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The Doctor was smiling at what he knew would be an excellent work of culinary art. Heart shaped muffin tins were filled to the brim with a batter than only loosely followed a recipe but definitely benefited from his inventiveness. Little chocolate chips were placed in excellent spots and the cut strawberries hidden in each muffin were, well, a cherry on top. He even personalized them! The two for Donna had extra chocolate while the matching duo for Shaun had added sprinkles. The three for Rose had the full set: strawberry, extra chocolate, sprinkles, and whipped cream added once they cooled down. The couple for her friends she was seeing tonight were the closest to basic, as he just felt he doesn't know enough about them to do anything special. And Sylvia had to look out for her sugar, so the batter had even more improvements. And then there were the last four...
Humming, the Doctor put the muffins in the oven, glanced at the clock which said 2.10 PM, set it for 20 minutes, took off mittens and aprons, and went to see what romantic comedies were on the telly.
Ah, Valentine's Day. A made up holiday for florists to make an additional buck in their dry period? Perhaps. But, as the Doctor's earlier face put it, he was a romantic, and all the pink and red hearts and couples (or polycules) exchanging small gifts made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
- Holly. I’m not going to let you do this.
- You’re not going to let me?
- Holly, I’m in love with you.
- So what?
- So what? So plenty! I love you. You belong to me.
- No. people don’t belong to people.
- Of course they do.
- I’m not going to let anyone put me in a cage.
- I don’t want to put you in a cage! I want to love you!
- It’s the same thing.
- No, it’s not! Holly!
The Doctor let out a soft sniff at the exchange (argh, this regeneration sure came with no emotional filter). Viewing love as some kind of power trip. Didn't that ring some loud bells.
The four last muffins had two strawberry halves instead of one. As in, not a whole strawberry, that is they were halves of the same strawberry, but they were like two hearts in one muffin. And yes, he hoped to share them with the Master. He just wasn't sure how he was going to do that.
This wasn't exactly their first Valentine's Day together. There were the 70 years of shooing Nardole away from the vault's door. Except that face of his couldn't really get up to more explicit emotionality than answering Missy playing Fur Elise on a piano with his guitar. And there was the Year That Never Was. Except the Master was very explicitly spending it with Lucy, the Doctor just happened to always be wheeled to where they were. So this was definitely their first Valentine's Day together. The problem was, the Master seemed very not into human holidays. Maybe except for Halloween. When the Doctor woke up this morning the bed was empty, and, judging from the TARDIS data, he woke up much earlier than him and locked himself in a different room. So, the Doctor wasn't really sure if presenting the other Time Lord with Valentine themed sweets would work out too well. Still, the Master had a sweet tooth if nothing else.
As the next romantic comedy started, the Doctor stretched and glanced at the watch. It said 2.14PM. He frowned. Not only was Breakfast at Tiffany's ending longer than four minutes, there were also his Time Lord senses to tell him this couldn't be right. By all accounts, his muffins should be ready now. The Doctor got up from the sofa and walked to the kitchen where he was met with a smell that was very sweet and fruity, but also just the teensiest bit burnt. He ran to the oven and released a plume of chocolate-y smoke, which was not in the recipe. Coughing and waving, he pulled out the muffin tin which now looked as if it had been covered with cooling down lava (also not in the recipe). Slight charring aside, the muffins looked perfectly edible, abd at least now the Doctor had an idea of why the cookbooks insisted on not filling tins to the brim.
A proper ventilation and some cleaning later, the Doctor stretched and glanced at a clock again. It said 2.14PM. And, no, this just couldn't be right. One broken clock, ok, but two? He turned the telly back on. The clock in the bottom of the screen was saying 2.14PM. He looked at his phone and it was saying 2.14PM. He opened the website giving the exact time and it was saying 2.14PM (and 14.0014 seconds). Now, this would be irritating for a human, but for a Time Lord this felt like having a lego piece stuck in each and every shoe you ever had. Wrong on a level you didn't know existed until you experienced it yourself.
But it looked like humans weren't much bothered by this. Everyone outside was just going about their business, the TV schedule continued on its merry way, even on socials people would only point out how long the day's been going. Someone even quoted Romeo and Juliet. Which made the Doctor suddenly sympathise with each and every analogue clock screaming that the time has changed while all wired devices shifted smoothly on daylight saving.
This was just. So wrong. Objective time measuring devices weren't supposed to stop like this while subjective timeflow went on its merry way.
But wait. When you put it this way... It rang a bell...
Literally, as the Doctor's phone started ringing. A restricted call. He answered it.
- Hello?
- Doctor?
- Kate?
- Oh, Doctor, sorry to bother you on your... vacation...
- Not exactly the first time, and always welcome - the Time Lord smiled into the speaker.
- But... well, I'm sure you of all people have already noticed what is happening and we tried contacting the future you, but I'm afraid he's... at the verge of the known multiverse or something, and literally insisted this is something you should handle...
Well, that sounded ominous. Not ominous enough to overshadow his relief at no longer being the single crazy clock.
- Coming right over - he stated and rushed to the TARDIS.
- Sooo, what do you think? - Kate asked the Doctor as they stood in front of dozens of TV screens, each showing news from some other part of the world. Nearly an hour after the Doctor first felt something was wrong, but it seems Earthlings finally caught up.
- So this is... everywhere? Every clock on Earth is showing exactly 2.14PM everywhere on the planet now? - he asked while his gaze landed on Fox News anchor interviewing a man explaining how this is all the Reptilians, obviously.
- Yes, exactly - Kate was always quick in getting to the point. - And it started exactly when it hit that exact time here, in London.
- So, Greenwhich Time? As good a longitude as any, but why go for this one?
- Well, not exactly Greenwhich Time - Shirley cut in, a tablet on her lap. - We have a quantum clock in Greenwhich now, you know, and this started a bit earlier. Less than four seconds earlier, but earlier.
- Huh - the Doctor scratched his head as his eyes landed on an hourglass, sand frozen after exactly 14 seconds have been measured.
- And look at this - she added, wheeling over to a window. Once there, she pulled out a pocket sundial. - See, I'm twisting it around randomly and the shadow falls exactly where it should. But once I orientate it as it should be... - the moment the N on the dial aligned with true north, the shadow fell right after 2.
- So, what is it, Doctor? - Kate asked, her voice resolute. - This doesn't seem to have anything malignant to it, everyone is going about their lives normally, but... you know, us humans have grown quite reliant on timepieces... for public transport and baking, if nothing else...
- Yeah, a certain oven agrees - the Doctor mused.
- WHAT? - Donna's voice sounded from behind him, but there would be time for explanations.
- And no, it isn't malignant, it's been going on for an hour now, something should have already happened if it was a part of something bigger... Also, the TARDIS hasn't registered anything wrong - (though she was a bit coy) the Doctor thought as he started strolling energetically between TV screens. As he did, he caught a bit of the news in German.
- ... zu wiederholen, alle Uhre sagen es ist genau vierzehn Uhr und vierzehn Minuten...
- OH!!! - the Doctor exclaimed, stopping abruptly and putting his hand in his hair. A manic grin was starting to spread across his face.
- "OH," what? - Donna asked.
- Oh, I've spend too much time using English only! - the Doctor started giggling, to Kate Stewart's distaste. - One can get used to the idea of two past twleve too easily!
- What. Are you talking about? - Kate was visibly irritated. And less visibly worried.
- Don't you see? - the Time Lord turned to look at the UNIT's crew, his whole face lightened up like the room's own little sun. - It's not a scheme, it's not a paradox! - he paused for dramatic effect. - It's a valentine card!!!
Imagine, if you will, two courting lions jumping and nipping at each other among the dry grasses of the savannah. Growling playfully, patting at each other with their paws, stroking one another's necks. Dancing almost, a beautiful dalliance by a single tree.
Now, imagine a wildlife photographer hiding in that very tree, taking her sweet time shooting stunning photos of baby birds in a nest. Almost done with her work and wanting to get down and upload the day's work to her computer. Only to spot two lions licking each other's heads right where she should touch the Earth again and deciding a tree is in fact a perfect place to spend the next few hours.
That should give you an idea of what it feels like to be humans when Time Lords are on a pleasant date.
- A WHAT?!!! - Kate exclaimed, accompanied by the chorus of the entire UNIT.
- A valentine card! - the Doctor stated back, still in pure bliss. - From the Master!
- THE MASTER?!!! - another chorus, with sounds of everyone running for the nearest firearm.
- Yes, yes, exactly! Fourteen! It's all about the number fourteen! And that's my current regeneration!... Sort of.
- Wait, so- Kate began, slamming her gun back on a desk. - The Master... froze time... at an hour more or less corresponding to your regeneration... to... ask you out on a date?!
- More or less, yes - the Doctor answered, still too much in bliss to notice the irritation on the UNIT's leader's face. - This is how we show romantic interest on Gallifrey! - the manic grin turned into something more nostalgic. - And it's not exactly freezing time... It's a bit like... you know how clocks slow down the closer you get to the speed of light, right? But you, that is the human... subjectively aware being... does so, you don't really experience it! So yes, we would make those little bubbles of frozen timepieces with number of the regeneration our crush is on... The subjective time flow goes normally, it's just the objective measurement that stops!
- And that's... Time Lord idea of a valentine card? - Mel asked, her face scrunched uncertainly.
- Well. Valentine card. A bit too socially accepted to really be a thing for Time Lords. Not exactly big on showing affection, them... us...
- So, what, scratching your initials in a heart on a school desk? - she suggested.
- Yes, more like it, yes! - the Doctor picked up enthusiastically. - And... sticking the gum you both chewed to it... Not anything anyone approves of, but something everyone has done, so... everyone just accepts it with a fond smile...
- Oohhhhh...
- NO "OOHHHHS", Melanie Bush, if you please! - Kate was fuming. - And I suppose - she gritted through her teeth - that cleaning that gum up isn't a biggie for Time Lords?
- No, not exactly... - the Doctor started, finally noticing how pissed the woman was.
- And I also suppose - she continued, breathing deeply - that Time Lords don't have to bother with timestamps on, say credit card activities?
- No, not really, our currencies are quantum, they only register once observed-
- Oi, got one? - Donna perked up.
- NOW'S REALLY NOT THE TIME, DONNA! - for all her fury, there was a note of hysterical laughter in Kate's voice.
Imagine, if it will ease your conscience, that our terrified forced treedweller got a Wildlife Photographer Award for her stunning capture of lion courtship. And now you get an idea of what every single baking informatics technician or flight controller felt when, after 90 minutes of sweating in front of a computer, trying to keep the world finance and airship movement going, they found an e-mail granting them a two week full-paid leave, with a voucher for an all-inclusive week vacation in a location of choice. They'd probably be too happy to care for the note that "Kate Stewart says I'm sorry. I am not, but enjoy your stay.", signed "The Master".
- So let me get this straight - Kate started in a calmer voice, but massaging her temples - Earth's whole clock-based infrastructure was set on fire for the last hour... because the Master wanted to send you a valentine card?
- Well, yes, that's the gist of it... - the Doctor answered, a note of shame finally audible in his voice. - I suppose the whole initial carving and chewing gum sticking looks a bit different when you're the janitor who has to clean it up...
- Well, then, let it be clear that this janitor - Kate said, her voice dripping sick sweetness - charges the schoolboys responsible for the mess with cleaning it the fuck up.
- Yes, yes, of course, right onto it! - the Doctor answered, feeling not unlike a schoolboy feeling he got away lightly with his mess.
- I take it the TARDIS will have no problems fixing this?
- No, no, absolutely not, as I said, this is just a small mess for Time Lords... - the Doctor was already hopping inside his ship. - Though, while we're at it - he poked his head out again - do you think you could call the Paris UNIT?...
Kate had to stop herself from throwing something at the grinning Doctor, or at the giggling Mel.
There was an expression her father sometimes wore, usually in photos from the early 70s, though she spotted it first hand a few times as a small child. An expression of tolerant exasperation. Kate often wondered what was causing it. She was starting to think she knew now.
The Master was growing irritated. Certainly not worried, mind you, just irritated from spending the last two hours more or less naked in a pink and red themed room on the TARDIS. "Naked", here meaning wearing only boxer shorts (with "I AM THE MASTER" written on them), nipple clips (with "OBEY" and "ME" written on them), and a teasingly unbuttoned elegant shirt. And fishnet stockings with high heels. Which, after full two hours of waiting, left the Time Lord a bit chilly. At least he knew to only get ready once the clocks started working again, meaning his message was received... Received, but still not answered. Oh, the TARDIS has travelled twice since the clocks started moving again, but that was it...
The Master sighed and looked down on a small box on the mantlepiece (because of course this room would come with a mantlepiece). So much for putting a little romance in whatever it was he and the Doctor have developed over the past few months. Few months, nearly a year now! He absolutely was not hurt by the Doctor's unresponsiveness, let it be noted. No, absolutely not hurt, just irritated as always when his schemes went awry. So, the git was not interested in this kind of thing, so what? It's not like the Master gave a damn about some stupid human holiday, let alone about doing something nice for the other Time Lord. One would expect this body to keep much of that soppiness he had the last time he wore it, anhd he apparently did, but this did not extend onto the Master. He could llive with that, could beyond live with that, he was just a bit annoyed by the chill, ok? That was it, that was aboslutely it, and this was absolutely the first time he told himself he should stop the circus and get dressed, and-
There were two quiet knocks on the door. The Master immediately rushed onto the bed and stretched himself in a perfectly leisurely fashion.
- Come in - he threw towards the door in the most uninterested, lowest and seductively velvet voice he could muster and placed a rose in his teeth. Once he knew the door was wide open, he turned towards it, his eyes lowered languidly.. And saw Donna Noble.
- AAAAAA!!!!!
- AAAAAA!!!!!
- AAAAAA!!!!!
- AAAAAA!!!!
- FREAKING COVER YOURSELF!
- FREAKING CLOSE YOUR EYES!
- I ALREADY DID AND WILL STILL HAVE TO BLEACH THEM!
The Master scoffed, even while covering himself in fully opaque sheets. The Earthwoman had no taste.
- You can open them now, and do whatever it is you came for, but quick.
Donna opened one eye and, only after making sure no further damage will come through it, the other.
- Urgh, won't unsee. Anyway, once the TARDIS lands the next time, the Doctor asks you to go outside. Dressed, I'd suggest, it's European February where you're going.
The Master's hearts absolutely did not skip a bit, let this be noted, too.
- Oh, and why should I do that? - he asked, keeping his voice level.
- Won't tell. But say, you wouldn't happen to have one of them quantum credit cards your folk have?
The Master frowned. It always surprised him, just what bits of Doctor's knowledge were passed onto Donna.
- I might have one or two, yeah. And I might even be willing to borrow them, so long as you add me to your close friends so I can see the Doctor's photos from 2028 New Year.
- Deal - Donna answered curtly. - But now, go get dressed, but ONLY once I close the door, you have some five minutes left to prepare. And make sure to keep the Doctor busy and away while I'm with Shaun. Vwoorp-vwoorp can be a bit of a mood ruiner, if you get my drift.
The Master chose not to interpret that.
Exactly seven minutes and forty-three seconds later - elegantly late and all that - the Master was standing in front of a still closed TARDIS door. He made some last adjustments to the necklace which went well with the three-piece suit he was wearing, readjusted his feet in the high heels, and felt the small box in his pocket. He wasn't getting any ideas, another thing to be noted. The Doctor's idea of spending a Valentine's Day evening with his oldest friend and enemy was probably to visit a medieval Swiss countryside, with a rampant cockatrice to boot. Yes, that was probably what he had to brace himself for.
Sticking to this thought and straightening his back one last time, the Master opened the TARDIS door and stepped out onto... the evening on Eiffel Tower?
He took a quick look around for any folk creatures skuling about, but all he saw was a loudspeaker playing some string piece. And this was definitely the second terrace of Eiffel Tower, oddly empty of tourists.
In the middle of it, there stood the Doctor, beaming his blinding sunshine smile, next to a table set for two. Apart from two filled chutes of champagne, a small long box and a plate with what might have been four muffins but might as well be a result of Daleks interbreeding with cauliflowers, the table held a cake, which looked not so much more or less, but exactly like
- I baked and decorated it myself - the Doctor stated, not without pride as he noticed the Master's eyes lingering on the cake.
- Yes, I can believe that - the Master responded, and tried not to imagine the Doctor in a pink apron (and nothing else), his toungue sticking between his teeth as he butchered a perfectly fine cake with a piping bag.
- You look very nice - the Doctor complimented, still beaming that smile which could activate photosynthesis and cause skin cancer.
- And you look... - the Master glanced over the Doctor's usual outfit, but decorated with a single rose - tolerably.
The smile only became warmer and brighter.
- And! I got something for you! - the Doctor said, picking up the small box and handing it to the Master. The latter was definitely not holding his breath as he opened it.
- A... phone dialer?... Those are still a thing?
- No, not exactly, it's from 1963. But! it's pure silver, and engraved at Tiffany's in New York! - the Doctor was still beaming, but there was now a significant glint to in his eyes. A significant glint which the Master could understand. You don't get married on Earth without watching some romantic comedies.
- Well, how about that, fancy me being in the exact same shop, but sixty years later! - he said, taking out a much more square box. Of things to be noted, let it be absolutely not noted if the Doctor held his breath as he opened it.
- Oh! - he exclaimed as he looked inside. - Oh... Master, those are lovely! - he stated as he took out one simple pearl stud earring.
- Couldn't help you noticing gazing at those cheap plastic things they sell in every drugstore - the Master shrugged - and couldn't exactly let you wear anything so crude while I'm around.
The Doctor wrinkled his nose at the Master playfully.
- But... my ears aren't pierced, not in this body!
- Well, then - the Master said leisurely, picking up the muffin atom bomb mushroom and taking a bite; it didn't taste half as bad as it looked. - First time for everything, right?
The Doctor smiled and put the earrings beside the phone dialer. And then gave the Master a short kiss, which the other Time Lord, not thinking of the practicality of high heels, deepened.
- Happy Valentines, Master.
- Yeah. Happy cold day in the middle of February to you, too.