Archive of Our Own ^beta

It was almost a typical Stark party. However for once it wasn’t for his benefit of any kind. For the first time since Y/N had joined the avengers, they were celebrating her birthday. While it may seem odd that they hadn’t done so before, it was because Y/N didn’t want them to fuss over her. For years they had attempted to throw her a party, but she never wanted it and reminded them every time they had tried. 

At first she refused to give up the date when she first joined to allow them to throw some kind of celebration. After FRIDAY gave up the day, Y/N always found out about the details that allowed her to evade every get together or surprise party they attempted. They’d throw the party and she’d never show until she was sure they had given up. Or she’d take on missions to avoid the compound altogether.

In truth, Y/N felt as though she didn’t deserve the party they had been so desperately wanting her to be a part of. She couldn’t ever recall a time where her birth had been celebrated. There weren’t an increasing amount of candles to blow out. After years of having nothing, it had become just another day to her. And now that several people wanted to celebrate her birthday, it was overwhelming. 

That was until a few months ago that Bucky had been volunteered to convince his girlfriend to actually have a birthday party. If anyone could convince her, it’d be Bucky. He couldn’t get out of the small parties that Steve insisted they have for him. Unlike Y/N, he couldn’t escape his best friends tactics from it. 

And after weeks of convincing and reassuring Y/N that it wasn’t the worst thing in the world to have a party thrown for her, she finally agreed to it. It also didn’t hurt to add in that any time he was forced to attend a party for his, she was a willing participant that helped him enjoy the night. For once he wanted to be able to see her enjoy herself on her birthday. 

That was how she currently found herself surrounded by plenty of people that she knew and didn’t know. Many of them had been staff within the compound that she hardly ever talked to. If it hadn’t been for the conversations and words of encouragement from Bucky and her teammates, she would have bolted for the door hours ago. 

But now, she was beginning to feel antsy and the one person that promised he’d by her side the majority of the night was nowhere to be seen. Even as her eyes scanned the crowd she couldn’t find Bucky. Usually she could pick him out rather easy in any room, but right now she couldn’t. 

As her eyes finished her scan, she found Steve and Sam talking across the way causing her to start making her way over. As she had, her eyes kept looking for Bucky the whole time hoping he’d pop up. 

“Have you seen Bucky?” She asked as she came up to them. 

They had stopped mid conversation the moment she spoke. They both hadn’t missed the anxiousness that was visible in her eyes. While they hardly ever seen that side of her before, they both knew that this was a first for her. They expected there to be some hesitancy on her part.

Steve tilted his head towards the hall at the other end of the room. “He got a phone call a few minutes ago. Couldn’t hear over the music.”

She didn’t blame him. The music levels were just loud enough that some people had to speak louder just to be heard. Any louder and she was sure people would have to be mouth to ear in this place to hear anything. 

“Thanks.” She said giving him a smile. 

“We’re going to be bringing out the cake soon.” Sam added. “Don’t take too long.”

Y/N rolled her eyes and shook her head. “No promises!” She said before she turned and started making her way towards the hall. 

When she reached the hall, her eyes began scanning each room as she walked past them, looking for Bucky. She soon realized that only one room, at the very end of the hall had been closed. A small smile pulled at her lips once more as she made her way over to that door. 

Her thoughts instantly going to the playful things she could say to him as she walked into the door. She could joke about how he was hiding away when he promised he’d be there. She could also joke that when his birthday came around, she would be able to hide away. The many things she could say just to help ease the anxiety that was bubbling within her. 

“Hey Buck-” As she opened the door, she froze. The playful question about him hiding away never got the chance to pass her lips. 

Bucky stood at the opposite side of the desk with a file opened and papers scattered. Several pictures were mixed in with the pages that had been on the desk. A document was in his hand as if he had been reading it moments before she had opened the door. 

Curiosity should have filled her with what he currently had his eyes trained on, but it wasn’t. Fear filled her as she recognized the contents of the file he had been going through. All of the information in that file she had tried her hardest to destroy. The life she no longer wished to be a part of was contained within that file. The lies to her life laid out on display. 

Taking a shuddering breath, she stepped into the room and closed the door. She kept her back to the door, with her hands on the handle. The simple need to grasp onto it just in case she needed to make a quick getaway. 

“I need you to let me explain.” 

The instant the words left her mouth, Bucky’s eyes snapped to her. He had heard her when she opened the door, but he couldn’t bring himself to look at her. Not when his eyes were still scanning the document in his hand, taking in the information. 

His heart had been in his stomach from the moment he opened the file. Before he opened it, he felt as though he shouldn’t and trust Y/N. He wanted to believe that there was no reason to worry and whatever was in that file was going to prove his recent suspicions to be wrong. But they weren’t. 

Being free from the memories tied to it makes it easier to get the job done. 

A simple phrase she had said weeks ago had stuck with him. A siren going off within his mind that felt wrong. For someone such as Y/N, who joined from SHIELD, shouldn’t know what it’s like to have her memories wiped. Then again, he had no idea what SHIELD was capable of doing behind closed doors. 

It didn’t stop Bucky from wanting the answers himself without dropping a thousand questions on Y/N. He knew the sudden interest in her past would raise questions. While Bucky knew as much about Y/N as she was willing to give, she still had walls up and Bucky respected some of those walls. Just as she had with some of his. But now he had the answers directly in front of him and he hated himself for not seeing it sooner. 

“Who are you?” His voice was loud enough for her to hear. His voice hardly held any emotion even though his expressions conveyed everything he was feeling. 

“You know who I am.” She responded as she lifted her head up a little higher. Almost as if she was bracing herself for the blow. 

“Obviously I don’t.” His right hand gestured towards the desk. “Your background was pretty extensive, I’m amazed that you made it through Tony’s security checks with how much I have sitting on this desk.”

“It’s not that hard for Hydra to create a false identity when you don’t exactly have one.” Much like the calmness in his voice, her’s matched. On the inside, her heart was racing. She was sure her eyes had displayed the fear and guilt she was currently feeling. Her eyes took in every bit of him. Studying him and keeping herself ready for anything she hoped wouldn’t happen. “The person in that file is dead. Has been for several years.” 

A scoff passed his lips as he shook his head. “If she’s dead, who’s birthday are they currently out there celebrating?”

They. He hadn’t included himself in that sentence and Y/N had picked up on that right away. There was a change from earlier this morning when he took her out to breakfast and left a gift on her bed side table to wake up to. She assumed that the time he took to celebrate her birthday ended when he got his phone call, no doubt signalling the arrival of the file. 

“Still mine.” There was the slightest nod of her head as she tried to ensure his questions were answered as quickly as she could without them seeming rehearsed, even though there were times where she practiced for the day she would tell him. “They-” She stopped herself. There was no use in avoiding the truth. “Hydra believed that if I had no ties to my former life, I would do as they pleased. But when creating a backstory, they used my real birth date. It was only after I left that I found out it was the right date. Everything else was different.”

His eyes took her in as she finished. He could see how she was almost in a defensive stance. Her arm behind her back no doubt holding the handle on the door. The defensive reflex reminding him of many times he had seen other soldiers hold that stance in a room that he was in. An easier way to leave when the opportunity presented itself. 

He wondered how many other times there was something that had seemed so familiar to him that had gone unnoticed. For every memory that had been returned to him, he never knew who she was when they first met. He would have known if she was mixed in the sea of memories, but she never encountered him while he was under Hydra’s hold. 

But now he knew that brief moment of a gut feeling when he met her for the first time was an actual warning he should have listened to. But it had been Steve, and occasionally Sam, that reminded him that once she opened up, she wasn't as guarded and neither of them had felt off about her presence. It turns out they had been wrong. 

"I get it." She said a moment later when he hadn’t said anything. “This is a bunch of new information that you're taking in. Maybe you need a little more time to process." Her hand on the knob slowly turned. This would be the only chance she'd have to leave the room. While she didn't fear him, she was afraid of the emotions that would come from this conversation. She knew, without a doubt, he'd hate her afterwards. "I'll head back to the party and we can talk later. Just please don't say anything to anyone. At least not yet." 

She had barely turned around and opened the door a little more than an inch or two before the swish of a blade flying through the air was loud in her ears. It was followed by a thud that caused the door to slam shut just as quickly as she had opened it. She looked up to see the knife barely above her head. 

"We are far from finished." 

When she turned back around, she found him standing within arms reach. His eyes were narrowed at her. Her heart aches that he had been looking at her like he was instead of the caring looks she had been used to. In the span of a an hour, she had become the enemy in his eyes. 

Bucky could have aimed anywhere. He had half a mind to aim for the space right beside her hand or even right by her cheek. Something close enough to nick the skin as a warning not to leave. But the part of him that cared way too deeply for her couldn't bring himself to bring the knife that close to her. 

He couldn't deny what was in front of him. The way she had been so calm about this had further proved the evidence. It was almost as if he could no longer recognize who she was. That the woman he loved was completely different from the woman who's life had been spread out on the desk behind him. Even the words leaving her lips that now came out so easily were foreign to him in the way their conversations usually went. Hydra was never spoken of and now it had been mentioned more times in the last few minutes than they had been in the few years they had known each other.

“How long?” He asked a moment later. 

“Since before we met.” The words came out easily. 

"What was your mission?" 

Her eyes scanned his face for a moment. Just enough for her to collect her thoughts. She could lie, but she knew that would get her nowhere. She could tell the truth, and they could possibly find themselves at each other's throats.

“To infiltrate the Avengers." His features hadn't changed as she continued. "I was to gain their trust while I observed and reported anything of interest. When the time came I was to take down my target.”

“Who is your target?” He asked with a raised brow. 

“Doesn’t matter, I couldn’t go through with it.” She said with a shake of her head. 

That detail she couldn’t bring herself to give up. It caused her heart to ache just thinking about it. She never voiced it before and she didn’t want this to be the first time she did. Any other time she could redirect the questions onto something else. But this wasn’t just a casual conversation to be had anymore. This was Bucky interrogating her. 

There weren't any playful conversations or plans for the rest of the night. There wasn’t the comfortable stance between them. Instead they both were on edge and the tension in the air thick. 

“It does matter. You came here under false pretenses. Lied to everyone who believed to be your friend. I think it’s only fair that you own up to who it was.” It was no longer about knowing her past and what she had done. It was now about if she still posed as threat while still here within the walls of the compound. 

“They’re still breathing.” She noted. “I almost went through with it. But I learned I couldn’t bring myself to do it. So it doesn’t matter who it was, Bucky. All that matters is that I turned my back on Hydra and never looked back.”

“And what’s to stop you from changing your mind and going after them?” He asked taking a step closer to her.

“What stopped you from killing Steve?” With his step forward, she began remembering the layout of the room. The details she could use to her advantage from being pinned against the door as she now was. 

“Why can’t you just answer the question?” He shot back as he crossed his arms over his chest. 

“Because it isn’t necessary!” Her voice raised slightly. The emotions within her growing and she hated the fact that her eyes threatened to tear up. “I left. I made the choice to be better. You got to do the same. Why is it any different with me?”

“Because I don’t know how I can trust you without knowing all of the facts.” He took in a deep breath trying to calm himself. “I let you in. How do I know that everything you’ve told me isn’t a lie? I don’t know how much of it was you actually being you or if you were doing your job and just using me to get close to-”

He stopped himself when something clicked in his mind. The missing pieces of the puzzle being found as he watched the tears well up in her eyes and the words he had just said brought everything into perspective. He looked up at the knife that was still embedded in the door above her head before looking back at her. 

“I’m only going to ask this one more time.” There was hurt in his voice and every part of him hoped that the answer he now had in his mind was wrong. “Who is your mission?”

The moment Bucky had cut himself off, Y/N knew he had pieced it together. It was written in his face and in his eyes. It had made her heart ache as she watched him piece it together. She knew this is where he would hate her. Even if she tried and denied it again, he still knew and there was nothing that could change that.

“You.” That was when the first tear fell from her eyes. His hands dropped to his sides as he took a step back. When she reached out to him, he hit her hand away. “Bucky-”

“Everything was a lie, wasn’t it?” His head shook as he looked at her. His heart ached in a way he believed he never felt before. He had felt and done many things during his lifetime. He regretted many things and several of them he wished on everything he could take them back. But the one thing he never regretted was meeting and falling in love with Y/N. At least that was until now. “You are pretty good at your job sweetheart, I’ll give you that.”

“I have lied about plenty of things, but my feelings for you weren’t one of them.” Y/N needed him to understand that. 

Her confessions of care and love towards him hadn’t been faked at any point. Her annoyance in the beginning had been clear. It took months for them to warm up to each other, let alone work well together on missions. And while she was the double agent, it was only until her feelings had shifted, right along with Bucky’s, that she realized she couldn’t go through with her mission.

“Don’t feed me that bullshit.” His eyes narrowed at her. “Everything I have known about you has been a lie. From the moment I met you I should have listened to my gut.” He shook his head before running his fleshed hand down his face. “You started this by taking the mission.” He said as he looked into her eyes. “The least you can do is finish ripping my heart out by telling the damn truth for once.”

Her eyes widened slightly as she took in his words. She knew that this was a justified reaction from him. But it didn’t hurt any less to hear that she was breaking him. The first relationship he had away from Hydra and she was tormenting him by not telling him the truth.

She looked elsewhere for a moment as she tried to get her emotions in check. After all those years of training, she found them to be useless in that moment. Tears were falling freely with no intent to stop. They were silent and didn’t affect her in the way it would to someone else.

“You want the whole truth? Okay. Here it is.” If it would help in some way to either ease things between them or get them going for the inevitable reveal to the others, she’d give it all up. “Hydra caught wind that you were having your programming removed.” His eyes widened for a moment as he took in her words. “For the right price, there are no secrets, even in closed borders, you know that. Agents were trying to find their place after the fall of SHIELD. It was easy to have a background created for me and I was tossed in with the potentials. It didn’t take long for my skill sets to be noticed and I was brought in rather quickly. I was to observe and report what was necessary to my superiors. And when the time came I was to assess if the Winter Soldier could be returned and utilized or put down. 

"I played my role and mingled with everyone. I reported back when necessary. Much like you with the hesitancy towards me, I had the same with you. Yes, I feared that you’d figure it out early on and kill me. I expected it from the moment you returned from Wakanda. I stayed on edge waiting for the moment that you would figure it out. But you never did. And when you managed to actually hold a conversation with me for longer than two seconds, I knew I had my way in.” She watched as a glare formed on his face and when he opened his mouth to speak she quickly continued. 

“Things started to change between us. I fought it because I was supposed to be doing my job and not falling for you. Your death was supposed to come that first mission alone together after it was agreed by my superiors that you were to be put down. You were so eager to get the mission done that you never realized you had a gun pointed at your head several times.” She wiped the tears from her cheek. Bucky had shook his head at her words. No doubt hating himself for not realizing it then. “Nor did you see how I struggled to get myself to pull the trigger. Because every time you looked back to check on me, all I could see was Bucky and not the asset that I was meant to put down. All I could see was the freedom and relationship that I craved and I couldn’t do it.

“The moment we got back from that mission I left for a few days. I said it was because I had a family emergency that I needed to take care of. That was the last lie I told you. Because I couldn’t tell you that I was going to either get myself killed or I was going to take down the base that not even the Avengers knew about.”

The moment she mentioned it, Bucky remembered that night. He remembered, for the first time in a long while, being anxious waiting for Y/N to return home from checking in on her family. The night she had left he was going to tell her how he felt. The feelings that had been developing for her, he needed her to know. 

Bucky had been working up the courage the week leading up to the mission. But he couldn’t get himself to. And when they got back, he was on his way to her room to tell her when he caught word she had left rather quickly. The only thing anyone knew was something was going on with her family. So Bucky waited a little longer to tell her. 

After almost a week and a half, Bucky woke up in the middle of the night to find Y/N sitting in the doorway to his room. At first he believed he was dreaming until he got up and walked over to her. He had expected to see some kind of smirk on her lips or some kind of joke about her being a lurker. Instead he found her face and neck covered in yellowing bruises. 

“What happened?” He asked, quickly moving to sit beside her and take in the damage. 

“Some times checking in on your family means getting your ass beat in the process.” It was a horrible joke but it had made her chuckle slightly as tears formed in her eyes. 

He brought his hand under her chin and lifted it slightly, angling her face up and to the side to get a better look at her neck. “Should have called in for some back up. I gladly would have stepped in.” They chuckled and she shook her head. 

“I assure you, they wouldn’t be able to touch anyone again.” 

Her words caused an eyebrow to raise on his face. “Am I being sworn to secrecy with that statement? Cause I can-”

“You wont have to worry about anything.” She promised. “I’m free from anything incriminating.” She looked down the hall towards where her room was. “I’ve only been back a few minutes, I didn’t want to wake you. You actually looked like you were sleeping peacefully tonight. I just needed-”

“It’s okay.” He assured her. He stayed with her in that spot for a little longer before she excused herself to go to her room. 

The next morning they received the news that a hydra base had been taken down with no idea who had done it. No mission had been scheduled. They didn't even know that particular base had existed. Yet it had been up in flames without anyone alive to explain what was going on. Local authorities had been the ones to find the base in shambles and it took some time to reach the compound. 

“I should kill you right now.” His voice had been calm. The words had even shocked him as they left his lips. Maybe it was the mix of emotions, but there was no stopping them once they left his lips. 

Without any hesitation, Y/N shot her hand up above her head, grabbing the hilt of the knife, pulling it free. The moment she had it free, Bucky had his vibranium hand wrapped around hers. He thought she had been attempting to use it against him, and as he tried to keep it from meeting him, she easily brought it closer to her, letting the tip of the blade meet her shirt right above her heart.

“Do it, you’d be doing both of us a favor.” For a brief moment she saw the way his eyes softened at her words and actions before they hardened just as they had moments before. “I never intended to fall for you. But you made me care and I couldn’t stop myself. You want to kill me, go ahead. I deserve it for what I’ve done.”

Bucky pulled the blade away from her and brought it down to his side. “You should have told me the truth sooner. When you knew you couldn’t go through with it. Or even that night. We sat up for hours, you should have told me. I would have let you go then instead of having to find out this way when you slipped up.”

“I know, and I understand that I should have. But you-”

“Leave.” He couldn’t let her finish what she was about to say. While he didn’t know it word for word, he knew she would say along the lines of ‘now he knew and they could start over, now he knew and once she told the others they could make their way past this’. Part of him wanted to let her be that selfish. But the other part that now saw her only as someone that used him, he couldn’t bring himself to allow her any of it.

She nodded her head. “Okay, I’ll give you some space.”

“I meant leave here completely. I don’t want to see you around here anymore. In fact I expect you to be somewhere across the world by morning.”

“What? No-”

“If you don’t leave, I will gladly walk out of this room and alert everyone that Hydra is within their walls.” He would quickly do it if it allowed him the peace of her being gone. He couldn’t stand to look at her right now. 

"I am not Hydra anymore!" She was glad the music had been blasting down the hall or else she would have given herself away with how loudly she had yelled it at him. “If you’re going to take anything away from this, please let that be it.”

“I can’t.” He shook his head. He moved towards the door to leave. As his flesh hand grabbed the door knob, she placed hers on top of his, causing him to look over at her with a glare. 

“I know you don’t owe me any favors, and I definitely don’t deserve this, but please. Just pretend we’re okay, just for tonight, just for show.” She watched as his eyes hadn’t changed as he kept them on her. “Please. The others don’t need to hear about this right now and I promise that I’ll be gone by sunrise.”

He stood there for a moment, taking her in one last time. For the briefest of moments, this was his Y/N that he was looking at. The woman he had loved with everything he could give. She wasn’t the enemy that had been standing in front of him. Nor was she the woman that broke his heart several times within their conversation tonight. 

The pain in his chest shattered the illusion a moment later and all he could see and feel was the betrayal from her. The lies he had heard over the years on a loop in his mind as he looked into her eyes. He couldn’t give her the whole night she was asking for. He didn’t even know if he’d be capable of giving her any time longer than him walking out of this room.

“I’ll give you until your candles are out.” He said as he shook her hand off of his and opened the door. “That’s the only time you’ll get. After that it’s fair game.”

As the door slammed shut behind him, she closed her eyes and let a shaky breath out. She had expected him to say no. To tell her to leave once more before he left the room. She had expected to be running to their shared room and packing a bag to slip out under the radar. But he gave her smallest window of nothing being wrong. 

Leaving the room, she quickly ducked into the nearest bathroom to collect herself. Thankfully there hadn’t been many people in the hall and there wasn’t someone already in the bathroom. Making quick use of her time, she ensured that not a single evidence of tears had been on her face and made sure her eyes didn’t hold the emotions she had been feeling. With one last deep breath, she walked back out to the party. 

“There she is!” Clint yelled out, catching her attention. “We’ve been trying to keep Thor off of the cake.”

In the last few moments the music had been lowered significantly, to a decent volume. Thankfully they hadn’t decided to do so before she and Bucky had walked out of the room. If they had, she was sure she’d be greeted differently. 

“Didn’t I tell you it wouldn’t be long before cake?” Sam teased.

“Someone couldn’t keep their hands off.”

Bucky’s voice had surprised her. As her eyes snapped to his, there wasn’t the playful gleam within his eyes. If anything, he was hiding the glare that wanted to form. He sent a wink her way before he brought the beer bottle up to his lips. The subtle message that he agreed and wouldn’t take it back. He’d keep the new charade up as long as she left just as he asked. 

“Enough of that!” Nat said before Y/N could respond. She came over to Y/N and began leading her to stand in front of the cake. “Let’s sing and cut the cake before they decide to disappear again.”

The instant Y/N was in place, Nat began to light the candles on the cake quickly. But her eyes never left Bucky as he moved to stand closer to her for the time being. The others gathered around and it wasn’t long before a countdown started and the singing began. Taking Y/N’s full attention. 

From the opposite side of the cake, she watched as the people who had become her friends over the last several years sing to her. The smiles on their faces as they had were something she’d never forget. And as her eyes landed on Bucky, he too had been participating just as she asked him too.  The sparkler candles adding the right touch to the memory she was creating in her mind. The memory she’d keep with her for as long as she could after she left. The and only birthday celebrated with them all. 

As the song came to an end, she could see the way Bucky’s eyes had been on anywhere else but her. He had even stopped singing mid song before the others had even finished singing. The ‘normal’ coming to an end. 

While every one told her to make some kind of wish, Y/N couldn’t bring herself to. While she could wish for anything and everything to take back today, and even the last few years she would. But the damage had been done. There was no going back now. 

I’m sorry. She thought as she blew out the candles. 

In the midst of the cheers and the cake being moved away, Y/N was gone from sight. The only one who noticed it at first was Bucky. He watched her the whole entire time. He watched as she maneuvered out of sight from the others and down towards the hall.

The moment she was gone from sight, Bucky’s body slumped slightly. The tension in his body leaving as he sat himself down in the nearest chair. The action hadn’t go unnoticed by some of his friends. 

“You alright Buck?” Steve’s voice filled his ears as caught his movement in his peripheral taking a seat next to him. 

“Give me the rest of tonight to give you an answer to that.” He said even though his eyes never left the hallway. 

He had hardly got a grip on the situation himself. He was still processing the information, her words on a loop in his head, along with the hurt he was feeling had his mind spinning. Because how could he begin to explain that the woman they all cared for had been lying for years?

“Where’d Y/N go?” Steve asked keeping his attention on Bucky. 

Bucky shrugged his shoulders, trying to keep his emotions at bay. “Your guess is as good as mine.” He finally brought his attention to Steve. “I just need time to give you the ‘why’ of it all.”

After years of freedom from the organization that manipulated, used, and tormented him, Hydra sure had a way of making its presence known in his life even after being destroyed. The relief of freedom he felt had been taken away from him the moment he had opened that file. And the genuine happiness he felt had been shattered to pieces the moment she confirmed his thoughts.

“I’m going to ask this one more time.” There was hurt in his voice and every part of him hoped that the answer he now had in his mind was wrong.  “Who is your mission?”

“You.”

“I know you don’t owe me any favors, and I definitely don’t deserve this, but please. Just pretend we’re okay, just for tonight, just for show.” She watched as his eyes hadn’t changed as he kept them on her. “Please. The others don’t need to hear about this right now and I promise that I’ll be gone by sunrise.”

He stood there for a moment, taking her in one last time. For the briefest of moments, this was his Y/N that he was looking at. The woman he had loved with everything he could give. She wasn’t the enemy that had been standing in front of him. Nor was she the woman that broke his heart several times within their conversation tonight. 

The pain in his chest shattered the illusion a moment later and all he could see and feel was the betrayal from her. The lies he had heard over the years on a loop in his mind as he looked into her eyes. He couldn’t give her the whole night she was asking for. He didn’t even know if he’d be capable of giving her any time longer than him walking out of this room.

“I’ll give you until your candles are out.” He said as he shook her hand off of his and opened the door. “That’s the only time you’ll get. After that it’s fair game.”

Party decorations were still displayed throughout the area. The table that sat off to the side and held several stacks of presents were left untouched. The party atmosphere that had been in full swing several hours ago had been sucked out the moment unease settled within the air.

Bucky didn’t want to talk about why Y/N had left so quickly after she had blown out her candles. Their friends had bombarded Bucky with several questions, trying to figure out what happened. But eventually the different questions had caused Bucky to quickly get up from his seat and leave the room. 

He made his way back into the side office he had been occupying earlier. In his rush to leave the room to give himself some space from Y/N, he didn’t grab the file. And as he made his way back into that room, the contents of it had been neatly tucked back into that file. 

His eyebrow raised as he moved towards it. The last time he had seen it, the contents of the file had been spread out on the desk, with every piece of information on display. For it to be put back as neatly as it had been, he knew Y/N had been back here as well. 

Proof that it had in fact been her had been the single sticky note that had been left on the front of the file. Her writing was easily recognizable to Bucky. And as his eyes scanned the words, he couldn’t stop the mixed emotions that bubbled within him.

It's yours to do with as you please. 

Beneath that had been several words and phrases that wouldn't make sense to anyone else. But to Bucky they were code words he only knew the meaning to. A secret language the two had created for themselves. Even though his eyes read the different words on the paper, he could only hear the translation in his mind. 

Forgive me. You have my heart. I’ll be there if you need me.

Bucky’s fleshed fingers ran over the words on the sticky note before pulling it off and crumpling it up in his hand before tossing it in the trash can beside the desk. There shouldn’t have been the warm familiarity of seeing the code words, but there was. There shouldn’t have been the slightest bit of guilt seeping through the anger and betrayal he felt. But the guilt reared its head like an annoying thorn.

“Why can’t you just answer the question?” 

“Because it isn’t necessary! I left. I made the choice to be better. You got to do the same. Why is it any different with me?”

Her voice rang in his ears at the memory. The conversation was just hours old and Bucky was still playing it back as if it just happened. The guilt that poked through the anger constantly reached for that exact moment. The exact words eating at him. 

Was her situation the same? Definitely not. But had she done as he had and left the grasp of Hydra and done better since then? He knew she had. He knew she had worked harder since that night he found her sitting in his doorway. She had proved time and time again that she could be trusted. That she was one of them as the years followed. 

“Because I don’t know how I can trust you without knowing all of the facts.”

His own voice played through his mind as the memory continued. His voice shot back at her as he took that step closer to her to keep her from leaving. His anger and hurt laced within his words as he said them. He believed that anyone else would understand how he was feeling. He was sure they’d understand why moments later he had told her to leave. 

Bucky had all the information he needed right in front of him. It pointed to all the right reasons why Y/N shouldn’t be around him or the team. Why he feared whatever ties she may currently still have to the organization he fought so hard to escape. And the one person he had opened his heart to had been working for them. Yet, the guilt laid there under the anger telling him that he had taken it too far. 

Grabbing a hold of the file, he walked out of the room, returning to the common area. He could have waited until the morning to tell the others. He could have waited a few days to process everything. But he knew he wouldn’t have been able to handle the questions that would come if didn’t deal with it now. 

“I don’t see her just up and leaving like that.” Tony’s voice carried over as he spoke with the others. “Did something happen between them that she would need time away?”

“I doubt it.” It was Sam’s voice that came next. “They had been gone for a bit earlier. He came out before her and there didn’t seem to be anything out of the ordinary.”

“She left because I told her to leave.” Bucky made his presence known as he walked over to the table they were sitting around. 

He hadn't missed the shocked looks he had received the moment the words left his lips. The furrowed brows mixed in with the widened eyes was something he was used to around here. He watched as Tony opened his mouth to speak before Bucky started once more.

“There was something she mentioned some time ago that didn’t sit right with me. I tried to ignore it but after a few weeks I just couldn’t stop thinking about it.” His eyes moved to Steve for a moment before looking at the others. “‘Being free from the memories tied to it makes it easier to get the job done.’ Were her exact words that I couldn’t get out of my head.”

“That could have meant anything.” Tony shook his head. “We say a lot of things around here that sound weird out of context.”

“How many SHIELD agents do you know that can relate to having memories taken away?” Bucky asked. “Because all the agents that came over besides her never experienced anything like that.”

“She was Hydra.” Steve said with a disappointed look forming on his face.

“No.” Natasha added. “There’s no way she was. There would have been some kind of information on her.” She looked over to Tony. “Your A.I. would have picked up on something.”

“I wondered the same thing.” Bucky said, catching their attention. “I wondered how someone could have gotten through not only your defenses but kept a low enough profile to not have anything on record anywhere. So I asked someone that I knew was good at digging.” He looked over the others before his eyes landed on Natasha. He knew if anyone was going to understand, it was going to be her. “Phantom.”

The others watched as Natasha’s eyes widened the moment the words left Bucky’s lips. She shook her head quickly after. “No. There’s no way that can be her.”

“I didn’t want to believe it at first.” Bucky tossed the file on the table in front of him. It slid across the top and came to a stop in front of Natasha. “But it’s hard to ignore all of the signs when they’re in bold flashing letters.”

“Wait, who is Phantom?” Sam asked, looking between Bucky and Natasha. “Isn’t that the woman Scott had to deal with?”

“No.” Steve shook his head. “I believe that was Ghost.”

“Phantom,” Bucky said, getting their attention once again. “was used more frequently by Hydra. Never hand in hand on missions with the Winter Soldier or else I would have remembered her. I remember it being said where the second batch of Winter Soldiers failed, Phantom was their success.”

“While in the Red Room we heard stories about a girl who was purchased by Hydra the day before her ‘graduation ceremony’.” Natasha added. She hadn’t missed the grimaces on some of their faces when she said ‘purchased’. “Phantom was to be their saving grace. It was said Phantom could get in and out of wherever easily with whatever information was needed in record time. Put Phantom undercover for 24 hours and they’ve got everything they need to overthrow the target in 12 hours.” Her eyes moved to the file that she hadn’t touched yet. She shook her head before sliding the file towards the middle before looking up at Bucky. “It's not her. Or else we would have been in shambles years ago.”

“It wasn’t the Avengers she was trying to dismantle.” It was the tone of Bucky’s voice that clued the others in on what her Mission was. “When I confronted her, she admitted that her mission was to infiltrate and report information that was deemed useful to Hydra while waiting for her orders about her main target." He paused for a moment. “When I came to the compound, I knew there was something off. I felt it in my gut when I first met her. But she had been thick as thieves with most of you so I put that feeling aside. And after some time of letting that guard down I let her in not knowing that I was her mission.”

Steve shook his head. “If that were true, she would have attempted to take you out at some point. We would have known.”

“Unless she had a change of heart.” It was Tony's voice that spoke up. 

Tony had taken the file and begun going through it while the others continued to speak. The amount of information that it held was astonishing to Tony. How FRIDAY had missed any of this had stumped him. 

Every search that had been done on candidates had been thorough. Sealed records and even crimes that one may think had been brushed under the rug would have been found. Yet everything in the file was news to him. 

Sighing, Tony gently tossed an image onto the table. It was a photo they had seen before. A destroyed Hydra base they had no explanation for.  “We were wondering who our mystery vigilante was that took down that Hydra base. It makes sense. She spends a bit of time with a kindred spirit and when given her mission, she can’t go through with it.”

“Hydra would have pulled her out if she was compromised.” Nat shook her head. 

“Not if it meant getting our attention that she was gone.”  Steve added.

“And wiping her memories would have risked the mission.” A huff of a scoff passed Bucky’s lips as a thought crossed his mind and shook his head. At one point she would have been breaking through the brainwashing Hydra had put her through. The nightmares she’d occasionally have along with her moments of spacing out, remembering something. All the same things he had gone through, just not at the same intensity. “All of the signs were right there and I didn’t see them.”

“None of us did.” Sam said as he crossed his arms over his chest. 

“The question we should be asking now is do we trust her enough that she’s actually changed?” Tony asked as he looked at the others. “Or should we be on full alert that the one person who knows way too much about us is out there with no alliance?”

It was that question that Bucky couldn't bring himself to say anything. His mind and emotions were everywhere and he couldn't give an answer. He had been on the opposite side of things this time. He hadn't been the one on the run. He hadn't been the one with all eyes on him. 

"I am not Hydra anymore! If you’re going to take anything away from this, please let that be it.”

And it was as her voice rang through his head once more that the guilt poked through again and hooked on. He shouldn’t have just let her leave like he had. Not for the fear of what she could possibly do, but for the fact that while he had gotten a new chance, he practically tied the noose around her neck for her.

ONE AND A HALF YEARS LATER

Old floorboards creaked as Y/N walked across the room with a ceramic mug in her hand. She walked over towards the small window in the kitchen that gave her the perfect vantage point of the neighborhood. There was some peace that came over Y/N every morning that she came to stand by it. She had only been in this apartment for a few weeks, but there was always a need to keep checking to make sure she was in the clear. 

After leaving the compound, she jumped from place to place constantly to ensure she stayed under the radar. She wasn’t sure what to expect in the weeks that followed. She expected many of the people that she cared about to come looking for her. She expected to be arrested for the details that came to light. 

Instead, when she occasionally picked a familiar safe house to stay in from time to time, she’d find messages directly to her. Messages asking for her to get in contact with a few of them. Most of the notes had been from Natasha. But no matter how many times she missed the people she cared about she couldn’t bring herself to respond. Soon she stopped going to the familiar places and stuck with the occasional rundown apartment.

Her eyes scanned the buildings across the way before moving down to the civilians down below on the busy streets. She watched as several vendors sold their items from time to time or watched as the schools of children ran home the moment the time came. Always searching for something that stood out in the familiarity of things. Even after moving around for over a year and across the world, her routine never changed.

No matter how free she had been with the Avengers, she was now someone who was alone. She was someone without any ties to an organization and that meant someone would always come knocking. And Y/N knew that some of them wouldn’t come with a container of cookies. 

As she brought the mug up to her lips, her mind instantly went to Bucky and how he would have enjoyed this little town. How even though the streets were crowded, she had mostly been left alone. As the thought played through her mind, it didn’t stop the ache in her chest from forming.  No matter how much time had passed, she still missed him. 

Maybe she didn’t deserve to miss him. Not after what she had been keeping from him. She tried so hard to bury her past and keep it under for it to only be uncovered by Bucky. She deserved his anger and how easy it was for him to ask her to leave. If she was being honest, she had expected many things to come from that night, but staying under the radar hadn’t been one of them.

A part of her wanted there to be a message from Bucky waiting for her when she stopped by one of the familiar safe houses. Yet there never was. Not that she was expecting there to be. She knew Bucky could possibly never forgive her. If he had…even then she wouldn’t know. Not when she tried hard to make sure she lived like the namesake that was forced upon her. 

Shaking her head slightly, her eyes moved along the alley way at the far end of the street. Her eyes instantly fell on the shade the building provided and the man standing within the shadows. He was by himself and scanning the crowd in front of him. She would have thought he had been waiting for someone until he turned slightly and she caught a glimpse of a handgun attached to his hip. 

Her eyes hesitantly moved from his figure as she began scanning once more. As she did, she found another standing by one of the vendors. His appearance stood out in the crowd. It made the hair on the back of her neck stand as she watched the second one for a moment. His movements were quick, but she watched as his hand fiddled with the comms in his ear. 

When she found a third making his way up the fire escape across the street from her building, that had become her queue to get out of there. After setting the mug on the counter, she began moving around the small space and collected her essentials. Her pace is quick, but thorough. 

Moving from place to place meant keeping things light at all times. Her getaway bag had maps and tools she needed to ensure she could get from one place to another. Tucked in a hidden pocket in the back of the bag, she had a yellow envelope with small mementos of her life before leaving the compound. Once she had what she needed she was out the door.

"There's my favorite rogue agent." A feminine voice came over the low murmurs of patrons speaking around them. 

Y/N's eyes rolled as she finally turned her attention to the woman that had been speaking. "What do you want, Valentina?" 

The moment Y/N heard Valentina step into the area, she had known she had overstayed her welcome in the city. She may have been across the country from the Avengers Compound, but it apparently wasn’t far enough for her to show up. 

“You mean I can’t come and visit you while you plan out your next move to completely avoid your ex boyfriend?” A close to genuine chuckle passed Valentina’s lips as she continued to move closer to Y/N before taking a seat next to her in a small cafe. “I must say you’ve gone soft over the years. The Y/N I knew when we first met wouldn’t have let someone such as James Barnes to drive her away. Let alone turn her back on not one but two organizations she showed loyalty to.”

“There’s a reason one of those organizations no longer exists and most members are dead.” Y/N’s eyes never left Valentina’s. She didn’t trust the woman at all and with her being there now, it couldn’t be good. “Some people refuse to be puppets.”

A small smirk pulled at the woman’s lips. “Yet here you are, hiding out in a cafe after spending the day on rooftops to get even the smallest glimpse of the man you betrayed. Seems to me he’s still holding the strings.” She watched as Y/N shifted through her emotions for the briefest of moments. “Such a shame the betrayal happened on your birthday. Must have been one hell of a party.” 

Before the words completely left Valentina’s lips, Y/N had her gun cocked and aimed at Valentina from under the table. While any other time she wouldn’t move to make a scene, Y/N acted on her emotions. “You were his informant. You handed him the file.”

Valentina rolled her eyes as she crossed her arms. "Oh sweets, I have someone else to do my dirty work. I simply provided the information at a higher link."

Valentina may have heard the sound of the gun cocking back, but she made no move to act on it. She was calling Y/N’s bluff. It was a crowded cafe and she knew Y/N wouldn’t intentionally cause a midday scene with the Avengers still in the city. 

"What is it that you gain from giving it to him?" She asked with a raised brow. "Or was it for the satisfaction that you still have some ties into my life?"

A huff of a chuckle passed Valentina's lips as her eyes never left Y/N. "I did it because if given the right persuasion, I'd gain you without any loyalties to anyone or any organization."

“Wrong move. Because I’d rather be retired than have any kind of ties with you.”

“What if I told you I happen to come into possession of something that can remove that trigger in your head. Would you change your mind?" 

"I'd call you a liar and still want nothing from you. I'm safe from my triggers. They don't exist anymore." 

A huff came from Valentina. "You should know that there are a few others that are interested in having you with them. I'm your best shot at not letting you fall into the wrong hands. They're building from the ground up."

Y/N's eyebrow raised slightly. "I think I'll take my chances."

This wasn't the first time she was forced to move because someone had found her. After her interaction with Valentina, she was always keeping her guard up. Her past made her a valuable asset to have. Many tried bribing her before she kept herself under the radar. Others were planning on a more forceful approach. 

Y/N wasn’t stupid. She knew that there was the possibility that there was someone out there that was crazy enough to try and keep Hydra going. While the Avengers and herself had taken out the bases, she knew there were smaller factions that were waiting for their big break. Their big break being the woman that can easily get what they wanted quickly. 

Following her escape route should have been easy. She had timed it out twice since moving in and it had been an effective way out of the town. If her pursuers hadn’t seen her yet, she’d be able to get away in record time. If they had, she'd have to find a way to push the time.  

The moment she reached ground level, she began merging herself in with the small crowds around the vendors. Her pathway out of town was to the west and from where she currently stood. Her eyes are constantly moving, taking in every detail to ensure her escape as quickly as possible. 

Two vendors down, she took note of the man she saw from her window. She watched as his eyes moved from the booth he was looking at, up to the apartments. No doubt looking at the window she had been standing in not too long ago. 

As she carefully made her way, she kept her eyes focused on the vendors as she passed him while keeping her ears open. She needed to know their current stance before making a run for it. The moment she was in proximity of him, she had been able to hear the partial conversations he had been having through his comms.

“She was just there.” There was a pause as he listened. Y/N stiffened a bit as her hand ran over a necklace hanging in front of her. Don’t run. It will bring unwanted attention. “Search the area. She couldn’t have gotten far.”

With that, Y/N moved in between two of the vendors before making her way down the street. She had almost been to the alleyway she had marked for her escape when she caught sight of another agent walking out of that exact alley way. 

Quickly thinking, she walked into the small tourist shop she had been in front of. The shop had several aisles of shelving that were filled with trinkets. She moved her way through the little shop, knowing there was a back entrance she could slip out through. 

"Alleyway clear." 

The moment the words were said, she backtracked her steps and moved back into the aisles. Shit. Her thoughts played as her eyes moved towards the front of the shop. She watched as two others ran right past the window of the shop. 

Knowing she was surrounded this time sent a spike of fear through her body. Her mind raced through several ways this could play out. One, she could fight her way out with the attention it would bring and run with the ability to lay low. Two, she'd fight and die in the process because she wouldn't let anyone take her to manipulate her. And then there was the third option. 

It was an option that she didn't know if it would work at all. She could lay low for as long as she needed to in order to get a message out before fighting long enough before being captured. But it was a matter if the person receiving the message would care enough to act on it. 

She bit her lips as she watched the agents from the opposite end of the street begin to close in. "Option three it is." 

She worked quickly to get the items she needed. Grabbing a postcard from the rotating rack, she made sure it had the little shop’s name on it. Second, she grabbed a small decorative box that had been on the shelf across the way. 

With both in hand, she began making her way towards the shop owner that had been standing there watching her the whole time. His eyebrow was raised with a small scowl on his lips as she approached the counter and she gave a soft smile, placing the items on the counter. 

She had been in his shop only once before. But it had been enough to know she could use him to help get her message out. Even now she could see the way the news clippings and posters of her former teammates hung directly behind him. 

"What if I told you I can get the Avengers to show up here to your shop?" She asked as she pulled out her old Avengers patch from her tactical suit and placed it on top of the items. The scowl on his face slowly formed into a smile and she knew she was in. 

It wasn't long after he had helped her get things in order when she heard the front door open. She could hear the heavy boots hit the tiled floor. 

Perfect timing. She thought as she gave the shop owner one more smile. "Sorry for any damage that's about to happen." 

The moment she finished, she felt a hand grab a hold of her shoulder. Out of instinct and all her years of training, Y/N was able to flip the agent over onto his back. A knife was easily in her hand, stabbing him right in the neck before he had even hit the ground. 

Another set of hands reached for her before she blocked his movements with her own arm. It allowed her to turn and face him as she dodged his blows and before swiping her legs right under his. With his fall, he crashed against one of the shelves of trinkets causing a shattering mess of figurines. 

As he moved to get up, Y/N looked around for anything to use to her advantage. At least that was until the shop owner held out a crowbar towards her. Her eyebrow raised for a moment before she shrugged and took a hold of it. Without a second thought, she swung the crowbar, hitting his head with full force, sending him back into the broken glass. 

A scoff passed her lips as she took in the mess before her. It had felt way too easy to her. She hadn’t even come close to breaking a sweat. Neither of them seemed prepared for what she was capable of. If they really wanted to take her down, it was going to take a lot more than they had been giving. 

Placing the crowbar on the counter, she leaned down and pulled the knife still lodged in the first agent. “Mail that out quickly. When they get here, make sure you stick-”

“To the instructions you gave.” The shop owner rolled his eyes. He motioned towards the front door. “If you’d be so kind as to leave before more of them come and cause more damage.”

She pulled the knife out quickly before she was moving out the door. It gave her the chance to move along a few of the shops towards the other alleyway she knew would make it out of the block to exit the town. Turning into it, she began running. 

As she neared the end, she braced herself for whatever would come next. Her escape had been too easy. Agents had barely put up a fight. And in the back of her mind, she knew. This is where they get her. 

The moment she ran out past the exit of the alley a shuddered gasp left her lips. A jolt of electricity pulsed through her body, immobilizing her. She fought to keep the scream that bubbled in her throat at bay, not wanting to give them the satisfaction of hearing it. When she fell to the ground, she watched as the shadows of agents moved in on her. Before darkness could consume her, she watched as one of them stood over her.

“Welcome back to the fold, Phantom.”

_____

"Man, it sure is good to be back." Sam said the moment he stepped off the ramp of the quinjet. 

"Debrief is in an hour. Don't get too comfortable." Steve added as the rest of them made their way towards the compound. 

A few groans filled the air before they went their separate ways. Some of them went towards their rooms to free themselves from the tactical gear they were in. Others, in an attempt to not fully relax before the debrief, went into the common area. 

"Looks like we've gotten mail." Wanda noted as she walked past the countertop they were on, heading for the fridge.

"Does anyone else find it odd that you actually get mail here?" Clint asked. 

Sam collected the small stack of mail and started going through it. As he did he began handing them out the people currently in the room. 

"Can't hide from the bill collectors." Natasha joked as she reached out and got the singular piece of mail from Sam. 

"Bill collectors or fan mail." Sam added. When he reached the bottom of the stack an eyebrow raised. "Well that's a first." His eyes caught as Bucky moved further towards the seats by the back wall. "Barnes actually has mail." He began moving towards Bucky. 

"What, junk mail?" Bucky joked as he sat himself down in the arm chair. 

“Looks like fan mail.” Sam said as he handed him the post card. “Though it doesn’t say who it’s from or why they sent it.”

Bucky’s eyebrow raised as he took a hold of the postcard. A foreign gift shop covered the front of it. It was a place Bucky had never seen let alone heard the name of. When he turned the card over, he instantly knew who it was from. 

Y/N’s writing had been rushed. The Compound’s address is written along with his name. Right in the open block for a message had only been one single word. It took a moment before recognition registered in his brain at the phrase, causing him to quickly stand from his seat.

“Hypothetical scenario,” Y/N said as she looked over at Bucky as he looked out the window, keeping an eye on the target. She could see the way he slightly shook his head with a small smile pulling at his lips at her words before she even began. It was something she always did with him when they were stuck playing the waiting game. “If anything were to happen that we got separated and went missing. How would you let me know you were alive?”

Bucky spared a glance over at Y/N. “By showing up and proving that I can’t be easily gotten rid of.” His eyes moved back to the target. “I doubt with the technology Stark has, there’d ever be a need for this scenario.”

Y/N rolled her eyes. “Okay then let’s add onto the scenario. We’re not working with the Avengers and we’re two rogue agents out there in the world. Someone attempts to take us out and we need to lay low after that attempt to make sure it’s clear. How would you let me know you were okay?”

Bucky sighed and thought about it for a moment. “Postcard of where we are.” He shrugged his shoulders. “Send it to a previously discussed location. Maybe the next safehouse we planned. With a code word that makes no sense to anyone else.”

“What would the code word be?” She asked as she got up from her spot to go stand beside him. 

“For safe?” He watched from his peripheral as she nodded. Her eyes on their target. His mind could only think of one thing. The first time he knew he loved Y/N was over breakfast after an exhausting mission. One where pancakes may have burned since they had been distracted. “Pancakes.”

A laugh passed her lips. “Burnt or Regular?”

“While I prefer regular, the burnt ones make the memories.” He bumped his right shoulder against hers. She bumped hers back against his as they watched the target pace back and forth on the phone. “What if you were going to be late to the randevou?”

“Stark.” She said without hesitating, causing him to laugh. “That proves it's a perfect fit. Okay, worst ever possible case scenario. What if we know we’re being stalked- let's say by Hydra- and more than likely be captured. You only have enough time to write one word before sending it, what would it be?”

His brows furrowed at the mere mention of the scenario. Sometimes her hypothetical worried him but he always went along with it and thought about his answers. While he never believed they would ever need something to warn each other, he knew that one word needed to stand out. After a moment he nodded his head. “Siberia.”

Bucky’s widened eyes focused on the single word within the text block. Unlike how she rushed with the address, Bucky could tell she took the extra time to make sure this word was loud and clear. 

SIBERIA

"FRIDAY, how long ago did this arrive?" Bucky asked, never taking his eyes off of the postcard. 

The postcard was delivered three weeks ago. Two days after the team left for the mission. Threat level zero. 

His chest tightened. They had all been gone when the postcard got there. He hadn't been there when it had arrived. The only person that could decipher the single word on it had been nowhere near it when Y/N needed him to get the message. 

Three weeks he and the rest of the team had been out there dealing with the small weeds of Hydra that were starting to grow. Three weeks of making sure nothing would ever come from them poking their heads up from the ground. Three weeks of fearing that Y/N would be entangled in them somehow on her own free will. 

Even before the mission and in between, he spent several months checking in on safe houses and apartments along the way. It may have been brief moments of arriving but it was enough to give a thorough check in. All of the stops with one goal in common, looking for Y/N. 

Looking for her so he could apologize. Looking for her to make sure there was some proof she was alive out there. Looking for her to bring her back home with him. But she was good at keeping herself invisible. Good enough that part of him wanted to give up, but he couldn't bring himself to.  

Now, there was no telling what kind of trouble she was in before she had been captured. While part of him hoped it was any other organization attempting to get their hands on Y/N, he knew that wasn't the case. Not with that code word. 

An uncomfortable chill ran up his back and he had to stop himself from crumpling up the postcard in his hand as he dealt with the whirlwind of emotions he was feeling at that moment. 

"What is it?" Natasha asked, watching him. Bucky’s eyes moved towards her before looking at the others who were watching in curiosity. 

For a moment his brain shifted through every memory he had within the grasp of Hydra. Every scream he let out had echoed in his ears. The torment and conditioning he had been subjected to. It wasn't long before the visions of himself morphed into her being the one to experience it all. All of it screaming at him that everything has gone wrong. All because he forced her to leave. 

"It seems we missed a growing Hydra faction on our mission. It's from Y/N."  He hadn't missed the widened eyes at the mention of her name. "She sent the postcard. It's a warning and a plea for help. She's been captured by Hydra." 

Her throat was raw from screaming. If it hadn't been for the mouth guard she was sure she would have broken teeth from clenching her jaw tightly as the electricity pulsed through her. The numbness she felt once the machine stopped barely gave her relief. 

Fight it. You can fight it. The words she constantly repeated on a loop from the moment they first placed her into the chair. You are strong enough to fight this. You made it through worse.

"Who are you?" A woman's voice filled the air but she refused to find the source. 

This wasn't the first time she heard the question and she was sure it wouldn't be the last. It was a question to see how much of her memories had been taken. To gage how much more they needed to subject her through. 

Her answers varied with each time. At first she only told them to fuck off. Or occasionally she'd get the chance to spit in the face of the doctor that stood too close to her. The more they began to chisel away at her, the more her answers changed. 

Just a random stranger. 

The person that's going to kill you when I get out of this chair. 

An ex Avenger.

Y/N. 

Phantom

The moment the mouth guard was pulled from her lips. She panted out her birth name. The name she had barely remembered from her time in the Red Room. The name that had been taken from her the moment she sat in the chair for the first time. 

It was the name that held no real meaning to her anymore. She had felt more of an attachment to the fake name she had been going by for the last handful of years than the name she had been born with. Yet at that very moment, that's the only name she remembered. 

She watched as the woman standing in front of her wrote on the clipboard after she had spoken. As she did, she tried to remember how she had gotten there or how she even ended up strapped to the chair. The more she tried to remember the more her head hurt, and not just from the process they subjected her to. 

"Do you know who this is?" 

Another question they kept asking her before holding up a series of photos. Sometimes it'd be a group photo of the Avengers at a press conference or individual photos of each of them. Other times it'd be a photo of her original handler or several other faces recognizable through Hydra’s history. And each time she gave the appropriate answer to ensure they knew her memory was fine. 

Until it wasn't. It was taking her longer to answer. Longer to figure out if she actually knew who she was looking at. At the beginning she'd easily say their names without any hesitation. But as each session progressed, she'd fight harder to remember their names. Sometimes she couldn’t at all. 

A photo of Bucky was held up for her to see this time. By the looks of it the photo had been taken on a mission. His brows had been furrowed in concentration as he held a gun up, ready to pull the trigger when needed. 

There were plenty of things going on in the photo, but she could only get her eyes to focus on his eyes. How familiar they had been to her no matter how many times she had seen them before and during her current situation. 

With the familiarity came a sadness that filled her chest. A pain that she no longer understood why it had been there as she looked at his eyes. But it lingered in the pit of her stomach. But she knew him. Otherwise there'd be no familiar feeling as she looked at the photo. 

Her brows furrowed as she tried to get her brain to work. To pull the information out from behind the wall that is being put up. After a moment an echo of his laugh filled her mind. 

His laughter had been contagious the whole night. It was a sight she hadn't seen before and she was enjoying every moment of it, committing it to memory as if it was the last time she'd ever hear him laugh like that.

His vibranium arm had been holding several bags filled with merchandise he had acquired through the night. Y/N had enjoyed watching him go from booth to booth and taking everything in before deciding that what the vendor was selling was worth the price and bought it without second guessing himself. 

Taking Bucky to a smaller fantasy based convention for his birthday was something that he never once expected to ever do. But seeing the excitement on his face as he went through the whole day pulling her to the different booths that caught his attention had been worth it. 

For the first time since completely turning her back on Hydra, she got to really get to know who Bucky was. And from the moment she found the flier advertising the convention, she knew she had to take him. 

"You have no idea how much I needed this." Bucky said as he pulled her closer to his side and put his arm around her shoulder. "I don't know how to express how much I appreciate you pushing me to give this a chance."

"Seeing you this happy and excited is all the expression I need." She kissed his cheek before giving him a smile. "Happy Birthday Bucky."

"His name is James Barnes." She said a moment later as she lifted her head up slightly to look at the doctor in front of her. "He's an Avenger. Former Winter Soldier and hostage of Hydra, just as I am."

A small tsk followed by a sigh came from the doctor. Before she knew it, the mouth guard was being forced back into her mouth. 

She braced herself for the blow. But no matter how many times she had experienced it, her body was never prepared for the current of electricity being sent through her. 

At the sound of the door opening, the doctor didn't bother to look up from the page she continued to write notes on. "This process would go a lot faster if we had her book." 

"That was never recovered." A soldier responded as he came to a stop beside the doctor. His eyes moved over to chair the moment a new wave of screams left her mouth. "We can only go by the pages we've found that Pierce had copied during his temporary time as her handler." 

"And nothing has come up from when you captured her?" The doctor looked up at the soldier before checking the watch on her wrist. 

"No." The soldier responded. "For all we know she could have destroyed it along with the base." 

"What are the chances of inserting new commands?" The doctor asked as she wrote a few more things on the clipboard before nodding her head to her assistant, indicating to turn off the machine. 

He watched as Phantom sagged in the chair, panting. He had seen the fire in her eyes the day they brought her in. As she opened her eyes, he could tell that fire had been snuffed out. There would only be a few more times needed if they were lucky.

A small smirk pulled at the corner of his lips. "There's only one way to find out. "

___

It wasn't long after Bucky explained the meaning of the postcard that the team found themselves back on the quinjet. There was no actual plan of action or data to go off of. Only a destination based off of the location on the front of the postcard.

"What are the chances of her still being there?" Natasha asked, looking over at Bucky. 

Their destination was only a few minutes away and all of them, especially Bucky were getting antsy. They weren't sure what would come from this trip. For it being 3 weeks since the postcard had been sent, they expected to almost find nothing once they landed. 

"Slim to none." His attention was on the postcard in his hand. He hadn't put it down since Sam had handed it to him. His fleshed fingers would occasionally run along the grooves of her writing. "For her to send this, there had to be no other way of getting out of it." 

"Then why send the postcard?" Sam asked. 

Bucky’s eyes looked over the writing on the back for the millionth time. He could hear her words play through his mind. Okay, worst ever possible case scenario. He realized now that it wasn't just a random scenario. It was a just in case idea if either of them would ever need it. 

He now understood why she had done it. They both had a past with Hydra. It was only a matter of time until someone attempted to get them within their grasp. Y/N knew she would be the easier target with the programming still locked within her mind. 

This was her way of subtly adding in the details just in case something came up. And while the first stake out with the potential scenarios had been a few months after her escape from Hydra, she wanted it embedded in any way she could. 

"It lets us know where to start looking." He responded a moment later. "Someone could have seen something. Or if she was keeping anything with her, that'd be where she left it. If we're lucky, we'll find something that will let us know at least in what direction Hydra went."

"Not to be the downer on the thought process," Sam began as he leaned forward in his seat. "What if that is the only thing we have to go on? She's been damn near impossible to even get a trail on after she stopped using the safe houses. For Hydra to find her, they've got something we don't and any trace of that could be gone." 

That had crossed Bucky’s mind several times on the way over. Each thought process comes to the same two ends. On one hand there was a possibility that there'd be nothing else to go on. On the other, there was ache in his chest that screamed she'd leave something behind for him to find. 

"What is it?" She asked as she finished wrapping her wounded hand in gauze. Bucky's brows had been furrowed as if he'd been thinking hard about something.

"Your hypothetical today." He said with a sigh. "I couldn't stop thinking about it." 

She ran her good hand along her face. "Was it the Hydra question?" She watched as he nodded before she closed the distance between them. "If there's one thing I know, you'll always be free from them." She placed her hands on his cheeks as she looked up at him. "You're strong enough to fight without them getting into your head. And I'd be there guns ablazing to pull you out before they could try anything." 

He chuckled as he placed his hands on top of hers. "Humor me. What's waiting on the other side of the postcard?" 

She shook her head slightly, a smile pulling at her lips. "There’d be hope waiting on the other side. Whatever we have with us. My heart." They both chuckled. "If I ever needed to use Siberia, I'd make sure I'd leave whatever I could to help you find me. No matter how small or big it may be." 

"You just have to trust me when I say this might be more than just a postcard." Bucky said as he looked over at Sam. 

____

Once landed, the team had split up. Bucky took one look at his surroundings and gave the others several locations to search. Especially places he knew would have vantage points of the town. While any other time he'd willingly go searching for any sign of Y/N, he knew he had to be the one to go to the shop on the postcard. 

He, along with Tony and Natasha, began making their way through the center of the town. Vendors lined both sides of the street. And as the town normally did, crowds gathered at each vendor.

Bucky’s eyes had constantly been scanning the area. They never settled in one spot for too long. They were scanning for the shop or anything that could be lurking around. If Hydra was still around, he didn't want to be caught off guard. 

When the small shop came into view, Bucky’s pace picked up as he made his way over. He hadn't cared if the others had taken a second longer to realize where he was going. He hadn't cared how the bell rattled loudly against the door as he roughly pulled it open moments later. He just hoped that there was something. Anything to lead him in the right direction of Y/N. 

As he scanned his eyes over the shop, he noticed three things. One, the way a glare formed on the shop owner's face before his eyes widened in surprise. Second, was the empty spot in the aisle that Bucky could only assume once held shelves. And third, his nose could pick up on the lingering scent of bleach. 

There was no doubt that something had happened within the shop. He felt some relief that something had happened instead of coming up empty the moment he walked in. He felt it in his gut that she had been there. That the postcard hadn't led to a dead end. 

He could almost imagine the path into the shop she would have taken before she reached the rotating shelf of postcards. The back and front entrance was visible no matter where she was within the shop. Several aisles filled with anything she could possibly grab to help her. He understood why it had to be this shop. 

"You're the Avengers." The shop owner noted as Tony and Natasha began to walk towards him. Bucky followed behind shortly after and noticed how the shop owner's face quickly steeled over as if he was supposed to be that way from the beginning. 

"At least that makes things easier." Tony said  as he looked at Bucky and Natasha before looking back at the shop owner. Tony opened his mouth to continue when the shop owner quickly interrupted. 

"Are you safe?" Bucky watched as the man asked Tony. He seemed not to care about what Tony may have wanted to ask and it made Bucky curious as to why. 

"Safe?" A confused look formed on Tony’s face. "Of course I'm safe." Tony then pulled up a projection of Y/N. "Have you seen her come in?" 

The owner looked at the projection for a moment before shaking his head. "No." He looked towards Natasha. "Are you safe?" 

The three of them looked at each other for a moment before Natasha nodded her head. "I'm safe. We're all safe. We're just looking for our friend to make sure she is safe." 

It was Natasha’s words that clicked something in Bucky’s mind. Anyone else would have just given an answer about if they had seen Y/N or not. But this man had been intentionally avoiding any questions about Y/N. 

All he cared about was asking if they were safe. A question that seemed pointless given the current circumstances. But Y/N had sent him a postcard with a coded message. A code that had been tied into the steps he had created with a scenario she had come up with for the sake of making a stakeout easier to handle. 

The owner shook his head slightly before looking at Bucky. There was a look in his eyes, almost pleading that one of them knew how to respond. "Are you safe?" 

An annoyed sigh passed Tony’s lips at the words but Bucky nodded his head. "Pancakes."

"What?" Both Tony and Natasha said at the same time. 

"I'll explain later."  Bucky shrugged. 

A smile pulled at the shop owner's lips as he kept his eyes on Bucky. "Your preference?"

Bucky chuckled at the memory that crossed his mind. One that left him and Y/N tangled in each other before the smoke alarm went off. "Regular, but the burnt ones made the memories." 

The shop owner nodded his head quickly. "One moment." He moved away from the counter and made his way towards the back room. 

Bucky looked over to find Natasha and Tony sharing the same look of curiosity. Bucky shrugged his shoulders. "Y/N played this smart. Anyone else would have given you an answer about if they saw her. Not look directly at an image of her and lie before asking the same thing to the person standing next to you." He looked over at Nat. "He completely ignored what you said after asking. But when you mentioned we were making sure Y/N was safe, it hit me what the phrase was. So I gave it to him." 

Before Natasha or Tony could respond in any way, the shop owner came back carrying a decorative box. One that was decent in size but small enough to be held in one hand. 

"Your friend said to give this to you." He held it out for Bucky. Bucky gently reached out to take it from him. "She told me she'd only trust the person who could answer correctly. Said what was left of her life was in that box." 

"Thank you." Bucky said as he brought the box closer to him. His eyes never left the lid of the box as he had. 

I'd make sure I'd leave whatever I could to help you find me. No matter how small or big it may be.

Part of him was afraid to even look inside of it. If this was all she had kept with her, it added to the guilt that was already hooked within him. The other part of him wanted to know what items the box contained that would help put him in the right direction in finding her.

"Was this where she was taken?" 

Bucky had heard Natasha’s voice ask the question. But his brain wasn't fully latching onto the conversation as his focus was now on opening the box. 

"No. She killed two of them here before she left. Tourists saw soldiers take her down at the next block over." 

She fought her way out.That would explain the empty space and smell of bleach. Bucky thought as he placed the box and the lid on the counter top in front of him. The box had been filled halfway with items Y/N had put in there. 

At first glance Bucky could see some pictures. Pictures that made a small tick of a smile pull at his lips. A strip of photos from a booth stuck out and he gently pulled it out taking in the images. 

His heart longed for the moments the camera had captured. The smile on both of their faces as they looked at each other instead of the camera. How her eyes had shined so beautifully as she looked over at him. Or how he kissed her at the right time for the last photo. The first time he ever kissed her was captured for them in a small square photo. 

His face fell as that guilty feeling poked out at him. He hated himself for forcing her to leave. He hated that he waited so long to start visiting safe houses and leaving her messages. Messages that had been left unanswered as those safe houses stayed vacant. 

Sighing, he placed the picture strip back on top and lifted the pile of photos to stand against the edge of the box. Underneath the photos were a few folded maps. 

Maps of the different locations she had been in over the last year and a half. Circles and Xs were visible in certain locations. No doubt places she deemed safe and places to stay clear of. On the top right corner of the first map, her writing had caught his interest quickly.

If you're reading this, thank you for coming. You didn't have to, but you did. You are the only person who would understand the contents of this. Keep it safe. Keep it hidden. I trust you with it. 

His eyebrow raised as he lifted the maps. Beneath them were two journals stacked on top of each other. One of them he recognized right away. The other not so much. 

The one he recognized had been Y/N’s journal. One that she had kept with her on every mission, every vacation, and that she wrote in nightly. Her favorite color protected the pages she had been writing on. And by the simple glance of it, there were only a few more pages left untouched. 

When he pulled the second journal out, his heart dropped. The black leather journal stared right up at him. The white lettering on the front was bright against the cover. The journal is newer in comparison to the one that still occasionally haunts his dreams. 

His fleshed fingers ran over the etched lettering in the leather. Each letter he traced with his finger proved further that Y/N did her best to make sure no one could just come along and surprise her. She'd go down as herself and not as the asset they made her into. 

As his fingers came to the last letter on the cover, flashes of a red journal appeared across his mind. How he loathed the memories of sitting in that suppressing machine and seeing the soldier in front of him read from the journal. How a journal such as that one, and the one in his hand, had the capability to take away a person's free will in an instant. 

Phantom. The front of the cover stated. It wasn't a symbol like the one he had seen being used during his time in Hydra’s hold. A single word that held more secrets than a symbol. 

Every detail about her time as Phantom was sitting in his hand. Her trigger words, the torment and conditioning she had been subjected to, along with notes from her handlers about her missions would be within the pages of the journal. The one thing that kept her from ever falling into the wrong hands without a fight and he now had it. 

She trusted him with the very detailed past she tried so hard to keep hidden from him. Trusted him with the very thing that could be used against her time and time again if allowed. He had it in his hand and he wanted nothing more than to watch it burn.

Every detail about her time as Phantom was sitting in his hand. Her trigger words, the torment and conditioning she had been subjected to, along with notes from her handlers about her missions would be within the pages of the journal. The one thing that kept her from ever falling into the wrong hands without a fight and he now had it. 

She trusted him with the very detailed past she tried so hard to keep hidden from him. Trusted him with the very thing that could be used against her time and time again if allowed. He had it in his hand and he wanted nothing more than to watch it burn. 

"FRIDAY, pull up any footage that may have caught a glimpse of Y/N." 

Tony’s voice had caused Bucky to put everything back into its place before almost slamming the top back onto the box earning looks from the others. He simply shrugged his shoulders before bringing the box to his side. The vibranium keeping the box in a tight hold. 

Unfortunately the only footage found was time stamped two days before her capture. A projected video came up from Tony’s watch. A tourist couple had been recording the vendors area. 

Bucky had moved closer to look at the video footage as it began to play. They could hear the loud environment as the video began to pan over the vendors. People were chatting away and you could hear some laughter in the background. 

Different vendors panned within seconds before a particular stand came into view. While the person behind the camera had been focused only on the goods each vendor had, they had unknowingly caught Y/N on camera. 

Bucky watched as she spoke with a vendor. Watched as she would occasionally take in her surroundings, keeping watch of what could be lurking. A moment later the vendor pointed to something up and off screen. Y/N nodded her head a moment later before handing over cash. It wasn't long after that the person filming had moved past that particular stand and filmed the next vendor. 

"This is how they found her. " Natasha noted. 

"Why didn't we get notified about this clip?" Bucky asked. 

With the recent missions, the data changed the sequence of importance in regards to Y/N.  FRIDAY began. It earned a glare from Bucky. The more the team has cleaned up Hydra, the less information there is on her. Facial recognition scans have not been successful until now. 

"Why don't we take this back to the quinjet?" Natasha offered. She could see the look of frustration and anger growing on Bucky. Her head nodded towards the shop owner who was leaning on the countertop listening with curiosity. 

Bucky shook his head slightly before he turned and walked out of the shop. The sound of the door swinging open and slamming shut had caused the bells to rattle loudly causing the shop owner to flinch as it did.  

"You know how this argument is going to happen, right?" Natasha asked as she watched Bucky through the window. 

A long sigh came from Tony. "Yeah. If she was anyone else, she shouldn't have dropped lower on the priority list. I dropped the ball."

Bucky’s pace back to the quinjet had been quick. Each step he had taken seemed to cause the people around him to open a path for him to pass. He was sure that his stance was probably intimidating but at the moment he was trying to calm the internal storm that was brewing. And endless cycle of questions playing through his head. 

How could she drop on the priority list? 

How could FRIDAY not alert there was a video of her? 

Would she be in Hydra’s hold now if I had known sooner? 

Would I have made it in time to prevent it? 

He didn't even notice the others coming towards him after looking through the apartments. He hadn't heard when Steve yelled out his name to get his attention several times.  Nor did he notice the medium size box that Wanda held in her arms. 

_____

The lies have finally caught up to me. I thought I burned and buried it deep enough. The hurt on Bucky’s face was proof that it hadn't been deep enough. I deserved every reaction he gave tonight before giving me the slightest moment of having a real birthday. I didn't deserve his kindness. If I'm being honest I should be locked away in a cell somewhere. Not currently sitting under an overpass for the night. 

I can't stop seeing the look on his face and it kills me. I hurt him and I betrayed him in a way that there's no going back from. 

Bucky knew he needed a moment to cool off. That up until recently everyone believed that Y/N was keeping to herself and doing a damn good job of it. He wanted to be angry. He wanted to argue with Stark about it all.  But in reality, the blame game wouldn't do any of them any good. 

Once he was on the quinjet alone, he found himself pulling out her journal and flipping through the pages. Part of him yelled that he shouldn't go through it. But the other part had wanted to believe there was something in there she'd leave for him to find. 

His attention caught her birthday entry. As much as he tried to forget how things happened that night, they've haunted him since. Reading that entry however, hadn't brought him any kind of comfort. 

I hope that one day he can forgive me. But I know there's a chance he never will. Life sure does have a way of coming back around and biting you in the ass. I should have done things differently. I should have… It's pointless to think about all the things I could have done. I've made my bed. The least I can do is lie uncomfortably in it. 

"Bucky?" Wanda's voice was soft, pulling his attention from the journal. When Bucky looked up, he found Wanda standing there with a box in her arms. She had a small sympathetic smile on her face. "We found the apartment she used." 

Quickly closing the journal, he set it on top of the box beside him before standing. "Anything?" 

"Nothing that would help us to figure out where they might have gone." She said with a slight tilt of her head. "But I've found things she left behind. I thought you would want to go through them instead of leaving them there." 

As she held the box out, Bucky gently took it from her. "Thank you for grabbing it." He turned and placed the box next to the other. 

Wanda watched as he had done so. "Can I tell you something?" She asked a moment later. 

Bucky’s eyebrow raised slightly as he turned to face her, but he nodded. "Sure." 

"It isn't my intention to make you feel guilt or fear in any way with what I'm about to say." She watched as Bucky almost steeled himself for the inevitable. "While I have never attempted to see into your mind for respect for your privacy, there was a time I saw into hers for a moment. She did not fear many things. Not with the history she had. But she feared for you." She watched as Bucky’s face fell. "I did not understand why until recently." She paused for a moment as she heard the others begin to board the quinjet. "Her greatest fear was losing you by her own doing. I do not know if that fear was centered around what has already happened or if it was rooted deeper than keeping her past from you." 

Bucky could only nod his head as he tried to process the information she had given him. He could now understand why that had been her fear. He understood the possibility of what she could possibly do in the process. Not only to him, but to others and the emotional torment that came with it. 

"Did you know?" He asked curiously. If Wanda had seen into her mind, she must have seen something that gave Y/N away. 

"Not until her party." Wanda responded. "Probably after you had learned the truth. Her mind had been completely open after you returned to the party." She sighed softly. "She was saying goodbye while we sang to her." 

Flashes of memories played through his mind at her words. The fake smile that was plastered on his face as anger and betrayal laid just beneath it. The way Y/N had a smile on her face as their friends had begun to sing to her. 

But he had missed the shift in her eyes that had been clear to Wanda. He had missed the moment Y/N had said her goodbyes through facial expressions. He had been too busy being angry with her. 

Tony cleared his throat getting their attention. The others had been standing off not too far. When Bucky looked towards him, Tony had been rubbing the back of his neck. 

"I adjusted protocols with FRIDAY. Y/N has been prioritized as unchanging number one." He began. "I've also adjusted it so that any and all new information comes directly to you to ensure nothing is missed. If I had known she had fallen on the priority list, I would have fixed it immediately. We all want her back and she would have been back sooner if-” 

Incoming call from Colonel Rhodes. High priority for the team. 

Tony shook his head and mumbled about interrupting him before instructing the AI to put him on speaker. “For someone who was such in rush to leave us earlier, this call sounds like you miss us.” He shrugged slightly. “Or checking in like some overprotective parent.” 

"Ha ha, very funny. If I hadn't left, we'd all be in the dark about this. I have some information that might be of interest for that trip you're on." His voice came over the speaker. 

"Spill." Tony said as he looked over at the others. 

"A convoy with heavy duty machinery was ambushed leaving Germany early this morning." 

"That doesn't sound like anything of use." Natasha noted. 

"It was an inside job." That caused Bucky’s eyebrow to raise as he listened to the call. "It was decided less than 12 hours ago to move the convoy. No one could plan this elaborate of an ambush given that time frame. The information they had, they knew more than they should have." 

"Anything on the team?" Steve asked. 

"That's the thing that's got a lot of people scratching their heads on all fronts." The group looked at each other as if hearing those words had sparked something within them. "Ten soldiers were assigned. When the files were pulled for investigation only nine were found. Both physical and digital copies disappeared. When asked about the tenth soldier, they could only say that she was hand selected for her skills. Any piece of footage they have has been scrubbed without so much as a glimpse of her. Whoever she is, she's pretty damn good at being invisible." 

"Any survivors?" Tony asked. 

"Two fatalities. The others are going to make it out alive. The other mystery is why those two and not the others." 

Bucky’s heart dropped as he processed the information. Three weeks had been too long for her. In that time they had manipulated her mind into being the asset she once was and tossed her back into the fire. 

"They saw her face." He said a moment later. It caused all eyes to turn towards him. He sighed as he looked back at them. "No loose ends. Everything else can't prove she was there. You leave someone alive that knows who you are and the game is over." 

"That makes sense." Natasha said with a shrug. "Can't describe someone you didn't see."

"If it was anyone else who said it, I'd be worried." Rhodes responded. "Now I hate to ask, but how sure are we that this wasn't done willingly?" 

"She fought her way out before being captured." Bucky added. "None of this was willing. Everything she's left for us shows she wouldn't go down without a fight."

“Did she happen to leave any idea where they'd be heading next?" Rhodes asked. 

"I doubt it." Bucky said with a sigh. "I haven't had a chance to go digging through what she left behind." 

"That's if she even had a chance to leave anything behind." Sam noted. "By the looks of things she barely had enough time to leave what she did." 

"If she did leave any indication, Hydra found it while searching her apartment." Steve added. It caused Bucky’s eyes to shoot over to Steve. "With the way the place was ransacked, they might have found what they were looking for. " 

Keep it safe. Keep it hidden.

Bucky had almost mentioned they hadn't found what they were looking for. He had the very thing they were wanting and they couldn't find it. He should have mentioned it. He should have told them about the journal, but he couldn't bring himself to. 

He trusted the people currently standing in the room with him and would gladly watch their backs at any given time. He would put his life on the line for a majority of them without a second thought. But the fear of having that journal fall into the wrong hands stopped him from saying anything about it. 

"Just means we're gonna have to do a wide search while digging deep." He said instead. "We know they're out there and they're using her. With the proper channels, we should be able to find something to get a lead before she's used for anything more drastic." 

"You mean more than killing people?" Rhodes' voice filled the air. 

"Given how Hydra used her in the past," Natasha began before Bucky could. "A few deaths are better than her being used to bring down governments in Hydra’s favor. So yeah, let's get her back before we find ourselves either preventing or fighting a war we couldn't prevent.” 

____ 

Six Months Later

The main conference room walls had been covered in papers taped to the walls. Each paper corresponds to a recent event that involved Hydra in some way. Each grouping of papers laid out the details of another ambush at Hydra’s hands. Each one taking either a piece of equipment or technology. 

Even with all the information displayed on the walls, the Avengers had no idea what Hydra was attempting to assemble. FRIDAY couldn't pinpoint any variations of possible weapons. Nor could the AI predict where they could possibly hit next. 

However, over the last several months they had been able to uncover several new hideaways that Hydra had been using. Each of them had helped to supply information towards the grand scheme of things. But with each thorough sweep, there were never any signs of Y/N. 

With every Hydra captive they interrogated, none of them had physically laid eyes on Phantom. They all gave the same answer in different words but none of them could give locations. Phantom was only accessible through her handler. 

Her handler that they all refused to give up any details about. The captives either went silent and refused to say anything else, or they purposely gave false information to throw off the Avengers. And when they came up empty handed from those false leads, it was Bucky that paid them a visit. 

Bucky practically moved into the conference room. A pillow and blankets found a new home on the couch by the back wall. Only leaving when the missions deemed it necessary. 

As he stood by the conference table going over the new files from their recent raid, Bucky’s mind occasionally went back to Y/N's journal. He had read it cover to cover several times and the small passages that surprisingly made him smile had played on a loop when he felt he needed it. 

This is a little slice of heaven. I found myself actually enjoying a beach day. Last week, I walked past an antique shop that had a globe sitting in view of the window. I couldn't resist and I found myself spinning it. I was reminded how much we talked about doing something like picking a place on a spinning globe and just going there. It's how I ended up in Italy. It's peace. A calm that I haven't felt in months.

He could easily picture her sitting with her toes in the sand as she watched the waves. How he wished he would have been able to see her that day. But then there were entries that stuck in his mind for other reasons.

Out of all the things I've seen and believed in, you'd think I wouldn't be skeptical about psychics. But here I am sitting in the corner booth of a sketchy bar and this woman said she needed to speak with me. That the thoughts troubling me wouldn't last forever. And then she asked for his name. A name that I haven't physically spoken in over a year. Before I could even muster up a fake name to give her, she knew his name. Knew without me even saying anything. She told me he'd come around. That one day he was going to find me and save me from the internal torment that I'm facing. For a brief moment there was hope that sparked within me that maybe one day it would happen. Maybe one day Bucky will let me apologize a million times over. I hope that he can forgive me. But the reality is, after almost a year later, I don't think he will. 

With each entry he read Bucky wondered what would have happened if he hadn't waited so long to go looking for her. Would they be put on a mission together like they used to by now? Or would they be on that vacation he talked about taking with her at one point. 

Each page of her writing gave him a reason to kick himself in the ass for waiting so long. But in truth, he hadn't been ready to forgive her. The day he realized how much he missed her, she hadn't been to a safe house for six months. The day he forgave her was the day he started looking in vacant apartments when they completed missions. 

And now as he stared at the papers in front of him, he knew that no matter how many what if situations he played in his mind, they wouldn't fix anything. The what ifs weren't going to get her back from Hydra. They weren't going to free her from the hold the black journal held over her. 

At first Bucky kept the journal hidden. He didn't dare to open it and read any of the contents the pages held. He hadn't even thought about it until one night his nightmare got the best of him. One where Y/N couldn't be stopped from almost killing her friends. 

Bucky searched through the pages for one command and one command only. While he hoped it would never come down to it, he felt a little better knowing he could stop her from doing something she’d never recover from. 

A sigh passed his lips at the same time Steve walked into the room. 

“That bad?” Steve asked with a chuckle. 

Bucky shook his head. “No. I just…” He stopped for a moment as he looked at the file before him. “I thought by now we would have found her.” 

“We're not going to stop until we do.” Steve noted as he looked at the current spread of papers on the table. “Anything from Mexico?” 

A recent mission to a Hydra base just north of Mexico City provided them with more information than they had gotten in months. Bucky was attempting to sift through it all to see if anything could point them in the next direction. 

“Same as the others so far.” Bucky shook his head. “Intel for everything else but for her.” 

“The guys below haven't given up her handler either.” Steve added. More captives from the base, none of which wanted to speak about the handler. "Nat is giving it a go."

“Whoever it is, they're staying in the dark. They know the blind spots and use it to their advantage.” It was frustrating to Bucky. Frustrating to the team that a good lead would leave them empty handed.

Bucky picked up a CCTV still from the file he had been going through. The stills were deemed priority by FRIDAY for one reason or another. And as Bucky scanned the image attempting to find the reason, his eye caught the top corner of it. 

“What is it?” Steve asked as he caught the way Bucky’s brows began to furrow as he looked at the image. 

“FRIDAY?” Bucky called out to the AI. “Do we have the full clip from camera 5 that was flagged?” A moment later a projected image appeared from the middle of the table. 

Playing now. 

Both Bucky and Steve watched the clip. The camera angle had captured a side room and a hallway. A hallway that Bucky had recognized as he walked through it during the mission. The room in view was empty when he walked into it. 

But as the camera panned the area, equipment could be seen in the room. The sight of it caused his heart to pick up in pace as flashes of memories played in front of him. His fist clenched around the photo in his hand as he tried to push the memories away. He shook his head slightly as he watched soldiers begin making their way down the hallway. 

Several of them were struggling as they walked. Some were knocked down before quickly getting back up. A moment later, Y/N came into view, attempting to fight her way out of their hold. In view of the camera they watched as she threw punches and kicks. At one point she got a few of them off of her before a soldier came and tased her, sending her to the ground. 

Steve's eyes shot to Bucky. He knew what was about to happen given what he was watching. Bucky’s eyes had been fixed on the projection. Steve could see the anger growing within his body language as well as tears well up in his eyes. 

“FRIDAY turn-” 

“No.” Bucky said never taking his eyes off the video. 

It made Steve glad there was no audio attached to this clip. That there was no way for Bucky to hear the torment he was watching on the screen. He wouldn't be able to hear the way she started screaming the moment she was strapped in. 

“Buck,” Steve said the moment he watched a tear fall on Bucky’s cheek. He tried to get his attention away from the screen. 

“If her handler is in this video, I have to-” 

“FRIDAY, run facial recognition through the whole clip and shut this off.” It was Tony's voice that filled the air. Bucky turned towards him the moment FRIDAY shut off the video, shaking his head and ready to protest. “Natasha can be quite persuasive in her interrogations." He walked further into the room. "We were able to piece together what they're trying to make. And in the process, we learned what two things they'll be going for next and where they'll more than likely be hit.” 

“Where?” Bucky asked. The anger he felt didn't evaporate entirely. If anything it was fueling the need to get things rolling. He knew she was going to be the main player and that was his chance to get her back. 

Tony sighed as he looked over at Steve for a moment before looking back at Bucky. “That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about. Y/N won't be at either of them.” 

“Why wouldn't she be?” Bucky asked with a raised brow. 

“Unless this is another false lead, which doesn't seem likely, given how Natasha obtained the information, but "Phantom" has a new mission she's been tasked with.” When Bucky crossed his arms over his chest, Tony continued. “It's us.” 

Tony sighed as he looked over at Steve for a moment before looking back at Bucky. “That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about. Y/N won't be at either of them.” 

“Why wouldn't she be?” Bucky asked with a raised brow. 

“Unless this is another false lead, which doesn't seem likely, given how Natasha obtained the information, but Phantom has a new mission she's been tasked with.” When Bucky crossed his arms over his chest, Tony continued. “It's us.” 

“What do you mean ‘it's us’?” Steve asked. 

“We're in the way.” Both Bucky and Tony said at the same time. 

Of all of the scenarios Bucky’s mind had come up with on finding her, this one hadn't come up the most. He knew the chances of her being sent to take them out were high. And now that it was here, he hoped it didn't go to the worst scenario his mind came up with. 

“Take out the key players and they have a winning chance.” Tony added. 

“Did they say when this is supposed to happen?” Bucky asked. 

Bucky knew they needed to be ready. His mind was already going through everything they'd need to safely stop Y/N. He knew it wasn't going to be easy but he was going to make sure everyone would do as needed. 

“Don't know.” Tony answered. “We don't know if this will be a hit all three at once situation or attempt to take us out and then get what they need.” 

“She could have been given that mission at any time.” Steve looked over at Bucky. “If she's coming, we're going to need a plan and fast.” 

“The only way to know for sure is if there were any attempts at getting our information.” Bucky noted. “We'll be able to come up with some kind of timeline we're working with. But I gotta say this now. It's gotta be non lethals only, or me going up against her.”

“Of course.” Steve nodded. He was sure if given the right amount of time, several plans could be put into place. The amount of non lethals they had wouldn't run out. “There is the option of Wanda. She could do something to stop her without any harm coming to her.” 

Bucky nodded. “We'll have to make sure Wanda is close by at all times.” Both Steve and Tony nodded. 

“Now the question is how long do we have to prepare before she drops in. FRIDAY, has there been anything flagged as suspicious activity in any of the systems?”

All three of them looked towards each other for a moment. FRIDAY normally answered seconds after anything was asked. But this time there was silence. A moment later, alarms were going off through the compound. 

“I'd say that's suspicious enough.” Tony said before the three of them began running out of the conference room. 

On the opposite end of the compound Hydra soldiers continued to spill onto the property. The moment Phantom disabled the security systems, they were making their way in. While the numbers weren't one of a strong army, they currently had a bit of an advantage. 

A quinjet flew overhead. One that had been in Hydra’s hold since the fall of SHIELD. Putting it to use today made it almost too easy to get close enough for Phantom to hack into the system and disarm it. 

Hovering over the roof of the compound, the ramp lowered. Several soldiers moved towards the end and made their way onto the roof. A moment later, Phantom was making her way towards the ramp. 

She wore black tactical gear from head to toe. The hood of her shirt had been up, casting a shadow on her face. A black fabric mask covers the bottom half of her face, adding to the illusion of her not being seen under the hood. 

Several tactical belts laid at her hips. Any weapon that would be needed for her was within reach. Straps that holstered guns and blades ran down the sides of her leg ensuring that once the back up bullets ran out, she'd have other weapons to use. 

Before she could put one foot on the ramp, a set of commands were thrown into the air. The words caused her to stop in her tracks and wait for either information or one last check. 

A soldier came to stand beside her. His attention was on the building just below them. Her temporary handler while on this mission. 

“Your mission?” He asked. 

“Take out the Avengers.” She responded instantly. 

“The priority?”

“The traitor to Hydra.” Phantom hadn't moved or looked his way.  “He's problematic to the mission. He feeds information to the Avengers. His death means Hydra can do as it needs to.” 

“Good. Ensure this mission is successful.” He nodded his head towards the opening. “Don't return until it is. Preferably with his head.” Without any acknowledgement, Phantom was making her way down the ramp. 

“Stark and Wilson are already working the perimeter.” Steve said as the group made their way towards the main floor. “We'll meet them in the middle. Take any you can for interrogating.  If you see Y/N, non lethals only or call for Bucky. Anyone see Maximoff?”

“We're down two. Her and Vision had plans.” Natasha added as she tightened the widow bites around her wrists. “Already sent a message to them and they're on their way.” 

“Keep your eyes scanning.” Bucky noted as they reached the end of the hall before the main floor door. “She can come out from anywhere. If she's got all the information she needs-” 

A hunter's knife blew past them before embedding itself in the door in front of them. The way the knife hit the door was a way to keep it from opening. A strategic move to keep someone from leaving. 

For a brief moment as Bucky’s eyes landed on the embedded knife, a quick flash of a memory played through his mind. One where he was throwing the blade to keep Y/N from leaving. And now he was on the receiving end of it. 

“No need to go looking for her.” Clint stated the obvious as they turned to look down the path they came from. “She found us.” 

In the dimly lit halls, the four of them found the silhouette of Phantom. Her face couldn't be seen from their position. And from what they could see, her hands rested at her side, almost as if she was waiting. Waiting for one of them to make their move. 

Bucky moved himself from his current position in the back to stand in front of the others. “Get going. I've got her.” 

There was a part of him that was relieved at seeing her. He hadn't physically seen her in two years and now she was standing in front of him. The other part knew this wasn't going to be the reunion he thought about for the past several months. At this very moment, she wasn't the woman he knew. She was an asset that was sent on a mission and wasn't going to stop until it was done. 

“She won't hold back.” Natasha voiced his thoughts. 

“And I won't stop until I get through to her.” Bucky added. 

A heavy feeling of deja vu was played on the  group. They had been here once before, under different circumstances. If history was repeating itself, at least they knew the outcome would be in their favor. 

“If you need us…” Steve trailed off as he motioned for the other to began making their way down the adjacent hallway. He only received a nod from Bucky before he was following closely behind. 

When Bucky took one step forward, he watched her carefully. He watched for any of her movements that she'd make. He still couldn't see her face but he knew she was watching him like a hawk. 

“We don't have to do this.” His voice was loud and clear. 

He took several more steps closer to her but she remained still, just watching him. When he came to a stop a few steps away from her, her eyes finally became clear within the darkness that surrounded her face. It was as he took in her eyes, the eyes he once believed that he could get lost in them, he was met with a cold and empty look. 

Her mind registered different things about the man before her. His appearance was familiar to her from the several files she had read through the night before. Everything within the file had been accurate. The only difference was that his hair was several inches longer now than it was in the surveillance photos. 

The gun that he carried was down by his side, hanging from the strap on his shoulder. His posture was calm, as if he wasn't currently going up against someone who could take his life. 

But there was something about his eyes. How they moved over her the moment he was close enough to really examine her. The way there was concern in his eyes the whole time he walked towards her. It set off something within her she didn't understand. 

“‘This’ only ends one way.” Her voice was almost monotonous. The moment the words left her lips, she was unsheathing two of the combat knives at her hips and advancing forward. 

Even with it being longer than two years since the last time he had any training with her, he knew every movement she made before she had. Every strike she attempted he was blocking it. Even when she attempted to use the gun at his side, he had it out of her hands and the gun thrown down the hall. 

Her tactics hadn't changed. There were slight differences but a majority of it was the same. And for a brief moment it hadn't been them standing in a hall with her attempting to kill him. They were in the gym with a sparring session. It's why he couldn't stop the words from leaving his lips. 

“You're going to have to do better than that.” It was followed by a chuckle. 

The response had been a lift of her eyebrow before she manuevored herself to connect her elbow to his face, hard. Based on his stance stumbling slightly, the man before her hadn't been expecting it. She almost smirked as it gave her the opportunity to sweep her legs, knocking him down. 

I can't show you all my moves, then you wouldn't spar with me. 

Her own voice echoed within her brain that caused her to hesitate. A response to his remark that she hadn’t even thought about responding to. Yet the echo of her own voice told her that would have been the response. 

Bucky noticed the slight hesitation as he moved to get up off the ground. The shift in her eyes reminded him of his own moments when Steve was trying to break through to him. He knew he officially had one foot in the door. 

“You know me.” He tried, hoping to push further.  

He watched as she shook whatever was happening in her mind off before sending the blade in her hand his way. Bucky caught it by the hilt before tossing it off to the side. 

“You are the Mission.” She responded. A moment later Bucky was blocking more of her advances. Including one that almost had the blade of the second knife embedded in his thigh. “That's how I know you.” 

The words had stung Bucky’s heart as he managed to pull the blade out of her grasp and throw it, with the blade embedding itself into the wall. It was strange to be on this end of things. To be the one fighting to get through to someone within Hydra’s hold. He just needed to break her free from it. 

It didn't take long for Bucky to find himself in a favorable hold with her. One that he knew he could easily get her pinned on the ground. And with one more maneuver he had her on her back, with him following her. 

When her back hit the ground, a strange fuzzy memory quickly passed her mind. One where the man before her had a smirk on his face instead of the serious look he had now as he looked at her. The sound of a giggle echoed in her ears before the memory completely faded. 

Out of instinct, she was able to manipulate the hold he currently had on her, forcing him on to his back. A blade she had attached to her hip was released from its sheath and brought up to his neck. It had been too easy to draw the first drop of blood from his body flinching against the pressure. 

He raised his hands up by his head, practically surrendering to her. “I'm not going to continue to fight you. ” 

She watched as his eyes met hers and never looked away. There was something in his eyes she hadn't believed she had seen before. She watched many with fear in their eyes before they began pleading for their lives. He didn't have the same look in his eyes. 

There was understanding and acceptance. For a man that hardly fought her back during the last several minutes, it made her curious as to why he hadn't tried running like the others had. Or at least attempted to use his arm in defense. 

She had been expecting it. She had read the information before coming. She knew the man used it to his advantage in combat. So why not with her? It had been almost too easy to have him pinned as he was now. 

Her head tilted slightly as she studied him. The blade against his neck never loosened as she did. Deep within her, in a way she didn't understand, there was now a feeling of familiarity. But how could someone she did not recognize hold such familiarity. 

Bucky noticed the way she was hesitating. He should have taken that opportunity to get himself out of his current position, but he was watching her reactions.

He knew from experience what could possibly be happening within her mind. He knew there was a possibility that something was coming over her that she couldn't explain. He knew that the woman deep within the asset was attempting to break through the surface. 

"Do you know who this is?”

A picture was held in front of her, and all she could focus on was the man's eyes. The same one that was currently pinned down to the ground beneath her. The sadness that was in those eyes. An ache in her chest when she couldn't remember his name, but she knew him intimately.

“Now you know me.” He said softly. His eyes still never left hers. Even as her eyes flicked back to his, he couldn’t bring himself to move. “You can't place it, but you feel it.” He slowly brought his fleshed hand up to her wrist. He gauged her reaction as he did, but she didn't move to stop him. “That's what's stopping you.” 

His fingers moved in a pattern against her skin that his mind had once created one night while spending time with her. The very pattern he continued to do any time he was feeling overwhelmed in any way. His signal to her he needed an out from wherever they were at. 

Bucky watched as she didn't flinch away from his touch. It was as if she was just watching his movements, taking in the familiarity of something unlocking within her brain. As she did, he noticed another shift in her eyes. He was getting through to her. 

He just needed something else to help break through to her. To help give that final break through the wall. But a moment later he could hear the sound of someone speaking to her through her coms. 

The shift in her eyes disappeared and she was twisting his hand away from hers as the blade of the knife pressed deeper into his skin. All she had to do was slice and it'd be over. Her mission would be complete. 

“Ty zakonchil zdes’, Fantom.” You're done here, Phantom. The words had quickly left Bucky’s lips in one breath. 

He watched as she paused once more. He knew her programming was working its way through her. Her mind was trying to take in what the word meant. The blade against his skin eased up slightly. 

A part of her mind was screaming at her to stop and stand at attention to wait for the next command. That the punishment would be worse if she didn't obey. And for a brief moment her weight lifted off of him slightly. But the other part of her mind didn't register the command. In all the new conditioning she had over the last several months, that command didn't exist. 

There was no new command to stop. There wasn't a punishment waiting for her if she didn't respond to the command given. The main goal that was embedded this time around: complete the mission. 

When Bucky saw her grip tightened on the hilt, he knew it didn't work. He knew that whatever command he'd throw at her, there would be a possibility of it no longer working. He was out of options. 

When the blade of the knife began sliding across his skin, Bucky grabbed a hold of her wrist with his vibranium hand, halting her movements and pulling her hand away. He adjusted himself to flip her back on to her back as she continued to fight to free herself from his hold. 

With a hard hit of her knee, she had him flipped off of her and she rushed to stand. In the process, she pulled the hand gun strapped to her ankle out and aimed. Her finger pulled at the trigger easily. 

Bucky barely had a moment to steady himself before he was blocking bullets with vibranium. He moved closer to her with each pull of the trigger. Counting each until he knew for sure the clip would be empty. Before the final count, he noticed that she stopped. 

If he hadn't looked up at her eyes, he would have missed the way her eyes suddenly flashed red before returning to their normal color. He watched as the gun dropped to her side as something changed within her. Fear filled her eyes where there was emptiness moments ago. 

He watched as her eyes flicked to him before her eyes welled up, causing a tear to fall down her cheek. He could see that the wall he was trying to break through earlier had finally broken. In the next moment, Bucky was taking a few steps closer as she fainted forward. He caught her easily, pulling her up into his arms. 

“Thank you.” Bucky said as he looked over at Wanda the moment he had a hold of Y/N. 

It was easy enough for Wanda to work her way up behind Y/N. Her target had been keeping her busy and it had been easy for Wanda to give a small hand wave and Y/N was sent into the spell. 

Bucky gently brought her over to a padded bench against the wall and laid her down. His fleshed hand gently pulled down the fabric away from her face. It was a way to free her from Phantom. To separate the two entities as best as he could for her.  It wasn't long after that he was pulling the coms out of her ear and crushing it within vibranium. 

“I came as fast as I could.” Wanda said as she moved closer. “Though if I had come sooner you wouldn't have been shot.” She pointed towards Bucky’s right arm. 

Bucky looked down at his arm. His shirt had blood seeping through the fabric. He had been so focused on Y/N that his mind didn't register the fresh wound. From the looks of things, the bullet had grazed him. 

“It's superficial. I'll be fine.” He nodded. 

“And your neck?” She asked as her eyes began scanning for any possible threat. 

“Occupational hazard.” He shrugged slightly as he brushed his fingers along Y/N’s cheek. “I almost got through to her. But she got pulled back in.” He looked over to Wanda. “What did you make her see?” 

“Exactly what you might think I showed her.” She began. “Though what she is actually seeing, I'm not sure.” 

Bucky knew Wanda meant fears. He saw the look on Y/N's face before she passed out. He knew that if anything fear would be the thing to break through to her. That maybe once she'd wake up, the mind block would be gone. 

Bucky, what's your status? 

Steve's voice came over the coms. Bucky ’s hand went up to his coms as he looked over at Wanda. “We're clear. She's secured. “ 

The words almost made him cringe. He should have said she was safe. He should have said things were cleared there. He could have said a million other things, but out of habit he said what he did. 

Perimeter is clear. We're working our way in. Sam's voice came over the coms next. Stark got FRIDAY back up. 

The East Wing is cleared. Natasha added. 

Conversations continued through the coms but Bucky was barely listening. His attention was still on Y/N and he was sure it would stay that way for quite some time. 

She may have been unconscious but he could see the movement beneath her eyelids. He wondered what fears she was living through at that moment. What details she was reliving or what story her mind formed as the worst thing she could ever face. 

“The med bay may be more comfortable for her.” Wanda offered. The three of them were still in the walkway. Wanda knew that once the team had full control of the compound, a lot of people were going to be making their way through that walkway. 

“It can't be the med bay.” Bucky shook his head slightly before he moved to lift her up into his arms.  The possibility of Y/N waking up in the med bay and taking it out on the medical staff wasn't something they needed. She wouldn't know where she was let alone what they could possibly be doing to her. “I'll get her set up in one of the spare rooms for now. She'll need space.” 

As he began walking towards the living quarters, he felt the shift in her body. The tension she had from the spell began to ease up. Relaxing into his hold a little more with each passing second. 

“You're safe.” He promised her. “I'm never going to let you out of my sight.”

If he hadn't been holding her as he was, Bucky was sure he would have missed it. It had been soft as if she was sighing. And part of him deeply hoped he hadn't been just hearing things. 

Home. 

The last thing Phantom remembered was shooting at the former Winter Soldier before something happened. Something had clouded her vision for a brief moment. Then flashes of memories passed her vision. 

A four year old girl was being pulled out kicking and screaming as she reached out for her lifeless mother that was on the ground. That same child a moment later was introduced to a new way of life that would turn her into a weapon. The memory flicked over to a teenager holding a gun to her mark while he pleaded for his life before she pulled the trigger. Another flash had that same teenager, a few years older, being forced into a suppressing machine as she fought their hold. 

Then blood followed.

Deaths that belong to people she no longer remembered the reason for their deaths. Guns and knives used to kill those targets that brought satisfaction to her handler. Until those handlers had been found during the fall of SHIELD. 

Your next mission is to infiltrate the Avengers. And when the time is right, you are to eliminate the former Winter Soldier.

With the next flash, the same woman had a gun pointed to the back of a man's head. Her partner was unaware that he was the target. Complete the mission. The words echoed. Then he turned towards her and smiled at her as if she had just brightened his day while on this mission. 

Complete the mission. 

The flashes of memories changed to only him. His eyes. The eyes that once were hardened were soft and light. They threatened to swallow her whole with a feeling she couldn't explain. His laugh, the occasional glare he gave her, the look of love and adoration mixed in with other moments. The anchor in the darkness was him. 

NO! I won't hurt him.

But you have. The echo was followed by an argument playing in her mind.  

“Everything was a lie, wasn’t it? You are pretty good about your job sweetheart, I’ll give you that.”

“I have lied about plenty of things, but my feelings for you weren’t one of them.”

“Don’t feed me that bullshit. Everything I have known about you has been a lie. From the moment I met you I should have listened to my gut. You started this by taking the mission. The least you can do is finish ripping my heart out by telling the damn truth for once.”

Memories of the last time they fought played like a trailer in her mind. It was followed by the two of them in combat, with him pinned down to the ground and a moment later she had a gun shooting at him. 

Complete the mission. 

That was when her vision had cleared and she took in the sight in front of her. He stood there in front of her. A trail of blood ran down his neck from where her blade had sliced into his neck. And the way blood had seeped into the fabric on his arm from her bullet. 

She felt her eyes water as they moved to his face. There was hope in his eyes. Relief was mixed in with hope. She watched as he took that first step towards her before darkness consumed her. 

Do you know who this is? 

Bucky.

But who are you? 

Hours had passed and Bucky hadn't left the chair inside the spare room. While every part of him wanted to be sitting right next to the bed Y/N was in while he waited for her to wake up, he knew better. He knew she would need space once she woke up. 

Instead, he watched the steady fall and rise of her chest from across the room. He wondered how hard Wanda had hit her with her powers. From the stories he heard, everyone had a different experience with it. But none of them had been down as long as she currently was. 

“It's as though she's shifting through everything she's feared her whole life.” 

Wanda had come a few hours prior to check in on her. Of course that had been after the compound had been cleared. After the chaos that Hydra tried to ensue on them. But their plan failed. 

The Avengers had managed to take several Hydra soldiers into custody for interrogations. The other's that refused to be taken in, their bodies were being cleaned up and taken away. 

Tony instructed FRIDAY to have the compound on lockdown just in case there was a second wave. While the chances were unlikely, it was still better to be prepared this time around. And in the process several agents were dispatched to add security to the remaining two pieces of equipment Hydra needed. 

The rest of the team were doing what they needed to. Interrogations, searching databases with FRIDAY for any of the dead Hydra soldiers’ information, and planning the necessary missions that would follow. You name it, it was being done. 

The only one that hadn't been doing anything was Bucky. But given the circumstances, no one blamed him. No one even dared to ask him to step away from the room for longer than a minute. If there was any information that needed to be shared with Bucky, they came to him. 

Bucky looked over her figure for the millionth time. She was still out as if she was in a peaceful sleep and not being forced to endure her fears. He couldn't even remember the last time she looked this peaceful. 

Even when they had shared the same bed, there were moments where he would turn over and see her brows furrowed in her sleep. It was only after he made her leave that he understood why she did. Because even she wasn't immune to the nightmares left behind by Hydra. 

The sound of the door opening caught Bucky’s attention. When he looked over, he found Steve entering, a file in his hand. 

More information. Bucky thought as Steve closed the door behind him. 

“Any changes?” Steve asked as his eyes landed on the sleeping form. 

“She turned once.” Bucky shrugged slightly. “There was a moment where I thought she'd wake up, but she turned over as if she was uncomfortable.” A huff of a chuckle passed his lips as he shook his head. “What else did you guys find?” He gestured towards the file. 

Steve held it out for him to take. “She had trackers stitched into her tactical belts. Three of them with different origins. We've been able to map out where she's gone since they attached it. ” 

Bucky’s eyebrow raised as he opened the file. “Mexico.” He noted once he took in the first origin. “Makes sense given that was where they reprogrammed her.” 

The tracker had traced her movements through the Eastern Hemisphere. Each coinciding with each ambush that had reached their radar. There were even movements that hadn't lined up. 

When Bucky flipped over to the next tracker and the locations, the origin caused him to look up at Steve for a moment before he looked back down at it. Steve knew it was at his full attention now. 

Origin location: Washington D.C

Manufacturer: Stark Industries 2007

“Tony knows about this?” Bucky asked as his eyes moved along the coordinates of movement. 

Steve nodded. “He's digging with that information. He knows FRIDAY will be able to locate everything on that tracker. Including who purchased it.” 

“Hydra has someone in D.C.” Bucky shook his head before he glanced over at Y/N. He watched her even breath for a moment. “Did FRIDAY ever get facial recognition from the clip?” 

“All lower level.” Steve responded. “If her handler was in the footage, he's someone low on the chain of command. If he was here, he's either dead or in one of our interrogation rooms.”

A thought crossed Bucky’s mind before he looked back at the file in his hand. His eyes scanned the dates of when the tracker had first gone online, followed by the first few locations she had been tracked to. 

“The day before we came back from our mission, when I saw her postcard, she was in D.C. and the day we got back, she was on a flight out to Germany.” Bucky began as he handed the file back to Steve. “The trackers all have one thing in common though.” 

“They bounce back to D.C. after each hit she was a part of.” Steve added. 

“Her handler is the reason she goes back to D.C.” He shook his head. “They've practically been under our noses for months.” 

“You'd think after the fall of SHIELD, there’d be more reason to keep their guard up in D.C..” Steve shook his head. “Even after all this time, I thought we were close to ending this once and for all.”

“‘Cut off one head, two more shall take its place.’” 

Both Bucky and Steve’s head snapped towards the bed. Their eyes landed on Y/N the moment they had. She'd be sitting up in the bed, almost as if she had been lounging for longer than a few minutes. 

Bucky had shot out of his seat in relief. His mind only registered she was finally awake after so many hours of being unconscious. But his heart sank the moment she had mirrored his movement and braced herself for any possibility of what could happen. 

He felt Steve tense up beside him as he lifted his right hand up slowly. He knew that lifting his left hand might come off as a threat to her in some way. His eyes met hers as he slowly shook his head. 

“I didn't mean to-” He sighed softly. “I'm sorry, I was just relieved to see you awake. I didn't think about how that would have come off to you.” 

“Why would you be relieved?” She asked, never relaxing her stance. She took in both of the men before her. The blonde, Steve - her mind corrected, was tense. His eyes moved between her and the man beside him. Bucky, her mind screamed at her the same time an ache filled her chest. She took in his eyes and noticed the worry that filled them. “I am a part of the organization that you want destroyed.” She paused for a moment before a thought came over her.  “I hurt…you.”

Her eyes moved down to the bandage at his neck before her eyes flicked over to his arm. The edges of medical tape peeking out from his sleeve. Her blade. Her bullet. 

Complete the mission.

“I was sent to kill you and you're relieved that I am awake?” 

Bucky could hear the confusion in her voice as she spoke. He could see how it didn't make sense to her. He understood why it didn't. To anyone else it would have sounded like madness. But to him it wasn't. 

He had hoped that once she had awakened, the memories that had been locked away by Hydra would have been freed. But by her confusion, he now knew it wasn't that simple. Was anything ever that simple? 

“Do you know who I am?” Bucky asked. He never moved from his spot. He never lowered his hand in fear she'd take it as a threat towards her. 

“You're…” Her brain threw several answers at her all at once. Bucky. The Winter Soldier. James Barnes. Traitor. Avenger. The mission. She shook her head, trying to clear the jumbled mess that was in her mind. “Your name is Bucky.” 

Bucky nodded while attempting to keep his lips from forming a slight smile. The relief he felt from just hearing his name pass her lips. He didn't realize how much he missed her just saying it.

“Do you know who you are to me?” He asked a moment later. 

More thoughts flooded her brain the moment he asked the question. Memories of her receiving her mission to infiltrate the Avengers played through her mind. The fake name that became her new identity. It was followed by memories of missions, team night outs that soon turned into date nights with Bucky. Running for cover from the rain that started while out on a walk with him. Moments in the early mornings laughing with each other and then the intimate moments.

But the memories were shattered by the darkness that had been intertwined with each memory. The late night meetings with her handler to give status reports on a weekly basis. The memory of her handler giving her the approval to take out the target. Those memories were followed by the last time she and Bucky fought. A memory on a loop of everything she did wrong. Of everything she had done to hurt him. 

“I should kill you right now.”

“Do it, you’d be doing both of us a favor. I never intended to fall for you. But you made me care and I couldn’t stop myself. You want to kill me, go ahead. I deserve it for what I’ve done.”

“You should have told me the truth sooner. When you knew you couldn’t go through with it. Or even that night. We sat up for hours, you should have told me. I would have let you go then instead of having to find out this way when you slipped up.”

“I know, and I understand that I should have. But you-”

“Leave.”

“Okay, I’ll give you some space.”

“I meant leave here completely. I don’t want to see you around here anymore. In fact I expect you to be somewhere across the world by morning.”

The ache in her chest grew and she tried to blink back the tears that were wanting to form. She shook her head slightly as she tried not to let the feeling swallow her whole. After a moment, she felt herself gain some control over her mind that she felt she had been losing. 

Someone you never wanted to see again. 

Before she could voice her response, the door behind the men opened. The sound had caused her to stiffen before taking a step back. Two were barely tolerable and she wasn't sure she could handle another person in the room. 

“I've got some bad news, fellas.” Natasha said as she stepped into the room. Her eyes moved from the men over to Y/N. She gave her an apologetic look before looking back at the men. 

“What is it?” Steve asked. 

“Ross is here.” Natasha hadn't missed the way all three of them tensed up at the name. “Tony tried stalling but…” She trailed off with a shrug. 

“She just woke up.” Bucky sighed. “We haven't even had a chance to talk.” 

Bucky had hoped Secretary Ross wouldn't show up until a day later. He hoped that by the time Ross had come knocking he'd have gotten a few hours to see where Y/N was at with her mind, not minutes.

“It's either this happens here and now, or he'll have her transported elsewhere to do it.” Natasha noted. “That's what Tony got him to agree to and why he hasn't already had men coming in to drag her out.” 

The words had caused an echo of memories to play through Y/N's mind. Soldiers dragged her away at several points in her life. All of the memories had her kicking and screaming, trying to get away. Followed by the several interrogations she had been a part of, on both sides of the coin. 

She tortured and just questioned people for information. She used tools and manipulation to get the answers she needed. There was a dark side and a ‘right’ side of the things she had done to get information. 

But she'd never been on the other side of interrogations. She'd never been threatened or tortured for information. She'd never been caught in order to be interrogated. And the thought should have comforted her. But wasn't that the reason Secretary Ross had been there?

She had been lost in the memories she hadn't realized Bucky had moved closer to her. She hadn't realized he had been saying her name. The only name he knew. But was it really hers? 

Nothing had truly belonged to her. Her life had been owned by someone else for a majority of her life. She had been bought by Hydra and became something they needed. It was worse than what the Red Room had done to her. The Red Room may have taken her away from her family, but Hydra who took everything away from her until she was left with nothing. 

She was no one. She was nothing but the asset they had turned her into. 

Complete the mission. 

She could hear the voices speaking in the room but her brain wasn't registering who was speaking or what they were saying. All her brain could focus on was on the details of the memories that kept coming at full force. 

“Come back to me.” 

It was followed by distorted voices she couldn't place. It wasn't for her to understand them. But the words she had heard, they acted as a grounding for her. Pulling her back from the memories. 

Her mind attempted to grasp onto reality when she felt the pressure of someone grabbing her hand. Her eyes began focusing on the man in front of her as she felt the soothing pattern on the back of her hand. A pattern she knew. And when they did focus, she found worried eyes looking back at her. 

His eyes. The same set of eyes that always brought her comfort when she needed it. Her light in the darkness. The one person who would know how to help her. If he was wanting to. 

Her mind flashed with a memory of her putting several things into a box and sliding it over to a shop owner. The postcard that she had quickly written the address on before she wrote one single word in the text block. SIBERIA 

“Your mission?”

“Take out the Avengers.” 

“The priority?”

“The traitor to Hydra. He's problematic to the mission. He feeds information to the Avengers. His death means Hydra can do as it needs to.” 

Hydra bases had been getting raided frequently. With each step they took to getting what they wanted, it seemed the Avengers were closely behind. It made her handler nervous and needed something to be done. But because of his position, he sent someone else to make sure Phantom would get the job done. But it hadn't. 

The mission failed. 

That was the moment her brain caught up with everything the last several months. Her mind had finally pieced together the time between her leaving the compound years ago and waking up several minutes ago. 

“You were looking for me.” She said a moment later as she felt her mind finally clear. 

“I got your postcard.” Bucky had seen the moment everything seemed to snap into place for her. And for the first time since she woke up, he was seeing the version of herself that he really knew and understood. “I only wish I had seen it sooner.” He watched as her brows furrowed in confusion. “We were on a mission. I didn't see it until we got back.” 

“I didn't think-” The sound of the door opening and closing caught their attention for a moment. Natasha and Steve had stepped out of the room. A chance to give them a moment alone before they had to deal with Secretary Ross. “I didn’t have many options and part of me hoped that you wouldn't ignore it.” 

Bucky sighed softly. “Even if I was still angry with you, I never would have left you there. No one deserves to be held under Hydra’s grasp.” 

A sense of relief filled her. That the worrying she had about sending the postcard wasn't necessary. He would have seen it and came running. Though it made her wonder if he had still been angry with her, would he be standing where he was now? Would he have been waiting for her to wake up as he had been? 

Her eyes wandered and it wasn't long before she was reminded of the bandages that covered his skin. Her blade. Her bullet. Her hand that wasn't in his hand came up to gently touch his neck. 

“It's practically healed already.” He joked the moment he realized what she was doing. He could see it in her eyes as the self loathing began. A feeling he knew all too well. 

“How bad are things?” She asked. Her voice had barely been above a whisper. 

She couldn't meet his eyes as she asked. She couldn't look at him in the face when he told her how much chaos she had a hand in. Instead she focused on the bandage, desperately wishing it was transparent so she knew how bad it really had been. How deep her blade had gone. 

“Nothing we haven't been able to handle.” He brought his left hand up under her chin and lifted it gently to get her attention away from his neck. The moment her eyes came up to his he gave her a small smile. “The main goal was to get you back.” 

“How many-” 

“It's not something you need to worry about right now.” It wasn't that he was trying to keep her from knowing. He knew how a number haunted him and he didn't want their first conversation to be about the demons that will haunt her over the next several months. “I know you need to know. But I need to know where your head is, right now.” 

She was going to argue with him about it. She would make it so before they'd leave the room she'd have her answer. But she knew why he wanted to know where she was. There was an interrogation waiting for her. 

“Sane, if that makes a difference.” It caused both of them to chuckle slightly. “I know who I am. But some of it is…” She shook her head slightly. “It's like it's locked away.” 

“What pulled you in earlier when Natasha came in?” He asked curiously. He knew she was pulled into the memories. He saw the way her eyes had focused on one thing and nothing had gotten through to her. 

“Being dragged out.” She looked towards the door before looking back at him. “I've been taken out of a few different places unwillingly.” 

“I won't let that happen.” He promised. “But I have to get you over there before he sends someone in here.” She only nodded her head in response. “Interrogations have always been your thing. Don't let him run it.” Her eyebrow rose and Bucky could only shrug his shoulders as a smile pulled at his lips. 

As Bucky began to lead her out of the room, he felt her grip on his hand tightened slightly. Out of an old habit, his thumb had begun drawing a pattern on the back of her hand. There was a lot the two of them needed to discuss. He was sure there would be arguments and their emotions would take over when they attempted to figure out the next step. 

But for now he needed to help her get through the next few hours. As they made their way towards the interrogation rooms Bucky looked back and gave her a reassuring smile. He hadn't missed the way her head tilted towards the side as it seemed like a memory came to her. 

“Because every time you looked back to check on me, all I could see was Bucky and not the asset that I was meant to put down.” 

I refuse to complete the mission.