Chapter Text
A pen scratched on parchment in a dim, candle-lit office at the top of a clock tower. It was a cozy and comforting kind of room, complete with bookshelves and a wide variety of strange artifacts, and it was only amplified by the pitter patter of rain against the window. The ferocity of the drops felt like a deluge was outside, though with the room’s occupant within his warm office and the tumult outside, it felt cozier than ever.
Storms were common for any way of life, especially in such a hectic universe such as this. With multiple gods at their own respective wheels, anything from floods to earthquakes was at their whims. Now, he could only muse about the God in charge of this storm… whoever that was, as there were too many for him to keep track of now… was feeling particularly angry. What had gotten on their nerves? Surely, whatever had miffed them could’ve been solved civilly and not try to level a whole forest.
Actually, they were very angry. A clap of thunder suddenly snapped Horatius out of his paperwork and his own musings with a boom and an accompanying flash that lit up the once dim corners of his office. The imprints of the bright light remained on his retinas and he had to hastily blink to make the image go away. He could only wonder what set them off, curiosity starting to get the better of him. Thunder and lighting were common, of course, but this was like a ferocity he had never seen before.
He set down the quill and rose from his seat, eyes set towards the window. Carefully, he navigated around his desk and chair to take a look outside. He leaned over the small bench before the sill and squinted his eyes. The storm outside gave the appearance of the time being in the middle of the night, but he knew that it was only late evening. Now that he had a better look, he could barely even see anything beyond a hundred meters.
Bang bang stomp bang.
There was a loud rapping sound of stairs as someone shoved their way up them. Their legs burned with each movement, as if gravity itself was pushing against each muscle and bone in their body to move. They gave a hiccup, their body soaked from the storm outside. They slipped, the water dripping off their body and clothes created a slick surface from below. Taking a moment to breathe, they rested their hand against the railing and stared down at their shoes. Huff, huff.
’I… can’t go on…’
Regardless of their cries and pleas, they pushed on. Finally reaching the top of the flight, which felt like climbing up the tallest waterfall in all of existence, a tall slick dragon continued to huff out steamy air. They gave another hiccup, looking down the hall at the fabled door, a door that caused their heart to constrict like every force was against it. Just a measly thing ready to splat against the walls of their very chest, how long would it be?
Agony, pure agony. Yet they had to press on, they had to see him. The one that laid beyond that large decorated door, the office of the clock tower. The residence of the God of Time. Someone so dear, someone so special. There was a newfound fear in the dragon’s strained heart… what if that god was gone as well? No… chaos would’ve fallen the land. He must be safe. He had to be.
The stomping continued, before the dragon paused at the door. He held his hand so confidently towards the handles for a moment, but staring down at his shaky bloodstained hand…. How could he see him like this? Thankfully, most of the violent rain from outside washed off the forbidden blood… but his hands remained the most of it. He quickly held up his hand and licked some of it off. He flinched, holding back a wail coming from his throat which only came out as a pathetic whimper. One that would come from a child rather than a strong warrior such as himself.
Iron… the taste of iron, it filled his breath. He quickly shot his hand down and rubbed it against his pants. No…. How could he even do such a thing? He finally reached his hand out once more, not daring to save another deep breath. He didn’t deserve it for being a sinner.
He swung the door open and ran inside, stumbling as he went.
His winged ears perked at the noises from within the tower, almost fooling himself that it had to come from the outside’s storm. With thunder that sounded as ferociously as that, he wouldn’t be surprised that it may have knocked certain loose items off tables and walls. Though as he listened more, slowly pulling away from the window, those noises were more like another being moving within the tower as well. Someone taking shelter from the rain? While visitors were few and far between, he couldn’t put it past anyone. Perhaps some hospitality would do.
Or maybe it was something else— someone else. But no, Horatius shook his head to rid the thought out of his mind. There was nothing out there that would make that particular person upset like this, he really needed to stop assuming the worst.
Slowly, his dismiss over his worries slowly held less and less water as the flurried and clumsy sounds grew closer and closer to his door. Even before it swung open, the unsettling feeling fell over him like a solemn and constricting blanket that something was horribly wrong. None of that felt right in the slightest, especially the pause behind the door.
Then it swung open. Horatius had come to fully face it now, and no sooner had the person behind it revealed themselves, everything went still. Even his breath caught in his throat as if it suddenly found itself stuck behind a lump of ice. This wasn’t right. None of this was right.
“Namida?” he asked in a clearer voice than he expected but no less weak.
Before he could even register it, he walked forward, holding out his arms to stop the distressed dragon in his tracks and hold him steady. The other was in the worst shape he had ever seen him in. Drenched from head to foot in the downpour outside, breathing that could only be fitted as a sob, and streaks on his face that Horatius could only think were tears, Namida looked as if his entire world had come crumbling down around him. But that wasn’t right… Namida couldn’t cry like this. He wasn’t supposed to, he never should.
Horatius. Yes. Yes he was here and he was well… but that did little to ease the dragon’s hammering heart. Everything felt so blurry, whether it was true or not, the rain droplets running off streaks of his bangs obscuring his vision, or if he was simply moments from passing out. Or maybe something else….
Everything was making his ears ring. He gave another sniffle, before noticing a bright fiery figure cloud his vision instead. Horatius approached… holding out his hands to comfort his partner. But no.
No! He couldn’t place his holy hands on an utter sinner such as himself. Namida found himself stumbling backwards a ways away from Horatius’ reach, his whole body shook, but he tried to say no with movement of his head.
“I—“ Namida gave out a pathetic squeak. A squeak that sounded like an old rusty pipe about to burst. Which was much how Namida felt anyways. How could he even be here? How could be here and say anything or do anything? Be even present?
Why was be here again? He was already a sinner, what would it make him to confess to his crimes like this?
Alarm bells continued to ring in Horatius’ head the longer he stared with Namida with heightened concern. Even then, the mounting worry only grew as he took in more of the other’s features. Everything about him, even down to how he stared through wide and frightened eyes, to the way he shook from head to foot kept screaming wrong all throughout his mind. He tried to remember a time where he had last seen Namida in such a state, but this was the first… He felt cold water douse over him, his mind churning and attempting to figure out what was wrong. He couldn’t understand, someone as composed and as calm as Namida to become this shivering mess.
It only grew to horror as the dragon flinched away from his inviting arms. Something… he had no idea what… it was horribly wrong. He couldn’t sweep that thought away from his mind that something that not even he could fix had happened. Namida’s voice almost made him flinch because a sound like that shouldn’t be possible coming from him. Reality and reason itself forbade Namida from being like this… it wasn’t him. It wasn’t his nature.
What was he supposed to do? Here and now, Horatius felt so completely out of depth, unable to wrap his head around any of this. But he needed to know, he had to know. How else was he supposed to help? It tore him apart to see the love of his life unravel at the seams, and he couldn’t bear to see it any more than he could help it.
“What happened?” he asked, unable to think of anything else to say. He needed to help, and if Namida couldn’t accept his first offer of comfort, then now would do. He had to know, he couldn’t bear to see this any more. Even now, he could feel Namida’s misery tug on his very soul, sending his mind into a spiral of ‘what ifs’ and horrifying thoughts.
What happened?
Those two words rung in Namida’s head as if it were some endless echo chamber. What happened, what happened, what happened was nearly indescribable. But to the average person, just a bizarre case. Namida felt hot and cold air rise in his chest, halting him from making any sound. His mouth left ajar, and he could only stare at Horatius’ face unfocused. What happened.
He had to tell him what happened. That’s what he came here for anyways. But it stung, stung more than any strong poison you’d find in any universe. It stung unlike any other.
“He—“ Namida gave out a whining gasp, “He’s dead—“
How could a sinner such as himself confess to such horrid crimes? Sure, maybe in the end it’s what the other deserved for their very nature. But no, alas, every bone in Namida’s body felt tainted, tainted with the very blood that he had spilt. It’s never clean, he’d never even scratch off the slightest particle of blood no matter how hard he tried. The God of Time standing before him… him confessing to his crimes was not as a plea to go back and redo his mistakes, even with all the power in the world, Namida could never accept it as much as it stung him inside.
The confession rang out in Horatius’ head, much louder than Namida had ever spoken. He’s dead. He’s… dead. The words chased each other through a suddenly vacant mind, which was impossible, as even they seemed to be frozen as well. The entire world had gone still around him, and Namida no longer stood in front of him with wide eyes.
Hollow. That was the best way to describe it. No, he couldn’t be dead. Zero wasn’t supposed to die like Namida wasn’t supposed to cry like this. It went against the laws of the universe, it went against everything. Zero wasn’t dead. He just couldn’t. This was some sort of misunderstanding, Horatius was sure of it because of the simple fact that Zero, an untouchable god, couldn’t die.
But Namida wasn’t a liar.
The floor beneath Horatius’ feet didn’t feel like a floor at all anymore and instead a vast and empty expanse yawning beneath him, swallowing the matter that was left in his chest. His ears rang, his lungs refusing to function, his eyes seeing but not, his mind reeling. Time would’ve eventually caught up, but not so soon. It didn’t make sense, he couldn’t make any kind of logical reason behind it.
“Oh…” was all he could say. Even just barely, he still had a voice. “I never… he’s…”
He couldn’t even say it aloud.
Having words spoken back to Namida after that confession… Namida’s knees began to give out. He felt all of gravity, all of the very universe try pushing him down to a kneel. Which might’ve worked, but he kept himself upright as much as he could… but he barely had the strength and will to fight back much longer.
He’s dead…. He’s really dead. It already hurt Namida’s very soul to hear Horatius’ voice shake in a such a way, but in the context it’s in…. The context he has yet to learn to… it could only get worse. But Namida has already pulled himself in too deep. Namida opened his mouth to confess his crime… but only a low whimper came out.
He shot up his hand to cover his mouth, as if to punish and rid such informality, to scold his weakness. His eyes shut, wanting to cancel out the very world around him, but it only felt like the world bled into his vision more and more.
“I killed him.”
Now the world had truly gone still. In just a single moment with only three words uttered, Horatius’ entire reality had fractured like glass under too much pressure. Namida didn’t exist in front of him anymore, though now, nothing existed in front of him or around him anymore. Everything had gone out like a flipped light switch, leaving everything around him dark and empty with nothing more to be seen or found.
The only thing that stood in front of him was the terrifying truth. Zero was dead and Namida was the one to put an end to his life.
Horatius couldn’t even think to ask why, not with his entire mind having slipped through his fingers like sand. He couldn’t bear to think where questions were too painful to ask and answers too horrifying to comprehend. He didn’t want to know any more, not right now. Probably not ever. The reality that everything had been fractured between each other by a move so sinful completely thrust his mind into a place where not even light could reach.
Autopilot took over and numbly, Horatius turned away from Namida on legs that were far too steady to hold the weight of that terrible news. Turning after a few strides, he sat down in a chair with a cushion that he never was able to register either. Despite his shock, he knew that if he stood for any longer, he would’ve collapsed to his knees. A hand made its way up to his face as he leaned over, his fingers obscuring one of his eyes. He had no idea what to do anymore.
Namida’s eyes couldn’t be any wider, finally everything around him began to set in. Time itself began to catch up to him, the present, the current happenings, everything. Namida watched in horror as Horatius walked away from him and to his desk. Namida took a step forward, his arm inching upwards in desperation.
“Wai—“
Namida was cut off by a loud strike of thunder, which only caused him to flinch, and flinch hard. For such an unmovable and unshaken warrior, this had to be one of if not the weakest moments of all of his life. He wrapped his arms around himself, as if to hold himself and protect himself from an incoming strike. As if he was only some child who had no self defense capabilities.
But that’s when he couldn’t stand any longer, his legs finally gave out, his knees buckled away and he collapsed to the floor of The God’s office. He caught himself with his hands, only his knees and hands digging into the floor kept him upright. As he fell, he let out a soft sob.
“Ple-please listen- I killed him- but I—“
Namida’s voice swam in his ears as if his head had been dunked underneath a pool of water. All of his senses refused to function, as if something vital in the core of his being had been switched off and broken beyond repair. Nothing around him mattered, the only thing that he could only attempt to grasp was the frightening reality that slowly became realer the more he sat in a chair he couldn’t register.
Zero was gone, and that was that. It was over. All of it was over. Horatius leaned over his desk, elbows scraping the parchment he had just been diligently working on earlier as he deflated. His composer was hanging on by a thread and threading to snap in any given instant.
He stiffened as he heard Namida plea out again, though it wasn’t because he couldn’t bear to hear the voice of a killer who ended so many worlds in a single move. It was because he knew that Namida would be the one to cut that last thread to unravel what was left of his own composure.
“I know,” he said heavily, the beginnings of his own grief weighing on his voice like a bag of stones. “There’s… you can’t undo that.”
Namida gave out a sob. It was so unlike him, the noise was so foreign to his own ears, he didn’t even know he was capable of such a thing. He blinked at something odd. He noticed… his cheeks were damp, but not from the rain… from tears. Tears of his own. He couldn’t fathom it, he held up a shaky hand, but recoiled, the smell of iron fill in his lungs instead.
He turned his head up to try finding Horatius’ expression, sitting up slightly to aid that, but he felt so wrong. So dirty, filthy. doing it.
“I— I know- but- I had to— he… he was…. H—he—…!!” Namida’s voice raised as it cracked under all the pressure. He dug his long-clawed nails into his shoulders, threatening to break his skin and produce more blood onto his dirty bloody body. He could never rid of the filth, he knew that for certain. But…. No, him spilling his own blood was just karma for a sinner such as himself.
He took a far too shaky breath to try steadying himself as he tried to sit upwards again, though by now, his posture was as just as broken as the expression of pure grief on his face. His hands rested on top of each other, but such a simple resting position still made them shake uncontrollably. Inconsolable.
He shouldn’t have looked up. He shouldn’t have removed his hand from his face and he shouldn’t have made eye contact with Namida. His desk wouldn’t have been staring at him with eyes that held more despair than chaos than even the deepest abyss. He vaguely felt the corners of his own mouth twitch, his mind desperately wanting to mirror the expression and share the grief and the howling thing that was no doubt in Vox’s chest as well.
He had no idea why, but it still tore him further apart to see Namida begin to tear himself apart. It was still wrong, despite what he did, and Horatius couldn’t lose anyone else in such little time. But was he deserving of his sympathy?
“Say it,” he said, his voice more pleading than anything. He had to know. If Namida had done it willingly… then there had to be a reason why he looked the way he did. “Why is he dead?”
Namida lowered his head for a moment, his eyes bleeding into the ground and his hands below. He took a shaky breath, trying to gather his words. But at Horatius’ own words and tone of voice, he only felt more bullets crash down on him. There was a loud booming sound of more thunder that followed after, and a flash of lightning that was soon to follow. He whimpered from it all, before lifting his head to meet the other’s eye again.
“He— he was suffering— the prophecy…— his— ahh…” Namida held his hands over his head, shaking it to get it on straight. Despite his hiccuping, he had to speak coherently, he needed to pull himself together, after how tainted with sin he was now, it was the least he could do. He forcefully cleared his throat, taking a shaky breath. He had to do it. His throat was raw.
“The prophecy… it was killing him, his people had gone mad and… and were tearing him apart—… there was an eclipse and— and they all just… turned into wild animals… I had to do it— he was suffering…. He was suffering so badly…. But—“
No… was there really a point to add that?? Horatius didn’t know…. But the prophecy had recently updated… to show Namida killing his loved one. But he was already sick enough to his stomach, why add salt to the wound?
He didn’t utter a single word, much less move aside from his constant shakes and attempts to gather a hold over himself. Horatius sat there as still as he could, his ear ringing more than ever as he listened to the tumultuous crashes of thunder that felt too distant and Namida’s voice that felt too loud.
The more he listened, the far more horrified he became. Zero… suffering for so long? Horatius’ breathing became more sporadic and shallow as the explanation ground on, his eyes becoming aware of the world again but blurrier all the same. He never knew. Beneath his gloves, his knuckles became paler as his fingers tightened around each other. Slowly, he became aware of tiny pains in the corners of his eyes as tears he didn’t think he had begun to claw their way forward.
All of this was happening and he never knew? Zero’s plight, and Namida’s fate leading him to a meeting place between the two? Horatius’ throat felt dry, his mind was beginning to pick up speed in dizzying circles, his chest felt as if his heart had been ripped out. Everything was pain, the world, which had been so vacant of everything, had suddenly turned into a scene of harsh colors and terrifying sounds.
His chair didn’t feel welcome. Horatius stood up on shaky legs and had to steady himself before wandering back to Namida like a zombie. His knees met the ground in front of the other before he even thought to lower himself to the ground, but his mind was only centered on the dragon with a new tone of grief rising in his chest.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, his words harsh against his throat, “Namida… I’m sorry.”
Namida snapped up as Horatius sat across from him, the dragon’s arms slowly slid away, only staring at the other in horror. He nearly opened his arms and launched forward, but bit back on his tongue. No, a sinner like him deserved to rot… rot and rot until not even his bones remained. His bloody bones.
Sorry… no, Horatius was the last person to be apologizing, the only one to apologize was Namida. But even apologies could never scratch the surface for the hell he had caused.
Namida’s forehead touched the floor as he bowed down in front of Horatius.
“No- no. It’s me— I’m sorry… I— I’m a sinner—- I killed him when I could’ve just rescued him— I could’ve—…”
It wasn’t his place to forgive, and Horatius knew even deep down that he couldn’t forgive Namida, no matter why Zero had to die. He had been blind to all of this, led along by either a well-mapped string or his own denial of anything wrong, but for ages… he had no idea how long… he was in the dark to all of this pain and suffering from those closest to his heart. He could have done something, he could have savored his time with them, there was so much he could’ve done.
But he was kept in the dark, and now it was coming in as a world shattering shock. He couldn’t forgive the loss of moments he could’ve had, the words he could’ve shared. Even something as simple as a final goodbye.
He wasn’t allowed to forgive. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t reach out amidst a broken heart.
With an arm as heavy as lead, he reached forward and placed his hand on one of Namida’s shoulders, almost withdrawing immediately. But he kept it there, just desperate to take any kind of warmth and give it back. He had no idea what to do or say, as all of his thoughts either were dead where they stood or were outspoken by the howl of pain that couldn’t leave his chest.
“It was fate. It can’t be stopped,” he said. There were no other words he could say, and what could he say?
Namida had to conceal a round of shivers as Horatius touched his shoulder. But the touch as just enough to burst the pipe. He let out a wail of agony, sobs that had been held back unbeknownst to even the dragon himself, burst open like a wild animal escaping its cage after years.
Horatius’ touch changed everything in his mind, after feeling so desperate… but holding back knowing he was so undeserving. He did it anyway. Namida leaped towards Horatius and clung onto his waist, sobbing into his legs, tail thrashing wildly.
“Please— please don’t go— don’t leave me— you— you can’t leave me— please….” But even with such pathetic pleas, he knew he was so undeserving.
He didn’t expect at all for the dragon to suddenly lunge at him, but he still did nothing to try to avoid the hug. Namida was in desperate need of help, help from someone who was only the beacon of life he had left, no matter how far into the shadows they had fallen. Even if he couldn’t forgive Namida, perhaps not for the rest of his life, Horatius still loved him, and he couldn’t bear to lose anyone else.
His arms wrapped around the other, holding gently over his shoulders as tears finally broke free from his lashes and dripped down his feathered cheeks. The thing inside his chest continued to howl out in pain, the voice now even more pronounced as he held the stained dragon as closely as he could.
“My dearest…” He meant the words, but they felt like poison on his tongue, “I’m here. I won’t do anything to you.” He tried to say more, but words were still lost in his swimming mind.
Namida dug his face deeper into Horatius’ waist, trying to conceal his sobs that way, but it was no use. His mouth opened release to loud wails and hiccups, so much so that he couldn’t give a reply anymore. He tried to whisper please, but it only gave out in ineligible stutters.
Why? Why did Namida do all of this?? How could he ever begin to live with himself after this?? He was shocked he allowed himself to continue standing after leaving the god’s land after senselessly slaughtering him. Namida knew that if Horatius didn’t, Namida would never forgive himself and always stare at his bloodied hands. A constant reminder of the sin he committed.
But there was still a lingering thought… maybe he was a hero, putting his love out of misery, saving all of existence, but his love being a tyrant… he freed the people too… no, he still killed him in the end. He was a sinner…. Wasn’t he? He couldn’t wrap his mind around any of it. All he knew was that he was sick with himself.
For once in his life, Horatius had completely forgotten what time felt like when it passed by. Though as he tightened his hold on Namida through trembling hands and tears that failed to fill the gaping hole within the center of his being, the thought crossed mind that time wasn’t passing. Perhaps it paused in his grief, stopping just as his world stopped.
There wasn’t anything to say, at least not then. The hole within him seemed to open in its gape, becoming deeper into an impossible abyss that even now had no bottom. It was as if the ground opened up beneath his feet and something dark reached up to pull him under. Everything felt so cold, so suddenly alone.
He had no idea how much time had passed before he finally thought about saying words, though Horatius had no idea if they were needed. They probably weren’t, nothing was worth to be said now.
“We can be silent for now.” Horatius didn’t need to say it to make it apparent, but what else was he to do? Even now, words still evaded him and sobs of despair and pain kept threatening to bubble past his throat. This felt like a horrible dream, and the more he spoke, the higher the risk came that he would wither from his own cries.
Namida continued on… but the longer he sobbed, the more painful it all felt. How is it possible?? Wasn’t crying meant to release the pain? He only felt as if his chest was being ripped apart atom by atom, as if he was tossed violently into some black hole just to get ripped apart piece by piece. Horatius’ words snapped him out of his daze a bit, silence….
Namida didn’t know what else to say either. They could stay there, but where else was Namida to go, what else was he going to do now? The longer they stayed here the more Namida felt lost on his fate. Silence… what if when he opened his eyes again, Horatius was gone too? He’d never know— he’d never… Namida’s heart began to hammer sharply against his chest, it would break free, it’d kill him.
Namida snapped up, letting go of Horatius, before quickly jolting his hands to Horatius’ face, holding it in place, staring into his lover’s teary eyes. Namida’s expression of horror was indescribable, somehow worse than it was before he came in. Much worse, it was desperate, almost controlling, drowning.
“No— no please—… I need to stay positive that you’ll still be here— that you won’t leave me too….”
Everything happened faster than he could comprehend, as if his mind moved at a slower speed than which reality moved. Colors that should have been muted were too bright for his eyes, the touches from Namida’s fingers against his cheeks were like charged punches to leave unpleasant stars in his eyes. The world swam in front of Horatius to the point where he moved with it, but not in synchronization. He felt lost in the current, unable to tell what was up from what was down or what was a foothold or what would make him slide in deeper.
It hurt so much more to finally properly stare Namida in the face through blurry eyes. He never expected to see the look of such a frightened wild animal, it didn’t feel at home, as if the world as he knew it crumbled around him. Nothing belonged where it was, everything felt too real as if someone were holding a sharpened knife’s point to his back.
“I won’t leave you…” Horatius’ own words rang hollow in his own ears like he didn’t quite believe what he said. Though he had to believe what he was saying, he was telling the truth. Or were these promises only about him trying to cling onto the once perfect life he had? As he spoke, his voice began to crack at its weak points, the sobs he had been trying so hard to bite down beginning to force themselves free. He tried as hard as he could to keep them at bay, but they suddenly rose, twitching his lips and curling the corners of his mouth.
“Never…” he said as the cries took root, “You… you still have me… Promise.”
Namida oh so carefully listened and hung on tightly to each word of Horatius’. As if he’d slip and fall into death if he didn’t grip on tight enough, everything still felt like gravity was trying to push him into a small stain on the floor every breath he took.
Namida slowly nodded, sobbing even harder as his lover began to cry further. It was horrible, Namida caused this. Namida caused such a sweet and gentle soul to cry, all because of his horrible deeds. It may have been the right and only thing, but he still caused Horatius such horrid grief.
There was another loud strike of thunder, so loud that it caused the room to shake. Namida’s eyes widened further as he heard the clatters and rattles of the trinkets threatening to slip off each shelf in that office. The light was so blinding that it forced Namida to shut his eyes tight, but no amount of coverage would help it. Namida gave a hiss of pain, pulling Horatius’ face into his chest and holding onto him tightly. His tail wrapped around the Time God, shielding him from the entire world. There was no immediate danger, only lightning striking the top of the tower, but Namida couldn’t risk even a wasp coming close to him. Nothing would touch him, nothing.
The lightning felt as if it were slicing into Horatius’ very being, as if each thundering crack attempted to shatter him into thousands of pieces. His head felt as if it wanted to split open, to break apart and make his pain explode into all around him. There was so much fighting to get out, all leeching out from that bottomless pit and his cries could only let out so little at a time from the building pressure. Namida being the killer of the one they both held so dearly, it felt unreal, like a waking nightmare.
The sudden movement from Namida caught Horatius off guard, though he took it in stride as it was the only thing he could do. He couldn’t exclaim or give any mention of surprise. His head swam too much and the pounding in his ears made the world an even more harsh and forgiving place. The second that his head made contact with his chest, something inside of him finally broke; that last support keeping the gates to his weeping heart sealed.
In one sudden sweeping wave of despair, Horatius gave a pure cry of misery into the chest of the other, muffled by fabric and foam. That instant caused the composure he had been struggling to maintain to completely break apart, seeping away. The horrific feeling grew and grew as his cries continued on, unimpeded by the now shattered barrier. His hands groped behind Namida, clinging onto his back to the point where the other’s clothes stretched. He couldn’t let go of him either, he could never let go regardless of any treachery done. Namida was still his, and he loved him, even if logic said he shouldn’t. He didn’t want to let go of him either.
Namida couldn’t bear to hear such an unusual sound come from the god of time himself. It wasn’t something that you’d hear on someone like him… much like seeing someone like Namida in such horror and with so much blood on their hands. It seemed that they both discovered something new on themselves that day.
—
How long did time pass? Namida couldn’t tell, everything was blurred to the point that everything looked like the same muddied color. The rain hadn’t stopped, but slowed down significantly, and the lightning strikes came soon to none. It was still pitch black outside however, as if another strike could land any moment. Namida’s ears rung both from the loud thunder and all the stress and pain.
Namida finally released himself from Horatius, his tears rolling to slow stops now. He turned and laid on his back, staring up at the dizzying ceiling of the office. His expression turned blank, not like his usual one. But it seemed as if all life was sucked out of his body. His eyes dim, dimmer than the black clouds that cast darkness over the land outside.
Everything slowly came back to Horatius once Namida pulled away. For a few long minutes… hours… he didn’t know anymore, the person he should’ve been unconsolably angry with had become the last beacon of light he could hang onto. Now that a cold and vast gap opened between them, he felt as if what little light he held onto had vanished into an inky blackness darker than the night. Horatius felt like a shell, a hollow statue with the structures it once stood with having long since crumbled away, leaving something alone and fractured.
His hands had long stopped shaking and he sat up again, staring ahead blankly through eyes that hurt whenever he blinked. Salt developed on the corners of his lashes and down his cheeks, though he didn’t even bother to try wiping away the itchy mineral. He couldn’t feel it anyway. He didn’t feel anything. Just hollow.
Hollow. That was the best way to describe it. Earlier, he had been in a living nightmare, clawing for a way to breathe and to stick his head above the churning waves of misery. But now that there were no more tears he could shed and his chest hiccuped itself into silence, he felt as if he were in some kind of strange dream. The world felt fake around him, as if he were detached from both it and his own body. He was a ship adrift at sea with the anchor sliced just before a tumultuous storm.
“I never believed this would happen,” he said numbly. He had no idea why he was saying anything, perhaps just to get the ringing out of his ears, or even just trying to cement himself back in reality, “I never thought that he would leave.”
Namida continued to stare at the ceiling until it became too much for his head. A splitting headache throbbed its way into his mind, feeling as if it’d crack open his skull like some weak egg. He finally shut his eyes, listening to the soft pitter patter of rain and soft ticking of the clocks. But then his ringing ears were filled by a voice once again. Namida’s eyes kept closed however.
Never thought he’d leave… it left an even sicker feeling in an unseen pit of his stomach. Namida never wanted to believe it either, but with how true the Prophecy was, he knew that Zero couldn’t last long. That and the fact of him being a tyrant… some force was bound to return karma to him. Perhaps that’s what all this was. Just karma for the both of them. Zero for being a tyrant, and Namida for accepting one.
“The…” Namida tested his voice, which only came out as grainy as gravel and sand. He cleared his throat, his ears flopping around as he did. “The prophecy… told me that at some point he’d have to die…. Or we all would die… everything would… I never wanted to believe he’d go but… it was something fate designed….”
Horatius’ fists clenched as he listened to the other mention the prophecy again with a fresh wave of shame and guild crash over him. Still, he could never understand how or why he never knew. His shoulders tensed as he gave a stiff nod, though the movement itself was enough to make his mind reel from both physical and mental pain. Fate was cruel and evil, it should have never reared its ugly head in such a place. It should’ve never have had the power it did now, able to tear happiness apart like a knife to paper, able to snuff lives out while ruining so many more in the process.
But he needed to know something, it kept eating away at him, even now.
“Why was I never told?” he asked quietly, his voice still ringing out as hollow as it had been before, though with a new hint of pleading, “I was never able to part ways properly. I was never able to say goodbye.”
If he had known, Horatius would’ve given Zero the farewells he was owed, closing a chapter to their book. The last chapter that they shared together. Horatius didn’t want to wish to undo the past, it was already done and overwith, and Zero was never coming back. His ‘what if’s would turn into madness if he dwelled on it, but he needed closure. Only then could he put his begging mind to rest, to stop it from wondering how things would’ve gone if he was able to say goodbye.
Namida’s eyes slowly dwindled open once more. He glanced up at Horatius, his gaze flinching slightly at his question. Right… he was never told?? Namida’s face scrunched up slightly in confusion, and he finally found some will to push himself off the ground. As he did, he gave a small pained grunt, before turning his head to stare back at Horatius once again.
“You… I’m so sorry. I- I had thought one of the diviners would have informed you… I should’ve anyways… I’m so sorry…. I…-“ Namida bowed his head in something so much stronger than just shame. Namida has messed up time and time again… how many more times… he never told Horatius Zero was a tyrant either, but he had promised Zero that when they all got together. He couldn’t shatter his promise, how much horrible would he be if he did just after he had killed him? But it held so horribly in Namida’s chest. He felt like someone had sewn every sickening poison into his body, but it was his own deeds that caused it. Namida failed Horatius. Greatly.
“I’m so sorry… I’ve continued to mess up so horribly… please- I deserve great punishment…. I failed you and Zero so….”
It felt as if someone kicked him in the gut, making Horatius’ gaze fall back to the floor he kneeled on and his own clasped hands. He was supposed to be told? Something with icy cold fingers clawed at his heart, making his chest seize and his feathered ears flatten with discomfort. And nobody stopped to think that he was taking this a little too calmly? For Kosmi knew how long, he had been stuck in the dark, blissfully oblivious to the true nature of those controlling the shadow puppets of his life. If he knew, he would’ve done things so much differently but…
… But to leave it in the hands of the diviners to tell someone that their dearly beloved was going to perish at the hands of the other. The diviners. Not Namida. Not Zero. Neither of them brought it up to him. The hole inside his chest began to tear open, the barely healed injury beginning to ooze its infection. Surely, they would have told him… why didn’t they?
His head bowed lower as he bit down his retort. Beating down Namida while he was already floored was not what he wanted to do, and he didn’t want to do anything that he would regret. But the pain of that new betrayal continued to burn in the pit of his chest like a fire that was too hot for its size. It stung and twisted his insides, making his eyes strain from conjuring tears that were no longer there.
“What punishment is there?” he asked quietly. Namida’s grief was punishment enough, but he didn’t want to think of any of this or anything as punishment against him. At the end of it all, Namida did what he had to do. “You can’t undo it, and there was no other choice. I… I will not do anything to you, Namida. Our grief is enough alone.”
Namida’s gaze fell away from Horatius. Even if it went unsaid, even if Namida wasn’t the best at reading people, he could see and feel the betrayed feelings that came from the other. Namida slowly crawled his way to Horatius’ knees, resting his forehead on the very edge of them.
“I… I don’t know a stronger word to use for sorry… it’s not enough anyways… the grief isn’t enough… it’ll never be enough for what wrongs I’ve done to you and Zero… I…”
A second passed before Horatius moved and he slowly reached forward with one of his hands, placing it on Namida’s head. It still felt like lead and he couldn’t bring himself to slowly move it back and forth over the other’s hair, so he let it sit there. Like a rock… just as his heart sat still in his chest. Though it still twisted painfully as he listened to the other, as if his words were wringing it out like a damp towel.
“If… if what you say is true,” he began slowly and heavily, “I don’t doubt you, but you said it was to save others. I think… perhaps Zero knew what you had to do. He was aware of the prophecy and so followed through with it. I still do not rest well with the fact that he’s… gone… but it was for the greater good. There’s nothing we can do about it, even now.”
Namida had to conceal shivers at Horatius’ touch. Even if there was no stroking, he felt so conflicted and sick at it. How could Horatius still give him this love after everything? Allow him to confide in him at all?? He couldn’t tell. He didn’t know how his mind worked sometimes.
But when Horatius said that… a horrible vision played back in his mind. So horrible that every part of him stiffened, noticeably so.
There was an overwhelming smell of smoke that filled his lungs. So much so that it made him feel like he’d never taking a sip of water in his life. The entire world around him burnt like hell, the sky was filled with red like blood, not from the fire, not from the smoke, but the eclipse that hung eerily in the sky. Below at his feet was the one he cared for the most, a god that leveled towns and mountains if he so desired. Crushed by his zombie like citizens that were all dying alongside their lands around them. Namida held his staff shakily in his hand, shutting his eyes tight to rid the burning world around him. He jolted his hand forward, a gushing sound and cough sounded from the other end of the stick. There was then a gurgled laugh, one that shook Namida to the very bone.
”Traitor…. You…. could save me…. Yet you kill me— I— hope you….- burn in hell with me….-“
Namida violently shook his head before squirming out of Horatius’ touch and sliding a ways away from him, holding up a horrified defensive hand in front of his chest. The symbol that was always found there began to spin violently, golden sparks flew from it. Namida held his head, letting out a terrified whimper.
“No—… he never believed the prophecy— he…. He— when I-…. N-no….”
“Oh.” Horatius had no idea what to say at first and it was as if the world around him stopped again. Zero dying without fully understanding why he was, staring to someone’s hands he viewed as his closest. To perish without fully believing in why you would die was terrifying, and Horatius could only feel a cold shiver go down his back. It was only a fraction of the terror Zero might’ve felt, the desperate bid for life and freedom, only to be snuffed out like a candle.
“But… it was real,” he tried to reason, attempting to push the horrifying image out of his mind and focus harder on his hands. While Namida pulled away, he didn’t want to look up into his face, not if he could catch a glimpse of Zero’s mirrored expression in his final moments. “You did what you must. I… I understand your reasoning… even if he never could.”
Then why, why was Horatius kept in the dark? If Namida could’ve never convinced Zero, then why didn’t he try asking Horatius for help? Why couldn’t he have tried to help alongside them, make his moments of passing peaceful rather than earth shattering?
Namida then frantically scrambled back to his feet, as he did, he nearly tumbled back over from how shaky and weak his knees were. He held himself, as if it was him trying to support himself up to a standing position. He gave a loud long groan, one that was strung with pure panic and agony combined. He grabbed and pulled at his hair, shaking his head over and over again.
“It was— but…- I knew deep down he knew it was true yet…. Yet he—“ Namida let out a loud cry. As he did, a new thunder strike struck nearby, which made him jump. He turned on his heel and began to pace after.
“He… I— I can’t… I can’t—! I…—“ all he felt now was his heart ramming in his dear drums. wom wom wom was the sound it made, as if he was being dunked under frigid and fast running water upside down. He felt like he was dying now, not in the way it felt earlier, but… just pure panic. Panic Namida has never even thought was a feeling before. Namida’s breath was unsteady, more than before, so much so that it was audible, loud, loud enough to be heard past the now hammering rain. Namida stumbled on his feet as he paced. Was he dying? Was this what death felt like? This incoming doom? What was he going to do? What… what was he going to do? Something was wrong. Very wrong. He could only concentrate on one thing, that look of pure disgust that Zero gave him the last time they ever saw each other. Was he dying now? Was this the price for his sins?
Horatius moved without thinking and he stood in a motion so fluid that he could barely believe he managed to do so without falling over. Namida’s words hurtled towards him like bits of shattered glass, tearing his very soul apart as the one person he had left began to fracture and tear at what was left of his seams. This couldn’t be allowed, he couldn’t panic.
On feet far steadier than he would’ve thought, he tried to intercept the panicking dragon, holding out his hands in order to stop the other in his tracks. It wouldn’t do Namida any favors to devolve into another unrecognizable mess of sobs and tears, especially when the world was already flipped on its head. The thunder only spurred him to comfort the other, to try making peace with the one constant left in his life. Reaching forward, Horatius stopped Namida in his tracks and took his hands in his own.
It hurt to do this, it hurt to be the one with a level head when all he wanted to do was to wither away in the middle of the floor. He didn’t want to be the one who thought about calming down, he wanted to cry as much as the other and bury himself beneath layers of rock. But Namida was slipping through his fingers, and now he couldn’t forsake the one who needed him so desperately.
“My dearest… look at me,” he said, squeezing the other’s hands, “Will you? What’s happened has been set into stone, and there is nothing that you can do to change it. Life goes on, for me and for you. It’s painful, I want nothing more than to give into the panic as well, but you’ll destroy yourself, Namida. The dead… they will understand with time.”
Namida then skidded and halted in his tracks. He turned and tried to stare back at Horatius, but it was all a blur now. He keeled over, trying to gain back his breath. He couldn’t breathe- he couldn’t breathe…- he was going to die, wasn’t he? This was it. His hands squeezed tightly around Horatius, so much that it might’ve been bone crushing, he huffed and huffed over and over, gasping for breath. He could breathe perfectly fine, but of course was blind to that fact.
“N-no—… he hates me— I… I can’t— I can’t breathe I can’t—“ Namida’s voice continued to shake, he fell into Horatius slightly, letting out an even more pained gasp.
As if things couldn’t get any worse, the weather outside grew more and more dangerous. Another thunder strike struck the tower, but this time was followed by an odd crackling noise that lasted for too long. Namida was too numb to pay much mind to it, but it caught the eye of somebody else important.
Someone entered the office with a lack of warning. Her eyes pierced over at the two, before she made her way towards the time god, floating beside him with a serious expression. Nihility.
“Namida needs to go.” Was all she said.
His grip around the other tightened as his mind raced amidst the fuzzy sludge. Horatius had never been the best at comforting people, always trying to use his words in hopes to diffuse situations, but with his mind in such a mess, he could barely even bring himself to be the one with a level head. His heart raced faster and faster as he attempted to open his mouth, to beg for Namida to listen to him, that he couldn’t crumble apart, but he swiftly lost all words by the arrival of the other.
With Nihility entering, he once more became painfully aware of the increasingly furious storm threatening to tear out the window behind him. The sound was so deafening between the wind, the thunder, and the blinding flashes of lightning that he couldn’t believe that he turned a blind ear on it for so long. How? How did he not notice? His throat went dry and he gave a nod at her, once more trying to gather up what was left of his usual self.
“Thank you,” he acknowledged, though somewhat brokenly. All it took was the smell of something singed as orange glowing embers began to swallow up Horatius and Namida as if they were nothing but pieces of paper within a fire place. As the embers consumed them, they vanished until there was nothing left but a puff of smoldering ashes and smoke. He had no idea how he managed to gather himself up enough for using his own magic, but he somehow managed, as if he were sitting in the eye of a storm.
—
They both appeared somewhere else. Not his home, not Zero’s, just someplace else. Horatius may have known the place, but it didn’t matter to him. His entire focus was still centered on Namida.
“Please breathe for me,” he said, going back to comforting, “Namida, please focus on me.”
Before Namida could even process his next coming thought, the two were someplace else. The rain seemed to follow them, as the once sunny sky was slowly being overtaken by cloudy storms. But it was nothing horrible yet.
Namida still could barely process anything, it all only came numb to him. It felt like someone had stabbed some sort of anesthesia all over him, as even Horatius words fell flat to his ears. But like rainy days, the clouds can blow away as if it never brought a storm.
Namida caught his breath again, slowing down. He felt pins and needles all over his body, every limb and every cell in his being rang like static. He could only stare at the Phoenix with perplexed confusion. It was… safe again? But….
“What… I-… I’m sorry…” Namida slowly backed away, his usual demeanor slipping back a bit despite all the despair. His more blank expression fell down to the side. It was fine again, it left as fast as it came. What was all of that? Namida felt tired. So tired, he wanted to fall asleep. He didn’t know for how long though, a long long time. Maybe it’d be better for everybody if he did.
Relief— something that Horatius didn’t know he was even capable of feeling anymore— settled in over his shoulders as the following storm began to lose its momentum and becoming nothing more than a cloudy day. He had been expecting to hold onto Namida, trying to snap him out of the panic to the point of raising his voice into a shout, but he thankfully never had to cross that boundary. Namida was beginning to calm down and finally, the world was regaining some structure.
When Namida tried to pull away, Horatius almost stopped him by roping him into a hug, though he thought against it at first, knowing that this was already difficult grounds for the both of them. Still, he didn’t let go of the other’s hands, his grip tightening. What if he let go and the horrors overtook the other again? What if he couldn’t draw him out of the spiral?
“Namida… please look at me,” he said, taking another step forward, “The world feels empty… I know that much. But do not let this consume you. We are still alive, we know what must be done. Zero… he—… he’ll understand in time. Hate does not persist for that long. The storm has passed on, much as life will do. Please, do not break yourself down. I understand that it’s… almost impossible but you are still needed.”
Namida bowed his head again, trying his best to recollect what little he had left of his mind. But at Horatius’ words, he finally looked him in the eye, he didn’t know how long it had been. He listened intently, every little word was something that aided him in some way. While it wasn’t much, it was better than the cold loneliness. Namida then found himself slowly nodding along with his words, though couldn’t believe them fully.
“His last words… he wouldn’t forgive me. I couldn’t forgive myself either… not ever. I won’t anyways… not after everything I’ve done. I…” Namida paused, before letting go of a shaky sigh. He shook his head again. “I can’t forgive myself… I really can’t but… I had to do it— it hurts so much but… it’s what fate sewn for me—“ his voice cracked more and more with each word.
Namida looked back at Horatius, before slowly reaching his hand up to his cheek, with great hesitation albeit.
“Horatius… do you—“