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There was a moment in time where she thought it was too long.
There was a moment where she ran away for six hours because of it.
Every word of it..
It felt too real for her.
It was about their friendship.
How much they loved each other.
How much they meant to each other.
How much they meant to her .
There was a moment where it felt like…maybe…this song was…secretly about her.
Julien never told this to either Lucy or Phoebe, especially the former out of fear, but…it just felt that way.
When Lucy played it for her for the first time two years ago while the trio were brainstorming for the record, it felt like it was the worst thing to happen to her. She didn’t know how to think of it. On one side, she did have to admit that it was a nice song, sure long, but it felt too real to even form a thought about. But on the other side, she needed time to recover from it. She wasn’t ready to talk about it and what it meant for them as a whole.
The truth about it being a scared love song finally came out into view, and she lost it completely.
She scared her friends by running away after that. She regrets doing that now that she thought about it more. It was out of character of her and really stupid, but at the time, her guard fell down and there was no other choice.
It conflicted her to no end. She knew there was a difference between being seen and loved and being criticized by your actions, but this song made her rethink some choices.
Will they continue to love her the same way as always?
Will they always be friends?
What was Lucy’s true motives with the writing?
Once she made up her mind of everything that happened and took some time to recover from her state of mind, she returned with a now different outlook than before. She knew Phoebe and Lucy would have a conversation with her of what she did. But in the end, it didn’t matter.
She just wanted to be with her boys.
That was then, when the album was just getting started and either the three of them had no idea what they were getting themselves into.
~
This is now, where it is Grammy weekend, tensions (and long time feelings) were resolved, and the cycle was coming to an end.
The dynamic between the three had changed dramatically in that time since then. Phoebe was in a better place in her little part of the industry, and Julien and Lucy, after all these years of the tug of war of “will they or won’t they”, were finally together. The Record became a hit with everyone and they couldn’t be more proud of their success.
It pained them all that this would be at least the last time in a while that all three of them would be together in a public space, so they decided to make the most of it by booking two secret surprise shows at The Smell, a venue in downtown Los Angeles.
They’ve been practicing all week at Lucy and Julien’s home, which wasn’t very far from where the Grammys would be taking place. Phoebe was already in the area doing more preparations for her next move, so they decided to go ahead and run off with what they had.
Phoebe was going through the 14 song setlist. For an acoustic show, it wasn’t that entirely long, it had all that they needed to sing and therefore. After a while, she decided it was best to combine Me and My Dog with Letter to An Old Poet. She knew it would dig the fans up with the comparisons.
Julien, meanwhile, was struggling to find a movement in Satanist, which she always does so well, but it suddenly wasn’t working right now. Lucy was watching her boys carefully, coming back from the yard of her home finishing watering the plants. This felt like a regular day in the studio for them, except this isn’t the studio, but it sure makes it feel that way.
“Hey, Luce. We should combine Dog with Letters.” Phoebe said after the ravenette final noticed her.
“Oh now you want to do that after all the internet has done? Clever, Bridge.”
The blonde flushed back. “Look, I wanted to do something nice, and also because I deserve this.”
Lucy bursts out laughing at that comment. “You want to do that to be nice? The Phoebe Bridgers I know would never do that.”
“Which one of us has more charm and energy, Dacus? I feel like I’m the one who has it more.”
Oh, now Lucy was furious.
She escaped from sight before the other girl would scrape her alive, dashing through Julien’s side of the couch she was sitting in and uses her as a shield. However, Lucy flinched when she got to the brunette’s view. She was so perfect like this, she didn’t to pressure her over a random “fight”.
“Move out of there, Pheebs, this will continue.”
Phoebe murmured angrily before leaving the couch. She just knew this was an excuse for her and Julien to make out again. The other girl didn’t mind that, going through kissing Lucy’s temple before heading straight to her red warm lips.
“Missed me, baby?”
“Warming the plants isn’t considered missing me, Luce. Try again next time though.” Julien replied back, peppering her neck with kisses while she was at it.
“Hey, cute and all, very happy for you both, but weren’t we supposed to start now?” Phoebe broke it off, daring not to watch whatever this lovefest was any longer.
“Oh yeah, lemme wash myself and I’ll be at it.” Lucy pecked Julien a kiss back on her forehead and went straight to the bathroom.
Phoebe herself wasn’t being bad about this. She was happy for them both, don’t get her absolutely wrong. She still remembers very clearly the day they told her they were dating, the week before tour began. She already knew there was something going on between them, because Julien told her about her problems with her during her first Eras Tour show. Since then, she has been their biggest supporter, although there are sometimes where she feels like she’s the third wheel in her own band.
Both her and Julien were now alone in the living room, waiting for Lucy to come back so they could start practicing. At one point, she could see her playing with the strings of her guitar and knocking on its wood. She also started fidgeting herself, a habit she gained years ago after the hell that almost costed her life.
“Hey, JB, you know you can count on me.” Phoebe whispered. She hated seeing her like this.
“I hate the way this approach is going for me, like, when was the last time I sang this on guitar? It sounds so bad now, Pheebs.” The small girl said sadly.
The blonde sat up and found the setlist and sat back down to give it to her friend. “How about you switch up? Like practice one song that isn’t yours to sing?”
“I’m not singing Voyager nor Graceland-“
“No, Jules, I mean…maybe sing one of Lucy’s. I know she wouldn’t mind.”
Julien blushed furiously. “PHOEBE. I am not singing my beautiful girlfriend’s material, thank you very much. That is still very much a sacred road that we haven’t gone much and I really want to keep it that way.”
“But Halloween-“
“She was pressuring me, and also we had…a moment that I don’t want to go through again.”
She knew what she was talking about.
The night before their show at the Hollywood Bowl, Julien and Lucy had a heated argument over why the latter wanted to sing Good News. It was too personal for her to sing it, especially in a crowd of thousands wearing their Halloween costumes, and also came the fears of someone watching them make out on non-show grounds and leak stuff about their relationship. Lucy had confronted her, saying that she wanted to sing it anyways and that it would be living proof of how far the two had gone through in the last few months, both as musicians and as friends turned lovers. Julien, being the lovable coward that she was, broke down in front of her, apologizing to her for being a mess, and also giving her word on how grateful she was for her being in her life, giving her approval to sing it.
It went well, obviously, but still, it haunts her every time she thinks about it.
“I really don’t want to.” Julien said.
Phoebe put herself onto her friend’s side. “It is because you don’t want to? Or because you’re afraid of what she’ll think of her words with yours?”
The brunette froze, not thinking of that earlier on. We’re in Love is such an important song to Lucy, and it would make sense to not damage it in that way, but still…she felt like she had to try her version.
They are living together after all.
Taking deep practiced breaths, she finally said, “Fine, I’ll try. But if it doesn’t work, I’m done with the guitar for today.”
Phoebe giggled at her little angry tone. “Deal, J. What song will you do?”
Julien didn’t even have to say anything.
She just played the opening notes of a soft, mellow harmony.
~
Lucy was finishing washing her face, a normal routine for her, especially more recently now that she lives in California. When she and Julien moved to LA, after the festival run of tour, they had problems getting aloe cream for Julien after a sunburn scare, leading to them not even leaving the house for days so that she would recover. It was embarrassing for Julien, but it was a great cautionary tale about the importance of skin care.
Lucy laughed remembering the tale when she heard guitar sounds already coming from outside the bathroom. A soft one, she can hear. She creaked the door a little to hear what was going on. It was Julien playing, a sight she loved so much. But when she peeked a little closer and hear what was playing, she immediately regretted it.
And she knew what song it was.
You could absolutely break my heart
That’s how I know that we’re in love
I don’t need the symbol of a scar
So put down the knife, we’re not swapping blood
It…didn’t feel right.
Was Julien…singing the song?
Without her here?
And she’s singing it…with her voice.
Lucy just broke down. There was no way this was happening. In a sense, she knew this would happen eventually, but never like this when she wasn’t around. Her heart began pounding hardly, her breath hitching. This was too much.
She began crying.
Her girlfriend was really singing the song that was actually about her.
And she never told her because she was not ready to have that conversation yet.
She had to talk her out of it before it became unbearable for her to hear more.
~
I can’t imagine you without the same smile in your eyes
There is something about you that I will always recognize
And if you don’t remember
I will try to remind you of the humming-
“Shit, JB, you’re busted.”
Phoebe broke the stance Julien was going for so well, when both girls noticed Lucy in the entrance of the living room, tears in her green eyes.
Julien had realized what she done.
“Hey, cupcake…” she said in an awkward voice.
Lucy didn’t respond. She just stood there watching Julien and the guitar.
“Why, Jules?”
The smaller woman couldn’t help but spilled, “I didn’t want to! Phoebe pressured me. I was so mad with how I was doing, and Pheebs decided that it would be best for-“
“YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME, JULIEN!” She shouted at her so loud that the tension was now in too deep.
Julien froze, unsure of what to say back. “Luce…I…I didn’t-“
Phoebe, knowing this was going to be a just the two of them moment, decided to head out. “Hey, I’m…going to get us some takeout, if it’s fine with both of you. Your usuals, right?”
They both nodded, and the blonde left quickly to leave them be.
After Phoebe left, both of them were now in a stand off. Julien felt guilt all over, and now she had to pay the price.
This was going to be a repeat of Halloween, wasn’t it?
Without saying anything, and knowing that the brunette was incapable of even thinking straight, Lucy left the room, angry and upset about all this.
“Lucy, wait.”
~
All Julien could do now was sit outside the bedroom door, hearing all of Lucy’s tears and crying coming out.
This really was going to be a repeat of Halloween.
She had put her ear in to hear everything. It hurt her to see (or in this case, hear) her beautiful cupcake like this. Julien didn’t mean to harm her in that way. Was there something about the song so deeply rooted to her that she just got mad at her and fled?
Or maybe there was something more to it?
The song is about the three of them after all.
Knowing that enough was enough, Julien used her thumbnail to open the door, successfully unlocking it, and entered the bedroom, Lucy still crying in their bed.
She crawled in the bed trying to get her attention. Her face squished under the soft velvet pillows, probably already ruined because of the dribble of tears coming out of it. She finally finds Lucy, her face a complete mess, but her brightness still the same.
Julien began kissing her neck in small pecks, which got a slight giggle from her. She went to her forehead, curling her dark black locks and kissing her forehead. And finally she went for her red warm lips, feeling how soft and sweet she was.
She hugged her tightly, not caring if she would pull away or not. She knew she would apologize eventually, it’s just a matter of when.
Lucy relished in her touch. After putting her fury, it felt nice to be touched, even if she still wasn’t feeling at her best. Yet, this was Julien Baker, her perfect beautiful musical and life partner, not just someone else.
She once again let her guard down and cries again. Julien noticed this, and repeats the pattern again.
All Lucy could do was render in a simple “I’m so sorry.”
“Luce, you don’t have to be.”
“Yes, Jules, I have every right to be mad. I just- I just didn’t want to hear it from you.”
“Why? Because it’s me? Or because you don’t want me to do it?”
The other girl flinched back. She didn’t want to do this, but now there was no other choice. She had to tell her now.
“Luce, please tell me what’s going on. Look, if you don’t want it, I’ll tell Phoebe to take it off, no questions.”
She took in consideration when she finally whispered softly.
“It’s about you.”
Julien was now more puzzled.
“The whole song, words and all. Yes, it’s about all three of us, but more importantly, it’s about you. It always was.”
Julien took a moment to take this all in. This confession really changes things about what she knew about it. She knew for a long while that it wasn’t possibly about their friendship alone, which it was, but what does she mean that it’s about her so forth?
“Lay down, baby, I’ll explain.”
And so the small woman laid down her head on her.
“God, where to start on this?”
“Just tell it from how you started writing it.”
And she did.
~
Originally, Lucy wrote it for herself in the event it would material for her next work. However, after rereading the lyrics, she thought it was too much and decided she wasn’t going to share it with anyone unless it was for future use.
Then there was Phoebe inviting her to her New Year’s Eve party. Obviously, the drinking and the festivities were too much for her to bare, and it was pretty clear that she wasn’t in a great position. When Phoebe told her what was wrong, she surrendered herself and sang the whole song in detail.
As she sang it and her soberness came back to her, she became well aware of what had happened. She loved her two friends dearly. One of them the literal definition of writing beyond her years, and the other, the one person she has been following and crushing on for the longest time. In the latter case, it just wasn’t possible. She had a whole girlfriend, she didn’t need to bring her down like that. But, as time went on, it felt like that it was written solely for Julien and Julien only. Sure, Phoebe is still important to this song’s structure, but when it came to Julien, especially after everything that happened to her personally and mentally, it just didn’t made sense to her anymore.
She knew something sparked in her when she played it for her for the first time, in the event that led to run away for six whole hours. She didn’t mean to hurt her in that way, but she knew she needed to hear it from her. To tell her she was so loved. To tell her that she is enough. That she was better in all of this than she will ever understand. The conversation she and Phoebe had with her the next day was one of the most intense conversations the three of them had had. But they knew that it had to be held, not for her sake, but for the three of them.
It would take Lucy another full year to finally admit that she still wanted Julien in her life…completely.
~
“Please forgive me, Jules.”
All Julien could do was stare at her. She sadly sighed at the thought that after all that time, she never got over her, even after every messed up thing she’s done. And how Lucy was the one who would always understand how the feeling of being seen meant. They really have come so far since they started making the record, hell it didn’t even feel so long ago, but they have gotten more smarter and braver with their actions around each other since.
“Oh Luce, is that why you were so afraid of me singing it?”
She nodded sadly, “You were great, but I just wasn’t ready to hear it like that.”
“I wish you could had told me, I was so scared when I saw you raise your voice like that.”
“I just didn’t know what to think of it.”
Silently, Julien stepped on her side and kissed her. Lucy hums into it, feeling herself getting butterflies all over her. She really loved this girl so much.
She breaks it off, both of them giggling over what had happened.
“I forgive you, cupcake, I really do. But I have to ask something.”
“What?”
“I’m proposing that, from now on, we will tell each other our secrets, the good and bad ones, without remorse and without compromise. I think we need to talk about our problems more without getting mad for no reason.”
There were a lot of emotions that were running through Lucy at this moment. However, this was something she couldn’t refuse, to prevent anything like this from happening again.
“Deal, babe.”
“AND, we will need to start singing each other’s songs more from now on. That way we can see how much we are improving by the day.”
Lucy couldn’t help but blushed at the compliment that was given to her. “That one will be hard, but I can try.”
Julien giggled and kissed her again. They were at it for a long while, until-
“Damn it, do I really have to see you two make out like this?”
It was Phoebe.
Of course she had to be a bother in a moment like this.
Julien noticed this, and she looked at Lucy, this time both of them getting the same idea. The former especially, when she told her.
“You’re here, Pheebs. Let’s eat. I think we have some change of plans on this show.”
Phoebe was now more confused.
“What the hell happened while I was gone?”
~
It was the next night, at The Shell.
They were settling in going on with the show. It was a nice crowd, not a lot, but still very much populated.
So far, it was going great. Everyone was enjoying themselves. They really wanted to make it last if they needed to.
Then came We’re in Love.
Lucy plummeted herself in the couch, laying down low (many “couch tour” comments were said, bringing back memories). She and Julien had the idea of reversing the layout of how it should be sung. She would sing it, she would lay there taking her time and hearing the words come out of her.
She looked at Julien, in the piano with her cap on, and felt like heaven looking like this.
And then the brunette began to sing.
You could absolutely break my heart
That’s how I know that we’re in love
I don’t need the symbol of a scar
So put down the knife, we’re not swapping blood
They could hear gasps and cries from the crowd. They thought Lucy was going to sing, but they definitely didn’t expect Julien herself to do it instead.
For Julien, it felt too much of a favor.
There was a moment in time where she thought it was too long.
There was a moment where she ran away for six hours because of it.
Now, there was a moment where she could sing it aloud, smiling at the woman she loved while she looks beautifully at her on the surface next to her.
This meant something else for everyone else.
But for them, it felt so much more than that.