Work Text:
How Are We Friends
By Sandyshar
When will you be done again?
All morning, Souta had been texting Nao, asking the same question over and over.
I don’t know . Can’t you live one day without seeing me?
Nao replied, a warmth filling him at the sight of the desperate messages.
It’s not about if I can…
Chuckling, Nao sent another text.
Souta, I will video call you later. Promise.
Sure that he would be getting messages from Souta all day, Nao stood in the terminal of the train station waiting. He quite enjoyed the idea of Souta being tormented by the thought of him alone with someone else. But even Nao had never thought that someone would be Nakamura Yuki.
It was an understatement to say starting a friendship with the guy who had confessed to your boyfriend, grant it before you were dating, was weird. But that weirdness gave Nao every right to be open and honest with Yuki. His frustrations and obsession over Souta, his doubts and fears about his social life, and his own personal trauma. It was natural to just say anything and everything to him. No fluff needed. And annoying him about Souta’s choice between them always made Nao feel better.
Souta took his time in sending his next text, the three dots tormenting Nao.
Don’t have too much fun without me.
Nao sighed. Half out of relief, half out of disappointment.
I won’t. Hang out with Takeo today so he can get off my back about keeping you to myself.
Souta sent a picture of him, Takeo and Keisuke somewhere outside with a soccer ball in hand.
Okay, miss you. Talk to you later.
“Idiot, it’s only been half a day,” Nao muttered under his breath, smiling.
Miss you too.
The train station was busy for a Saturday, with many early risers eager to get the days shopping done and over with. Yuki had insisted on taking the train, but Nao had opted for an earlier bus, so now he was waiting to meet him at the station entrance. He stood inside the terminal, off to one side, trying his best not to draw attention or be swept along with the crowd. It was a horrible feeling being there, though Nao would never have admitted it.
Yuki had begged Nao to go shopping with him for his siblings. The problem was the mall was in another district and Yuki insisted on meeting at the train station. It had been almost a year since he last stepped foot near a station, let alone inside one. He tried his best to persuade him to go somewhere closer, but Yuki wasn’t hearing it.
“This place has the best deals. It has to be there,” Yuki was adamant when they last talked on the phone.
“What does that have to do with me shopping with you?” Nao had replied earnestly.
Yuki had let out a long sigh, something that he tended to do only when talking with Nao. “We might be about the same age, but you know what it is like being a younger sibling. I’m sure your sister more than once bought you something you absolutely hated. You can at least help me pick a simple gift for mine.”
Yuki had been right about being a younger sibling, but that was about it. It wasn’t like Emi was a doting sister. Yuki was far closer with his family than Nao had ever been with his sister or father. Nao didn’t bother to say anything about that, though. Like Souta, Yuki had a tendency to be flabbergasted at the lack of connection he had with his family. There was no need to make it worse.
“And what if I purposely made you choose the most ridiculous gift I can find, knowing they will hate it?”
Yuki had groaned through the phone, causing Nao to chuckle. He eventually sighed in defeat.
“Doesn’t matter,” Yuki had said honestly. “They would like anything if they knew you picked it out.”
Like Souta’s younger brother and sister, Yuki’s younger siblings also seemed to adore Nao. He had no idea why kids liked him so much. They did remind him a lot of Souta when he was in one of his silly moods though, so he did his best to make them smile whenever he could.
The chime announcing the next train’s arrival rang throughout the station. Even though he was near the pay stations, far from the boarding platform and tracks, he could still hear the sound of the train pulling in over the low hum of the crowd.
Nao heard the screeching of the wheels and tightening of the brakes, the hum of it slowing to a stop; the wisp of the doors opening. He closed his eyes, counting to ten.
This isn’t the same. You can’t even see it.
But the sound of the train made his heart race, the pounding beat slowly blocking out all other noise. The world around him grew dark. And suddenly he was alone again, as he almost always had been. The rush of wind from the speeding train surrounded him, pulling every which way. He thought of Souta, willing his voice into his head. But it was overwhelmed by the sound of the train grinding to a halt.
Nao thought he had gotten better. He thought standing in the terminal would be fine. That being reminded of his dark thoughts from the past wouldn’t be so bad. But his chest was growing tight as he struggled to breath.
“Hey!!” Yuki’s voice seemed urgent as he roughly shook Nao’s shoulder. “You ok?”
His vision returning, Nao’s eyes focused on his shaking hands.
“Ah, yeah.” His voice was hoarse and uneven. He clenched his fists. His balance was slightly off. A bead of cold sweat was trickling down his face. “I just hate trains.”
“Hate is an understatement,” Yuki said bluntly. He quickly changed the subject, his fake smile unfazed. “Let’s just walk the five blocks. There is a store I want to hit on the way there.”
Nodding, Nao followed Yuki to the exit.
Next time I’ll wait outside , Nao thought as he regained control of his breathing.
The crowd outside the station seemed even thicker than within as hoards of people moved from one intersection to the next. The lights were long, leaving them standing for exuberant amounts of time. Nao was grateful when Yuki finally pulled him into a small convenience store. It was only one, maybe two blocks from the station, but dead quiet inside.
Yuki greeted the owner with his never changing smile.
At least Souta’s isn’t forced, Nao thought, still struggling to understand Yuki’s need to seem overly friendly.
The store was small and long overdue for a renovation. There was peeling paint on the walls, and cracked titles on the floor. The shelves were dusty in some places. All the while, people continued to swamp the sidewalk outside, bustling from one street to the next, not a single one seeming to even glance into the small store.
“You’d think we’d get more foot traffic given our location. But no one even notices we are here.”
Nao turned around to find a tomboyish girl, dressed in overalls and a baseball cap.
Smiling, she said, “You’re kind of cute, aren’t you.”
“He’s taken, Yumi,” Yuki called from a few aisles over.
“Taken? You don’t have any friends who…” she paused as her face lit up. “Wait, this is the one you lost out to on New Years?”
“Shut up, Yumi.”
“Oh, I can see why. You didn’t stand a chance,” she teased while leaning closer to Nao’s face.
Yuki popped around the corner and threw a bag of chips at her. “Enough.”
“She’s right,” Nao agreed, more than happy to join in.
“Don’t you start again.”
“Oh, he has confidence too. I love that.” Yumi seemed genuinely impressed.
“Yeah, that’s about the only thing he has confidence in.”
Nao smiled at this. It was true his relationship with Souta was one of the very few things he felt confident in. “It's the only thing that matters.”
“So,” she continued as though Nao wasn’t even there, “how come you are hanging out with him? I mean, when you told me about your thing with that guy and said things got weird this was not what I was picturing.”
“Forget her, I got what we came for,” Yuki said, taking Nao by the shoulder and pushing him out the door.
“Tell Auntie I say hi!” she cried after them.
They continued along the busy road.
“Was that your uncle’s store?” Nao asked.
“What? No. We’re not related. It’s just… we used to live around here, when it was quieter. It was a shop I frequented often with my mom. When she passed, I brought my siblings there. So, whenever I can, I come by to support them, you know. Not that it makes a difference with the way the city is changing.”
It was times like this that Nao was taken back. When Yuki was deep in thought, a part of him always slipped through the strangled mess that was his happy go lucky façade. At first, it seemed to be by mistake. But slowly, it had become a more frequent occurrence.
It was oddly familiar as Nao had done the same. Only he hid behind a scowl instead of a smile. And as Yuki began to share things about himself, Nao did the same.
“You tell everyone whenever you get rejected?” Nao teased.
Yuki rolled his eyes, but Nao knew he was embarrassed.
“She’s like family.”
Yuki reminisced about his childhood, pointing out the new developments he was seeing. Newer buildings, where there used to be a park, and how odd it was that so many people were living there now. There was a strange happiness in his eyes while he bitched and moaned about all the change.
Nao understood. Though his comparison was his family home, he knew how frustrating and depressing it was to see everything change about a place you love; and then not be able to even voice your opinion about it to anyone.
I should have him come over. Maybe talking about the good memories will help my house from feeling so empty. And it would give Yuki a break from his overcrowded home too.
The mall they entered was old, with very few brand name stores. They were there to find casual clothes for Yuki’s siblings and since he had grown up in the area, Yuki said he knew the best place for deals. Nao admired the fact that he was determined to get his siblings brand new clothing. It was common for families with two children or more to only buy second hand clothing, and only if hand-me-downs weren’t available. School uniforms tended to be the only new item anyone would have, and sometimes not even that.
“Don’t buy them anything,” Yuki warned Nao when he caught him looking at some toys meant for young kids.
“Why? I can afford it.” Nao loved taunting him about his siblings.
“They like you enough already,” he grunted.
Nao just smiled wider. “Not enough if they still like you more.”
Yuki walked away flustered while muttering, “How the hell does Souta put up with you?” and sending Nao into a laughing fit.
But it didn’t last long.
“Or, if you want we can trade,” Yuki said, a proud smirk across his face.
Nao slowly stopped laughing. “Trade what?”
“My siblings for Souta.”
Suddenly Nao was chasing Yuki through the mall. He cursed as they ran, Yuki always just out of reach. Eventually, they both grew tired and gave up the chase. They panted as they caught their breaths and looked around to see where they had ended up.
“Okay, Yuki smiled. “The, uh, store of the twins should be this way.”
He took a deep breath and slowly let it out. One more breath in and he was able to stand straight.
As Yuki turned away, Nao slapped the back of his head in an upward motion.
Yuki groaned, rubbing the spot that was hit. “That hurt, you know.”
“Well, don’t say stupid shit like that again,” Nao said in a huff.
Yuki let out a sigh. “I hope you're not this rough with Souta.”
Nao’s eyes intensified. “Only when he wants me to be.”
This time Yuki was the one yelling, his face red.
Their bickering continued into every store they visited. Once they had found everything they needed, Nao paid for lunch as an apology. They sat in the mall food court, Yuki twiddling his chopsticks between his fingers while he waited for Nao to finish.
“What is it?” Nao asked with the most abrasive tone he could muster.
“Nothing,” Yuki said glumly.
He was obviously lying. Whatever was bothering him was bad enough that he didn’t wear his signature smile. His face was neutral, with a tinge of worry in his eyes.
“Seriously, you’re worse than Souta sometimes. Just tell me whatever is bugging you.”
Yuki looked Nao over. “You’re going to get mad. I know it.”
“I’m already mad,” Nao assured him.
Yuki sat up straight and took a deep breath in. His face softened as his eyes turned serious. “What happened?”
The only other time Nao had seen Yuki’s face like that was when they both reamed Souta out for having gotten himself hurt.
“What do you mean?” Nao asked skeptically.
“Oh…” Yuki said, as if he just realized something major. His face slipped back into his normal smile and he started to pick at the leftovers on Nao’s take out plate.
There was this strange darkness that crept into Nao’s chest. He hated it. Like there was something he was hiding from himself and it made Yuki worried. What’s worse, Yuki wasn’t the first person to give him that look.
“Oh, what?” Nao demanded, grabbing Yuki’s chopsticks from him.
“It wasn’t today then,” Yuki said indifferently. He grabbed them back and took another bite.
The pit in his chest was growing. A familiar distressing feeling rose in him, like a secret no one would talk about. But this time was different. He didn’t want to ignore it like he used to. He wanted to rid himself of this feeling once and for all. He couldn’t take the patronizing. Not from Yuki, who was always so upfront with him. Nao wanted it gone. He needed it gone.
Nao kicked Yuki’s shin, hard.
“What the hell?!” Yuki yelled above the din of the people around them.
“Tell me what the hell is wrong?”
Yuki’s façade dropped completely as his voice rose. “You tell me what’s wrong! You looked like you had seen a ghost! I thought you were gonna fucking faint. You had all those people around you. You didn’t even notice them!”
“What are you talking about?”
Yuki looked genuinely concerned. Like Nao was injured in some way.
“At the station,” Yuki spoke softly. “What the hell happened there?”
Suddenly, he was back in the train station near his house. He stood just over the yellow line next to the track, like he had that day. Less than a step away from the drop to the exposed tracks. He could hear the train coming. The floor was shaking. It roared as it came closer.
“I’m full. We should get going.” Nao stood up, taking his tray to the nearest bin and proceeded to leave the mall.
A wave of nausea fell over Nao as he stumbled out the nearby doors. The nausea was instantly replaced with a light headedness as the cold air hit his pale face. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to throw up or lie down. All he knew was he needed to get away. Away from that building, away from the cars, away from everything. But every thought led him right back to the station platform, where less than a step forward he would be gone.
He had just finished puking up what must have been his entire meal when Yuki finally found him.
“Nao…”
“Shut it.”
Nao started to walk away. Yuki followed closely behind.
“Should I call Souta…”
“Don’t mention it to him,” Nao interrupted, his pace quickening.
“What?!” Yuki yelled, jogging beside him. “Why not? Does he not…”
Nao suddenly felt sick again. “I’ll talk to you, but don’t mention this to him. You know how he worries.”
Yuki frowned, but reluctantly nodded.
They found a quiet place in a nearby courtyard of several high-rises. Sitting on a bench, Nao breathed in a sigh of relief. Yuki wandered off and found warm drinks. He handed one to Nao with a sympathetic smile when he returned. Nao knew his smile was not fake.
“Thanks. You got everything you needed, right?” Nao asked.
“From the Mall?” Yuki asked, a little surprised. “Yeah. Did you?”
“I didn’t need anything.”
An odd silence fell between them.
“So…” Yuki awkwardly broke the silence. “I gotta say I have never seen you so out of it. Must be something pretty messed up.”
“No, it’s not,” Nao assured him. “That’s kind of the problem.”
“Well, it seems like a pretty big deal.”
“Listen, just…” Nao took a deep breath. He had never spoken to anyone about the mental and emotional state he had been in before his mother died. It was nerve racking, daunting and scary as hell. “I used to be really depressed.”
“Like emo?” Yuki asked, snickering.
Nao knew he was trying to lighten the tension and meant nothing by it. But it still stung a little when he laughed. “Just, really, REALLY deeply depressed.”
Yuki’s face turned serious again. “Okay. You want to talk about it?”
Nao's voice shook as he spoke. “I was barely attending school, not talking to anyone unless I needed to. I spent my time at home asleep or listening to songs my mom had introduced to me. When I did bother to show up at school, I kept busy by running errands for the teachers.”
Yuki smiled at him knowingly. “And by bugging Souta, of course,” he said cheerfully.
Nao felt the tips of his ears heat up. “Idiot, I’m trying to be serious.”
It seemed wrong to continue after bringing up Souta. Souta, who made him forget every sad and depressing feeling he ever had. Souta, who had given him a reason to want to live again.
Nao took a deep breath, releasing it slowly. “More than once I thought about killing myself.”
The air around them seemed to go still. Nao stared at Yuki’s face, waiting for something, anything. Shock, disbelief, anger, indifference; but Yuki showed nothing. He waited quietly for Nao to continue.
The pain in his chest moved up his throat and caused his eyes to water. Letting out a short sob, Nao covered his face with his hands. “Like I’ve ever had a reason to think that.”
Yuki already knew about Nao’s mom. The fact that they had both lost their mothers to illness was one of the first things they had bonded over. But this was different. Yuki reacted to losing his mom by working at a young age, helping raise his siblings and staying in touch with old family friends. Nao’s mother hadn’t even passed yet and he reacted by attacking his friends, pushing everyone away, and locking himself away with his dark thoughts.
“I never tried,” Nao was quick to make clear. “Never even hurt myself. But the closest I ever got was standing on the edge of the boarding platform at the station near my home.”
The silence continued.
“I have avoided anything to do with trains ever since.”
“I’m sorry,” was the first thing Yuki said, and it angered Nao.
“I don’t want unwarranted apologies…”
“No, I mean,” Yuki's voice was full of regret. “I just, I shouldn’t have insisted we meet at the station.”
“You didn’t know.”
“Actually…”
Nao knew that tone. Souta used it quite often when he regretted something he said or did, knowing full well why he shouldn’t.
“Souta was interrogating me about why I asked you to go this far and when I mentioned the train he told me not to even suggest it. When I asked him why he said he didn’t know, just that you never went near them. I thought a small exposure wouldn’t hurt.”
“I see,” the weight in Nao's chest increased.
“Did you ever tell anyone before?”
Nao shook his head.
“You really need to talk to someone about this, if it is still affecting you this much.” Yuki’s speech was slow, his tone kind and understanding.
“I’m talking to you, aren’t I?” Nao knew he was trying to avoid what Yuki was suggesting. Talking to him was hard enough.
“You should at least tell those who care about you. It’s easy to fall back into a dark place like that.”
Nao groaned. “I told you, I’m fine now.”
“Oh?” The look on Yuki’s face could only be described as angry. “So you can take a train no problem.”
“Yuki…” Nao’s face was buried in his hands, the tears slowly coming to a stop.
“And no one has ever noticed you avoiding stations before?”
“Seriously, can you just…”
“You expect me to believe Souta never noticed; that he never asked?!” Yuki yelled, surprising him a little.
He was right. Souta had asked. At the bus stop, when he was leaving by bus on the night of the summer festival. In such a gentle way too. He had asked without judgment.
And I said nothing, Nao thought bitterly. Yuki yells at me and I tell him no problem. But I can’t let Souta know about this.
“He’s stronger than you think.”
Nao looked up at Yuki, confused.
“He helped you through your mother’s death. He stuck it out regardless of what you said to him. He can handle this too.”
Nao was blinded by the tears that suddenly started pouring from his eyes.
“No. H-he’ll… the things we used to say to each other… I don’t need to put this on him.”
Yuki placed a hand on his shoulder. “But that’s what loved ones are for.”
“You don't understand! We were at each other’s throats back then. I don’t need him thinking he ever made it worse.”
Nao tried his best to hold in the unexplainable grief and fear he felt. Yuki’s hand ran large circles around his mid back. Somehow it seemed to slow Nao’s breathing.
“I can help, but I don’t think I'll ever get you onto a train. Souta on the other hand…”
“I don’t need to be able to take trains.”
Sighing, as if defeated, Yuki pulled out his phone. Nao finished wiping his eyes as his phone pinged. Pulling it out of his pocket, he saw that Souta had texted him.
WHAT DID HE DO?
Coming back to his senses, Nao struggled to understand.
Yuki?
YES, YUKI~!
What are you talking about…
A few seconds passed as he waited for Souta’s reply.
Nao couldn’t breath out for fear he’d explode. On his phone was a picture sent by Souta, a picture from today. A picture of him crying.
Yuki was already sprinting away.
“You fucking asshole!” Nao raced after him in a fit of rage.
“I’m just trying to help, man,” Yuki laughed as he somehow always seemed two steps ahead of Nao.
“Help my ass!”
Nao managed to grip the back of his shirt just before losing him in the crowded sidewalk.
Nao pulled Yuki’s face so it was only a few inches from his. “The last thing I need is to give him one more reason to dump my ass!”
This seemed to utterly shock Yuki. “Dude, he…”
Nao was back in tears. Shaking, he gripped Yuki’s shirt more for stability than out of rage. He couldn’t think. It felt like the world was crashing down around him. Just like before; like when his mom passed. But this time, Souta wasn’t there to pull him out. This time it was Souta he might lose.
No one would put up with me when I was depressed. But if Souta thinks I’m suicidal; no, even if he knows I ever was… I might be too much. Anyone would walk away from a mess like that.
“Breathe.” The word was calm and deep as Yuki spoke. “That’s right. One breath at a time.”
Nao felt his heart rate dropping. He wasn’t sure how long they stood there. When his senses fully returned, he was exhausted and confused.
“Shit, I’m sorry, Nao,” Yuki said, like he’d destroyed something precious. “I didn’t think that would send you into a panic attack.”
Tears continued to streak Nao’s face. His shirt sleeve was thoroughly wet by this point. But it didn’t matter. He didn’t know if he could move from that spot. All his energy had been sapped.
“Can we just rest here for a bit?” Nao’s voice seemed hollow.
“Sure. Souta’s on his way, too. He shouldn’t be too long.”
Nao looked up to see Yuki’s plastered smile once again. There was no way he would forgive Yuki for putting him through this, for dragging Souta into his healing. But that didn’t matter. He was grateful he had a friend like Yuki, who pushed him to get better rather than avoid the pain.
Nao leaned against a nearby wall and slid to the ground. He pointed a finger at Yuki’s face. “Don’t go telling your entire family about this.”
“What? Yumi?” Yuki asked as he sat down beside him. “Ah, she’s harmless.”
Yuki's voice seemed to echo around him and Nao’s eyes grew heavy. The sudden urge to sleep and rest his emotionally battered brain washed over him. The last thing he remembered hearing was Yuki's voice.
X
It had taken Souta a lot longer to get there than he would have liked. The trains were a mess because of an emergency or something, making the buses even worse. By the time he arrived, it had been almost 2 hours since Yuki’s call.
He had a hard time finding where they were. When he did he found Nao asleep, his eyes somewhat puffy as his head lolled to one side. He was leaning on Yuki's shoulder, who was zoned out playing a game on his phone. Souta could only be thankful that it was a warm spring day.
Approaching as quietly as he could, Souta knelt down and urgently whispered, “What did you do?”
Yuki jumped.“Jesus. Give a guy some warning. And I did nothing.”
“ Nothing wouldn't leave him looking like that!”
Yuki groaned. Regret and guilt lined his face. “He might have had a panic attack or two…”
“A panic… or two!” Souts mind raced with the possibilities. I knew I had a bad feeling. Why didn't I insist more? Why did he have to come out this far?
“This was about the fucking train, wasn't it?” Souta felt an anger rise inside that he had never felt before. Protective and defensive, he wanted nothing more than to smack Yuki upside the head until he learned to listen.
“I didn't think anything like this would happen,” Yuki admitted.
“I told you to drop iit.Souta scorned.
“This isn’t healthy, Souta. You know that. He'll never get past it if he doesn't face it,” Yuki paused as if debating whether to continue. “This is about more than just trains.”
I know that. Souta ran his fingers along Nao's fringe, tucking the hair behind his ear. His thoughts shook him to the core.That's why I am afraid.
“Did he tell you why?” Souta asked sadly.
But he already knew the answer. There was something between Nao and Yuki that they didn't have. A trust that was different from the one he shared with Nao. Souta himself spent much of his time hiding the parts of himself he hated from Nao, worried they would change things between them. Still, it was even harder to get past the idea there were things Nao hid from him. Even sharing something with Yuki that he didn't know was enough to upset Souta. He knew he shouldn't be, and that made it all the worse.
Yuki put his hand on Souta’s shoulder as if to bring him back to the present. “He just needs someone to listen. There's nothing you can fix.”
“Yeah. I guess I shouldn't have tried so hard to avoid it. We used to be so cruel to each other. Part of me has always wondered if I ever made things harder for him.”
Yuki covered his face with his hand and moaned. “God, you two are hopeless.”
“What?” Souta could tell if Yuki was shaking from anger or laughter.
“He said the exact same thing," Yuki said, smiling his signature smile. You know what… Let's just go. My ass is asleep.”
Yuki looked over at Nao and poked his cheek.
Faker, Souta thought as he caught the light smile across Nao's face.
“Yuki?” Souta asked softly.
Yuki sighed, frustration lining his voice. “What now?”
“Thanks for having the courage to ask what I couldn't.”
He hoped his sincerity was clear. Yuki was taken back, which made Souta even happier. Somehow they had become so close, Nao escaping his forever scowl, Yuki removing his smiling mask, and neither of them really knew why. It was probably better that way.
Yuki regained himself fairly quickly and smirked like he always did. “What good would I be as a friend if I didn't push boundaries?”
“Well, just remember some boundaries aren’t meant to be pushed,” Souta reminded him.
“Like the one between you and me?”
Suddenly Nao was wide awake, shoving Yuki's face into the ground.
“You knew I wasn't asleep.”
Yuki tried to push him off. “Come on, like you weren't interested in hearing his answer.”
Sighing, Souta relaxed a little. Nao's face was still red under the eyes and paler than normal. But he was smiling, just slightly making him grateful that Yuki had been there when he couldn't be. The two's bickering was dragging on though and kneeling on the hard ground was not fun at all.
“Nao?”
Taking advantage of Nao’s momentary confusion, Souta pulled him into a kiss. “Let's get you home.”
“Urgh, please, I’m still here.” Yuki groaned, pushing Nao off him completely so he could stand. “Let's go.”
“Buses are that way,” Souta said smiling.
“What, but that's…” Yuki looked tired, annoyed and done. He dipped his head and sighed. “Fine.”
“You don't need to take the bus too,” Nao interjected.
“Oh no, I do,” Yuki said as he walked ahead of them. “Or your boyfriend might never let you come out with me again.”
“Damn straight I wouldn't.” Souta laughed.
As they made their way to the bus stop, Souta was lost in his thoughts. He wasn't sure if he could help Nao, but he was determined to try. And maybe with Yuki's help they could find a way to health Nao’s past. For now, he could at least hold his hand knowing Nao did not want to let go.