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Icy Palace of Despair
Jesse frowned, considering her options. She and her friends had branching paths in front of them, if the others would just take one. “Okay, people. We’re going to have to divide and conquer here. One of us gets the clock, the rest get Radar and Vos. And Stella,” she declared. Petra and Jack glanced at each other, perhaps wanting to see if the other preferred a job.
“Come on, we don’t have much time here!” Lukas exclaimed, the glow of his torch illuminating the ivory flecks in the frozen ice of the palace.
“Indecisive much?” Jesse muttered. Louder, she added, “I’ll just go. You guys get the others.” She dug up a few blocks to help her navigate her way across the expanse, which hadn’t much logic besides ice, obsidian, and a “second-floor” type thing except there weren’t any stairs to it from the cavernous “first floor.” She slid across a few chunks of ice. I suppose that’s what happens when a crazy person builds stuff. Floating ice. Reaching the “second floor,” she clambered up the frigid blocks. The blocks she’d picked up helped, as well as the diamond pickaxe she’d crafted earlier. She hacked away at the last of the ice before the clock, and banged on the clock a few times. It clashed like a bell–and dropped to the floor. She scrambled down and was setting the time back to day as the others arrived.
“You did it!” Petra congratulated, high fiving Jesse.
“Of course I did it,” Jesse replied.
Petra rolled her eyes. “Yeah, that’s why I said you did it. But you don’t need to act like you never fail, Jesse.”
When was the last time I failed? Jesse wanted to snap at Petra, but everyone else was filing towards the exit and she didn’t really want to start a fight. Especially at a time when they should be celebrating. They’d won.
The two of them caught up to Jack and Stella. Lukas and Radar were at the door. “Vos wasn’t down there.” Jesse stated. Jack shook his head.
“You guys go on. We’ll catch up,” she told Lukas and Radar. They nodded and left.
“Well, this is disappointing,” a familiar scratchy voice rang through the palace.
“ Vos?” Jack exclaimed.
“The losers are supposed to lose, Jesse.”
“That’s–what losers tend to do,” she stammered, “so I don’t see why you need to point it out. Or why you need to quote the Ad–”
“Who would have thought, my rival using a loser’s logic,” Stella snorted, tossing her bleached hair.
“ Still not your rival, Stella!” Jesse hissed. “Vos, I’ve heard that…” a glowing red and black… person? … thing? Stood where Vos was a second ago. “...before.”
“Of course you have,” he replied, sounding like the snowman. Like the Admin. Jesse was reeling. Barely processing the conversation around her. The words that didn’t make sense, but did. “ Not the whole time.” Barely processing what she said. “You whacko!” “But why?” Jack, grieving, on his knees. Petra, ready to fight. Both of them, fearing it would be impossible. And Jesse, white with the knowledge that they’d been tricked, fooled, scammed. The Admin was saying something. She should probably pay attention to what it was; it could be important. Maybe it would give her the advantage she needed . . .
“Hmm. Technically, Jesse won. So she’s still my champion. But I think there are quite a few flaws that need to be worked out… we’ll get there in time.”
Something like a shock passed through Jesse, and she glimpsed bubble gum pink and sunset orange stripes as she tumbled through an in-between place–
“Oof!” she flopped onto her belly. She started, observing that a starry sky seemed to be beneath her. She fumbled to her feet, wanting to figure out what in the world the Admin had dropped her in to. As she did, she noticed that the gauntlet was no longer prismarine blue, but crimson and dark brown. And glowing, too. She shook her head in an effort to clear it. There would be time to puzzle over that later. Now that she took a more intentional survey of her surroundings, she grasped that the stars weren’t just beneath her, but all around. There was no breeze, but it was cool and damp like underground. Something about the whole place was… absent . Jesse wasn’t sure what it was–a feeling? The lack of sound? The abrupt change of surroundings? None of her friends?
She didn’t know what to do. Encompassed by stars, not a path–or even a block–to be seen, yet she stood without falling, all by herself. No clear villain she could beat up–and where was her sword anyway? As a matter of fact, where was her whole inventory?
She picked a direction and headed that way. She wasn’t sure how long she walked–long enough for her legs to ache and her stomach to rumble–but she reached a prismarine tunnel and gladly entered it. Anything for a break from the endless night.
The tunnel emptied into a spacious chamber. Item frames filled with nothing littered every available wallspace. Jesse frowned and trotted over to one part of the wall, curious to know if she could discover more about why there were item frames. As she stared into the frames, they wavered and showed her reflection. The gauntlet wasn’t the only one with a makeover: a gleaming red and walnut striped outfit replaced her usual denim overalls and scarlet shirt. Other frames wavered as well, turning into mirrors. Reflections.
CHAMPION, the hoarse breath murmured from the gauntlet. But there was more noise buzzing in her brain. Whispers roiling in the back of her mind, slithering through her conscious and subconscious, like a vine that wouldn’t let go or an out-of-tune jukebox. It was out of place, a shrill, grating static that needed to be removed.
Justify.
Justify.
Justify. It purred.
Win.
Win.
Win. It cackled.
As if a curtain had been pulled back, the mirrors revealed people she knew. Was it real, or an illusion? Olivia. Axel. Petra. Lukas. Radar. Jack.
They don’t need you.
You don’t need them.
Why would you?
And why would they?
They’re happy without someone to boss them around.
We’re resilient. It echoed.
We’re fighters. It howled.
We will never fail.
We will never lose.
Petra’s words rushed back to Jesse–” You don’t need to act like you never fail.” Jesse wondered why she was thinking about failing. What she needed to think about was how to escape!
The whispers returned. Jesse clenched her fists.
You’re better off without them.
The reflections of her friends… were they surrounding Jesse? Or was it this voice in her head, tricking her? She gulped in a shaky few breaths, realizing she’d forgotten about oxygen for the last couple minutes. But the whispers wouldn’t leave her alone.
We are the winners.
They are on their own.
They prefer it that way.
They want to make their own decisions.
They never wanted you.
But I do.
Justify.
Justify.
Justify.
Jesse knelt, covering her ears. It didn’t help. The whisper wasn’t like someone talking, but rather it was inside her.
Justify.
Justify.
Justify.
“Stop,” Jesse moaned. “ Stop!” she shouted, quavering, hands trembling.
You think you’re so much better.
And you are.
And you know it.
But they don’t appreciate that.
They don’t appreciate that you KNOW that.
But I do.
A constant chorus of “justify” weaved through the whispers, like a ghastly harmony. She wondered why. More than that, she wished it would stop already.
“Stop!” she screamed again.
Justify.
Justify.
Justify.
Jesse crawled, trying to leave through the prismarine tunnel. She rose and skittered back into the endless sky, but the whispers continued. She raced blindly until she stumbled onto more prismarine. But it was a path, not an enclosed tunnel. Prismarine blocks floated around, and a recording stated, “Welcome to Terminal Space.” She stumbled backwards, bewildered. She must be in “Terminal Space” but what was it?
The speaker had continued talking while she pondered. Now it was saying something… “The database for the computer and where we keep all our test experiments and creations!”
But why was she here? She edged across the path, following it until she entered a room. A familiar room.
The path brought her in a circle.
Where are you going?
Don’t go on that path.
Come back here.
This is where you become my champion.
Where you realize that this is who you are meant to be.
The mirrors showed images of the Admin now. Mostly him in his bizarre glowing clothing and yellow pupils, with a few showing the snowman and the Colossus.
This is where no one will find you.
This is where you can think in private.
Think about how much better it will be.
She squinted her eyes shut, not wanting to think. Maybe it would help the awful whispers dissipate.
They’ve already abandoned you.
Already betrayed you.
Already given up on you.
But I won’t.
You’re the champion.
Jesse couldn’t even try to sort out what was lies and what was true, or whether it was all lies or maybe it was all truth.
Maybe they did want to make their own decisions.
Maybe they were mad at her for constantly taking charge.
Maybe they had given up on her.
After all, she was the Admin’s “champion.” The Admin who considered the rest of them “losers” or “unworthy.”
Don’t they know that I don’t think that way of them? Jesse wondered.
Justify.
Justify.
Justify.
Jesse clutched her head, the pain overwhelming her. The whisper was pain. The whisper was devastation.
The whisper was all that existed.
All that ever would.
You don’t want them…
They don’t want you…
I know you…
I appreciate you…
They never did…
Never wanted to put up with you…
You’re my champion…
You’re a fighter…
So FIGHT.
An iron sword popped into existence by Jesse. She squeezed it, wondering if the “Terminal Space” had walls that she could slash at. Before she could try it, a shock like the one she’d experienced when the Admin first teleported her to the terminal zapped her and she stood in a somber room of stone.
“Jesse?” Petra called. Jesse glanced upwards, where Petra, Jack, Radar, and Lukas floated, the Admin in front of them.
Draw your sword.
Maybe it would make the terrible whisper go away. So she did. The Admin was ranting about her friends disappointing him but once he’d finished, he floated Jesse on to a platform. Petra stood at the opposite end, wearing an expression that would give “stoic apprehension” vibes from anyone else.
It made Petra look uncertain.
“... I suggest you pull out your sword and attack Petra,” the Admin was saying, despite Jesse having drawn her sword two minutes ago. “As for you, Petra, don’t think I don’t play fair.”
Another iron sword materialized in Petra’s hand. She blinked.
Jesse crouched. She wasn’t going to strike first. They circled each other. Petra wasn’t going to strike first. Neither of them wanted to fight. Not like this. Jesse was pretty sure the Admin wasn’t going to take “disarming the opponent” as a win. He desired a more gladiatorial style.
She didn’t notice the Admin scooting forth. She was utterly unprepared for the pain thundering in her ears FIGHT ATTACK DESTROY.
Petra pursed her lips. “Jesse, what are you doing?”
Does she mean “what am I going to do?” Jesse wondered. Either way, the whisper tugged at her and she needed it to go away. “I’m… so sorry, Petra,” she murmured.
Then she charged.
Petra deflected every blow Jesse sent her way, yet Jesse advanced upon her. She knew Petra was holding back. She didn’t want to fight like this, where they tried to stab and bruise each other. But Jesse needed the whisper to go away. So she thrust and slashed.
It was the one time she remembered wanting to fail at something.
Jesse had hesitated. Petra didn’t attack.
FIGHT.
Jesse lunged. Petra dodged the next few blows, but one landed. She flashed red. Guilt crashed onto Jesse. She had to end this.
Petra stepped back. She shook her head. At me, Jesse thought with shame.
Jesse raced up to Petra, showing her sword about to strike. Petra’s blade rose and they locked.
“What are you doing?” Petra muttered.
“We gotta attack him, Petra. Let’s get over there and if we both do it…”
Petra’s eyes widened.
“Please trust me.” Though I don’t deserve it.
Petra dipped her head the slightest bit.
Jesse backed away, poising her sword as if she would charge again. Instead, she jerked her head at the Admin. Hints of a smile played across Petra’s face, presumably at the idea of punching the Admin. The two of them darted across the platform and leapt at the Admin, prepared to strike him.
Their swords poofed.
Jesse couldn’t tell if the Admin was stunned, bored, or done with everything. She decided it was most likely the third one. Especially as he rose, robotically flying further up and ranting more about–well, it seemed like nonsense.
And then he… turned into Jesse’s mirror image. The gauntlet shot off her hand and onto his, returning to its original color. “You coming?” he asked. Stella, whom Jesse hadn’t even noticed, nodded. But as she was floated closer to the Admin, she whispered something about taking care of Lluna to Petra, who was closest to her.
Jesse had definitely missed some things.
And then the Admin was gone.
But so was the whisper.
They all collapsed to the floor. Jesse pushed herself up. “I’m sorry everyone. Petra, I’m really, really sorry–”
“Stop apologizing,” Petra ordered, embracing Jesse as if they were sisters. Jesse snorted an odd combination of laughter and tears but mostly relief.
Hundred
Jesse burst upwards. Dream, dream, dream. Good—it was all a….
She lay on unforgiving prismarine bricks. Stars encircled her. She never left the weird sky place.
“So that’s how you respond to the simulation?” Someone muttered. Jesse scrambled upwards and whirled towards the voice.
“Admin.”
“Yes?” he replied, his eyes flashing yellow as he approached. They were in the chamber with all the item frames, which were still full of nothing.
“What–why–?”
“Why all this?” he gestured to the area around them. Jesse nodded, her throat too constricted to speak. But if he’d tell her anything that might help her escape… she needed to know. “I wasn’t always so against people helping others, you know.” he wrapped an arm around her. She shrugged it off.
“Actually, I don’t know,” she replied frostily.
“I’m glad you didn’t know me then. Anyway, I tried to help my friends. You understand the inclination, I’m sure. They, they didn’t appreciate my help. They even resented me for it! They rejected me, my loyalty to them, and–and everything we’d ever done.” His voice rose to a crescendo but slowed. Became soft, sorrowful even. “We broke ties a long time ago.” He instantly reverted to his cheerful self. “And that’s my story!”
“That’s not a story. Those are just words. They don’t explain anything!” Jesse accused.
“If you say so. The point was that I’m here to find those who agree with my policies, so they won’t resent me because I care!”
She stared him square in the eye. “Do you? Care?”
“I just said so, didn’t I?” he thrust his hands into the air.
“It doesn’t seem like it, you maniac,” she mumbled.
“You can be terribly rude, Jesse.”
Jesse groaned. This guy thought he was helping? Caring? She desperately wanted to wallop some common sense–some sanity–into him. “What about the Terminal Space? What’s that?” she questioned, since he was so eager to answer her previous question.
“Oh, that? This place is part of the Terminal Space, I suppose. I always create my builds here to make sure they work, duplicate them, and teleport them out to where I want them when I want them! Sort of my base of operations, or a home away from home.”
Jesse frowned. “Where do you live? Seeing as no one’s ever seen you before.”
“Do you really think no one’s ever seen me before?”
“I only heard of you recently, and I’ve been to many places.”
“That’s because you’re always so single minded on whatever your goal is! Trust me, you are not the only group of people who have seen me in the last hundred years.”
“ How many years?”
“Hundred.”
“How old are you?”
“Rude.”
Jesse sighed. “Bring me back already. Bring everyone back home already!” she demanded.
The Admin floated a few blocks off the prismarine. “You do not get to tell me what to do.”
“I don’t want any of this, so just bring me back home–and the others! Petra, Jack, Lukas, Radar, and Nurm, if what I saw was real!”
“Real? Real? You want me to show you something real?”
“No, I want you to bring me home! You know that, because I told you so two seconds ago.”
“I’ll show you. I’ll show you it over and over again until you learn–they’ll always abandon you if you see the world even a little bit differently!”
Simulation #2
And Jesse tumbled, tumbled in the wind, her head jerking so hard she wondered if her brain had left her body, and she saw her town. The citizens roamed, some chatting, some rebuilding. She couldn’t hear. It was as if her ears were underwater and all that trickled to her was a faint burble of the day to day city life. She reached out a hand.
No one saw her.
Was it real?
Vague memories swirled in the back of her mind, but she couldn’t reach them.
“Can you hear me?” Too quiet. Louder. “Can you hear me?” A shout. “Anyone! I’m here. Right here! Why can’t you see me? I’m right in front of you!”
No one paid her any mind.
Was it the most real thing that ever happened to her?
A single word. She couldn’t recall it.
“You know me! Everyone knows me!” A townsperson glanced her way this time. “Yes, yes. You see me, don’t you? Don’t you?” she seized him by the shoulders and shook him. He shoved her away and regaled her with a disgusted look as he walked off. “Can’t any of you get me out of this?” she whispered.
“Out of what? You seem fine to me,” a lady passing by remarked.
“No one is hearing me, ma’am. No one even recognizes me.”
“I heard you, but why should I recognize you?”
Jesse stepped back, tearing her hands through her brunette locks. “Isn’t this Beacontown?”
“Yes.”
“I… this… this is fake. It’s all a lie, isn’t it? Isn’t it?” she shrieked.
The lady blinked. “I’m… sorry? If there’s anything I can do, tell me.”
“You could start by recognizing me. Or telling me if this is all a lie!”
“I don’t know what you mean. Who are you?”
“Jesse.”
“I don’t remember your name.”
Jesse crossed her arms and hunched over. She’d come to a realization: she couldn’t remember much about herself either. This was her town, Jesse was her name, and they should all know her. Yet an ocean of memories lay an inch beyond her. If she could wade in deep enough, she’d find them again. She strained to take one step forward. It felt like she was pushing into elastic, but she took another step. Her legs burned. She was walking through the air, like normal. It shouldn’t be hard. But . . .
The woman squinted at her strangely. “What are you doing?”
Wading.
Lurching.
Plunging, deeper, farther, into everything she should know but couldn’t quite recall.
The one word–”simulation.” That’s what mattered. That word. Simulation.
“It’s really not real,” she murmured.
Terminal Space
“ Gah!” Jesse grunted, finding herself on her hands and knees, the callous prismarine path underneath her. It didn’t actually happen, so it shouldn’t bother her.
Her hands trembled.
She forced herself up, and staggering, muttered the accusations, “You don’t care. Not about anything or anyone, except maybe yourself. What even was that? If you cared, you wouldn’t do that.”
“What would I do if I cared, then?” The Admin’s smoldering face landed a centimeter away from hers. She backed away.
“You would take other people into consideration.”
He set his chin on his fist. “And how would I do that?”
“I’m not an instruction manual, Admin. At this moment, all I know is that this isn’t it.”
“But I am… considerate. That’s what I’m doing.” His eyes brightened with his revelation. “See, people are so easy to lose. Forgotten, killed, left behind, drifting, arguing, the list goes on. This way, you won’t get lost.”
“Too late for that,” Jesse muttered.
“But isn’t this even a little bit fun, too? An interesting challenge?”
“Do you ever put yourself through what you put others through?”
“Why would I do that? I know how to beat them, and if I didn’t, I wouldn’t need to. There’s always teleportation.”
“Oh, get me out of here.”
She was quiet, but he replied, “As you wish.”
Simulation #3
Jesse had returned to the floating arena where she and Petra battled each other earlier, but it wasn’t Petra standing across from her this time. It was Radar. Like she would attack him–she’d practically adopted him since taking him on as an intern. And he’d never attack her, either. What the heck was the Admin thinking? That they would stare each other to death? There wasn’t even any whisper urging her to fight, taking over her mind.
Radar gazed at his reflection in the iron blade he held. “Are you going to attack?”
“Do you think I would?” Jesse murmured.
“I don’t know. You’ve spent forever with the Admin. Maybe it’s rubbed off on you. Maybe you’re going to join him.” He edged closer with each “maybe,” never looking up from the sword. “Maybe he has mind control. Maybe you don’t care. Maybe you never did. Maybe you’re nothing more than a pretender.” He was beside her now.
She extended a hand. “You don’t believe any of those things, Radar. I know you.”
“Maybe all you care about is yourself,” he whispered. And jabbed his sword through her stomach.
Look what he did to you. Do I need to continue making my point?
It’s the simulation.
It’s no simulation. Well, maybe it is a little, but I try to stay within the realm of possibility as much as possible. It’s not above your friends to hurt you when they think necessary.
It was mostly the simulation.
Only a little bit.
Get out of my head.
You know any of this is possible.
I know it’s all fake.
So stubborn.
She landed on one knee, this time in the arena with Jack. She groaned and simply walked towards the boundary, leaping off it and swinging down. As she strode, she found herself again in the Terminal Space. Again surrounded by item frames and reflections. Engulfed by the absence of anything. She curled into a ball, burying her face in her knees. As the memories and thoughts and events churned into a dizzying blur, she waited. She waited.
Time hurt her head. She didn’t know if it was a second or an hour, a minute or a day. Time bit at her like an itch she couldn’t scratch. She’d existed here for forever, maybe, and she didn’t want to remember.
Until she landed, though she didn’t know where she’d fallen from. Again, she was in the weird gray room that stank of decay and, she noticed, boasted a couple posters of zombie heads. Petra, Jack, Lukas, and Radar floated. The same as the first simulation thing, with everyone who’d gone to the palace of despair stuck in wherever this was. The Admin even hovered in front of them, accusing them of–well, it was hard to tell.
The one difference was the lack of the whisper.
“Jesse! It’s time for you to punish these traitors who tried to ruin my reformatory. Attack Petra, will you?” The Admin cracked two chunks of stone brick off the walls and squashed them together. He floated her and Petra onto his makeshift arena. Just like the first simulation, but without the Admin whispering in her ear. Unforgiving rocks beneath her, the Admin behind her, Petra in front of her, and the ceiling limiting her–besieged on all sides and not sure what to trust.
A sword popped into her hand, another into Petra’s. “This could be your chance to reform too, Petra! Just attack Jesse!”
Petra muttered something along the lines of “stupid glowface” in response to the Admin’s invitation. She automatically raised her sword in a defensive position, glowering at him and glancing at Jesse. Jesse and Petra circled each other. Jesse scrutinized the situation; well, she tried to. Heart pounding, legs trembling, color leached from the chamber around her that emanated the nauseating odor of decay… it was more real than all the simulations. They were somewhere between dream and reality, containing the five senses but not to the fullest. This wasn’t .
You’ve spent forever with the Admin.
Maybe all you care about is yourself.
Step by step, she edged closer. Entangled in a dismaying net of uncertainties, she wondered how far she would go.
Petra stood taller and strode so they stood three blocks apart. Her face was set. “Jesse, you–”
“Talking it out is for losers!” the Admin interjected.
“I don’t know,” Jesse murmured in response. She tiptoed back. The gauntlet gleamed a vivid usubeni red. An agonizing shock struck her core and shook her body. She cried aloud as the red lightning crawled over her body. Petra’s eyes widened.
They must have given up on her.
“I’m sorry.” She lunged at Petra, who rolled out of the way. She followed with a volley of swipes and slashes, burning on the inside. She fought wild, but not reckless. Fierce, but not sloppy. She was a force of another’s anger, a puppet soldier whose one purpose was to destroy, and if she’d fought like this, none of the other villains would have stood a chance against her. Petra deflected the blows and swerved out of the way. She took a defensive stance, and Jesse an offensive. Despite the high probability that Petra could squash Jesse if she tried—she wasn’t. She wasn’t.
Jesse slammed into her, Petra’s body flashing red. The sword spun out of her hands. She made no move to pick it up. Softly, softly, her mouth formed the words, “This isn’t– you.”
Jesse’s sword was raised, but she didn’t swing it. She glanced from the sword to Petra to the Admin, who hovered above with his fists clenched.
I can’t.
He knew it, she knew it, they all knew she never would. It didn’t need to be said.
The makeshift arena collapsed.
Jesse was back in the Terminal Zone, on the prismarine path. She sat on the edge of it, allowing her legs to dangle into the abyss below. She squeezed her eyes shut and the tears streamed down her cheeks and into the void, where no one could catch them.
“You know, I’ve felt the lightning too.”
“Huh?” Jesse looked behind her to see the Admin approaching. He stayed a few blocks away from her.
“That’s what it feels like to hurt someone who you cared about once.”
“If you’ve felt that, why would you inflict it on someone else?” Jesse challenged.
“I didn’t want to be the only one.”
“Congratulations, Admin. You’re not the only one anymore.”
“It really means that much to you, doesn’t it?”
“I’m not sure what you’re talking about exactly, but yes.”
“If you go back…”
Jesse slid all the way onto the path and scrambled up. The Admin flickered like a torch and became her mirror image.
“Then this is what I’ll do.” He finished his sentence.
“Why?”
He shrugged. “Everyone loves you and no one loves me. You saw this in the first simulation, and it was always an idea, in the very back of my mind. I just needed the simulation to realize it.”
“No…”
“You can go back now.” He whipped around and her brain was spinning and she was falling—back into the place where she and Petra fought. She landed on her hands and knees. She dry heaved onto the callous ground and rolled onto her back, where she dragged herself into a sitting position.
“Jesse?” Someone called. She faced a wall with a narrow corridor out, so she rotated around. There was everyone, hustling her way. Shame coursed through her body. Lukas offered her a hand up, which she gratefully accepted.
They were all there. All of them had seen that. It truly, undeniably happened and she could weep forever. Radar, Lukas, Jack, Lluna, Petra… they surrounded her. Through the lump in her throat, she managed to choke out, “I’m sorry. So sorry. So very, very sorry!” her voice broke on the final “sorry.”
Petra hugged her. “Group hug!” Radar shouted, and everyone joined in.
“You don’t need to apologize,” Jack chimed in.
Jesse wiped her eyes. “Thank you.”
“We’re here for you,” Petra said. The rest of them nodded along. Though there was still a surplus of obstacles to overcome–Jesse knew she was home.