Work Text:
57.8 kg
HiMERU gaining weight over the holidays? Unheard of. But he might be a different story – as the number flashing on the screen down between the tips of his toes proves. He’s stepped on and off twice. It’s still the same. Down to the decimal. He’s tempted to do it a third time, but who is he trying to fool? Roughly 4 pounds aren’t going to miraculously disappear into thin air, just like they didn’t magically appear overnight. They are very much there on his ribs and thighs and stomach and-
While he could spend all morning trying to sum up every little decision that could have caused them to accumulate over the last weeks, getting them back off is the more pressing and productive matter. This is no way to start the year, no way to come back to work after a break. He’s got an image to maintain. HiMERU’s more disciplined than this. This can’t stand.
It’s not just the holidays though, not like he didn’t see it coming. Between Shiina’s cooking at work and yours greeting him whenever he comes home, it’s been hard to follow a diet. The thing is, he doesn’t have it in him to tell you no. Not when you go through the trouble to cook and look at him with that happy expression whenever he sits down to eat with you.
It’s not that your cooking is unhealthy per se. Just that you know him and his preferences well. Meaning that more often than not, you put something he really likes on the table – which makes it significantly harder not to indulge. On top of that, it’s simply good. You might not be a chef like Shiina, but he dares to say that yours is in no way inferior. It might be a sentimental assessment, because before you, the only person to ever bother to cook for him specifically had been his mother. After she died, he lived off take-out or convenience store food at worst, or at best benefited from someone, anyone around him making food for themselves and he’d end up with leftovers.
But when he exits the bathroom and is immediately hit with the scent of you once again preparing something in the kitchen, he hastens his steps, resolving to simply grab his coffee and be out the door before he’s got the chance to make any more bad decisions driven by a warmth in his heart that’s there due to you, rather than any aroused in his stomach by soup or pancakes or whatever it is that struck your fancy this morning.
“Morning, Meru. Do you-“ You get cut off by a kiss, brief but surprising enough to throw you off from what you’ve been meaning to say.
“Sorry, HiMERU’s running late. See you tonight.” And before you have any chance to get another word in, he’s grabbed and slung his coat over one arm and is out the door.
“… bye…” Your mumble gets overshadowed by the toaster going off behind you with a loud pop and for a moment you just stand there in silence with the scent of bread slowly spreading all throughout the kitchen. There’s a tiny stain from where HiMERU had grabbed his mug a little too hastily without properly closing the lid on top. When your eyes land on it on the otherwise spotless counter and you realise that he’s once more left the house with nothing but that, you resolve that you need to say something.
It feels a little ironic to hear his keys turn in the door and the lock click open right as you’re once again standing in front of the stove, armed with a wooden spoon for stirring in a pot of soup. Whether this is the perfect or absolute worst timing remains to be seen.
“Hey you.” You turn and lean your back against the edge of the counter, smiling at HiMERU as he bends down to take off his shoes. “Welcome home. How was your day?”
This time, the kiss you get once he’s made his way over to you, is much less hasty, even if calling it lingering would also be an exaggeration. You savour it, nonetheless. How could you not? Still, you don’t miss that he looks worn-out and that his reply feels more like he’s ready to drop face first on the couch rather than tell you about his day in detail. “Hmm… the usual. A lot of meetings…”
“Sounds like they must have been thrilling.” You kiss his cheek for good measure before turning back around to the simmering soup. And even if you doubt that he’s going to take you up on the offer, you ask regardless: “You hungry? Soup’s just about done.”
“Ah… Thank you, but HiMERU will only try a spoonful. He’s already had dinner.” Him avoiding the question doesn’t surprise you much. But sometimes you wonder if he’s unaware or if he simply forgets that you’ve known him more than long enough to see how he looks at the pot on the stove and savours the spoon of soup like it’s not just your average cooking, but something that would cost a fortune or that you’d need to stand in queue for forever. And while some would probably point out how lucky you are that your boyfriend is so keen on your cooking – not that you’re not grateful for the fact – you also know that whatever this is right now, has very little to do with the dish itself and more with the fact that he’s probably not eaten anything proper in hours. If at all.
So, while you were planning not to jump the gun on this topic, knowing it to be a delicate matter, you suppose there’s no point in dragging having this conversation out.
“Meru.” Neither do you want to call him a liar outright, nor do you like him skipping meals. But both are facts and not something you can ignore and leave unaddressed forever. “You know, you can always tell me that you don’t want anything. There’s no need to make up an excuse.”
You don’t know if the silence you’re met with lingers because he didn’t expect you to speak up about his rather questionable eating habits or if he’s simply trying and failing to come up with an excuse on the spot. Whatever it is, for a few moments, dinner bubbling on the stove is the only sound in the whole apartment.
“That’s-“ It is eventually interrupted by HiMERU attempting to say something, but ultimately sighing and making his way over to the couch to plop down on it unceremoniously. Whether it’s from fatigue over work or the conversation at hand you can’t say. “That’s not it.”
“Okay.” Giving him the benefit of the doubt, you wipe your hands on a kitchen towel and turn off the stove before following him to the living room to sit down with him. “Would you mind telling me what it is then? I worry about you, and I’d like to understand.”
“It’s not that HiME- that I don’t want to eat the food you make.“ Hearing him correct himself ignites the hope in you that this talk might be more fruitful than you would have expected. At least him willing to open up and speak without any pretence is a good start. “It’s just that I can’t. Not all the time. You know I have to watch my weight for… work. So, don’t take my discipline personally, please. You’re a great cook. It’s just that the holidays have been… a little too indulgent. So don’t worry.“
This being his explanation doesn’t come unexpected, not in the least. But knowing him, it’s more complicated than simple insecurity or unreasonable industry standards to live up to – although you’re not shy to curse those as well – and unsurprisingly, making this into a shortcoming of his own, only makes him harder on himself.
You’ve been there. And while you’re not a public figure and thus don’t have to deal with nearly as much – sometimes unwanted – attention and the pressure that comes with it, you’re not immune to how everyone you see on TV and billboards looks. How everyone who doesn’t, is reduced to comic relief in the best case or treated as someone, some thing lesser in the worst. That HiMERU of all people would be holding himself to a level of perfection that no one could achieve, does not come as a surprise at all.
However, you have your doubts that that’s all there is to it.
Because you can’t help but wonder if seeing Kaname being drip-fed might have something to do with how he’s acting. That because Kaname doesn’t get anything beyond what’s necessary to keep him alive, HiMERU doesn’t either. The logic’s rather twisted, but the thought process behind why your boyfriend has been posing as his brother in the first place is just as much. You wouldn’t put it past him to apply the same outrageous rules for himself in this case.
“I’m not offended, Meru.” You sigh. While to you it is quite obvious that this isn’t about you or your cooking skills at all, it seems like he’s either deflecting or genuinely concerned about hurting your feelings. And of course, telling you not to worry isn’t going to make you stop worrying. It doesn’t work that way. Especially not with someone you care about as much as you do for him. “Like I said, you just make me worry sometimes. Especially when I feel like you’re being even stricter with yourself than usual. There’s nothing unusual or wrong about weight changing a bit over the year.”
“HiMERU is not a bear though.” It’s hard to keep a straight face when he comes out and says something like this so seriously, tone completely flat. Like the mental image it creates in your head isn’t either the funniest or cutest thing. “There’s no purpose for me to be stocking up for winter.”
“No, you’re not.” Even if there are no round, fluffy ears to pet atop his head, you reach out to gently caress it regardless. Your hand lingers on his cheek for a moment after tucking a strand of hair behind his completely standard, human ear. “But you do spend a large part of your day on your feet, jumping and running around for practice and from meeting to meeting. Your body needs to get the energy to do so from somewhere. And for that, having a bit to burn in reserve is far from bad.”
That whatever miniscule amount of weight he’s actually put on, can hardly be compared to what he’d need to get through the entirety of winter, goes without saying. Especially considering that he’s not spending the entire time cosily dozing in a dark room under a pile of blankets. Knowing how many times you’ve longed to do so in the past, you’d really wish the world would allow him the peace and rest. Peace and rest being the furthest from his mind, however, is plenty clear just taking one look at HiMERU. With him, it’s not even a matter of reality, society or the world at large interfering with such indulgent dreams, but rather his own head that is much too concerned with piling up reasons to not cut himself any slack. In a way it’s a feat in itself to manage to still look so tense and ready to bolt after essentially collapsing on the couch the minute he stepped through the door.
“But I don’t think you need me to tell you that. In fact, I think you know a lot more about nutrition and all that jazz than I ever could.” You think your phrasing alone probably makes that point quite clear. Still, even if you lack the insight of a nutritionist, like anybody you eat. Daily, usually three times. At least. So, you would say that even if you’re not a professional, over the years some insight into the topic has accumulated simply through exposure. “But I think what you are sometimes losing sight of, is that that’s not all there is.”
That what you’re referring to isn’t as obvious to HiMERU as it is to you, is conveyed by the look he gives you alone. Like you’re about to unveil some kind of grand, mysterious secret. You almost feel a little bad for how basic your next words must sound when met with that expectant look. But at the same time, perhaps even if they seem simple to you, they’re something he needs to hear said explicitly and to his face.
“I think it’s important to not only eat for your body, but for your heart as well. There’s a reason soul food’s a thing.”
You’re glad that at least he doesn’t look outright disappointed by the reveal. Although, it’s hardly an enthusiastic reaction either. The wisdom you impart to him earns you nothing but him pressing his lip together tightly, as if thinking about saying something, but then changing his mind and averting his eyes with a small “Hmm…”.
“And I don’t mean having a rough day and eating a cupcake and then trying to ‘balance out’ the afternoon snack by skipping dinner.” While that’s obviously not something HiMERU outright tells you about doing, you know him well enough to be aware that the logic would be typical of him. Best to bring it up right away before he jumps to that conclusion. “It doesn’t work that way, to do just one or the other. Both your body and your soul need energy to keep you going, so both need to be fed.”
Just how much need for that there is, shows on his face. While this is hardly the first time he’s come home looking exhausted, it makes your heart ache even more than usual when it’s right after some well-deserved time off. You know that with a profession like his, it can’t always be helped to have long and odd hours. And even if it certainly isn’t ideal, you’ve always had the impression that despite getting this job in a rather unconventional way, he’s always enjoyed it – more or less openly so. But that is provided that he doesn’t work himself to the bone by making the load heavier than it needs to be.
“You don’t eat a whole lot to begin with.” It’s like you can see the remark to disagree on the tip of his tongue as soon as the words have left your mouth. But once again, it doesn’t make it past his lips, this time being shaken off by shifting a little in his seat. But the statement holds true, even with what he’s calling indulging, it’s still a fraction of what the average person his size would eat. “I think it would be worth making the meals you have count by eating something you enjoy, rather than having them solely based on what nutritional value they hold.”
“Also, carbs make you happy. That’s been studied before.” That the results are inconsistent and inconclusive doesn’t matter. So long as there’s a chance of them doing so, you consider pointing it out to be worth it. “And above all else, I want you to be happy.”
Right now, he looks anything but - fidgeting with his fingers just to have something to do with his hands and somewhere to look other than you. It’s nervous and restless in a way you’ve rarely seen from him and it takes no genius to tell that the topic is anything but comfortable and easily discussed. But in the time you’ve known each other and that you’ve been a couple, you’ve had your fair share of uncomfortable and difficult to talk about. It’s a necessary evil sometimes, part of life. And as tense as a conversation as this can be, these are the ones that usually improve things in the long run. And the long run is what you want, what you are in for with him. No serious conversation is going to keep you from that.
“Meru, you are quite possibly the only person this hard on you. You work hard. I know that. Everyone knows that. Everyone but you it seems sometimes.” Truly, you can’t imagine anyone ever accusing him of slacking off. Anyone but his perfectionistic self. “But there is more to life than working and getting the bare minimum to replenish after, don’t you think? You deserve more than that. Nothing short of the best if you ask me.”
Even if out of the two of you, you’re certainly the one more comfortable with speaking of your affection out loud rather than making it known through other means, right now any words you may find seem miniscule. Inadequate for what you are trying to convey. A fact that feels quite ironic when thinking about in the middle of saying so many. And because you feel like they still aren’t enough, you gently bump your shoulder against HiMERU’s to make sure that even if nothing of what’s been pouring out of you so far has stuck with him, at least the underlying care will.
When the small touch gets him to finally look at you again, even if just for a moment, you feel hopeful that it just might.
“So no, I don’t think you’re being too indulgent at all. Not over the holidays and not in general. Regardless of any number on a scale.”
Initially you hadn’t even meant to say so much – the last thing you wanted was to give him a lecture and reflecting on your own rambling now makes you feel a little awkward. You’d much rather listen to his thought process. But HiMERU doesn’t give you anything to listen to. In fact, he simply sits there and looks at you with an expression that seems just the slightest bit torn over how to take all those words. And considering how fundamental this whole issue, this whole topic is to his daily life, it’s not like you had expected that he’d accept your reassurance easily. So, since it’s clearly not an option to have him speak his mind right now, you push any awkwardness you feel at going off on a tangent for so long aside to try and convey as much as you possibly can, that even if this won’t be solved in a day, you have his back.
“It’s one thing if you don’t like it.” Not that there’s anything not to like, you mentally add. Far from it in your opinion. But you refrain from saying that you like how it looks on him. The extra pounds aren’t even noticeable in the first place – unless maybe you snuggle up real close, though that’s a privilege exclusive to you – but the relaxation on his face and in his entire frame is, when he for once doesn’t think about it and simply eats what he wants. You like that. “But I don’t like the idea that other people get to tell you how you’re supposed to live in your skin. It’s your body. Not anyone else’s… Even if it might feel that way.”
While HiMERU – Kaname – may be 18, he is not. Hasn’t been in quite a while. So, to expect himself to keep the physique of a teenager is not only optimistic at best, but highly counterproductive for his health at worst. There’s nothing realistic about it in the long term and while you understand why he’s so insistent about it, that doesn’t mean that you have to sit there and watch him live off coffee and protein bars in silence.
“I would think that anyone who’s genuinely rooting for you would want to see you happy and healthy more than anything else. Not starving yourself.” That goes for both his fans as well as Kaname. As it does for his friends and coworkers and you and… Just trying to mentally list all the people invested, it’s suddenly not at all hard to see why he’d put so much pressure on himself.
Now if only he realised that none of them would want him to.
Until he does, you won’t let him forget.
“And if one of your superiors at work has a problem with that, they can fucking fight me.” The mental image of you pulling out the steel chair and getting into the ring with one of the CosPro executives, of you waking up and choosing violence, is so absurd that HiMERU cracks the tiniest smile despite himself.
In the past he would have most likely found this behaviour irritating. You – or anyone for the matter – butting into his business. Making his problems your own. He would have insisted that there was no need for concern and that he’s fine by himself and a grown man who can look after himself.
However, he’s come to realise that even if he is all that, this is nice. It’s nice that someone notices and cares. Cares enough to notice. Because perhaps sometimes, he doesn’t care enough about it – about his own person and body and what he does with it. Doesn’t care to take care. Doesn’t care to be nice.
Back when he was trying to push Kaname’s career, Kaname had ignored the meal plans he made for him quite frequently. He didn’t really get it back then, always finding it unnecessary and undisciplined, but even so, he never really had it in him to reprimand his brother for it. Looking back, he’s glad that he was too soft to do it. There was very little comfort to be found in Reimei and in line with what you brought up earlier, if an unplanned dessert could be that little push needed to get through a nightmarish day, who was he to judge?
But he isn’t in Reimei. Nor is his current environment anywhere near as hostile, even if the job and the way he goes about it comes with its own set of challenges. He’s quite aware that he has it better than Kaname ever did. Knowing that he’s also responsible for the fact that he’s here instead of his brother, it feels indecent to enjoy it too much.
“I get what you’re saying, but…” Trailing off for a moment, HiMERU takes a deep breath. It’s not a lack of trust that makes this hard to say out loud, but rather the fact that he already knows that the second the words leave his mouth, they’re going to sound foolish. They feel anything but when they exist as a thought in his head. But out in the air, for your ears to hear and for you to think them through and meet with ones of your own, it’s a different matter. Because he knows you. And while he may not be able to deduce what you’re going to reply just yet, what he does know already, is that whatever you say, it’s most likely going to dismantle his thought, his words immediately. Objectively, he realises that this is a good thing. Perhaps one of the best anyone could manage in this situation. However, as much as he is aware of that and as unreasonable as his reason for hesitating is, sometimes, he just doesn’t want to be proven wrong.
Even if you would never say any of the things you tell him to make him feel dumb for feeling or thinking this way, he can’t shake off the thought that he is when you point out the flaws in his logic so easily. It is meant to be reassuring, he’s aware. As is he aware that you do take his impressions and feelings as serious as your own. Still, sometimes it’s hard to accept solutions when you could never find them yourself.
“But?” You prompt and snap him out of his train of thought. How long had he been zoning out for? HiMERU rubs his eyes, pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs.
“But I feel wrong doing it.”
There it is. As well as he could say it without feeling too uneasy about it.
The admission lingers in silence for a bit – tense on his, thoughtful on your part – until you pull out of your contemplation to look at him and say: “You’re the senior detective, I won’t contest that. But can I play Watson for a sec and give you my own two cents of criminalistic expertise?”
Criminalistic expertise…? HiMERU has no idea what you’re suddenly on about and when he just stares at you in mildly confused silence, you continue after a moment.
“Eating a slice of cake isn’t a crime. Neither are two. Or whatever else it is…“ Tension and confusion give way to mild amusement when the mystery is lifted. One that shows on his face just the slightest bit. Like he predicted, he feels silly for his concerns. But unpredictably, it doesn’t feel uncomfortable. Not like he’s the fool here. It would be a real feat to do when you somehow manage to quell his serious worries in the most unserious way. As if to remind him that there’s always at least someone there on the same level with him. He’s glad that of all people, it’s you.
Again, his train of thought is once more interrupted by an inhale from you as you point at him in accusation that looks too put-on to come off as anything but playful.
“Unless they’re mine and you’re stealing them from the fridge when I’m not looking. That’s theft and I will make you pay for that.” The way you lean in suggests just what sort of punishment a crime like this might entail – that cake wouldn’t be the only sweet thing on his lips. Fortunately for a guy like him, you’re the sweetest thing – without any calories whatsoever. If anything, the two of you tend to burn them rather effectively when you’re alone together.
“Seriously though, Meru…” Of course, there was no way you’d leave it at that. “You’re not helping anyone by being mean to yourself. It doesn’t make anyone feel better if you’re feeling worse.”
As always, you’re disarming. How you do it with words alone is something that HiMERU has pondered time and again. But he’s too tired to do anything of the sort right now – be it to get to the bottom of your particular skills or to come up with any argument in return. So, what he does instead, is close his eyes and sigh. This may not fix the problem, but at least it feels lighter now. On his ribs and thighs and stomach – and most importantly his heart.
Your hands find his cheeks and pull him closer to kiss his forehead - the contact soft and light and warm. But they don’t stop there, causing him to follow the pull of your body until the centre of gravity tips and he lands with his head upon your chest, lying down on the couch. You don’t bat an eye, having his entire body weight – all 57.8 kg of it – on top of you. In fact, you look more comfortable than ever to be used as a pillow. Listening to your heartbeat – unobstructed and even and so very full of love – he enjoys the softness in silence until you speak up a while later:
“How about this… Would it help with eating something if I’ll tone it down on the winter comfort foods and make something lighter instead?” Your willingness to accommodate for his mannerisms tugs at the corners of his mouth. It feels warmer than any stew ever did. Yet at the same time, he doesn’t want to be the reason you miss out on things you enjoy, and you’ve got no reason to skip.
“You don’t have to do that. I can just-“
“I want to.” Not just for your own peace of mind, but also if you can reduce the number of things he worries about, there’s no way you wouldn’t in a heartbeat. Especially when it’s a relatively easy fix. “If I’m desperately craving something hearty, I’ll just have it for lunch.”
“… Is that a ploy to lure me home during my break?”
“Hehe, maybe.”