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I feel like I am in a staring contest with Time, just a few minutes ago we went somewhere private so we could talk. Something that I am slightly nervous about…I mean it’s not every day you get asked something like that from an ex, especially after the way we broke up. However, I also want to talk to him, because I don’t like him not being in my life…since he wasn’t just my boyfriend back then, but also one of my closest friends. However, it’s slightly weird and unnerving that it’s been just silence from the both of us since we got here and neither of us has said one word. So, after taking a deep breath I decided to speak up, “What’s wrong Time…what would you like to talk about?”
Time seems to take a second to look away and then finally after a few more seconds he turns his attention back to me and says, “I broke up with Tem.”
“Whoa. I didn’t expect that, you two really broke up? The last time that I saw you two…you were both so happy. What happened? Are you both okay?” I responded with real concern, since what I said was true…they both seemed so happy.
As I watch Time he seems to be trying to read my face, like it will tell him differently. Then he seems to see something as he smiles and says, “You are just the same. You will never have a cruel bone in your body even to people who maybe deserved it. Honestly, I love you for it…but also wish you could yell at me because I was so dumb before.”
I nod my head feeling the love for Time…the Time that always knew me…the Time who never judged me…the Time who I still love. I feel a warm feeling in the pit of my stomach and then shoot throughout my body…slowly taking it over with this overwhelming love I have for this man. Then I say as much, “I love you, so much that sometimes it overwhelms me. Sometimes yes…you are dumb and can be an ass, but I weirdly love that about you. If I didn’t love you so much…how would I be able to be friends with you and have you in my life for practically my whole life…you are one of my best friends.” He mumbles something so I ask, “Sorry, what did you say?”
He mumbles again a little louder, but I still can’t understand so I ask again and he then seems to burst with his answer, almost yelling, “IS THAT ALL WE ARE?!” I feel slightly taken aback by the yell as I kind of jump back a little which seems to make him calm down as he says, “I’m so sorry for yelling…I know how much you hate that.” I nod my head…though my anxiety is still a little picked up and I try not to panic, knowing that Time is not like my other ex or my family…he cares. Though after a few deep breaths and counting to five slowly to slightly ground me…I’m able to breathe through the anxiety and put up my wall. It’s more like a mask…a bright happy smile hiding the deep pit of anxiety crawling up my nerves. Though, as expected he sees through it, and just holds out his arms waiting for me to walk into it. I do and hug him…and it feels like I’m home once again…in the safety and comfort of my best friend's arms.
I just sigh in relief and relax into the hug as he wraps his arms around me…I just latch onto the front of his shirt…worried that if I let go, he will leave and this feeling will go with him. I miss him so much and hope that this isn’t the last time I have where I can be this close to him. Trying to distract myself from those sad thoughts, I think about what he said, “What do you mean by, ‘Is that all we are?’”
He seems to freeze while still holding me…so I keep a steady hold on his shirt not wanting him to go anywhere. He starts slightly unwrapping his arms around me, and I hear myself give out a little whine…like a wounded puppy. I just don’t want him to leave me right now, and I feel as if he knows this because he lifts my head up with his index and middle finger to look at him. At first, I try to refuse, but finally, I give in and he just looks at me with a smile on his face and says, “I broke up with him because I made a mistake back then and I am still in love with you.”
I feel that anxiety pick up again when I say my next words, hoping he doesn’t respond badly, “I can’t be with you again…at least not right now.” I look as if he just looks sad, and looks like he is about to apologize, but before he can, I continue, “I love you too, and part of me is still in love with you. It’s just that when we broke up I realized that I needed to find myself again…I stopped loving myself. It took me some time, but now I just need the time to be alone without a relationship until I can put myself in equal measure with the person or people I am with. Do you get what I am saying? I don’t want you to think that I am blaming you…I don’t…we both were at fault for our ending…and when I am ready you will be the first to know. I just need this time for my own sake…please don’t be mad.”
I worry my lip between my teeth and hope that he understands enough to not get too hurt by this. I try to avoid his eyes and wait for him to say something…though when he doesn’t say anything I look up and see him smiling with a grin so wide I don’t know how it doesn’t break his face. At my confusion, probably on my face, he responds, “I am happy you are learning to love yourself and still love me after everything. I understand what you are saying and am fine with you taking the time you need, but please say we can go back to at least being good friends?”
I feel happiness shoot through me and it makes the pit of anxiety shrink more and more…it shrinks so much that I barely feel any anxiety at all. I feel relief and that causes me to smile and answer, “We will always be best friends…forever…no matter what happens. So, am I the reason why you two broke up?”
I watch as his blinding smile turns into a guilty frown and he answers, “Kind of, but not really…see here is the thing, I love both of you…no, I’m in love with both of you. However, I couldn’t be selfish like that…not again…I hurt both of you last time and I don’t want to do that again.”
I shake my head and sigh sadly, “So, you broke up with him because you thought it was unfair that you were still in love with me?” At his nod, I continued, “Have you ever thought about polyamory or something like that?”
He frowns a little more and answers then his frown unexpectedly changes to a smile while he says, “Actually Tem mentioned that too.”
I wait a little to see if he is going to expand on that at all, but he doesn’t seem to so I ask, “Does he mention it in a way to make it seem like he wants to be in one or as an option?”
He seems to hesitate, but I just wait patiently for him to say something and he finally says, “I don’t know his exact thoughts…you would have to ask him for that. Actually, you two should definitely talk, but that is another subject…so back to the poly subject…it’s not him that is hesitant about it. He seems to be completely okay with it, I just find myself selfish for loving both of you in that way…it’s something that I always thought was wrong…until the two of you. I have never been the person to think in that way for more than one person at a time…so I felt selfish when I started with you two. I mean I already hurt the both of you last time…so why are you both saying it’s an option?”
I smile at him lovingly and lift his head to look directly into my eyes and lean up to kiss his forehead to calm him down. It seems to work pretty quickly and he smiles back at me and I answer, “I don’t know what went through your head before, obviously you haven’t told me or very likely Tem either. However, what I do know is that I would have been open to poly the whole time. It's just that you didn’t seem to want to. I wish that you talked about how confused you were and not made it seem like you were going to cheat on me with Tem. I mean you flirted with him for a while before we ended…it was just flirting, but made me confused. I was going to tell you that I was open for us to expand our relationship, but then you ended our relationship and then just kicked me out of big portions of your life…it hurt. I get what you are saying about feeling like you are selfish, but if you communicated about what you wanted I was open to it…and it sounds like Tem was as well. So, can I ask what you were thinking exactly? I am not accusing, just asking.”
He sighs clearly worried about something and explains, “As I said I thought my feelings were selfish and I didn’t want to hurt you when I started liking Tem. Then, when we broke up I didn’t want to hurt you more, by showing my new relationship in front of you. So, I broke off everything with you, but trust me I want you back in it…in any form. With Tem, it was the same thing…I figured out that I was still in love with you, and knew I couldn’t be selfish so I broke up with him. However, I ended up hurting both of you even more by breaking up with you, and not communicating. I am sorry, I thought I was doing the right thing and making the whole thing hurt less for both of you…but I made it worse.” By the end of it, I see the pure sadness in his eyes and feel hurt for him and see my vision starting to blur with unshed tears…hating that he is hurting this much.
I smile at that thought and laugh, “You were right before, I can’t be cruel to you…I even am more hurt that you are hurting than anything I have felt throughout all of this for myself. It’s hard for me to be selfish or self-loving when it comes to you…even when it might benefit me. It’s just that you are so important to me, and you will always be. You are my best friend, confidante, family, shoulder to cry on, protector, and the person that makes me…me. When I didn’t have you in my life, it felt like a piece of me was missing so that hurt, and also made me think that you didn’t love me or want me anymore. Now you are coming back to me and saying that you did and still do…it makes me happy, but also, makes me want to smack you on the back of the head for being so dumb for not communicating. You know that if you did…the three of us might have been together already…right?!? I love you so much, but you are dumb as fuck and if there is even a chance for any of this…you need to communicate and be honest. However, you need to talk to Tem about all of this…how about you do that and we can talk back at your place…the three of us.”
He seems to shake his head right away and respond, “No you two should talk so how about you talk to him about it all? Also, I feel the same about you…you will always be my best friend and better half…which is why I definitely deserve that smack for being so dumb. Yes, I promise that I will communicate and be more honest.” I smile and lightly smack him on the cheek and then kiss him to make it better.
“Okay, I will talk to him right now…how about you go back to Chay, Cau, or Kim doesn’t come over to make sure we didn’t kill each other…I will be in soon.” I respond and feel as he hugs me and watches as he leaves back to our friends and then I let out a little laugh.
As soon as he shuts his door I take a deep breath readying myself for this conversation with someone I barely have talked to and as soon as my nerves slow down I pick up my phone. I go through the contacts and get to Tem and take another breath before pressing the call.
INDIVIDUAL CALL: TEM ❣️
TEM ❣️: Tae? Why are you calling me? Is Time okay? He is with you…right?
TAE 😂: Hey Tem and yeah he is…we sort of talked about things.
TEM ❣️: Oh…so you two are back together again. I am happy for both of you…take care of him, okay?
TAE 😂: Actually I wanted to talk to you about that…how are you doing with the break up?
TEM ❣️: Do you want the truth?
TAE 😂: Yes please
TEM ❣️: Okay…please don’t get mad, but I am not doing that well. I love him, and we broke up which is confusing because I brought up an option where we don’t have to, but he still did.
TAE 😂: Yeah I heard about that…so you mentioned polyamory as well?
TEM ❣️: As well? Do you mean he mentioned it or did you mention it? Actually, forget the first question…it was you…right!?!
TAE 😂: Yeah…he doesn't seem to understand polyamory at all. He thinks he is being selfish by having feelings for both of us
TEM ❣️: So is that why he broke up with me?
TAE 😂: Yeah
TEM ❣️: Is that why he broke up with you?
TAE 😂: Mmmm
TEM ❣️: I am so sorry…I honestly didn’t know
TAE 😂: You are way too nice.
TEM ❣️: I am? You must have thought I stole your boyfriend…this whole time. How am I the one who is too nice?
TAE 😂: Time likes to say that I don’t have a cruel bone in my entire body. It’s more like I care about people who deserve it and have earned my trust. Honestly, Time was a great boyfriend until all of this…and even more, he has been a good best friend.
TEM ❣️: Do I want to know what you mean by that? You seem to be sad when you say that.
TAE 😂: I have one other ex aside from Time and he was terribly abusive, and my family wasn’t that much better.
TEM ❣️: You can tell me to fuck off if you don’t want to tell me, but can I know what you mean by that?
TAE 😂: Sure…I was manipulated and emotionally abused by both of them. Also, my father was very physically abusive, which is why I am so close to Pete and Vegas. This is also why I was close with Khun, Kim, Kinn, and Macau as well…and now Porsche and Chay are also added to that. They all made me feel like family even when they sometimes didn’t get along. I have known all of them since I was a baby because my family was related to the family. Though me and all of them bonded as well as Time and his sister…our generation were all really close when we were younger. Though, as you know, after the mothers died…Khan and Korn tried their best to tear their closeness apart and sadly succeeded. Luckily, I stayed close to everyone, but it was never the same…which was when my family got worse and heavily leaned on the idea of me and this guy who was my fathers’ best friends’ son. My parents didn’t care that I was gay, they just cared that I was with somebody who understood what they believed…that I was weak and needed to toughen up. Let's just say the Theerapunakuls, Time and his sister ended up saving me a few times from them and so they deserve my love and trust no matter what happens. I am not saying details more than that because some of it was so bad that I don’t remember it completely.
TEM ❣️: Is it weird that I kind of want to come over there and hug you right now?
TAE 😂: No
TEM ❣️: So to change the topic because you sound like you are on the edge of tears…what are we going to do about the poly idea?
TAE 😂: That sounds kind of funny…well, I actually called to ask you about coming over to Time’s place later so we can all talk…are you okay with that?
TEM ❣️: Yeah…when?
TAE 😂: When are you available?
TEM ❣️: I am available now or any time tonight.
TAE 😂: Okay…how about coming over in about an hour and a half…we should be back by then.
TEM ❣️: I can also come to where you two are…you are at Kim, Cau, and Chay's, right?!?
TAE 😂: Yeah…are you sure?
TEM ❣️: Yeah I don’t think I can wait to see you two right now.
TAE 😂: What do you mean…both of us?
TEM ❣️: Time didn’t tell you?
TAE 😂: No??
TEM ❣️: Time isn’t the only reason why I was open to poly…I wasn’t just open to it, I was wanting it. I have kind of liked you from the start…I mean you are gorgeous, so caring, so protective of Time and your friends, and just so amazing. I actually had a crush on both of you when we met because of Porsche, but was too scared to say anything. Sorry if that is too weird.
TAE 😂: No…no it’s not, actually I have always thought that too. I might have had a fantasy about kissing you. Oh my gosh…why did I say that?
TEM ❣️: I don’t know, but I am happy you did.
TAE 😂: Okay anyways…
TEM ❣️: Aww are you blushing…I bet you are.
TAE 😂: Ummm
TEM ❣️: You are…okay maybe I will meet you two in an hour because I won’t be able to handle myself around others if I see you blushing
TAE 😂: What do you mean?
TEM ❣️: It’s my kryptonite most definitely Baby.
TAE 😂: Shut up…I will talk to you later
TEM ❣️: Okay bye…sweetheart
TAE 😂: Bye.
I quickly hang up the phone before I keep talking…wow, I never thought he would flirt with me. I can't help but smile as I walk out of the room barely being able to handle waiting for this event to end so I can go to Time's place and see Tem. That fantasy of the kiss comes back to my head and all I want to do is do exactly that...run to him and kiss him. I feel so in my thoughts that I suddenly bump into somebody and I look towards the person to apologize and I try to hide my face as I see Chay smirking at me as soon as he sees me. I try to not make eye contact but when I don't, he stays silent until he finally says, "So you aren't going to apologize to your dearest little brother? Oh wait, of course, you wouldn't… you're too distracted by your call with your soon-to-be faen." I look up to get annoyed with him, but his smirk just grows when he sees my face and says, “You know your blushing…right?!?”
I feel my lips frown until I think about the reason for the blush and I smile, “Well you can’t really blame me…Tem was flirting so hard. You know how much I love pet names…he called me both, ‘Baby,’ and ‘Sweetheart,’ how am I not supposed to blush at that? Also, you can’t say much because remember I have seen you blush after Kim or Cau says something so don’t even start. Remember, I was there when you three came out officially and was witness to the many cheesy pet names, and countless flirting between all three of you. Even though I am single for myself…do you know how many times I wish I had somebody in those moments…you three make anybody feel single as crap.” I watch as his face changes to a guilty look so I tell him, “Though I am happy for you, and would be willing to go through more and more times like that…just because I know how happy you three are.” With a smile, I decided to tease a little, “However, I am hoping that tonight works out well so I can get my revenge a little and make you have those countless times this time.”
I smile as he laughs at that, “Hey that isn’t fair, it’s not my fault that Kim is so clingy or Cau is a total flirt. I love them, but you have to admit that it’s more their fault than mine for the PDA moments. However, that isn’t as important right now…are you okay? All I know is that Time dragged you out to have a talk and he came back early and said that you have to talk to Tem. I know how you feel about both of them and about your romantic relationship strike right now…so are you okay?” I watch as his smile turns to a worried frown with the crease in between his brows with the question.
I know right away I have to take that worry off his face and so I smile as I reply, “I’m happy…I might get what I want and have both of them again. Honestly, I just need to go slow in the relationship, so I hope they are okay with that. Also, more than that, I have my best friend back…you know how much I have missed Time, and just hope that Tem and I become closer too. Yes…I have romantic feelings for both, but that doesn’t mean that we have to be together right away or at all…I just want them in my life.”
At the response, his frown turns back to blush and grin as he says, “I know what you mean…I am absolutely grateful every day and so incredibly happy that I have Cau and Kim in my life. The fact that we are boyfriends, each other's best friends, that we live together, and I get to have a future with them, that I get to express my love to them every day…is better than winning the lottery for me. I just want the same for you, because you are like my older brother and very close friend…you are so important to me and I want you to be fully happy again. I hope this works out, but understand being happy that you at least have them in your life…just take your time so you don’t get hurt. Also, if they hurt you…I know people who will make it, so nobody ever sees them again…and that is just me, my boyfriends know even more. We got your back, okay? Though, I am voting that everything works out, in the end. When are you talking about it all?”
I laugh and ruffle his hair slightly and respond, “Thank you…you three are like younger brothers to me as well. Thank you for being protective of me…we are going to meet up at Time’s place after lunch.”
I laugh as he jumps up and down and excitedly says, “Yay!” Though then he turns serious, “Tomorrow, you will come over for lunch and tell us all about it.”
I laugh again and reply, “Is that a demand or a question?”
He just responds with a stern look…well the sternest look he can give in this situation and points his index finger at my face and says, “You will.”
“Okay…you know you are slightly scary when you get protective…thank you.” I choke out as I feel tears slightly coming to my eyes, feeling so grateful for Chay coming into my life. Then as if he knows exactly what to do I feel two arms wrap around me and I feel everything relax within me as I feel the warmth of one of my best friends. Yes…my best friends are probably these three and Time.
We continue hugging until there is a knock on the door. Chay asks who it is, and we hear Kim say through the door, “I was just checking in if everything is okay?”
Chay looks at me and we have a silent conversation. I nod and he says through the door, “You can come in Phi.”
As he walks in, his face turns from a smile to worry as he sees my tears and as I look at Chay he seems slightly teary-eyed as well, “Are you two okay?” We both nod and he says, “Okay, well whenever you are ready you can come back. I only came over because Cau started getting worried and so I decided to ask so he wouldn’t get more worried and burst in here.”
Chay and I laugh and I say, “It’s okay…I’m ready to come back now. Thank you both.” They both wave it off like it’s nothing…and maybe it is to them, but to me…it’s everything…having great friends like them makes me very happy.
As we walk back to the table Cau right away stands up, but then sits back down fidgeting…clearly worried, but doesn’t want to be nosy. So, I smile and say, “It’s fine Cau,” and laugh as right away I feel another pair of arms around me and then I feel him push me away to check me over and then scan Chay as well and then grab both of us in a hug. I smile, because this is who Cau really is with the people he truly cares for…super protective and comforting. After a few minutes though Kim takes Cau away, wrapping his arms around him from behind and I hear a laugh from Chay as Cau pouts until he sits on Kim’s lap and cuddles into his chest. Then I whisper to Chay and say, “I think Cau is the clingy one…not Kim,” making Chay laugh.
Both of his boyfriends look over at us, clearly wondering what I said, but we keep silent until Kim says, “What are you two whispering about over there?”
Chay at first says, “It’s a secret,” making Kim frown and Cau pout.
Cau then speaks up, “No secrets.”
Chay smiles and walks over to them as I speak up and say, “I just said that Cau is as clingy as Kim.” I watch as they both pout until Chay kisses Cau on the forehead and he blushes which makes Kim smile.
I smile as I watch them…hoping that I can get my revenge soon.