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Daniel had gone back to Australia. That was the last thing Max heard about his ex-boyfriend. After the epic breakdown of their relationship they had texted once and still promised to stay friends and keep in touch, despite how things had fallen apart. An empty promise, it was. Neither of them had picked up the phone at all in the last eleven months. It was easy to blame it on the time difference now, easy to blame on Max being too busy with Formula One and a million other little things. They both knew that was a lie they told to comfort themselves. Truthfully it was just too hard to be friends with the person who you loved more than anything, knowing they were no longer yours.
Max missed Daniel. He missed him with a sharp ache in his chest. He missed him like he missed his mother and sister growing up, like a fundamental part of him had been taken away yet again. Loving Daniel had been as easy as breathing, even during the hard times, and now Max’s lungs were dying, shriveled up. It had been eleven months since Daniel slammed the door in Max’s face as he stormed out of Max’s apartment. Max should have chased after him. He should have tried harder. Maybe then he'd still have Daniel. Or maybe, that treacherous voice inside Max’s mind said, maybe Daniel was better off without him. Max was nothing without Daniel. It was fine. Absolutely fine. Max’s life had ended the day Daniel left. He'd tried to tell himself it was all just a hiccup at first but he knew Daniel wasn't coming back. That he was never coming back. Max still didn't know how he'd managed to fuck things up so spectacularly that Daniel had immediately ended things between them like their relationship was nothing and moved back to the other side of the world. One moment they'd been fine, the next Daniel said they were doomed. Max wished he knew what he'd done, how he had lost the love of his life.
He wondered, sometimes, about asking Daniel. How could Max ever love again if he didn't know what he had done wrong with Daniel? But he never picked up the phone to ask. It would be stupid, anyway. Max already knew he would not love again. No one could compare to Daniel anyway. His lovely smile, his eyes, his beautiful curls. His laughter and his jokes and the way he held Max at night. The way he allowed Max to be softer, to be loved. Max knew he would never have that again. He would die alone and that was okay. He must have really hurt Daniel in order for Daniel to leave the way he did. So Max’s suffering was justified.
Some nights Max wished death would come quicker than it did. Always his heart would be Daniel's and if he could not be worthy of Daniel, then what was the point? Sometimes he saw his car spin out and hit the barrier. He saw the end. It did not scare him. No. It was peaceful. He never told anyone he felt that way. He was pretty sure they'd never let him drive again. Driving was all Max had left. His last bit of sanity. He would actually kill himself if he lost that too.
Flying to Australia for the Grand Prix and not to see Daniel felt like the cruelest thing in the world. Max was glad for his private plane. He cried the whole way there. He didn't want the world to see that, he couldn’t stand the thought of everyone knowing how broken he had become. People probably knew anyway. He'd heard the complaints about him reverting to his old ways. Reckless. Stupid. Awful. Max didn't know what else to be. Not without Daniel. He was hurting. He was lonely. Daniel had been the only person to truly see every layer of Max. It hadn't been enough.
He thought, after he landed, that he should call Daniel now. There were no timezones separating them anymore and Max knew he had time. He'd flown out early even though he had no reason to without Daniel. It was terrifying though. What if Daniel didn't pick up, didn't want to hear from Max? Max wasn't sure he could face that rejection again. It had hurt enough when Daniel broke up with him. Max worried that if it happened again, he would seriously hurt himself. He had nothing to lose. He had achieved what he came to do in Formula One and he had already lost the man he loved more than anyone, the love of his life, his everything. Who would care if Max died? Who would truly care?
Max was saved from deciding if he should call Daniel or not because a text appeared on his phone. Not from Daniel himself, no. From Daniel's mother. Max’s chest constricted with worry.
I heard you are in Australia early. Please meet us at our hotel.
She'd texted the details. Max hesitated. It was important to her, clearly, considering she had bothered to contact him and knew when he would be here. But it was strange. Why would Grace want to see him when Daniel obviously hated him?
He told her he would be there anyway.
He went to his own hotel first to drop off his luggage and to freshen up. He pretended that his hands weren't shaking. He pretended he wasn't terrified.
He took a cab to Grace's hotel and texted her to let her know he had arrived. She met him in the lobby and hugged him. Max hugged her back even though he didn't understand.
“Please keep an open mind,” she told Max.
Max really didn't understand.
Not until she took him into her room and he saw Daniel standing there, holding a baby. Judging by what Max knew from his sister's kids, the baby must have been about four or five months old.
“You have a baby?” Max asked, his voice breaking. “With who? Is that why you left me?”
A million thoughts went through Max's mind at once. All of them hurt. Had Daniel cheated? What else could it be?
Daniel swallowed, nervous, “We have a baby, Max.”
That hurt worse than cheating. They had a baby and Daniel hadn't told Max, hadn't wanted Max to be a part of this, hadn't trusted Max. No. Instead he had thrown Max’s love back in his face and left.
“Did you think I would be like my father?” Max asked, panicking. “Is that why you left? I would never hurt my baby or my partner. That's not… I swear I would never. Always I would look after you both.”
“That's not it,” Daniel said but he did not elaborate.
Max for once in his life decided he wouldn't push. “Can I please hold our baby?”
“Yes,” Grace said strictly. She stepped between them and took the baby from Daniel's arms and handed them to Max.
“It's okay,” Daniel said softly.
Max held the baby carefully. He vowed he would always keep them safe and always love them.
“Tell me about our baby, please,” Max begged.
“Her name is Emilia. She was born just after you won your championship in Qatar,” Daniel said. “She's a sweet baby. Not really fussy at all. She has your eyes but my curls. She'll be a real heartbreaker when she grows up, I reckon.”
“Hello Emilia,” Max said, sniffling a little, “You are the best baby on the planet. Already I love you very much.”
Emilia blinked a few times and then smiled at him.
“I'm really glad I got to meet you,” Max said softly.
He was glad. Thankfully he hadn't killed himself, hadn't died the way he had dreamt about so often. He had lived to meet his little baby girl. Even though Daniel probably hadn't wanted him to. Max pretended the thought of that didn't sting. Tears fell from his eyes. He just didn't understand. Couldn't.
“Why didn't you want to tell me about her?” Max asked. “I barely understand why we broke up in the first place but… Was I really so bad that you felt that you needed to keep me away from my child?”
“You weren't bad. You didn't do anything wrong,” Daniel said.
He scratched the back of his head, incapable of meeting Max’s eyes. Max looked back down at Emilia. She was still smiling, oblivious to the strife between her parents.
“Then why?” asked Max.
Grace looked between them. “Maybe I should take Emilia for a stroll. So you can talk freely. It's time to be honest Daniel.”
Max was reluctant to let go of his daughter so soon but he nodded and carefully handed her to Grace anyway. Max had known Emilia for less than thirty minutes but she was already the most precious thing in the world to him. Victoria told him once that being a parent was like that. She was right.
Grace placed Emilia in a stroller and left the room. Max and Daniel looked at each other awkwardly.
“Please help me understand?” Max asked. “And please allow me to be her dad at least. I will be good for her, I promise.”
“You really want to be her dad?” Daniel asked.
Max frowned. “I of course want this. Always I dreamt of being a dad. With you, as well. She is my baby, of course I will want to be her dad. I did not know you truly thought so little of me Daniel. That is very hurtful.”
Max was still crying. He didn't think he could stop anymore.
“Of course I must have really upset you,” Max said, “Otherwise you would think better about me.” He sighed.
“I meant it when I said you didn't do anything wrong,” Daniel said.
“But I must have,” Max protested, “Because you told me we were doomed and slammed the door in my face and now you think I would not care about our baby. I care about her and you. And I know you do not want me anymore but I will do anything for her. I will be alive for her.”
“Wait, wait, wait,” Daniel said, “What do you mean you will be alive for her?”
Fuck. Max shouldn't have said that. No one was supposed to know how badly he'd wanted to be dead. Now Daniel was going to think Max was crazy, too crazy to be near his daughter, just as Max had found a reason to live.
“Max, what do you mean you will be alive for her?” Daniel asked again.
“It was very hard for me this year,” Max admitted. “Of course the racing went well. But I struggled very much. I thought maybe it would not be so bad if I died since I was all alone. Of course now that I know Emilia exists I do not want this anymore.”
“I thought you'd be better off without me, without me and a baby holding you back,” said Daniel, looking stricken. “I thought, Maxy is a young lad. He doesn't need all this. So I thought I'd do us both a favor and leave.”
“That is of course very stupid,” Max said bluntly. “And I am sad you thought you'd need to do this.”
He crossed his arms over his chest, trying to soothe himself. More tears fell from his eyes.
“Clearly I was stupid,” Daniel said, “My mom said so from the start. I'm sorry for hurting you, for doubting you. I should have known better. I was just scared.”
“I think it was not so nice to yourself either,” Max said, feeling a bit more gentle towards Daniel now, “I think it was not so nice doing everything alone. Victoria says it is very difficult being pregnant. And you did that without help. I think maybe that was scary and lonely. I think maybe we were both lonely without each other.”
“I kept wanting you there but I was too afraid to ask,” Daniel said softly. “Once I'd made the decision, I didn't know how to come back from it. Good thing my mom stepped in, eh?”
“Yes,” Max said, “We will thank her.” He hesitated. “Will you let me be there for you now? I have not stopped wanting you, even when you make silly decisions. And I want to take care of you.”
“Please,” Daniel said, “I want that.”
Max took his arms off his chest and stepped closer to Daniel. Then he wrapped his arms around Daniel's body and hugged him tightly. It was a little bit softer than he remembered but Max loved the way Daniel felt inside his arms all the same. Daniel buried his face in Max’s neck. Max could feel Daniel's tears hitting his skin. He gently rubbed Daniel's back, hoping to reassure him. Things had been shit but they found their way back to each other. They had a baby girl to raise together. That was all that mattered.
Grace came back into the room. Daniel and Max were still embracing each other. Max did not want to let go, half-afraid that if he did he might wake up to find this was all a dream.
It wasn't a dream. This was real.
“I've got a little girl here eager to cuddle with her fathers,” Grace said.
“Well then we must give our princess what she wants,” Max said.
He let go of Daniel. They sat down on the bed together and Grace placed Emilia into Max’s arms. He looked at the little girl with loving eyes, only now noticing the lion onesie she was wearing.
“You gave her part of me even when I wasn't there,” Max said, his voice full of wonder.
Daniel nodded and kissed Max’s cheek.
All would be alright.