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Week four, Providence Island. It had been nearly a month since Steven left home, and nearly a month since he had seen a gem in person. Of course, he and Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl had video chatted, and the same with the gems at Little Homeworld, but they hadn’t met up in real life.
Of course, he missed them – he missed them more than he had thought he would. But on the other hand, he had felt so… free. He felt like an adult; he was in control, and happy. Tonight, he was going to stay at a motel in Providence, and tomorrow, he would meet Connie for breakfast (he hadn’t seen her in person since he left, either—not more than once).
He pulled into the parking lot after checking in, grabbing his duffle bag and key card before going into his room for the night. The first thing he did was put his stuff down, grab his PJs and toothbrush, and go into the bathroom to get ready for bed – the day had been a long one, filled with troubling traffic and scratched CDs, and all he wanted to do was go to bed.
He showered and changed, enjoying the warmth of the steamy bathroom as he did so, and it hit him just how tired he was.
Not only tired, no – he was exhausted. He checked the bed for bedbugs by lifting the mattress, climbing under the covers when his search turned up empty. He had just cuddled up, pulling the blanket up close under his chin, when –
Knock knock knock.
Maybe it was the exhaustion talking, or maybe he just willed himself in to not caring, but he did not move an inch when he heard that knock. It was whatever, someone probably just got the wrong room or something – he hadn’t ordered pizza or anything, so he didn’t need to get up and check.
He cozied down in his bed a little farther, the thin blanket surprisingly warm and soft on his skin. Yeah, it was fine. No need to get up.
He was just about to doze off again before his sleep-ridden thoughts were interrupted.
Knock knock kn-knock knock--
A pause.
KNOCK KNOCK.
Sighing as loudly as his body would allow, Steven pushed the covers from his body and slipped down onto the cold, worn carpet on the floor. Whoever was at the door had some explaining to do.
He trudged to the door, undid the chain lock and pulled it open, his eyes still blurry. He used his other hand to rub them and groaned.
“Look, I didn’t order anything, I think you have the wrong—”
His hand had barely moved from his eyes when he noticed the visitor.
Eye level was a little above the person’s forehead, but all Steven could see of them was…pink.
“Sp..Spinel??”
“Uh..Long time, no see, ay?” She smiled.
"Uhm, yeah... What.. What're you doing here?" He tried to laugh, but he was too…stunned. How did she find him? Why did she find him? Spinel, though the last time he saw her seemed extremely happy, still proved to be a little…unstable. Or at the very least, she proved to be a little too excitable for Steven to handle at this level of exhaustion.
Spinel let out a halfhearted, forced chuckle but didn't say anything to him. He hoped he didn’t look too apprehensive about her presence – even though these appeared to be his “self-care days,” he still couldn’t shake the instinct to make sure everyone else was happy. He held his breath, still waiting for her answer.
Silence.
He waited a minute more, looking her over. Her face still held the tell-tale black streaks of trauma, but her body had changed some. A little ruffled collar backed her top, and the once-pink puffs on her shoulders were now a gauzy transparent material, much like the outfits of pearls, cuffed with gold. A cape-like skirt also adorned her puffy shorts, adorned with lace. It was really quite elegant.
“New form, I see? I like it. It suits you.”
She smiled, and pulled at the end of the skirt to do a mock-curtsey.
“Oh! Yeah, I looked pretty dull next to my new squad, so I decided to whip up somethin’ a little more… fanciful.”
He chuckled lightly and nodded back, and then they were back in silence.
Steven didn't really want company, but it was cold out, and late, and she had come all this way, and...
"Why don't you come in?"
Spinel shot him two finger guns and followed him as he stepped out of the way of the door.
Standing with the door still open, Steven put a hand to his mouth, his brows knit. What was he going to do? This wasn’t exactly on his schedule, and his feelings about Spinel were very… conflicted, to say the least.
On one hand, she had tried to murder him. Which, considering everyone else that had tried to murder him, wasn’t that big of a deal. But she was the most recent – and probably the most scary. She was the first to want to kill him, without thinking he was his mom. But then again… her anger was directed at his mom and not him, right? And then somehow, within a year, she had gone from sad and lost and oh so angry to peppy and bouncy again? It left a bitter taste in his mouth.
But on the other hand…
She seemed so young. Even when she had been slamming her fists into his shield, hoping to shatter him, her face and words and frame were just so… little. She was a kid, same as him. How could you hate a kid? Even if she did try to kill you once. And who was he to say she couldn’t find happiness that fast? Maybe that was normal, and he was just the abnormal one for taking so long to smile again.
It was confusing.
“This bed’s sproingy.”
Spinel’s voice rose up from behind him, causing him to startle and look back to the room. She was seated on the motel bed, bouncing up and down on her bottom with a grin. Steven gave a half-hearted chuckle and closed the door.
“So…” He started, turning around and watching her bounce. She stopped. “What, uh, brings you here at…” He squinted to check the digital clock on the nightstand. “Eleven PM?”
Spinel shrugged with a grin.
“I can’t check in on my favorite Steven every once and a while?”
Steven gave a weak smile, but followed it with a sigh.
“Right…”
He couldn’t really think of what to do next, so he just followed instinct – he sat down beside her on the bed. He wasn’t sure if it was to initiate a conversation or because he was just so tired. As soon as he was seated, Spinel reached over and grabbed his hand, causing him to jump. They were going to have to have a serious conversation about personal space and boundaries.
“How have you been doin’, Steve-o?” She asked, looking into his eyes. He tried to smile at her earnest face, but instead he yawned. Big.
“Oh, well, y’know—” He said mid-yawn, “Travelling the country, seeing the sights… I’ve been pretty good.”
Spinel was quiet, and still. That was a big difference from her loud, excitable bouncing from seconds prior. She was still holding onto his hand, and she moved it to be held with both of hers. She looked up to Steven’s face, her own solemn.
“No more swellin’ pink or giant worm problems?”
Steven sighed. That was what this was about.
“Augh, did the Diamonds just send you to check up on me?”
Yeah, he had a massive breakdown a few months ago, but he was an adult, or at least close to one. And the Diamonds weren’t even his real family –
He flinched at his own thoughts, regretting the thought as soon as it came to mind, but it was still true. They loved him and doted on him now, but they had caused him so much pain. And even after their apologies and change of heart, the tiniest bit of him still believed that they only cared about him because he was part of her.
He turned to Spinel, slightly frustrated, but stopped when he saw how worried she looked. He put his other hand on top of hers and gave them a pat.
“Don’t worry. I really am doing better.”
She smiled and nodded, pulling her hands from his and placing them delicately in her lap.
The only light in the room came from the moon outside, shining its presence through the window to hit Spinel’s face. It accented her big round eyes, which looked… troubled. Her silence was eerie.
Checking up on him wasn’t why she was here.
Or, at least, it wasn’t the only reason.
The silence was heavy, but no one seemed to want to change that. Spinel was staring ahead, breathing heavily even without the necessity, and Steven nodded out of awkwardness.
Was he sure he wanted to do this?
If he didn’t say anything, she might go home without venting to him or asking for his help. And he could tell by her twitching and the rise and fall of her chest that she had come here with a problem, likely one for him to fix with his magical Steven powers. He could just not ever ask about it, and she would leave exactly how she arrived.
But how could he do that? He was still Steven – he still wanted to help. He always would, even if that had caused him years’ worth of trauma build up. But could he? Was he ready to? It had been a few months of therapy, a few months of healing, a few months of self-care. But was that enough?
Whatever he decided, they couldn’t just keep sitting in silence.
“Sooo…” He said, continuing to nod. “How uh.. What’s up?”
“Huh?” Spinel startled, her breath catching in surprise. From the looks of it, her mind had been far away and Steven’s voice brought her back down to earth.
He couldn’t not say something. Finally, after a few more moments more of silence, Steven made a noise of decision in the back of his throat.
“What really brings you here, Spinel?”
Spinel looked back down at her hands, and Steven could tell that she was just as uncomfortable as he was. She made a disgruntled, unhappy sound before taking a deep breath.
"Well.. I, uh… I had a kinda.... bad… night yesterday. " She mumbled, looking at her hands. Her eyes looked a little teary, a little angry, and Steven tensed. She continued. "I, uh, hurt myself a little 'n spooked the diamonds, and I just -- I felt so lost . A-and alone. Like I was back on the... You know."
Steven was beginning to panic. It had been a few months, sure, but was he ready to start helping people again? He had made the wrong decision in asking. He wasn’t ready for this! What if he made it worse, or if he re-corrupted, or got mad, or--
"Woah, hold up now Stevie."
Spinel put a hand on his knee when she noticed his fingertips begin to blush in that unnaturally pink way, and he looked up at her. "I'm...not here to ask for your advice or nothin’. I’m here to say that I'm sorry. Cause last night got me thinkin’ that.. That that's how you musta felt, all that time, and I.... I dunno, I probably coulda helped but I was too busy trying to be good that I didn’t even notice.”
Steven blinked.
That hadn’t been what he was expecting.
“Wh-what?” He choked. Spinel sighed loudly.
“Oh, I dunno. Back when you were all…” She puffed out her cheeks and circled her arms, moving them outwards to mimic swelling. Steven winced. “You came to us to help ya, and I probably could’ve offered some words of wisdom, or talked you down, or, I don’t know, just commiserated with ya and maybe you wouldn’t’ve felt so bad, y’know? But I was too busy trying to be good and new and entertainin’ that I didn’t even think of it! I just tried to joke it out of ya, and you ended up corrupting. You deserved a friend that would help and not act all perfect and better.”
Steven blinked.
Oh.
“Hah! Look at me, makin this a pity party!” The smaller gem beside him laughed. “I’m good at doin’ that! I didn’t mean to make it all ‘bout me. I just wanted to tell you that…” She shot one hand out and grabbed Steven’s cheeks, turning his head to face her. “I shoulda been there for you. You’re a really good friend. I’m sorry I wasn’t.”
Steven didn’t realize that he was tearing up until Spinel had launched herself around him, pulling him into the first hug he’d had in far too long. The embrace was welcomed (he was admittedly very happy that the personal space talk hadn’t happened yet) yet tentative, and after a few moments he lay his head on her shoulder with a smile.
“Thank you.” Steven finally mumbled with the smile apparent in his (slightly cracking) voice. He was met with Spinel’s arms tightening around him, her own voice just emitting incoherent sounds of crying.
“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Steven wiped a tear from his own eye and then patted her back.
After a moment, Spinel pulled back, sniffling loudly. She scrubbed at her face with her hands, her shoulders hunched and face red.
“Sorry.” She mumbled, then giggled wetly and sniffled. “It’s been an exhausting few days.”
Steven nodded, his own face slightly wet.
“I’m with you there.”
The two sat in comfortable silence for a few moments, seemingly lost in thought.
Steven, particularly, lost in the thought that he needed this. A month by yourself after sixteen years of never being alone would be a lot for anyone, but especially for a boy who’d only recently recovered from a major emotional break down. He didn’t want to admit it, but he’d been lonely – even with all the new acquaintances and friends he’d made on the road. He missed familiar faces and voices, and he missed the familiar warmth of a body composed entirely of light sitting so close beside him. He missed his family.
He thought of his extended family, just for a moment – his mother’s biological family. His grandmothers, he supposed, because that was the family of the gem sitting right beside him, reminding him of everything he missed. He smiled as he thought of them, loving and caring about a gem so in need of a family. He wished his family was here now to love and care about him.
Something caught in his brain as he thought of his family, though – the reason why he left. He loved them, but he needed space. He had scared them. He had scared himself. He looked to the shorter gem beside him, who was staring out the window with a drowsy look on her face, and hoped this wasn’t the wrong thing to ask.
“So… If you don’t mind me asking… What exactly did happen last night?”
“Huh?” Spinel’s voice was tiny and surprised, and her head shot to face the boy beside her. Recognition flooded her eyes after a minute, and she sighed. “Oh… Haha.. That.”
Steven stayed quiet – he didn’t want to push it. If she wanted to talk, she would. He understood how it felt to be pushed into sharing when you’re not ready to. Spinel took a deep breath.
“Well, uh… You know, normally , I’m real good at being left alone now.” She brought a hand to the back of her head nervously, accompanying an uncomfortable smile. Steven nodded. “I didn’t even care that time when you were there and White asked me to go away, so, really, I’m getting better, I promise – “
“Spinel.” Steven interrupted, noticing his friend’s shoulders becoming tense. She looked at him, embarrassed, and he gave her a soft smile. “You don’t have to justify yourself to me.”
She nodded and laughed uncomfortably.
“Well, that’s good, cause I don’t think I can.” Another sigh. “So, uh, yesterday, they were throwin’ some, like, election party thing, and I went with ‘em.”
She got quiet.
“Oh, who won? Zircon or Zircon?” Steven prompted, not wanting to push. Spinel thought a moment.
“I think it was the Blue guy? She had my vote, at least.”
More silence.
“So anyways, we went to this party, and there were a whole bunch of gems there. So many that somehow I got lost…” She laughed for real this time. “No clue how I did that, seein’ as how my companions are hundreds of feet tall and louder than a freight train full of activated fireworks.
“But I was surrounded by strangers, and I guess the Diamonds went into another room ‘cause I couldn’t find ‘em, and I just got really, really –” She stopped, her hands gesturing in front of her, looking for the word.
“Overwhelmed.” Steven supplied. Spinel nodded roughly.
“Yeah. Definitely a bit too whelmed….I dunno why, I just got so scared and started breathin’ heavy and couldn’t think, and –” She cringed, her face flushing. “I ran back to my room and… What is it you humans call it, uh… had a ‘temper tantrum’? Where I threw some stuff and got myself all banged up…” She paused, and her demeanor changed from embarrassed to shameful and desperate. She swallowed before she spoke again. “When the Diamonds finally found me, I’d broken two walls, made a dent in the floor, and hit my head real bad. They walked in, and they—they looked so scared , Steven. They looked at me and Blue covered her mouth and Yellow gasped and – and I felt so bad for hurting them, and I didn’t think, a-and I grabbed a big piece of the wall I broke, and then I poofed.”
Steven took a sharp breath in. He wasn’t expecting that – sure, he’d seen gems poof before, and he knew that she had to have at some point to have her new look, but… He hadn’t really pieced it together that she could have done it to herself.
Honestly, it made sense.
“And then when I came back, I realized that that’s how you felt, Steven. And I figured that I had to come see you, ‘cause boy, that wasn’t fun, and I thought maybe you should know that… You’re not alone. And don’t worry, I talked it out with the Diamonds and they know I’m here.”
Steven smiled, and clapped one hand softly onto Spinel’s back. She had said the one thing he had needed in this point in recovery. He’s not alone. And she didn’t even ask him to fix all of her problems; she only told him when he asked. Somehow, this little gem who hadn’t ever proved to be anything but terrible at reading social cues, had known exactly what to say.
“Thank you, Spinel. Really.”
She turned a little to face him, and when she did there was a faint trace of a smiling playing on her lips as she shrugged.
“Well, what are friends for?”
The silence was becoming almost comforting at this point, the two of them simply sitting side by side, hands in their laps and eyes staring out into the night sky. Something was beginning to gnaw on Steven, though – just a little bit.
When he was in the worst of his crisis, Steven had experienced some less-than-desirable thoughts. He had hurt himself a time or two, subtly – scratching and digging his nails into his thighs, gripping his fists so tightly he left red welts on his palms… Once, he had almost done something worse, something he supposed was akin to a self-shattering, but he didn’t. He had just felt so lost, and so desperate, and he had hated himself so much that he couldn’t think of what else to do. Of course he’s glad now that he was too scared to carry it out fully, but that didn’t mean that he didn’t still sometimes wake up in a cold sweat, fearing for his life at his own hands. Spinel said she had poofed, and that she’d done it to herself. He wondered if…. If maybe it was intentional. The air wasn’t tense anymore, and Steven decided it’d be okay to voice this.
“Spinel did you ever….” He faltered. Cleared his throat. “Did you ever try to shatter yourself?”
There were a few beats before Spinel’s voice rose from the figure beside him, tight and worried, her eyes wide.
“I-I mean… I wouldn’t… I’m not gonna now, promise –” She was looking at him now with frantic eyes, her voice getting higher in pitch. “I know that that’s not good, and- and that I don’t need to be thinkin’ like that, and you really don’t have to worry bout me, truly! Please don’t worry ‘bout me, you got so much on your plate already, and –”
A gentle hand went to her shoulder. It was warm and solid, and it caused Spinel to take a breath.
She had comforted him, now it was his turn to return the favor. A kind look was all it took to make her face screw up with tears, but she didn’t speak. Instead she scooted away from him – whether it be intentionally or subconsciously – sobbing softly with her hands slowly moving to grab at her pigtails. He was going to let her calm down, seeing as his question upset her, and not speak of it any longer.
He had just been curious, and, yes, she was right – he had been worried. But, more than that, he had sort of been looking for a kindred spirit. Someone who had had those nasty, dark thoughts – someone who he knew wasn’t a bad person. If she had those thoughts too, then… Then maybe he wasn’t so bad for having them after all. Because even though he hadn’t had them in a while, he had still had them, and he couldn’t erase that.
From the looks of it, he had struck a chord. When Spinel’s hand reached to her hair and began to yank, her crying getting louder, Steven made the executive decision that the Cry-it-out method was not going to suffice. Instead, he reached over and grabbed her wrist, gently untangling her hand from her hair and pulling it into her lap.
“I’ve hurt myself before.” He said simply, his voice barely above a whisper but still solid enough to be felt by his companion. “On purpose. One night, I was feeling so awful. Connie – you remember her, she has the pretty dark skin and short hair? Yeah. Well, uhm, I… I kind of acted on impulse, like, romantically, and it scared her. I know now what she meant, but I was so lonely and scared that when she said no, I knew that I’d messed up and thought that… That I’d lose her forever. And I hurt myself. And—And I almost did something irreversible.”
He remembered the night clearly, though he didn’t want to. He remembered eating cake with Garnet, taking a much too long shower, then grabbed some Tylenol to help him relax and get to sleep with his still-sore-from-slamming-into-the-ground muscles. Once sitting in his bed, he took two pills, and then… And then, just for a few moments, he thought about downing the whole bottle.
Steven had led a sheltered life, yes, but that didn’t mean he didn’t know that people could overdose and die. He had watched Under the Knife once too many to be able to forget that. His thoughts wandered the second that thought popped into his mind – first, he was horrified. Why would he try and kill himself? Would he even really die? If he did… would it be for the better?
He hated that at the time he had believed the answer to be yes.
On impulse, he had poured the bottles contents into his hand and stared at them.
If he ended it, things would be better for his family. No more painful reminders of his mother. No more messing things up. No more Steven Universe.
Immediately he had shot out of bed, stumbled to the balcony, and dropped the handful of pills off the ledge, completely terrified of his own thoughts. And after that, he had done nothing but sleep for three days.
He didn’t like remembering it – in his opinion, being that scared of himself in that moment was just as bad as corrupting.
Spinel was staring at him, her breathing fast and her mouth emitting little whimpers as she tried to calm herself. Her eyes were wide and scared, and Steven knew he would have to say it sometime.
“I almost… I thought about killing myself.” He choked out. This was the first time he’d said it to anyone but his therapist, and even then, he hadn’t used those terms. But it was true – he had contemplated suicide, and after that first moment the thought had come to mind more and more, becoming scarier each time until his corruption. He felt Spinel shift her hand under his to grip his fingers, her eyes studying Steven’s now tearful ones with intensity.
“When I saw your message…” Her hoarse voice started, “In the garden, I thought… Before I got all mad, I just…” She took a deep breath. “All I could think of to do was end it. A-and I grabbed a pillar, and I dropped it on myself, a-and I hoped that I wouldn’t wake up, but…”
“But it didn’t work.” Steven supplied. Spinel nodded.
“Yeah.” She let out a dry chuckle. “But I’m such a screw up, I couldn’t even do that right.”
Steven swallowed and squeezed her hand back.
“Well, I’m glad you didn’t. Now we can be screw-ups together.”
Spinel laughed a little, an actual laugh that wasn’t so laden with pain. Steven did, too, watching as Spinel moved her other hand to reach towards him. She folded all of her fingers in except one, extending her pinky in a childish gesture.
“Screw-ups together, then?”
Steven’s pinky gripped hers nearly immediately, and he nodded once.
“Yeah.” He paused and shook his head. “My mother, man. She really messed us up, huh?”
Silence.
For a moment, he contemplated whether he had said something wrong, but then a little voice spoke up beside him, small and timid.
“Uh… I know Pink, like, made you, but…” Spinel looked Steven in the eyes, her own confused and sad. Steven swallowed. “What exactly is a mother?”
Steven paused.
“Uh.. Well, a mother is…” He paused. What would he tell her? He didn’t think explaining how babies were made would really answer her question, but what else could he tell her? He thought about Connie’s mom, and that led him to think about his own parental figures. His guys. Now that he thought about it, weren’t they basically his moms, anyways? He let himself smile just a little as he thought of them. “A mom – most people say mom, or mama, or mommy instead of mother -- is someone who takes care of you, and tries to make sure you’re safe. They read to you when you’re too little to read on your own, and play with you, and try to keep you out of trouble. They give you kisses on the top of your head, and make rules and stuff because they care, and… And they love you.”
Spinel nodded softly, her fingers fiddling with the hem of her pants.
“Oh.” She said, and her voice was soft. “I think Pink was my Mama, then? She used to do all those things…made me feel protected and cared for, made sure I wasn’t gettin’ into stuff I shouldn’t be, kissin’ me on the forehead, and all that…”
Steven stopped, honestly surprised.
“Oh.” He said tentatively, shocked at the realization. He had never thought about his mother being like a mom to someone else. He never really thought of gems having maternal figures, other than the diamonds to his mom. And, remembering Spinel the first time he saw her, it hadn’t been his first thought to see her as young and child-like. He moved to scratch the back of his head and gave a small chuckle. “I guess I just kind of assumed you were, like, in love with her. Everyone else seemed to be.”
Spinel laughed, right out. Her body lurched forward and she cackled, holding her belly as she did so. After a moment she leaned back up and, noticing Steven’s shocked and confused expression, wiped a tear from the corner of her eye.
“That’s so silly,” She giggled for a few more seconds, then sat up completely straight. Her face was solemn as she looked Steven dead in the eyes, making him shrink back in discomfort. “Seriously, Steven. That’s gross.”
Steven grinned apologetically.
“Sorry.” He chuckled, then looked from her to the window. The night was clear, with the stars shining bright and only a few clouds in sight. It was pretty. He smiled. “I just…I don’t know. I guess that makes you like my little sister, then, huh?”
Silence.
He broke his gaze from the window to look at his newly-determined sibling to see her staring at him with a perplexed look.
“Steven, I am much, much older than you.”
Steven laughed. He hadn’t been joking – looking over at Spinel, that’s exactly what he saw. A little gem, in need of a caretaker. No matter how old she was, she was still just a kid – just like him. Also, he was rather short and yet the top of her head was still only up to his nose.
“Yeah, but you’re kind of small.” He nudged her with his elbow, grinning. She shrugged.
“You ain’t wrong.”