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Kuroo isn’t entirely sure where his relationship where Shouyou went wrong.
Was it the sex?
Communication?
His lack of helping his boyfriend with his rather…depressing tendencies?
Honestly, where did he go wrong?
He loved Shouyou, no one could say that he didn’t. Loved him when he got into that crazy studying mode, where Kuroo could only offer him cheek kisses and maybe a mug of tea (or reminding Shouyou that his hands were shaking, why does he just take a five minute break)
It was natural to love Shouyou, just like it was natural for Kuroo to breathe. Shouyou was his everything.
Maybe that’s where they went wrong.
“Bad day?” Kuroo padded out onto their balcony, wrapping his arms around Shouyou’s waist and tugging him back against his chest. His boyfriend just hummed in response, the quiet lingering around them as Shouyou blew out another breath of smoke.
“Stressful.” A short laugh, “I sound so old, don’t I?” Kuroo knew something was wrong, and hugged Shouyou tighter against his chest, fighting the urge to dip down and kiss those cigarette flavored lips. To drag his hands up Shouyou’s body and make him forget what was troubling him. Kuroo wanted to ease the tension he could feel in Shouyou’s body, to hear gasps of pleasure instead of groans of frustration.
Instead of acting on any of those things, Kuroo just took a deep breath. Now was not the time.
(there never seemed to be a ‘time’ for them anymore.)
“Just wiser maybe. You’re still young. Just…hardworking.” He spoke the words slowly, forming his mouth around the syllables with care to make sure that said words wouldn’t cause Shouyou any discomfort. Anger, annoyance.
The work Kuroo went through to keep Shouyou happy.
It paid off in the form of Shouyou’s laughter and while it wasn’t the normal bright and careless laughter Kuroo was used to—when was the last time he had heard it?—any laughter from Shouyou was a job well done.
(what was happening to his sunshine boy?)
“I’m 22, and I feel like I have the mind of an old man…I think I failed my last bio test.” Kuroo wanted to kiss away the pain, god how he just wanted to hold Shouyou and never let him go.
“You’re 22 and working towards a physical therapy degree. In fact, you got your credit count waved for two whole semesters because you take on so many classes.” Why did his boyfriend not understand how amazing he was? “Shou, you’re one of the hardest workers I know.”
This time Kuroo was rewarded for his kind efforts in the form of Shouyou’s soft lips brushing against his cheek. Kuroo fought the blush that threatened to rise, “Thanks,” Shouyou mumbled against his skin, the comforting scent of his cigarettes surrounding him, “I needed that.”
A snort came from his nose and Kuroo only hugged his boyfriend tighter, silently wishing that nothing else would upset Shouyou for the week. “Anytime babe.”
Kuroo was in the kitchen when he heard a loud thud sound from Shouyou’s bedroom—from their bedroom. A frown on his face and a hand already running through his hair, Kuroo made his way to the room, poking his head in through the door. “What the fuck was that,” he asked, displeasure evident on his face as he looked from Shouyou’s face to the book on the floor across the room.
“My textbook. I got annoyed with it.”
Bending down to retrieve the abused textbook, Kuroo held it in his hands for a brief moment before sighing, “So you thought throwing it against the wall and possibly denting the wall was a good idea?” Eyes narrowed ever so slightly, Kuroo placed the book next to his boyfriend, hoping that he didn’t pick it up and throw the damn thing again.
“Yeah, actually,” Kuroo wanted to slam his head against the wall. Why was his boyfriend so thick-headed? “It still seems like a good idea.”
Except Kuroo was sure that it wasn’t a good idea. A good idea would be talking about it. That would be a good idea.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked slowly, knowing full well what the answer would be.
“No.”
How surprising.
“Want some water?”
Want me to lie next to you?
“No.”
“Do you want me in here?”
Let me make you feel better, Shouyou.
The hesitation made Kuroo’s heart lift a bit, and he took a step forward before Shouyou even replied.
“You can be,” Kuroo fought the smile on his face, “but if you are I’m leaving.”
His step paused mid-movement and Kuroo had to close his eyes and just breathe for a moment, hearing Shouyou rush out of the room, mumbling that he would return as he passed.
He loved Shouyou, this was true.
Did Shouyou still love him?
He didn’t know.
“I missed you,” Kuroo whispered against Shouyou’s neck before his teeth sunk into the smooth, soft flesh. His hands wandered up and down Shouyou’s body, his body still knowing each and every spot that would make Shouyou’s breath hitch, every spot that would make his back bow. “I missed you do much.” He pressed soft kisses along the curve of his neck, swooping down to pepper kisses along his collarbone.
“I’m sorry,” was the whispered reply. Barely there. Almost lost in the softness of the night air around them.
Kuroo’s movements paused for a moment, his dark gaze sweeping along Shouyou’s body. With shaking hands, he lowered himself to press a single kiss to the center of Shouyou’s stomach.
“My sunshine boy,” he breathed the words, too scared to let them echo around the room. A part of him hoped that Shouyou wouldn’t hear him, “I missed you.” His lips brushed against Shouyou’s stomach as he spoke, and without really realizing it, he let his grip tighten on thin hips.
(when did Shouyou get so small?)
“I’m so sorry.” Kuroo closes his eyes against the sound, “Kuroo, I’m so sorry.” Kuroo said nothing about the sobs that shook Shouyou’s body under him, and in return he was pretty sure Shouyou didn’t say anything about the silent tears that fell from Kuroo’s eyes.
They weren’t right, Kuroo knew that.
Where did they go wrong?
Who fucked it up?
“I love you,” he says against Shouyou’s lips, his thumb brushing across his cheek.
They were so wrong.
He still loved Shouyou.
“I know.” Shouyou says back.
Kuroo just smiles at him, ducking down to press his lips against Shouyou’s, losing himself in the way his boyfriend licked into his mouth.
He wasn’t sure who was losing it, Shouyou or himself?
Instead of focusing on the silent shattering of his heart, Kuroo pressed his body against Shouyou’s, concentrating on the soft gasps and quiet begging.
He would be okay for now.
They would be okay for now.
There were days that Kuroo asked himself why he stayed with Shouyou. He was fickle most days, and on worse days Kuroo wanted nothing more than to walk out the door and never come back. Shouyou hadn’t told him that he loved him in a good year, something that constantly chipped at Kuroo’s heart.
Where the fuck did they go wrong?
He stayed, in the end. He knew that Shouyou loved him. He knew that he loved Shouyou. They had been together forever. This was just…their bump in the road.
Yeah.
That was it.
They could get through this. They could come out on top.
He would stick around because he loved Shouyou. He loved him so much, he would do anything for him.
He would fix their relationship. He would help Shouyou in any way that he could.
No matter what.
Kuroo is reading in the living room when he hears Shouyou scream, followed by a loud thud against the wall. A sigh passes through his lips before Kuroo gets up and hurries over to Shouyou’s room—now more of Shouyou’s room than their room—throwing open the door to find his boyfriend, his sweet loving boyfriend, crying while throwing his textbooks at the wall.
“Shouyou,” he calls out, taking careful steps towards the ginger boy.
As if he’s dangerous.
(he is.)
“Shouyou. Shouyou, come on.” He tries again, climbing up on the bed but Shouyou is on his way to picking up yet another textbook.
“Shouyou, what the fucking hell are you doing?” grabbing at his wrists, Kuroo pulls the ginger boy forward. Amber eyes stare into his own dark brown before Shouyou tugs at his wrists. Kuroo lets go, adverting his gaze with a frown.
“I need to smoke.” Shouyou announces. Kuroo wants to stop him, but something makes him freeze. He waits until the boy is gone—the sound of the balcony door shutting—before getting off the bed and picking up the fallen textbooks.
Where did he go wrong?
How does he fix this?
Could he fix this?
He knew something was wrong weeks ago.
It was his own fault that he didn’t do anything about it.
A pinched look crossed Kuroo’s face, his nails digging into the palm of his hand.
Why was everything going so wrong?
“Shouyou.” The ginger didn’t answer him, amber eyes trained on the book in front of him, “Shou, what happened?”
Shouyou shrugged, not breaking his gaze with the stupid book in his hands. Kuroo wanted to chuck it across the room and scream.
He wanted to hurt something.
God dammit, Shouyou.
“I told you. Nothing happened.” Kuroo frowned deeper. He called bullshit on that, “My muscles are tense from not moving around too much. Besides, you scared me.”
“Shouyou,” he tried, god he tried, to keep the anger out of his voice but it was so difficult. Especially when he knew that Shouyou was hiding something from him, “look at me.”
Shouyou doesn’t turn his head.
Kuroo is honestly about to scream. Instead of doing so, he grips Shouyou’s thigh, eyes narrowing as a jolt passes through the boy sitting next to him.
“Kuroo—”
“Show me your legs.” His grip tightened around Shouyou’s thigh before he removed the offending hand. He needed to be calm about this, he needed to show Shouyou that he loved him, that he cared.
“I told you I was fine—”
Kuroo grumbled under his breath, “Shouyou show me your legs,” he was firmer this time, prepared to have to unbutton the ginger’s pants for him. He was and fucking tired of this shit. He couldn’t do it.
He just…couldn’t.
“Why don’t you listen to me?” too high, too fake, too not Shouyou for Kuroo to believe a word that was coming out of his mouth.
Bullshit. Total bullshit.
“If you would just show me that you’re okay—” He must have been too forward, too harsh, too loud, because Shouyou flinched away from him, his hands balled up into fists.
“Just leave me alone!” the boy cried out. Kuroo halted mid-sentence, “Please.” Shouyou finished. Kuroo sighed and let his body sag back into the couch, a hand running through his hair.
“Sorry,” he murmured, getting up off the couch. He left for the kitchen, preparing his shaken boyfriend a mug of tea in hopes that it would calm him down. As he let it seep, he quickly padded into the bedroom to snag one of Shouyou’s favorite blankets. When he came back, he draped the blanket across his shoulders and put the mug of tea down on the coffee table. “I’m going to go out for a bit.”
“Should I wait up fo—”
“No.” Kuroo cut him off, shaking his head with a small smile. Standing back up, Kuroo reached forward to ruffle Shouyou’s hair, but thought better of it in the end, slipping on his shoes in the foyer before heading out into the night air.
“I don’t know what to do,” His head is cradled in his hands, his voice muffled by the palms of his hands, “I don’t know how to help him…how to help us.”
There is silence for a while and then a heavy weight against his side, “I’m sorry.” A soft voice speaks up, and Kuroo raises his head to see his best friend curled up against him, “I hate that you’re sad.”
Kuroo smiles and wraps an arm around Kenma’s middle, pulling him closer, “Thanks,” he mutters, tilting his head up and sighing, “I’m just at a loss on how to make things better.”
“Talk things out, when you’re both being level headed,” Kenma offers in his usual soft-toned voice, “go see a therapist together?” a beat of silence, “…I honestly have no idea how to help.”
Kuroo kisses the top of Kenma’s head, shaking his head a little, “Thank you for listening to me bitch anyways. You’re the best friend ever.”
“Whatever.”
Kuroo crawls into bed one night, long after Shouyou had fallen asleep. The movement of the bed causes his boyfriend to shift around, and Kuroo pauses for a moment before slipping under the covers.
There is silence for a while before Kuroo breaks it with a soft sigh. “I love you,” he tells the ceiling—tells the sleeping Shouyou, “I love you, Shouyou. I wish you would trust me more.” Kuroo rubs a hand down his face, “Talk to me, tell me what’s on your mind.”
Glancing over at the unmoving body next to him, Kuroo rolls over and gently presses his forehead against the back of Shouyou’s head, “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me.” He whispers, “I miss my sunshine boy.”
He falls silent after that, letting his eyes slip shut and taking in the quiet moments—so rare and peaceful—with Shouyou.
He’s in the middle of studying for a major test when Shouyou decides to talk to him.
“Kuroo?” his voice is soft, sugary and warm. Kuroo puts a finger on the last word he had read before turning to look at the precious boy next to him.
“Yeah?”
“Can I show you something?” The words send Kuroo’s heart into a frenzy. What could a be? A passing grade? A failing grade? So many things could be going on, Kuroo isn’t sure what to think—what to prepare for.
“Sure,” he says calmly, the grip on his study material the only sign of his nerves, “what’s up babe?”
There are a few seconds of silence between them before Shouyou looks in the other direction, a flush on his cheeks. Kuroo isn’t sure if it’s shyness or nerves, “You can’t look,” the boy blurts out.
Kuroo holds back a smile when amber eyes—wide and nervous—stare at him again.
“Okay,” he says as a reply.
With shaking hands, Shouyou wraps his fingers around one of Kuroo’s wrists and tugs it under the covers, pressing it against the skin of his thigh.
Kuroo is confused at first, running his fingers along the smooth skin before he travels down into Shouyou’s inner thigh.
He pauses and looks up at his boyfriend, lips parted in perpartion to say something.
His fingers run along the puckered scars, some small and thin, while others are long and fat.
“Shouyou…” Kuroo whispers, horror coloring his voice.
Shouyou only laughs at him, his hands gripping the sheets tightly, blinking back tears, “I know right? I’m all kinds of fucked up, aren’t I?”
Shaking his head, Kuroo doesn’t reply. Instead he closes his study notebook and uses his free hand to cup Shouyou’s face, kissing him softly.
They ignore the tears between their lips, it was better off that way.
Fingers tighten in his hair as gasps sound around the room, “Stop,” Shouyou whines. Kuroo only hums against his skin, letting his thumbs run circles on the indents of Shouyou’s hips, “Stop, I don’t need you to do this.”
“You do,” Kuroo says, traveling kisses down until he reaches Shouyou’s thighs, “You need it.”
He feels Shouyou’s legs twitch as he places gentle kisses on each scar running along the boy’s inner thighs, feels the slightly uncomfortable grasp on his hair. But he doesn’t care. Shouyou needs this. He deserves this. Each kiss to show him how much Kuroo loves him.
Because maybe saying it wasn’t enough.
“Kuroo,” Shouyou gasps out, yanking on his hair in such a way that makes him wince mid-kiss, “stop, stop, please stop.”
He’s shaking under Kuroo’s gentle grip, breath ragged and uneven. Glancing up, Kuroo finds Shouyou’s cheeks red and wet with tears, lips swollen, chest heaving.
“You did good baby,” he says against Shouyou’s flushed cheeks, “I’m proud of you.”
Why did everything go so wrong?
Why did he have to open his mouth?
Why was everything ruined?
“Leave me alone,” the words aren’t yelled, and Kuroo finds that more terrifying. He’s trying to help, if Shouyou would only listen. He just wants to help.
“Shouyou will you please listen to him?” He’s begging, he hates it, but at this point he will do anything to make the angry ginger boy listen to him. “All I want—”
“If for me to see a doctor,” Shouyou finishes Kuroo statement with a growl. Kuroo watches with worried eyes as Shouyou digs out a cigarette, on the verge of saying something when the boy lights it.
“Like something is wrong with me.” There is.
“Like I need help.” You do, “I don’t need help.”
Liar.
“I don’t need help, Kuroo, and I sure as hell don’t need you meddling into my damn life!”
Kuroo blinks once. Then twice, looking at Shouyou with a mix of pain and shock.
He was only trying to help. Shouyou knew as well as he did that there was something wrong. With him, with them. With everything.
Obviously Shouyou doesn’t want his help. He no longer knows what to do, “Okay.” He says, nodding a few times, “I understand.”
He leaves Shouyou alone. To give him space, he tells himself. But really, who is the space for?
Him? Or Shouyou?
He’s not quite sure anymore.
The days pass slowly at Kenma’s apartment, but between the small cats his best friend had recently brought into his house, and cuddling with said best friend, Kuroo finds the weeks pass quickly.
As long as he ignores the hole in his heart.
He misses Shouyou.
He fucked it up.
Space, they needed space.
Kuroo could do that.
Three months is a long time to go without talking to Shouyou. No calls, no texts. Not even angry banging on Kenma’s door early in the morning. Kuroo doesn’t know what to think. Maybe Shouyou moved on.
Maybe he wasn’t ready.
What would ready feel like?
He didn’t know.
I love you
You were the best thing that ever happened to me
No. No, it can’t be.
We’ll always be together, right Kuroo?
This was a prank, a dream, a something that wasn’t reality.
I love you, Kuroo
A joke? Yes, this was a joke.
I’m sorry
So is he.
“I like you,” Shouyou is 17 and just under 163 centimeters.
“Is that so?” Kuroo is just over 20 and 187 centimeters.
It couldn’t possibly work out.
But then Shouyou grins so bright—it’s honestly infectious—that Kuroo can’t help the grin that blooms on his own face.
“Of course!” the shorty jumps up, his smile getting brighter.
(how is that possible?)
“The way you block is just. Amazing. I can’t believe you got better in college!”
Shouyou is sunshine in the flesh, his smile, his skin, his eyes, his lips. Kuroo shakes his head a bit. Too fast, that was too fast.
“How could I not like you?”
Kuroo hums thoughtfully, tilting his head as several good reasons come to mind. He opts to say none of them. Instead he reaches out and ruffles Shouyou’s hair, laughing at the high squeak the action is rewarded with.
He doesn’t say yes.
“Want to go get coffee?” he offers instead. It’s safer that way. Shouyou might only ‘love’ him only for his blocking skills, and Kuroo might only find him attractive physically. But Shouyou was never bad company from what Kuroo could remember of their high school summer camps together, and now that Shouyou was a third year, Kuroo could see that the once hyperactive boy had mellowed out some.
Not too much, but enough. Just enough.
Maybe they would play volleyball together next year.
Kuroo laughs against Shouyou’s lips, pulling away from what should have been a kiss. Seeing the bright blush on the apples of Shouyou’s cheeks, Kuroo places careful kisses on each spot before pressing his lips against Shouyou’s in a lingering kiss.
“You’re so cute,” Kuroo states with a grin as he pulls away for the second time.
“Whatever,” Shouyou pouts. He’s still blushing so Kuroo counts it as a victory.
They’re studying one night when Kuroo has an idea. Shouyou is at his apartment often enough, why did he not just stay there?
“You should just share my apartment with me next year,” he says one night, more of a statement than an offer.
Shouyou looks up at him from his textbooks, a highlighter between his teeth. Quickly spitting it out, Shouyou gawks at him while color turns his entire face red, “I can’t pay rent.” He mumbles out as an excuse.
As if Kuroo cares.
“Can you cook?”
Shouyou is staring at him again, this time a smile breaking out across his face, “If you buy me the food to cook with,” he giggles.
Kuroo smiles back, “You got a deal.”
Where did he fuck up?
Where did they go wrong?
Why couldn’t he fix it?
What happened?
Three years passed. Three relatively happy years.
Now he was 23 and looking at the bed he once shared with a small ginger boy.
Now he’s 23 and he’s too young to be calling 119, too young to be crying into the receiver about his boyfriend bleeding out on his—their—bed.
Too young to be attempting CPR. Too young to have paramedics come tell him there is nothing more he can do.
Kuroo Tetsurou is 23 years old, and too young to be told that his boyfriend is dead.
Kuroo Tetsurou is 25 years old, and in his will, he asks that he is buried as close to Hinata Shouyou as possible.