Chapter Text
When she left her dorm room, Trina had no destination in mind. Her bed reminded her of him. The books of art he bought her that held court on the corner of her desk reminded her of him. Joss had tried her best at comfort. At distraction. But, the grief of his loss was hers too. In truth, there was nowhere in Port Charles to which Trina could escape that wouldn’t have his face stamped there. His voice. But she had pulled on her coat anyway, and set her feet in motion.
Trina’s brain was still clouded and her eyes fought through tears that rendered her unable to see. The world flew by in blustering winds, in a squall of headlights and taillights and car horns and huddled masses moving through the night.
So, when Kevin opened the door onto which she had just knocked, he was as surprised to see her as she was to be seen there.
“Trina…come in.”
For a psychiatrist, Kevin seemed uneasy, Trina surprised herself to notice. They had never so much as held a conversation that she could remember, which was odd considering he was Spencer’s step-grandfather.
“I’m sorry to just show up here”, Trina started, her eyes earnestly searching from Kevin to Laura, who had just peeked out from behind her husband.
“It’s perfectly okay,” Laura said, her mouth and brows furrowed in that way she had to make you believe her concern.
Kevin stepped back, inviting Trina inside the apartment. “How are you doing?” He asked.
Professional duty? Personal interest? Simple habit? And anyway, how was she supposed to answer such a simple question with such a complex answer. An answer for which she didn’t actually have the vocabulary. It was all just feelings and they were all just…the drops of paint into the can and shaken to reveal, not the color on the card. The color expected or even settled for, but the ugliest pigment you have ever seen in your life.
“I’m…” Trina let the thought drop. It didn’t matter, anyway.
Kevin, ever the professional, threw her a lifeline. “Is there something we can do for you, Trina?”
Trina gazed at the apparitions standing before her, knowing they were not apparitions, and yet…
“Can I—I just want to see his room.” Trina said, absently.
“Oh, sweetheart of course.” Laura said, guiding Trina, with one hand on her back, towards the stairs.
“You know where it is, but…do you want one of us to go with you?” Laura asked.
Trina shook her head and ascended the stairs without ever touching a tread.
She opened the door to Spencer’s room slowly. Even from the entrance, it smelled of him. She smiled, stepped inside, turned on the light and locked the door.
Spencer’s bed was made, which surprised her—he hadn’t completely unlearned to rely on the confluence of housekeepers that had cleaned up after him most of his life. Trina pulled down the cover and climbed in.
Minutes ticked by and she let the tears stream freely. She shook from the force of them, but she didn’t break—nothing like what her family thought would happen the way they tiptoed around her. Her stoicism in their presence had bartered a tenuous peace from the constant questions and sullen looks of concern because she still wouldn’t accept that Spencer was gone for good. But, Trina’s body was tired of holding everything together for everyone else’s sake. And, she was tired of arguing the truth as she knew it—that Spencer was somewhere out there in the world, and he would come back to her.
When her tears dried, Trina sat up, studying the pictures on Spencer’s bedside table. There was one of them in Central Park. Another of them from the red carpet at the Nurse’s Ball. There was a picture of Spencer and Ace at the pool. And of a young Spencer with Nikolas, horseback. Snapshots of a life. Snapshots of moments in a life in which Spencer, she was assured now, knew he was loved.
Trina moved on to the bureau that held his clothes, running her hand over the fabric of his t-shirts–all dark colors, blacks and blues–neatly folded in the drawer. She lifted one to her face and inhaled, then pulled it over her head, where it draped her like the most ill-fitted dress down past her thighs.
And that’s when she saw them. Crisp white envelopes in the corner of the drawer. Written in Spencer’s handwriting: her name. Trina hesitated, briefly. These–as he had so eloquently said once–were his words and he had second thoughts about wanting her to read them.
But that was different. We weren’t friends, then . Trina reasoned. We are so much more now.
Bu, he didn’t give them to you for a reason. There are dozens here. Why did he never share them with you? What was he planning?
It hardly matters now…
Trina pulled the bundle of letters from the drawer and sat down on the bed, still torn about whether she should open the envelopes, read whatever was written there. In the end, the need to be near him won out. And if she couldn’t be near him literally–physically–then the next best thing was to climb up and make a nest inside his mind. She opened the first envelope, immediately fighting back tears. Inside was a fragile, crumpled piece of stationary from the Haunted Star, the ink runny from having barely survived Spencer’s dive into the ocean. She read:
12 April 2023
Dear Trina,
Right now, you are off somewhere on this yacht that my uncle Victor hijacked,
trying to summon help. I still can’t believe that you followed me here from the
Nurse’s Ball, but I’m grateful that you did. I don’t really understand what my
uncle is planning and I shudder to think what might happen to us, but what I do
know is that I love you. I love you. And if I’m not lucky enough to see another
day, just know how thankful I am that my last hours on Earth were spent with
you. In a life lived with so much privilege, that was the greatest of them all.
Your (boy)friend :-)
Spencer
Trina held the letter to her chest, flashing to that first night onboard. Her father had spoken about how dangerous the Cassadine family was, which was why he wasn’t so keen on her getting involved with Spencer. If she were being honest, there was something about the lore of Spencer’s world that intrigued her. When she was with him, she felt the limitless potential of the woman she could become being loved by a man for whom rules didn’t apply. Which is what led her on that boat. What allowed her to move around like the Phantom of the Haunted Star despite the risk posed.
Trina carefully returned the letter to its envelope and opened the next.
***
11 May 2023
Dear Trina,
I am sorry. The look on your face today when I left the hospital with my
grandmother and Ace and Esme. You looked heartbroken and I did that. And
I don’t know how to undo it. You mean the world to me and I don’t ever want
you to doubt that. I’m trying to navigate life as a big brother—a surrogate
father to Ace since his father is gone. And I know that means time away from
you. I wish it didn’t. I wish there was a way I could have equal parts of you
both. I do want to thank you—my hero—for saving my life and my brother’s
and half the world’s population (my uncle’s plan was psychotic!). I will find a
way to celebrate your heroism the way it deserves to be celebrated. Until then,
and for what it’s worth, just know that I love you more than I’ll ever be able
to convey.
Spencer
***
31 May 2023
Trina,
I’m sorry I couldn’t be with you when you got the results of your paternity
test. I know that they were not what you had hoped, but they don’t negate
who you are—who you’ve always been. One day, when we have children of
our own, we’ll understand that it’s the love you pour into them that matters
more than anything. You reminded me always that I wasn’t destined to be a
certain way because of who my family is. Your parents raised an intelligent,
driven, compassionate woman and if anything, I think finding out that you
have more family, more people who love you (because how could they not?)
will expand your own capacity for love and understanding even more.
Love,
Spencer
***
20 June 2023
Dear Trina,
I miss you. It seems like there are forces at work keeping us apart. I love
hearing your voice when we talk on the phone and laughing over the silly
videos we share via text, but it isn’t the same as seeing your beautiful face
in front of me. Thank you for inviting me to Curtis’ birthday party. It was
nice to be included with your family (and not at all awkward :-) ) I can’t wait
for so many more celebrations like this and for you to be part of my family
gatherings…and for us, someday, to have family gatherings of our own…
I love you always,
Spencer
***
30 June 2023
Today counts as our very first real fight. I guess it’s a right of passage for
any relationship? To see if it can withstand the pressure? I’m not losing you
over bullshit. Especially not Esme and Dex and Joss. After everything that
happened last night—really throughout our relationship—I AM SURE where
I belong. It is with you. I’ll do whatever I need to to prove it to you.
I love you and I’m sorry,,
Spencer
***
20 July 2023
Dearest Trina,
You’ve been dealing with so much pain and pressure with Curtis being
in the hospital, but I want to thank you for your reassurances today.
People are in my ear telling me that I don’t deserve you; that I am bad
for you. And while I agree I don’t deserve you (no one does), I don’t
want to believe that I am bad for you. I don’t EVER want to add to your
pain again. I want to be where you go for peace. And if you can’t find
peace with me, then, as much as I would hate it, I would want you to
find it wherever you can. I want to see you happy, even if it’s not with
me. But, I’m going to make every effort to ensure that it is.
Love,
Spencer
***
24 August 2023
Dear Trina,
You asked me a very straightforward question today, but I didn’t
give you a very straightforward answer.
I feel I have been pretty naive and singularly-focused. I want Ace
to be happy and healthy and I don’t want him to grow up feeling
like he wasn’t a priority in somebody’s life. I hadn’t realized how
it must look from your view—me living with Ace and Esme. If I
thought that I could be separate from them and she would still
allow me access to my brother, I would do that. Right now, that’s
his only parent and I have no rights that she doesn’t give me to
see him and care for him. And I think she would play the keep
away game if it suited her. And then, I’d be without him. And
I’d be without the last piece of my father I have left. Because, as
you so astutely pointed out, I still love my father despite every-
thing.
I'm sorry it's taking me so long to figure out a better situation—
one that doesn’t leave you on the outside looking in. Maybe I
can look into getting my own place near my grandmother’s so
that I can still be in close proximity to Ace while also having
space for us to be alone and really build this relationship into
what I know it can be.
By the way, you looked stunning in that black dress and I
**really** wanted to take it off of you. But, in due time. I have
a house to clean.
I love you.
Always,
Spencer
***
11 September 2023
Dearest Princess Trina Robinson Cassadine,
Your devoted,
Prince Spencer Stephen Nikolasovich Cassadine
🕊️
***
28 September 2023
Trina,
At this moment, we are on a plane to New York City.
You are asleep, resting your head against my shoulder.
There is so much in store for us on this little adventure.
I hope you have the time of your life—I know I will.
Nothing feels as right as moments like these when it’s
just the two of us, together. Thank you for choosing me.
Thank you for allowing me this opportunity to show you
how much you mean to me. I imagine on the return
f light home, our worlds will be different. Bigger. Better.
And I thank you for that, too. For allowing me to love
all of you. I cannot wait for the next stage of our life
together to begin.
XO,
SC
***
19 October 2023
I was an ass. Again. Apologies can only do so much, but I am sorry.
You have very valid concerns and I should listen without getting
defensive. I know you want me to find my own path outside of Ace
and Esme. And you. I know it’s standing in the way of our progress.
I hear you. I hear you. I hear you.
Sincerely,
Spencer
***
10 November 2023
Trina
I came to you for comfort. I came to you because I thought you would
understand how devastating it would be for me to lose another one of
my family members. And not just any family member—my little brother.
He’s innocent in all of this and I cannot believe you’re asking me to give
him up without a fight. I thought you knew me better than this. I
thought you’d stand beside me. I’m losing everything
***
11 November 2023
Dear Trina,
I had a chance to sleep on it. I’m sorry about what I said to you. I keep
calling and texting. I sent flowers. You won’t respond. I just might
actually mail this letter, although you probably won’t respond to it either.
It’s been less than a day and I’m going crazy without you. I just don’t
see a simple solution. I wish I did. I wish there was a way for me to
hang on to both you and Ace, but I don’t see it. I don’t want to live
without you. And I don’t want to live without Ace. I don’t know what
to do. Please, tell me what to do.
***
17 November 2023
Trina, you still won’t talk to me. I went to your dorm. I see you got the
flowers. Joss was there. She sounded just like you in what she said, but
of course, Joss is more sledgehammer than mallet.
I love you so much and I hate that I’ve hurt you and I hate that I have made
you feel as though you’re not important to me because that couldn’t be
f arther from the truth. When I look at you, I see my future. I see my wife and
the mother of my children and the only person I want to partner with in
this life. Assuming your vision of our future is the same, I hate to think
that I’ve blown that up. Baby, please, just TALK to me.
I love you.
XOXO,
Spencer
***
Thanksgiving 2023,
Dear Trina,
I’ve just left your family’s house, where everyone graciously offered me
a seat at their table. I know that was a tall order from them, and I
appreciate it so much. It’s because of the incredible person that you are—
always seeing the best in people and never giving up on them that have
gotten us all to the point that we can share a meal. Especially on today.
So, as always, thank you for just being you. This year, you gave me the
f eeling of home and family and love and acceptance—even if just for a
few hours—and I will be forever grateful. I only hope I can return to you
the measure of happiness you’ve brought into my life.
(And yes, I know I always sound so sappy, but this is what you do to me.)
Kisses,
Spencer
***
2 January 2024
Dear Trina,
Happy New Year! To say I am proud of you would be an understatement. You
are extraordinary and I’m honored to share my life with you. You’ve seen me
through some of the darkest times, and I can’t wait to watch you in your
brightest. You deserve this opportunity at the Sorbonne and so much more.
I cannot believe that you asked me along for the ride and I want you to know
there was not a moment’s hesitation for me to accept. I want to be with you.
I’ve always wanted to be with you. You have a light and a radiance much like
the sun and I want to just stand under it and bask in it.
And while we’re in Paris, I promise not to waste time like I did at home. I
promise to do the work. To find my life’s passion (other than you :-)) and
finally become the man you deserve. Also, the man I deserve. You've taught
me so much.
Here’s to the next chapter in our lives. I can’t wait.
Love always,
Spencer
***
16 January 2024
Love,
I feel like I’m always apologizing to you. For things that I’ve done. Or
didn’t do and should have. Or things I’ve said and shouldn’t have.
When you came into my life, it flipped a switch on me. Suddenly I
cared about wrong and right, even if I chose wrong. Suddenly, I
thought about the consequences of my actions (or, at least, reflected
on their impact after the fact). I say all of this to say that I don’t
know what will happen in the intermediate future. I saw my dad
today, after almost a year of secretly wanting him to return and
outwardly wishing that he wouldn’t. It felt like it would be torturous,
like the grips of air before falling beneath the surface again. What’s
weird was, he actually felt like a lifeline. It was good to see him. To
look into his eyes and to know that he had been watching us. That
he hadn’t abandoned us. I thought I would be angry with him, but
I wasn’t.
I think since Esme got her memories back, I’ve been terrified of how
it would affect Ace. She’s his mother, but that doesn’t mean she is fit
to raise him. Not without the armor of amnesia. It was clear to me that
leaving Ace on Christmas and breaking into Wyndemere was just the
start. Ace gave her a clean start for almost a year and she threw it all
away for what?
And now I'm filled with regret. Of all the time I wasted believing she
was a different person. All the trauma it caused you to watch me do it.
I’m sorry.
I’m not exactly sure that handing Ace over to my father was the best
decision I could have made, but it wasn’t the worst. He’s the devil I
know. The one I love. And he’s Ace’s father. If Esme deserved a
chance to parent Ace despite all of the things she’s done, then so
does my father.
And I have to believe at least this way there’s a chance I will see him
again. But I know he’s safe, and that’s what matters most.
And I know I’m ready to go on this journey with you. It’s amazing
how much my life has changed in such a few short weeks, but I think it’s
only gotten better. And it’s only going to get better because I’ll
have you by my side.
T - 10 days, baby! Can't wait!
XO,
Spencer
That was the last of them. Trina’s tears continued in a steady stream as she packed them back in their envelopes and socked them away in his drawer. Of course, in these modern times, Spencer Cassadine would choose to handwrite her letters. And the penmanship was so telling--neat, block letters when he was happy and almost unintelligible scrawls when he wasn't. And, whether he had actually intended on her reading them would be a continual debate, but it was moot now. She had, and she wondered how her heart could be so full and so broken at the same time.
Trina lay back down in his shirt, in his bed and stared at the ceiling. In a lot of ways, the eight months of their relationship had felt like eight years with all that they had been through. But the happy—the truly joyous moments in which it was just the two of them, living and laughing and loving and fighting for their life together —that had been a blip. It wasn’t fair. And it wasn’t fair that everyone was telling her that she and Spencer would never get the chance again. That he was gone and her dream was over. God...the universe—they, couldn’t be that cruel. Could they?