Chapter Text
When it’s time when it’s time
when it’s time
It won’t matter. It won’t matter.
Because how much suffering is too much suffering? We never know.
Charlie has been aware of his life, or the lack thereof.
Charlie knows he has no purpose, no direction, and no meaning.
There are times he drifts away in his mind so far that it feels like he is watching his life in the third person, those are honestly the worst days.
He watches over himself and wonders, if not for those who need me, I don’t exist at all.
It’s a weird feeling when you wonder if you are really real or not. When you don’t know if you exist or not.
Charlie has spent years in the foster system, under the care of his pa. Countless nights spent wondering whether his non-existent powers are the only reason he is supposed to be alive.
And then he meets Jeff.
Jeff serves as a reason, a motivation to be alive, to be present in the moment. He needs to keep Jeff safe, fed, and happy. Satisfied to be alive, unlike himself.
Charlie has spent years, looking at his life as an outsider. Outsiders don’t care what happens to you, Charlie doesn’t care whatever happens to him.
But Jeff can absolutely not go through what Charlie has been through. Charlie loves Jeff, he won’t let him suffer.
So he takes Jeff and escapes.
The world outside is big, intimidating, and honestly not that tempting.
Charlie still sees no reason to be alive other than Jeff, nothing is worth going through in life. Nothing is worth all this suffering.
But again, as if to allure Charlie in the complex web of human feelings and desires, God introduces another person into his life.
Babe.
Charlie, for the first time in his life, considers the idea of life. Maybe, just maybe he has a purpose for himself too.
For the first time, he entertains the idea of a future, of happiness for himself.
Then he finds out about Babe’s life story, and it feels as if the universe is mocking him.
Look, Babe survived what you went through. Look at him, he is alive, he is a person unlike you. He has feelings and a life.
And so another mission starts. Along with Jeff, Charlie swears to protect Babe with his life too.
Meeting Babe is not part of the plan, it definitely is not what Charlie expects himself to do but Babe is too sweet of a temptation.
He is like the worst concoction possible, of everything that swipes away your consciousness into a nirvana that’s almost impossible to return from.
Babe is Charlie’s personal brand of ecstasy.
Ecstasy or obsession, Charlie never bothers to differentiate. Semantics.
With Babe comes new experiences, not only in terms of love or passion but also hatred, agitation, and aggressiveness that swirl in Charlie’s brain like dozens of different subjects he has never been aware of.
It’s a different high, to come across such extreme and contradicting emotions all at once but Charlie adapts.
Now I know what love is
And I know it ain’t you for sure
You’d rather something toxic
So, I poison myself again, again
‘Til I feel nothing in my soul
Every time Babe pushes him away, something inside Charlie breaks and every time he pulls him back, the crack remains.
Charlie, once again starts to wonder, is life worth the effort?
The effort he put in to keep Babe, to protect his loved one, to go through an endless cycle of push and pull that leaves him breathless, it feels like dying yet exhilarating.
Charlie toes on the edge of insanity, for fun he thinks.
P’Babe loves me? P’Babe loves me not.
Jeff questions his motive again and again. His older brother keeps planning his suicide, and the uncertainty of it all stings like poison, Jeff doesn’t want his only family to suffer.
He also is well versed in the literature that Charlie is.
He has always known the way his brother functions, hyper fixates on things because he always has been the topic of Charlie’s fixation, since day one.
But he can not do anything as Charlie slowly and steadily loses himself in Babe’s love. Drowns in the feeling that makes him feel alive.
Charlie can not just stop now, he is far too deep into this drug named Babe that his rehabilitation is impossible.
He knows that his love for the racer is his doom, yet he goes for it.
And then Babe introduces two new extremes in his life, Disgust and disappointment.
I’m on the edge of something breaking
I feel my mind is slowly fading
If I keep going, I won’t make it
And it’s all because of you
It’s all because of you
Charlie is not unknown to disappointment, it is an extreme he has always been attached to in the past.
What he never predicted is Babe reintroducing a high that he has long forgotten, P’babe always exceeds my expectations, he muses again.
Charlie, now a racer himself, thrives in the adrenaline that pumps through his body as he speeds past the cars, faster and faster in seconds.
It was another addiction, one that came close to Babe, but not on the same level, never on the same level.
But the addiction was bound to swallow him whole, destroy him from inside. The first big fight, the allegation of his relationship with Jeff not being pure truly came as a shock.
Jeff is the reason Charlie survives, how is that a bad connection to share?
Charlie, as an objective onlooker of his own life for the first time feels uncomfortable, his skin feels foreign. The only real purpose of his life being projected to such accusations, a connection that is the source of his tranquility feels tainted.
That day, for the first time in the stretch of Babe’s presence in Charlie’s life, he feels hatred towards the racer.
Charlie hates himself in that second.
He cannot fathom his capability to feel the hatred, towards Babe even more so.
But they patch up, they talk things out, it feels heavy and so so light at the same time.
Charlie feels like he’s suddenly floating in the wave that was trying to drown him to death. He feels relief in that demisal, he knows he won’t mind his death if Babe is the cause.
When it’s time when it’s time when it’s time
It won’t matter, it won’t matter
It was like I was never there,
It was like he was gone in thin air
The crack seems prominent as time passes, a darkness pulls Charlie apart, away from his rationality.
A thought brews inside his head, maybe Tony was right after all. Charlie is useless alive. Maybe there was a reason why Charlie was kept and brought up like a robot. Feelings and being human just aren’t his thing.
No one likes him when he feels when he expresses his feelings, it’s a burden for him and others, Charlie refuses to be a burden to anyone.
He wasn’t fond of himself, to begin with, but now he’s starting to harbor hatred for himself.
And then the final blow arrives.
“I’m so disappointed in you Charlie.”
“It’s just a sprained ankle Charlie, nothing fatal”
“Yes, I too think you’re too serious Charlie.”
“You should believe in me, trust me.”
“You shouldn’t use your well wishes to tell me what I should do or what I shouldn’t do.”
In that second, Charlie wonders why is his whole world standing against him just because he cares for Babe. Is it that bad?
You shouldn’t have felt anything at all, even if you did, it is your fault to think you have the right to burden others with your feelings.
The crack aches, and it burns to the point that Charlie thinks this is it, he can not survive this time. The team will surely take care of Jeff, they like him. Charlie isn’t needed. He is no one.
As the race proceeds, Charlie accesses the situation, and weighs his options. If he continues to race, he’ll have to live to see the consequences of being alive, and suffer again because he was foolish enough to think he is acceptable as a human.
Charlie is nothing but a tool, a tool cannot think for itself, it’s not alive.
if not for those who need me, I don’t exist at all.
If he dies, Tony will let Jeff and Babe be, Babe won’t have to deal with Charlie and his overbearing love and care, the team won’t have to deal with Charlie hindering their winning spirit, and lastly Jeff.
Jeff would be sad.
But he’ll be free of their foster father’s clutch, Charlie’s death is going to be beneficial for everyone, there’s no need for Charlie to be selfish and stay alive.
He needs to die.
What makes a grown man wanna cry
What makes him wanna take his life?
His happiness is never real.
When it’s time when it’s time when it’s time
It won’t matter, it won’t matter Babe
Charlie feels relieved as Babe passes him by, his love is gonna be the King of the Hollows. He’ll be happy again. And safe.
With no regret in his mind, Charlie turns his steering wheel with a jerk and thinks,
I will die for you P’babe, see I did it.
I hope now you know I love you.
I love you to death.
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This fic is inspired by the song - I was never there (by : The Weekend)