Work Text:
On good days I am thankful. I am thankful to wake up most days next to Lawrence.
Today is not one of those days.
I am in pain as soon as I sit up. My shoulder hurts and I am lost.
I touch the area around me to remember where I am. It doesn’t work. I am forced to walk around like this for the day.
I look over to see Lawrence already up and around for the morning.
I wonder if one day he won’t come back.
I force myself to swing my feet over the bed and sit up.
I try and take a deep breath but it feels like my lungs are filled with water again, I can feel the chill of the titles again.
I don’t pet the cats as I leave the bedroom. I fear that one day they will end up just like their sister.
I go into the kitchen to hear Lawrence talk about how bad his phantom pain is today. I can’t help but blame myself for the reason you had to lose your leg.
I see you cutting up fruit for your smoothie. You always enjoyed a small smoothie with your breakfast but i can’t stand the smell.
I learned that rotten bodies smell like rotting meat with fruit undertones. Maybe that’s why fruit grosses me out now.
The smell was horrible. The way his brains covered the floor and toilet lid.
He smelled like fruit around the third day. I began to imagine what I would smell like too if I was left to rot.
You asked me if i’m okay. I reply that i’m okay. you say i was just standing there looking into my coffee cup.
I only reply sorry.
You tell me it’s okay.
You always tell me it’s okay. You told me that when you saved me, when you left me, when i cried in your arms.
I look over to the guest room…daniel’s room? Diana’s room.
I haven’t seen her in a few weeks.
I wonder if she’s okay. I know she is.
I know that she is alive and well with Alison right now.
I still can’t shake the thought of her being hurt again.
What if the bad man has taken her again? In reality I know that isn’t not true. I killed him in the bathroom.
Part of me wishes I died in that bathroom with him.
Just you and your dad.
A happy little future.
Where maybe you and your parents could be peaceful
They were never really happy
Everyone knew divorce was coming soon
But I am the reason it came sooner.
But then I remember I am part of the reason you both have this trauma.
I am the reason that John tested us. I am the reason Diana went through so much before you ever went to middle school. I am the reason Lawrwnce had to learn to walk again.
On good days I am thankful. I am thankful to wake up most days next to Lawrence. To have a stepdaughter and cats.
Today is not one of those days.