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It'd been 4 years since Suzanne first married John. 4 years since she agreed to this arrangement. Marrying the man didn't seem so bad at the time. He wasn't a horrible husband... decently attentive. It's more like a roommate than a husband. Most of the time he spent tucked away in his office, working. That office is where he currently was while Suzanne was preparing dinner. Once it was all set, she went upstairs to his office to inform him that dinner was ready.
“John!” She called as she approached his office down the long hallway, her heels echoing on the brown hardwood floor. She didn’t know why his office needed to be at the furthest point of the estate. John's face was buried in his laptop, as per usual, though he did look up when he heard his name.
“Yes?"
The man could barely hold a conversation, much less express his feelings. This would be a nice, quick interaction before she'd go back downstairs and eat all of dinner herself. Suzanne ate 95% of the meals she made by herself anyway, he always said he wasn't hungry. Susanne stood in the doorway, her hands on her hips. “I have two things to say.” She said simply. “One, dinner is ready.”
John was silent for a few seconds, his eyes not leaving the laptop. Perhaps he needed those few seconds to process what you'd said. Perhaps it was just another tactic in his efforts to avoid conversation with you.
“And two?” He asked then.
“Will you fuck me?” She asked simply, staring at him with a completely serious expression.
His gaze finally left the screen as he looked at her. For a few seconds, he didn't say anything before replying. “No.”
“Then I’m cheating.” She said simply, her hands still firmly on her hips. “I just want you to know.”
Silence followed after her reply. This time the man actually had a reaction - and it was surprise. Not only was she going to cheat, but she was telling him too. “How long have you had your... affair ?”
“I haven’t had an affair.” She said calmly. “I’ve suffered for years without even the smell of a man in my bed, I can say I’ve been 100% faithful to you.” That's when she saw it. Something she had never seen before. The man's expression began to darken. He looked genuinely angry. "You have the audacity to expect me to believe that you have gone 4 years without physical interaction of any kind?"
“Yes.” She said simply. “Vibrators are a thing, darling.”
"So you haven't cheated." Once again he was silent, his attention now focused on his laptop once more. His hands began to move again as he was seemingly ignoring her, his focus back on work.
“I haven’t, but I know you have.” She said simply, before turning on her heel and walking out of her husband's office. John followed after her, his steps heavy as he made his way behind his wife.
“What makes you think I've had an affair?”
“Forgive me for being stereotypical but you’re a man, it’s in your biology.” She said calmly, looking at John. “You have the money and the looks.”
He was so stunned he couldn't even come up with something to say. The audacity of her statement was actually impressive in a way. She knew who she was speaking to, she knew that what she said would provoke a serious reaction from John.
“You think I am unfaithful because of my gender and wealth? That's all I am to you?”
“I am speaking on your looks and biology, so yes.” She said calmly, looking back at her husband. At least they were fighting if anything. “Your whole brain, on a biological level, tells you to impregnate as many women as you can, so if you’ve really stayed dry for four years, then my mouth would be on the floor.”
This time he did raise his voice a little more. “Do you honestly believe that all men cheat on their partners? That all men are just incapable of staying committed to one woman?”
“I am talking on a biological level, so yes!” She said back, grabbing him by the shoulders. “And you’re not committed to me because I have not seen you in our bedroom since the wedding night.”
He rolled his eyes in return. “I'm sorry that you have such a low opinion of male biology," he replied in a sarcastic tone, “, but I have just the same capacity as you do to stay faithful- as in 100% faithfulness.” Suzanne was getting him rather riled up. A man with such a cool, calm, and collected attitude was losing his composure because of her. She loved the fact that she got under his skin like this.
“You can’t fuck work John, and if you did, then that would be very depressing.” She said calmly, taking her hands off his shoulders. “Do you need it spelled out for you, woman?” The man was getting incredibly angry but somehow he managed to not raise his voice. It took a lot of willpower for him to keep this under control. Not that she could tell in the past when he had lost his temper with her.
“What I mean is that I've just been so busy with work that I'm always occupied with it. I don't have the time for anything else. It's that simple.”
“Then I recommend you, as your wife,” Susanne said, placing her hand on his shoulder. “, please do. Because I’m starting to feel sorry for you.”
John's body shuddered at the touch. He wanted to swat her hand away, to recoil with the same speed and force he usually did when he was angry. And yet he fought against it, he kept it down inside. Her statement only made him angrier with how pathetic it sounded.
“My work is more important than my marriage. You knew exactly what you were getting into when you married me.”
“I’m not asking it to be me.” She said with a blank look. “Maybe that’s why you’re tense all the time, hell, I get cranky after three months.”
An eyebrow raised, a look of confusion on his face. “Are you trying to tell me to have an affair?”
“I’m suggesting it, sex does wonders.” She said calmly, taking her hand back. “Plus, I never expected you to be faithful in the first place, so I’ll be honest, my jaw is on the floor.”
He stared at her, a look of utter confusion on his face. The man had been a lot of things to her during this conversation, but she had never expected his expression to be that of disbelief.
“And who exactly do you want me to have an affair with?”
“Am I supposed to choose the women you fuck now? Choose who you want, I don’t know your style or type.” She said with a small shrug.
The man just looked away and sighed. The suggestion itself was completely asinine. He was used to the way his wife made him feel, but this? She suggested that he cheat on her. It felt worse than anything else he'd had to endure throughout this conversation. Perhaps she was suggesting this as a way to get back at him, but it still made him feel...
“What happened to getting back at me for you 'suffering without physical interaction'?”
“I’ll be honest, I’ve cheated on you.” Susanne finally said, looking back at John. “In my defense I was drunk.”
John's body stiffened at the declaration. His breath caught as his heart began to pound. The man looked distraught at this point. His eyebrows were pressed together, his eyes wide, his expression of disbelief now turned to one of shock.
“Just.... just tell me who it is.”
But his reaction hadn't been one she had been looking for. Susanne took a breath, looking off to the side. “More than one man.” She whispered, now in shame.
The man was completely quiet now, his breathing a mess. For a long moment, he just stood there, looking away. Before her eyes, he looked visibly hurt. Shed had never seen him like this before, in a state of complete shock and hurt. “How many?”
“Four.” She admitted, finally pulling her attention back to John. He could hit her, yell at her…she just wanted to feel like he was right.
His entire world shattered when she answered. Again he was silent, his gaze not meeting yours anymore. The words she just said, hit him like a knife. They pierced through him and dug deep into his heart. His hands began balling into fists, though he kept the rest of his body still.
“And when did all of this happen?”
“Over the years.” She admitted as she looked to the floor like she felt she should. The fact that John wasn’t even yelling was already a blessing and a curse.
For the first time in ages, she saw her husband move. His arm reached out, and the sound of a fist hitting something came soon after.
“Over the years…” His voice was quiet but she could feel the heat flowing through his words. His eyes were a deep shade of red as he continued to talk. "You have been cheating on me for years ?”
Susanne nodded her head, knowing that there was a chance he could hit her next.
Silence followed after her confirmation. This time the man finally took action - but strangely enough he didn't hit her. He grabbed Suzanne and wrapped his arms around her as he pulled her into a tight hug. She had never seen this side of him before, it was completely unexpected as he buried his face into her shoulder.
“Don’t hug me, I don’t deserve it.” She whispered with tears in her eyes.
His grip tightened on her, his words were now barely audible due to how tight his hold was. “You're right. You don't deserve it. But I need this.”
“I’ll give you anything you need.” She whispered as she softly caressed his cheek. She had hurt him, and she had to make up for it.
John's voice was a mess, between the tears and the fact the man had just learned something completely shocking, he was a wreck. His body continued to tremble though his grip on her loosened a bit.
“Just don't do it again... you promised me that you'd be faithful. You broke that promise... you broke my trust…”
“Just hit me or yell at me…just please don’t cry.” She whispered as tears started to well in her own eyes. “Don't cry?” This was the first time she ever heard her husband's voice so broken, and not in a way that made him look angry. His voice was just so damn sad. His grip on her tightened again as he buried his face into the side of her neck.
“How... how am I not supposed to cry when what you just told me?”
“Take it out in other ways, I never wanted to see you like this.” She admitted in a whisper as she swallowed back tears. “How…” John just held her now, too distraught to say anything else. He was starting to calm down now, though it was obviously taking everything out of him. The man just continued to breathe slowly, slowly in and slowly out. “How what?” She asked in a small whisper.
“How... how am I supposed to stay calm like this? When you just told me you were unfaithful? How am I supposed to just not say a single goddamn thing and just swallow this?”
“Then don’t!” She said in shock. “What kind of woman am I if I can’t even handle my own husband's harsh words and hits? This is my mistake.”
John stayed silent as his grip on her tightened again. Just the thought of hitting her was killing him. How could he even do that to someone he loved? He let go of her, taking a step back as he sighed.
“Just…” There was still an intense look of sadness and shock on his face “Just... just tell me if you're still going to cheat on me.”
Susanne stayed silent, swallowing the lump in her throat. “You said you wouldn’t come to our bedroom…”
The man was shocked now, his expression still holding signs of disbelief and sadness as he spoke.
“Are you seriously trying to excuse cheating because you're not getting physical affection?”
Susanne took a deep breath. “Yes.” She finally said.
This was getting more and more surprising. John could understand her wanting affection, that wasn't anything new. But wanting affection as an excuse to cheat? The man's eyes widened as he continued to speak. “Are you really that immature? Don't you understand why I haven't been intimate with you?”
“Then be intimate with me.” She pleaded. “I don’t know why you never ask.”
“Do you have any idea how much I have wanted to?” His voice started to falter as he began to tear up again. “Do you realize how difficult it was for me to keep this promise? How hard I fought myself when all I wanted to do was just take you and…”
“Then you should have!” She denied back. “Nothing will change if you don’t open your mouth! And maybe then I wouldn’t have cheated.”
That's it. John's self-control was completely gone at this point. He had had it with the excuses. He couldn't hold it back anymore.” Are you so damn arrogant that you're seriously trying to place the blame for your cheating on me? That is bullshit!”
“I’m saying you should open your mouth when you want something.” She argued back with a heavy sigh.
“And I'm saying I've wanted to be intimate with you for so long now that I can't even remember but I didn't want to be selfish!” He continued to yell, his body began to tremble more as he spoke. “Don't you dare try and flip the blame on me? You were the one who decided to cheat, not once but four times. You are responsible for this, not me.”
“Then take me right now!” She yelled back as she gripped his shoulders. “For once don’t hide behind words as such like selfishness, take what you want from me!”
The man was taken aback for a few seconds but after he shook his head and finally broke his gaze from hers.
“No.”
That was a first for her, as she just stood there in utter shock, pulling her hands back. What the fuck?
“No, for once you're going to be considerate here. I have fought as hard as I could just to keep my promise to you and I refuse to break it and just take you as of right now!”
“But I want it too!” She yelled in reply.
John remained completely silent for a moment, staring straight ahead with a slight frown on his face.” You want it? Do you want this? You want me to be that selfish?”
“Oh my fucking god John,” Susanne said before she took his face in her hands, pressing her plump lips to his.
John's head instantly snapped forward as her lips made contact. He froze up, his eyes were shut tight as he finally felt her again after so long. “Just do what you want? Can’t you see that I want you to be dominant for once in your marriage?” She asked as she pulled back slightly, their bodies still pressed together. “I just want to hear you take the reins and feel like you care for once.”
Her words struck a chord within his heart. He knew that what she was saying didn't make sense on the surface but a part of him got what she was saying. “You want me to... take the reins, be dominant... show you that I care, is that it?”
“Deny me of something! Tell me I can’t say or act in a way, something!” She pleaded as she gripped his collar. “Don’t just suffer in silence and be a man!”
John's grip tightened as he looked back down at her. Her words struck another chord in him as he spoke, but there was an edge to his voice. “Is that what you want? Do you want me to just snap and lay some sort of rule on you? You feel that my politeness and considerate nature towards you is making me weak, is that the issue?”
“Yes!” She yelled as she fell to her knees in front of him, crying in desperation as she gripped his thighs. “Be selfish for once.”
Her desperate plea was almost enough to make John buckle. That was until she started to grab his thighs. A look of utter shock came over his face as his body tensed up. Then he snapped.
“No,” His voice was quiet now, not loud nor angry. Just simple, stern, and cold.
This seemed to catch Susanne’s attention, and her crying stopped. “No what?” She asked with a faint whisper. He raised an eyebrow and looked down on her, his voice was still cold as he spoke.
“I said no,” His expression tightened, she could just barely make out the anger and pent-up frustration boiling inside him. “As much as it would satisfy me, I will not force anything onto you.”
Suzanne sighed, burying her face against his thigh. “Thank you, John.” She whispered with a small smile. She didn’t feel very thankful for his words, but rather the fact that he was denying her of something.
“Thank me for what? For not satisfying your kink about being forced?” His voice was now laced with bitterness and frustration. “I'm supposed to be the only person that you're with, yet you went off and cheated multiple times!”
“I’m sorry.” She admitted as she was still kneeling against him. But she could have moaned out at the way he was treating her, he was right, she liked it. “I’ll do anything to mend your trust.” She added in a whisper.
“Do you expect me to believe that? After you've cheated on me on FOUR separate occasions?” John's voice was growing louder and louder with each word. Only now could Suzanne notice that his grip on her shoulder continued to tighten, she could feel him starting to lose control again.
“Please!” She begged as she looked up to him, still acting so submissive, almost like a nun. “Anything, I can’t live knowing I hurt you like this.” She whispered.
That was exactly what the man didn't want to hear. Her begging was exactly what was making him lose control and his grip was now painfully tight, tighter than it had ever been up to this point. “Is this what you want? To just have me punish you?”
Susanne nodded her head, sure that she would have bruises tomorrow from how hard he was gripping her, as he could never let go. There was a moment of silence as the man looked down on the submissive woman in front of him, one who was begging to be scolded. John remained silent as his mind processed this. Once he was done he finally spoke up. “You're so pathetic…”
“I am.” She admitted in a whisper as she pressed her head against him.
His grip suddenly loosened though, much to her surprise. Now he was stroking her hair as he continued to speak. “You're weak and pathetic, all you can do is break down and beg for my attention and affection.” Susanne nodded her head, tears in her eyes as she felt thankful for his words. “You’re right.” She admitted in a whisper. There was a long moment of silence as John continued to rub her head, it almost felt like the man was enjoying this more than she was. “But you're also selfish and dishonest. Do you at least know that?”
“I do.” She whispered, keeping her eyes closed. “But it feels better when you say it.”
John's voice continued to grow softer as he spoke from above her, as if he had grown a liking for degrading her. “I like this, I never knew I liked it when you cried like this. Are you truly going to let me use my rage to berate you? Are you really going to just take the emotional abuse to the face?”
“But what kind of wife am I if I don’t?” She asked then, tears still in her eyes. She seemed to have a more traditional view of their marriage. “If I can’t handle my own husband's abuse then what would be left of me? Nothing!” John was a bit taken aback by her words, not expecting the woman in front of him to be so submissive. However, this was exactly what he wanted. He couldn't help but grin at your words. “Good girl. Because a wife's job is to serve her husband, no? That includes taking abuse, yes?” His supple words mixed in with a touch and praise, showed how he had become god.
Susanne faintly nodded her head, still looking up from her original kneeling position. “Say it.” Her husband spoke, his voice had now grown so soft that she could barely hear it. Just two words and a nod weren't enough, the man was very intent on hearing her speak the truth.
“My job is to serve you.” She whispered as more tears welled in her eyes. The man nodded, he was genuinely surprised at how much this turned him on. “Good. Now tell me what do you think a good wife should never do?”
“Talk back, deny you…cheat.” She whispered back as she kept her eyes on him, her eyes still rimmed with tears. Her husband's eyes widened, seeing her on her knees, in a position where he could control her completely without ever needing to lift a finger on her. “I wish I had figured this out a lot sooner. I wish I had figured that if I had just been a bit more controlling you wouldn't have broken your promise.” He spoke softly, not yelling but his words carried an immense amount of weight behind them. “You should have.” She admitted in a whisper as he pressed her head against his chest, giving him closeness.
John's grip returned, holding you tight as he began to speak again, his voice was still soft but the stern tone had returned once again. “From this point onwards I will lay down the rules that need to be followed. You will not talk back to me, you will not argue with me and you will never deny me from anything. Is that clear?”
“Understood.” She whispered back, looking him in the eyes. But even if she talked back, her words would never reach his ears.
“Good girl.” There was a long moment of silence as he held her in his grips, but this ended when the man finally spoke again. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Yes.” She said without hesitation, keeping her gaze on him. “Have you ever thought of leaving me?” He spoke softly, his voice was barely audible, a question that could never have been asked but that he had to know the answer to. Susanne shook her head. “Never.”
John gave a breath of relief after hearing her answer. He held her tighter, refusing to let her go for now. “Good. Because I certainly thought of leaving you more than once.” Susanne’s eyes went wide, covering her mouth in slight shock. But in truth, she couldn’t really blame him. Shed lost him like before.
“Do you think I'm that oblivious?” He spoke softly, the man was still a little shocked by her boldness but this only excited him, even more, “Did you think I wouldn't notice that every time I was away from home you would go out with 'friends' and return home at odd hours? Did you truly think I wouldn't notice when I returned home and saw you were wearing lipstick or perfume? Because I can assure you, I noticed each time.” What the fuck was he talking about?
She appeared almost ashamed as she looked at the floor. “You should have said something back then.”
“Why? Would you have taken it well if I started questioning your behavior instead of trusting you? Would you have been okay with being accused of something like cheating? Would that make anything better? No, I just buried these thoughts deep inside and tried to ignore them.”
“I thought you didn’t care if I slept around,” Suzanne whispered. “, I made it obvious for a reason….I hoped you would notice and get mad, upset at me, yell at me.” She whispered as tears rimmed her eyes again. Susanne or Suzanne?
This truly caught him by surprise. He was truly in the dark about her wanting him to notice that she had cheated on him. Just like that? She did all of that just so she could get his attention? Just so she could make him angry? Her husband couldn't comprehend this. Husband or John?
“So, you did all of this, you slept with other men just to provoke me?”
Susanne softly nodded her head. “Just for once I wanted you to think about me more than those damn papers on your desk.” John's grip began to loosen slightly, but it quickly grew tight again as he spoke. “So, all this time you wanted to make me jealous? You wanted to force me to care about you more than my job? Is that why you did it? Is that why you kept cheating on me?”
“I thought you kept your mouth shut about the first one.” She whispered, a tear rolling down her cheek again. “But by the third one, I was just getting selfish.”
“So, everything you did was meant to make me care more about you? To make me want your attention more than my job?" He repeated his question, although this time it was with a raised voice as his grip got tighter. Was the woman seriously trying to change the subject here?!
“I didn’t.” She admitted in a pained whisper. “I’ll never sleep around again darling.” She whispered as she held his face in her smooth hands. Her words brought up a mixture of emotions in the man. He felt relieved to hear her promise but at the same time, his heart was still broken. He was still in pain that his wife could do this to him and he was still frustrated and angry at her, yet he still didn't want to see her sad. “Just... promise me that you would only sleep with me, please.”
“If only you would sleep with me.” She whispered before she buried her face in his chest and started to cry. John was caught off guard by her sudden emotion, he still hadn't realized how much her crying was affecting him. “Do you genuinely still trust me, do you really think I'd never touch you again?”
Susanne nodded her head as she cried, taking a deep breath to calm her sobbing. “I was losing hope.” Uh-oh.
John's grip loosened almost completely now as her crying continued to affect him. Despite how angry he had been with her moments ago, her emotion was pulling his heartstrings just like it had the day they first met. “Never forget that I love you... Never…”
“You don’t mean that!” Susanne yelled as she pushed away from him, turning her back to him as she wiped her tears. “I do mean that!” John spoke sternly, he sounded upset with her accusation. “Even now when your actions have hurt me greatly, I still love you. Is that not proof enough that I genuinely mean it when I say I always will?”
“How could you?!” She asked as she turned to him, her voice desperate as tears continued to stream down her cheeks. “How could you love a woman like me?” John's voice had grown much softer, there was no anger left in it. There was only pity and concern. “I have to ask, why do you think you're undeserving of my love? Do you think me, wanting to protect you from the truth about my suspicions means I care about you less? I couldn't bring myself to confront you about this, because I knew you'd react this way.”
“That’s why you didn’t say anything.” She whispered as she let herself fall onto one of the settees in John's office. “You loved me too much when you shouldn’t have.” John walked over, kneeling in front of the woman on the settee. His voice was still soft and almost sad-sounding as he spoke next. “What exactly did I do wrong? Was I wrong for trusting you? Was I wrong for trying to keep the peace and not wanting to upset you? Was I wrong to believe in a brighter future for us two?”
“Yes!” She said as she grabbed his face again. A bitch with mood swings. “Why did you do so much when I gave nothing in return? Why were you so hopeful?” Her sudden shouting had made John jump, he was startled to see her intense emotion. She seemed so confused at him being hopeful when she was the one cheating. He decided it was best to keep things as simple as possible in this situation.
“Is it bad for me to want things to work out for us two? Is it not my duty as your husband to make things better for us both?”
“Forget your duty as my husband ! It’s like you love me only because you feel you have to.” She whispered as she turned her attention away from him, covering her face in her hands. He couldn't believe what he was hearing from her, she didn't seem to understand it at all. “It's almost like you don't realize how much I love you…” John went silent for a long moment, “It's almost like you want me to stop loving you.”
“Maybe I do.” She whispered. “Maybe then I’ll stop feeling guilty and worthless…because a man cheating is not the same as a woman…how could I cheat on a man who loved me more than I could guess?” John's grip tightened again, this time he wasn't restraining himself, his fingers almost begging to dig into her flesh. “Are you serious right now?!” The man wasn't trying to hide the anger in his voice, it seemed to him that every word out of her mouth was designed to make him angry and upset. I have a mouth and I don't want to speak.
“I am! Because it feels so good to be honest with you!” She said as she finally looked back at John. He seemed a little perplexed by her confession, she was finally being honest about everything, not hiding her true feelings as she had done for so long. It was strange to think that this was the first time she finally opened up to him about all this. But she felt so content, more content than she had ever felt before. “Please, don't stop, be honest with me. Say all the things you've been avoiding saying this whole time.”
“I want you so bad but I feel as if I don’t deserve it!” She said out desperately, her words increasing in volume as she looked at John. “One second I feel as if you should press me up against the wall and have your way with me and the next I feel like I should slap you?! I’m a total mess and I hate that you seem to have it so simple, because the only thing you possess is love and it makes you so pure that I don’t want to ruin it with my messed up mind.”
John sat there as each of these bold and honest words from her seemed to leave your mouth. It was as if everything she had been keeping to herself all this time was finally being poured out of her. Her honesty and sincerity made John's heart skip a beat and the love he felt for her almost doubled.
“I believe you truly do deserve me... I believe you're not as messed up as you think. Tell me, what exactly makes you feel like you should slap me?”
“Because you’re stupid!” She said as she buried her face in her hands. “I tell you I cheated four times and all you do is tell me you’re upset?! Nothing else?! Nothing more?”
Her honesty and bluntness surprised the man, she felt it only fair to tell him about her cheating, but when he told her that he couldn't bring it in him to lash out at her for everything she had done, she called him stupid instead.
“Do you want me to shout at you? Do you want me to make you feel worse about what you've done? Because I don't want to and I can't bring myself to do that. You made your choices and I refuse to punish you for them. Is that really such a bad thing?”
“Yes, because love brings the most pain.” She admitted as she looked back towards him. “And yet you treated it so easily, as if your heart didn’t care for it.”
“That is where you are wrong.” She had hurt his heart but he couldn't show it, he was trying so hard to keep his anger inside of his fists and he was trying his hardest to hide his pain. And to think this entire time she felt as though she never really hurt him. “I have felt a sharp pain inside my heart for the past few months, a sharp and stabbing pain, but I chose to suffer in silence because I felt it was my responsibility as your husband.”
“Husband, husband, husband.” She whispered as she turned her attention away from him. “Are we even people anymore or our titles? It truly feels like you live only for your titles.”
This had caused John to pause in thought, her words had caused him to realize something he had never considered before. If this was true, then he was obsessed with his duties as a husband instead of having a genuine relationship with his wife.
“You know, maybe you are right,” He said after a short silence, “I have indeed tried to be the perfect husband instead of a person who can love you equally to how you love me.” Bitch are you blind? Susanne breathed a sigh of relief as he finally seemed to understand her viewpoint. “You loved me too much without telling me, it felt unnatural.”
John went silent after hearing that statement. He had truly given her so much of himself without thinking of himself in the process.
“You are right, I did give you too much of myself. I made the mistake of giving you everything I had, I let you walk all over me because I feared losing you. Perhaps the real person who needed more was me.”
Susanne sighed again, rubbing her hand over her face. “You need to be more selfish, do not love me just because you feel it could fix things, only harsh words and talking can fix a relationship.” Her words had hit home, John had almost been ignoring himself for her sake and he had almost been using love as the only way to get along with her. It was strange to think that his only option for fixing things was to be harsh and talk about the harsh realities.
“Am I allowed to be harsh to you now?”
“Did you feel you couldn’t?” She asked with a heavy sigh. “John, I would be glad if you even hit me, anything but this blind love that has made you weak.”
"You really want me to hit you?" John asked her, unable to believe what she had just told him. To think the woman had gotten so fed up with him being loving, that she wanted to get hurt by him instead. “If you love me unconditionally I won’t feel like it matters.” She said as she took his hand, pressing it to her cheek. “There isn’t a concept of pain without love, there isn’t an idea of love without pain.”
John was still in shock because he couldn't believe what she was saying. Her words had truly hit home, it was almost as if she were telling him that love can never exist without pain and that she was okay with that. “So, you'd rather be hit by the man you love than loved unconditionally?”
“There’s a balance.” She whispered. “But your love would have a whole new meaning if you even yelled for a change, because then I’d know you truly love me to hate me.” John was speechless, she wanted him to express his anger because that would prove how he felt. He had been keeping his anger inside this entire time yet for, some reason, she wanted him to show it. Was it because she believed that he wasn't showing her that he really cared about you because he hid that side of him?
A moment went by when the man said nothing, he went silent as he thought about his actions. “Tell me, will it only be yelling or would you be okay with slaps or punches?”
“I don’t want you to beat me like it’s a fight.” She said as she looked into his eyes. “But a slap from emotion means so much to me…once is all I need.” John seemed hesitant to agree to this request. He wasn't sure how far this would go or if he could even bring himself to hurt her in any way physically. But if this is what she wanted...then he only had himself to blame. “Are you sure you want this? I don't want to be the one to hurt you, but I feel as if you've been begging me to finally let you see how I feel about you.”
“Yes!” She said as she held his face in her hands, finally feeling like she was breaching a gap. “Tell me how you really feel and think, in your actions and words…I want us to be open with one another.” The man couldn't hold back his emotions anymore, her words had struck a nerve in him. He couldn't bear to see her beg for him to open up anymore, it was like she was begging for him to hurt her.
“I'm so furious with you!” He yelled angrily, letting the floodgates break, “You have cheated on me, and not even once did you consider the effect it would have on me, and you continue to beg only for yourself! How selfish can you be?! You're no better than a nun who goes to church to confess her sins and then goes to a whore house!”
“I know!” She screamed back, but almost from relief at his words, words he said from the heart. “I was so selfish and it feels so good to look you in the eye and tell it to your face. I did not consider you, because I only hoped it would improve the feelings I had for you.” John's rage was still there inside of him, he could see that all the pent-up anger over the past few years was finally being let free. This moment was painful to witness but it felt so necessary. “This marriage was built on a lie. You only stayed with me because it was convenient for you, you never even cared or loved me and now you admit it.”
“And I did.” She admitted, talking like she was stripping herself bare, her emotions and feelings.
“I married you because you’re rich and handsome…and that was enough for me at that point…but now there are emotions in the mix and it feels so wrong for me.”
The man's hands were twitching, the more she spoke the more he found himself restraining the urge to just shove her. She was admitting that all this time, she had only married him for the status and money, as if that was supposed to make things better. Perhaps he had loved her unconditionally, but she sure as hell hadn't loved him back. “So let's get one thing clear here, you never loved me, did you?”
“My vows were fake, taken not from love but need.” She said as she stared at him. “But over time it changed and now I cannot live with a relationship that we built on lies.”
There it was, the thing she had been building up to this entire time. She had been leading herself into making this final admission and now she had done it. The woman he loved was suddenly telling him that it was all a lie, that she never meant those vows at all. It almost broke any love he had felt earlier, this final blow seemed to cut deep, but the blood was blue.
“So this entire relationship was made on lies?”
“Because I love you too much to let you go!” She said as she gripped his shoulders again. “Because I would rather suffer every day of the week than go to sleep without you by my side…because I’m so stupid to love a man who I’ve hurt to the bone.” The man was speechless, this was the first time he genuinely could see how much pain she was going through. The tears in her eyes and the pain in her voice were genuine and he could sense it. “You love me that much?"
Susanne nodded her head, wiping the tears from her eyes again.
The anger inside of the man almost completely drained away, seeing how broken she had become. Her love had finally become truly genuine, to the point she would rather suffer than lose him.
“Oh god, please say nothing more…” John whispered as he let out his breath. His face was now buried in his hands, he was trying his best not to tear up.
Susanne stayed quiet as she stared at him, placing her hands in her lap.
After a short silence, she heard another sniffle from him. Her words had truly penetrated his heart and the realization of what she truly felt had only now set in. He was still trying his best not to cry. “You know,” He whispered as he tried to regain his composure. “Those slaps you have asked for...I don't feel like slapping a broken person.”
Susanne’s eyes welled with tears again, her hand rising to rest over her mouth. In her heart, she knew all he had said was true, but to hear it from him had a different way to affect her. She nodded her head as she understood. “…you can’t beat a dog that’s already down on its last leg.”
John gave her a weak smile before suddenly he pulled her towards him, hugging her tightly. His body trembled a little bit as he did, it felt as if the man had reached his breaking point. “Oh god, what have I done to you?” He mumbled as his words came out muffled from her chest, he couldn't help but feel like he was the one responsible for her suffering.
Susanne began to cry from her heart as she buried her face in her hands again. “We have destroyed one another in order to mold ourselves into better people.”
This statement had the man thinking deeply, she had put it so simply yet the words of it had struck deep in his heart. The two of them really had destroyed each other in an attempt to make themselves better. It was as if they both gave everything they had to make it work. But they didn't, because you can never give your all. “Can we rebuild what we once had then?”
Susanne shook her head, her grip growing tighter. “Never! I never want to go back with you. Right now I am more satisfied than ever in the history of knowing you, because I am bare and without secrets.”
A slight wave of relief washed over him, to know that she finally felt like she could be open and honest about everything had brought a tear to John's eye for the first time. Ever. He never cried for her.
“Does that mean it's okay for me to be open? To tell you how I feel without filter or restraint?” Susanne gripped his shoulders, shaking him as if that would fix it. “I’ve been telling you that the whole time! Be a human, not my husband!” She yelled as tears still streamed down her cheeks from desperation.
John looked at her with shocked eyes, he couldn't believe how she still managed to keep her strength while she was so torn inside. “Your honesty is as cruel as it is liberating.” He said as he brought his arms around her to pull her into his embrace. "I love it."
Susanne wiped her tears as she felt like a small babe swaddled in his arms. “All I have is honesty for you, there’s nothing else left of me.”
John felt her small frame fit snuggly in his arms, he didn't feel like he was holding his wife anymore, he felt like he was holding a delicate doll. Her honesty had caused her to become so fragile and innocent in his eyes. All he wanted to do was protect her from the world. “You have my heart.” He whispered, “Honesty is not all you have left.”
Susanne began to cry once more as his words touched her heart, gripping the fabric of his shirt in a way that would surely leave a mark. But that would have meant she had existed, and so it was delightful. “You can love me to your death, if you are so selfless.”
Her words made John feel like he had been stabbed in the heart...she was right. He was willing to love her with everything he had, he was loving her to his death. And it felt so right to feel that way for her. “I am.” He replied softly “And I do love you to my death, I am willing to make this marriage work to my last breath.”
“You’re so naïve!” Suzanne said as she pushed away from him again. “You think all you need is love to fix a relationship, but it needs every emotion! That is why I cry, that is why I scream, can’t you see I give you everything of my innards? I'm like your duty, you want to fix our marriage, have it limp while we still live rather than let a half-dead dog lie.”
John was completely taken aback, how could he never see this in her? She was right, her emotions weren't just filled with love but with anger, rage, jealousy, envy, and hatred... She had given everything to this relationship.
“I was too blinded to see the pain you were going through, I was too caught up in our fairytale and thinking you didn't need anything apart from unconditional love.” Fairytale? What? Does this man even have eyes?
“A human cannot live on love.” She whispered as she leaned against the back of the settee, her back turned to him as she was slumped without care. “A duck cannot live without water, a whale has a mind but it cannot speak for life hasn’t gifted it with vocal cords…” she whispered.
John's heart broke as he saw her sitting like that. Only if it wasn't broken already, but maybe it would only break into even smaller pieces. Her sad and lifeless words had pierced his soul and he felt as if he would cry once more. It was clear she was truly deranged from all this time of acting as if you were okay with everything.
“Your poetry still has the same effect on me.” He said as he sat down close beside her.
“It is purely philosophical facts.” She whispered as she glanced to him, her eyes still appearing so melodramatic. “Even my poetry could hold lies, which I would not pain you with. The lies are the worst.”
Her words made John feel as if he had never actually seen her for all these years. Her poetry was the essence of her and yet even that contained lies to conceal her true emotions. I hate how John thinks, but that's how I made him. “The lies in your poetry could never cause the pain your raw honesty does.” The man whispered.
“But my honesty comes from the heart.” She whispered. “I think I hurt you to see more relief in your happiness.” John took a deep breath as her words settled into him. She was right, her honesty came from the heart and she had chosen to express it even if it hurt him. She had caused him pain so that he could understand exactly how she felt. “In my happiness, I can only feel relief when you are happy too. But if I'm being selfish, I have to admit, I love it when you're being brutally honest with me." John added.
“I love brutality.” She whispered, a man and woman just staring and talking as they lay their humanity aside for something biological. “I would have loved to know you before this world affected us in our thinking…I would have loved to know the real you.”
John was speechless, her words had struck a deep and painful blow inside him. Her desire to know the real him...was he even the real him anymore? Or had the circumstances of life robbed him of his true self.
“As much as I would love to know the real you, Susanne, I feel as if I am the one responsible for taking it from you. You once told me you were an innocent angel, the world was too hard on your innocence.”
Susanne could only breathe as she looked at him. “From my first breath, I was human, and in doing so, a human…tainted and ugly.” Her tear streaks on her cheeks were notable even now. “I’ve never been innocent. I’ve sinned because I exist.” John's hand rose to slowly wipe away her tear streaks, but they would both know they had once been there. Her words felt like daggers that had pierced his heart. The thought of her feeling like a tainted and ugly being for being a human being was something completely new to him. She is the beauty in his life and she felt undeserving of that title.
“Can I ask, what are your sins?”
Susanne kept his hand on her cheek, holding it there as she looked to him. “Father, forgive me for I have sinned, I have lived and been human, I can do nothing but shrivel up…but that would be selfishness…I cannot see any way I could save myself anymore.” She whispered.
Her words pierced his heart as he felt like his arms were the only safety she had in this world. Her existence was a sin and she was truly hopeless and helpless. Her actions and intentions may been tainted by this world, but the one thing that truly made her innocent was her ability to be vulnerable even when she knew, as if she were at her weakest. “Don't be so harsh on yourself, only a person who has known pain could be vulnerable like this.”
“I am a critic of my own mind, and I do it for no benefit other than to live bitter within my own body.” She said, her eyes almost calmly unblinking as she looked at him. “I think I love pain.”
Her words made John want to wince, he had never come across somebody who loved pain before.
“Pain is what makes us grow, after all, so I can understand why pain may interest you so much. But I'm worried that you have started to crave it.” How ironic. Susanne said nothing, only shifting her position so she could lean her head on his shoulder. “I want to feel pain without suffering.”
John couldn't help but have a small chuckle at her statement, it was something most people could never fully relate to. The idea of feeling pain without suffering seemed so absurd and contradictory. “Is there a difference? Is there such a thing as painless pain?”
“I’ll find it.” She promised with a small smile, closing her eyes.
"You promise to find pain that doesn't cause suffering?" The man couldn't help but let out a sigh, “I don't believe that's possible...but if you ever think you've found it, do come and find me. I don't believe such a thing is possible though.”
“You’ll be the first one I’ll tell.” She said, a small smile still on her lips. “How about giving birth? Doting mothers always seem so happy after birthing a child…their faces smiling even after hours of endless labor.”
John smirked in amusement, she did have the most fascinating perspectives on everything. “I think even the women would disagree that it is painless. They are just hiding their suffering so that they can appear as a superwomen for their husbands. Even they would be suffering in silence."
“You’re bringing men into a woman's thing again.” She said with a smirk. “But childbirth…” she whispered as she fell into thought again on the topic. “I think it’s the closest to pain without suffering.”
John raised an eyebrow in surprise, she thought something as painful as childbirth might be a way of enjoying pain without suffering. “You really do think strange. Childbirth is the one thing most women are terrified of, you think that's the closest to pain without suffering?"
“That’s fear.” She reminded him. “I think the moment a woman gives birth is like a blank space in time. It exists, but it’s without boundaries. It seems almost saint-like.”
John's eyes went wide in surprise as her words sunk deep within him. When you think about it her description is quite beautiful and poetic. “It almost sounds like you envy it...the experience of childbirth.”
“I could never.” She admitted in a whisper. “I do not want children, so my childbirth would be pain with suffering. I could never enjoy the scream of a baby, unlike a real mother.” She must have been birthed without love then, maybe that is why she was such a way?
John was shocked once more at the way she saw children. She didn't want children of her own because she could never have the love for them the way real mothers could. It felt like she had written herself off from life, resigned, to the fact she never even bothered with her own self-worth. Sounds like capitalism.
“You always seem to make yourself the outcast. Don't you like feeling like you belong?”
I do not have roots, I'm a bastard child , were the words that went unsaid. “I love to differ.” She whispered with a blank expression. “Because it feels like I am indeed detached, not something human, because I have grown to resent being human. Maybe I was born with the soul of a moon?”
“You are anything but detached,” John said. And how would John know, that capitalist whore. He cheated with his document papers while she cheated in the sheets. One of those things is materialistic, the other emotional. “You feel everything like a human...that is why you are so afraid of people, your own emotions make you feel outcasted. Your emotions have made you hate who you are but you have not detached yourself from feeling them. You are still very much human and a lot more human than you give yourself credit for.”
Susanne could only look to him with a blank face, not even judgmental. This was her blank moment, her space. And of course, the words had to come from a man…and now she thought she was stupid for hating a man for being a man. “You make me human.”