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Being stuck at home while your boyfriend was off at college sucked.
The college he went to was only an hour away, so it was nothing too crazy. They still got to see each other once or twice a month. Plus, not only did Soonyoung go to the same college as Wonwoo but they were also roommates. Every time he facetimed either one of them, he got to talk to both. It was nice.
The only issue was that because of the distance, they couldn’t really visit each other just for a day. Which led to a lot of begging from Jihoon to go stay with them for the weekend. His brother was good friends with their RA and could easily get a visitor pass for Jihoon. Really, he just needed to convince their parents.
With enough begging, Seungcheol and Jeonghan cut Jihoon a deal. If he got a 100 on his upcoming science test, not only could he go but he could also skip school on Friday and go then.
Jihoon had never studied harder in his life. He knew the whole unit front to back, there was no way he was going to get anything less than perfect. The studying paid off, because he came back with a perfect grade of 105 including the bonus.
Jihoon texted his parents the picture of his grade the moment the paper hit his desk. He was practically vibrating with excitement. The second he got home, he was emptying his backpack and filling it with clothes and everything else he would need to stay with his brother and boyfriend for a little while.
Friday morning, he was out of bed before his alarm could go off. Half the time he would sleep right through it. Even then, normally someone would still have to come get him out of bed. Which is why he wasn’t surprised to see the shocked expression on Seungcheol’s face when the man entered his room without knocking. “Oh, you’re up” he stated.
“Can we go now?” Jihoon immediately asked, already ready with his shoes on and all.
Seungcheol laughed “Give me a few minutes, bug. I’ll get you there, don’t worry” he said “Give me your wallet, kiddo”
Now it was Jihoon’s turn to look confused. That was a bit of an abrupt and strange request “What? Why?”
“Just trust me, bug. It’s easier this way” Seungcheol said.
Jihoon had absolutely no idea what Seungcheol was talking about. But at the end of the day, he trusted his father. So he took his wallet from his pocket and passed it to Seungcheol. With that, the man headed back downstairs.
He called Jihoon down when he was ready to go, but didn’t give his wallet back yet. It was odd, but Jihoon decided to not question it as he got into his dad’s truck.
The drive was mainly quiet, soft music playing through the radio as they drove. The traffic wasn’t terrible, but the drive still felt ten years long to Jihoon. Maybe because he wanted to be there so bad.
Jihoon had been to campus once before to help Wonwoo move in, so he knew what it looked like. That, and all the facetimes with Soonyoung made it feel like he already knew the whole school like the back of his hand. Seungcheol parled in the same lot he did when they were helping Wonwoo, which made it a lot easier for him to know where he was. Finally, he pulled Jihoon’s wallet from his pocket and gave it back.”Open it once your out of the car, okay?”
“Why are you being so weird about this?” Jihoon questioned.
“You’ll see, bug. It’s easier this way, I promise”
Jihoon nodded, although he really didn’t know what Seungcheol was talking about. He picked up his bag, opening the door of the truck to get out “Bye, Dad. Love you.”
“I love you too. Have fun, kiddo” Seungcheol said as Jihoon got out of the truck, shutting the door behind him.
The first thing he did once his father drove away was open his wallet. Honestly, he was expecting that maybe Seungcheol slipped him some money- although he didn’t really get why he’d be so secretive about it.
However, instead of there being money, there were two wrappers and a note. Taking them out, he read the note that said You’ll thank me later! Be safe! and that’s when he finally realized what he was holding.
Condoms.
His face flushed red before he shoved them back into his wallet. Despite being with Soonyoung for over a year now, they still hadn’t had sex. They kissed a whole lot, made out even…but nothing further than that.
That’s not to say they hadn’t tried. Soonyoung used to ask him once every few weeks. Jihoon would always respond with the same answer of I’m not ready. Eventually, Soonyoung stopped asking and the subject was completely dropped. Until now, that is.
It wasn’t something he talked about often by any means, but every time someone learned he was still a virgin they just about lost their minds with shock. He didn’t get it- why does everyone care about his sex life? Apparently now it’s gotten to the point where even his own father was expecting him to have sex.
…Maybe he should be having sex then. He’s a legal adult and so is his boyfriend, they’ve been dating for over a year, and he knew that it was something Soonyoung wanted to do.
He shoved the thought to the back of his mind, instead texting Soonyoung that he had been dropped off so his boyfriend could come get him.
He was greeted by Soonyoung with a tight hug before the other was taking his bag from him, absolutely insisting that he should be the one to carry it as they walked to his room.
The dorm was definitely cleaner than Jihoon had been expecting. He knew exactly what state that room was previously in due to the amount of time he spent on facetime with both Soonyoung and Wonwoo. He was going to be sharing a bed with Soonyoung, even though it was a twin mattress. Definitely not enough room for two people unless they were pressed up right against each other.
Jihoon wasn’t too sure how to feel about it. He wasn’t the biggest fan of pda…and his brother was going to be in a bed about five feet away from them. Either way, he would just have to deal with it.
Wonwoo wasn’t at the dorm currently- no, his brother was a nerd and decided to take Friday classes for some reason. Meaning it was just Jihoon and Soonyoung. He thought he would be over the moon excited to be here, but he couldn’t stop thinking about what his father had put in his damn wallet.
He still had his wallet in his hands, fidgeting with the flaps of it as he sat on Soonyoung’s bed. How was he even supposed to bring this up? It was already awkward as is.
Thankfully, Soonyoung always seemed to read him well. “What’re you thinking about?” Soonyoung asked, setting Jihoon’s bag down on one of the chairs.
Jihoon looked up, unsure how to say everything he wanted. How do you explain to your boyfriend that you want to have sex, but you didn’t actually want to have sex? It didn’t even make sense to himself. Instead, he settled on “I think I’m ready”
Soonyoung quirked an eyebrow “…ready?” he questioned
Jihoon felt his face heating up before any words left his mouth. He couldn’t bring himself to say it. Instead, he pulled the condoms out of his wallet and held them up for Soonyoung to see. “ready” he repeated.
He wished he didn’t feel guilty the moment Soonyoung’s facial expression turned to one of excitement. Soonyoung had been waiting so long, and so patiently just for this. Jihoon felt bad for withholding it for so long.
“Really?” Soonyoung replied, clearly trying (and failing) to hide his excitement.
Jihoon nodded “Just…go slow?” he said. He could feel nerves building up in his gut already. The more they talked about it, the less he actually wanted to do it. Part of him wanted to go back home just to avoid this interaction.
“Of course, baby” Soonyoung said without hesitation, moving to be standing at the edge of the bed. He took the condoms and wallet from Jihoon, setting them on the small table next to his bed. His hands then moved to gently hold Jihoon’s face, pressing their foreheads together lightly “You want to do this now?” Soonyoung asked.
Jihoon wanted to say no so badly. He didn’t want to do this at all, actually. He was pretty sure of it now. He knew if he said that, Soonyoung would immediately back off…but that just made him feel more guilty. Soonyoung was always the perfect boyfriend. He was always there for him, did everything Jihoon ever needed and more. Yet Jihoon couldn't do this one thing for him.
So instead of voicing any of that, Jihoon nodded.
“Words, baby. I need words” Soonyoung responded.
“Ye-“ before Jihoon could even finish the word, Soonyoung’s lips were on top of his. They had kissed plenty of times. This was familiar, this was something Jihoon could do.
It wasn’t long before the kiss was increasing in intensity. Soonyoung pushed Jihoon to be laying down on the bed, crawling on top to straddle him without separating for a second. Jihoon tried to stay in the moment, focusing on what was happening now instead of panicking about what was to come.
Finally, Soonyoung pulled away and Jihoon was panting, both of their lips shining with saliva. Jihoon barely had time to process they had separated before Soonyoung pulled off his own shirt, throwing it on the floor before tugging at Jihoon’s “Off” was all he said.
Jihoon leaned up so Soonyoung could pull off his shirt. He had only been in front of Soonyoung shirtless a few times. Normally it didn’t make his heart race out of his chest, but right now he could feel each beat in his throat. Soonyoung’s hands were all over him the moment his shirt was off. Running up and down his torso, squeezing and scratching in all the wrong places. Or maybe they were the right places. Jihoon didn’t know.
“Still okay, love?” Soonyoung checked.
Soonyoung really was too good for him, Jihoon decided. He wanted to answer truthfully, but he couldn’t. Not when he made Soonyoung wait for over a year and then got his hopes up. It would feel cruel to tell him no now. “I’m good” Jihoon lied.
Soonyoung picked right back up where he left off, kissing the absolute life out of Jihoon. Eventually his lips left Jihoon’s, moving to kiss down his jaw and side of his neck. Jihoon could do nothing but lie there and let Soonyoung leave a few marks as he kissed all the way down to Jihoon’s chest.
Then, Soonyoung’s hands were sliding lower, and lower, and lower and Jihoon just couldn’t do this anymore.
“Stop!” he said, admittedly rather abruptly. He finally moved to push Soonyoung off of him by the shoulders, sitting up and pushing himself back against the wall. “I can’t- just stop!”
Soonyoung had clearly been caught off guard by the sudden reaction. “Hey hey, what happened? Are you okay?” Soonyoung immediately asked. reaching out to comfort his panicked boyfriend.
“No!” Jihoon shouted, leaning away from Soonyoung “I need-“ he started, nearly throwing himself off the bed “I need space!” he demanded. His therapy was coming in handy now. Before, this was when he’d start throwing before dropping to the floor and screaming until he couldn’t anymore.
Thankfully, Soonyoung seemed to get the hint that the best thing he could do right now was listen. “Okay, okay. I’ll be in the bathroom, just tell me when you’re ready.” was all he said before sliding off the bed and moving to lock himself into the small bathroom.
Jihoon’s chest was heaving, flapping his hands as he paced back and forth in an attempt to calm down.
At the worst time possible, the door to the dorm swung open “I’m back early-“ Wonwoo’s voice came as he stepped through the door.
“Get out!” Jihoon immediately shouted at his brother. He felt bad the moment he did it, but he needed to be alone right now.
“And nevermind” Was all Wonwoo said, stepping back and closing the door without his hand ever leaving the doorknob.
There wasn’t much space in the dorm room, meaning Jihoon was essentially pacing the whole length of the room. The downstairs neighbors were probably confused as hell hearing his footsteps, but he couldn't care at the moment.
He felt like shit, to say the least. What the hell was wrong with him? He and Soonyoung had been dating for over a year and he still didn’t feel comfortable enough to go all the way. Soonyoung deserved better than that, didn’t he? Soonyoung deserved worlds better. Jihoon could never seem to be good enough for Soonyoung. A perfect example of that was right now, with Soonyoung locked in the small bathroom of his own living space because Jihoon couldn’t handle being touched by his lover without freaking out.
He didn’t know how much time had passed before he felt calm enough to sit down. He sat on the floor, back pressed against the wall with his knees pulled up to his chest. He looked at the two shirts on the floor next to him, frowning at the reminder of everything that had just happened. He reached out to grab one of them, pulling it over his head so he wasn’t half naked anymore. Selfishly, he took Soonyoung’s instead of his own. He knew damn well that Soonyoung would probably not fit into his own shirt, but if Soonyoung was going to break up with him over this he wanted at least one shirt to hang on to.
Soonyoung probably should break up with him. All Jihoon ever did was weigh him down. It wasn’t fair to him, he should have a partner that could go through basic activities without having a breakdown. Not to mention Jihoon lived an hour away now, and demanded so much of Soonyoung’s attention. They facetimed for hours upon hours, normally falling asleep together on call. Surely Soonyoung had better things to be doing.
The more Jihoon thought about it, the more upset he got. Before he knew it, he was crying alone on the floor in what he thought was his soon-to-be-ex’s shirt.
The bathroom door creaked open, Soonyoung’s face just barely visible through the crack. “Jihoon? Can I come out now?” he asked gently.
“Please” was all Jihoon could respond with, wiping at his eyes.
Soonyoung silently came to sit next to him. If he noticed Jihoon wearing his shirt, he didn’t say anything. “Can you tell me what happened?” he asked after a moment, leaning his head back against the wall as he looked at Jihoon.
Jihoon sniffled, trying to decide on what to say “I’m just…I’m not ready” was all he answered with.
Soonyoung frowned. Seeing it felt like being stabbed in the heart, knowing that he was the one to cause it. “Did you know that you weren’t ready before we started?” he asked
Jihoon looked down at his lap, nodding slowly. “I thought I could get over it.” he admitted.
Soonyoung leaned forward, moving to gently place a hand on Jihoon’s shoulder. When Jihoon showed no signs of moving away, he wrapped his arm around his boyfriend to pull him closer. “Hoon, there’s nothing to get over .” he began “If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. It’s okay, I can wait.”
He knew Soonyoung was trying to comfort him, but it was just making him feel more guilty. Why did Soonyoung have to be so damn perfect? “But what if I’m never ready!? Then what!?” he snapped slightly.
“Then you’re never ready” Soonyoung answered simply.
“Why aren't you mad at me!?” Jihoon continued, finally looking up st Soonyoung again.
“Do you want me to be mad at you?” Jihoon didn’t answer, instead staring blankly at Soonyoung “Because I am mad at you right now”
This was familiar, Jihoon knew how to handle people being mad at him. He could deal with this. As fucked up as it may sound, it was easier for him to process someone being mad at him rather than pateience. “I’m sorry” he replied “I really am. I want to do this for you! I just can’t, I don't know what’s wrong with me.”
Soonyoung sighed “That’s not why I’m mad at you.” he said “And there is nothing wrong with you.”
Now Jihoon was confused. Why else would Soonyoung be mad at him? “…do you want your shirt back?”
Finally, Soonyoung smiled again. He huffed out a bit of laughter before saying “You’re ridiculous.” Jihoon felt his face turning red. “I’m mad at you because you tried doing something you knew you didn’t want to because you thought it would make me happy.” he clarified.
Oh. That’s not at all what Jihoon was thinking. “But you always do so much for me”
“I do that because I want to.” Soonyoung said “I like doing things for you, that’s what makes me happy.”
“I want to do things for you too!” Jihoon responded with “Plus everyone already thinks we…y’know” he trailed off with a bit of a shrug.
“Is that what this is about?” Soonyoung questioned “You know I don’t care what everyone else thinks? So what, dude.” Only Soonyoung would call his boyfriend dude . “If you never want to have sex, then we won't.”
“But aren't we supposed to?” Jihoon questioned. He had never heard of a couple not having sex- hell, most people his age were bragging about it and had been for years now. He just never got the hype.
“Says who?” Soonyoung replied “Have you ever thought that maybe you’re just ace?”
Jihoon furrowed his eyebrows. He had no idea what Soonyoung meant “like…the cards?”
Soonyoung laughed “No, like asexual, dude” he replied, watching as Jihoon’s facial expression remained confused. “You’ve seriously never heard of that?” he asked, still receiving no reaction. “It’s like- it just means you don’t feel sexual attraction. It’s normal.”
Jihoon shook his head “But I’m attracted to you! ” he said. He didn’t want to seem like he wasn’t attracted to Soonyoung. Why else would they be together?
“Sexually?” Soonyoung questioned “Or romantically? Because you can have one without the other. “
“You can?” Was Jihoon’s immediate response. “But I like you more than that too! I never lied. When I’ve said you’re cute and everything, I meant it”
“That doesn’t make you sexually attracted to me, that means you think I’m attractive. There’s a difference.” Soonyoung continued to explain, and things were slowly starting to make sense.
“Oh.” Was all Jihoon could think to say.
The two sat in silence for a little while after that, leaning on each other and enjoying finally being together in person. Soonyoung finally broke the silence with “Can you text your brother? He’s been on my ass, y’know”
“About what?”
“About the fact that you were bugging out when he walked in and he thinks it's my fault” Soonyoung said with a bit of a laugh.
Jihoon flushed red. He had forgotten about that. “Shit, sorry” he mumbled, pulling his phone from his pocket to text Wonwoo.
The rest of the weekend went by smoother than ever. By the time it was Sunday, Jihoon was wishing he could’ve stayed longer. But he had school on Monday, so he knew he had to leave.
Both Soonyoung and Wonwoo came with Jihoon when walking out to Seungcheol’s car. Soonyoung once again carried Jihoon’s bag.
Seungcheol was waiting outside of his truck, arms crossed over his chest as he leaned against the side of the hood. He was so proud of that damn pick-up. It was almost comical thinking that he used to own a mini-van before this. He looked like he had been waiting there a while even though Jihoon was arriving a bit early. Seungcheol was never late anymore.
“We’ve missed you, bug” Seungcheol said as they approached, pushing himself to stand upright.
“What about me?” Wonwoo piped up.
“I thought you’d be annoyed with how much I tell you that, c’mere” Seungcheol laughed, pulling his eldest in for a hug.
Jihoon took the opportunity to say goodbye to his boyfriend, hugging him like he’d vanish if Jihoom didn’t squeeze the life out of him.
“Alright bug, we gotta go. Your brother has a soccer game, if we rush we can make it there for the second half.” Seungcheol said.
Reluctantly, Jihoon let go of Soonyoung before giving his brother a quick hug as well before climbing into the passenger seat of the truck. “I am never forgiving you for buying this thing.”
Seungcheol laughed “What’s wrong with it?”
“It’s huge! I have to climb to get in it!”
Seungcheol laughed again “You still got a little growing left in you, kiddo”
“I’m eighteen” Jihoon responded
“So?”
“I haven’t grown in three years, dad. My little brother is taller than me”
Seungcheol laughed again “You know, he calls you his little big brother ”
“I’m gonna kill him”
“Oh, c’mon! That’s cute, he’s your big little brother too. I honestly think he might grow taller than Wonwoo. Your father and I have a bet” Seungcheol responded as he shifted the car into drive.
“Wait” Jihoon said before he could take his foot off the break. He took his wallet out of his pocket, taking the condoms out and passing them back to Seungcheol.
Seungcheol took them, looking back up to Jihoon with a bit of a confused expression. “you didn’t…you were safe, right?” he checked.
“Ew, Dad, gross!” Jihoon said with a red face. “I didn’t need them”
Seungcheol paused before holding them out for Jihoon to take again. “You should still have these, just in case.”
“I won’t need them” Jihoon said “I’m ace. Like, asexual ace, not the cards.”
Seungcheol didn’t respond for a moment, processing what he had just been told. “Oh, bug. I’m sorry” the moment after saying it, his eyes widened slightly “I meant sorry for giving them to you” he immediately clarified.
Jihoon smiled slightly “No, it’s okay” he said “I wouldn’t have figured it out without them so…thanks” he shrugged
Seungcheol smiled, a bit of a smug expression on his face “I told you”
“Told me what?”
“That you’d thank me later”
“That doesn’t count!” Jihoon responded, but by the looks of Seungcheol’s face he could tell that it most definitely did count.