Work Text:
word count: 1.1K
please play ‘idea 22’ as you read this
The clock reads 5:08 AM.
Pleasured whines, tired breaths, and the hard slaps of sweaty skin diminish as the three run out of energy.
Jungkook flops onto the sheets, his warm body up against Jisa and Yansoo on the other side. A small smile tugs on his face, and he kisses Jisa’s shoulder, while she turns her head towards Yansoo to complain about the pain in her body. Jungkook mumbles something in response, reaching up to rub her arm, but the two are so focused on each other that his voice fades into the dark room.
At first, he doesn’t mind. But when Yansoo kisses her nose, and they begin to cuddle, Jungkook feels an ache in his chest as he’s forgotten. He’s not used to the lack of aftercare. He thinks about speaking but remembers what happened a few seconds ago and keeps his lips sealed.
Jungkook turns onto his back as Hoseok kisses his shoulder, one after the other, whispering soft praises. He covers Jungkook with the warm duvets and pulls him close, mumbling a “Happy birthday” as the younger slips into dreamland.
A few minutes pass and the two are asleep, tangled together with Jungkook on the side, third-wheeling. The fan above the bed hums and, in the stillness of the room, feels louder than it really is. Chills run up and down his bare legs and arms, and he can’t take it anymore.
He quietly gets out of bed and searches for his own discarded clothes on the dark floor among the other pairs. Outside, the sky is a dull blue and barely sneaks past the mesh curtains. He cleans himself up in the bathroom with a wet towel before seeing his reflection in the mirror. His lips are bitten red as two dark bags stick out below his gloomy eyes, and he thinks he understands why he’s unwanted.
But he shakes it off, dressing up and sneaking to the front door with his jacket. He won’t waste time trying to wake up the pair and let them know. They won’t care, and neither does he. They’re just a poor attempt to fill the empty hole in his heart.
The instant he steps outside the apartment, he knows exactly where he wants to go.
He lets out a little shiver, hunching his shoulders up and burying his nose against his clavicle. The cold wind whooshes in his face, but he can’t do anything against it and lets his sensitive skin take the brunt of it. He walks briskly, and his body begins to warm up, no longer shivering by the time he reaches the cemetery entrance.
But the cold returns even stronger as he reaches the marked grave.
Jung Hoseok
February 18th, 1994 — September 2nd, 2023
Son, Brother, and Friend
With shaky legs, he falls to his knees, fisting his hands on his thighs as his eyes begin to burn.
He looks up at the cloudy sky for a moment with a strained throat, blinking at the thick clouds. Sniffling, he wants to scream and shout until his vocal cords burst, but he clenches his jaw, controlling himself as an anguished whimper escapes instead.
He won’t shout up at his love.
His love, who pulled him out of an eternal darkness.
His love, who healed his broken heart and taught him how to love again.
His love, who didn't care that he was bigger and treated him like a petal.
His love, who cradled him to sleep and helped him overcome insomnia.
His love, who abandoned a hateful family to start a new one.
His love, who—who is gone.
Jungkook’s teary orbs carve patterns on the gravestone that circled his dreams every night for more than two weeks. The sheets had stopped smelling like him at some point, and Jungkook thinks that's when he truly lost his sanity. He’s glad the insomnia returned shortly after. He doesn’t think he could have handled any more.
But these days, his brain is busy running now grueling memories and questions that will never be answered.
Why—why did Hoseok have to leave him so quickly? Jungkook only got to spend three years with him. It wasn’t enough. No amount of time would have ever been enough.
Memories rewind in his head like a broken filmstrip, and he leans down to rest his forehead on the dirt as a wave of sobs overtakes him. He remembers Hoseok’s sunny laugh, his witty jokes, his inviting dinners, his velvet voice, and his crinkled eyes. He remembers the loving dinner dates, the chaotic movie nights, and the lively car rides with blasting music that left the car trembling.
But then, he begins to recall the night of his 26th birthday, and the pain increases tenfold. His fingers clutch at the surrounding grass as another strained whimper leaves his lips, a vein in his neck bulging.
When he’s finally asleep, belly full of his favorite cake, Hoseok rubs his back and puts on his coat, leaving under the navy skies. He walks outside and down the steps towards the main street, and looks both ways before crossing.
He smiles as he thinks about getting the golden ring he bought to propose to Jungkook when he wakes up, sitting at home in his drawer. But in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver blows past a stop sign, and the last thing Hoseok sees is two bright headlights coming at him as he freezes like a deer.
Jungkook won’t forget jolting awake to the sound of screeching tires and Hoseok’s body colliding with the vehicle through his thin walls. It has haunted him for weeks. He also won’t forget running outside in nothing but a robe as a scream of horror filled his neighborhood.
He still doesn’t understand why Hoseok left so early that morning.
5AM was once his favorite part of the day, because he’d wake up next to Hoseok, and they’d spend a few hours together until he went home to get ready for work. They would make toast, eat junky cereal, or play video games and struggle to keep quiet.
Now, 5AM is the time Jungkook loses himself in utter silence.
With his head down, he turns his cheek until it’s pressed against the dirt, and looks up into the navy blue sky. Ahead of him and behind the gravestone, the sun begins to rise, and a faint layer of orange sneaks to blend with the blue.
Tears stream down his tired face and soak into the dirt as the clouds above part and show nothing but dozens of stars and an endless heaven.
And somehow, he can feel Hoseok’s warm hands on his cheeks, and in the back of his head, a familiar velvet voice whispering, I love you.
────
༺ FOR EVERMORE ༻
a little less than a week ago, i had a hopekook dream with this scenario (kook crying on a grave idkw???). so, i wrote this in about 2 hours and thought i’d share my pain with you all lol
but i did try to make it a little happier ig?? bittersweet ending i would say
fyi, that flashback is hoseok’s p.o.v and no, jungkook never gets to find out that hoseok was going home to get the proposal ring