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It was a fairly normal interaction. The closest HiMERU could get to normal with Tatsumi Kazehaya, anyway. He had been stopped by the other in the hallway, and found himself trapped in polite conversation. It was annoying, but hardly something he was unable to handle. Surely, Tatsumi Kazehaya would eventually get tired of talking to a brick wall, and move on with his day. Though knowing him, he would allow it to continue for quite some time. HiMERU hadn’t been paying particularly close attention to the other, who seemed pleased enough with the occasional responses of “Oh?” and “Hm.” from him.
“Don’t you agree, Kaname-sa–” Tatsumi’s words were cut off by the sound of a slap. HiMERU’s hand stung before he even began to process what he had just done. Tatsumi’s head jerks to the side from the force of it, a hand gingerly coming to touch his cheek. He turns back to him, and for a moment there’s a blank expression on his face, before it schools into that ever present smile. “HiMERU-san.” He corrects himself, belatedly, and HiMERU finds himself speechless. You’d hardly think he had been slapped, if not for the angry red mark on his face. HiMERU must have hit him quite hard, if his own hand stung. And yet, Tatsumi Kazehaya acted as if this were completely normal, as if HiMERU had merely spoken out of turn, and he was politely moving past it.
It was infuriating.
“What is wrong with you?” HiMERU all but snarls as he grabs him by the collar, pulling him in close. Tatsumi’s expression does not budge an inch, serene as always. “Do you not care if I hit you? I know that hurt, Saint Tatsumi.”
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me at all. You have every right to treat me as you wish.” His own hands come up to rest over HiMERU’s, and HiMERU’s grip on his collar strengthens, fingers twitching. How dare he. How dare he touch him. “I don’t mind.” He says it soothingly, like he really is some kind of saint for allowing HiMERU to do this, and he feels something inside him snap. His hands dart upwards, wrapping around Tatsumi’s neck and squeezing with all his might. As soon as the red in front of his vision clears, he draws back as quick as if he’d been burned. He stopped before there would be any bruising, but it was enough that Tatsumi began coughing after being released, hands coming to hurriedly wipe at watering eyes.
“Do not refer to HiMERU by that name again.” He speaks sternly, and watches Tatsumi nod pathetically, clearly still unable to speak. “You have long lost the right.” There’s a lot more he’d like to say, but the situation is far out of control already. He’s desperately trying to reel himself back. Tatsumi Kazehaya is stupid, after all. He would not tell anyone about this, because HiMERU is a dear friend of his, whom he will tolerate anything from. But this was a public space, and anybody could walk past and see them. HiMERU did not want to have to explain this. He wants nothing more than to turn and leave, but he hears Tatsumi’s hoarse voice before he can.
“I wish it didn’t have to be like this.” It comes out very rushed, and from the sound of it Tatsumi was still very much recovering his air supply. He really shouldn’t be wasting his breath.
“There’s no other way.” HiMERU spits it like venom, and Tatsumi’s face reflects something other than tolerance, of serenity and grace.
He looks upset. He looks sad, he looks hurt, it’s an ugly emotion he had yet to see on Tatsumi’s face. He wasn’t quite sure what to do with it. HiMERU wants him to be as miserable as possible. But he never wants to see this kind of face on Saint Tatsumi. He’s supposed to be untouchable, above everything, he’s supposed to accept all the pain that is laden upon him, because he deserves it. What right does he have to look so pained, when anything he goes through is nothing compared to what Kaname has?
HiMERU’s brain feels like it’s sizzling in his skull. Sometimes, he wants to tell him everything. He wants to see the look on his face when he realizes that everything is completely beyond helping, that everything is all his fault, that all of Kaname’s suffering is because he failed–
But then he’d have to admit things are beyond help. It wasn’t. Kaname would wake up, and he could handle Kazehaya Tatsumi all by himself. Maybe they’d be friends again. Surely he hadn’t done anything to scare the other off permanently, even with this. That pious bastard wouldn’t think twice about it. They would probably laugh about it, years down the line. He shuts his eyes, trying to regain the grip he has on being HiMERU.
“Please don’t mind HiMERU. It’s been a difficult day.” As it always is, when dealing with Tatsumi. HiMERU opens his eyes after speaking, and notes Tatsumi’s expression has returned somewhat to normal; though his eyes are still watering. “It will be fine when HiMERU has had more sleep. Please don’t hold this against him.”
“... You know I would never do that.” And HiMERU knows he means it. It’s sickening to know he was being sincere, that he really wouldn’t be upset with him about this. “Make sure you take care of yourself, HiMERU-san. Your career shouldn’t come at the cost of your health.” HiMERU imagines himself throttling Tatsumi until he can never speak again. He, of all people, lecturing him on his health. Instead, he nods.
“Be sure to remember the same for yourself.” He sees the way Tatsumi avoids putting weight on his leg, he sees the way his face pinches in pain every now and again. He was hurting more than he would let on, or that he wanted anyone to know. Tatsumi brightens under the assumed worry for his well being, though it’s largely annoyance at his own hypocrisy.
“Thank you for worrying for me. Try to extend some of that to yourself as well.” The only thing HiMERU wants to extend is his hand so that he can hit Tatsumi again. And again. And again. And again and again and again. He imagines it in graphic detail, and it soothes him enough that he’s able to nod and say Thank you, Tatsumi before turning on a heel and leaving.
He feels a bit calmer, more at a simmer than the sizzling of before. If he ran into someone else, someone who wasn’t Kazehaya Tatsumi, surely he would be able to carry on like everything was normal… Though he hoped he wouldn’t run into anyone. There was nothing more he wanted to do in this moment than vanish, and not have to talk to another soul for the rest of the day.
God damn Tatsumi Kazehaya. He wanted nothing more than to be free of the curse of dealing with him, of the one person who made him want to break HiMERU’s character in a way that could never be recovered from. Perhaps he would die in a bloody accident after HiMERU left him. It was all one could hope for.