stop complimenting him. It makes him feel watched as much as it makes him feel loved.
Awsten returns to his drawing and holds it up for Geoff to see. It’s a frog, coloured in blue. Like a poison dart frog that they always show in nature documentaries. Geoff saw two at a zoo once, a pair bouncing around a glass enclosure. He would hate to live like that, always in view of strangers who think you’re bizarre for something you were born with. There’s a metaphor in there somewhere, but Geoff is not smart enough to dig it out.
“Aw, that’s cute. I like it.” Geoff puts the guitar down carefully and leans forward so he can get a better look at it. He doesn’t try to touch Awsten. “I didn’t know you could draw.”
Awsten just shrugs, a small proud smile on his face. He puts the tablet down and lies back on his bed with a heavy sigh.
“Want me to leave so you can take a nap?” Geoff asks.
He doesn’t know when Awsten last slept. It wasn’t last night, because he was up waiting for Jawn to come back from the full moon. And Geoff was at work the night before, so he has no idea if Awsten slept then either. He couldn’t be surprised if he hadn’t.
Awsten shakes his head, holding his arms out.
“You wanna cuddle?”
Awsten nods enthusiastically. Geoff moves his tablet to the desk, then climbs on top of Awsten. He rests his head on Awsten’s chest and hovers his hand over his stomach. When Awsten doesn’t flinch or resist this, he gently puts his hand down.
“Hmm.” Awsten hums happily. He places his hand over Geoff’s, interlocking their fingers. “Comfy.”
“Good.” Geoff says, nestling into him. “Me too.”
“Favourite boy.” Awsten kisses Geoff’s hair and wraps his arms around him.
“I thought that was Otto.” Geoff says, trying and failing to play the jealous boyfriend. He really does not care who Awsten likes more, because he’s the one Awsten is cuddling right now.
Awsten considers for a moment, then says, “Favourite human boy!”
“That’ll do.” Geoff agrees. “For the record, you’re also my favourite human boy.”
“Hot.” Awsten mumbles, already falling asleep. He seems to go easier when someone is with him.
It’s the middle of the day, but no one in this house has a regular sleep schedule anyway. Geoff runs his fingers through Awsten’s hair, humming the chorus of the song they were singing earlier. Somewhere in the notes, he gets the courage to sing “you’re just the last of the real ones” in his stupidly high pitched voice. It’s so awful to his ears that Geoff immediately wants to take it back.
Awsten, though, smiles sleepily. He tightens his arm around Geoff and whispers, “Such a pretty voice,” before he passes out.
And Geoff knows Awsten wouldn’t lie to him. Not about something like that. So maybe his voice is… okay. Maybe it’s fine as it is. If he’s honest with himself, he does like it. He just always felt like it wasn’t a man's voice, so he had to change it. To make it align with everything else.
Fuck it, though, Geoff isn’t even a man. He’s transmasc, and that can mean whatever he wants it to fucking mean. His voice is a guy’s voice because he is a guy and it’s his voice. Fuck what anyone else says.
Except Awsten. Because Awsten always says the right thing, and Geoff loves loves loves him for that.