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Growing up inside the Clergy, Copia was taught about different religions, what they thought about the world, and the people living on the planet.
He also learnt how some religions treated those people. He knew about wars that were fought in the name of Yahweh, murders hidden in the name of their god, and lies told to be rich themselves. Nations were slaughtered, humans forced to change their faith. They were told their beliefs were wrong, that their Gods and Goddesses didn’t exist.
And also, how they are supposed to live their life. According to the Christian church, there was only one right way to do so. People were forced into a heteronormative, bigender world in the name of the father, the son, and the holy-ghost.
The Clergy distanced themselves far from those beliefs. They prayed about the freedom in their belief. To do right by your own. To believe in yourself before you blindly follow a person that might not even be there. To be who you are, because no higher deity should be able to take that away from you.
But assholes exist in every religion and belief system, in the Clergy, or more specifically; inside Copias family.
It had hurt when Copia told the Seestor that she is trans, and she just looked at her and said: “You, my dear, are going to be Papa one day. So, man-up and don’t come at me with this again.”
Being Papa was Copias dream, so she tried everything to be the person her family wanted her to be.
And she got quite good at hiding it, living two lives. Playing a man for the Clergy and becoming Papa. Summoning her own ghouls, making music. She did all of this as the man her family wished she would be. Acting came pretty easy to her. Well, it had to, especially on stage. She just never left the stage. Only in her bedroom did she stop, it was the only place she could stop playing pretend.
After a long day, it was like taking the first breath of fresh air after being in a fire. Copia knew that clothes don’t define her gender, that everyone can wear everything, but putting on some feminine make-up and a dress felt like something was finally going right in her life.
Once, she bought some nail polish and painted her toe nails, but she didn’t dare to put it on her hands.
After Papa Nihil died it got a bit easier. The old man had made everyone’s life in the Ministry more difficult with his old rules, and he never wanted Copia in the place she is now. Copia never told him about her real self, why bother? It was just another reason for him to say she was not made for the role as Papa.
For a while, she thought she could keep living her life that way. Sometimes, it was difficult to act out your whole life, but she thought she could keep going.
After the first tour she got closer to her ghouls, and suddenly, she found herself with friends! Powerful, non-human friends, but the concept of friendship was something she never experienced growing up.
They started spending more time together, and not just while recording or practicing things. They had movie nights, played games and video games, and only burned down the couch two times…
On the downside, spending more time with her ghouls and ghoulettes also meant that she had to act longer. Her stage extended into their friendship, and she found herself wishing to be able to be honest with her friends.
But at the same time, she was the Papa, the Boss of them, and there was never a woman as Papa. So, she kept up the act.
Everything seemed so work out until one night, Sodo kissed her. And her whole world went up in flames. (literally, he accidently burnt a pillow out of excitement).
She was convinced she could act as a man throughout their friendship, as it was the same dynamic they had on stage, after all.
But every kiss, every touch, it made her wish they could love her as herself, not her on-stage persona. Along with friendships, relationships weren’t something she had growing up. Some hook-ups, maybe, but she couldn’t remember them all.
Loving her Ghouls was something that came easily and clearly to her. She knew her brother also had a relationship with one of the ghouls. She also knew that Sister and Papa threw a fit when they figured it out, and a few months later, he was dead. She wished she could have asked him so many questions.
Did he like being Papa? Did he think that her being a woman made her unfit for the role? Why did love hurt so much, even though you know they love you back?
It was two weeks after the flaming hot kiss. Their dynamic had changed. Slowly, their friendship turned into something more.
Something exciting.
Something she wanted for a long time in her life, even without realising.
Just like her little dresses in the closet, she had to hide it. But it was worth hiding. Every kiss, every whispered endearing name, every brush of skin, was worth it.
Lying in bed with Swiss and Sodo was the first time she realised acting was not an option anymore.
The three had been kissing for what felt like hours. Somehow, the Ghouls were already shirtless, and a warm hand rested on Copias stomach, slowly creeping downwards. Sodo was currently biting along her neck, when Swiss whispered, “What do you say, C? Wanna fuck this little brat? Show him who’s the daddy?”
Copia felt like her heart had stopped.
She found herself back in her room. The way here was a haze. The calls after her, an echo in her head. She didn’t realize she was crying until the world in front of her became blurry. She hid under her blanket and darkness fell around her.
It felt like she was laying there for hours, trying to get her act back together, but the tears wouldn’t end, and her heart would not stop hurting.
She heard a noise to her right. Instinctually, she held her breath, someone was in her room.
Was it Sister? Or were Sodo and Swiss demanding answers? Did they bring the rest of the ghouls?
Her door closed and two hushed voices were speaking. Then it fell silent again, tears still falling down her cheeks as she tried to listen to who it was.
“Hey Copia…can we help you somehow?”, Cirrus’ calm voice sounded through the fog in Copia’s head. She debated with herself if she should answer, or keep ignoring her in hope that she leaves, when a weight carefully settled down next to her.
Another hushed conversation, and she now realised the other ghoul was Rain.
Carefully, she poked her head out of the blanket. Her room was still fuzzy from the tears in her eyes, and the world still shook around her. Cirrus was sitting on the bed, while Rain kneeled in front of it, a sad look in his deep blue eyes. “I’m sorry...” Copia whispered, she just had to ruin everything.
“Don’t be sorry!” Rain said quickly, “those two shouldn’t have done that without talking about it first.”, Cirrus nodded and started petting through Copias hair. “Can you tell us what exactly the problem is, though? It would help to know so we all can make sure to not cross any boundaries.”
“…Problem?” asked Copia, confused. “Boundaries?”
“Yeah, like…didn’t you want them to touch you? Are you maybe…what is it called…ace? Or was it something else?” the Ghoulette looked at him with such a loving look in her eyes that Copia started to cry again.
“Nooo” she sobbed, hiding her face in her pillow. They all thought she a had a problem with them…but she was the problem. She lied to them. Throughout their friendship and even now. She couldn’t be the Papa they all deserved, and she couldn’t keep pretending to be someone she isn’t.
“They didn’t do anything wrong”, she croaked out. Her nose was running, and suddenly a tissue was in front of her face. Feeling grateful, she used it. She would need all her breath for what is about to happen next.
“I am the problem… I am not …I am wrong…No I am not,” she rambled trying to figure out how to drop the bomb. “I am not…a he” she explained.
“What do you mean?” Rain tilted his head in question.
“We humans call it being trans…its like… I am born as a man but I am actually a woman…” she expected anger and resentment, but the ghouls just looked confused.
“Soo… change?” Rain asked, a confused tone in his voice.
“Rain…I don’t think humans can do it that easily…” murmured Cirrus.
Now Copia was confused. “You mean like having surgeries?”
“Surgeries?” Rain called out in shock. “That sounds brutal. Can you really not just change?” he countered.
“Change what?” Copia answered, confused.
“We can alter our looks how we want to be perceived or just how we want to look like. It takes some energy so we don’t do it often but…” Cirrus explained with a shrug.
Copia looked at Cirrus’ chest. “So…you can just grow them?” The ghoulette nodded.
“For ghouls, it is completely normal to change our gender whenever we want…”, she explained patiently.
“It’s a bit more difficult for humans…” Copia mumbled.
“But why didn’t you tell us, C? Did we ever make you feel you couldn’t be open about that?” Cirrus kissed her on the temple carefully.
Copia slowly sat up, still cuddled up in her blanket. “I tried to tell Seestor, but she said that since I should become Papa, I should...ignore it?”
Sweet little Rain growled angrily, and cursed something, rather someone, under his breath.
Cirrus didn’t say anything, but she did hold Copia tighter to her.
“How about we get up and talk to the rest?” the ghoulette offered, “Mounty might be done scolding the other two.”
“They didn’t do anything wrong!” Copia exclaimed, before she stood up.
“Careful Sweetie!” Rain quickly held onto her as she was still a bit shaky on her legs.
“Are you comfortable telling the others?”, asked Cirrus, “No one will think that you being a woman makes you unfitting for being a Papa!” she added, Rain only nodded encouragingly in agreement.
“Yeah...it is time to stop lying to all of you.” she says.
“You didn’t lie! You protected yourself in an environment you thought is not supporting of you. But we will all support you.” Copia took Cirrus’ offered hand and together they walked to the living room. Rain had already run ahead to gather everyone.
Inside the living room, the rest of the pack were sitting on the sofa. Sodo and Swiss got up as soon as they saw Copia and rushed to her. “We’re so sorry if we did something wrong!” “Please forgive us” their hectic apologising made Copia stumble back into Cirrus.
“You did nothing wrong…” she started, but Mountain already called them both back.
Copia was led into the cuddle pile and happily snuggled into Cumulus and Mountain.
“Take as long as you need, C. we have time.” Cirrus reminded her.
This is it. This was the moment she had imagined in the worst ways for the last few years.
Them all leaving her, laughing at her…hitting her. Demanding a different Papa…Tears started falling again. Imaginary screams filled her ears.
Suddenly, something touched her cheek. But it wasn’t a punch like she imagined, It was warm and soft.
Her tears were wished away and she looked into Rains eyes. “Oh, mi amore, it’s okay! We’re not going to leave you!” he said.
“I can’t” Copia gasped, air wouldn’t flow into her lungs. Why was breathing not possible anymore? “Can you”, she tried to take another breath, “Can you say
it?”
A heavy weight was lifted from her chest.
“Mountain you fucking idiot!” hissed Cumulus behind her. “You can’t just squish them to death!”
Rain nodded and stood up.
“What C is trying to tell us, is that she is actually a woman.”, he said to the pack, no sign of judgment in his voice. It was as easy as that. No screaming, no one hit her, and noone told her that that’s not how a Papa should be.
They ended up in a big pile on the sofa. It was a bit chaotic with tails and limbs everywhere.
Somehow, Swiss ended up next to Copias ear, and at one point quietly whispered, “Want you to fuck me, Mommy!”