Work Text:
Chapter 1
Reki was smiling. He gently swept my hair behind my ear, and I shivered. There, in his eyes, was the look I’d always wanted to see. I’d dreamed of it, every day, since the day I’d realised I loved him three years ago.
He was smiling. He looked like……he loved me. There was no better way to describe the look in his eyes.
Love.
He leaned in, his hand still on my cheek. The kiss, when it came, was feather soft. Softer than I’d ever imagined he’d kiss me. I’d imagined he’s kiss me recklessly, passionately, without any finesse and only desperation. He would pull away and rest our foreheads together. He’d tell me he loved me, and I’d cry. Because I’d dreamed of this moment for so long.
But Reki kissed me gently. Barely a peck. His fresh, warm scent filled my nose for just a few seconds till he pulled away. I didn’t open my eyes. I was afraid he’d see everything in my expression.
‘Langa,’ he breathed, his breath moving my hair.
I opened my eyes. One look into his eyes and it was all over. I threw my arms around him, burying my face in his shoulder. His warmth instantly calmed me. I couldn’t imagine being the first to let go.
His arms came up, warm around me. He rubbed my back up and down, and I wanted to melt.
I wanted to stay here forever.
‘Come on, baby,’ Reki pulled away, and smiled at me. His eyes nearly disappeared with that eye smile of his. I loved it so much. ‘Let’s get going? We can just about catch dinner.’
I took his hand. ‘Okay sure,’ I grinned at him. ‘Let’s skate on the way there?’
Reki squeezed my hand. ‘You know it.’
I laughed, thrilled. I dragged him along to where I’d kept my backpack and board leaning against his bed.
I didn’t let his hand go for even a second. I didn’t care if he’d think I was needy. He was my best friend, he knew me the best in the world. He knew I was needy. What was the point in hiding anything from him? I loved that about him.
He chuckled, quietly. But he didn’t let my hand go as he bent over awkwardly to get his skateboard from under his bed. ‘Man, the best perk of being your boyfriend has got to be the fact that I don’t have to pretend like I’m not obsessed with you when you skate.’
I blushed. ‘Damn, this is too much.’
He turned. ‘Hmm?’
I pulled myself closer to him. ‘Don’t say things like that so soon.’ I begged. ‘Let me live.’
He laughed, pulling me into him. ‘Not a chance, Langa.’
Langa……. God I loved it when he said my name. In fact, I hated it when anyone who wasn’t him said my name. It only belonged on his lips.
Langa…..
Langa
Langa, Langa, Langa
‘LANGA!’
‘Fuck!’ he screamed, sitting up.
Reki glared down at him. ‘What the fuck are you doing still sleeping? Your class is in five minutes!’
Langa breathed heavily, still shaken from the rude awakening. His mind was still scrambled from his dream. Fuck, it all felt so real. So, so real……every time. Every single damn time. Arghh!
It was the millionth time he’d dreamt of him and Reki together and in love. At this point, you’d have figured his mind would have figured out not to put him through this because of how miserable it made him feel after, but noooooo. His brain had it out for him.
‘Ugh,’ Langa said, because he knew he needed to say something or Reki was gonna blow up again. He knew he was late, and that he needed to rush to make it to class on time, but his mind was still scrambled and reeling. Reki seemed to take his disorientation as some sort of grogginess, as he sighed deeply and stood, pulling him to his feet.
‘Woah!’ Langa said, suddenly vertical as he stumbled behind Reki without question. Reki walked fast, almost marching Langa down the hallway. They reached the door of the bathroom and Reki shoved Langa in.
‘Two minutes,’ he warned. Then he banged the door closed.
Langa stared it for a few seconds, before he turned around and tried to freshen up as fast he could. Used the toilet, brushed his teeth, dumped his clothes and changed, threw some water on his face. He couldn’t risk keeping Reki waiting any longer, or he was really gonna be peeved.
He dashed to his room, grabbing his backpack and shoving his tablet in. He skidded out and into the kitchen, hoping to grab a protein bar, at least.
‘Oy!’ Reki called, annoyed. He was standing at the apartment door, keys already in hand. ‘I packed you breakfast. Come on! One minute left!’
Langa grinned, vaulting over the back of the couch and nearly skidding on the carpet. ‘Have I told you how much I love you?’
‘Jesus Christ,’ Reki muttered, locking their apartment door. The back of his neck was red. ‘Just fucking go. This is like the third day in a row, dude.’
‘I know, I’m really sorry,’ Langa winced, as they jogged down the stairs and out of their apartment complex. Luckily, their complex was just a minute outside of campus gates. They wouldn’t be more than two minutes late if they RAN.
And run they did.
‘Hey wait!’ Langa said, realizing something suddenly. ‘Don’t you only have class at 10?’
‘Yeah doofus,’ Reki scoffed, trying to dig something out of his backpack as he jogged. ‘But I wanted to drop you off. I figured I’d study for a few hours at the library.’
See, this. This is why Langa was in love with this guy. This is why it had been three years, and he was still here, in love with this guy. Because he did shit like wake up early for him, and rush him to class, and make him breakfast. How? How was he supposed to not love him?
Reki came to a stop, just outside the computer science building. ‘Here!’ he said, shoving the Tupperware into Langa’s hands. ‘Stop staring, GO!’
‘Right!’ Langa startled, already sprinting. ‘Thank you! You’re a lifesaver!’
‘Whatever!’ Reki called, behind him. Langa couldn’t resist looking back.
Reki was standing there, smiling slightly. His hands buried in the pockets of his sweatshirt. His red hair was aflame under the morning sunlight, and he wasn’t wearing a headband. It should be impossible to look this fine at 8 am, Langa decided. He turned around and kept sprinting.
Luckily, he made it to class only a few minutes late, and thank God, his professor wasn’t here yet.
He slipped quietly into a seat towards the back of his class, immediately collapsing forward. He felt like shit. It was a different kind of shitty feeling, when you woke up late and rushed yourself to class. It made you feel out of sorts, and had the potential to ruin your whole day. But they didn’t happen too often to Langa, because he was usually never late. But it had already happened to him four times in the last month.
And it was all because of one thing. Or rather, one person.
Langa looked down at the box in his hands, and slowly pried it open. His professor showed no signs of arriving anytime soon, and he was hungry. He pulled the box open, fully expecting sandwiches.
Inside was a rolled omelette, some potato wedges, sausages and toast. Langa’s favourite type of breakfast.
He picked up a sausage, and stuffed it into his mouth angrily. See. THIS. What was he supposed to do?
His best friend and roommate woke up early, made him his favourite breakfast, and walked him to class. Was he ever going to find anyone who treated him this right? Probably not, to be honest. Reki was so fricking good to him. He didn’t deserve him honestly.
His professor came, and class began, but Langa was barely listening.
He knew he had a problem. And he knew he couldn’t ignore it anymore.
It had been a rough two months. He’d known it would be, but it was still so much harder than he’d imagined.
In their last year of high school, when they were forced to think about college and their future and shit, Langa had been at a loss at what to do.
His life consisted of his mother, Reki, his skateboard, and S. And it had been that way for three years. After winning against Adam in his freshman year of high school, he’d been the champion of S. But of course, that didn’t last long as new skaters joined and S became bigger than anyone could have ever imagined.
Langa didn’t mind. He didn’t need to be the best. Skateboarding for him wasn’t only about the competition. In fact, it wasn’t about the competition at all. It was about the fun of it. It was about the happiness it gave him. It was about the people he skated with. It was about the friends he’d made and kept through skateboarding. It was about Reki.
Looking back now, Langa wondered if those three years had been the best of his life. His days consisted of gong to school with Reki, studying, spending time at his classes with Reki, playing football with his classmates (and Reki), eating dinner and watching TV with his mom, going to S, hanging out with all his friends, and skating late into the night with Reki. They’d often hang out at Reki’s house, and his family was something of a second family to Langa. They’d go and hang out with Cherry, Joe, Shadow and Miya, and have skateboarding contests, and go on vacations, and destroy each other at Mario Kart.
Looking back now, Langa really missed it all. Halfway through his senior year, everyone in his class had started to think about the future, and what they wanted to do. Reki did too. Langa tried to as well, but he kept drawing a blank.
He had no idea what he wanted to do. He wasn’t like Reki. Reki knew he liked design and engineering. Reki had already thought of engineering as his college major. He was looking at universities, he was studying harder.
Langa didn’t know much about the future other than the fact that he wanted to stay near Reki, and skate, and meet his friends and his mom. He was a simple guy like that.
Reki had known this, and had tried to introduce him to different careers. Langa hadn’t particularly loved any of them, and Reki had finally told him to aim for a job that would make decent money and give him plenty of free time.
‘Hold on,’ Reki had said, slipping his laptop into his lap. ‘I’m pretty sure there’s a good Computer science course at the university I’m looking at.’
Langa had frozen. ‘Wait, does that mean we could go to the same University?’
Reki looked up at him, pausing. ‘I mean, if we both get in, yeah.’
Langa felt like someone had injected him with fire. ‘Well shit,’ he scrambled to sit next to Reki. ‘Let’s do what it takes for me to get in now.’
‘Wait, had you not thought about going to university together?’ Reki questioned, baffled.
‘I hadn’t thought that far ahead!’ Langa defended, scrolling down on the page on Reki’s laptop. ‘But now that I have, I know I need to make this happen. I can’t imagine going to college without you.’
‘Alright,’ Reki smiled. ‘Lets do it.’
And that had been the beginning. Langa had known things were going to change. College was going to be so different. They were moving out, and further from home than they’d ever been before. They were gonna move into a new place, and live in a new town, and make new friends. Their friends from back home wouldn’t be there, and classes were gonna be hard.
Langa knew everything was going to change. But he’d been excited, because he was doing it with Reki by his side. They’d already decided to get an apartment close to campus. They’d already planned how they were gonna decorate the place, and who’d get the bigger bedroom. They’d scouted skate parks. They’d planned out meals, and groceries, and cleaning, and class schedules.
They had both been excited. Reki tried not to show it, but Langa knew he was beyond thrilled to move to the city, and meet new people. He hadn’t been too keen on it himself, in the beginning , but Reki’s infectious enthusiasm had caught on, and anyway, he was gonna go where Reki went. That, at least, was clear.
He’d known it was gonna be new, and different. But fuck, he hadn’t expected it to be this hard. Waking up for his 8 am classes were pure torture. Washing dishes made him feel like he wanted to kill himself. He hadn’t made any real friends in his major. The laundromat down the road had been closed for two weeks. He felt out of place among his peers at college. And worst of all, he barely saw Reki.
Reki, meanwhile, had settled into college like a fish in water. Reki had already made a bunch of firm friends in his engineering classes. Reki had joined the Woodworking club, and the Anime club. Reki was so busy with his study groups and his clubs, he only came home to the apartment at night.
Langa knew it was good. This was all he’d ever wanted for his best friend. For him to do something he was passionate about, to make new friends, to have fun experiences.
But…… he just. He missed him, okay?
And he’d been trying so hard not to feel this ugly emotion……..but he was jealous. He was jealous of Reki’s new life. He was jealous of the people who got to spend time with Reki in class, and at his club.
It used to be him. It used to be Langa who would spend every waking moment by Reki’s side. It used to be him, who would get all of Reki’s attention, and his smiles, and his kindness and warmth.
He knew it was petty, and pathetic, to feel this way. This was college, for god’s sake. This is what college was about! It was about studying what you wanted to, it was about meeting new people, and having new experiences.
But who was he kidding? Langa was not feeling the love.
Langa was feeling the pain of being far from home. Far from his mom, his friends, and from S. He was feeling the withdrawal from not skating every day. Because if Reki wasn’t there, then what was the point? He was missing Reki.
He knew Reki was feeling it too. That’s why he’d woken up early just to drop him off and make him breakfast. And he’d slept so late too! Reki had done this for him.
No, it wasn’t Reki’s fault. It wasn’t Reki’s fault that Langa felt lonely, or that he hadn’t made any real friends, or that he felt out of place, and alone. It wasn’t Reki’s fault that he had no interest in his course, and that he missed home so terribly he didn’t feel motivated to do anything.
It wasn’t Reki’s fault he hadn’t joined any clubs yet, or that he spent any time he wasn’t in class sleeping, or watching anime. They hadn’t even been able to watch anime together recently, because Reki had been busy.
None of this was Reki’s fault. It was Langa’s. It was Langa who wasn’t trying hard enough to make friends, who wasn’t interested enough in his classes.
And how had his brain decided to cope?
By intensely imaging and projecting himself into his fantasies.
This was the definition of avoiding his problems and living in his own fantasy world. But….sometimes it was hard. Somedays he was lonely. And he lost himself too deeply into dreams.
He knew he had a problem.
He knew his crush was getting worse.
He knew he was just trying to escape from his uncomfortable present into a dreamland where he and Reki were in love, and together, and he didn’t have to worry about anything else.
Hmm. Sometimes being self aware really sucked ass.
His part-time job was really the only thing in his life that was looking up. He was working in the sports shop, down the road from their apartment complex. It was small, and cozy, and he really liked the old man that was the manager there.
Great, so his only friend was an old man.
Langa sighed again, resting his chin in his hand. He squinted at the board, trying to see what his professor was teaching. Something about differentials.
And that was another thing! Langa loved maths, and physics. And computer. He’d worked his ass off and gotten into this university on scholarship. Granted, it had been a sports scholarship, but that shit was crazy competitive. He’d had to study so hard for it. The thing about sports scholarships in Japan was that there was so few of them.
Oh god, that was another thing. He’d stopped going to football practice. He’d only been thrice.
It had been a month since the last one. He knew he ought to go back. He’d gotten into this university thanks to football, for Christ’s sake. This university had a football team that was once of the best collegiate teams in the country. He knew he was a good player. He knew he needed to go back to practice, regardless of how awkward he felt there.
He didn’t have Reki to break the ice for him. And all the boys there judged him so much. And the coach was so harsh. And the training was pretty rigorous, he knew. After that first practice, he had told the coach he needed some time to settle into college and not fail his classes. Coach had reluctantly agreed.
That had been exactly a month ago. Langa didn’t feel any closer to wanting to go back.
See, he knew his problems were quite trivial in the face of things. He knew some motivation and discipline would solve everything. He knew that……but he was tired okay?
Everything was so new. And different. And hard to get used to.
Reki might be a natural at this, but Langa had always needed time.
He knew he should talk to Reki about all this. But he didn’t want to worry him. He didn’t want Reki to feel bogged down by his dumb best friend.
He wanted Reki to have everything he wanted.
Huh. The lecture was over. It was break time. Langa would feel bad about not having listened to a single word, but he was so over it.
He felt like wallowing a little.
He wasn’t settling in. He missed home. He was hopelessly in love with his best friend. He was feeling left behind. Life kinda sucked.
And that was okay. He wasn’t beating himself up over it. He wasn’t going to pretend everything was fine. He’d learnt a lot of things over the years.
He opened the box in his lap and tried not to tear up as he had his delicious breakfast. God, he truly didn’t deserve Reki sometimes. He needed to be a better best friend, honestly. When was the last time he’d done the dishes? Definitely not for the past few days.
And somehow, a whole day of classes passed by in a blur. The computer science block was all the way on the other side of the campus from engineering, so Langa didn’t even hope to bump into Reki.
He pulled up the hood on his sweatshirt as he passed the football court. He didn’t feel like anyone recognizing him.
He hoped he wouldn’t meet anyone on his way home. God must have been listening, because he didn’t.
He trudged into his and Reki’s apartment.
He did the dishes first. He took a shower. And then he crawled into bed, put on his favourite anime, and fell asleep halfway through the first episode.