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When Regulus was 10 years old, for the first time ever, he was so excited for Christmas so that Sirius would come home and share all his stories about Hogwarts and so he wouldn’t have to deal with his parents alone, they had gotten so much worse since he left.
He was ecstatic. So giddy to see his big brother again. However when he did, all Sirius spoke about was James Potter.
“Oh Reg, did I tell you that James-“
“And then James-“
“Oh and you should have seen what James did-“
“Reggie, you are going to love James-“
Everything was James this, James that and Regulus began to resent the boy who stole his brother away, to the point where when Sirius went back to school in the new year, he was relieved. Relieved that he wouldn’t have to hear about the amazing James Potter anymore.
Can you imagine that ? Sirius, the boy who he was pining for for months, scared without him, lonely without him, daydreaming of the day he would come home and he was relieved when he was going away again, just so he wouldn’t have to hear about James.
He would never tell Sirius, of course but he swore that he would always despise James Potter.
Eventually September 1972 came around and Regulus was dreading the train ride, hoping he could slip away and not sit with Sirius and his friends, or more specifically, not with James. Unfortunately, Sirius had dragged him into his compartment and that is where James and Regulus met for the first time.
As soon as Regulus set his eyes on James, his heart dropped, his mouth became dry and his stomach felt all swirly. He put it down to the fact that this is the boy he hates, the boy hes been dreading meeting for months.
At the same time, however, he became increasingly sad.
Because everything Sirius had said was true, this boy was amazing and funny and kind and loveable. Those beautiful brown eyes and that dumb smile, Regulus couldn’t take his eyes off of him.
How could he ever live up to him ?
Realistically, James has been a better brother to Sirius in a year than Regulus has ever been in 11 years.
❀˖°
Before James even met Regulus, he felt he practically knew everything about him because of conversations he would have with Sirius. Sirius would always find a way to bring the conversation back to Regulus, his little brother. Every time Sirius spoke about Regulus, his eyes would light up. James grew to adore this boy, loved knowing that sirius had someone in that house, it reassured him that even though Sirius’ parents are awful, he had someone.
James couldn’t wait to meet him.
When James did meet Regulus for the first time, his eyes lit up and his stomach felt all swirly, the boy he had heard so many good things about was finally here.
But, he looked so different to what he was picturing. Yes, he looked like Sirius’ twin but that dark curly hair and those icy blue eyes made his heart skip a beat.
Unfortunately, as giddy and excited as James came across, Regulus was unpleasant and seemed to have a staring problem.
He very quickly learned that he was nothing like his brother but that intrigued him, he wanted to learn everything and more about this boy.
This beautiful boy.
However, he barely spoke on the train and once he got sorted into Slytherin, they practically never spoke again unless sirius was nearby but James was still so fascinated by him, got a funny feeling in his stomach and a fluttery sensation in his heart.
But Regulus wanted nothing to do with him.
❀˖°
After Sirius ran away in their fifth year, Sirius’ eyes no longer lit up when he spoke about Regulus, instead they filled with sadness.
Regulus still despised James. Even more now that he has officially stolen his big brother away.
❀˖°
In Regulus’ fourth year, he shared a kiss with his friend, Barty. Neither of them were sure if it was a joke or not but either way, it terrified him because he liked it. Kissing a boy was.. Well it was everything.
However, he knew his parents view on that. He knew the worlds view on that.
And so out of fear and disgust, he pushed it all away. But not before he realised that the swirly feeling he felt for James, was exactly what he felt for Barty.
Not hatred.
Love.
Pushing it away didn’t work, however. His only thoughts were that big smile and those beautiful eyes. Every time he went back to Barty, he only thought of James.
He felt disgusted by himself.
Not only because he’s thinking of someone else whilst kissing someone.
But because he fell for the boy he seemingly hated, the boy who stole his brother away and unknowingly made him sob at night for months. The boy who made him hate himself and the boy who made him feel like he wasn’t enough.
Wasn’t enough for his big brother.
But again, all his thoughts, dreams and daydreams were occupied with one thing:
James Fleamont Potter.
That boy whos family his parents hate, that boy who his brother adores, that boy who everyone loves but Regulus.
And so one night, after he shared his last kiss with Barty, Regulus made a vow to himself, to never ever allow himself to show his true feelings to James Potter.
And he stuck to it.
Until one night in his sixth year.
❀˖°
James Potter had always been in love with one person. Lily Evans.
He never questioned that.
Not even when he got the same swirly feeling for her that he did for Regulus.
Not even when he looked at Lily the same way he looked at Regulus in that train compartment.
What he felt for Lily Evans was what he presumed love was.
That beautiful girl.
The girl of his dreams.
He never ever questioned that.
Not until one night in his seventh year.
❀˖°
It all started on 5th February 1977, a cool Saturday evening, on the astronomy tower.
Regulus is sat cross-legged on the floor, a black journal in front of him with a quill and pot of ink to the side, he’s gazing up at the soon to be dark sky, not expecting to be disturbed until James barges into the tower, loud as always, causing Regulus to jump and turn his head, eyes instantly narrowing as he sees who it is, but as always his stomach feels all swirly.
James gives him a sheepish smile but makes no effort to conceal his giddiness. Despite Regulus’ subtle scowl, James sits next to him. Despite Regulus’ reluctance, James makes conversation. And despite Regulus’ best efforts, he ends up smiling and laughing and James ends up gazing at him with full on heart eyes.
And this is when Regulus realises that he has broken his vow.
❀˖°
When Regulus went to bed that night, his mind was even more full of James than it usually is, thinking of the conversation they just had, how utterly besotted Regulus made himself look, how he just broke the one rule he had for himself.
“You know, I never expected to have a conversation with you that lasted over a minute”
“No ? I thought you were an optimist.”
And then James laughed, oh that beautiful laugh that Regulus adores.
He thinks that if he had a choice, he would choose to hear that laugh and only that laugh for the rest of his life. That lovely sound that sends warmth straight to Regulus’ stomach, makes that swirly feeling turn into a tornado.
Regulus is mad at himself, mad that he is yearning for this boy like he never has. He needs James more than anything. Regulus has barely seen half of James and yet he adores every single part of him, he wants to worship him, kiss every part of him and make him feel so loved.
Regulus craves James.
“You don’t mind do you ? I’ll sit quietly, I promise.”
He, in fact, does not sit quietly and Regulus loves it. Loves hearing his voice, hearing him ramble.
“I usually come up here, you know, sometimes I only do it after a quidditch match or.. If I’ve had a rough day. What about you ? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you up here. To be honest, I never really see you anywhere anymore.. Not that.. I’m searching for you or whatever, I just.. Mm.. What are you doing anyway?”
Regulus barely listened to a word he said. Just focused on the sound of his voice, the way his pitch changes, the way his adams’ apple moves as he speaks, the way his lips move. Regulus is mesmerised.
He dreams about him. Dreams about his voice, his hair, his smile, his hands.. Just..
Him.
James, on the other hand, is scared. As he was walking back to the common room, he thought of nothing but Regulus’ eyes, his small smile, his hands, his voice.. James realised that the feelings he felt for Regulus was more than just curiosity.
So. Much. More.
He had a crush on Regulus.
A crush on Regulus Black
Regulus Black.
His best friends brother.
Oh no
He had a crush on Sirius’ brother.
James panicked, he could have been sick right there. The thought of having to look Sirius in the eye after this made him nearly gag.
How is he going to do this ?
Thankfully, Sirius wasn’t in the common room or their dorm. Lily was though, and for the first time, James brushed her off. He felt terrible but he just needed to be alone.
That night, he dreamt of Regulus.
❀˖°
For two weeks, these ‘accidental’ meetings happened nearly everyday. Regulus would come up to the astronomy tower to study and James would mindlessly end up there anyway.
James would talk and Regulus would listen. He would try and make Regulus laugh and succeed every time.
Sometimes, though, James would just watch Regulus study or sometimes they would both just sit in silence. That’s when Regulus knew James had had a bad day. He didn’t mind.
Just the presence of Regulus cheered James up anyway.
But it didn’t matter, no matter what they did, it would stay on their minds until their next meeting.
❀˖°
One night, James makes Regulus laugh. He doesn’t even remember what the joke was, all he remembers is that beautiful sound that came out of his mouth. He’s heard it a dozen times before but for some reason it just.. Hits him differently tonight. That sound could fuel James for years to come. James freezes for a moment as he hears it, they both just stop for a second.
Their eyes meet.
And for a moment, their hearts sync.
Their breathing the same.
And then, their lips meet.
Neither is certain who made the first move. The only thing they are certain of, is that it is wonderful. The moment their lips connect, the whole world disappears around them. It’s just them.
But then they break apart and the first thing James does is smile.
Of course, Regulus thinks.
Regulus, however, panics. He pauses for a moment, just taking in James’ face, his slightly swollen lips and eyes that are glazed over but then he panics.
He mumbles out an apology and then gets up to leave. By the time James realises what is happening, Regulus has already left.
James swallows, feeling ashamed.
He looks up at the sky and he finds Sirius’ star almost immediately.
Oh, Sirius
James just kissed his brother.
His heart drops, James knows this can’t go any further, he could never hurt Sirius like that.
But oh how he adores Regulus.
How can you trade one brother for another ?
James wants both. Yet he cannot have both.
James stays seated for a number of minutes, frozen.
His only thoughts are Regulus’ lips, that little gasp he did when their lips first met, the way his eyes fluttered open as they disconnected, that gorgeous face.
His next thought, however, is Lily.
Oh, that wonderful girl.
The girl James was- is going to marry.
James loves Lily.
..But does he ?
He always got that swirly feeling with her. His heart always skipped a beat when he saw her. But not like it did with Regulus. James wants Lily.
But not in the way he wants Regulus.
James frowns. How can he want two people ? How can he adore two people ?
❀˖°
Regulus is fucked. Oh he is so fucked.
He just kissed James Potter.
The boy he has been in love with since he was eleven years old. Maybe not consciously, but he always knew it was love at first sight for him.
Always.
But now, here he is, back in his dorm nearly sobbing because of James Potter. Again.
Oh how could he be so cruel ? Why were the conversations not enough for him ? Why must he dangle something so lovely in front of Regulus, knowing that neither of them can ever give into it. Regulus hates him. But oh, how he loves him. His first and last thoughts will always be James.
That wonderful, wonderful boy.
❀˖°
Despite running away, the very next night Regulus finds himself at the astronomy tower. As does James.
James honestly never expected to see Regulus again, at least not so soon yet here they are. For what feels like hours, they sit in silence, not daring to look at each other. Until, Regulus reaches for James’ hand, James turns to look at him, eyes turning to hearts immediately.
“We can’t let my brother know”
Is all Regulus says. And, for now, that is all James needs to hear before they kiss again. And somehow, it’s better than the first time. Their lips know each other now, as do their hands as they reach for one another, grasping at clothing and skin, their breathing syncing once again as they both prove their love without saying it.
They still don’t look at each other in public, they can’t. They know that if they do, this turns into something real, something that they cannot and will not come back from.
Deep down, Regulus knows that he has already gone too far, knows that there is no coming back for him. But he’s alright with that for now, as long as he can have James, even if it’s just for a little while. he’s fine. He’s wonderful actually.
Happy, even.
However as soon as they make it behind closed doors, whether that be a random broom cupboard or underneath the quidditch stands or the astronomy tower, they are all over each other. Once again, professing their love without saying anything.
The only issue is, is that James secretly hates the Regulus he sees in public. The Regulus that bullies first years with his friends, the Regulus that insults the muggle-borns, the Regulus that gives dirty looks to anyone that passes by him. James also hates that he still loves that version.
James thinks that he will forever love every version of Regulus, in every single universe, no matter what sins they have committed. Because that’s the thing with love, isn’t it ? We don’t get to decide when we stop or start, there’s no pause button or rewind, it just.. happens and then it’s all over.
But James never wants this to be over.
Never ever.
❀˖°
Eventually, however, April comes around.
Easter.
Regulus has to go home.
The last time they meet is the night before, they do what they always do, they nervously smile at each other and before they know it, they’ve finished.
This time, however, they do not go their separate ways straight away. James grabs Regulus’ hand as he goes to leave.
“Please stay”
Is all he says, Regulus knows he is not talking about right now. He knows that he’s talking about Easter.
And oh, doesn’t that just feel like a dagger through his heart.
Regulus hesitates, James takes that as a yes and smiles.
“We can’t do this anymore, James.”
James’s smile drops. Regulus can’t help but flinch, who does he think he is, making that beautiful smile disappear ?
“Don’t do this. Please Reg, you.. You can’t do this. Please just.. Just a bit longer ? I know, I know it’s wrong but.. I.. Please, I can’t lose you. Not yet. Not when this is so.. So wonderful”
“Don’t make this harder for me, James. This past month has been.. Amazing, but we.. We both know nothing can come of it”
“I don’t care. I want- I need something to come of it. I need you, Regulus. Merlin, I crave you, every one of my dreams is about you.. I can’t.. I can’t lose you. Please, I.. I lov-“
Regulus stops him with a kiss. He knows what James is going to say and he can’t hear it. He doesn’t want to. Not yet. Not when he knows what’s waiting for him at home.
Afterwards. Is all thinks.
After.
James allows the kiss to happen, doesn’t say anything else for the rest of the night.
I can wait, he thinks, You’re worth the wait.
❀˖°
Regulus returns to Hogwarts, two weeks later, with an itchy forearm and heavy guilt.
“Regulus Arcturus Black, only heir to the most noble and ancient house of Black, do you swear your undying loyalty to Lord Voldemort.”
“I do.”
And then a searing pain in his arm, black inky lines forming make their way onto his forearm. Forever branded.
Barty knows immediately. He always does. He gives him a proud smile. Regulus forces one back.
Even now, Barty is a close friend. They don’t let what happened between them stop their friendship.
At least, Regulus doesn’t.
Barty just tries.
Evan pities him, Regulus can see it in his eyes. Evan, his first true friend. Regulus loves him more than words can say. Evan is the only one who knows about James and Regulus is the only one who knows about Evans’ feelings towards Barty. That’s their bond.
Trust.
A year ago, this would have been his dream, finally making his parents proud, but he can only think of one thing.
James.
Regulus has been dreading seeing him until he locks eyes with him in the Great Hall.
Those beautiful brown eyes.
And suddenly he feels at ease. His arm isn’t bothering him, his brain goes empty apart from the thought of James Potter.
That beautiful boy.
That night, they once again make their way to the astronomy tower and as always, James smiles. Regulus, however, does not smile back.
“I love you”
Is what Regulus says. James freezes on the spot. Regulus shifts his weight awkwardly and pulls his sleeves down over his hands.
He doesn’t know how much longer he has left with James and so he wants- no, needs him to know.
“I’ve loved you for years, James. I.. I think I always have, in a way.. Um.. I just.. I know you were about to say it before Easter but.. I just.. needed you to hear it from me, first.”
For once in his life, James Potter is speechless.
If Regulus wasn’t utterly terrified right now, he’d laugh. He had made the James Potter, the boy known for his rambling, speechless. Instead, though, he turns to leave, barely in control of his body but before he even makes two steps, James has him in his arms.
Two different bodies yet they are connected.
Their hearts beat together.
Their breathing synced.
As their lips, once again, meet.
That night consists of matching breathlessness and gasped out “I love yous”.
Possibly the best night of both of their lives because for the first time, they are professing their love for each other and saying it.
❀˖°
For weeks this is their life, two bodies but one soul. One beating heart. For weeks, it feels as if all Regulus’ worries have gone away. Nothing can harm them. James is more happy than ever before. Yes, they have to keep a secret but they make this fun. Yes, they have to lie to people but isn’t that part of life ?
They’re happy. And that’s all that matters to them.
❀˖°
One night in late June, they find themselves in the astronomy tower, as usual. This time, however, they are not kissing or having sex, they’re just.. Talking.
James talks about his worries for the N.E.W.Ts that are taking place in just under a weeks time and Regulus comforts him.
Regulus does not speak about his worries about his family and his future and so James does not comfort him.
James has brought some butterbeer this time, Regulus rolls his eyes because James knows he hates it.
“You’ve never even tried it !”
“Sometimes you don’t need to try something to know you hate it”
“Please try it ? Just for me ?”
And there are those beautiful brown eyes again and Regulus just melts. James smiles and holds the bottle out for him.
And for some reason, some reason that Regulus will never fully know, he rolls up his sleeves.
Maybe it’s too hot. Maybe he just felt like it.
But before he takes the bottle from James, he rolls up both of his sleeves.
James freezes immediately. His eyes fixated on Regulus’ left forearm. Regulus frowns for a moment but then it hits him.
Fuck
“Reg.. What the fuck is that”
“James.. I.. Please I can explain.. I-“
“No. No, no please Reg, please just.. Just say this is a joke or.. Or..”
“It’s.. It’s not.. It’s real, James.. I’m so so-“
“Don’t you dare say you’re sorry, don’t you fucking dare. Why ? Why, Regulus ?”
Regulus just shakes his head and James stands up
“Please, James, please don’t leave me. Don’t ruin this”
“Me ruin this ? Me ? Fuck you, Regulus. How dare you. I.. I could’ve given you everything, but you chose them. You’ve chosen them.”
His voice breaks at the same time that Regulus heart does.
And with that, James leaves.
This moment will be on Regulus’ mind for years to come.
Why did he roll his sleeves up ? He never rolls his sleeves up. James could have easily opened that stupid lid by himself, why did he have to involve himself ? He didn’t even have time to fully explain himself.
“What is there to explain ?” The voice in the back of his head yells, sounding eerily like Sirius.
Regulus hates James.
No. No he doesn’t.
That beautiful boy, how could he ever hate him.
No.
Regulus hates himself. Hates everything about himself. How weak he his, how pathetic he is for falling in love with someone he knew he could never have.
Regulus doesn’t want to think of James anymore and yet.. That’s all he can think about.
❀˖°
A few weeks later, exams are over. The seventh years are graduating soon and Regulus will be going home and not returning.
It’s one of their final days of school and that’s when Regulus sees James’ eyes, those beautiful brown eyes, looking at her.
Looking at her the way he looked at Regulus.
That’s not fair, Regulus thinks selfishly, You’re only supposed to look at me like that
But then he realises that James hasn’t looked at him like that in a while. Not since.. Mm..
He still forgets sometimes. Still forgets that neither of them make their way to the astronomy tower anymore. Still forgets that James isn’t his anymore.
Was he ever though ? Regulus doesn’t know the answer to that.
How can so much go wrong in 4 months ? Regulus doesn’t know the answer to that either.
He wishes he did. He wishes he knew the answer to a lot of things. But he doesn’t.
However, Regulus still thinks it’s unfair. He spent 4 long years loving James, quietly, and she loves him for, what ? A week ? And she gets him ?
Regulus doesn’t see how that’s fair. He only made one mistake. One mistake and he lost everything ?
Why her ?, He screams in his head, staring at James, Why not me ?
James doesn’t look at him. James never looks at him anymore.
Why did he have to roll up his sleeve ?
Why
Why
Why
Regulus will continue asking those questions till his dying day. Up until his very last moments.
His only thought, forever, will be James.
As he sees James kiss her for the first time
James
As he tells his parents he doesn’t want to return to Hogwarts.
James
As he goes on his first mission.
James
As he devotes himself to Lord Voldemort.
James
As he realises something terrible..
James
As he finds that cave.
James
As he writes the note.
James
As he realises he’s never getting out.
James
James
James
James
James
James
J-
❀˖°
James and Sirius are sat in his apartment with Remus and Lily when suddenly they both sort of.. Freeze. Sirius nearly drops his cup and James feels breathless. They both squirm uncomfortably then lock eyes, they both frown then turn to see Remus and Lily looking at them oddly.
“You okay, love ?” Lily asks, James just nods
Remus tilts his head at Sirius and Sirius waves him off.
A week later, they find out that Regulus Black is dead.
James comforts Sirius as he sobs in his arms.
James feels nothing.
However, as James lies in bed that night, Lily by his side, he wants to mourn.
But what would he be mourning ?
That beautiful 11 year old in the train compartment ?
Or that sad 13 year old as his brother began ignoring him ?
Or that lovely 15 year old as he kissed him for the first time ?
Or that very same terrified 15 year old as James walked away for the last time ?
Or is he mourning the made up version, the boy who he never walked away from, the boy who stayed in school, the boy who he cherished and held so close to his heart.
Instead, James feels.. numb.
Because that version never existed.
Either way, James is sure that he will never feel whole again.
❀˖°
3 years later, James is opening his door to someone he never expected and his immediate thought is
Regulus
He has no idea why, he hasn’t thought about him for years. That boy.
Oh that lovely boy.
He never allowed himself to mourn because.. Who would he be if he allowed himself to mourn a deatheater ?
That’s all Regulus was to him in the end.
A deatheater.
Never Reg, the boy he loves.
No, he was Regulus Black, that deatheater.
His next thought is Sirius. Oh Sirius, his brother.
He’s going to get the blame.
James loves him and yet he can’t save him.
In the end, he thinks ironically, he did choose one brother over the other.
And his final thoughts are about Harry and Lily. His family. His beautiful family.
As he sees the green light, his thoughts are about Lily. Only Lily.
Maybe in another universe it would be Harry and Regulus. His family. His beautiful family.
But..
Why not this one ?