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Tony was never really one for mediation. “Zen” was never a word used to describe him. But right now, in moments like these, that’s how he felt. More at peace than he’d ever thought possible. With the usual companions of guilt, and the paranoia that he deserved none of this and could lose it at any moment.
“You know,” a quiet voice said from the open doorway. “When Pepper sent me upstairs with the words ‘he’s up there basking in his universe’ I was confused. But I get it now.”
Tony looked up from to see Steve leaning against the doorframe, arms folded. Tony offered him a faint smile but didn’t move. Because Pepper was right- ‘basking in his universe’ was exactly what he was doing. He was in what had become his favourite position in the world- lying in his bed with Morgan curled up asleep on his lap who was nose to nose with Peter, sleeping curled up against Tony’s other side with his head resting on Tony’s chest.
“If you’re visiting before nine am, the world must be in trouble,” Tony said through narrowed eyes. “Please tell me I’m wrong.”
Steve’s smile widened. “You’re wrong,” he said and Tony sighed in relief. “I just wanted to come check in with you before Pepper and I head to the compound.”
Tony nodded. For the past week, he and Pepper had been switching off between being at the compound to help with clean-up and being at home with the kids, so he’d only seen people briefly. Today was Tony’s day to stay home. And he didn’t plan on stirring from this spot for… well, until one of the kids woke up and demanded food.
Steve nodded faintly towards Peter. “How’s he doing?”
Tony’s gaze dropped to Peter, his eyes dimming slightly. “Depends on the moment,” he said honestly. “Today’s been a rough morning.”
Steve’s gaze was heavy, knowing as he nodded. “Pepper told me about his aunt, but she didn’t say…”
Tony nodded. “As best as we can figure,” he said softly, his eyes never leaving Peter. “She got hit by a cab right before she disappeared- probably the driver dusted and the car… you know. So, when everyone reappeared, with all the chaos…”
Happy had called early in the morning after the battle with the news- twelve minutes past five, specifically. The time was blazed into Tony’s memory. Happy had found May in the hospital, critically injured and according to the doctors, with little time remaining.
It was a small mercy that Tony and Pepper had been able to whisk the kids to the city quickly enough that Peter had been able to say goodbye. May had barely been conscious; but despite the combined force of Tony and Pepper, the doctors insisted that with their limited resources, the severity of May’s injuries and the sudden influx of patients as everyone reappeared, nothing more could be done for her.
Peter had been able to say goodbye to the only mother he clearly remembered, and Tony had solemnly promised her that he and Pepper would take care of Peter.
That had been only three weeks ago.
They’d buried May alongside Ben and Peter’s parents in Queens, and Pepper had taken care of bringing out the Parkers’s belongings from storage and managing all the paperwork required to give Peter a home with them.
“Tony could never bring himself to look at it,” she’d told Peter quietly as the truck full of their belongings had arrived at the cabin. “But when I knew both you and May were gone, I saved it all.”
“You- you knew we’d come back?” Peter frowned.
Pepper smiled sadly and shook her head, squeezing his arm. “No,” she said honestly. “But I knew that getting rid of everything, in Tony’s mind, would be like pretending you never existed. And he couldn’t deal with that.”
Peter had grieved his parents, his uncle, and now May. But the stories of how grief stricken and broken Tony had been after losing him never failed to overwhelm Peter.
The same idea had been applied to Peter’s room at the cabin- Tony had needed a space for Peter, but couldn’t bring himself to fill it with Peter’s things. The first time Tony had entered the room after Peter had unpacked enough things to truly make it his own, the look on his face had been enough to drive Peter to tears- although that wasn’t a difficult feat currently.
Ever since the morning Happy had called, Peter had been waking up at exactly twelve minutes past five every morning, as though he’d been struck by lightning. The first few days, he’d just sit in his room, or else creep downstairs to sit out on the porch until the rest of the house stirred.
But then the morning after the funeral, Tony had appeared in the doorway and gently, silently placed a hand on his shoulder and steered him into his and Pepper’s own bedroom, prodding the kid into the bed and wrapping his arms around him while Peter sobbed himself back to sleep.
Now it was routine that Peter would appear every morning. Some mornings he’d be crying, and some mornings he wouldn’t, but every morning he’d climb onto the bed beside Tony and let Tony soothe him back to sleep.
It hadn’t taken long before Morgan realised that there was a morning cuddle party that she was not privy to, and then she’d started joining them, until Tony found himself in this position every morning. This morning had been one where Peter had sobbed himself back to sleep, and there were still dried tear tracks on his cheeks.
“The worst part,” Tony said quietly. “Is that…”
“You’re happy?” Steve finished.
Tony looked up at him and nodded. “I hate that he lost May, that he’s lost everyone,” he said in a pained voice. “But he’s here, and I have him. It’s selfish, I know-”
“It’s not selfish, Tony,” Steve cut him off firmly. “You lost your kid, and you have him back. You’re allowed to be happy about that. I’m thrilled to have Bucky and Sam back, but it doesn’t take away the fact that we lost Natasha. Clint got back his wife and kids, but lost his best friend. Is that selfish?”
Tony was quiet for a long moment, just studying the peaceful features of both Peter and Morgan.
“Before Titan,” he said slowly. “I knew I loved him like my own kid. I’d spent the past year doing everything in my power to keep him safe, to protect him. The more time I spent with him, the more I loved him. And then I lost him, and all I could think was ‘why didn’t I ever tell him?’ Once Morgan was born, the first time I held her… it felt exactly the same, you know? I got the same feeling looking at her that I used to get with Peter when we’d be in the lab and he’d be rambling on about Star Wars or something. And now to have both of them here, together… it actually hurts.”
Tony swallowed hard. “Morgan was my second chance. Never dreamed I’d get a third.”
“You deserve it, Tony,” Steve said sincerely. “Peter’s going to be fine. He’s got you, Pepper and Morgan.”
Tony murmured unconvincingly.
Steve paused. “How’s Morgan liking being a little sister?”
Tony grinned. “Pretty sure she thinks she’s the big sister,” he replied wryly. “God, she bosses him around like there’s no tomorrow. But it’s like they’ve always known each other.”
He and Pepper had explained to Morgan as best they could that Peter was going to be very sad for a while, because he’d lost someone he loved very much. And Morgan always seemed to know when Peter was willing to play with her or not- without him needing to say anything. If he wasn’t, she’d just clamber onto his lap, curl up and order FRIDAY to play a movie.
And Peter clearly adored her, which thrilled Tony. Although Pepper wasn’t surprised in the least.
“He adores you, and Morgan is too much like you for him not to love her immediately,” she said when Tony mentioned something to her.
“Yeah, well… we’ll see how much that adoration holds up after a few weeks of her shadowing him everywhere,” was Tony’s only reply.
Time moved on as the world- and its people- slowly began to piece itself back together. Peter slowly began to heal too; as he found his bearings in a world that had moved on without him, and in a family that had unknowingly been waiting for him.
School resumed, but Peter wasn’t ready to think about going back to Midtown, even if Ned and MJ were still there. Tony and Pepper didn’t force him, and instead arranged for a private tutor to come to the cabin and work with Peter a few times a week. They were in discussions about moving back to the city for the convenience, but none of them could bear the idea of leaving the solitude of the cabin just yet.
The cabin was their peaceful bubble, which was why Tony and Pepper had built it in the first place. They didn’t ignore the outside world, but they didn’t seek it out either.
For the first Christmas since Peter had returned, Tony was torn between going all out, or keeping it simple. It was his first Christmas with both his kids, but Peter’s first Christmas without May. He didn’t want to overwhelm the kid even more than he already was. Thanksgiving had been one thing and it had gone smoothly, but Tony knew how much Peter and May had loved Christmas.
In the end, Peter made the decision for him. He and Morgan jumped onto his and Pepper’s bed at six-thirty in the morning on December first and jolted them both awake, both rugged up in preparation to go outside.
Tony squinted at them blearily. “Is the heat not working?”
Morgan left Peter’s lap, crawling across the bed so that she was nose to nose with Tony, clasping her gloved hands on either side of his face.
“Daddy,” she said solemnly. “We need to go get a Christmas tree.”
Tony blinked at her, and then over at Pepper. “A Christmas tree?” he repeated. “Morguna, Christmas is-”
“Only twenty-four days away,” Peter cut in. “Right, Morgs?”
Morgan nodded enthusiastically. “We counted on the calendar,” she said proudly.
“Did you now?” Pepper said amusedly.
Tony looked at her, Morgan and then Peter. Then he shrugged. “Alright,” he agreed. “Let’s get a Christmas tree.”
“After breakfast,” Pepper added hastily as Morgan squealed excitedly and practically cartwheeled off the bed, almost kicking Tony in the face and probably almost diving headfirst to the floor if Peter hadn’t caught her.
“Mommy!” Morgan protested, squirming out of Peter’s grasp as Pepper got out of bed.
“Hey, it takes time to find the perfect tree,” Pepper reminded her. “You need energy.”
That placated Morgan, although Tony scoffed as he tossed back the covers to get out of bed himself. “Please. Like she needs more energy.”
Peter chuckled and made to follow Morgan and Pepper from the room, but Tony caught his arm gently as something occurred to him.
“Hey,” he said. “It’s six-thirty.”
Peter smiled faintly and nodded. “Yeah,” he agreed. “Morgan woke me up at six.”
Tony pulled him into a hug, which Peter returned willingly for the first minute and then started fidgeting. “Um, Tony?”
“Nope,” Tony returned immediately, refusing to release him. “I have become accustomed to a certain lifestyle in the past six weeks and you’ve now ruined that. I’ve been gypped.”
He felt Peter smile against his shoulder. “Sorry.”
“This is just like when Morgan started sleeping through the night,” Tony complained. “Can’t either of you give a guy some warning? Let me mentally prepare myself?”
Peter stifled a laugh, and Tony sighed, finally dropping the hug. “Fine. Let’s get you fed, Underoos.”
It took Peter and Morgan an hour and a half to decide on the “perfect” tree, and another forty-five minutes before it was set up in the “right” spot in the house, even though it was in the same spot it had been in for every year of Morgan’s life. Pepper brought down the box of Christmas decorations from the attic and put on a playlist of Christmas music before making hot chocolate for them all. Tony frowned at the box of decorations and then grabbed his and Peter’s coats.
“Back in a second, hon,” he called out to Pepper, grabbing Peter by the arm.
“Ok,” she replied distantly, more focused on negotiations with Morgan about how many marshmallows she was allowed to have in her hot chocolate.
“What are we doing?” Peter asked, hurrying after Tony.
Tony didn’t answer but trotted through the snow-covered lawn to the shed behind the garage where they were storing everything from the Parkers’s apartment- aside from the things that were now in Peter’s bedroom.
Tony had a distinct memory of seeing a particular box when they’d moved everything from the storage unit into the shed, so once he opened the door, it didn’t take him long to find the box marked Christmas Stuff, while Peter hovered uncertainly in the doorway. He held it out to Peter with a questioning eyebrow.
“What do you think, bud?”
Peter hesitated and then smiled slowly and nodded. When Tony was in arms reach, he reached out and hugged him.
“You’re the best,” he murmured faintly.
Tony swiftly kissed his temple. “Duh,” he replied around the lump in his throat.
Peter chuckled and they returned to the house to decorate the tree.
The next morning, Tony awoke once again to find Peter and Morgan crawling onto the bed, except that this time they were both still in their pjs. Morgan wriggled herself under the blankets, spreading herself like a starfish across Tony’s torso with her favourite stuffed bear under one arm, while Peter curled up as he usually did on Tony’s other side. Tony twisted his neck to look at the clock, seeing it was a little after seven o’clock.
“I’d hate to gyp you of the lifestyle to which you’ve become accustomed,” Peter explained, making himself comfortable.
Tony grinned, exchanging a fond smile with Pepper as he wrapped an arm around each kid, and kissed the crown of Peter’s head.
“How considerate of you, Underoos,” he said lightly, but his voice still came out more choked than he would have liked.
“Daddy?” Morgan asked, lifting her head to look at Tony. “Why do you call Peter that?”
Tony snorted with laughter, while Peter groaned faintly. “Before I met your brother, he used to like to wear this really bad red and blue onesie,” he informed her. “That’s why.”
Morgan frowned at him, a frown that was so Pepper Tony could only marvel.
“You know what, forget it,” he told her. “It was cutting edge humour that you’re just too young to appreciate, and now it’s a thing.”
“It really wasn’t,” Peter muttered audibly.
Tony nudged him in the ribs. “Hush, you.”
December always passed too quickly, and before they knew it, it was Christmas Eve. Pepper had asked Peter if he had any Parker Christmas traditions he’d like them to do, which made Peter tear up and made Tony fall in love with Pepper a little bit more.
Peter tentatively revealed that he, May and Ben had always watched The Muppets’ Christmas Carol in their pyjamas on Christmas Eve, which Pepper declared was a great idea. So that’s what they did after dinner, before Morgan started to prepare for bed. And Peter took more delight than Tony would’ve thought in helping Morgan leave out food for Santa and the reindeer - carrots for the reindeer, Oreos and non-alcoholic cider for Santa.
“I thought it was milk and cookies,” Peter commented, as Morgan fussed with the sign she’d made to go next to the plate.
“Santa’s decided cider is more festive,” Tony said, looking at Peter significantly over Morgan’s head.
Peter grinned.
“Alright, Miss Morgan,” Pepper announced finally. “It’s bedtime. Say goodnight to Daddy and Pete.”
Morgan pouted. “But, Mommy-”
“Nope,” Pepper cut her off. “You know Santa won’t come unless you’re sleeping.”
Morgan’s pout deepened, but she obediently reached up to throw her arms around Tony’s neck.
“Goodnight, Daddy. Love you three thousand.”
“Night, Morguna,” Tony replied, kissing her cheek. “Sweet dreams.”
Then Morgan turned to Peter, squeezing him too. “Love you a gazillion,” she whispered and Tony had to suddenly blink back tears.
It had taken Peter only days to catch on to Morgan’s number game, but he’d never outranked Tony before.
“Um, excuse me,” Tony interjected, pretending to be affronted. “Why does Peter rank higher than me? I gave you life, what’s Peter ever given you?”
Morgan looked back at him innocently, although there was an impish grin tugging at her mouth.
“Juice pops,” she said simply.
Tony rolled his eyes, looking at Peter with a raised eyebrow. Peter tried his best to look innocent as he met Tony’s gaze.
“Juice pops,” Tony repeated. “Of course.”
Pepper whisked Morgan upstairs and Tony shook his head faintly, slinging an arm around Peter’s shoulders and tugging him closer.
“How you doing, bud?” he asked him quietly.
Peter always considered that question thoughtfully, his brow creasing as though he was measuring against some criteria to evaluate his emotional state of being in that moment. Tony found it rather adorable, and he’d much prefer this over just Peter shrugging his shoulders and claiming he was fine- even if he wasn’t. So Tony sat and patiently waited for Peter’s response.
“I’m okay,” Peter finally replied. “I miss May.”
“I know, kid,” Tony said softly.
“But Christmas… it’s like the one thing that feels normal, you know?”
Tony did know, surprisingly. “Cap says Christmas is his favourite time of year,” he said. “Because as much as the world changes, Christmas really doesn’t.”
Steve had idly mentioned it the first Christmas the Avengers had celebrated together, and Tony had forgotten all about it until that first Christmas where half the world was gone.
Even in the worst of times, Christmas happened.
They ended up finding some documentary on TV about Christmas throughout the years, as though to prove Tony’s point. They’d flicked over the channel as the narrator was talking about the Christmas truce on the Western front in 1914, and it had seemed like the appropriate- if not the most obvious- thing to watch on Christmas Eve.
The documentary ended by touching on that first Christmas after the Snap, and it was some of the first footage Peter had seen of that time. Tony had tried to steer him away from all of that.
“What did you do that Christmas?” Peter asked them suddenly.
Tony paused. It had been seven months after they’d lost to Thanos, and Tony and Pepper had still been in the city then. They’d married quietly in September, but otherwise Tony had still been deeply grieving, ignoring even Rhodey and Happy’s attempts to reach out. Tony hadn’t been in the mood to celebrate at all, until Pepper had told him- on this very night in fact- that she was pregnant with Morgan. She’d dragged him out to walk through the streets of Manhattan, and after watching the crowds (smaller than usual, but still crowds) walking through Times Square, skating at Rockefeller Centre and admiring Macy’s windows as they did every year, Tony had made two decisions.
One, that he wanted his child to know what a happy Christmas was. Two, they would leave the city.
“Not much,” he admitted, exchanging a look with Pepper. “I wasn’t really in the mood. But that’s when Pepper told me she was pregnant with Morgan.”
Peter’s lips curved into a faint smile, much to Tony’s surprise. “Huh. That’s really cool,” he murmured.
When the documentary was finished, Pepper ordered Peter to bed.
“Morgan’s going to be up at the crack of dawn,” she warned him. “You’ll need all the sleep you can get.”
Peter didn’t argue.
“Tony, you need to put together the doll house,” Pepper reminded Tony.
Tony, who had been rather looking forward to crawling into bed himself, groaned faintly. He’d hidden the box in the garage; although quite frankly, Tony was surprised Morgan hadn’t already found it while “exploring” the garage.
“I don’t suppose Morgan’s still in that stage where she’s more interested in the box and paper than the actual present?” he asked her hopefully.
Pepper looked at him pointedly, and he sighed. “Yeah, I didn’t think so.”
“If you don’t do it now, you’ll have to do it tomorrow morning after she unwraps the box,” Pepper pointed out. “Which you said you didn’t want to do.”
Tony sighed, getting to his feet. “Just once, could you not remember everything I say?” he asked her.
Peter laughed slightly. “You know, that’s how I found out Santa wasn’t real,” he said. “I was like six, and Ben was trying to put together the bike they got me. He was swearing so much it woke me up.”
Tony smiled at him softly. Peter’s eyes were soft with sadness, but he was smiling.
“When I choose to shatter Morgan’s belief that a random fat man comes down the chimney to leave gifts once a year, I’ll do it in a much more badass way,” he promised Peter.
Peter choked back a laugh as Pepper rolled her eyes at him.
“Head to bed, Peter,” she told him.
Peter nodded and hugged Pepper goodnight before turning to Tony, wrapping his arms around Tony’s middle as he buried his face against his neck.
“Merry Christmas, Dad,” he murmured.
Tony’s heart skipped a beat, and tears sprung to his eyes as he tightened his grip on Peter. “I love you, Underoos,” he choked out hoarsely.
Peter had called him ‘Dad’ before, but only in casual conversation with Morgan- “let’s go ask Dad”, “what’s Dad doing?” etc. This was a definitive, purposeful choice of words.
“Love you too,” Peter replied.
Pepper was beaming at them behind Peter’s back, her eyes filled with tears.
When Peter disappeared upstairs, Pepper ran her hand down Tony’s cheek lovingly and then left the room while Tony forced his limbs to work as he pulled his coat and shoes on over his pyjamas and braved the cold for the garage to assemble Morgan’s dollhouse. His heart was still pounding and his hands shook more than he wanted to admit- and not from the cold.
His phone rang as he sat on the floor surrounded by dollhouse pieces, lighting up with Rhodey’s profile picture.
“Hey,” he greeted him gruffly.
“Hey,” Rhodey replied. “Just wanted to confirm plans for tomorrow. Is it still ok if we come for dinner?”
Tony rubbed a hand over his eyes, trying to get his brain working. “Yeah,” he said shakily. “I mean, I think so. I think Pete’s ok, but if tomorrow morning goes bad, I’ll let you know.”
Rhodey and Happy had been staples at the Stark Christmas dinner since Morgan had been born, but Tony had mentioned to Rhodey that he was unsure how Peter would go at Christmas.
Rhodey paused. “Are you alright, Tones?” he asked.
Tony chuckled, rubbing his eyes again. “Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.”
He paused, and then dropped his voice, despite the fact no one was around to hear except FRIDAY and the bots.
“Peter called me ‘Dad’ tonight,” he confessed.
“Oh,” Rhodey said knowingly, and Tony could hear the grin breaking over his face. “Peter called you ‘Dad’,” he repeated and something about his tone gave Tony pause.
“Where are you right now?” he asked suspiciously.
“I am in Brooklyn,” Rhodey replied promptly. “Having Christmas Eve drinks with Bruce, Cap, Sam and Bucky.”
Rhodey didn’t need to specify that they were all in the room right now, and now, all aware that Peter had called Tony ‘Dad’ and reduced him to an emotional wreck.
“So, are we talking more or less tears than when Morgan called you ‘Dad’ for the first time?” Rhodey asked casually.
Tony rolled his eyes. “You’re hilarious, Rhodes.”
“Ah, more,” Rhodey said with a laugh. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell Morgan.”
Tony rolled his eyes again, not bothering to elaborate that the two were very different experiences. For Morgan, it was instinctive. He was her dad, that was all she’d ever known. They shared genetic material. But Peter, who had already lost his own father and his uncle, Tony had earned that title. And that meant the world to him, especially considering that when he’d lost Peter five years ago, he’d still been “Mr Stark” and there were moments he still couldn’t believe he had the kid back.
“Well, while you’re sitting there having drinks, I’m sitting in the garage putting together a dollhouse that feels way more complicated to assemble than it should be, while Pepper eats Santa’s cookies and feeds Gerald carrots Morgan thinks are for the reindeer. Then hopefully, we’ll get a few hours sleep before Morgan wakes everyone up at the crack of dawn screeching for presents and then probably ropes poor Pete into playing dolls with her.”
“So, you’re having the time of your life,” Rhodey said knowingly.
“Absolutely,” Tony confirmed.
Rhodey chuckled. “Alright. Well, let us know if Pete isn’t up for company. And take a million photos of your kids playing dolls together.”
“Oh, I will,” Tony promised and said goodbye.
He finished the dollhouse, managed to get it into the house and under the tree with the other presents without dropping it or injuring his back; and then locked up the house for the night before heading upstairs. The last thing he expected when entering his bedroom was to find Pepper in bed with both Peter and Morgan, who were both most definitely not asleep.
“Was I not invited to the sleepover?” he asked. “That’s a bit rude.”
Morgan looked to him with wide eyes. “Daddy, I thought I heard reindeer!” she said in a stage whisper.
“Did you now?” Tony asked knowingly.
That explained why Morgan was there, but not Peter- who now Tony looked at him closely, looked a little upset. He shot a worried glance to his wife, who ran a hand over Peter’s head gently.
“Morgan also suddenly realised that Santa may not know Peter was here. She was worried that he wouldn’t have any presents for him in his bag.”
Tony’s heart melted. “Right,” he said, sitting on the edge of the bed and leaning down to kiss Peter’s forehead, cupping the kid’s face in his hands. “Well, Morguna, did Mommy tell you that she made especially sure Santa knows that Peter is a very important part of our family and this is where all his gifts go?”
Morgan nodded earnestly and Peter smiled shakily.
“Alright, let me in,” Tony said abruptly.
He climbed into the bed, adjusting everyone until they had all resumed their usual positions.
“We need a bigger bed,” he noted to Pepper.
She laughed softly but didn’t disagree.
Morgan looked at him innocently. “With room for a puppy?” she asked.
Tony groaned. “No.”
“I always wanted a puppy,” Peter said quietly, and Tony nudged him.
“Stop gunning for more numbers,” he muttered. “You’re already at a gazillion.”
Peter chuckled faintly.
Tony kissed his head, Morgan’s and then Pepper before he turned off the light. “Everyone go to sleep, or I’ll sell all your toys.”
Morgan giggled. “You always say that,” she said.
Tony hushed her.
He listened as first Morgan, then Peter, and finally Pepper fell asleep, all their breaths evening out and soothing him more than any white noise or rain machine could possibly do.
There was a very real chance that Christmas Eve would become Tony’s favourite day of the year, he mused. But in the meantime, he lay there in the darkness, basking in his universe.