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Sometimes, pretending he isn’t in love with Jeongguk is more difficult than he expected.
It’s just that, more often than not, he can pretend pretty well that his heart doesn’t beat faster whenever he’s around, or that he doesn’t get all tongue-tied whenever they talk to each other, or that it doesn’t hurt when he thinks about Jeongguk dating someone else. But then there are days when it’s harder than ever.
Like tonight.
Tonight was supposed to be a fun night out with their friends, celebrating Valentine’s day―even though only two of them are in a relationship. And it has been. So far, Jimin has been having fun. It’s just that he can’t keep his eyes away from Jeongguk tonight. One would think that with all the time they spend together and all the years they’ve known each other, he’d no longer drool all over Jeongguk whenever he’s not looking. But that’s not the case.
Every single day, Jimin is once more reminded of the beauty that Jeon Jeongguk is. And tonight is no different, though it’s far more difficult what with the way Jeongguk looks. He’s dressed in tight leather pants that hug his thighs in the most perfect of ways, a black shirt that stretches over his toned chest and he discarded his leather jacket at some point during the night, the temperature in the nightclub too high for him to keep it on with all the dancing they’ve been doing. He’s a little bit taller than usual tonight because he’s wearing boots and the make-up he chose is absolutely on point. Smokey eye, his gaze somehow more intense than ever.
Jimin has been having a hard time meeting his eyes. He’s just too beautiful. And Jimin is nervous that it will be evident just how badly he wants him.
He’s been pinning over Jeongguk for years now. They’ve been best friends for as long as he can remember, even though Jimin is a year older than him. Jimin isn’t sure when that friendship became more to him, but it’s as if it’s been growing exponentially every single day. It’s gotten to the point where he can’t breathe around Jeongguk―which is ironic, considering he can’t breathe when he spends too much time away from him.
When he glances towards the dance floor again, his eyes inevitably meet Jeongguk’s. He took a break from dancing so he could get himself something to drink, but he’s lingered by the bar, trying to keep his hands at bay. He’s been itching to touch Jeongguk and dance with him all night. They’ve danced, but in group. No, that’s not what Jimin wants. Jimin wants to dance with him only, pressed to his body, swaying from side to side.
He hasn’t had any alcohol tonight, but it feels like he has. His emotions are all over the place and it’s so hard to keep them at bay. He looks away, taking a sip from his soda. When he looks back towards Jeongguk, unable to hold back, his eyes meet his again. Jeongguk looks away this time, an embarrassed expression taking over his features. He continues dancing with their friends, bodies moving around them and momentarily blocking Jimin’s view. But then he spots Jeongguk again and their eyes meet once more.
Jimin’s heart flutters in his chest. Jeongguk holds his gaze this time. Jimin’s cheeks heat up. Every once in a while, something like this will happen, something that will give him hope that maybe Jeongguk feels something for him too. He doesn’t dwell on it too much because it often ends up with him hurting. He finishes off what’s left of his glass and sets it down on the bar. When he turns to face the spot where Jeongguk was before, he finds him approaching him. It feels like he can’t breathe all of a sudden.
It remains that way until Jeongguk reaches him and places a hand on his elbow. His gentle smile makes everything inside of Jimin tingle. He tries his best to smile back, but he’s not sure he manages. If Jeongguk notices, he doesn’t say anything about it. Instead, he gently tugs at Jimin and gestures towards the dance floor.
“Dance with me?” He asks, or so Jimin thinks. He can’t hear him well over the loud music.
He nods and Jeongguk’s smile widens, his hand sliding down slowly. His touches have always been gentle and Jimin has always loved them. But tonight, they make him feel nervous, they make his heart flutter. Fingers slide across his forearm until they reach his fingers and twine with them. It’s not a first. Jimin’s heart reacts the same way it always does. He’s tugged forward and he follows.
They walk towards their friends, but stay a little to their side. It’s just the two of them, surrounded by dancing bodies. But it’s easy to pretend they’re not there when Jeongguk’s eyes are on his. Jimin holds his gaze as Jeongguk settles in front of him. He lets go of his hand and places it on Jimin’s hip. That’s new. They’ve danced together, but never like this. It’s always been jumping around, laughing, singing the lyrics to the song. This feels like they’re in some sort of trance.
Jeongguk looks down to where he’s holding onto Jimin’s hip. He stares for a split second before peeking upwards. And because Jimin is hopeful, because he’s felt this way for so long, he can’t help but give Jeongguk an encouraging smile, hoping he won’t let go. Jeongguk smiles back, a shy smile. He steps forward and as he does, he applies more pressure over Jimin’s hip, pulling him closer. Jimin goes, their bodies pressing tightly together. This is something Jimin has dreamed about so many times he’s lost count.
How have they never danced like this? How has he never been brave enough to try? He’s wanted Jeongguk for so long that, now that he’s been giving a little bit, he can’t help wanting more. He places a hand on Jeongguk’s bicep, the other one settling on the side of his neck. Jeongguk’s eyes meet his again. Jimin is hypnotized by him. They’re not even moving to the beat of the song, but it doesn’t matter. This moment is too special, too important. Too perfect. Jimin can feel his heart opening up, letting flow the feelings he always struggles to keep in.
It’s overwhelming. He drops his forehead to Jeongguk’s collarbone and takes a slow breath, trying to calm himself down. How has he loved Jeongguk for so long and never allowed himself to feel it properly? It feels like he’s kept the feelings locked up for all of these years and now that they’re slowly being released, it’s making his head spin.
Jeongguk’s hand slides from his hip to the low of his back. His touch is gentle but firm, the pressure he keeps on him enough to let Jimin know he doesn’t want him to move away. So, Jimin swallows the lump in his throat and hooks his chin over Jeongguk’s shoulder, keeping his eyes closed because he wants to stay in this moment for a little bit longer. Jeongguk’s arm ends up wrapped around his waist, his free hand on his right hip. The touch is gentle, a deep contrast to his strong hold with his arm.
Jimin wraps his own arm around Jeongguk’s shoulders and fists the back of his shirt, hoping it’s not too evident that he’s losing it. It’s too much and at the same time, it’s not enough. Jimin wants more. He wants everything and anything Jeongguk is willing to give him.
“You look beautiful tonight, hyung,” Jeongguk’s voice startles him. It’s sudden and so close to his ear that his breath brushes down the side of his neck and makes his heart jump. Jimin is struggling to breathe. Jeongguk is so close and so warm and so perfect.
“You look beautiful too,” Jimin replies, making sure to keep his lips close to Jeongguk’s ear so he can hear him properly.
Jeongguk’s hand squeezes around his hip and his head suddenly leans onto him. He starts swaying from side to side, this time seemingly trying to follow the beat of the song. Jimin follows, all the while trying his best to stay as close to Jeongguk as possible. This moment feels like a dream and he’s not sure of why it’s happening, but he’s not about to question it. It’s too perfect. He doesn’t want it to be ruined somehow.
They dance in silence for a long while, just moving from side to side, their holds on each other tight and firm. Maybe Jeongguk is feeling the same way Jimin is. Maybe he too is too afraid of letting go and of the moment suddenly breaking. And so, they stay like that. For a long while―Jimin isn’t sure how long goes by―they just move from side to side, firmly held onto each other.
When they finally start to relax, Jeongguk’s hands slide to his back, moving upwards until they’re on his shoulderblades. He goes to the sides then, across his arms. He steps back as he does and even though Jimin mourns the loss of Jeongguk’s closeness, Jeongguk is quickly holding his hand and spinning him around. Jimin doesn’t get to spin the whole way. Jeongguk’s body presses to his from behind and the momentary shock is enough for Jimin to stay frozen in place. He feels Jeongguk’s body tense behind his. His hand falls back to his hip and his lips brush against his earlobe as he speaks.
“Is this okay, hyung?”
His words ignite fire inside of Jimin’s body. There’s no coming back from this, he realizes. He wants so much, there’s no way he could possibly hold back. And maybe―gosh. Maybe he should stop being afraid. Maybe there’s nothing to be afraid of anymore.
“Yes,” he exhales, hoping Jeongguk hears him, but reaching back just to make sure.
His hand finds Jeongguk’s and he places it on his other hip, leaning back against him. They press together in all the ways that he’s wanted. He can feel every inch of Jeongguk against his back. His chin settles on Jimin’s shoulder and his breath slides down the side of his neck and Jimin closes his eyes, tilting his head back. He gets lost in it. He drowns in it. There’s just Jeongguk and the warmth sipping through their clothes and the way they fit perfectly together.
Whatever changed, Jimin doesn’t want it to stop.
They dance like that for another long while, bodies swaying from side to side. Until someone bumps into them and breaks the moment. They apologize, but frankly, Jimin barely notices. He turns around, worried it’s over. But Jeongguk quickly steps forward, wrapping his arms around Jimin’s waist and burrowing his face into Jimin’s neck. He squeezes tightly, his chest heaving against Jimin’s.
Jimin quickly places a hand in between Jeongguk’s shoulder blades and lets the other one slip into his hair. He plays with the strands softly, closing his eyes and getting lost in the slow swaying of Jeongguk’s body. They’re in their own little bubble and Jimin wants to stay here forever.
He’s not sure how long they dance. They don’t even speak much during that time. They move around together, turning and swirling and pressing together over and over again. Until Jimin feels sweat collecting at the low of his back and trickling down his nape. It’s too hot inside the nightclub, but it’s also because of all their dancing and the way Jeongguk’s closeness makes him feel. He’s breathless and he needs fresh air and he’s overwhelmed.
But he doesn’t want to move.
When Jeongguk steps back and pauses, Jimin feels panic creeping up his chest, his pulse quickening. But all Jeongguk does is smile, his expression dazed as his fingers twine with Jimin’s and he tugs softly.
“Come with me?”
Jimin nods. There’s very little he would say no to when it comes to Jeongguk. He lets himself be pulled across the dance floor. His eyes meet Taehyung’s as they walk past their friends and Taehyung smiles knowingly, encouraging. Jimin smiles back. Right now, he feels like anything is possible and maybe it’s because it’s so late, maybe it’s because it’s Valentine’s day. He has no clue. But he’s not letting this chance go.
Jeongguk guides him out of the nightclub and continues tugging at him. He steps into the first alleyway they come across and tugs at Jimin further inside, away from curious eyes―not that there’s much people out right now. It must be after midnight. Jimin doesn’t mind. His ears needed a rest from the loud music and being completely alone with Jeongguk is everything he wants and more.
As they come to a stop, Jimin feels his heart picking up speed again. He’s nervous. Something shifted between them tonight and even though he’s not sure of why, he wants to take the leap and jump forward. He wants to know if Jeongguk feels the same way about him. Because there’s nothing he wants more in life than to have Jeongguk in every way that’s possible.
Despite his firm decision, he finds it hard to speak up. He leans against the bricked wall and tries to catch his breath and organize his thoughts. But when Jeongguk lifts his gaze, all words die from Jimin’s mouth and he finds himself unable to look away from his eyes. He opens his mouth, but nothing. Jeongguk smiles, as if he understands. He steps forward and Jimin’s back straightens as Jeongguk slowly approaches.
Jeongguk crowds him up against the bricked wall. He’s suddenly so close that Jimin can’t breathe. They’re not even touching, they’re not even as close as they were inside the nightclub, but Jimin’s heart is going crazy and this feels even more intense than it was back there. Hands reach up and cup his cheeks. Thumbs brush across his cheekbones, gentle and tentative. He’s shaking, Jimin realizes. Maybe he’s as nervous as Jimin feels.
So, he reaches up and cups his cheeks too. Maybe words aren’t necessary. Maybe he can just show Jeongguk. He swallows down the lump in his throat and lifts himself up on his tiptoes so he can be even closer. Jeongguk isn’t that much taller, but like this, he has an excuse to press his body to Jeongguk’s.
“Hyung,” Jeongguk exhales.
That’s all he has to say. Jimin nods, lips parting and suddenly, Jeongguk is there, kissing him. Warm and plump lips press to his. They fit perfectly, slot against his. For a second, it feels like time has frozen, like the world has stopped spinning. Everything is frozen as Jimin feels the press of Jeongguk’s lips against his for the first time. Nothing could have ever prepared him for what it would be like.
He’s not even sure when he closed his eyes. He’s not even sure when they moved. But suddenly, Jeongguk’s hands are on his hips, pressing him to the wall. His body is also pressed firmly to his and his lips are moving, quick, urgent, as if he’s wanted this for a long time―for as long as Jimin has wanted it. And even though Jimin wants to take his time, to enjoy it and memorize it in his brain, he too feels desperate. He’s wanted it for so long, he can’t hold back.
He sighs deeply, slipping his fingers into Jeongguk’s hair. His lips move urgently against his, his heart going crazy in his chest. There’s just no getting enough of Jeongguk. Jeongguk kisses as if he’s drowning and Jimin is oxygen. Jeongguk kisses with an urgency that matches Jimin’s. But after a while, he starts to take his time. He nibbles on Jimin’s lower lip, tugs at it, sucks it into his mouth. Jimin shudders. He hasn’t even gotten used to the fact that he’s kissing Jeongguk and Jeongguk is suddenly doing all of these things that make his toes curl in his shoes and his body warm pleasantly despite the chilly air around them.
As they start to relax and stop feeling like they have to rush, their hands start to wander. Jeongguk’s hand slips under his shirt and touches his warm skin, successfully making him groan. Jimin slides his hands down the expanse of Jeongguk’s back, all the way to the hem of his shirt. He slips them under, allowing himself to touch his skin too. He’s touched before, times when they’ve hugged while in the beach or at the pool. It’s not skin he’s touching for the first time. But it is the first time he’s touching in this situation and the feeling is much more intense.
It means so much more. Jimin’s head is spinning as Jeongguk’s hand slides down the side of his thigh, curling under his knee. He lifts it up, hooking it over his hip. Jimin leans back, overwhelmed and almost unable to breathe. He leans back against the wall, chest heaving, his eyes still closed. Jeongguk doesn’t kiss him again, but he does drop Jimin’s leg as if it’s caught on fire, as if he’d moved it without even realizing.
That makes Jimin opens his eyes, worried he’s made Jeongguk think that he doesn’t like it. He does . It’s just that its’s so much and so quickly and he doesn’t know what to do with himself. This is more than he could have ever imagined he could have. He grips the front of Jeongguk’s shirt in a hurry and Jeongguk’s eyes meet.
“Don’t go,” he pleads. “I just―I need a moment to breathe.”
Relief flood Jeongguk’s expression and he relaxes, his arms circling Jimin’s hips, He drops his forehead to Jimin’s shoulder and sighs deeply. Jimin takes the moment to breathe and settle down his heart, otherwise, he’s not sure how he’ll be able to stay on his feet any longer. He closes his eyes and relaxes against Jeongguk, focusing on his breathing, trying to match it to Jeongguk’s. Slowly, they come down from the rush and as they do, Jeongguk turns his head, his nose sliding up the side of Jimin’s neck. He shudders when Jeongguk’s lips press under his earlobe.
“I’ve wanted to kiss you for a long time, hyung,” Jeongguk murmurs, his lips brushing against his sensitive skin.
He swallows down the lump in his throat and fists the back of Jeongguk’s shirt in hopes of grounding himself.
“Me too,” he exhales. “I’ve wanted you for so long I don’t even remember a time when I didn’t.”
It’s so easy to say, he wonders why he’s kept it hidden in his heart for so long. Jeongguk leans back, his eyes widening. Jimin looks back at him, surprised by his sudden movement. They stare at each other for a long moment.
“You have?” Jeongguk asks, voice soft and so shaky, Jimin starts to think that maybe Jeongguk really has felt the same way as him all this time. Maybe he was just as scared about losing Jimin.
“Yeah,” he murmurs, reaching up to cup his cheek. He smiles warmly. “I’ve been in love with you for a very long time, Jeongguk-ah.”
Jeongguk stares for a very long moment, unmoving, speechless. And then suddenly he’s cupping Jimin’s cheeks again and leaning in to kiss him and Jimin lets him, his smile slowly fading away as Jeongguk’s lips move against his.
“Me too, me too,” he mumbles against his mouth. “I’ve loved you for so long. So long, hyung.”
His confession makes every inch of Jimin’s body warm pleasantly. He loves hearing it. It’s something he’s craved and wanted for so long, he can’t quite believe that it’s actually happening. He wants to say more. He wants to express somehow the longing he’s felt all these years, the deep love he’s harbored for Jeongguk. But he can’t. He doesn’t even know how to put it into words. And maybe with time, he’ll be able to say everything he’s ever felt. But right now, all he can do is show Jeongguk. So, he does.
He pulls him closer, sliding his hand to his nape. And he parts his lips, lets him take what he pleases. He squeezes around his nape, earning himself a groan. Jeongguk shudders against him, pressing closer still. Jimin is once more trapped against the wall, but he doesn’t mind it one bit. There’s nothing he wants more than to get lost in this moment.
They kiss slower this time, they take their time, now that they know they don’t have to rush. They feel the same way. And it seems that it’s always been like that. It feels like this is a dream and Jimin honestly doesn’t want to wake up from it. He wants to stay here for as long as possible. But there’s something he wants to know first. What is it about tonight that made them both just…confess?
“Jeongguk-ah,” he murmurs, leaning back just enough that he can speak and his lips are still brushing against Jeongguk’s. “Why tonight? What changed that made you want to tell me?”
Jeongguk shakes his head. “I’m not sure. I just―you were looking at me. And on nights like today, you look so beautiful, I just can’t―I couldn’t stop looking at you,” he explains. “And it felt different when you said yes to dancing. And when we danced. And then I just―I guess I hade hope.”
Jimin smiles widely. “Yeah, on nights like today you also look too beautiful to resist,” he murmurs, sliding his hands down the front of Jeongguk’s shirt. “I couldn’t stop looking at you either. And I’ve always had hope. I’m glad,” he confesses. “I want us to go home together, Jeongguk-ah. I want to just―I want you all to myself.”
Jeongguk perks up at that. His expression shifts and his hands settle on Jimin’s hips, squeezing them tightly.
“Yeah?” He asks. “Want to go home with me, hyung?”
The way he says it is so promising, almost like a challenge. Jimin nods without hesitation.
“Take me home, Jeongguk-ah.”
Jeongguk doesn’t need to be told twice. He pecks his lips once more and quickly reaches for his hand, pulling him out of the alleyway and rushing down the block towards his place. Jimin follows with a big smile on his lips. They have all the time in the world now. Jimin can slowly tell Jeongguk everything he feels―and he can show him, too. The thought makes excitement flutter in the low of his belly. He presses closer to Jeongguk’s side as they walk home together.
This isn’t what Jimin expected for Valentine’s day, but he’s not protesting. He’s grateful that this is his gift. Jeongguk glances at him with that eager smile of his and Jimin smiles back. It’s perfect. He doesn’t need more.