Chapter Text
In the second between the sound of the key in the door and the turning of the lock, Alex knew her pity party was over.
She didn’t bother hiding the bottle on the coffee table, nor getting up from her position on the floor.
The door opened. A pair of feet shuffled in.
The detective didn’t turn around, her jaw clenching at what was about to happen next.
Audrey would scold her – of course she would. The few seconds of eye contact they’d had in the emergency room had told an entire conversation. She hadn’t been paying close attention to her surroundings, only focusing on Frank’s bleeding body underneath her. Trying to keep pressure on the many bleeding wounds. The shrapnel that had torn through his body.
Audrey had locked eyes with her, giving her a comforting nod – we’ll take it from here. Alex’s steely gaze had betrayed that the detective was in full compartmentalization mode, and would be dealing with the stress and emotion of it later.
Later – being now. Her back against the sofa legs, a shot glass of vodka in her trembling hand.
The bottle was half empty.
Alex didn’t know how full it had been to begin with.
Audrey would be angry for not dealing with it properly. There were other ways. Working out. Yelling into a pillow. Therapy.
At the very least, waiting until she got home first.
Alex clenched her eyes shut, waiting for the yelling to start.
Footsteps echoed closer. The rustling of a coat being taken off. The jingle of keys being put down in their place in the bowl.
Alex didn’t dare look up to meet her eyes. She knew Audrey could smell the alcohol on her.
She wasn’t drunk. Not yet.
She wanted to be.
To forget the sight of Frank bleeding out on the pavement in front of the precinct.
The footsteps stopped. Alex opened her eyes weakly – and saw a mass in her peripheral vision.
Finally, the silence was broken.
“Can I touch you?”
Alex’s mouth suddenly became dry. Her eyes were glued to a spot of dust on the carpet.
Her brain couldn’t form words.
Finally, the mass moved – and Audrey appeared in front of her, crouched down and looking for eye contact, but remaining at a distance physically.
“Al, baby, are you with me?”
Carefully – mechanically – Alex managed a curt nod. Audrey smiled weakly – but Alex still hadn’t looked up.
“I need you to talk to me, okay? Can I touch you?”
“Y-yes.”
Audrey moved closer, gently reaching for Alex’s hand, that was clenching the shot glass.
“I’m here. I’m here with you, and I’m not leaving.”
Another strained nod.
Alex really wanted to let go – to release all of her pent-up emotions. Audrey was here – she trusted Audrey.
Instead, she found her chest tightening. A voice in the back of her head repeating that she needed to be strong. That Audrey had been there, had seen Frank too.
Had been stoic and professional, as always. Had managed.
She was strong. She didn’t need to drink, or cry. She just went on with her job.
And despite Alex’s previous track record of staying unflinching at terrible, gory crime scenes – she was crumbling.
“Can you just take a few deep breaths for me? I’ll do them with you, okay? Here…”
Audrey carefully took the shot glass out of her hand, then moved it towards her chest, and placed it on her breastbone. “Feel my chest moving up and down. Try to match it. Deep breaths. In… out…”
Alex shut her eyes again. Tried to focus everything on matching her breathing with Audrey’s.
After a few minutes – her eyes opened. Her gaze wandered up – finally meeting Audrey’s eyes.
The doctor smiled weakly. “Hey, babe…”
Alex swallowed thickly. “’M sorry…”
“There’s nothing to apologize for. I just want you to be okay.”
“Frank isn’t.”
Audrey sighed, before nodding. “You’re right. He isn’t. But there’s nothing you or I can do about it right now. We both did our jobs today – you stabilized him until he got to the hospital, and I stabilized him in the ER. And he’s going to be okay.”
“I’m…” Alex took a shaky breath. “I’m gonna find the son of a bitch that did this to him. And I’m going to kill them.”
Audrey nodded quietly. She knew that there was no stopping Alex in this mood, and countering those strong emotions would only cause her to lash out. She needed support.
Her eyes wandered to the bottle on the coffee table. Then back to Alex.
“Can you stay here for a few seconds? Don’t get up.”
Upon Alex’s nod, she grabbed the bottle and the shot glass, and went to the kitchen.
Alex winced at the sight – feeling like she’d been lulled into a false sense of security by Audrey’s gentle tone. Now, the scolding would begin.
She could already hear Audrey’s voice in her head. The gentle yet firm tone.
This isn’t healthy.. I can’t keep coming home to you doing this… I’m driving you to rehab…
Alex didn’t need rehab. She needed her colleagues to stop trying to die on her. She needed to stop finding mutilated bodies of teenagers in parks.
Her thoughts were interrupted by the clinking of glasses.
A quiet thunk, as a bottle got uncorked behind her.
“Here.”
Alex turned her head, and saw that Audrey was holding two glasses of wine – reaching out one for her to grab.
Was it a test?
Audrey apparently noticed her struggle, because she laughed weakly. “It’s not vodka, but… it’s alcohol, at least.”
Alex reached for the glass with a shaky hand, and pulled it towards her.
Audrey took a sip from her own glass, and flopped down onto the couch behind her with a heavy sigh.
Alex did not underestimate Audrey’s job. The hours were ridiculous, the shifts planned far too close together. The stress of constant performance. If she made one mistake, people died.
Sure, Alex occasionally found herself in the same position. Stand-offs with gang members, hostage negotiations… but those were exceptional moments.
To Audrey, it was just a Tuesday. And the next day, she had to do it all over again.
She took a sip of the wine – but it tasted bitter. Like she didn’t deserve it.
Audrey was the wine person. Classy – refined. Intelligent. Smart.
Alex knew she was a vodka person. Gritty. Dark. Heavy. She carried trauma in her core, and it was a heavy weight she’d never get rid of. She wasn’t equipped for it, no matter how many therapy sessions. Voluntary or mandated.
As if Audrey felt the thoughts ramble through her head, Alex felt a hand gently snake its way into her hair. Alex’s eyes closed – a relieved sigh escaping her lips.
Audrey’s light chuckle behind her made her heart flutter.
The doctor knew what she had to do to make her feel at least a bit better. The hand drawing lazy patterns through her hair, scratching her scalp in just the right places…
“I’m sorry, baby.”
“Why are you sorry?” It was the most words Alex had said in a long time.
The hand continued its movements. “Because I should have taken better care of you.”
“Don’t be stupid.” Alex shook her head weakly. “You were saving his life.”
“I should have told someone to check up on you. I didn’t want you to leave without talking, but…”
“Stop.” Alex protested weakly. “This wasn’t about me. I’m making it all about me.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is.” The detective insisted. “I didn’t just get blown up. I’m fine.”
“Well, you might have been out of the blast range, but that doesn’t mean you’re fine. Your precinct was attacked. It was a deliberate thing, they wanted to make victims. It could have easily been you.”
“I wish.”
The hand in her hair stopped abruptly, and pulled back.
Alex realized instantly what she’d said. Her head whipped around – to see Audrey with an unreadable expression. Her hand clenched around the wine glass.
Alex’s eyes widened. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t—”
“—why would you say that?”
Alex sighed. “It slipped out.”
The tiniest head shake, as Audrey set her wine glass down on the end table next to the couch. Then, she got up.
“Babe…” Alex started, but she didn’t even know what to say.
Audrey walked back to the kitchen, before stopping herself. “I’m trying… so hard.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” Alex swallowed, returning her gaze to the carpet.
“You know, it’s one thing working in an ER – it’s a whole other thing having a partner that risks her life every day – knowing that every call about an ‘officer down’ could be you”.
Alex stayed silent. But Audrey wasn’t done.
“…And it has been you. So many times, because you keep running head-first into bullshit because somehow, in your brain, you’ve made yourself the expendable one! And even when Frank is fighting for his life, you’re still sitting here wishing it had been you?!”
Alex continued to stare down. Audrey was breathing heavily.
The silence hung heavy in the air.
Then, Alex felt the rustling of clothes as Audrey crouched down next to her once more.
“Look, I know it hasn’t been easy – and you haven’t had a lot of people to rely on…” Audrey sighed. “… but you have me now. And I have you – we have each other. And I know that… that you can’t stop those feelings. You’ve carried them for ages, I can’t ask you to let go of them. I’ll drink wine with you, instead of letting you drink vodka alone, okay? But… I need you to fight for me.”
Alex felt tears sting in her eyes. Looked up to meet Audrey’s – hers were just as glazed over.
“I need you to try. I need you to try and fight for me. Because I can’t do this alone. You’re not the expendable one. You’re my world, Alex.”
Alex broke down in heavy sobs, her frame shaking. Audrey wrapped her arms around her, leaning her chin on Alex’s shoulder. Holding her as she cried.
Pressing kisses on the underside of her cheek. Whispering sweet nothings Alex couldn’t process.
It didn’t matter.
“I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”
Audrey nodded. “I know, baby, I know.”
Alex mumbled unintelligible sentences into Audrey’s ear. With some of the words sounding like Frank… car… bomb… blood…
It didn’t take the genius Audrey was to figure out what she was talking about.
They stayed like that for what felt like hours.
Finally, Alex sagged against Audrey tiredly – and the doctor saw that as her cue to pull the detective into her arms, and carry her into the bedroom.
The rambling, shaky apologies from the detective ignored.
Alex passed out pretty quickly on the bed – Audrey tried her best to take off Alex’s clothes as much as possible without waking her.
She gave her girlfriend a tender kiss on her forehead – a tiny, content hum from the detective being the result – and disappeared into the bathroom for a long overdue shower.
As soon as the door to the bedroom was closed behind her, Audrey’s eyes pricked with tears as she sobbed – racing to the shower to put the water on, to drown the sounds.
Alex couldn’t hear it.
She had to be the strong one.