Work Text:
Nene began to walk home from one of the cafés she worked at. She sighed, her breath showing in the cold air as she shivered. Her phone made a muffled ding sound from the inside of her jacket’s pocket, informing her of a notification. Nene pulled out her phone to find that it was a message from Tsukasa.
“Hi, Nene!!! I just got told that I’ll be starring in the movie you’ve been talking so much about!!!!” he announced. Nene could hear his voice just as loud as it would be if he’d called her.
“That’s great Tsukasa. It’s a big movie too,” Nene replied, trying to suppress the jealousy she felt. Of course, he did. Of course, the big Tsukasa Tenma, one of the youngest yet most successful stars would get the role. Nene loved Tsukasa. They were dating and had been for the past 3 years, even if it was a secret. She was proud of him, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t at all jealous.
She was allowed to be jealous. Nene was only “slightly upset,” so it was fine. After all, her boyfriend was starring in the movie she was so excited about. She should be happy, just like how anyone else would be in her position.
This was the movie she was currently looking forward to the most, and the one she was sure would be her favorite once it was released. She should be happy about this. Her boyfriend, starring in the movie she was so excited about. Nene hated herself for being upset about him getting a role. It wasn’t fair to him, even if Tsukasa was a living reminder of her failure, and he was going to be in her soon-to-be favorite movie.
She sat down on the curb, just a block away from her apartment. They all succeeded. Tsukasa, Rui, Emu…they all accomplished their goals. Even people outside of WonderlandsxShowtime, like Seiryuin, Bakuno, and Asahi. So why didn’t I? she thought. Did I not try hard enough? Was I too sensitive, or not talented enough? Was I just simply not made for it? Nene felt a stinging in her eye, something she always hated. She hated being vulnerable, she hated when those damned tears formed in her tear glands because she didn’t deserve to be sorry for herself. Goddammit, you’re 23 coming on 24, Kusanagi Nene! Quit crying over a dream that was doomed to fail since the first time you failed in middle school. You kept trying, thinking there was still hope and it was stupid and earned you nothing but two part-time jobs at two cafes.
Nene blinked away her tears, wiping her eyes with her handkerchief. She was crying in public, in her uniform, on the curb. She must’ve looked so pathetic. She was pathetic. Nene didn’t deserve the fame she wished for, it was no surprise that she didn’t get it. Nene forced herself to stand and put her phone back in her pocket, ignoring the ringtone telling her that Tsukasa was calling. He couldn’t see Nene like this and certainly couldn’t know his getting the role had triggered it.
She kept her head down, most likely looking like some sort of creepy dude. Nene’s hair covered her eyes. She had cut it short, but luckily it was still hiding her tearful expression. She walked home like that, feeling terrible. “I’m so incompetent…” Nene spoke under her breath with a sigh. This wasn’t the first time something like this happened. She knew she should try to tell someone, but she hadn’t worked up the courage yet. She would eventually, maybe after another 4 years.
-
Nene opened her apartment’s door and let out a little sob. She took the key out of the keyway and closed the door, rushing to her bathroom. Nene set her phone on the bathroom counter and sat on the toilet seat for a few moments, quietly sobbing. Eventually, she searched through her bathroom drawers, looking for her blade. With her breath getting faster, Nene picked it up and held it firmly in her hand. She hesitated. She’d been clean for a few months.
Impulsively, Nene threw that thought out of the window and sliced. She did it deeper than she meant to. A bit of blood dripped down her arm. Nene put the blade away, letting out small, quiet sobs. She put her head in her hands as she sat back down on the toilet seat, very aware of how her phone had lit up due to at least a dozen messages from Tsukasa. She didn’t touch her phone.
Nene knew it’d worry him, but she didn’t care. How selfish of her. She had a tendency to be selfish about everything. It was something she hated herself for, but she never tried to fix. Nene thought about it again and agreed with herself enough to send Tsukasa a short, two-word-long message.
“I’m sorry.”
This, of course, made Tsukasa no less concerned but even more confused. It was too vague for his liking. He said stuff like, “Sorry about what?” and “Just answer my questions!!!!!” Nene decided to put the phone down and left to her room.
-
Nene hated crying with a passion. And in the moment, she was bawling her eyes out. She hated it. She hated her feelings. The stupid ones that made her not go to college. The ones that were making her sleeves snotty and wet. Nene’s self-pity turned into anger and envy. She threw her phone on the ground and started sobbing loudly again. “Stupid Tsukasa! Leave me alone for once, will you, you fucking loser!” Nene yelled at her phone, still dinging with a few of the message notifications, although its screen protector was cracked. “When did I fall behind?” she choked out, upset with herself. “When did I get so incompetent?”
Nene cried harder. It was hard not to; she felt guilty about being mad at Tsukasa, feeling mad at herself for not going to college just because of some stupid family problems. All of it is so stupid…It’s all my own fault. I shouldn’t be mad at anyone else for being more deserving than I am, Nene thought, sighing aloud. She wiped her tears once more, eyeing the pills she’d been given for her recent health problems. It would be so easy. Nobody was present to stop her from taking all 11 left in there.
Nobody.
The thought sunk in slowly to Nene. She could do it. It would be an easy way out. The pills always hit strong, so having too many would nearly be guaranteed to do it. It would be selfish, though. So, so selfish. It really was selfish just to think about doing it. Nene opened the bottle anyway. She watched as pills fell out of the bottle into her hand, her heart beating slightly faster. It was anxiety-inducing to watch. She took a deep breath in.
This had been going on for a while. Nene's self-hatred, her regret, everything. She hated how much it all tormented her and the fact that she'd never have the chance to make her dream come true. Nene hated how she was so envious. It was such a terrible trait.
Pills in hand, Nene walked to the kitchen and got some water. She swallowed pills one at a time, each followed by a sip of water. Her hands were shaking every time she pinched her fingers together to grab a pill, just the thought of it all made her anxious. Nene ended up only having 7. She chickened out, even though she knew she’d taken quite a few anyway.
Nene waited for something to happen. She didn’t know what to expect.
A confused and worried man stood in front of Nene’s door, knocking on it in hopes that she’d answer. He had a key, but he didn’t want to enter without at least knocking. When nobody answered, he put the key into the keyway and came in, a concerned expression on Tsukasa’s face.