Chapter Text
James hoists himself onto the counter in he and Regulus’ shared flat, smiling at Regulus who is cooking something at the stove. James isn’t sure what it is, but it smells fucking great and he’s suddenly even more grateful that Regulus is his best friend than he already was.
“What’s that?” James asks, craning his neck to look over Regulus’ shoulder. He reaches out one hand, trying to dip his finger in the pot, but Regulus slaps his hand away quickly without another thought. “ Ow ,” he whines, scowling at the side of Regulus’ head. “You fucking suck, I just want to taste it –”
“Don’t you have somewhere to be?” Regulus asks flatly, flicking James’ knee with his free hand. “You can have some when I’m done. But not a lot. I have a date and I’m bringing this on the date,” he tells James, who blinks rapidly in shock at the sound of the I have a date statement.
Because Regulus hasn’t mentioned anything about going on a date . James frowns, his eyebrows furrowing. Regulus tells James everything . His stomach churns uncomfortably as he takes a deep breath, pushing the stomach bile that threatens to crawl its way up his throat right back where it came from.
“I didn’t know you had a date today,” James says, pursing his lips as the jealousy burns in his chest. “And yes I have somewhere to be. Remus and I are going to the mall to shop for some makeup for Sirius, and I wanted to pick up this palette that I’d been eyeing for a while. It has so much glitter, Reg, it’s so pretty,” he explains, his hands flailing excitedly.
James watches Regulus’ lips quirk up into a smile before glancing at James, and his stomach flips at the sight. “Is it the Huda Beauty one? I knew you’d chatted with Dorcas about it. She has that one, right? It is very pretty,” he agrees, and James makes a pleased noise in the back of his throat at the sound of Regulus’ words.
Regulus really listens to James. Like, genuinely listens to James. It makes James feel a bit, well, warm inside. While James’ friends listen to him and know the things he likes and they make an effort to understand them, he doesn’t think he’s ever had a friend remember exactly what palettes he had his eye on. It makes him feel so special .
“Aw, Reggie,” James giggles a little bit, kicking his feet back and forth so his heels hit the cabinet. “You love me. You remembered which palette I wanted, you love me,” James says, dragging the word love out as much as possible until Regulus turns his head toward James with his eyes narrowed into slits.
“You know what else I love, James?” Regulus asks.
James hums. “What’s that, Regulus?”
Regulus turns his body toward James with a tight smile. “When you are quiet ,” he says, and James giggles even more at that. Regulus’ face doesn’t stay flat for long, though, because as James’ giggles increase his smile gets wider until he’s breaking out into a fit of laughter himself. “ God , you’re so annoying.”
“And you’re so cute when you’re trying to brood,” James hums, placing both hands on the counter and leaning forward a bit. “Now, can I taste what you made so I can leave you to go out with your stupid date? Who even is this guy? You didn’t tell me you were going on a date! I’m your best friend! You’re supposed to tell me everything!”
Regulus snorts at that, dipping into the soup he’s making with a new spoon and putting his hand underneath it so he could bring it up to James’ mouth. James opens his mouth, allowing Regulus to put the spoon in his mouth, and he hums around it, shutting his eyes. “It’s a new thing, James. I didn’t purposely keep this from you, I promise. He’s in my astronomy class and he asked me to come over for dinner. He’s making this cornbread casserole thing and I told him I’d make a soup –“
“Is this a new recipe?” James asks, licking his lips after Regulus pulls the spoon away. “I like this, what is it? It’s yummy,” he adds.
The stove clicks as Regulus turns it off and turns to James with a small smile. “Potato and leek. It also has a lot of cheeses and rosemary and thyme and some other stuff. You know, the usual,” he explains, and James snorts.
“The usual,” he mumbles under his breath, shaking his head. “I like it. I like cheese too.”
“You’re lactose intolerant,” Regulus points out, turning back to the stove and placing the spoon down. “I’m gonna put the soup in a container, but I’ll leave some out for you to have for dinner when you’re back. Text me when you’re with Remus, yeah?” Regulus tells James, who smiles and hops off the counter, then leans in to press a kiss to Regulus’ cheek.
“Kay,” James says quickly, walking out of the kitchen.
-
“He’s seeing some guy , Remus,” James sighs, his head hitting the headrest of the passenger seat in Remus’ car. “Like, he didn’t even tell me that he was talking to someone! I mean, we’re best friends! Don’t best friends tell each other things like this?” He asks, crossing his arms over his chest and looking out of the window, watching the trees outside.
A frown tugs at his lips and he feels it turning into a pout at the sound of Remus chuckling from the driver's seat.
“Don’t laugh at me,” James whines petulantly, “This is serious , Moony!”
“He doesn’t have to tell you who he’s going out with or if he’s going out with someone, James,” Remus says, his voice sounding amused. James turns his head toward Remus, frowning even deeper , if that was even possible.
Because of course he has to tell James who he’s going out with. They’re best friends and fucking roommates! If James is going to have to share his living room with this person some nights, he might as well know what the guy’s bloody name is. A part of James felt, well, betrayed. Even if that’s not what happened. He just felt like Regulus should trust him enough to tell him these things, and it makes him feel weird that Regulus doesn’t trust him. Remus doesn’t seem to be taking him seriously, though, and James wants to throw him out of his own car.
“But he’s my best friend ,” James groans, pushing his glasses up. “ You told me when you and Sirius started going out, Marlene told me when her and Mary started going out, Dorcas told me when her Lily and Pandora started going out, even fucking Barty told me when him and Peter and Evan started talking! I just – why wouldn’t he tell me that he’s seeing someone? Did I do something that made him not want to talk to me? Did I say something wrong? Or –“
“All of these people are your friends who are going out with your other friends,” Remus cuts in, his voice flat. “So of course we’d tell you that, because what if one day you walked in on me and Sirius shagging? I don’t think that’d be favorable for you,” he points out, and James shudders.
“That’s fucking gross, don’t make me think of that.”
Remus snorts, resting his right hand on the wheel and reaching his left out to pat James on the knee lightly. “James,” he starts, bringing his hand up to rest on the gear shift. “What I’m saying is, Regulus doesn’t have to tell you about who he’s dating, especially if it’s somebody who none of us know. He probably wasn’t ready to say anything to you yet. I’m sure it was nothing personal, you know?”
James swallows around the lump in his throat, then bites the inside of his cheek. “But if it isn’t personal, then why do I feel like this?” He asks, bringing his hand up and scrubbing it over his face. “I don’t like it. I’m happy for him, yeah , but why do I feel so sick?” He asks, feeling the lump grow as his eyes start to water. “I don’t – I don’t know. This is stupid, forget it –”
“You know, I won’t forget it, actually,” Remus hums, turning. “I could forget it, I probably should because you asked me to, but I won’t because I do not care about your thoughts regarding this matter. I have been trying to get you to pull your head out of your ass for years now, James, oh my god –”
“ What are you talking about?” James asks, exasperated and confused. His eyebrows knit together as he looks toward Remus, face twisted up in pure bewilderment.
Remus sighs heavily, pulling into the parking lot of the mall and backing into a space, all while James sputters out questions frantically because what the fuck ?
“Remus! What are you talking about?” James asks, his voice high pitched and very concerned. “Remus. Remus – ”
“Would you shut up! ” Remus snaps, turning toward James after putting the car in park. “Good god , James. You’d think I just told you that I’m taking you somewhere to murder you or some shit. Jesus Christ,” Remus mutters.
“You might as well have,” James huffs out, unbuckling his seatbelt and turning toward Remus with an unimpressed look. “Now tell me what you meant by me getting my head out of my ass. I’m curious,” he tells Remus, crossing his arms over his chest with a sigh, trying his best to relax his body.
Remus blinks at him. “You’re curious?” He asks, raising one eyebrow. “You’re curious? James, I have been trying to tell you this for years now –”
“I don’t even know what you’re talking about,” James whines dramatically. “Remus –”
“We’ve all been trying to get you to ask Regulus out for years , James! Years! I know how much you like him, and –”
“ What? ” James asks, his voice cracking in pitch. “What the hell are you on about, Remus? I don’t have feelings for Regulus. I don’t like him that way. I never have and I never will,” he states, albeit weakly.
James feels his heart squeezing in his chest, nausea rising in his throat at the statement. It doesn’t make any fucking sense to him, really. He’s been living with Regulus for three years now, and they’ve been best friends for even longer. Surely he would’ve fucking realized something by now if he had feelings for Regulus. They spend every waking hour together, for god’s sake. Every waking hour . If he liked Regulus, he would have known by now, and he doesn’t like Regulus. Not like that, anyway. Even if he did, he wouldn’t do anything about it. Not now. Not after they’ve been living together for so long. Not after they’ve been friends for so long. It wouldn’t be fair to Regulus in James’ mind.
“James,” Remus starts, fully turning toward James with wide eyes. “James, I know you’re not serious,” he says, his voice airy and shocked. “James –”
“Well fucking obviously I’m not Sirius,” James scoffs. “That’s your boyfriend. Come on, Moony –“
“James,” Remus breathes, blinking erratically. “I need you to look me in the eyes right now , and tell me that you don’t have feelings for Regulus at all . If he were to bring his date home and say that he is now in a relationship with this person, you would not give a fuck because he is just your friend and your friend’s relationship does not have anything to do with you or your life or your mental health. Look at me in the eyes right now and tell me that you would not give a single fuck.”
James takes a deep breath, lifting his gaze to meet Remus’ own. It’s uncomfortable. Eye contact isn’t something that he’s ever been fond of, and he doesn’t do it often. When he does, it just feels awkward . He feels like it’s too much and apparently too much eye contact makes people uncomfortable which makes no sense to him, because not making eye contact is rude according to some people. He does it anyway, though. He straightens his shoulders and purses his lips, then clears his throat.
“Regulus’ relationships don’t have any effect on me because he is just my friend and nothing else,” James tells Remus, looking between his two eyes. “I don’t have feelings for Regulus and I don’t care about who he dates, as long as he doesn’t date my ex boyfriend,” he states seriously, his jaw clenching.
Remus narrows his eyes, his nostrils flaring as he exhales loudly. A displeased noise comes from his throat before he unbuckles his seatbelt and takes his keys out of the ignition. “Whatever you say, James,” he sighs, opening the car door. “Let’s go. I have to go to the rheumatologist around 3 ish. Do you want to come with me after this?”
James swallows thickly. “Yeah,” he mumbles, getting out of the car with Remus. “Yeah, I’ll go with you,” he agrees, taking in Remus’ words as they walk toward the mall.
-
Remus drops James home around 9. They went out to eat after Remus’ appointment, since Sirius was spending the night at Dorcas’ house and neither Remus nor James had plans for dinner.
Remus’ words from earlier bounce around in James’ mind, and he sort of feels like he’s going insane. He doesn’t like Regulus like that. He doesn’t. There’s no fucking way . Regulus is his best fucking friend and James wouldn’t want to jeopardize that by adding feelings into the mix.
James toes his shoes off and puts them on the shoe rack before slipping off his coat and hanging it up on the coat rack.
He sees Regulus’ shoes on the floor, along with an unfamiliar pair right next to them. James feels his chest twisting uncomfortably, his eyebrows furrowing. He brings his hand up to rub at his chest, trying to rub away the pressure that settles.
Regulus has never brought a guy home before. At least not in the time that they’ve been living together. James feels a scowl settling on his face at the realization that Regulus didn’t say anything about bringing this person home. He felt disrespected, in a way. Not because of the random man in his home, but because Regulus didn’t tell him that he was going to be bringing someone home.
For some reason, it makes him feel sick. His stomach feels queasy all of a sudden and the nausea rises to his throat quicker than he wants to admit. It’s an ugly feeling, one that claws at his chest and his throat and makes his skin feel hot and prickly. It’s fucking awful, actually, and it causes tears to prickle at James’ eyes.
He doesn’t say anything, though. He doesn’t call out for Regulus or knock on his door. Instead, he walks into the kitchen and opens the medicine cabinet, trying to find his pill container and spacer for his fluticasone so that he could start getting ready for bed.
“My fucking god,” James mutters under his breath, frustration building in his body as he digs through the cabinet, rummaging through different bottles and old inhalers. “What the fuck ,” he whines quietly, clenching his teeth even tighter as he feels the tears pooling up.
He doesn’t want to call Regulus and bother him, he doesn’t. But he truly believes he might’ve left his medication in Regulus’ room this morning or the night before. His hands are shaking and he feels like he can’t breathe all of a sudden, so he lowers himself down slowly, trying to get down onto the floor as the panic rises.
James takes a deep breath. “Reg,” he calls out as loudly as he can, his voice shaking and breathing shallow. “Regulus? Please come here,” he calls out again, feeling his breathing picking up speed. “Reg –“
“James? Are you alright? I’m coming, hold on.”
James hears Regulus down the hall and he clenches his fists, fingernails in his palms as his chest tightens and he chokes out a soft sob, his head hanging as he brings his knees to his chest. He can’t fucking feel anything all of a sudden, his entire body going numb, fingers and toes tingling.
He barely hears Regulus when he comes into the kitchen, but he can smell his cologne when he sits down in front of James.
“Hey,” Regulus whispers softly, and James whines. “Hey, love. Hey, it’s okay. You’re okay, James,” he tells James quietly. “Give me your hands, okay? Come here,” Regulus tells him.
James squeezes his eyes shut, the words barely even registering in his mind. He doesn’t think he can unclench his hands, doesn’t think he can regain the feeling in his body. He feels like he can’t breathe, he can’t breathe, he can’t breathe.
James feels cold hands circling his wrists, pulling them away from where he has them pressed to his chest. Another sob racks through his body, and Regulus shushes him quietly.
“Okay, okay,” Regulus soothes softly. “You’re okay. Just come here.”
James feels his body being pulled toward Regulus’ and he allows his head to fall against his chest, feeling Regulus’ hands slide over his ears. Vaguely, he registers Regulus speaking, but it’s muffled. It’s like he’s under water.
“Evan? Ev? ” Regulus calls out. “Ev! Grab James’ inhaler from the bathroom cabinet please?”
“I – I don’t –“
“Shh,” Regulus shushes. “You’re alright. You’re having a panic attack. You’re safe, okay? Do you know where you are, love? Can you tell me?” He asks.
James feels another sob building, but he pushes it down as he pushes himself closer to Regulus. “Home,” he manages to choke out, gripping Regulus’ shirt in his hands. “Home with – with you. Kitchen,” he whispers, taking a deep breath, trying to slow his breathing. “Dizzy,” he adds. His throat feels like it’s closing up. It feels like he’s being suffocated, like he’s breathing through a fucking straw.
“Good job, love. You’re alright,” he whispers, coaxing James into sitting up properly. There are footsteps and a third voice murmuring something, but James’ mind is muddled and he doesn’t think he can clock who it is. Evan, maybe. Regulus called out for him before. “You need to use your inhaler, love. I can hear your wheezing, it’s not good –“
“But the other one –“
“It’s still early,” Regulus states, cutting James off. “Come on. Sit up, love,” Regulus murmurs, coaxing James into sitting up properly. “What caused this, James? You haven’t had one of these in a few months,” he mentions, furrowing his eyebrows.
The inhaler is pressed to his lips, and James inhales as Regulus presses down on the top of it. “Hold it,” Regulus murmurs, resting one hand on James’ arm and gently rubbing circles into it as he counts to ten, then repeats the process.
James avoids his eyes, averting his vision to the floor. He purses his lips, an ugly feeling bubbling in his chest. “Long day ‘s’all,” he explains, answering Regulus’ previous question. The lie slips through his lips easily, though it’s never been easy to lie to Regulus. “Evan’s here?” He asks, clearing his throat. “‘m sorry for –“
“Don’t be,” Regulus cuts in, leaning in and kissing James softly on the forehead. “We were just doing a puzzle, love. You’re not a bother,” he murmurs, pulling away from James.
James hums, then blinks. “What about your date earlier?” He asks, curious. The words have a bit of a bite to them. He doesn’t mean for them to sound that way, but that ugly feeling pulls at his chest and his throat and his stomach yet again and he can’t help but allow them to infiltrate his words.
“It was good,” Regulus tells him, settling on his knees in front of James. “He liked my soup, drove me home, kissed me at the door, and then I invited Evan over to do a puzzle,” he explains. James feels his throat tighten at the idea of Regulus’ stupid fucking date kissing him.
It makes him angry, for some reason, heat rising to his neck and face and he feels his jaw clench. He doesn’t say anything though. He doesn’t think he can either. He just nods and leans forward a bit, resting his forehead on Regulus’ shoulder and taking a shaky breath.
“How about you go shower and get some comfy clothes on, and I’ll make some chai for you. You can come finish the puzzle with Ev and I. Or you can sit with us, either is fine. I just don’t want you to be alone in case you have another panic attack tonight,” he explains. James feels an arm around his shoulders, and he hums, leaning into it.
He doesn’t say anything, though. He just nods and clears his throat, sniffling as he brings his arm up to his face and wipes his nose on his sleeve.
-
@jfprongss
what’s better, understanding and accepting your feelings or death? personally, i think death :D!!!!!!
@remuslupin replying to @jfprongss
????????
@remuslupin replying to @jfprongss
text me ???
@marlsmcki replying to @jfprongss
girl
@marlsmcki replying to @jfprongss
is this a tweet about being a homosexual or being mentally ill bc ur both i can never tell
@jfprongss replying to @marlsmcki
bitch i fucking hate you can you kys please
@remuslupin replying to @jfprongss and @marlsmcki
it’s almost like u r TRYING to get ur account banned again
@siriusorion replying to @remuslupin @jfprongss and @marlsmcki
A G A I N ????????
@siriusorion replying to @jfprongss
text me ??
@lwtgf
my fuckjfn main account got restricted for 6 hours because i todl marlene to k!ll themself :(
@marlsmcki replying to @lwtgf
fucking deserved idk
-
Message To: siri baby
gonna fucking kms actually
Message From: siri baby
???
Message To: siri baby
remus was right i want to die
why is he always right
i cant do this
im going to kms omfg
Message From: siri baby
the hell is ur issue
gay people can never be normal …
Message To: siri baby
would u murder me if i said i fancy regulus
Message From: siri baby
oh i knew already
what made you finally come to that conclusion
Message To: siri baby
o h so did EVERYBODY know excepr for me>!>!!
what the HELL.T
this is acc so fucked up what the fuck
what do i do now im going to thoeiwuup
ohmnsduyfgosf
Message From: siri baby
uh
tell him, maybe????
like idk that’s kind of the only way to deal with this u live with him mf ur never gonna escape LMFAJSFHASFJASF
Message To: siri baby
I SAW EVAn’s fuckfn shoes and assumed they were reg’s new bf’s shoes and had a fuckign panix atack
like
THIS IS SO EMBARRASIDFGHDSHFSFASFKA
im going to KMS.
Message From: siri baby
i shouldn’t laugh abt u having a panic attack
but by god that is the funniest thing i have ever read
you’re a loser oh my fucking gof
gay loser
GAY LOSER !!!!!
Message To: siri baby
yk what i regret telling u anything
HE HAS A BF.
GOODBYE
BLOCKED
NOW KYS!!
Message From: siri baby
just tell him how you feel!!!!!!!!! it’ll be okay
love u 2 bye
Locking his phone, James blows air out through his lips and sits up straight. He runs his hand over his face, resting his elbow on the coffee table, laptop in front of him. Regulus is in his room and James is in the living room, just working on some assignment.
Regulus hadn’t mentioned going out with this guy again. Not since last time, at least. It’d given James some semblance of hope that maybe Regulus changed his mind and he wasn’t actually interested in this person. James feels sick at the thought of Regulus being with someone else.
James doesn’t know who this person is, nor does he think he wants to know who they are. He knows that he’s being selfish, especially because he’s going to have to meet this person sometime soon considering the fact that Regulus is his bloody roommate and best friend.
But today is not that day, and now is not the time, because James needs to get this assignment done and he also really wants to watch the Five Nights at Freddy’s movie with Regulus, since they’ve been planning on seeing it at the end of the week.
-
[Regulus’ thumb swipes across the exposed skin of James’ ankle, sending goosebumps up his body. He shivers slightly, squirming as he turns over to lay on his side, sliding his legs further over Regulus’ lap. His knees now rested over Regulus’ thighs, his cheek pressed into the sofa arm.
“Are you sleepy?” Regulus asks quietly, and James hums but doesn’t say anything. “You’ve already taken your medicine, right? Just sleep –“
“But we’re watching Glee,” James murmurs, a yawn tumbling from his lips. “I can stay awake until ‘s done. ‘S okay,” he reassures Regulus, rubbing his eye with his fist.
“We can always finish this episode some other time, James,” Regulus tells him, squeezing his calf. “I’m not going to watch it without you,” he chuckles, and James huffs out a breath, feeling embarrassed.
“I don’t care if you watch it without me,” he mutters, kicking Regulus lightly. “It doesn’t matter. We can always just talk about it when we’ve both finished,” he says, but the words feel weird to him.
He’d never watch Glee without Regulus. He doesn’t think he’s ever watched Glee without Regulus. It feels wrong, really. It’s an empty promise that James would watch Glee without Regulus, and he knows that Regulus can tell with the way he squeezes James’ calf again.
“I’d never watch it without you,” Regulus tells him, his voice uncharacteristically soft and quiet. James feels his cheeks heating up, his stomach fluttering and chest constricting. He feels the need to rub at his chest to get rid of the feeling, so he does. “You know that, right? Glee is our show.”
James hums, blinking sleepily before nudging Regulus with his big toe. “Not even with your boyfriend ?” He half teases. He knows it sounds bitter the second it comes out of his mouth, but Regulus doesn’t seem to mind as he chuckles and grabs James’ big toe between his thumb and forefinger. James yelps, kicking him. “Let go of my dogs!” He giggles, and Regulus laughs with him. James feels his heart jump.
“Not even with my boyfriend, James.”]