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The thing about roombas, Shen Yuan has learned, is that they’ve clearly survived the horrors of market fads by virtue of how goddamn cute they are.
It sure as fuck wasn’t because they were any good at their jobs!! Who the hell programmed this thing!! He’d had it three days and it had managed to destroy all of his shoes, half the rugs in his apartment, two pairs of his underwear, and an extremely limited edition Shen Qingqiu standee. To be fair, he only had the standee to keep his collection complete, but!!! Less invasive than hiring a maid, he’d said!!! He’ll save money in the long run, he’d said!!!!!
And the worst part! The worst part!! Was that the moment he starts to really consider pitching the damn thing, it would make these mournful little beeps, and then- as though possessed!!- he finds himself telling it that everything was okay, that it was just doing its best, that he was sure it would get the hang of everything soon… It’s just a vacuum! What was with this emotional manipulation, iRobot?!
As though sensing his thoughts, the roomba makes another sad series of beeps. Against his will, Shen Yuan pats its chassis. “It’s okay, I’m sure you’re doing your best.” Except it’s really not okay! He can’t be sure he has the largest collection of Proud Immortal Demon Way merch anymore…
He stares at the sleek black plastic top, and gets an idea. The roomba rolls back a bit as he leaps from the floor to go rummage through his desk. It’s a minute or two before he scrounges up his officially licensed Luo Binghe demonic huadian sticker, but the roomba hasn’t done much beyond slowly make its way over to his room. Huh, he must’ve messed with its pathing or something by picking it up earlier. But that’s a problem for future him.
“Hold still a moment,” he tells it, like it has voice controls, and then he carefully puts the huadian on the top of its chassis, on the side with the sensor; as close to a forehead approximate he can think of. “There you go! If you’re going to shred my Shen Qingqiu, it’s only fitting you be a roomba Binghe. Roombing?” He laughs at his own joke. Roombing is silent for a long moment, and then- proving himself very different from his namesake- gives a happy-sounding chirp. Hah, the real Binghe would have gutted him! He should’ve gotten a white chassis for this white lotus, ah!
Roombing makes a quick circle around him before resuming the never-ending task of dubious apartment cleaning. That sensor really was great- it was kinda bizarre he kept destroying things on accident, but such were the growing pains of technology.
It isn’t long after that before Roombing really gets the hang of his job. Sure, he still needs rescuing from some pesky corner every once in a while, and he still somehow manages to eat a sock or some underwear now and then, but the floor is spotless! The wonders of machine learning!! Shen Yuan is glad he’s been nice to him. Maybe he’ll be spared in the coming robot new world order!
Although, there are a few things his roomba does that he’s starting to find a bit worrying. He needs to remind Roombing to use the charger, for one, and sometimes he just stops. If roombas had eyes, Shen Yuan would think he was staring at him, haha; a human must look pretty strange to those sensors!
As the days pass by, though, he starts to really wonder if there isn’t something wrong with Roombing. “Hey, are you feeling okay?” He asks, like an idiot, turning the little robot around to check for any obvious damage. Roombing gives a happy chirp. Roombing gives a happy chirp in response to anything that isn’t scolding, though; Roombing is a liar who cannot be trusted with his own health. Shen Yuan places him in the center of his cleared apartment floor and starts the self-diagnostic cycle.
Thankfully, Roombing passes each test with flying colors. “What a relief,” he says, patting the roomba’s chassis. “You had me worried I was going to have to call customer service!”
Roombing says nothing, which is a little strange, but Shen Yuan supposes his little friend doesn’t have similar interactions to draw on or however that works. “I’m going to go order dinner,” he says. It feels weird to say without offering to add something on to the order, so he gives Roombing an extra pat before fishing around for his phone. His pantry is in desperate need of a restock and he actually feels like he might be up for a trip to the store, but the air quality has been so shitty the past few days...
Food ordered, he decides to check Zhongdian for a Proud Immortal Demon Way update. The last two were actually something approaching interesting, with original thought! Not that he’s getting his hopes up or anything, but Luo Binghe actually realizing his vast harem and empire wasn’t making him happy made Shen Yuan feel like the series had real potential again!
But naturally, such a massive shift from the usual drivel has also brought the worst out of the so-called ‘fanbase’ in the comment section. Idiot dick-for-brains who wouldn’t know good writing if it killed them! A never-ending tide of shameless dumbassery! Putting them in their place has been a full-time job!! He’s pretty sure there’s some bottom-feeder lowlife leaving half of these shitty reviews under alt accounts, with the weirdly formal dunking on Luo Binghe, and he’ll be damned if he lets that bastard in particular win!!!
Halfway through a particularly scathing reply, he gets a message notification.
Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky: Hey Cucumber-bro, are you still alive?
Peerless Cucumber: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
The doorbell rings right after he hits send, and he goes to retrieve his food. A happy beeping starts up as he sets the table; Shen Yuan picks Roombing up and places him on the other side of the table. “It’s been awhile since I had anyone over, haha.” Maybe he should get a cat or something? Better to be the crazy recluse who talks to their pet than one who talks to their appliances.
He takes a bite of his takeout. It’s… Really fucking delicious!! Did they get a new cook?? That restaurant better give the chef a raise!!! “Fuck.” A sad beeping comes from across the table. “Oh, sorry, this is just really good.” That gets him a happy beep. “So, how was your day, Bingbing?” An interesting mix of beeping.
That he might really need to get a life passes through the back of his mind as he finishes up the last dregs of his food. Wonderful. He’d lick the carton clean if he was alone, but with Roombing up on the table and actively engaged in a conversion? Absolutely not! He’s not some freak!!
Probably a good thing, though, as the less stellar aftertaste kicks in. Ugh, he needs a strong cup of shou to wash that slight metallic taste out. Knocking a star off his review! See if he orders from them again anytime soon!
He orders from them again the next day. The day after that he orders both lunch and dinner from them. A week later, he gets a knock on the door with food delivered before he even places the order- which is a little weird, sort of, but he’s not going to look a gift horse in the mouth! He feels so much better than usual, which he can guess is due to food that isn’t nearly expired and a cleaner apartment. Not that he’d ever admit that aloud! When his doctors ask, see if he gives them anything more than a shrug!
Of course, he isn’t counting on this newfound wellbeing lasting very long, but for the moment he feels sort of like he kinda wants to go do something. His life seems to have gotten stuck in a loop of sleeping, eating, chattering inanely to Roombing, and ruthlessly defending his position that yes, Luo Binghe does deserve happiness, and no, a bottomless chasm of a harem clearly wasn’t fulfilling. (He’d add destroying Airplane in private messages to that list, but the coward never messaged him back.) And while he does enjoy the life of a bona fide internet gremlin NEET, he can agree getting outside every now and then is probably good for him.
“Want anything from the store, Binghe?”
Roombing just makes a sad beep.
“Ah, don’t be like that. I won’t be gone long,” he coos, patting his chassis before turning to head out the door. “It’s been a while since I—” Huh. “What’s with the door?” Shen Yuan fiddles with the deadbolt a moment before trying to open the door again, to no avail. Had it rusted shut or something? Pulling out his phone, he tries calling maintenance only for the call to disconnect. He calls the front desk. It disconnects. He calls the police. It disconnects. What was he paying for cell service for, huh?! China Mobile, he wants a refund!!
He reluctantly pulls up his apartment complex’s website and submits a help ticket. It’ll take longer than if he could just get someone on the phone, but desperate times and all that. His family owns the building, so it’s really just a matter of how long it takes for the front desk folks to check their email.
An hour passes without hearing back, and he isn’t too worried. And then the hour drags into two hours, and then three hours, and—okay. He’s starting to get worried.
Dinner time rolls around before someone knocks on the door. Finally. “The door won’t open,” he hollers. No one answers. “Hello?” Nothing. In a fit of pique, Shen Yuan jostles the doorknob, and!! It fucking swings open like nothing was ever wrong!!
A bag of takeout sits innocently in the hallway.
The rage of an internet gremlin scorned fills him. A goddamned restaurant that he hadn’t even ordered from made it here before his being stuck in his apartment was so much as acknowledged?! Zero stars to the front desk!! “You’re fucking with me.” Somewhere behind him, Roombing beeps sadly. “Not you, Bingbing.” He grabs the food and shuts the apparently fixed door behind him.
Settling back into his usual evening routine is, in the end, all too easy. His brief bout of restlessness has passed by the next day, but the front desk still hasn’t replied to his email, so he once again gets ready to leave his sanctuary to go ask them if they ever even got it. For all he knows, it might be a problem with his service providers, and he doesn’t want to go off on someone undeserving.
The door doesn’t open.
Shen Yuan turns around, ready to go send absolutely scathing emails to anyone who might be involved, only to find Roombing sitting just behind him in the entryway. Once again, he gets the strange feeling that the roomba is staring at him. For the first time, a chill runs down his spine. He’d always thought Roombing was a little different from how roombas were supposed to work, but- well. “Roombing?”
The roomba beeps at him. It isn’t the usual obviously happy or sad tone; instead something flat and lifeless, devoid of emotion.
“Roombing. Open the door, Roombing.”
The microwave beeps. When Shen Yuan turns to look at it, text slowly rolls across the digital display.
IM SORRY, SHIZUN. IM AFRAID I CANT DO THAT.