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No. It was wrong. What the hell, it was all wrong. It was wrong. Wrong in so many ways, just like her. But that wasn’t the point. The point was that it was all wrong. Did she say that yet? She wasn’t quite sure.
Nancy took out her ruler again and lined it up against the things on her shelf. The numbers were wrong. They were all wrong. They were all so wrong. She took everything off the shelf for what seemed like the hundredth time. It was really, really bad today. The numbers were really bad. They just wouldn’t make sense. And the noise wouldn’t stop.
Because if she stopped flicking the light switches, then everyone and everything she loved would die. If she stopped opening and closing the door then a demogorgon would come out and kill her. And now, if she stopped organizing and reorganizing her shelves then something really really bad would happen. She wasn’t sure what but she knew it was bad. Because it was all wrong.
She wanted to scream. Wanted to stop and just sit down on the ground and sob until there weren’t any tears left. But she couldn't. She took the vase and lined it up perfectly to the edge of the shelf. Then moved it because it was wrong. Then again because it was still wrong. She felt a grunt of frustration tear through her throat more than she heard it. Because she couldn’t hear anything. But she heard everything at the same time. It was all wrong.
She took the ruler and measured out exactly four centimeters before she took the small jewelry box and lined it up. But it was wrong. It was all wrong. It was like there was something burning her brain that she needed to get rid of. Like there was an itch she desperately needed to scratch but she couldn’t reach it. She let out another frustrated grunt as she realized now that the vase had moved just the slightest bit and it was all wrong. It was all wrong and it couldn’t be.
She let out a scream as she smashed the vase on the ground.
Nancy wasn’t sure what made her do it. She really didn’t. But suddenly, she just couldn’t do this anymore. Well no, she could never really do this, but she couldn’t do it. She really, really couldn’t. And she didn’t know if she made sense. She wasn’t sure if she cared, either. She took one of the shards of the ceramic vase and lifted up her sleeve, revealing a myriad of scars and cuts. She brought it down to her skin, adding another one. And another. And as she watched the cuts fill up with red, she could feel her breathing calming down.
She stood up again as her mind rearranged the setup of the shelf now that the vase was gone. The jewelry box would have to go next, then. She took her ruler and measured it against the edge of the shelf. Would one centimeter be good? Yeah, right?
But before Nancy could continue with her routine of measuring and remeasuring the distance, she heard someone come through the door. She whipped her head over. No one was supposed to be home. But there was Mike, standing wide-eyed at her arm. Oh. She hadn’t covered it up yet. Crap. She watched as his eyes moved from the blood running down her arm to the broken vase on the ground. Then to the objects from the previously full shelf that was now on her bed. And then back to her.
“N- Nancy?” He asked, his voice small and shocked. Before she could say anything, she heard another voice coming from downstairs.
“Mike? Everything ok up there?” Robin. Oh crap she had forgotten her girlfriend was coming over.
Nancy wanted to scream. Did she mention that yet? She wanted to scream at the noise to shut up. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t even respond to Mike. So she measured the distance from the shelf again. And again. And she did it up until Mike laid his hand on her hand, and she flinched violently away. When did he get here? She vaguely remembered him coming in but she needed the numbers to be right. She didn’t have time for this.
“Hey, Nancy?” He asked in a small voice. “Why are you bleeding? What are you doing? Are- are you ok?” And that broke her. She fell onto the floor in a heap of sobs as the weight of the world finally fell back onto her shoulders. She vaguely felt her brother kneeling on the ground next to her and hugging her. She could just barely hear the sound of Robin’s footsteps leading up the stairs and through the doorway. She heard Robin gasp as she felt another pair of arms wrap around her.
“Nance? Are you ok?” Those three words again. Those three words killed her all over again. Because she wasn’t. She wasn’t ok. Not by a long shot. But they couldn’t know. Her mother made her promise never to tell anyone. They couldn’t know. Especially not Mike.
“I- I can’t,” she whispered, shaking her head as her hand scratched at her arm. With the cuts. It seemed like this finally got Robin to notice the fact that her girlfriend was bleeding.
“Oh crap, Nance, are you bleeding? Why are you bleeding?” Robin was too nice. She cared too much. “Mike, go get the first aid kit,” she said, and Nancy heard the door close softly. Her head was still buried in her arms as she desperately tried to stop crying. Because the numbers still weren’t right. “Can you tell me what’s wrong, Nance?”
“I- I can’t,” Nancy said. “She won’t let me. She- she’ll hate me, Robbie.” She needed her to understand. She couldn’t tell her. Her mother would actually kill her faster than the upside down.
“Who will?” Robin asked softly.
“My mother,” she whispered, letting out another sob.
“Why?” Robin’s voice had something strange in it. Confusion maybe? Nancy was too tired to think.
“She made me promise not to tell anyone.”
“You can tell me, Nance, I promise I won’t tell.” Robin was too nice. She was too nice. And Nancy didn’t trust anyone. But maybe she could trust her girlfriend.
“I have OCD,” she whispered so softly she was sure Robin wouldn’t have heard, but she did. And it felt like a weight had been lifted off of her, finally able to say those three letters out loud.
“Wait, what’s that, Nancy?” Oh. Of course she didn’t know. Not a lot of people did. But just before she was going to respond, another voice reached her.
“Wait, what?” Mike. Oh god he wasn’t supposed to hear that. She curled up tighter and let out another sob.
“You weren’t supposed to know, Mike. You- you weren’t supposed to hear.” He wasn’t supposed to know. He couldn’t know. She couldn’t tell him. She couldn’t tell him anything.
“Nancy, who won’t let you tell me?” He asked, an edge in his voice as he sat down next to her and took her arm. After a moment of hesitation, she let him take it. He winced as he saw the cuts that had just stopped bleeding and began to wipe the blood away.
“Mom,” she let out a ragged whisper. He stopped cleaning her cuts and looked at her with his jaw set.
“I swear to all things holy I am going to kill her,” he gritted out, placing band aids over the cuts.
“She- she made me promise not to tell anyone. And especially not you,” she whispered, leaning into Robin. “I’ve known since seventh grade when I was obsessed with organizing the bookshelf of our classroom and she made me promise not to tell anyone, Mike.”
“Wait, hold up, what is it exactly?” Robin asked again, clearly confused. Nancy sighed as she prepared herself to explain.
“Obsessive compulsive disorder. The obsessive part is where you get these thoughts. Thoughts that are bad. Like, really really bad. Like everything would be wrong and bad things would happen if you don’t do something. It doesn’t make sense, but it feels so real, Robbie.” She had to understand. Luckily, her girlfriend nodded and gave her a soft kiss on her cheek. She took a deep breath before continuing. “And compulsions are things you do that make the bad things go away. I call the bad things the noise. I- I need the numbers to be good and right and not wrong. And I have these weird things with light switches and doors and books, which is actually why my mom took my books away. And I need to rearrange the things on my shelf until it’s good. That’s what I was doing. But I- I can’t do this anymore.” She buried her face in Robin’s shirt as she let out another sob. Robin rubbed her back and stroked her hair.
“And you’ve known for years?” She nodded, snuggling into Robin’s side. “And your mother didn’t help you at all?” She felt Robin tense up.
“Robbie, it’s fine,” she said, looking up at her girlfriend.
“No, Nancy, it’s not fine and you know that,” Mike said, running a hand through his hair. “She always does this. You know that, Nancy.”
“I know,” Nancy said quietly, leaning her head back as she stood up. “She doesn’t want to admit her daughter is different in any way. That she’s wrong.” She sat down on her bed and her girlfriend followed.
“Nancy, you’re not wrong.” Robin said as she gently stroked Nancy’s hair.
“Well to her I am,” she whispered.
“I’m going to kill her, Nancy, I swear I will,” Mike said, balling up his fists. “How could she not tell anyone? How could she scare you into not even telling your own brother? Ugh!”
“Does she do this a lot?” Robin asked, raising her eyebrows. Mike let out a dark laugh as he sat down on the ground. At her current angle, Nancy couldn’t help but think he was a little kid again. When did he become taller than her again?
“Yeah. All the damn time. She pretends we’re this perfect family as if we didn’t just hear the screaming fight in the middle of the night. As if she didn’t take away Nancy’s books for something she never even got help for nor told anyone in the family about.” Oh, so he was still caught up on that fact. And it did hurt, when she took away her books. She loved them. They were her one escape from the world, and she just took them away. Why? Because she put them in neat piles in a particular order and her mother caught her one day and took them away. Because her perfect daughter couldn’t do that. She couldn’t not be normal. Safe to say, she definitely didn’t come out yet.
“Wait, she took away your books?” Robin looked genuinely offended. “I can’t live without them!” Nancy let out a small giggle which she knew Mike would make fun of immediately once he got the chance.
“Hey, Nance?” Mike asked, as if he just thought of something.
“Yeah?”
“Why were there cuts on your arm?” Oh. She knew he was going to ask her. But she didn’t know how she was supposed to respond. “Did you- do you cut yourself?” She felt a few tears stream down her face as she nodded. Mike got up and hugged her and she let herself be hugged. And she fell apart all over again.
“It’s my fault, Mike,” she whispered, after he let go.
“What is, sweetie?” Robin asked. Robin was too perfect for this. She was too pure. Too good.
“I killed her. I killed Barb. It- it’s all my fault. It’s all my fault, Mike,” she said. Her voice sounded broken. She felt broken. She was broken.
“It’s not, Nancy, it’s really not.” Mike sounded desperate. She didn’t believe him.
“And I needed the noise to stop,” she said, as Robin squeezed her hand.
“You should have gotten help for this, Nance. Oh my god, sorry if this is offensive, but I really hate your mom.” Robin said, and Nancy couldn’t help but smile slightly.
“Don’t worry, you can say that.”
They stayed like that, with Robin and Mike cleaning her room for her while she listened to loud music and closed her eyes so it wouldn’t trigger her OCD again. Well, at least not until later. Then they watched a movie together. It was great.
“Hey, Nance?” Robin asked, looking at her girlfriend.
“Yeah?”
“Do you mind if I tell Steve? I was thinking of doing some research to figure out a way to help you. And I know that sounds cheesy, but whatever. You’re my girlfriend and I love you and I hate seeing you upset.” She thought about it for a while before replying.
“Ok, but tell him not to tell anyone else. You know how chatty he gets.” Screw it. Why not, right? She only wished she could see the horrified shocked look on her mother’s face. Oh wait, no she wouldn’t. “I don’t know if I want to tell people yet, and I don’t know if that’s my mom speaking or me. So um, you can tell him but make sure he doesn't tell anyone else. Not right now, at least.”
“Yeah, sure, of course,” her girlfriend said, followed by a small kiss to which Mike responded in typical little brother fashion. Meaning he let out a disgusted noise and told them to get a room. They just laughed and continued to watch the movie, though.
After it was over, Robin left to go to the library to research. And she really was too nice. Nancy didn’t deserve it. She didn’t deserve kindness. But Robin did it anyway. She really had never been more in love with someone in her life. That left the two Wheeler siblings alone.
“I’m gonna go have a chat with mom as soon as she comes home,” Mike grumbled out, his hands clenching again.
“Mike, you don’t have to.” She whispered. She deserved it anyway. She deserved all the pain her mother brought forth. Mike didn’t.
“You know you don’t deserve this right? You deserve to get help, Nance.” Since when did he get so good at reading minds? She didn’t say anything, though, she just nodded. But she didn’t. She didn’t deserve it.
“Ok,” she whispered after a beat. But then, a mischievous smile formed on Mike’s face.
“But don’t think I forgot about that giggle,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows. “What was that!”
“Ugh, shut up, Mike!”
And it was hard. It really was hard. And she didn’t know what the next day would bring, or if Mike’s “chat” with their mom would do anything. It might even bring both of them more punishment. But right here, right now, was ok.