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one could think Celestials are incapable of processing human emotions but one could also think that after years of spending time in Earth with a man who deserves all the peace and love there is, A man whose beauty is far beyond this planet that eventually you would learn how to be capable of human emotions, Let alone love .
the other half seems to be right and true.
ah, An angel, A warrior, Fallen head over heels for a human? Pft- impossible and pathetic.
but This angel did. And he fell hard .
Castiel listened loosely to dean rambling on and on about tips on how to attract women, apparently too focused on dean’s soft lips to even give a flying fuck with whatever the human was talking about. Eyes that glistened under the soft light of the night sky as they sat on the hood of the car, Dean’s hand occupied by a beer that he gripped lightly on the neck of the bottle, taking occasional sips of it as they talked. But all castiel could think of was how much he wished that his hands were the one he was holding instead of the beer.
”-okay man?” Dean’s voice grated through his mellow brain, shaking him back to reality as he looked away from dean’s hand with barely concealed flushed cheeks. “Yes. Why wouldn’t I be?” He answered after a while, Looking back to The man’s eyes, Once again lost in those familiar emerald eyes he had been completely enamored by during their first meeting.
dean shrugged, taking a drink of his beer. “Don’t know man, You just seem so lost these days.”
Castiel’s head tilted, drawing his attention away from dean’s eyes and instead focusing on his entire face. Oh how he prayed for whoever was left in heaven that somehow, in some way- Dean gets swept up in his feet and falls just a little more closer to him.
The soft light of the streetlights complimented his features, making them so much more visible under the soft yellow lighting and Castiel caught himself getting lost in dean’s beautiful face, basking in the way he looked. seemingly too lost to even comprehend dean who had started staring at him awkwardly too.
Castiel flinched as he felt a hand on his shoulder, looking over and staring attentively at the hand, The warmth of it burning the skin under his trench coat. “You sure you’re alright?” He asked with a worried look, drawing his hand away from Castiel’s shoulder and the angel fought and struggled with all his demons not to whine at the loss of contact. Instead he nodded, Eyes once again trained on the motel they were staying at. Fighting the urge to look back and make the human uncomfortable.
dean hummed, shoulders relaxed and body leaning against the impala, “whatever you say, man.” He muttered before taking another sip of his beer.
—
Dean had talked about lisa and ben to Castiel, His voice filled with so much adoration and love for the woman that it made Castiel for the first time in decades, Want to sob and cry.
Castiel was shattered whenever dean mentioned them both. Selfish was never an Angel’s virtue. But Castiel had fallen, and he cannot be called an angel anymore.
So when Dean had made the ultimate decision to make them both forget about everything he was and who he had been, As bad as it sounds- Castiel was happy, And sure maybe a little guilty and sorrowful for the human considering he’d just lost the family he could have had, but He was overfilled with joy.
All those moments led to him thinking, He was alone here, No dean, no bunker, Just purgatory.
He took the time he had for himself to think.
Was this love?
Is this how it feels like to love?
How it feels to sacrifice it for someone you loved so deeply?
He had his reasons, Why his running far away from dean- wherever his human may be. And it was to keep him safe, away from harm and danger where it could follow him back to earth.
But when dean had seen him in that river, He felt alive again after months of being so numb. He felt selfish- wishing and praying that everything that kept dean away from him to just- go away no matter what it was.
But dean was there, And he let himself bask in the human’s presence for atleast just a second.
But fate had been so cruel to him, He realized that he was in love, yes. But dean only saw him as a friend. Nothing more.
It hurt him to even think about it, let alone have the knowledge that dean would never, Love a man like him. He wanted to confess, scream at the top of his lungs about how much he loved him more than the women he had slept with, Loved him more than lisa, Cared for him more than anyone. But he didn’t.
Then came his time.
The door held up against billie as they both desperately try to find a way out, only to find no option.
But Castiel thought of one.
He looked at his bloody palms, Then back at his human. His face drawn, drained out of hope. But still beautiful. Still dean Winchester.
“There is- there is one thing she’s afraid of, there’s- one thing strong enough to stop her.” He said with a light of hope, eyes looking back at his human one more time
Dean glances skeptically at Castiel, The pounding of the door becoming more and more apparent that it was only a matter of time before she could barge in.
He looks to the ground, voice grave and serious; “when jack died-“ he started, “I- i- made a deal.” He stuttered, as if every word could hurt Dean.
But dean looked at him with furrowed brows, Not believing the angel one bit. “You what?” He muttered, Voice filtered with disbelief.
“The price was my life. When I experienced a moment of true happiness, The empty would be summoned. It would come for me. And it would take me, forever” Castiel explained, his eyes becoming glassy.
bang
“Why are you telling me this now?” Dean shook, eyebrows furrowed and expression full of sorrow.
Bang
Castiel paces, processing— working out an epiphany.
“I always wondered, ever since I took that curse” he spoke finally, voice desperate as he wanted to tell him everything- From beginning to end, but there was so little time. “I Wondered what it could be- what my true happiness would even look like,” he stared at those emerald eyes once again, Letting himself bask in the familiarity and be flooded with memories of a time they had first met. oh how he ached to experience those moments again.
“But I never found an answer.” He kept going, despite his struggles of trying not to tear up infront of the human. “Because the one thing I want, It’s something I know I can’t have.” Castiel spoke firmly, every word becoming a heavyweight for him.
bang
Dean continues to stare at him, baffled and eyes finally focused on Castiel, Confused by this strange and so sudden confession, But Cas just looks up, eyes starting to fill with tears. And the beginning of joy.
Castiel smiled, lines forming on his face as he did. “But, I think I know now.” He continued, smile contorting into a grin of joy and fondness. “Happiness isn’t in the having. It’s in just being. It’s in just saying it.” He said, voice breaking ever so slowly. He looks at dean with a stare.
bang
“What are you talking about man?” Dean’s voice was breathy, shaky and without a thought to where the confession may lead.
Castiel strides forward, closing in on Dean. “I know how you see yourself, Dean.” He says, “you see yourself the same way our enemies see you, you’re destructive, you’re angry- you’re broken, ‘daddy’s blunt instrument’.”
Dean can sense Cas’s urgency, the need to tell him something. Yet he still has no Idea where the angels words will lead.
“You think hate and anger, that’s, that’s what drives you. You think that’s who you are.” Then, “but it’s not. And everyone who knows you can see it.”
Dean continues to stare hopelessly, wanting to say something- anything- but his robbed off of his words as Castiel undisturbed, keeps going.
“Everything you have ever done— the good and the bad- you’ve done it for love. You raised your brother, for love. You’ve fought for this world— for love.” He says, eyes wide and wet. The urgency was evident on his voice now, Castiel’s tone frantic yet so so full of emotion. “That’s- that’s who you are.”
bang
“You’re the most caring man on earth, you are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know.” He says with a sorrowful smile and tearful eyes, BANG “Ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of hell.” He starts, stalling. “Knowing you has changed me. Because you cared- I cared.” Castiel sniffles, yet his smile did not falter. “I cared about you- about Sam, and jack-“ “I cared about the whole world because of you. You did that, dean.” The tears start to finally stream down his cheeks, eyes starting to become red and puffy as his nose had become stuffy. “You changed me, dean.” He stares again at those eyes with a bitter smile and eyes that could only resemble a hint of joy, happiness.
Castiel’s words have hit him emotionally, striking right at his core.
“Why does this sound like a goodbye?”
Castiel smiles. “Because it is.”
The angel’s eyes are open, his heart full. He was the happiest than dean had ever seen him.
bang
The constant pounding was reminding them that the warding won’t last long, that eventually it would come down. But the angel pays it no mind.
And Dean, Dean is stunned, confused, Frustrated and desperate. But Castiel is lit up, The heavy burden he had been carrying for so long finally being spoken for the first, and the last time.
Castiel’s voice is shaky, but he delivers it clearly for the human to hear. His human. “I love you.”
Dean could do nothing but stare in shock, stunned that he was receiving such a declaration from his best friend. Looking at Castiel’s little upside down smile. And he can’t reciprocate, No matter how much dean does want to. But Cas doesn’t need to him to, His spoken his truth, Castiel is at peace.
“Don’t do this Cas.” He shook his head slightly, He wants to say it- but he can’t in fear that Castiel will be taken, Taken away from him again- and this time, permanently.
The moment was cut short as a dark rift forms in the room, leaking black ooze the same time the door finally swings open, The reaper bursts into the interrogation room, scythe in hand and a menacing figure. Ready to kill them both.
“Cas-“ Dean was cut short as Castiel pulled him close and with a soft smile, “Goodbye, Dean.” He says a final time as he shoves dean out of the way, smiling reassuringly at his human before letting the empty take him. Black goo erupting from the rift as it consumed the angel and the reaper.
And just like that, He was alone once again.