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Mangy used to wake up in a variety of ways. Terror, frustration, disappointment, outright refusal to try to wake up, and an even harsher refusal to sleep again. Sleep escaped him often, his fear of nightmares and his paranoia that used to deny him the chance to rest. His sleep was uncomfortable at best, terrifying at worst.
Even so, it was an escape from his life, his only chance of ignoring the harsh reality around him. He hated it, but compared to everything else, it was necessary, his only chance to have a break from everything. Even his imagination, big as it was, couldn't keep him away from bad memories and worse experiences.
Things got better the day he got a mattress. Felt better than the cardboard he stacked, and the towel made for a better blanket than trash bags or old rags. It made his small area feel more like home. The mattress was cheap, and the towel was thin, but it didn't matter to him. It still felt better than what he had before.
Even so, his towel started to fray, his mattress molded. His back hurt no matter how he slept. He could be worse off, he told himself. The old pillow had no case, going unwashed for weeks. Nothing but the rain to clean his living space a bit. Only good thing that the rain gave him. The feeling of laying on a damp mattress with a soggy towel wasn't helpful for all the colds he got.
He was tired if he didn't sleep, but he was tired when he did. He knew he'd pass out if he didn't rest, and the small area he had was more hidden and secure than being dropped onto the sidewalk. Not very secure, but better. That was how it always was for him. He could be worse off. The lesser of two evils, everything he had, and everything he had to go through.
But that changed when he married Rinny.
In the first few days, not too much changed. In spite of the house he and his wife bought, no matter how secure it was, the fear of someone coming in, hurting him, hurting her, stayed with him. He wanted to get a seperate bed at first, if only to not bother her if he had a nightmare or woke up in terror. But Rinny didn't want that. She wanted to stay by his side, through good times and especially bad times. She wanted to be beside him when he needed her most, and never wanted to be apart if he could be hurt or panicking. All she wanted was to help him, and he couldn't ever say no to her.
The bed they bought was a lot bigger than anything he ever had. Even when they both stretched out on it, they lay down together without touching each other (not that it mattered, given that they fell asleep in each others' arms every night). They decided to be mature adults about what they bought, and got a responsible amount of pillows and blankets.
By which I mean they bought enough to fill their bedroom.
They went into the store hoping to make careful choices based on what would be the most cost efficient and reasonable, and immediately abandoned that plan in favor of grabbing whatever was comfortable. Their shopping cart filled quickly by whatever piqued their interest, namely blankets with cute designs and any and all pillows. Their already poor impulse control had vanished within minutes, and they left the store with Rinny giggling to herself, with Mangy just happy he made his wife enjoy herself. His expression had hardly changed, but his eyes lit up with a joy he had spent years wishing for.
(Rinny loved his eyes. She never minded his lack of a smile when she looked into his eyes, something shocking to Mangy. He never expected that anyone would see something besides his frown.)
Truly, sleeping in that bed was the coziest experience he'd ever been through. Admittedly, it was burning hot underneath all those blankers, and the pillows barely fit onto the bed, despite how big it was, but it was extremly comfortable for Mangy, even more so because he got to share it with his wife. They held each other closely, not caring about how hot the blankets made them. They felt at peace laying alongside each other.
Mangy felt at peace, for once.
It's not surprising it didn't last long.
He drifted off to sleep, happy as can be.
He started to have a dream. A dream about a very specific memory.
he could almost hear the glass shattering before it even happened. the bottle not aimed at him, but still terrifying all the same.
he jumped at the noise. he already had issues with loud noises, and the glass scattering across the floor was a warning for what came next. never something good.
he hated his father yelling at him. he couldn't even cover his ears, lest he make his punishment worse.
his father grabbed him, rough as ever. he forced the young bear onto his feet, just hovering above the glass.
all he had to do was not fall. just stand on his toes for a few minutes, and he'd be clear. the glass from the shattered bottle sat underneath his heels, threating to shred the bottom of his foot. he felt himself wavering, but he could make it. just a bit longer...
SHLRK
OW
GODDAMIT
he fell. what a failure he was. he let everyone else down, and now he's let himself down. the glass sank into his fur, his flesh. his heels burned. he could hear his father mocking him. his shrill laughter piercing his eardrums, making him cry harder.
his mother didn't care. all she said was "it's your fault for upsetting him." she was right. mother was always right. it's his fault, for being the failure he was.
it hurts
ITHURTSSOBAD
Mangy almost flew out of bed, just barely laying in place. He shakingly removed himself from his wife's grasp, almost tearing himself loose. He felt himself panicking, desperately gasping for air. He needed to get out of there. He felt the tears flow down his cheeks. He sank a claw into his arm. He couldn't cry. He shouldn't cry, over something that happened so long ago. He had to keep it in. He was so fucking weak, sobbing like this. He told himself he'd be stronger, but he was still so weak.
He sat down in his kitchen, twiddling his claws. His breathing had slowed down now. His breaths were shuddery, but had slowed down now. He felt himself trembling. One night of peace was all he wanted. And now his parents took that away too. He just wanted someone to comfort him, but at this point, everyone was asleep.
"...Mangy?"
Almost everyone.
He cursed - a rare occurence - under his breath. He kicked himself internally for waking his wife, feeling guiltier than ever. He felt awful for waking her, worrying her. He felt like an awful person, same as always. He willed the tears, not to come, wanting to appear as composed as always.
"Are you okay?" Rinny looked at him, concern laced in her expression. She was wrapped in one of the bigger blankets, pastel pink with magenta hearts. She sat close to him, her paw placed onto his.
"I'm okay just- I woke up and decided to - just needed to sit down. Sorry for waking you. I'm fine." His heart hadn't slowed down, terror still stabbing at him. He tried to slow his breathing, to put on a happy face. Just to not bother her, or anyone with his troubles.
She didn't say much, but it was clear she didn't believe him. She pulled him into a hug, wrapping the blanket around both of them. She got up, pulling them both up the (horrible) stairs.
"You can tell me about it. I want to listen to you. Please."
They walked back to their bedroom, Rinny wrapping her arms around her husband. He felt warmer, safer with her there. He felt like throwing up at the thought of having to relive his dream, the thought of talking about it alreay hurting his fragile mental state. But he always said he'd share his burdens with her, and he was a bear of his word.
Explaining a nightmare is a hard thing to do. Mangy felt like he was gonna break at any moment, his wife's paws on his the only thing keeping him grounded. He could almost feel glass stabbing into his foot again as he talked.
He couldn't focus on her face while he talked, all his effort being put into not breaking down. From what he could see, she looked into his eyes, her face flickering from sadness, concern, anger, and fear.
She pulled him into a hug, wrapping her arms tightly around him. He hugged her back, not wanting to let go.
"It'll be okay."
For once, Mangy believed it would be.
He felt a dam burst, tears flowing from his eyes. He pushed his face into a pillow, not wanting to be seen.
Sobbing into the fabric, he felt Rinny lay alongside him, nuzzling her face into his neck. He could hear her whispering soft things into his ears. He felt calmer, now that it was done. He turned around, hugging her close. They pressed their heads together, listening to the other's soft breathing.
Mangy felt safe, next to his best friend and the love of his life. It was hard to fall asleep, images of blood and glass still in his head, appearing when he closed his eyes. Even so, he listened to Rinny's light breaths, feeling the fur on his forehead against hers, and felt like he could face his fears for once. He felt strong enough, after all this time.
They fell asleep, holding each other. Breathing softly, they drifted off into a slumber without interruption.
They were at peace, next to each other.