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She dreamt of him almost every night. Some were so beautiful that she ached even in the midst of the dream, others caused her to wake to the sounds of her own screams.
They all left her hurting and so angry when reality forced itself back into her consciousness.
This dream had been all the more painful for its simplicity.
Hands. Hazy images of their fingers intertwined. She could still feel them. His hands.
She had awoken, her body shaking and cheeks wet.
She had loved Spencer’s hands, so big with long elegant fingers, but mostly because he had always been reaching for her, touching her. Intertwining his fingers with hers.
She felt starved for his touch now, having had such an abundance of it.
She glanced at her alarm clock and was not surprised that it was an hour before it was set to wake her. The extra time was welcomed however as it seemed to take her longer each day to ready herself for the outside world.
Trina stared at the ceiling and willed herself to get out of bed. She tried to visualize brushing her teeth, showering and getting dressed.
Everything felt so difficult, like tackling a new task without instructions.
How can life feel so hard , how could she go about her day with this boulder in her chest. She wanted to scream into the abyss , to beat the earth with her bare fists
but she couldn’t.
If she let herself lose control, there was no telling if she would find her way back.
“Maybe he’ll come back.”
Ah, yes, there it was. That stupid hopeful voice in the back of her brain.
“No!” She told herself again for the umpteenth time, she had already gone over in her head all the reasons it was unlikely.
He’d been drugged before he fell overboard.
It’d been too dark and foggy.
He’d probably been swept out to sea.
The search had started almost immediately.
They had found no body.
Still the tiny illogical part of her kept at it.
“There was no body to be found.” Said her stubborn heart.
It was so confusing and tiring grieving with hope trying to infiltrate her heart and mind. Making her doubt. Making it hard to let go.
She shower and dressed as slowly as an old woman, then made her way downstairs to the kitchen. Marshall had breakfast ready and she saw the hopeful look he gave her as she placed the empty water glass she kept on her nightstand in the sink.
Today ,like every day since she had last seen Spencer’s face, she had no appetite.
“I’ll take coffee.” She said placatingly.
He handed her a tumbler with a resigned look.
“I added a little protein powder to keep your strength up.”
The worried look on his face seem permanently etched there and for that she was sorry.
“Thank you,”she said, and added as an afterthought, “don’t worry. I’ll be ok.”
“Baby girl, I’m watching you waste away before my very eyes. All I can do is worry. Now I know I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again. It couldn’t hurt to talk to someone. A professional, someone to help you process this hurt so you can move forward.”
“Marshall , we’ll talk later…”
“We won’t,” he interjected, “ you’ve been ducking and dodging your parents , me , and your aunt Stella for long enough. Ava and Joss are worried sick and Nicholas said he invited you over to see Ace and you haven’t returned any of his messages.
“You’ve been talking about me behind my back!”
An unreasonable anger sparked in her chest and she wanted to lash out , but he had done nothing to deserve it and that would be one more thing for him to worry about.
“We love you Trina, we all love you.Any one of us would take this pain from you if we could . As it is , we can only share it.” He paused , looking thoughtful.
“I liked that young man , your Spencer. He was growing on me. He had the makings of a great man. I’m so sorry I won’t get to see the success he would’ve made of his life.”
“But you ,” he pointed at her , you are still here.” He said fiercely.
She started to interrupt but he continued hurriedly.
“The best thing you can do is to live a life he would rejoice in , a life big enough to hold all the love you wanted to give him. That’s how you honor him.”
She wanted to go . To run back to bed. To run out the door and down the street.
She wanted to be anywhere but here, in this moment.
Tears, like hot embers pricked the corners of her eyes.
It was too much. Too early. He’d caught her off guard. She hadn’t thought she would need the armor around her heart so early in the day.
She dug her nails into the palm of her free hand but the sting wasn’t painful enough to distract from her ache in her chest.
“I don’t want to let him go. I don’t want to forget.” Her voice came out strangled, thick with emotion.
“You won’t ever forget baby girl, it’s not possible and no one expects you to.”
She remained still, so close to shattering.
“What I want you to know is that you don’t have to punish yourself for being here.”
“He protected your life with his. Don’t let that be for nothing. All I’m asking today is that you do one thing. Eat something. Anything. As you are right now a light breeze will blow you over.”
Trina opened her mouth to protest and promptly shut it at the look he sent her. She couldn’t lie to him or herself. Her clothes were all loose , even the skinniest of her skinny jeans were now baggy. She had had to punch new holes in her belt to keep them up.
She had no energy and the coffee she depended on to keep her going only made her hands shake.
She was so tired.
“Ok.” She acquiesced.
“Ok. I’ll try”
His look of relief made guilt burrow painfully into her gut.
He nodded and she left before he could see her wet cheeks.
It was slow at the gallery and Ava was away for the day.
Trina completed paperwork and found other small task to keep her mind occupied but the intervention with Marshall kept coming to the forefront of her mind.
With some alarm she grudgingly admitted to herself that she had gone months in a fog of despair. Many weeks where she had only one meal a day and only did so because she had been on the verge of passing out.
On some days when she didn’t have to leave the house she had skipped eating altogether.
She resolved to do better and ordered a chicken salad from the PC Grill for lunch.
Her stomach almost rebelled at the first few bites and she had to take long shallow breaths before it settled enough for her to eat a bit more.
By the time she tossed the half empty container in the trash at the end of her break, she had to admit that she had a bit more energy.
But it was a slow day and she had too much time to think. The memories bombarded her .
She had spent so much time with Spencer here.
This was their special place. They shared their first kiss just there near her desk. She could see ten different spots where he had kissed her senseless. They decided on NYC for their first time together here. So many special moments.
And so when the small piece of her heart that was still hopeful whispered to her .
“He’s alive.”
She was completely defenseless.