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For most of his life, Troy had been convinced that he was straight. Girls were pretty enough and he’d always been told that he was supposed to be straight and … yeah. That was all the evidence he’d needed.
It didn’t matter that he had never had any romantic feelings for anyone. It didn’t matter that Troy was pretty repulsed by the idea of having sex. It didn’t matter that Troy felt like his straightness was more like a suffocating mask than anything real, anything authentic. None of that mattered.
Until it did.
“Annie, can I talk to you about something?” Troy asked while the two of them were walking to class.
Annie looked at him with a smile. “Of course. What’s up?”
“Uhm. What do you do when you … when you think you have feelings for a very close friend? And you don’t really know what to do, because you never expected to have those feelings, and it has come as a total surprise to you that you even like b– Uh … brunettes? And, so…” Troy trailed off, having kind of forgotten where this was supposed to be going.
Annie stopped and gently put a hand on Troy’s arm. “Troy …” Her tone was full of sympathy and regret. “I … I know I had a pretty obvious crush on you our first semester here, but I don’t feel that way anymore–”
“Oh, no, no, I wasn’t talking about you!” Troy said quickly.
Annie turned bright red. “Oh.”
“No, I was talking about … someone else.”
“Gosh, I am so sorry,” Annie said. “I … Wow, that’s really embarrassing…”
“It’s fine!” Troy assured her.
Annie let out a deep breath, clearly trying to gather herself. Then she knit her eyebrows together. “Wait, who were you talking about then? You don’t know that many brunettes.”
“Uh…” Troy didn’t know what to say. “We should probably get to class, right? Yeah, let’s go.”
He started walking quickly to their classroom, forcing Annie to jog after him. When they sat down in their seats, Annie whispered, “Are you in love with Shirley?”
Troy shook his head forcefully. And that was the end of that conversation.
“Oh my gosh, it’s Abed,” Annie said suddenly. It was the same day, a few hours later, and the two of them were sitting alone in the Study Room, waiting for the rest of the group.
“Huh?” Troy asked.
“You’re in love with Abed!” Annie said, way too loudly.
Troy shushed her. He was about to answer, when Abed came into the room. He sat down in his usual seat, thankfully seeming oblivious to the conversation that had just happened.
“Hey Troy. Hey Annie.”
“Hi,” Annie said.
“Hey,” Troy said, sending Abed a warm smile. Then he glanced over at Annie, who was sending Troy a knowing look. Troy’s cheeks warmed with embarrassment.
Later that day, when they got home, Annie walked over to Troy while he was cooking dinner for the three of them. Abed was in the Dreamatorium, so if Annie wanted to bring up her realization from earlier, she could. Troy hoped she wouldn’t.
“So… Abed, huh?” Annie said.
Troy sighed. So much for hope. “It … It doesn’t even matter, okay? Because he clearly doesn’t like me back.”
“What?” Annie gestured to Troy and Abed’s shared room. “Have you seen the two of you?”
Troy looked away from her and back to the food he was cooking. “We’re best friends. Just because we’re closer than, like, your typical male friendship doesn’t mean it’s romantic.”
“Yeah, I know” Annie said softly. “And your friendship is really beautiful. I didn’t mean to take away from that. I just mean that, considering how close you two are, it’s not impossible that Abed might like you back.”
Troy didn’t say anything.
“I think you should give it a shot, at least. What’s the worst that could happen?”
Those words hung in the air for a moment. Heavy and full of possibility. The possibilities of good things — but also really, really bad things.
“I think you know what the worst that could happen is.”
Annie sighed. “Yeah. Sorry.” She leaned against the counter and watched him cook. Eventually, she asked, “Why haven’t you mentioned before that you like guys? Not that it’s any of my business, of course.”
Troy shrugged. “I guess I didn’t know before I started falling for Abed.”
“Oh. Well, congrats on figuring it out.”
Troy smiled. “Thanks. Not that I’ve totally figured it out, but whatever.”
“What do you mean?”
“Like, I guess I like guys, since I like Abed. But … I …” Troy cleared his throat, feeling very awkward. “I don’t really like people … Uhm, sexually.”
“Oh!”
Troy refused to look at Annie. His cheeks felt like they were on fire. Why on Earth had he shared this with her?
Maybe he’d just wanted to tell someone, anyone, after keeping it secret for so long.
“Well … that’s fine,” Annie said. “Uhm, that probably means you’re asexual, right?”
“Probably.” Troy shrugged uncomfortably. “I haven't really looked into it.”
“Why not?”
Because that would make it real.
“I don’t know.”
“I can look into that stuff for you, if you want?” Annie asked. Troy looked over at her. She was smiling at him.
Troy smiled too. “Yeah, that’d be cool. Thanks.”
They stood in silence for a little bit, before Annie asked, “So … is Abed the first guy you’ve had a crush on or …?”
Troy nodded. “Yep. He’s the only person I’ve ever had a crush on.”
“Ever?”
Troy shifted, suddenly feeling uncomfortable again. “Yeah. I … I know that’s kind of unusual, but I just … don’t get those types of feelings that often. It’s probably because of the, you know … asexual thing.”
Annie hummed thoughtfully. “Yeah. Maybe.” Then she shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, you’re the only person I’ve ever had a crush on, so I don’t think it’s that unusual.”
“Huh. I guess not.”
Troy woke up when he fell out of bed.
It was a few weeks after he had come out to Annie. She had helped him look into more stuff about asexuality, which had finally given Troy the confidence to come out to Abed too. Abed had been really cool about it. It had been such a relief.
Then Troy had accidentally blurted out, “See, this is why I’m in love with you!”
He hadn’t meant to say that. At all. Sometimes he really did wish his mouth was further away from his brain.
Luckily for Troy, Abed liked him back. Like, he like liked him. Like, he was in love with Troy.
Ever since he and Abed had gotten together, they’d been sharing the bottom bunk more often than not. Sadly, there wasn’t enough room for them both, so Troy fell out of the bed several times a week. They could’ve just gotten a new bed, but Abed didn’t love change, so that was something they would have to wait with. (Also, it was really nice being so close to Abed, so Troy wasn’t in a rush to get a new bed either.)
On the floor, Troy groaned and sat up. Usually when this happened, he climbed up to the top bunk and slept for the rest of the night there, since he didn’t want to wake Abed. He was about to do that now, when he noticed that there was a light on in the living room.
“Annie?” Troy whispered, peeking his head out between the blankets that made up his and Abed’s door.
Sure enough, Annie was sitting by the dinner table, looking very intensely at something on her laptop. She looked up at him like a deer in headlights.
Troy stepped fully out of his room and walked over to her, sitting down in an empty chair opposite her. “Why are you up so early? Or … late? Have you slept at all?”
Annie shook her head weakly. “I just …” She gestured to her laptop.
“You just what?”
“I was just reading about something,” Annie mumbled. “And I guess I lost track of time.”
“What were you reading about?”
Annie was quiet for a moment. Then she turned her laptop around so Troy could see what she’d been looking at. It was an article titled, What is graysexuality and grayromanticism?
“I know I helped you with what you needed help with,” Annie whispered. “But as I was reading about asexuality, it just … It all felt so relatable, you know?”
Troy nodded slowly.
“So I kept looking into it, and … I think I might be on the asexual and aromantic spectrums.”
Troy had to suppress his urge to cheer and clap in joy. Finally figuring out his asexuality and getting together with Abed had both been amazing things, but he had still felt like he was missing something. A part of him had desperately wished for a friend who was like him, who understood his asexuality without needing an explanation first.
And here she was: his own roommate, a secret ace this whole time!
“That’s really cool, Annie,” Troy said, hoping he didn’t sound too excited. He didn’t want to make her uncomfortable or anything like that.
Annie sighed, a small smile on her lips. “Yeah?”
“I think so, at least.” Troy looked at the article. “So … Do you think you’re graysexual and grayromantic?”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure. It feels the most accurate out of all the labels I’ve been able to find, at least.” Annie turned her laptop around and closed it. “I … I know I feel attraction sometimes but very rarely. I thought that meant I wasn’t ace or aro. But obviously I was wrong.” She let out a little chuckle.
Troy smiled. “I’m really happy for you. For figuring it out. It’s really difficult.”
“Right?” Annie grinned. “Thank you, by the way, for being the reason I went down this rabbit hole.”
Troy chuckled. “You’re welcome.”
Annie bit her lip, looking like she had something she wanted to say.
“What is it?” Troy asked.
“Uhm …” Annie shifted, seeming a little uncomfortable. “I don’t want to, like, push a label onto you, but … do you think you might be demiromantic? I’ve been reading about that too, and what I was reading reminded me of what you’ve told me.”
“Oh.” Troy had thought that he’d figured everything out now that he’d finally accepted the label asexual. But maybe there was more to be discovered? “I don’t know. I mean, probably, right? Can we look at some articles about it or something like that tomorrow?”
Annie nodded, smiling. “Totally.”
“Cool. Thanks, Annie.”
“No problem.”
They both stood up. Annie walked around the table so she could give Troy a hug. Troy hugged her back fiercely.
“Good night, Troy.”
“‘Night, Annie.”