Archive of Our Own

Remus woke with a start, flinching away from whoever was beating the shit out of him in his dream. He rubbed his eyes, groaning softly.

Every damn night these days.

He glanced over at Sirius, whose head was completely wrapped in his blanket, legs exposed to the chilly air.

Remus smirked.

He sat up, wrapping in his own blanket before creeping downstairs to the commons. A quick flick of his wand lit the fireplace, and he settled into the couch with a book in hand, trying to get his mind off the dreams.

The book worked for a little while until Remus found himself staring into the fire, thinking instead of reading. He closed the book quietly.

It was Sirius. He was dreaming Sirius’s memories. He'd known it for a few months now after Sirius had broken down and told him and James every reason why he hated his home. In the past few weeks, Remus's dreams about Sirius’s abuse were becoming more and more frequent. He was left to wonder what kind of dreams Sirius was having, waiting for the ball to drop.

He couldn't tell whether he wanted Sirius to figure it out or not.

On the one hand, the nightmares were excruciating for him, and they only made Remus's heart ache more for Sirius. On the other hand, he didn't want anything to change between any of them.

The marauders had something unique: something that had somehow lasted five years, and quite frankly, their bond was something Remus needed. If his support system fell apart, he was sure he'd have to leave Hogwarts to cope with his lycanthropy.

"Rem," Sirius's soft voice came from the bottom of the stairs. "What are you doing up? It's two in the morning,"

Remus smiled to himself and turned to Sirius.

"Couldn't get comfortable," he lied.

Sirius sat down beside him on the couch, concern in his eyes.

"The full moon is two weeks away. What's going on?"

Remus shrugged.

"I wish I knew."

Sirius stared at Remus, the two searching each other's expressions. Finally, Sirius broke their gaze and put his hands over Remus's. Remus felt his cheeks heat up the slightest bit.

"I'm sorry, Moony. If there's anything I can do, just let me know." Sirius looked up again, a small smile on his face. Remus knew that he wasn't convinced, but he smiled anyway, and Sirius's face relaxed slightly.

"I will."

***

A few days later, the boys were in transfiguration together, reviewing a vanishing spell for their OWLS. Remus, who had done it quickly a week earlier, struggled to get it to work this time.

He hadn't slept more than a few hours each night for the past three days. He stifled a yawn, tightened his grip on his wand, and tried once more.

"Evanesco," He said firmly, flicking his wand at the teapot on his desk. The damn thing began hovering above the desk, shaking as if the water inside was boiling. Remus pressed his lips together. Lily, who sat beside him, noticed him silently fuming.

"You okay, Remus?" She asked.

"I'm fine," he huffed. "I did this last week, so I should be able to do it again..."

The teapot fell to his desk with a loud clatter, drawing the entire class's attention to him. His face flushed. Sirius and James looked at each other before Sirius sent his pot flying at James's head to divert the attention away from Remus.

The class giggled at their antics, but McGonagall only frowned, watching Remus closely out of the corner of her eye. "It's okay," Lily said quietly as people went back to practicing. "I can help you with-" "Just let me try it one more time," Remus growled, blinking the sleep out of his eyes. He raised his wand and repeated the spell. "Evanesco!"

This time, the pot went flying backward over his head and into the back wall of the classroom, shattering into tiny shards. Every movement stopped, and the room fell deadly silent. Remus didn't even look up before shoving his books into his bag and storming out of the room. His face was redder than ever. On his way to the dorms, he took a sharp turn, deciding to go to the library in an attempt to get some homework done. He found his favorite place to sit on the floor beside the shelf, pulled out some parchment and a quill, and started sobbing.

He was exhausted and in love and embarrassed and in love and he'd been mean to Lily and he was in love with Sirius Black, and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about any of it. He wrapped his head in his arms, drawing his knees up underneath himself. His shoulders had just begun to shake when someone's warm hands rested on them.

"Here you are, Moony," Sirius said. "James and I have been looking for you everywhere. Left the map with Pete.”

Remus looked up, quickly wiping his face. Sirius smiled that winning smile at him and Remus closed his eyes, resting his head in his arms to keep Sirius from noticing his blush. His head felt swollen, and his face was still burning.

"Sorry," Remus croaked. "I shouldn't have run out like that."

"Don't apologize," Sirius said assuredly. "Everything's fine now, and you'll get that spell another day."

"I should've already had it," Remus frowned, lifting his head slightly. "I had it last week, perfectly fine."

Sirius shrugged.

"It's okay. Everyone has off days."

"'s been more like an off week," Remus mumbled.

Sirius came to sit in front of Remus.

"How come?"

Remus almost brushed it off, not wanting to talk about his horrid nightmares or how much they reminded Remus that Sirius was his soulmate, but the look on Sirius's face was so genuine and sincere that Remus felt himself talking somewhat involuntarily.

"I can't sleep anymore. I'm having these awful dreams, and I can never get back to bed after them." Remus looked down at his hands, trying to keep control of his facial expressions. "I can't really remember what I dream of, exactly, but I'm drained when I wake up."

"That's not good, Moons," Sirius's voice sounded strained. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it, apparently thinking it better to not say anything more.

"It isn't, but I don't know how to make them stop."

"Do they worry you?"

Remus looked at Sirius, eyebrows drawn together.

"What do you mean?"

"Do the nightmares make you worry about your soulmate?"

This was it. Remus had a choice to make. Did he ruin their friendship and confess everything or stay silent and live the rest of his life wishing he had said something?

Remus nodded a little bit.

"Yeah, I'm worried," he swallowed and closed his eyes for a brief second. "Especially because I can’t help since I don't know who it is."

Sirius's expression remained thoughtful, and he nodded as if taking Remus's words in. Something in Remus's chest felt like it was falling, stinging with heartbreak.

"I'm really sorry, Moony. I wish there was something I could do."

Remus could only nod, not trusting himself to speak.

"I'll see you in the commons tonight, though, yeah?" Sirius asked hopefully. Remus had forgotten about the party they'd been planning for the weekend, but he nodded anyway.

"Who knows, maybe it'll cheer you up." Said Sirius as he stood. Remus gave him a half-smile as he turned around.

"Wait, Sirius," Remus bit his lip pensively. Sirius turned his head. "Thanks for finding me."

And the winning smile was back.

"Anytime, Moony."

Remus couldn't help the tears from falling again as Sirius turned his back and walked away.

***

Remus had sat in the library for an hour or so more, realizing that he wasn't going to get any work done, before he got up and moved to the Gryffindor common room. He was actually able to focus that time when he pulled out a book, the storyline a welcome distraction as more and more people filed in. Night fell quickly, and soon the party was in full swing. In his own little corner, the world seemed almost peaceful to Remus as he observed people dancing and laughing. He hadn't seen James or Sirius yet, but he was doing a surprisingly good job of not checking for Sirius every two seconds. He looked down at his book again after glancing up when someone's hand covered the page, fingers drumming on the book. Remus grinned and put the book down to see James making a face at him. The two laughed.

"Couldn't find you after transfiguration," James said coolly. "Glad to see you here, though. Sirius said he didn't think you'd come, but that's to his disadvantage because now he owes me five galleons." He turned to give Sirius a smug smile, who just rolled his eyes from across the room. Remus laughed.

"Well, thanks for looking anyway."

"Anytime, Moony. It really was pretty lousy of Evans to sabotage your teapot, though, wasn't it?"

Remus snorted. They both knew Lily would never sabotage anything of Remus's. Something of James’s however…

"Please," Remus retorted, looking down at his book again. "If anything, she would've hexed your teapot."

"You're right," James said with a smirk, looking away. "She does quite enjoy the opportunity to get back at me."

Remus looked up to see James staring at Lily across the room. He watched James for a second before kicking him softly in the leg.

"What?" James snapped his attention back to Remus, who motioned to where Lily was standing by the fireplace.

"Don't just stand here pining, you love-sick dog. Go talk to her,"

"Okay, fine," James replied, a bit self-consciously, straightening his robes. He turned back to Remus. "And for the record, I'm a love-sick stag. Sirius is the dog."

He grinned and walked away, but Remus couldn't quite bring himself to smile the same way. The mention of Sirius threw him off more than it should have. He ran a hand through his hair and tried to refocus on his book, to no avail. Finally, after the dancing had died down a bit and people were beginning to sit in each other's laps and snog, Remus decided he'd had enough. He closed his book a little harder than he'd meant to, and the chatter in the room stopped almost instantaneously, everyone looking at him again. He let out a small frustrated sigh before getting up as calmly as he could and walking into the dorm. The second the door was closed, he pulled at his hair, falling onto his bed. He pressed his clammy hands against his face.

"Why can't people just leave me alone?" He shouted to nobody in particular. He heard a tentative breath near the doorway and sat up.

"Sorry," Sirius said, backing out of the room.

"No, Sirius, wait," Remus stuttered, embarrassed. "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were here."

Sirius took a small step into the room, closing the door carefully behind him.

"It's my bad," he said almost shyly. "I should've known you didn't want to be bothered."

Remus sighed, putting his face in his hands.

"I didn't know that everyone was monitoring me after what happened in transfiguration today."

"You did close that book a little forcefully," Sirius said, glancing anywhere but at Remus.

"Well, I didn't do it on purpose," Remus snapped. Sirius looked at him, and Remus immediately regretted his tone. He opened his mouth to apologize, but Sirius shook his head.

"Moons, it's okay, I promise. I get that it's been a tough week, so just try to sleep a little extra, yeah?"

Remus nodded, glancing down at his sheets.

"Yeah," he said softly. In his peripheral vision, he watched as Sirius nodded and walked out of the room. A large lump formed in his throat, but he shook his head and promptly fell asleep, refusing to cry another tear today.

***

Sirius plodded back down to the party, feeling worn out. Remus was making him worried. James caught his eye as he descended the last few steps.

"How is he?" he asked.

Sirius shrugged.

"Said he wanted to be alone and needed sleep, which is true enough."

James shook his head.

"I don't even know how to help him."

Sirius debated telling James about the dreams, but he hesitated thinking about James trying to "help" Remus figure out his soulmate. Instead, he shook his head.

"I don't know either, but sleep is a good start."

James nodded.

"I suppose so. Shame he can't join us for spin-the-bottle like you're going to."

Sirius rolled his eyes, frowning as James began to drag him toward the middle of the common room

"We play that every weekend. Can't we play something else?"

"Sure," Lily said, coming up behind the two. "We could play anything else, and you'd still be picky and unhappy because Remus isn't here."

Sirius whipped around, panic written clearly on his face.

"Lily-" he started to chide her, but she just grabbed his arm and dragged the three of them to a corner.

"Sirius, what did she mean by-" James started, but Lily shushed him.

"Listen, Lils," Sirius started. "I don't know what you meant by that, but-"

"Yes, you do," she said firmly, crossing her arms. "You absolutely do, and I'm tired of you pretending that you don't."

"Then how the hell do my dreams fit into this mess of a relationship?"

"Excuse me," James said, clearly annoyed. "Would anyone like to clue me into what's going on here?"

Lily rolled her eyes, turning toward James.

"Sirius is having issues figuring out who his soulmate is even though I think it's pretty obvious."

"I don't," James said shortly.

"Well, maybe you should use your brain and get a bloody clue, James," she said exasperatedly. "Merlin, you're so dense-"

"It's Remus," Sirius said quietly, shutting the both of them up. James gaped at him. "At least I think it is…"

"Oh, it is," Lily said definitively. "I've been watching the little glances and touches, and believe me, everything is pointing to it."

"I just don't get it, though. I've known I like him for a while, but nothing's been adding up recently."

Lily's eyes softened a little as Sirius bit his thumbnail anxiously.

"What is it, then?" she asked.

"Well, first, the stupid dreams don't make any sense. I always have these messed-up memories of classes with other Gryffindors, but it's never normal stuff. They're not clear; it's like I'm looking at everything through a foggy window, and I can't make anybody's faces out but mine and James's."

"So you're seeing yourself?"

"Yeah, that doesn't make any sense either." Sirius stared at the fireplace. "And Moony's been upset with me or something lately." he shook his head. "He told me he's not sleeping well, but there's got to be something else he's not telling me."

"I worry about him too," Lily said with a small sigh. "He's been spacey in class and can't get any charms right."

"Today in the library, he told me that he didn't know who his soulmate was," he said quietly. He swallowed, remembering Remus's words. "And I thought… you know if he knew it was me, he would tell me, right?"

“I would quite like to think so,” Lily said. “And you know he’s honest with you, but that’s a hard thing to talk about sometimes,” she said sagely.

"Which of your memories could he be dreaming?" James asked, apparently having gotten over his shock.

Sirius shrugged, but the ensuing silence told him that the three of them were thinking the same thing. He tried to smile the worry away, but it felt more like a grimace.

"I hope it's not those ones," he said, his voice cracking to a whisper.

Lily reached forward and gave Sirius a hug, holding him tightly for several seconds.

"Thanks, Lils," Sirius said, clearing his throat.

She nodded, rubbing his shoulders.

"Talk to Remus in the morning," She said. "If nothing else, you're worried about his health, and you want to be a good friend."

Sirius cringed internally at the word "friend." The last thing he wanted was to ruin what they already had. He nodded nonetheless and left Lily and James to play spin-the-bottle. As he crept quietly into bed, glancing over at Remus every now and again, he couldn't help but wonder if Remus wasn't his soulmate, would it matter? If Lily was right, and she usually was, could their love for each other be enough? He knew plenty of people who had never met their soulmates and died happily married to one another. He sighed, turning over in his bed for the third time as he tried to shut his brain off. Eventually, he drifted to sleep, dreaming apprehensively of Remus Lupin.

***

Everything was in black and white, greyscale. Cold. Foreboding. Remus's breath picked up. He knew this setting too well. Tears pricked his eyes, knowing what was coming. People rushed down a grand staircase, all sharp angles, and harsh words. Remus felt their sting. Shouts. Fists flying. Blinding light. Excruciating pain. And then, a falling sensation.

Remus was jarred awake, his arm burning like someone had snapped it in half. He must have cried out because Sirius and James were next to him on the floor in an instant. His head was still swimming as he realized that he'd fallen out of bed and onto his own arm. A string of curses flew from his mouth, and James helped him sit up.

"Mate, can you hear me?" James's voice sounded far away. Remus nodded, closing his eyes.

"Do you need Madam Pomfrey?" Sirius asked. Remus shook his head, using his good arm to grab the bed and help himself up.

"I'll just fix it myself," he said through gritted teeth. "It's my own damn fault."

"No, you lay down," Sirius said firmly. "I'll do it."

Remus wanted to argue back, but it was all he could do to keep himself from whimpering in pain.

"Fine," he breathed. "Just do it fast."

Sirius cast the incantation once, his wand trembling. He cleared his throat and cast it again, more forcefully this time. Remus relaxed as the pain subsided. He covered his face with his good arm, cursing again.

"I'm so stupid. Sorry for waking you guys up."

"Remus, it's okay," James said. "Honestly, as long as you're okay."

Remus bit back a comment about Sirius and James not existing to serve him, knowing James wouldn't get it. He just nodded until the two boys went back to their own beds. After some time, he raised his arm and glanced out the window. The night was clear, and it looked to be about four in the morning. He was comforted by the soft sound of James's snores soon after that. He turned onto his side to glance at Sirius to find him wide awake, staring at Remus with large, troubled eyes. Remus's face heated up as Sirius got out of his bed.

"What is it?" Remus whispered. Sirius sat on the edge of his bed.

"I wanted to make sure you're okay."

"I'm fine," he said shortly, knowing how fake it sounded. "I'm sorry, more than anything."

"What in Merlin's name do you have to be sorry about?"

Remus shook his head, refusing to fully answer that question.

"I'm sorry that you and James are friends with me and have to deal with me," he said shortly

"Moony," Sirius's voice was dripping with frustration. "Do you think James and I would still be here if you were someone we didn't care about?"

Remus didn't know how to answer that question. All he knew was that he wanted Sirius so much right now it hurt.

"We care so much about you, Remus," Sirius said, placing his hands on Remus's. "I wouldn't do this for anyone else."

He wanted to ask Sirius to stay with him. On nights when Sirius would wake up in a panic, asking for someone to sleep with, Remus always wanted to do it. He loved the feeling of being so close, and it always made it easier to fall asleep. But Remus could never ask the same of Sirius.

“I hate that I’m a burden on you all the time,” Remus said, tears in his eyes.

“Remus, how many times do I have to tell you? I wouldn’t trade this for anything. Life with you and James and Peter is a far cry better than anything else I could be doing with these years of my life. And you guys help a lot,” he laughed breathily. “More than you think you do.”

Remus didn’t know how to respond. Sirius smiled at him.

“Moony,” Sirius pressed. “Whatever you need…”

"Could you please stay with me tonight?" Remus's voice broke with uncertainty, unbelieving of his own words. "Maybe I'll get a decent sleep," he whispered.

"Of course," Sirius said, sliding under the covers without hesitation.

They each turned onto their sides, backs pressed against each other, and an overwhelming feeling of gratitude enveloped Remus. The warmth radiating from Sirius was making Remus a little dizzy. He wasn't complaining by any means, but after a few minutes, his muscles relaxed and he began to drift to sleep.

He had just flipped onto his other side as he dozed off when he felt the gentlest touch on his face. Barely breathing, he tried his hardest not to react. Sirius, who had apparently also turned around, traced Remus's scars softly with his fingers, whispering under his breath.

"Moony… Radiant…"

He continued to run his slender fingers all along Remus's face with unearthly tenderness. He traced the outline of Remus's lips, and Remus was finding it hard not to open his eyes. He lingered on his top lip then pulled away abruptly.

Without thinking, Remus leaned forward, feeling Sirius’s fingers on his lips again.

“Don’t stop,” he breathed, his heart thudding in his ears.

Sirius's breathing hitched.

“Moony, I-”

“Shh,” Remus quieted him. He pressed a kiss to Sirius’s fingers.

"Are you sure?” Sirius whispered.

Remus cracked his eyes open the tiniest bit, grinning like a fool. Sirius seemed nervous, hesitant to lay too close, but Remus understood everything now. He slotted one leg between Sirius' and pulled him closer. Sirius wrapped his arms around him, and Remus felt impossibly safe. He let out a sigh of contentment, every tense muscle in his body relaxing. He closed his eyes, nuzzling into the crook of Sirius's shoulder.

Before he knew it, the sun was up, and James was shaking them both awake.

"Hey," he whispered loudly. "It's eleven o'clock; you've slept half the day away!"

Sirius groaned in response, swatting at James with the hand that wasn't wrapped around Remus's shoulders. Remus just smiled, knowing he meant well. Sirius sat up slowly, and Remus, craving his warmth, pulled the blanket up to his chin. Sirius blinked the sleep out of his eyes, running a hand through his disheveled hair.

"That was hot," Remus said softly, to which Sirius responded with a smirk.

Remus eventually got up and sat on Sirius's lap, wrapping his legs around Sirius's torso. He couldn't help but let out an anxious breath. It almost seemed too surreal to be true. Sirius leaned forward and kissed Remus's forehead between his eyebrows, holding Remus's face in his hands.

"Tell me this isn't a dream," Remus said, gazing at Sirius.

"It's not," Sirius said plainly. "Speaking of dreams…"

"I was dreaming your memories, Sirius."

Sirius felt a wave of dread wash over him.

"Which ones?"

Remus looked at Sirius's panic-stricken eyes and pressed his lips together.

"I think you already know," he said softly. "They were the reason I wasn't sleeping."

"Remus, I'm so sorry-"

"Don't apologize," Remus said knowingly. "Are you sorry that you're my soulmate?" He asked, raising one eyebrow. Sirius blushed a deep red.

"Of course not, Remus. I'm not sorry about any of this." He looked at Remus like there was nothing else in the world. As if the words "any of this" implied only him and Remus.

"Me neither," Remus said, smiling. "What were your dreams?"

Sirius looked down, picking at his nails.

"I couldn't really tell, actually," he said, frowning. "I was hoping you'd be able to explain them to me."

"Where were you?"

"I was in a classroom; it was different every time, charms, transfiguration, potions, you know. But every time I would look around the room, I could only make out two faces: James's and my own. I was seeing myself."

"Right, because you were dreaming from my point of view," Remus said easily. "I always dreamt from your point of view."

Sirius forgot all about his dreams and pictured Remus’s dreams. He pictured him feeling what he’d felt, going through what he had. His heart was beating wildly in his chest.

"So in your dreams, there- you felt…"

"Sirius," Remus said, snapping his attention back. "It was only a dream."

"Yeah, a nightmare that made you break your arm!"

"But I'm not hurt anymore."

"I know, but going through that isn't something I'd wish for anyone. Not even Snivellus."

Remus raised one eyebrow.

Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Okay, maybe Snivellus, but still. You know what I mean."

"I do," Remus said with a sigh. "But you can't take responsibility for it."

Sirius gave him a challenging look.

"You shouldn't take responsibility for it," Remus corrected.

"Alright, whatever," Sirius replied hastily. "Now explain what my dreams meant. Why couldn't I see anyone?"

"That…" Remus said, biting his lip. "Sometimes around the full moon, I get really anxious and just block people out. Did it just look like you were seeing through a blurry camera lens?"

Sirius nodded.

"Yeah."

"That's exactly what it's like for me, but you and James have never been blurred out. Lily's starting to get better too, and McGonagall."

"Is it only around the full moon?"

Remus started to nod, but he ended up wiggling his head vaguely and staring at his sheets.

"Maybe?"

"Remus," Sirius said, looking into Remus's eyes.

"I mean, it was, but it's been worse this last year."

Sirius was silent for a second, mulling over Remus's words.

"Listen, Siri," Remus said. "I'm sorry. I know that this makes me more of a burden. That's why I never told you or James because you were already busy keeping me alive during the full."

Sirius looked up, brows furrowed.

"Don't say that." He took Remus's face in his hands and pressed their foreheads together. "Please, don't ever say that. You are never a burden to me. You're worth so much more than that."

Remus felt more loved at that moment than he'd ever felt in his entire life. He blushed furiously at the way Sirius was looking at him, rendered entirely speechless.

Sirius grinned uncontrollably.

"Am I making you blush, Moony?"

Remus didn't answer, resting his head on Sirius's shoulder. Sirius giggled.

"Did I just render Remus Lupin speechless?"

"No," he said defiantly. "You most certainly do not have that power over me."

"Oh, so it's a power struggle now?" Sirius tested.

Remus lifted his head and smirked at Sirius, an eyebrow raised.

"It can be.”

That was all the prompting Sirius needed before he grabbed Remus's face and kissed him senseless. Remus put his hands in Sirius's hair, pulling him even closer than he thought possible.

***

James barged in on them at least three times that morning, ("I'm not getting any younger, you two lovebirds!") but that week passed in blissful comparison to the week before. For the rest of the year, both boys' dreams were pleasant memories of dates, study sessions, and Sirius's dancing lessons.

Once a month, every full moon, when Sirius would crawl into Remus's bed, Remus would dream about Sirius tracing his slender fingers over his scars, and sometimes he would wake to find Sirius doing just that, falling in love with him all over again.

<3