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The bus was quiet. After a championship game, if you are not physically exhausted, you are emotionally exhausted and Sugawara Koushi is pretty sure that he and the bus driver are the only two people awake on the quickly moving bus.
It was almost as if it was a dream, nationals ended at five sets, and just like planned, it was Karasuno versus Nekoma. Everybody gave it their best from Kuroo to Tsukishima to Kageyama, Lev, Yaku, Hinata, everybody. Every team at nationals worked so hard, and fought tooth and nail, but thankfully, Karasuno worked the hardest and reached the top.
On this ride back home Suga had a lot on his mind to say the least. There was no way he could possibly sleep. Daichi was sideways, head placed in Suga’s lap, evenly breathing. I guess even captains have to sleep, Koushi thought to himself.
Just looking at him, Koushi realized there were very few moments like these left with Daichi. Graduation was coming soon and of course they would see each other during vacation and before university started, but this is different. Volleyball added a factor and a tranquility to their dynamic and seeing Daichi work so hard and be so proud about his team made Suga feel lighter some how.
Daichi was a natural born leader, and if Suga was being truthful, Daichi led his heart too, but Daichi could never know that. This crush, if Koushi could still call it that, has been around since their first year and has rooted itself in the very fiber of Suga’s being.
The bus hit bump and Daichi curled up in his position a little more.
What if we lose touch? Suga thought to himself. What if, when we go to different schools, we lose touch and he won’t want to hang out with me anymore and I won’t see him again? What if we never see each other again after he moves to school? Suga thought on.
It was true, Daichi was going to study in Tokyo, while Suga was staying Sendai. There were perfectly good universities in Sendai and why waste all the money on boarding, when he could commute from home? Truthfully, Suga so desperately wanted to follow Daichi to Tokyo but he knew he couldn’t. Suga was afraid to admit it, but he didn’t want to hold Daichi back and if he did go to Tokyo too, he would feel like he’s stopping Daichi from moving forward and growing. It was weird, and didn’t make sense but that was how he felt.
It was a terrible insecurity, but it was the truth. Sometimes you need to sacrifice yourself to let others succeed he thought absentmindedly while staring out the window. Koushi knew that he should not be thinking about this situation in this sense, but he couldn’t help it. When you feel so strongly for a person and you know that you have no possible chance with them, it’s hard to think differently.
Spending the past three years with Sawamura Daichi have been some of the best and most fun years of his life, but what happens when you cannot see somebody who has been such a big part of your life like that the way you used to? Pretty much every single day of high school they saw each other, and the thought of suddenly losing contact killed Koushi, it really did.
In the quiet of the bus, a sniffle was heard. It was Suga.
I can’t even tell him that I can’t lose him, he’ll think that’s weird. A tear fell with the thought. I can’t be truthful with how I feel. He can’t know how I feel. I don’t want our friendship to fall apart because of how I feel.
Anxiety was beginning to to blossom in the pit of his stomach and more tears fell. Suga just couldn’t help thinking about how different his life will be once Daichi leaves for university, no weekend movie marathons or after school fast food outs, nothing will happen unless they are on break. Suga couldn’t bear the idea doing traditions without Daichi and it was killing him just thinking about it.
I have to let it go. I can’t act like this for the rest of my life, he has a life outside of me. He has other friends that are not on the team. You’re just a best friend to him and nothing more, he reminded himself.
More tears were falling. He sniffled and wiped his eyes with his sleeve, accidentally hitting Daichi on the shoulder.
Daichi groaned as a reaction to being woken up.
“Suga?” Daichi asked, eyes widening noticing that his vice-captain was crying. “Are you alright?”
Suga nodded his head, “I’m fine, I’m alright, I promise,” he lied, not making eye contact with Daichi.
“Are you sure because those are definitely tears,” he whispered, sitting up to get a better look at his friend, trying to make eye contact with Suga.
“I’m good, I promise, I’m just…really happy that we won nationals.”
Daichi looked skeptical, “You sure?”
“Yea, I promise. Come on, go back to sleep. You must be tired, captain.”
Daichi blinked his eyes, and his lids drooped.
“Whatever you say,” Daichi mumbled, as he laid his head back in Suga’s lap.
Suga watched Daichi until his breathing went even again and soft snores were audible.
For you, I’ll keep these insecurities quiet.