Archive of Our Own

Um… hello? Thal?

Yeah. I didn’t think you’d answer. I thought maybe… I don’t know… the leaves would rustle or something….

That’s dumb. I can hear you in my head saying that it’s dumb….

I can’t actually, though.

I can’t hear you.

It’s Luke, by the way. I’m not sure if you can hear me ? I asked Chiron- Chiron’s the guy basically in charge here. I mean, not actually, but he’s the only one who actually does anything. Not that he does much beyond avoid my questions and make cryptic warnings about guarding my heart. You’d hate him. You’d hate camp .

Annabeth likes it. I guess that’s to be expected. She’s young, she needs routine and structure in her life. She always liked having a plan, so the non-stop scheduled activity really works for her. She never really bought into the whole ‘the gods can suck it’ spiel.

It’s fine, though. No monsters, so that’s nice. I mean, it’s boring and… I don’t know… life feels pointless now? I don’t know… I shouldn’t complain. People worked hard to get me here. You-

Sorry. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, I know how uncomfortable it makes you. I’ve got it under control now. 

Anyway, I was gonna ask you: if you could hear me or see me, maybe like, drop a branch on my head or something?

You always liked hitting things, so I figure if you don’t do that, then… you can’t.

So… yeah… if you can….

It’s stupid I thought that would work. You’d think it was stupid. It is stupid. Everything is stupid now. 

I just didn’t know how it worked. Nobody seems to know how it works. Chiron said the “essence of the soul” was preserved- whatever the hell that means. As far as I can tell, it means you’re trapped in some sort of limbo between death and life. I guess that was somehow better than you dying? 

Better for who? Don’t ask me. When I asked Chiron why your dad thought that was the best option, he told me it was inadvisable to question the gods and I shouldn’t use their names if I can avoid it.

You’d hate it here.

Honestly, don’t even get me started on the name thing. That’s one of those things nobody ever shuts up about. You can’t say ‘Zeus’ or ‘Hermes’ or ‘Dionysus’ even. He’s the person actually in charge of camp. Zeus punished him or something- yet another god punishment that really only impacts us, you know how it is. 

Anyway, we can’t call him that. We’re supposed to call him Mr. D. He can’t be bothered to remember our names, but we have to call him Mr. D as a sign of respect or something. Have I mentioned that you’d hate it here?

Whatever. I don’t care that much. I figure I’ll just say the right stuff when anybody else is around and talk the same as always with you. 

What else was I gonna tell you….?

Um… Hermes cabin takes in the unclaimed kids. Which means that any kid not officially identified by a godly parent stays in our cabin. We stay in cabins, I’m not sure if I mentioned that. 

Anyway, our cabin is the busiest. I’m sleeping on the floor right now. Apparently, actual Hermes kids normally get beds and it’s the unclaimed on the floor, but I’m new and I was advised not to bring that up. There’s this older, unclaimed kid and everybody seems scared of him, so Nathan- Nathan’s the counselor of Hermes- said not to “rock the boat” yet. 

A lot of them are older, so Nathan says they’ll leave soon. Go on a quest or just leave camp or-

I don’t know. I don’t mind the floor- feels more familiar than a bed, honestly. Annabeth has a bed because her cabin’s a lot smaller than mine, but she likes to sleep outside still anyway. I think it makes her think of before. 

They call me a lot to look after her- the nightmares and all. It’s nice to feel needed I guess.

She wasn’t eating for the first couple of days. She wouldn’t really leave my side, honestly. Nobody knew what to do. I was weirdly proud of her for causing so much upset in the camp. Chiron was at his wit’s end and it was kind of funny.

Then one of her cabinmates made a schedule for her camp activities. Weirdly, that’s all it took. She just needed a plan to follow.

I almost told her that wasn’t very “punk rock” of her, but I was worried she wouldn’t think it was funny. Besides, it’s…. I try not to mention you in camp. Not because I don’t miss you or because I want to forget you or anything! It’s just….

People talk about you like you’re a myth. They want to hear about the…. They talk like it’s a blockbuster or a bedtime story. It feels like…. 

I want to keep who you actually were to myself. They shouldn’t get to know. They don’t get to know. 

There are some things I can barely resist telling them. Like, people want to come to your tree and pray, cause they think you will help them bring their prayers closer to the gods. Every time somebody says that to me, I can barely stop myself from telling them that you’re more likely to send their prayers in the wrong direction just for fun.

God I miss you. 

I should go. I can’t miss out on the rigidly scheduled sword practice, after all. I’ll try and come back soon. Last chance to drop a branch on my head?

Yeah. I didn’t think so.

________________________

I met your dad.

Yeah. He sucks.

Or… I don’t know….

He did seem to care. I wonder if that would have surprised you. He seemed genuinely upset about it and he thanked me for “looking after you” or whatever. That definitely would have pissed you off.

“If anyone was looking after anyone else, I was looking after him.” (That’s my best impression of you, what are your thoughts?)

I agree. It was great.

It was stupid, though. It was all so stupid. You would have thought it was stupid. It was stupid. It was so… I don’t know, performative? I mean, he did seem to care, but the whole thing was so….

I can’t explain it. It felt disrespectful somehow. Maybe it’s just because you would have hated it so much. They burned a shroud for you and gave a big speech about your bravery and strength. They asked me to say something, but I got out of it by playing the sympathy card.

Annabeth talked. It was… fine. You would have hated it, but I don’t think she meant it that way. I don’t know… it was fine.

Grover wanted to talk, but they didn’t let him. Everyone blames him for what happened, I guess. I should probably have defended him or something. It wasn’t his fault. He tried. I don’t know…. 

I didn’t say anything. Don’t want to rock the boat.

Zeus showed up in a mortal form at the end, shook my hand, thanked me. He seemed to actually be grieving. I was gonna ask him why a tree was the best idea he could come up with, but I couldn’t. He seemed actually sad.

Besides, my dad told me not to. I guess he can read me or something. Almost as good as you could. I hate that. I hate it. I hate him.

That’s what it is. Everyone thinks I’m sad. Everyone thinks I’m grieving. Everyone thinks I’m nice and devout and sorry about it all. 

I’m not.

I’m angry. I’m angrier than I ever was before. I think you left your anger behind for me and I just added it to my… what did you call it? My ‘slow-broiled rage roast’?

Damn. I didn’t want to cry about this. I just… miss you. It’s not the right word. It’s not big enough. I miss my mom. I don’t know what word I should use to characterize the absence of you from my life. It’s a hell of a lot more than ‘miss’.

I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. None of it matters.

God, I’m angry.

Did your rage ever scare you? Remember I used to tell you that my anger seemed to scare my mom? I never got it. I didn’t get it with your rage; I didn’t get it with mine before. But now….

When I first got here today, I thought about swiping my sword into… you….

I’m sorry. I know it’s awful. That’s how I do it. I beat on the dummies- I’m good. I’m one of the best fighters here so it’s fine. It’s an acceptable way for me to just….

I’m so angry, Thal. And it’s starting to scare me.

It’s fine, though. It’ll be fine.

I’ve got Annabeth. She really is the best of us. In a not weird way, I mean.

I’ll be back soon. Bye Thal.

________________________

Am I allowed to talk badly about Annabeth to you? Does she talk badly about me to you?

She’s being so unbelievably….

She wants me to teach her how to fight. Not how to defend herself. How to fight. Like with a sword. Like me. She wants to be like me.

She wants to leave camp. She wants to go out in scouting parties. She wants to fight.

What’s wrong with drawing buildings and reading books? It’s been working for her so far!

Why can’t she just….

I’m not going to do it. 

I’m just not.

She was pissed about it- threw you in my face. She did it to hurt me. She did it on purpose. She actually looked a lot like you when she did. 

She probably looked more like me than I’d like to admit too.

I don’t know what she thinks it’s going to do. 

She doesn’t even like the more aggressive campers. I can get along with them- but then, I can get along with anyone, that’s kind of my thing. 

But she gets into it with them regularly. She wants to lead a Capture the Flag team, so she can prove the superiority of her strategy. So why does she want to become like them? Hell if I know!

She’s the best of us. Why can’t she just stay the best of us? I need her to stay the best of us.

I need you . You would know what to do. You could fix it. You’d say the right thing and she’d understand.

She doesn’t really understand me anymore.

I don’t know. Maybe that’s not fair.

She just fit so well into all of this. I’m not even sure if it felt like a shift for her, she just slipped into place. Like she was always supposed to be here. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I was never supposed to be here.

It doesn’t matter. Everyone else thinks I fit, so… I must, I guess.

I’ve got a bed now, so that must count for something, right?

Nathan managed to get me some new clothes too. I don’t know if you can tell, but I’ve been growing like a weed. So I needed new clothes. I didn’t think anybody noticed, but a stack showed up on my bed a couple days ago, so I guess Nathan did.

You’d like Nathan. He’s pretty withdrawn but crazy observant. So he won’t say anything for, like, the majority of a cabin debate and then just hit the group with a single sentence that solves the whole thing. He’s great.

Maybe I’ll ask him what to do about Annabeth. I mean, he’s not you… but he’s probably been paying enough attention to her to have something worth listening to.

You’ll forgive me for that, right?

I mean, you’re not here, so there’s only so much I can do on my own. I’m doing my best. I swear I’m doing my best.

Yeah.

I’m gonna go ask Nathan,

I’ll let you know what he says. See ya.

________________________

You up? 

Just kidding. I’m assuming you are either always or never up.

Don’t mind me. I just had to leave my cabin. Sometimes it’s….

We get the criers.

That’s probably not completely fair, but I swear the unclaimed kids cry more than most. I guess that makes sense. They probably feel more alone. They have more nightmares, definitely.

Also, they have to sleep on the floor.

So I guess it’s fair that they’re upset.

That doesn’t make it not suck.

Sometimes I just lie there and listen to them whimper and moan and stifle sobs into pillows and I just….

It makes me mad. 

I’m not actually sure whether claiming would make a difference, but it’s worth a shot at least! Why can’t the mighty gods take two seconds out of their very busy and important schedules and just say something?

They never say anything! It’s so…. 

If they didn’t want to give a shit about us, why did they even have us? Do gods not have condoms or anything? Birth control? Somebody get Aphrodite an IUD before it’s too late!

See, this is why I love talking to you. I couldn’t say that to anybody else here- not even Annabeth. Annabeth is… different. She came here too young, I think.

I don’t know, she thinks I’m “too critical” of the gods. Which is….

Well, it’s definitely not very “punk rock” of her.

She wouldn’t think that if she could hear those kids.

You should hear those kids, Thal.

I don’t know how Nathan does it. Whenever he hears someone, he gets up right away. He’ll try and soothe them or wake them up or take them outside to talk. I swear, he might be magic. He’s what my dad should have been. 

Maybe I’ll just make Nathan my dad.

Dad’s gonna send him on a quest soon. That’s what happens when you get old enough- the gods send you on a quest. It’s stupid, but if it goes well… sometimes it can make a really big difference, you know?

I hope it goes well for Nathan.

I’m not sure what we’re going to do when he’s gone, though. I’m definitely not going to be the one to wake up in the middle of the night and soothe unclaimed kids.

I’d much rather be here.

You don’t mind if I just spend the night against your tree, do you? I really don’t want to go back.

I know you’d call me a coward. But honestly, maybe I am. I think I might be.

Either way, I’m gonna stay here until morning. Night Thalia.

________________________

Hi.

It’s been a bit. Longer than I wanted. I’m sorry.

I didn’t know how to come. Everything is changing. Everything is different now.

Do you remember when we were talking about how I’d grow into my limbs? I’d face planted that day while we were breaking into the convenience store and I was irrationally pissed about it. Looking back, it was so dumb. I’m not sure why I was so mad. But I was.

I was stalking around and muttering and kicking stuff and you had to tuck poor Annabeth in. And then you came and you did that thing where you bumped my shoulder with yours and you said that I was gonna grow into my limbs one day. And once I did, it’d be all over for those bitches.

I didn’t want to laugh, but you said it in a funny voice, so I did.

I think that encouraged you. It made you reckless. I don’t think you would have said it if I hadn’t been pissy and you hadn’t been trying to draw me back to you guys. I think you only said it cause I was scaring Annabeth.

I was scaring Annabeth. I didn’t notice it at the time. I wish I had. I think… I think that might have helped. 

But I’m also kind of glad I didn’t. It made you reckless. I don’t think you would have said it otherwise.

You said that I’d have total mastery over my limbs. You said I’d be a force to be reckoned with. You said I’d be hot.

You tried to laugh it off, but I knew you too well. I’d been there through it all. I couldn’t help thinking that I wasn’t the only one. I couldn’t have been the only one.

I mean, to be clear, I was still absolutely terrified it was all in my head. You know how sometimes you want things to be true, so you convince yourself they are? I’ve been giving my dad the best pieces of my meal lately. I’ve been… I don’t know. I’ve gotta believe in something , Thal. 

I hope you wouldn’t hate me for it, but I gotta believe in something or I’m going to lose my mind.

My point is that it gives me a sense of peace. But I’m pretty sure it’s in my head. I’m pretty sure I just want it to be that way.

I felt like that when I asked you. Could you tell? I tried to sound so suave and unconcerned, but I’m not sure if I pulled it off or not.

Honest to God, my heart was in my throat when I asked you. I’d changed the tense too. You said that I would be hot, but I asked you if you thought I was hot. Present tense. I thought you might pick me up on that. I’m not sure why you didn’t. I think you were just reckless that evening.

I thought you might… I don’t know. Before Annabeth spoke, I thought you were going to….

Were you?

I’m going on a date.

Tonight. 

And also a few more lined up for the future. People want to date me. One girl asked and it kind of set off an avalanche of requests. I don’t know…

I got hot.

I feel kind of shitty about it. 

I’m not sure if I’m projecting or if you’d want me to feel shitty even, but… I don’t know.

I used to think it was you. You must have known that, right? God, I hope you knew that. I really, really hope you knew that. I’m sorry for not saying so. I think I’ve just always been a fucking coward.

Is it bad that I want this to work out? I want somebody to tell me I’m doing a good job and I’m going to be okay and I’m hot. I want somebody else to tell me I’m hot.

I want a fucking answer! Fucking sue me for wishing I could get a response for once in my fucking life!

I didn’t mean that. 

I’m sorry.

Wish me luck.

________________________

Nathan died.

I meant to tell you that last time.

I got distracted with all my bullshit and I forgot.

I think I’m a bad person.

It didn’t make much of a stir. We had a small ceremony, burned the shroud, Chiron asked me to say some shit. 

Dad didn’t come. 

Chiron says that the quests aren’t usually successful. He says that lots of people never return. He says you get used to it. What the fuck is wrong with everybody here?

They asked me to be the new head counselor. I’m getting to be one of the oldest here. I’ve grown up. I turned my rage into high-level swordsmanship. It made sense.

They hadn’t even burned the shroud yet when I moved into his bed.

Felt a little shitty to me. But what do I know.

I’m trying to be as good as he was… but I’m not doing great. I think he was a genuinely good person. I’m just pretending to be, so what chance do I stand?

I thought more girls would tell me I was doing a good job at it on dates, but they don’t. They just talk about my muscles and swordsmanship and how brave I am.

Sometimes they talk about you.

I’m trying to be good at it. I don’t fuck off in the night anymore, I soothe and comfort. I take kids outside and I talk to them to try and help. I’m not sure what Nathan actually said when he did that. I wish I’d eavesdropped.

They ask me why. Why them? Why the monsters? Why the inaction from the gods? Why can’t they just go home? 

Any thoughts?

Yeah. Me neither.

There’s a newer kid. His name’s Ethan. He asked me if there was something wrong with him.

Fucking kids, right?

Speaking of which, Annabeth’s gotten obsessed with going on a quest. All she does is talk about how she has to prepare. I think she’s seen something or… I don’t know. It’s weird. It feels like her and Chiron have an inside joke or something. And the way she talks about her quest, it’s almost like it’s inevitable.

I think she’s too young, but she doesn’t want to hear that.

We talk less and less honestly. I love her. I’d die for her. I think she feels the same way, but… I just don’t know how to talk to her.

She’s got her own head counselor. A girl. Lyra. She’s nice. I felt her up a while ago. I think she thought something would come of it. Frankly, so did I. But nothing did. Nothing ever does. I’m developing a bit of a reputation actually. I’m gonna stop saying yes, I think. It never works out and I don’t like the endings.

Whatever. Sorry. I don’t know why I told you that. I didn’t mean to. Sorry.

I have to go anyway. Head counselor comes with a lot of responsibilities. I have to make sure the kids are going to bed and everybody feels good. Whatever the hell that means.

I don’t know. It’s nice to feel needed I guess.

________________________

I’m dating somebody. For real. I have a girlfriend.

Her name is Maya.

She’s funny and she’s a head too.

We bond over that.

It’s been going well. I’m sorry for that.

I just wanted to tell you. 

I’m sorry.

________________________

Thalia? 

I need… if you can hear me even just a bit, could you somehow-? 

I’ll take any sign. I’ll take any sign. Praying to dad didn’t do much- I’ll pray to you instead. Please. Please. Please .

I need you.

It’s crazy how I convince myself something’s gonna happen every time.

It never does. But I never learn.

I’m like a fucking dog. It’d be inspirational if I had a master who gave a fuck about me… but I don’t. So it’s just sad.

This kid left. Holly.

I didn’t know her- she was in Maya’s cabin, actually. She just… left. They said “there’s monsters, you’re safe here, the world will never accept you”. She said she didn’t care. She said she was unhappy here and she wasn’t going to stay.

“This isn’t real.”

That’s what she said. “It might be dangerous and sad and unsafe out there, but at least it’s real. This isn’t real.”

It fucking is, though.

Which is worse.

It is real. 

But I’m unhappy too.

She said she might die, but at least it would be with a smile on her face. 

I think she meant that at least she’d be happy. But it made me think of you. It felt like something you would say. It felt like something Green Day would say. ‘I hope you had the time of your life’, and all that.

What the fuck am I doing, Thal?
Why am I still here? I’m so old and so….

It’s not gone. The anger. I’ve fooled them into thinking it, maybe I’ve even fooled myself into thinking it. But… I bet I haven’t fooled you. It’s not gone. It’s bigger. It’s less noticeable, but it is bigger. And it is dangerous.

It doesn’t scare me anymore.

I have a feeling that’s going to be a problem.

I’m gonna leave this summer. I think I’m staying for you. But you’re not here. Not really.

I’m gonna leave for you.

You would understand.

I gotta have the time of my life.

There’s nothing for me here.

________________________

Exit Maya, stage right.

I don’t even miss her that much. I just… didn’t need the affirmation that I’m destined to be alone. Not this week. 

It’s been three whole fucking years.

In some ways, I can’t believe it. How can it have been three years? How can I have been without you for three whole years?

In other ways, I can’t believe it’s only been three years. I feel so old. I feel so different. I feel so… marred. I don’t know.

Maya doesn’t get any of it. It was her fucking kid! It wasn’t even my kid! My kids would never leave me- they see me as a hero or something….

Why doesn’t she care?

At the very least, she should see it as a failure right? She didn’t even remember who I was talking about! 

It’s galling! I feel fucking crazy here. Either I am completely off base, or I am the only person who isn’t. Neither option makes me feel great.

I hate it here.

I hate everything. 

I hate Chiron. I hate the crying kids. I hate the swordfighting. I hate the girls. I hate giving any of my food to a deadbeat loser who can’t even-

I hate it here.

Chiron talked me out of leaving. He said the kids need me.

They do. He’s not wrong. Nobody else gives a crap about the unclaimed ones.

I can’t go.

There’s a rumour that my dad’s gonna give me a quest.

I think Chiron asked him to. To keep me here.

Whatever. I’ll do it. It might even make a difference.

I hate that I hope for that. But I do. 

I’m so fucking tired, Thalia. I’m too young to feel so tired.

You would not have appreciated that line. I can hear you-

I can’t.

I can’t hear you anymore.

When did that happen?

I can’t remember what your voice sounds like. I can’t bring it out of my memories. I just… can’t.

Fuck. I promise I won’t cry, but just… give me a sec here.

God. It’s stupid that it feels like a betrayal. But it honestly kind of does.

I don’t even… I can remember stuff that happened still, I just can’t hear your voice. I know what you said, I know what you looked like. I just can’t hear your voice.

Fuck.

Fuck!

FUCK!

Damn, I have to go. That’s dinner.

I’ll… I’m gonna remember. Just give me some time. I’ll remember.

________________________

Well. I have it.

Chiron must have said something or… I don’t fucking know. I don’t want to think about it. Who cares why my dad remembered I was alive? He did remember, that’s what matters.

He gave me a quest. I mean, it’s a recycled Heracles quest, but whatever. I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna leave camp and actually do something and maybe he’ll see-

Whatever.

Annabeth is pissy about it. She wants me to take her with me. She’s become such a little spitfire, honestly. You’d love it.

I mean, obviously I’m not taking her. But I briefly considered it- that’s how good of an argument she made. 

But anyway, I gotta go. I have to get ready and I want to leave as soon as I can. I mean, I don’t care about it or anything, but I figure I should do the best I can. Why not, you know?

I just wanted you to know. I might not come back for a while, but I haven’t forgotten you. I can’t….

I can’t bring your voice back, but I haven’t forgotten you . I promise.

I’ll see you soon.

________________________

I’m back.

Ummmmm…

It was fine. I have a claw. I-

Fuck.

I know I promised you I wouldn’t cry, but-

Can I just…. I know you hate it, but I don’t have anywhere else to go. There’s nowhere else. I’m trapped here and everyone is looking… and Annabeth… and my campers….

Just once, Thal. I just really need a place-

I hate to let you down. I swear I’m doing my best. I-

________________________

When I stole that mini bottle of wine and you smashed it, why did you do that? You were so mad, I never asked. Did you think…

Were you worried you’d be like her? Your mom?

I’ve been hearing voices. Or like… a voice. I’ve been having these dreams, I mean. And I don’t know. They’re bad I think. But they’re also….

I could build this world better, Thalia. I could do it better. Things would be different. Kids wouldn’t be alone and scared and crying. Our parents wouldn’t be in charge. They’re bad at it. 

They are bad at it and I could do it better.

If I was in charge….

You’d still be here, for one.

I think it’s bad. Or… I don’t know, dangerous. I think it’s dangerous.

I should tell somebody. Chiron or Annabeth or….

It feels obvious to me, honestly. I don’t feel like me. Every time I talk to someone, I think they’re gonna cock their head and say… something. I feel like it’s obvious.

Nobody does, to be clear. I’m one of the oldest. I’m grown up. I turned my rage into brilliant swordsmanship. Why would anybody worry about me?

They should be worried about me.

I could do it better. I know I could. I think… if I get a chance, I will. For you.

________________________

He’s a fucking son of Poseidon. He’s another fucking prophecy kid. He reminds me of you and he’s a prophecy kid and he’s got this smile-

Fuck!

I wish I’d known. I wish He’d told me. I wish I had known to prepare. I-

Nevermind. I can’t say too much, I don’t know who’s around.

Annabeth… I can tell that she…. 

She’s going on the quest. She should be safe, but…. 

It’s too late anyway. I’m committed. And I can’t… I can’t fail again. Not after last time. I can’t fail Him.

I’m a bad person, Thalia. I think this is my sacrifice.

You gave your life to protect the demigods.

I’m giving my soul to do the same.

Your sacrifice wasn’t worth it; let’s hope mine will be.

________________________

Thal?

I have to leave. Tonight. It’s… none of it went well. None of it. I’m not sure how He feels about it. I mean, I did my best. But He doesn’t really care about stuff like that. He told me to leave as soon as I could and take charge of his-

We’re going to war. I think it was inevitable. I think you’d hate me for it.

Annabeth is okay. She came back with the prophecy kid. They’re both fine. 

I won’t be able to come back. This is goodbye. For….

I think, for forever.

I love you. I’m gonna do right by you. We might have to burn the world down and I know you’d hate that. But I’ll make it better, I swear. I’ll remake it right.

Goodbye Thalia.

________________________

Um…

Hi.

It’s me again.

You can’t feel, right? I mean you can’t see or hear or… 

Fuck.

It’s not my fault. It’s His plan. I can’t… you don’t understand, I can’t just-

It’s His plan. 

I’m sorry. Percy’s gonna get the Fleece. Maybe you’ll even….

Nope. Not going there.

But you’ll be okay. I promise.

I’m so sorry. I hope you can see your way to forgiving me in another life.