Chapter Text
Remus jumped off of his bed. He had the same dream everynight, and every morning, he woke up all flustered and blushing. It was quite embarrassing, actually. He always casted a silencing spell before going to sleeping because he was afraid the other marauders would hear him. You never know what you can say while you're asleep.
He was at the bar with a beer and was sitting alone. He looked a Marlene and Mary dancing together, and James with professor McGonagall. And he was soooo bored. But then, a beautiful amazing stranger with dark curls grabbed his hand and took him in the middle of the dancefloor. They danced for a minute, or maybe an hour, Remus didn't know, but it didn't feel enough. He wanted more. He wanted to dance all night, all eternity. The room was distorted too. Then the beautiful stranger grabbed him by the hand again and they left the weird place. The mysterious woman and Remus left on a motorbike and it was great and the shooting stars fell around them. They arrived at the lady's flat, and then the woman laughed a bit and grinned. It was beautiful, her laughed felt like a waterfall, or crystal. And they kissed. And the girl took off her clothes.
The girl had a dick.
And the girl was Sirius.
Remus, still ashamed, removed his silencing spell. He opened the curtains of his bed. James and Sirius already left to quidditch practice and Pete wasn't there. He opened the window, and lightened a cigarette. He got it from a girl named Dorcas Meadowes, a surprisingly nice Slytherin who sold different sorts of drugs and cigarettes. She had taken a liking to him and gave him some weed and some fags from time to time, since they sometimes ended up on detention together.
The view from the Griffyndor tower was stunning. Remus breathed and the cold february air got into his throat, burned his lungs. Soon it would be his birthday, then James birthday, then the OWLS, then...summer break. Summer break was complicated. Remus would go in a foster home, probably. James offered to take him, and Remus was grateful, but it was complicated, the law was complex and it would be a pain in the ass to do all of the juridical shit. Plus Remus didn't want to live for 2 months with Sirius and James. Of course he loved them, but he would eventually feel excluded. As usual. And everytime Sirius and James would give each other notes during classes, everytime they would go to quidditch practice and come back joking, everytime they'd form a duo in potions, everytime Sirius would sneak in James's bed and they'd talk for hours, Remus would feel a strangely heavy weight on his chest. He wasn't jealous. Well maybe partly. But not entirely. He just didn't understand.
And (maybe) more importantly, Remus didn't want to lose contact with muggle world. He had friends back there, different friends that understood him in a different way. And the music, and the culture was so much different. It felt nice to have something only for you. The other marauders didn't know this part of his life, and after every summer break, Remus would play mysterious and cool. London, real London, with Piccadilly and Soho and Chinatown, that was his, it was private and none of the other boys knew about it.
Then he thought of that dream. That dream, which meant nothing, right ? It's just a dream, if could have been James, or Lily, or Pete... Anybody. It didn't mean anything. Dreams are meaningless. And who cares if Remus had that dream every night, and it made his heart rush and his cheeks blush and... No. Nonono. Not now. That didn't mean anything either. Right ? Just a stupid dream. He embraced the view one last time then closed the window and left his dorm.
* * *
He got down the stairs and looked at the common room. It was sunday morning, so Pete was playing chess with Marlene. He moved his queen :
"- Aaannd checkmate !
-Raaah, Marlene shouted, I can't believe you did this so easily, Pete. You're fucking unbeatable !"
Remus came closer and said :
"-Well I won once.
-Common Lupin, that was in second year ! You gotta stop bragging about this or I'll turn you into a... Into a rat. Oh and one day I'll beat your ass, Pettigrew. Anyway, 'mgonna... Go to the library. Seeyah."
She kissed them both on their cheeks and left.
"-Hey Wormtail.
-Hey Moony. Feeling okay ?
-Yup, better than Yesterday, thanks to y'all. The first night after is always a bit rough but I'm fine."
Two nights ago was full moon. It was okay at first but it got painful, really painful. More than it ever had hurt before.
Then he saw Lily. She saw him to and lightened.
"-Remus ! How are you ?
-I'm okay, thanks."
Lily was the only one who knew about his "little furry problem" (except for the marauders). She discovered It on 4th year, because...well she was smart. It was nice.
Lily was nice. If you could use one word to describe her, it was nice. She was beautiful, funny, smart, witty, but she was above everything sweet and nice. Remus really felt like himself with her. Most of the time he felt like himself, of course but sometimes with the marauders he was... They were just all so sociable, extroverts, even Peter. Remus wasn't shy, he was even the least shy of them. But he was quite reserved and didn't like people that much. Lily made him feel himself and very different at the same time. It was always...nice. Lily asked :
"-Did you finish the book I lended you ?
-You bet I did ! It was bloody great ! I mean, I was like "Laurie, no marry Jo !", cause I hate Amy, but Jo's much better with...
-Watcha talking about ?" James and Sirius were there, with their brooms. Lily didn't pay attention to them and said :
"-What ? How Come you HATE Amy ? I mean she's spoiled but she doesn't deserve to be hated.
-Oi Evans, how are you ?"
Lily raised her eyebrows but continued to ignore him.
"-But i definitely agree with you, Jo's much much better...
- Evans, do you want to go on a date with me ?"
She sighed loudly.
"- And Beth ! Poor Beth ! I mean she was lovely...
-Come on, just a date ! You can't say you dont like it until you tried.
-Won't you just shut up, Potter ? I wont date you, because you're an arrogant prick, a fucking brat, and I'm trying to have a conversation with my friend. And you, you..."
As Lily continued, Sirius and Remus looked at each other, amused. James was quite stupid chasing after her, since she clearly didn't want him. Sirius came closer.
"-So what were you talking about ?
-Oh, just some muggle book.
-What is it about ?
-Why do you care ?
-I just wanna know."
He pursed his lips.
"- Pff... It's about four sisters, and...
-I'm sorry, Remus, I can't do this, Lily bursted, I'll see you later, 'right ? And don't follow me you bloody twat, or I'll.."
James followed her and Sirius and Remus laughed a bit. When he stopped, Sirius took a serious look.
"-So, how are you feeling ?"
Remus sighed. He got up 20 minutes ago, and already 3 people asked him that.
"-You know, it's quite fucking annoying that y'all ask me how i feel every day before and after the moon, he whispered, I'm bloody fine, ok ?
-Moony, Sirius looked at him with his blue, clear, deep eyes, I was there two nights ago, and maybe the others are oblivious, but I saw it happen. It was bad, wasn't it ? "
He gently touched Remus' shoulder, who felt a shiver.
"- It was. Thanks, Pads.
-Wanna go smoking ?
-Just had one 5 minutes ago.
-Since when did that stop you ?
-Never said it did. Lets go."
They were at the same window Remus always smoked at.
"-Can I tell you about something, Moony ?
-Anything.
-You know how... My family is and stuff. And you know I have a brother.
-Yes, Regulus, you talk about him all the time.
-No I don't !
-Yes you do.
-Do I ? Doesn't feel that way to me.
-You think you're so mysterious, don't you Black ? You talk a lot. Like a LOT. Anyway, what about him ?
-Yeah. Well, you gotta promise you won't tell James, because he's just gonna... Nevermind. Anyway, I'm afraid my parents are... You know... Hurting him."
Ok so it was serious topic. Remus focused.
"-What makes you think that ?
-Well he has really short hair recently and he never liked short hair.
-Maybe he just has different taste.
-No, you don't get it. My mom used to... Cut our hair to punish us, he said, not quite looking Remus in the eyes.
Oh.
And suddenly Remus unerstands why Sirius cares so much about his hair. Yeah, it makes sense why Sirius never let Marlene cut her hair
"And...and everytime he comes back from holidays, he looks... Different. And, at quidditch practice, you know how we're before Slytherin on the pitch, and the quidditch uniform is a bit shorter, well we came across the slytherin and I think I saw some scars on his legs but I'm not sure, and I just, I'm gonna, I don't know what to do...
-You're freaking out. Calm down. Breathe."
Sirius had always spoke quite ill about his brother, but deep down he cared, Remus guessed.
"- It's just... I feel like I left him and it got worse. Before, I protected him but since I moved at the Potters...And maybe he's racist, I never knew, he never talked back to out parents but he never said bad stuff, maybe he's a fucking blood supremacist, but it's my brother and... I don't want him to get hurt.
- Calm down.
-Please don't tell James. You know he'll just want to solve the problem and he'll probably ask him to come live at the Potters or something. And I want to do the right thing, but... I don't want him to hate me.
-It's okay, you'll find a solution. We'll think about it.
-Thanks Moony. I can tell you anything, you know ? Things I wouldn't tell anyone else.
oh god. That was nice. Remus felt his heart beating.
"-Well. Since you can tell me anything, can I ask you a question ?
-anything for my Moony.
- Er.. do-Do you think dreams have signification, a meaning ? Like the things you dream are the things you want ?
-Why?
-Well, I have this weird dream, and it's like... A girl I don't fancy, and she's my friend, but in the dream, it's... different.
-Are you talking about Lily ?"
Remus felt a wave of shame and self-hate when he nodded. He wasn't bothered with lying but Sirius was his best friend...
Sirius laughed.
"-Do-do you fancy her or something ?
-No ! I said I didn't. But the dreams are... weird.
-Do you shag ?
-What ? Sirius, no, we're fucking fifteen ? I mean, what ?
-I mean if you did, I'd understand. Shagging must be cool. And i'm sixteen, by the way.
"-Forget about this. But... do you think dreams have meanings ?
-Mmh, he thought, I guess. But it doesn't mean you want the things that happened in the dream, or that it's gonna happen to you. It might have a different meaning, you know. Like maybe you want something else, maybe you don't want it. But it has a meaning. Always."
-Okay. Thanks. Don't tell anyone about this by the way.
-Oh I'm gonna tell everyone about this. You know what, I'm gonna tell Lily about it. Lily !''
Well "Lily" already knows, she was told just now, Remus thought. He felt the urge to change topic.
"-Did you finish the homework of McGonagall ?
-The one about animagi ? It was really difficult, I didn't know what to write. I mean I don't know anything about animagi.
-... You finished it, right ?
-Yes I did. Is it due for tomorrow ?
-Think so... "
Remus felt lighter talking about normal stuff. He kept thinking about his dream, or the summer, or his painful transformation. He suddently started to think of his dream again and got embarassed. I mean, it's not normal to dream about your bestfriend's cock, is it ? Oh god. What if Sirius read minds? He would totally think Remus was a creep. Oh, he was starting to freak out.
"-You know what ? I should see if Lily's still alive or if James kidnapped her. see you bye ! " He left in a rush, almost running away, and Sirius watched him.