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When I first realized that I was going to die, I was angry. I couldn’t even begin to explain the pure rage that rippled through my being as I cut down demons in my path, as Zariel’s henchman traced me to every corner where I fled, only to never return to their mistress. My anger felt like a lava pit in my chest, churning and bubbling, releasing toxic gasses that threatened to swallow me whole.
It was my life. My heart, stolen from me by some bitch who thought she owned everything she touched. Because her selfish ass decided that my life was hers to own. I never got a choice, never got a say. I put my trust blindly into someone who gave me away to the devil, and I suppose that makes me the fool. Because I am just a fucking idiot, who thought that maybe, maybe, someone would keep me safe. But I learned quickly the only person I have is me.
I grieved the life I wanted, but never got. The salty sea air, the sun, the trees. I spent 10 years in hell, fighting for a life I’d never get to live, a life that was forever in someone else’s control.
I can’t remember what day it was when I woke up and decided I didn’t want to live that way anymore. I just knew one day I was pissed at the world, and the next day.. I loved it. Because if I was only here for a short amount of time.. then by gods was I going to scorch my mark into the earth. They’d all know my name.
Karlach.
I did everything. From adventuring, to making friends, to slaying goblins and helping others. I wanted to actually do something memorable with my life, or what was left of it. I wanted to leave my mark before I left everything else.
What I didn’t expect to happen.. was you.
You were just so.. radiant. You were the single best thing to have ever walked into my life. I wish you knew the way I fell every single time I looked at you, plummeting farther and farther into uncharted waters. And I wish you knew the pain I felt.. knowing that we didn’t have forever.
I wanted nothing more than to spend every waking moment with you, to watch sunsets and sit on the coast, to live somewhere quiet away from the torment where it could just be you and us.
And a really mean goat. But that’s besides the point.
Angels danced the day that you were born, I’m certain. They must have celebrated you, and there I sat, basking in your light. As dark as my world may be, I will always find enough light to adore you to pieces with all of my own. One touch from you, and every single one of my demons drop dead.
I know loving me scared the hell out of you. With our limited time, the threat always lingering on the horizon. And I want you to know that it was the same for me. But I wanted you more than I wanted to escape hell. And getting the chance to love you was worth all those years..
I’d cut my soul into a million different pieces just to form a constellation to light your way home. I’d write love poems, though I’m no bard, to all the parts of yourself that you can’t stand. I’d stand in the shadows of your heart and tell you I’m not afraid of your dark. I will be real for you, when nothing else seems to be.
Forever may not have been written in the stars for us. I would rather be ashes than dust. I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than be stifled by dry-rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in a magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The function of me is to live, not just exist. I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them. I will use my time.
And my time focused solely around you. My beautiful sorceress.. my bright star. Inside me exists a little hell? And never will I tumble out of love with the way your beautiful lungs soothe its fire into grains of ash. I had never felt more at peace than I did in your arms.
I hope that in my absence, wherever you may have gone, that you are living out your dream, and that you are doing what you love. And know that I was born again the moment I fell in love with the world, because I knew somewhere, someone like you existed in it.
I have told you that I loved you, Dielle.. but I fear I lost the chance to tell you how in love with you I was. I am no poet, no writer.. but for you, I will be anything. Everything. The moon, the sun, Saturn, a meteor, hell, you name it and I will morph my bones to paint the picture in your mind. I will claw open my chest to bear my soul to you if only you could understand a fraction of what I feel for you..
Something I learned, that you taught me, is that tragedies will always be found in the things we love. And if we are not willing to see the beauty in losing something that means the world to us, then imagine how terrible it would be to live for them.
Knowing nothing lasts forever.. it’s why I fall in love with all the moments you took my breath away. And anytime you miss me, you’ll find me there. In the sunsets we were meant to watch together, in the waves curling around your ankles. I will be there. In every lonely night, in every sound of wind, in the stone and mortar.
I am yours, Dielle. And I loved you with every fiber of my being.
Until we meet again.
My breath comes out shaky, my chest feeling like it was caving in. I didn’t think I could gather another breath even if I wanted to, as the parchment trembled in my fingers.
It had been over a week since her voice had blessed my ears, since her smile graced my vision. And every single day, I read this note over and over until it was etched into my eyes and I could spill its words from my heart without so much as a pause.
I loved her.. all of her. How she crawled beneath my skin and into my soul, how she glided over dark fields and left trails of roses to grow. How she devoured me whole and made sense of my bones, forming constellations and answers where questions once resided, and how she gathered all my broken pieces and weaved them back together with gold.
Karlach often compared herself to fire, mostly in reference to the infernal engine that had eventually engulfed her in hellfire. But truly, she was no flame. She was a storm, and in turn brought out the storms in others. All she ever wanted was for others to embrace their storms and make them fall in love with their own violent winds, as she danced so comfortably amidst her own hurricane.
You never completely feel someone until you lose them.. not truly. Sure, you’ve felt their touch, their lips, their breath and skin, but their soul never truly graces your own until they’re gone. And then your eyes become like fire, and it takes a lifetime to forget the way they lit up your world.
I loved her. Madly enough to lose myself and finally feel all of the things that I can’t put into words. Because words would never do her justice, and I will not offend her by trying. She was her own divine being.
I love you, Karlach. My storm. My fire. And know that the world was more beautiful now that you’ve touched it.
Until we meet again, soldier..