Work Text:
BRRING BRRING! BRRING BRRING!
you hesitantly pick up the phone, worried it might be your landlord calling about your 3 years late rent. 'Um.. H-hello?' you hear loud, yet delicate, breathing coming from the other end as you continue to wonder who the caller may be. 'D-dean? Is it you...? I'm sorry about my rent- i- ill try to get it in by next.. year..'
*snort*
what was that? was he.. mocking you?
'what was that? are you.. mocking me?'
*oink*
now this was getting ridiculous. you know this couldnt be your landlord, he isnt a pig! in fact hes iconic for being a cute cute cuuute shoebill stork who engages in skibidi activities.
this guy.
yeah. def not a p*g.
you clutch your uterus in pain, from the inside of course, as your period cramps begin to hurt like freakint hell!!!
'gh- ah- it hurts.... ugh... pleas.e... just- just tell me who the bruh you are!!!'
*sniff*
what..? none of this makes sense. this bitch REFUSES to talk and explain himself!!!! he needs to speak the bruh up already.
'you need to--'
'speak the bruh up already?'
that.. that voice... so soft, delicate, angelic... no, it couldnt be him. it simply CANT be--
'its me john pork, yo wsg'
NO FREAKINT WAY!!!! your ex from highschool who you kissed once and never saw again... you thought he died in that car crash when he was playing resident evil 7 and then saw ethan winters BOMBAGYATT!
'i didnt die in that car crash my lovely winter angel. and by winter, i mean winters. because you ARE ethan winters'
'w-what..? this is unexpected and wacky!'
you thought this was unexpected and wacky, as FRICK. but you just couldnt bring yourself to say such vile words to the one you love so much after all these years. you feel a sharp pain in your uterus again, causing you to keel over in the pain and nearly pass out on the floor.
'ETHAN! STAY AWAKE! STAY VIGILANT, MY BASEMENT DARLING FROM THE R/HEAVENS ABOVE...'
'a-ah.. i'm sorry bae, it just.. hurts so much... and i dont even have any pads left... its been like 2 months since ive been to the store..... last time i just got a- *chuckles*- new friend of mine to help out...'
'oh honey.. just wait 5 minutes, okay? i'm putting you on hold...'
'o-ok...'
you hear the phone click and it begins to play that wonderful tune... you're calling john pork, you're calling john pork, you're calling john pork, it repeats heavenly over and over again. you lay still in your agony, comforted only mentally by his kind words just WISHING someone would KNOCK YOU UP ALREADY so you WOULDNT HAVE TO GO ON YOUR PERIOD ANYMORE!!!! RINGG! your doorbell rings for what feels like the first time in years (nobody likes you and nobody visits your mancave) as you rush to the door.
'j-john? is it you?'
'no bitch. its dean. your rents been overdue for 3 years this building is going into debt because of YO-'
you hear a loud SMACK reverberate from outside your door, and when you cautiously open it to see what happened, deans ass is ELONGATED from the VELOCITY of the smack.
'i got u boo, ill take care of you and all your woes..'
john squeezes you TIGHT, causing all the blood to rush out at once into the absolutely GORJ xxl bling-bling pad he placed perfectly under your poussy, and your cramps immediately disappear. you begin to tear up in happiness, as john porks wonderful stinky piggy stench makes its way comfortably into your nose.
*licks finger* *tsss* 'damn babe are you freshly made bacon becaus eyou are HOT HOT HOT
john pork blushes, pulls you in, and kisses you more passionately than youve been kissed ever in your 40something years of age. you're still on hold, so your phone continues to play the calling john pork song, causing for the most romantic and perfect scenario... <3
'you're so perfect perfect perfect, 100%, - john dory 👅👅👅💦 ah-aahh--