Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was morning. Despite their lives being calmer after the hub was destroyed and Peridot was not an immediate threat, Garnet was still unable to truly rest. Steven had gathered them all up after breakfast to watch the mediocre television program with the crying breakfast foods.

She’d do anything for Steven that was good for him.

And sometimes that meant watching anthropomorphic foodstuffs for his emotional development. It just wasn't interesting enough to hold her attention. 

Whenever she had a moment of stillness, her mind, and therefore her body, was restless. 

If it wouldn't discorporate her to admit it, she'd call it anxiousness. Anxiousness rooted in fear with a side of disgust and broken-heartedness. 

But Garnet was cool. Garnet had to be cool. She had strength, collectedness, bravery, and compassion. Garnet could see the bigger picture and made her decisions based on what was best for the group.

Garnet also wasn't a fool. She knew what had her feeling *restless*.

She still couldn't forgive Pearl. 

And that's okay. She knew as much. 

But Garnet couldn't move forward either. She could only repress her feelings and hide whatever reactions she couldn't repress.

Garnet was not so good at that. 

Garnet had been more amicable with Pearl. Pearl had stopped being as overbearing and outwardly over-apologetic as before. Pearl had carefully been trying to repair their relationship. Today she chose to sit next to Garnet on the sofa. She looked to Garnet for permission first, and Garnet nodded her okay. Overall, Pearl seemed more comfortable with Garnet again.

But Garnet was far from comfortable with Pearl. No part of her was. 

If anything, Garnet’s distress had been getting worse. It didn't seem like anyone had noticed her discomfort, and if it was minor enough to be just a “Garnet” problem, then she and her components could fix the issue. That’s how she wanted it, even if it felt like drowning.

Pearl did ask to sit next to her which was kind and not socially required, but Garnet knows the only socially appropriate answer was yes. It is better for everyone that Garnet says yes and sits next to Pearl on the sofa because they are comrades and long-time friends. It is best for everyone that Garnet and Pearl reconcile and go back to normal. 

In her future vision, Garnet didn't see a path where her and Pearl's relationship, or Garnet herself, ever returned to the way they were before what happened.

Garnet was willing to acknowledge that scared her. A lot. 

Garnet kept her eyes locked on the television. But she could sense Pearl sitting there next to her and Garnet was on edge. Garnet thought her caution was unreasonable. As the humans say, ridiculous. Pearl knew better than to do this again. Pearl was a good person. Pearl was not a threat. But she had been a threat. Pearl had been a threat, and had violated her, and Garnet never thought that Pearl ever would. How naive. And if Pearl would, Garnet reasoned, so could anyone else. And many people must want to.

Maybe she was catastrophizing. Sometimes interacting with Pearl was okay. She had trained with Pearl last afternoon and Garnet felt fine the whole time. There were moments that had been enjoyable.

(After dinner was another story. Eventually, Garnet went to the beach and defused. Ruby and Sapphire held each other tight, while Sapphire pointed to the stars and used her Homeworld education to talk about the star systems and the resources that were abundant there. They didn't think about what Homeworld did with that information. They didn't think about the Diamonds. Not about leading the Crystal Gems. Not about Pearl. Not about Pearl. Just each other, the sound of the waves, and the stars above. If Sapphire ever had a hitch in her breath, Ruby just held her tighter and they both pretended it was the waves.)

Garnet knew she had to be “the bigger gem”. As the de facto team leader, she had to prioritize her team. She never asked to be the team leader. Rose's second in Command had been Pearl. Pearl, the Terrifying, Valoriant, Renegade Pearl from whom she learned strategy, whom she'd taken orders from, whom she looked up to, had shirked the duty. So it had to be the less experienced, and at the time, less qualified Garnet. Garnet did the best she could, even when it wasn't enough. And, by the stars did it hurt.

Perhaps that wasn't fair. Pearls weren't cut out for that sort of thing.

But neither were Rubies or Sapphires. 

However, Garnet was someone new and Garnet had a role to fill. So, she would, even if shoes didn't fit, she had to run in them.

Pearl had a role to fill too. Garnet had told her as much as they were within minutes of being crushed and shattered. Pearl said she understood and Pearl's actions had become better. She was trying. 

Garnet just couldn't trust it. Couldn't trust her. Couldn't believe her. Couldn't trust Amethyst, who felt the same way as Pearl. That made her feel ill. Garnet felt her feelings were immature. Amethyst was the one who stopped Pearl from…doing it again (“It wasn’t fusion,” she told herself, unsure. “Fusion isn’t this violating, right?” But with the cluster, and with Malachite… maybe this was fusion after all.”) She wouldn't burden Steven more than witnessing her initial undoing. Garnet didn't quite understand childhood but knew this burden shouldn’t be placed on someone new to this world. And Greg was human. What would he know about fusion? 

It was just her left to cope with this mess. The one and the two of her. And she wasn't sure about trusting herself either but she needed herself more than ever, so she will trust herself to the best of her ability. She was usually good at that.

“Uh, Garnet?” asked Pearl, in her concerned voice, leaning forward and peering at her. “Are you alright?”

Garnet flinched and her mind snapped back to the present.

She found that everyone's attention was off the Crying Carbohydrates and onto her. 

Garnet cursed internally. She was slipping. At least she wasn't defusing, even if that meant Ruby and Sapphire both felt terrible.

“Yeah, Garnet,” said Amethyst, “What’s up with your hands?” 

Garnet looked down at the hands in her lap and stilled them. She'd been…stimming again, as young Connie put it. Garnet usually did the repetitive hand movements under extreme stress or joy to regulate. Connie did a similar thing so Garnet had asked her what it was and why. Garnet was unsure if it worked the same way for Gems, but she'd never been typical.

Steven looked at her probingly and with concern. The last time he'd seen her like this, it had been quite distressing for him. Ultimately, he blamed himself for the discord of the team and Garnet, Ruby, and Sapphire's reactions. That was the furthest thing from the truth. She hated that she and Ruby and Sapphire caused him to feel that way.

It made her feel inadequate. Steven shouldn't be concerned for her, it was supposed to be Garnet who was concerned for Steven. Or so she had picked up from some parenting books she checked out from the library. Parentification was bad for children. Though Steven is expected to be a Gem as well. And they had a form of youth, Gems like Amethyst who are not too far from their formation, but no children. Garnet's future vision confirmed this would affect his development, but Garnet still tried to balance his necessary training with human child things. He was worth the effort.

And then there was Greg. Garnet couldn't read his face. Adult humans were difficult like that. In all probable futures, Garnet could see him confronting her on her recent behavior and soon. 

Maybe she should get away from the house.

Chapter Text

Garnet stood up. “I am going for a walk,” she said. It was time to bail. 

“Getting some fresh air is a great idea!” said Steven. “We could walk on the beach and we can look for more seashells for our collection. And maybe we’ll see some crabs, I know how much you like them and their fighting spirit!”

“I want you to stay here, Steven,” said Garnet. He was such a sweet little gem but Garnet needed space, not to be responsible for a child or a team for just a few moments. “I want to hear a summary of it when I get back.”

“You don't even like this show,” complained Steven. 

“That is why I am asking for a summary,” said Garnet. She gave him a small smile, typically reserved for him. “I will be back before it's time to tuck you in at night.” 

“Alone?” asked Pearl “Are you sure you don't want one of us to come with you?”

“Quite,” said Garnet, in a way she hoped sounded confident. It sounded off to her. “I am never alone.”

It didn't feel that way. Nonetheless, that's the note she made her exit on. Garnet headed outside, and she could hear a hesitant male voice behind her. 

“Don't worry, Steven,” Greg said “I'll go check on her. Everyone has bad days.”

Garnet waited on the porch. She faced away from the house, hands resting on the railing and looking out at the sandy shoreline. She hadn't thought about where she was going yet, and avoiding Greg would only cause further concern and delay the inevitable.

Garnet heard the squealing of the external door hinge, the click of the wooden doors’ latch mechanism, and the louder, high-pitched sound of the metal alloy and plexiglass outer door. Footsteps drew closer to her until Greg was standing next to her, also looking out on the beach shore.

“Hey Garnet,” said Greg, awkward hesitation in his voice. “I know you’re not alright. You looked a lot like you did at the motel in Keystone. This have something to do with that?” 

Garnet, not facing him, gives an almost imperceptible nod.

“Is there anything I can do for you?” asked Greg. “Any of you?”

Garnet considered. Was there anything he could do for her?

“I need to be not here,” explained Garnet. “My distress will only cause distress to my team. Which I am not capable of handling in this state.”

“Your team, huh? That sounds lonely. I’m not a Crystal Gem,” said Greg. “But I like to think of myself as on your team. We’re family! But you’re not my leader. So you can talk to me about it if you want. Sometimes talking to someone about how you feel can help sort things out.”

Garnet paused and considered. Out of the limited amount of people she was truly familiar with, Greg may be her best option to share what was burdening her. He wasn’t a Crystal Gem, she knew that he kept all of their confidential information he was aware of to himself, and he wasn’t negatively judgmental. But he also had a difficult relationship with Pearl. On one hand, Garnet knew that he would listen to her, instead of jumping to Pearl’s defense in the way she felt Amethyst did.

On the other hand, Garnet didn’t want to contribute to more discord between Greg and Pearl. That often resulted in Steven's feelings being hurt. And she was also fond of Greg as well. And when Pearl is sad, everyone is sad.

“Not here,” said Garnet. She truly needed some distance from the home which had become a space that made her hyper-vigilant rather than at peace. It was too risky to talk about it here as there was a not insignificant probability that at least one of the Crystal Gems would be listening in.

She decided to speak to Greg. Not because she wanted to, but because it seemed to be the only viable choice, Garnet justified. Speaking with Greg about an issue with Pearl almost felt like a betrayal of her once mentor and closest friend. She wouldn’t need to tell him every detail of the reasons why Pearl did it. Those that spawned in her head then ran through her mind like wild horses and those reasons given to Garnet by Pearl herself that loomed, ever-present, in her mind. Garnet committed herself to saying nothing about Rose and nothing about the status of Pearls amongst Gems. Even if Rose and Pearl’s relationship and Pearl’s social conditioning played a large role in Pearl’s behavior today. It was far too intimate to speak on and wouldn’t be good for Greg or for Pearl.

“Hey Garnet,” said Greg. “Feel like I lost you there for a moment. I asked you if you’d like to get some shaved ice.”

“Shaved ice?” asked Garnet. What did a frozen water dessert have to do with anything? It seemed quite non sequitur. 

“You like shaved ice,” said Greg. “And you look like you could use a pick-me-up.”

“A pick-me-up,” Garnet repeated.

“You know,” said Greg. “Something to make you feel better.”

She doubted the frozen treat could make a dent in addressing her emotional turmoil and the resulting complications, but she could try it. And she did like shaved ice.

“Your treat,” she stated. Garnet didn’t have much need for money when she wasn’t with Steven, so she didn’t have any on hand.

“Of course,” said Greg. “Let’s get out of here.”

___

“Two scoops,” instructed Garnet to the teenager at the shaved ice cart. “One scoop Tiger’s Blood and one scoop Blue Coconut.”

“Last time you got Strawberry and Blue Rasberry,” said Greg. “Red and Blue.”

“It’s my theme. I am looking for the best flavor combination to report to Steven at his request,” said Garnet, taking her cup from the worker. “I told him my favorite was raspberry.”

“Which is a similar color to garnet,” concluded Greg. 

“Correct,” said Garnet. Honestly, she did it mostly because it amused Steven. He wasn't here at the moment so perhaps it amused her herself. The smallest things in the world around him would make him happy. Much like she did when she was newly created. Garnet was able to experience it vicariously through and with him. It was a gift. 

Greg spoke to the worker, went with a tropical flavor, and paid for the treats. 

“Very beachy,” said Garnet. As Greg led her to an outside table in the lot the cart was on that had been set up with wooden benches. 

Garnet was aware of her flat affect and she had learned to use it for ‘deadpan’ delivery for better social integration on Earth and because she enjoyed the unpredictability of people's responses to it. Greg was quite used to it now but it was ‘her thing’, a part of her personality, a part of her unique sense of humor, a reality of being Garnet. She learned that being used to it can make it familiar. Something familiar can be something comforting. Something that could be missed. 

“What can I say,” responded Greg with a chuckle. “It's my theme.” 

Garnet hummed in appreciation for the returned banter and took her seat. Something familiar indeed. 

They ate in silence for a moment. Garnet decided this was her favorite combination yet. Now it was time for the difficult part.

“I am not sure what you know,” said Garnet. “Ruby and Sapphire aren't known for being communicative with others.”

“If things are good with you, you're yourself,” said Greg. “When we see them, something is awry with all of you.”

That was true. Garnet never thought about that before but, in reflection, it was true. She was conflicted about that. Perhaps her components should have non-urgent appearances every now and then. 

“Steven told me about the communication hub,” said Greg. “But I think it’s best if I heard it from your point of view.”

“I don't imagine it was much different,” said Garnet. She wanted to get through this as to the point and quickly as it could accurately be done.

“Pearl and I fused to make Sardonyx, who disassembled the combination hub after Peridot used it to message Homeworld. The tower was repetitively assembled, I assumed by a Homeworld gem. I'm sure you understand the threat of Homeworld knowing where we are. So it was rather concerning that it kept happening, despite all that was being transmitted after the initial incident was static. Amethyst and my fusion, Sugilite, is unpredictable. She, as well as Amethyst and I, get carried away. Instead, I asked Pearl to make Sardonyx so we could disassemble the tower, rather than destroy it.” 

Garnet paused for a moment to take a sip of her partially melted shaved ice. As expected, this was difficult to talk about. She was being vulnerable, but she did not want to cry. She felt as though she might. 

She'd gotten more comfortable crying. She blamed Steven and that Crying Breakfast show. It wasn't a bad thing. She needed to show emotion at least sometimes, it was healthy for him and admittedly had been helpful to her. Ruby and Sapphire had shed tears over this, but Garnet did not want to. To her, it felt like giving in to her fear. 

Garnet quietly tapped her fingers against her thighs in a specific rhythm. The distraction was soothing. re-centering. She took a breath and continued. “Pearl was excited to do so. Fusing with me is often exhilarating. One feels love, connection, romance even. When appropriate, my fusion style is sensual. I suppose she wanted more of that.” 

Garnet tapped her fingers faster, switching to a more complicated rhythm. “I love sharing that feeling.” Her voice faltered then, sounding broken as she felt. That far from made this okay.  “She could have asked me.” The tapping stopped and she clenched her fists. 

“She should have,” supplied Greg. Garnet knew he already knew where this was going.

Garnet sighed. She tilted her head back and closed her misting eyes. This was damn hard. Breath hitching slightly, she continued.

“Amethyst and Steven did a stake-out. Monitoring the disassembled hub to catch the Gem we suspected of rebuilding it. They discovered that it was Pearl right as Pearl and I ran out to the assembled hub. I have spoken to Steven more than a few times about the importance of consent and how wrong it is for fusion to be forced, so he was aware of the wrongness of it. Steven and Amethyst stopped us mid-fusion dance and demanded Pearl to tell the truth. Pearl admitted to reassembling the tower so that she could fuse with me and I was shocked, then fearful, then enraged. She was in my arms so I dropped her, no, threw her to the ground. I did not want her touching me. I backed away from her before my anger took over and I started advancing on her. She gave me so many reasons but I did not want to hear her excuses. I do not understand how she was expecting me to react. Amethyst tried to get me to stop yelling and advancing on Pearl. To diffuse the situation, I now understand. She explained to me that they both fuse with me to feel better about themselves. And fusing with me was their one chance to feel that strong. That only angered me more. I am more than that. Homeworld considers me to be a ‘thing’, nothing more than a dishonorable tactic to gain strength.”

Garnet began to cry then. She did not sob, but tears began to run from her eyes and her inhalations became sharper before she started to consciously regulate her breathing. Greg handed her a few napkins that she used to wipe her face without taking her glasses off completely. It was only a small measure of privacy but she needed it.

All she ever wanted was to be recognized as herself. Why did those she accepted as family not want her to have that?

“I may fuse liberally but it's still my choice. It's a display of our relationship, our intimacy, our trust. I hold it sacred. Pearl knows this. Pearl has known me for all of my existence!”

“She doesn't understand what was so wrong. Her words revealed she was more upset that I was angry with her. I explained myself. I got more excuses—self-deprecating ones. We were in danger of being shattered and fusing was the only way to get out. My team's function and well-being is my responsibility to maintain. Pearl’s emotions are fragile. She was mentally spiraling downward the entire time I did not talk to her. So, I have to be the “bigger Gem.” said Garnet. “But I am failing at it. In ways I did not expect. I thought I would be able to put this behind me by now.”

“Garnet, I’m sorry,” Greg empathized. “I didn't fully understand the extent of this from Steven's account. And I’ll definitely need to talk with him about this again. I don’t want him picking up her behavior. Pearl and I have our issues, but this isn’t something I would've expected from her either. This is… this is low.”

“I fear her now,” disclosed Garnet quietly, looking down at her cup of shaved ice, there was only about a third left and it was a liquid at this point. “More than the Homeworld Gems we've been encountering. Despite time passing, my distress has only increased. I am unable to rest around her. I reacted poorly by sitting next to her. My involuntary, yet prolonged and exaggerated, response is inversely related to what the group needs. What our family needs.”

“Garnet,” said Greg. “Consider what you need. Your family needs you to take care of yourself. And sometimes family isn't all that great. I hardly talk to my folks, and for good reason. This isn’t an exaggerated response either. It takes humans a much longer time than you’ve had to recover from things like this. You went through something awful. ”

“Why do you think that?” asked Garnet immediately after the question was asked. Her voice didn't rise but her anger briefly flared inside, heat burning in her chest. That was unexpected and she didn’t quite understand why. She had been violated and that felt awful. He was right. She made it clear to the offender, her friend, that it was awful. 

Being angry about the, whatever it had been, was fine. Being afraid? Feeling timid? Near having a breakdown merely because someone sat next to her? She survived a war! Garnet wouldn’t say it changed her for the best, but she pulled through. And yet, a few deceptive fusions with a once trusted friend were breaking her. 

“You have never fused,” said Garnet. She thought her voice sounded more like an accusation than a statement of fact.

“Not like Gems do,” said Greg. Garnet couldn’t tell if he took offense. “But humans have their own versions of physical and intimate acts. We have ways to become one in different senses of the word. And the most important part of those acts is consent. It’s the difference between a good experience and a bad one.”

“It is,” said Garnet. “I keep thinking about the cluster. Gem shards that were forcibly put together and are unable to form their full selves. It wasn’t fusion, or I thought it wasn’t fusion. It was horrible, non-consensual, and cruel. It was one of the most horrifying things I have ever seen.”

“That sounds horrific,” said Greg. “To see that and then be forced to fuse...I can’t imagine.”

“I joined with Pearl willingly. I enjoy fusing. It is well known that I enjoy fusing, even amongst our enemies, though they consider it perverse.” countered Garnet. She knew she had a right to be upset. And it was because she felt used but something in her resisted.  “At the time, I enjoyed fusing with Pearl. It's only retrospectively that the occurrences make me feel corrupted. Perverse. Unclean. Unfit for fusion with anyone else. That is unlike me.”

The last time she felt this conflicted about fusion was at the end of Pearl’s blade all those 5,748 years ago. It had also been the first time her new identity was affirmed. The first time she, who would become Garnet, was acknowledged as a person and affirmed. It was a beautiful and formative memory that now felt somewhat soured. 

“Humans don’t have fusion,” Greg repeated gently. Garnet regretted her outburst; she was not fragile. “But one of the most physically intimate acts humans can have is sex. It’s a connection of body and mind. Some people share it with many people. Some with a select few or just one. Some don't feel a need to at all. In all of these cases, When it happens without consent, many don’t consider it sex at all, but a sexual assault. Consent gained by deception or under a threat isn’t really consent. What happened to you was both of those things. It’s a big deal. I don’t know what that’s like, but I’ve supported someone who does. It made her feel dirty or like an object. She is not. You are not.”

Garnet sat with that. That was similar to what she taught Steven about fusing. It was a different thing, that could involve different feelings, but it was not so different. She did feel like an object. One to be used and discarded. One used for power and others’ self-gratification. As if she wasn’t a person. As if her right to self-determination, the reason she joined the Crystal Gems, didn’t matter. Despite not needing to breathe, it felt like she couldn’t and needed to. Garnet allowed her hands to stim freely under the table. Her thumbs circled the two gemstones on the hand they were attached to. Homeworld did not consider her a person in her own right either. Just a result of an unsanctioned union. As Jasper put it: A tactic to make weak Gems stronger.

While Garnet had never thought of Pearl and Amethyst as weak they thought it of themselves. They had weaknesses, just like her, but were strong in their own way. Except when they chose not to be, she thought a little resentfully of her one-time role model. But Pearl did abuse her consent and Amethyst defended Pearl’s reasons for doing it. Did they think of her as a mere tactic to make them stronger? Was she deluding herself about who she was?

No.

No.

She was not.

Garnet was her own person. Her own Gem. She just had not been treated like one. It usually didn’t get to her. Being her felt right, Rose Quartz had affirmed that, and after meeting her, Garnet never questioned it. But for her team to express that, to hear that from those she accepted as family? Who she learned the meaning of family with? It struck her to the core.

“How do I fix this?” asked Garnet, knowing the truth of the non-answer to her question but desperate for an answer all the same. “Feeling objectified. Feeling shame, unclean. These thoughts cloud my mind and I cannot be the person I need to be.”

“I don’t think it’s something that can be fixed, Garnet,” said Greg, shrugging apologetically. “I can be there for you, but I am not qualified to guide you through this.”

“I do know somewhere you can get some help with processing this though,” said Greg. “I go to the Beach City community center once a week for a peer support meeting for people whose partners have died. There was a flyer on the board for a clinical peer support group for victims of domestic violence. Pearl and you have a longstanding relationship where you’ve experienced acts of abuse. Maybe it could help.”

Garnet did not like the sound of those words. She did not want to think about that either.

“Would I be welcome as a Gem?” asked Garnet.

Her situation was different. Maybe too different for humans to understand or empathize. She could see a few possible realities where she would not truly be welcome. She could see more probable realities where she was but she was fixated on the few possible ones. Having too narrow a focus and the ruling out of more improbable possibilities hadn’t served her well as of late. None of the possibilities where she didn’t seek further assistance went well nor ended well. 

“I know the peer leader for the group and she’d welcome you,” said Greg. “Vidalia, she’s a good friend of mine and has exposure to Gem stuff. You may have heard about her through Amethyst.”

“I have met her. She would be aware of who I was speaking of,” said Garnet. “And Amethyst. Amethyst does not seem to understand how I feel. She does understand how Pearl feels. Vidalia has a closer relationship with her. I do not wish to strain that.”

“Beach City isn’t so much a city as a town,” said Greg. “Everyone has heard of everyone, and the Crystal Gems are pretty high profile. People will know who you are talking about. May have even met them or known them personally. I know several people in my support group. They are to stay confidential but it’s just a risk you’ll have to take if you go. You can talk to Vidalia about it before making up your mind. She has a code of ethics around these kinds of things.”

A code of ethics, thought Garnet. She had one of those she lived by it. The Crystal Gems had an oath they swore on their existence that held them to an ethical standard. Admittedly, adherence to it was blurred by many during the height of the war. Garnet’s standards remained tight, both during the war and outside of it. Nonetheless, Vidalia answering to a larger authority under a code of ethics could be a good thing.

“I will consider it,” decided Garnet. “And I will talk to Vidalia, to better understand her code of ethics. Then I will make my decision.”

“Sounds like a plan,” said Greg. “I can make a call and ask her if I can give her your number.”

“I know where she lives,” said Garnet definitively. She still didn’t want to have things done for her that she could do herself. She was shaken, yes. But she was still capable to an extent at least. “I will ask her myself.”

“Thank you, Greg,” said Garnet. Meeting Greg’s eyes through her glasses. “You were correct that talking with you about this would ‘help me sort things out’. And about the shaved ice as well.”

“Anytime, Garnet,” said Greg, with a gentle smile. “You ready to head back?”

“No,” said Garnet firmly. She needed time to process and time to decompress. “I will stay away a while longer. I will be okay should you return home.”

“I’ll stay with you if you don’t mind,” said Greg. “I’ll send Steven a text. I think he’d eat me alive if I returned without you anyway. Why don’t we take that walk on the beach? And they’ve been showing some of those old western movies you like at the discount theater, so we could go see one.”

“I would like that,” said Garnet. 

Chapter Text

Garnet and Greg arrived back home early in the afternoon, shortly before dinner time.

“Howdy, Steven,” said Garnet, as she entered the loft quietly, surprising him.

“Garnet!,” Steven exclaimed. “You’re back! How do you feel?” 

“A little better,” said Garnet. “Your dad took me to get shaved ice. I had the best red and blue combination yet.”

“What was it?” asked Steven 

“Tiger’s Blood and Blue Coconut.” 

“Blue Coconut?” said Steven. “We've got to go to Sanic together soon. They have a lot of Blue Coconut drinks.”

“Sure Steven,” said Garnet. “Tell me about what I missed.”

“We didn't actually go back to watching the Crying Breakfast Friends for long,” said Steven. “Amethyst, Pearl, and I did some art and some baking!”

It was unfortunate that Steven was unable to return to the Crying Breakfast Foods show. But Pearl and Amethyst had managed well. 

Steven, like her, was one to hide pain. But he truly seemed okay at the moment. 

“I am going to spend some time in my room at the temple. I'll be spending the night over there as well.”

Steven frowned slightly.

“What's been going on, Garnet?” implored Steven.

“I'm not yet ready to share that with you, Steven,” said Garnet. She was far too exhausted to even attempt that. “I will tell you when I am ready.” 

“Okay, Garnet,” said Steven resignedly. 

“I will go to the temple to meditate and return in 2 hours, and then we can do something fun,” said Garnet. “Pick out a game, eat dinner, and then get ready for bed. I will be back soon.”

“You choose,” said Steven. “I choose all the time.”

“We can play two. I can choose one and you could choose the other,” offered Garnet. “I choose Kiwis to Kiwis.” 

Garnet didn't know what an average amount of words a human had in their lexicon. Or what a human education would look like. Gems used many technical terms and for, Homeworld expressions and figures of speech but Steven was human as well. She thinks he gets enough exposure to human words, but can’t be sure. Garnet didn’t interact with humans as much as Amethyst or even Pearl did. Math was pretty consistent though the methods were quite different. To compensate, the Gems would play educational games with him. It had been Pearl's idea. Garnet and Amethyst were happy to join them.

“We need three for that,” said Steven.

“Good point,” said Garnet “What game are you choosing,”

“Lets play Jenga!” said Steven. I don’t think either of us won last time.” 

Garnet was terrible at Jenga. Steven wasn't much better. She supposed that made it the perfect game for them.

“Maybe we could invite…Amethyst?” said Steven.

This little boy shouldn’t have to mediate this.

“We could,” said Garnet. “Or you could have Ruby and Sapphire play Kiwis to Kiwis with you, and me for Jenga. I think they want to apologize for the last time you saw them and have fun with you for a while instead. It’s okay if you do not want to see them. Sapphire and I will understand. Ruby will honor your choice and respect it because she loves and respects you. She would be proud you told her no, but not understand. Through fusion, she will later come to understand.”

“Yes, I would like to play Kiwis to Kiwis with Ruby and Sapph. But I also want to play the game with you.”

“Well, the only way for us to do that would be to invite more people,” said Garnet, caving in. If Steven wanted to play the game with her, with Garnet, who was she to resist. The smallest of things like that she cherished. The child was giving Ruby and Sapphire a chance to make amends and wants to play a game with her specifically. Sigh, She could do it. She was a good guardian/aunt/adoptive mother/gem leader to Steven, or at least she tried to be.

“We need two more people,” stated Garnet. 

“Wait, isn't it just one,” asked Steven, lifting an adorably bushy brow.

“No. I adapted the game for three people but it’s four people for a full game. The full game is the ideal way to play it.” said Garnet.

“Are you still upset with Pearl?” asked Steven. “Because we don’t have to invite her, but she might feel left out. But maybe we should if…”

“Steven.”

“But only if you’re sure because..”

“Steven,” Garnet interrupted again. “None of this is your fault and none of it is your responsibility.”

“The only people I can think of are Pearl and Amethyst. I think Dad is going down to the carwash,” said Steven.

“Okay,” said Garnet, evenly. “So we do Jenga first, Ruby and Sapphire will play Kiwis to Kiwis with you. Then we invite Pearl and Amethyst for a final game of Kiwis to Kiwis and then you go to bed at 9 pm, but I am willing to be flexible as 9:10 pm." Steven deserved a chance to ‘let his hair loose’ after all he's been through. One late night was fine, he’s had later when staying over with his father, as long as it didn’t become a habit. She would make sure that it didn’t.

If Steven was okay with it, it would just be the one game, thought Garnet,  And she would be sure not to sit near Pearl. She could do that. It’d been a long day, sure, and she was a little stressed, yes. And she still felt quite vulnerable as well, but it was just a game. She at least felt less keyed up and it’s not like Pearl was going to attack her. They’d both be fine as long as Garnet managed her emotions and Pearl didn’t require that Garnet manage hers. Garnet’s emotions were less intense and less defined when it came to her relationship with Amethyst. It’s a struggle for her not to loop Amethyst into Pearl’s choices.

“Sounds good,” said Steven with a smile. “Will you read or tell me a story? Or maybe I could read you one!”

“I’ll tell you a story,” said Garnet with a smile. “But I choose the story.” 

“Awesome.”

“Well go get ready, I will see you later.”

“See ya, Garnet!” exclaimed Steven.

This was a very very long day and meditation was definitely in order. 

______

Garnet returned to the house after 15 minutes of deliberating, not worrying thought Garnet, the upcoming game with Steven, Amethyst…and Pearl, an hour-long meditation, and another 30 minutes of listening to some low-fi hip hop and playing Tetris on the Zune media player the Crystal Gems (with Greg's money) got her for her Creation day/Ruby and Sapphire's Fusion Anniversary. It was a simple logic and mathematics game that held her focus without requiring too much effort.

She felt more regulated but wondered how long that would last. In her meditation, she realized that she probably needed… No… She needed to speak with Amethyst. She had, in the moment, and she had gotten Amethyst’s answer in that moment. She did not want to bring it up again. Couldn’t bear to hear the same message again. She had been conflating Pearl and Amethyst’s actions and intentions. But even when trying to separate them out, the words still hurt. Especially in the aftermath of those repetitive violations. Clearly Garnet was still struggling with this. But she was certain this realization was true. One likely influenced by her future vision as well. She was too apprehensive to intentionally use her future vision to look at the likely outcomes of taking that path.

Garnet entered the side door of the house and walked inside. She was immediately greeted by a smiling Steven.

“Go ahead to the loft Garnet,” said Steven. He was enthusiastic. “I am bringing a surprise.”

Alright, thought Garnet as she headed up the stairs. She knew he had baked her something. But what he baked was still a mystery. 

Steven had the games pulled out and sat on the rug on the floor. Garnet opened the Jenga box and, unfortunately, whoever had used it last did not store it in a way where it was already in formation. Garnet dumped the building blocks on the wooden floor and began to assemble the tower. It was a repetitive task and she liked some repetitive tasks. Mostly ones that had some sort of final result. Like mining and building in Minecraft. This should be fun, but it wasn’t. It made her uneasy, Humans created some interesting games.

Soon, and with only marginal difficulty, the Jenga tower was complete. Garnet was an 'okay' builder. She was much better at demolition. Not total demolition, more often salvageable, but definitely worse for wear. That’s another reason Garnet asked for Pearl's help when the tower was initially assembled. The tower could have been of some use to them later. So why not disassemble it like one could a Jenga tower? No signals to Homeworld and a potentially useful piece of tech preserved.

In the end, destroying the tower was the only reasonable option. Or at least that’s what she told herself. Maybe Garnet wanted to pull that essential load bearing brick, smash that load bearing pillar, to witness it crashing to the ground. The destruction a monument to her rage. She flicks some of the wooden bricks from the top of the tower and removed a few bricks at random to create instability. She observed the swaying tower with something like resentment. She gritted her teeth and clenched her fists and her eyes before using one gauntleted hand, at a reasonable force, to destroy the tower.

Garnet frowned. Oh no, Something was wrong.

She opened her eyes and looked at the scattered wooden bricks to her left. She began picking the pieces up and putting them back in the box. She did it just as haphazardly as the previous player of the game, not bothering to box it in its tower format.

She couldn’t play this game. And she would have to tell Steven. 

How painfully transparent.

Garnet couldn’t catch a break.

Steven came upstairs holding a tray. “Surprise Garnet!” said Steven. “I made you red velvet cookies. Or rather Amethyst and I made them, with me making sure Amethyst mostly followed the directions. There are some extra chocolate chips and added white chocolate chips. That part was my idea. The frosting came from the store.”

“Thank you, Steven,” said Garnet. His voice tore her attention away from the boxed Jenga bricks she’d been staring at. She robotically took a cookie from Steven.

She wasn’t particularly in the mood for it but she would eat a cookie for Steven’s satisfaction. It was the right choice. Not only was it quite good, the flavors and textures were grounding, bringing her focus to the current moment.

“Are you okay?” asked Steven. “I mean. You don’t have to answer that now of course, but we can do something else.”

“I know you chose Jenga,” said Garnet. “I just realized that Jenga makes me remember sad memories. Could you choose a different game?”

“We could play Cascadia Trail on the computer?” offered Steven clearly worried. Garnet felt awful about that but she wasn’t sure of what she could do. “You are very good about getting your party across the plains mostly alive and well.”

“That isn’t a two-player game,” replied Garnet. “I did not realize you played it much.”

“My dad recommended it to you because he would play it with me on the computer when I was younger. He said it’s educational,” said Steven.

“Okay then,” said Garnet, firing up the old desktop. “Let’s play Cascadia Trail.”

After Steven’s party died twice from dysentery and once by drowning, He handed the mouse to Garnet and played backseat gamer.  Garnet’s party died from hunger once, but had been sailing smoothly since the previous play. She passed the mouse back to Steven and they took turns and worked together on the ancient single player game and had a lot of fun. Garnet brought in some lessons about strategy into their play as well.

He didn’t ask anymore about Pearl. Garnet knew all this was obviously Steven’s way of trying to make Garnet feel better. She respected that and was proud at how compassionate Steven was. He was so much like Rose Quartz in that respect. But if only he better understood that a game night with all of the Crystal Gems would not be a cure for their divisive woes.

Steven and Garnet got so into playing Cascadia Trail, it would have been too easy to let it drag out longer than she’d allotted, but Ruby and Sapphire deserve some time with him too.

“Steven,” said Garnet, “I am going to inform Amethyst and Pearl about the Kiwis to Kiwis game later on.  It is 8:02 pm now.”

“Tell them 8:40 pm,” said Steven. I want to catch up with Ruby and Sapphire.”

Garnet stood up and headed downstairs, it felt weird to not speak with Amethyst and Pearl after returning to the house. The Crystal Gems picked up that habit from the humans. After so many had been of the Crystal Gems had been lost, each greeting felt like an 'It’s an honor to be your comrade' or a 'It’s an honor to be your family.' Garnet hadn't been feeling very honored.

But she did have Amethyst’s cookies, she thought. Amethyst saw that Garnet was sad, and decided to make Garnet her favorite cookie with a little bit of Amethyst’s personal flair. She held off on that particular train of thought. She went over her next words in her mind and made her presence known.

Pearl was in the kitchen doing dishes from what must have been either several batches and/or attempted batches of cookies. She wore an apron, yellow rubber gloves, and was very immersed in her current task with a sort of dutiful and attentive ease. Not something many people can do. Garnet had always admired that. After some years with the Crystal Gems, and a good deal of training and effort, she learned how to imitate it in her areas of confidence.

“Pearl,” said Garnet, aiming for her usual flat casual tone of voice, standing at the entry for the kitchen. Not quite in the room but not quite outside it either.

Pearl stumbled a bit before recovering. She puts the washed and rinsed plate that was in her hands into the dish rack. She looked up to her and offered a cautious smile and wary expression belying some discomfort or self-consciousness or fear. Something like that, Garnet wasn’t always the best at immediately identifying emotional nuances, even within herself, but it’s not like any of those related emotions were mutually exclusive.

“Hi Garnet,” says Pearl nervously. “Uh...How was your walk?”

“It was good,” Garnet said shortly and evenly. If anything she spoke a little too coolly. Verging on icy. “Steven invites you to a game of Kiwis to Kiwis today at 8:40pm. I suggest arriving right at 8:40. Ruby and Sapphire will start a game with Steven soon, and, as far as I know, they don’t wish to speak with you right now.”

They had to have a little talk about that one. Sapphire and Ruby expressed a need for more time. Pearl really threw a wrench in their relationship and intimacy. Even Sapphire, who was rushing to forgive Pearl, acknowledged that Ruby and her relationship needed some repair and attention both due to the incident and some issues Ruby and Sapphire already had that were exposed by Pearl’s deception. Neither of them wanted to speak to her until they further mended themselves and their relationship because that is what comes first between them. Garnet appreciated Ruby and Sapphire for all that they invested in her.

“Is that what this is all about?” said Pearl, softly. Aggrieved. “The…ah, with Sardonyx? I thought we…Okay, Garnet. I understand that they’re upset and will give them space.” She hung her head, looking downward instead of at Garnet.

Garnet realized her arms were crossed defensively across her chest and forced her hands to drop to her sides. She didn’t want to be seen as intimidating in this context. That was part of the problem. She needed to be seen as a person. After uncrossing herself, she felt unbearably exposed and instinctively crossed her arms again. It was more of a protective self-hug than anything else.

Pearl, still looking downward, clenched her waist with her hands. “Do you have any idea what I can do to assure them? To prove myself to them?” Pearl asked. She looked up, eyes glossy, but she didn’t let a tear fall. “I don’t get to interact with them as often as I do you. But whatever it is, I am willing to do it.”

Garnet groaned. How dare Pearl look hurt by this? She didn’t trust Pearl. They didn’t trust Pearl. She did not want Pearl in any of their business. Pearl couldn’t assure any of them, not when what they still expected from her was manipulation. Did Pearl miss what she said about not being able to “make up for this”. To Garnet, what Pearl just said sounded like the same thing. So much for keeping all this mess to herself. She couldn’t care right now. She thought Pearl looked pathetic standing there. Pearl's self-centered apologetic demeanor made her angry. Garnet couldn’t stand it. 

“I can't do this right now Pearl!” Garnet exclaimed. “I don’t control Ruby and Sapphire. We are all different people. I have my own mental and emotional issues and theirs too. And right now it is all too much. I need you to be strong, Pearl. Because I can’t, not all the time, not right now.” Her voice finished the statement on a rather weak note, cracking at the end.

Despite Pearl's head being declined, Garnet saw Pearl's eyes widen at that.

“Right. Okay,” said Pearl quietly. She sniffs then stands up straight. She gives Garnet a pained smile with teary eyes. “8:40 pm sharp. See you and Steven then. Thank you, Garnet.”

“I have to go, Ruby and Sapphire are already late,” finished Garnet quietly. Pearl nodded and dashed off to… somewhere. She was still wearing her apron and dishwashing gloves.

Garnet left the kitchen, and made a detour outside. She felt uncomfortably hot. While this was purely a psychological issue for her it helped a great deal to feel the cool nighttime sea breeze on her surface. She took a few deep breaths of the salty cool air, went back inside, and looked around for Amethyst.

“Hey Garnet, I’m up here!” Amethyst said from the loft where Garnet was mere moments before.

“She wanted to hang out with Ruby and Sapphire. Is that okay?’” asked Steven.

“You’ll have to ask them, but I foresee that they will say yes.” To what degree, Garnet didn’t know. But she was fairly certain that her presence was fine. Garnet had gotten upset with Amethyst, was still upset with her, but she knew Amethyst cared. Her actions showed she cared. Cared enough to stop the repetitive violations and expose the truth. To use those experiences Amethyst and Pearl shared to deduce what was happening and to tell Garnet the truth.

The cookies helped of course. If only as a consumable reminder of all the other things.

Garnet could use a few reminders of all the other things.

Garnet headed up to the loft and said “Thank you Steven and Amethyst for the cookies. They taste like love.”

“That’s because we love you, Garnet,” said Steven, wrapping her in a hug. 

“We do,” said Amethyst with a head tilt and a smile.

“Alright, It’s 8:10 so,” said Garnet kindly, though she could hear the exhaustion in her voice. She booped his nose. “See you later Steven. You too, Amethyst.”

“Bye Garnet!” said Steven. Amethyst gave her a two finger salute.

It was the last thing she saw and heard as she defused.
___________________

The rest of the night was uneventful. The dreaded Kiwis to Kiwis game went about as well as it could have. The conversation stuck to the cards. There wasn’t anything in the cards that brought back distressing memories. It was perhaps a little awkward. It was clear that something had happened between Garnet and Pearl. Garnet knew her give away was body language. No matter how many times she adjusted she consistently found herself angling her corporation away from Pearl. Garnet’s other tells that she was aware of included being overly stiff and periodically and covertly glancing at Pearl from the corners of her eyes rather than looking at her straight on. The eye tells are why she preferred opaque visors. 

Pearl had appeared at 8:40 pm on the dot, outwardly appearing put together, if still a little frantic. She made light conversation around the table but didn’t call on Garnet directly. Garnet made attempts to be proactive in the conversation. Laying out the next topic, or getting Steven or Amethyst to expound on a certain point. This way she could contribute to the conversation, and meet the social obligation to engage in it, without sharing anything that even approaches vulnerability.

At the end of the game night, with Amethyst and Steven reigning victorious, Pearl and Amethyst went down to the kitchen to finish cleaning and because of Amethyst’s want for a nighttime snack. Garnet stayed with Steven. 

Garnet tucked Steven into bed and regaled him with a story about a heroic Sapphire who saved a battle-worn Ruby from the avian menace many humans now call geese. Steven found it delightful and parts made him laugh, but he slowly stilled and drifted to sleep.

Garnet kissed Steven's temple “Sweet Dreams, Cutie Pie,” she whispered. 

She stood up and exited Steven's room, and pulled the door shut quietly behind her. 

Garnet had decided to go back to her room in the temple tonight. And perhaps every night from now on. 

She heard low voices in the kitchen. Amethyst and Pearl were talking there. Amethyst and Pearl had grown closer since…well, since the incident. 

She should be grateful Pearl and Amethyst were getting along better. There was less bickering and less dissing, though Garnet was sure much of that ‘went over her head’ or, as the humans say on the internet, ‘r/whoosh’ ed her. They were both good at hiding digs at each other in otherwise innocuous statements. This strengthened bond should make her happy. 

Now it just made her feel alienated. 

“Where are you going, Garnet?” asked Amethyst, as Garnet walked through the kitchen to get some cookies to take with her. She tears off some parchment paper Pearl kept on a roll in one of the top kitchen drawers. 

“To my room in the temple,” said Garnet. She selects two cookies and wraps each one in a sheet of parchment paper. 

“Weren't you just over there?” asked Amethyst. Pearl’s eyes darted between them. She slid out of the kitchen, leaving just Garnet and Amethyst.

Garnet sighed. “Yes, I was,” she said. “I need to rest and I want to do it there.” 

“You sure you want to be alone? Or that you should be alone?” said Amethyst, pressing further. “You didn't look well this morning and you’re looking rough now to be honest with you. Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”

Garnet went tense. She had done that already. And she knew she needed to again, but that thought was overpowered by the result of emotional exhaustion, overstimulation, and Padparadschas' know what else.

“No,” Garnet responded defiantly. She felt extremely defensive. It felt as if her mouth moved not of her own volition. Her voice sounded strange in her ears  “I do not want to talk about it. And yes, I want to be alone.” 

“Well, okay Garnet,” said Amethyst, relenting. Holding her  hands up and giving Garnet space.  "Give me the clearance for entering your room. Crystal Gem Safety Protocol or at least it should be one. I’ll leave you alone til tomorrow. And I never wake up before 11am, promise.” 

Garnet stalks to the training room, and returns with a datakey; she pressed the key into Amethyst’s palm and closed Amethyst’s fist around it using her own hand. Garnet tilted her shades down and met Amethyst’s eyes, still holding her hand closed, “This key is for just you, Amethyst. Only you.”

“I can do that unless something catastrophic happens.”

“That’s unlikely,” said Garnet, retracting her hand.

“Well, I go about life not knowing what is next 97% of the time. Whenever you want to talk I’m here. You know where to find me, if you don’t; I’ll come find you.” Amethyst tucked the datakey into her top.

Garnet swiftly headed to the door. Wasn’t that exactly what she wanted, thought Garnet. To talk with Amethyst? To clear the air? To seek understanding. That was exactly what Garnet wanted.

So why then was she sprint-walking away from her and hiking it back to her room to be alone? 

Maybe it was Garnet who was isolating herself.

Chapter Text

That night, Garnet chose to sleep. She did not engage in it often because she preferred to do other things during her resting hours. But sometimes, sleep is the only appropriate action.

Her room didn’t have a bed, in fact her room was mostly composed of colorful crystals with a stone platform in the middle. However, it was a permanent room, unlike other fusions. When she initially joined the Crystal Gems, Rose had it set up that way for her, as a perma-fusion. She had control over the room and had fashioned a stone desk and had what one may call a ‘nest’ among a few other things. 

In their time exploring earth after Ruby and Sapphire ran away from homeworld, they fell in love with the beauty of the earth and the life on it. Sapphire was drawn to colorful birds and she enjoyed watching them make their nests and set up their homes with their mate and hatch their fledglings. Garnet had fashioned a bedding based off of those nests, made of different things throughout the years. In this era, it was mostly pillows and blankets, but she also had some animal pelts of centuries past that still remained soft and inviting.

When she woke up, her internal chronometer let her know that it was around 7 am. Steven would be waking up in an hour or two, and she typically would join him for breakfast. Not to eat, but to greet him in the morning and mill about with the Crystal Gems.

In all honesty, she wasn’t ready to do that. Last night ended on a disastrous note.

Garnet had acquired some human technology. One of these things was a tablet. On Homeworld, they would call it something along the lines of a data pad. Data pads were more advanced than the humans' computers. Even 6,000 years ago before humans could even dream of a tablet.

But tablets outclassed data pads in a multitude of ways as well. 

Both can be used for work and communication, and the data pad did those things better. But tablets could be used for entertainment and creativity, in a way data pads could not compete. Most tablets show an array of color, while the vast majority of data pads were monochrome. 

Jamie, the mail carrier, hosted an event called a yard sale a few months ago. She inquired about the human data pad and he gifted it to her. She was going to return it before he said “No Romo. You did me a solid. I’m actually selling things because I am taking a long term trip to break into theater in Kansas. There’s something in it for me too. He explained that it was a ‘laptop’ computer that could be folded in half to use as a data pad. He insisted on giving her two controllers. One that was a movable clicker controller named after an earth rodent, a mouse. There was one at the house but this one was hers. The other was a controller for video games.

Jamie welcomed her to join his Minecraft server. He offered to come over and teach her how the laptop worked. His intensity had changed but interacting with him was still awkward. Garnet assured him that she had dealt with much more complex technology regularly. She took the two handed controller and assured him that she could figure it out. She also joined Jamie’s Minecraft server where she now had an accurate replica of the cloud arena.

Garnet kept it in her room in the temple. Connie ran through the basics with Steven and Garnet. And Garnet was able to take it and run with it from there. Steven likes to join her on games so his father bought him a second controller so that they could play ‘appropriate’ video games together. Greg approved all Steven sanctioned games.

Today, Garnet was using it to type up a document.

A documentation of unfortunate events.

She did not want to. But in the long run, this would be the most effective option. 

Explaining that week with the repeat incidences of that and the chaos of the following week that she, and her components were at the center of the destruction felt overwhelming. Pearl may have done it, thought Garnet, but I am the reason why things don’t feel right for anyone.. This hasn’t ever just been a “Garnet” problem, this was a team issue from the start. Because everyone is feeling the effects. 

And. She. Had. to. leave that for later.

Because right now, she was writing up a document.

A documentation of very unfortunate events.

Speaking to Greg about this had been draining enough. Garnet did not want to explain all of that again when she spoke to Vidalia. She realized she could use the tablet to write it out when she was alone, and could simply hand the tablet to Vidalia.

But what to start with. How would she get Vidalia and whoever else she needed to share with, to understand. 

She’d need to explain more than when she spoke to Greg, who already had context. Who knew Garnet’s context? Vidalia had some, but she didn’t know Garnet well, nor did Amethyst have much of the context about the stigma of fusion and Garnet’s place on Homeworld. Garnet tapped her fingers on her desk. She would have to explain some of Homeworld too.

Garnet quickly became aware that this wasn’t going to be a one day task. She would need to select one thing.     

Fusion.

She’d have to explain fusion. And since it was her story, she got to say what fusion was from her perspective. 

This should be rather simple. Garnet has put on full lesson plans on fusions and fusing etiquette and what fusing meant.

But that was defined by Garnet. Her definition was one of the *supposed* stances as Crystal Gems. Garnet drafted the Crystal Gems’ fusion guidelines and typed it out with her own two fingered taps. Rose Quartz supported her but encouraged Garnet to take the lead. Garnet knew those guidelines well.

But that didn’t mean her teammates thought the same thing. And Garnet's understanding spat in the face of what Homeworld thought about fusion as well; What the majority of Gems thought of it.

What is fusion? 

Garnet felt dizzy. She didn't know anymore. Maybe this wasn't a simple task. 

She Had Known.

She hated this sense of doubt. Garnet knows her truth. This doubt, a sharp toothed creature eating away at her core, felt like it belonged to someone else. It made her feel like she was someone else, and it felt wrong. If fusion was supposed to be what Garnet once knew it to be, what happened to her was pretty bad. If fusion was something else, then maybe Garnet was wrong or was overreacting to the situation. She couldn’t accept that, despite a part of her desperately wanting to, but the thought challenged her whenever she thought of fusion outside of her system. Which, when the intrusive thought was at its worst, made her question the nature of herself. She didn’t want to fuse with any Gem outside of herself. That felt like someone else too.

She stared at the open word processor on her screen. The cursor blinked at the top left of the empty document.

She focused back on the task at hand. It only made sense to write what she thought it had been. What she hoped she still knew fusion was.   

Putting some trust in the wisdom of the person she once was. She would define fusion. What was it and how it felt. She could do that. She already had done that.

Garnet would save the mal-examples like the Cluster, Malachite, and even Sardonyx for another time. Garnet clenched and relaxed her hands when she realized she harbored some negative feelings toward the fusion as well. Well, of course she did.

Garnet worked on the document, heavily relying on the lessons she made for Steven. She was done in about 1.5 hours.
The process had taken a lot of energy, but in a way, it had been reassuring. The lessons made sense. Especially the recent ones she made for Steven. Healthy, respectful, joyful experiences are what she wanted for him. And for him never to experience something like this. To never do something like this. 

It didn’t fix her doubt, but her reasoning for healthy, respectful, fusion made sense. Stevonnie was a beautiful fusion created of a healthy, respectful, relationship. She was proud of Steven and Connie. Those guidelines had worked for them. As it had worked with Ruby and Sapphire. At minimum, Garnet’s reasoning on healthy fusion had some basis in reality. That was consoling.

Okay, she was done for today. It was difficult, but doable. Tomorrow, she'll tackle Homeworld. After that, the Hub and its aftermath.

_____

The next day went rather smoothly. Garnet managed through Steven's training. Things had been quieter between the Gems, but things were tranquil, if not peaceful.

Amethyst made overtures to speak with her and Garnet responded. She was less verbose than usual, but she came across balanced.  Her interactions with Pearl were mostly secondary. Pearl was clearly giving her space. They could engage in the same conversation well enough and speak briefly when appropriate. Pearl didn’t drag it out, didn’t mope, never once pestered her about the emotional mess between them. 

Garnet felt a spike of guilt and resentment thinking how any stiltedness from herself would read as unjustifiably spiteful. Perhaps it would be.

But things were fine. As fine as they could be. She could be fine too.   

They went on a minor mission to bubble some corrupted Gems that went off without a hitch. She didn't recognize any of her comrades among those she bubbled. Her team worked cohesively. Steven did very well and Amethyst took him to the arcade in celebration. 

Garnet had felt mostly okay, especially after having some physical distance from her stressors, even if some of the distance was imaginary. She spent another night at the Temple too, taking some time to work on her document.

Writing about Homeworld was less challenging than she thought it would be. Homeworld was wrong on so many counts and it was easier for her to dismiss what they thought.

Some of it still ached, however. Old wounds made raw by recent events. But it didn’t overpower her. Homeworld did not hold power over her and never had. Her creation was the catalyst for Her, Sapphire, and Ruby’s rebellion. She took pride in that.

She chose to sleep last night again. It was dreamless and restoring. This morning, she had a difficult task in front of her. 

Today, she’d be writing about the Hub and her relationship with Pearl. She would approach Vidalia after that. Garnet wouldn’t allow herself to procrastinate. 

Steven informed her last night that he would be with Connie and her parents all of today so it was the perfect time to attempt the worst of it. She didn’t go to the house this morning to see him off, but said her goodbye last night. She’d make an appearance at the house for Amethyst’s sake after getting through this. Hopefully, this would be the last session. It would certainly be the most difficult. 

Explaining the events was hard. The memories came with feelings attached. She dreaded the parts she knew would be the hardest, and was surprised by things that hurt unexpectedly. The most challenging part was that she had to write about her feelings about the events. And that required some painful introspection. Realizing the deception had been bad. The excuses made it worse. And unlike the deceptions before, Garnet got to experience the rage, in real time, as Pearl…and Amethyst…made them.

Wait! Let me explain! It really was Peridot! T-The first time…

There was very little to explain other than ‘why’. And Garnet hadn’t cared about that at the time. Obviously it was Peridot the first time, why try to obfuscate what Pearl herself had done. At least own up to it! Cowardice. The Pearl she knew hadn’t been a coward. They’d all been changed by Rose’s death but certainly their ethics didn’t just die with her.

We just needed a reason to fuse

Who was ‘we,’ certainly not Garnet. Garnet fused for reasons but didn’t need reasons to fuse. Pearl felt she needed a reason to fuse with Garnet and would do anything short of asking her to do it. Pearl’s sentence increased her rage, even as she typed about it from her computer. Garnet didn’t think about it at the time, but even after being caught deceiving Garnet, she was still willing to manipulate to avoid her anger. Who was this? Certainly not the Pearl she befriended long ago.

Fighting through that, Garnet continued to write.

Fusing with you is like our one chance to feel... stronger!

And Garnet was... Damn it. She was not a tool to make anyone stronger. And she wasn’t as strong as they thought. Certainly they had some idea now. She had disappointed them, and felt disappointed in herself. On another hand, she did want to disillusion them. Disillusionment isn’t too far from disappointment.

But she couldn’t shirk her responsibility and she was cracking under it. Spiraling downward despite her best efforts. If only she were actually that strong. 

It was past time to stop. She was hugging herself unconsciously.

Her mind was loud enough to block out sound. It was entirely overstimulating but could not be externally addressed. 

She needed to do something. When her mind got like this she only had a few moments to act.  She stood up abruptly, still clutching her arms, and walked stiffly over to her nest. She sat down in the middle of it and tried to come back to herself. She felt far away. Despondent. She eventually gathered the mental strength to wrap one of the heavy fur pelts around her shoulders and brought her knees into her self-embrace.

That was about it. She could feel the pressure of the heavy pelt and it was calming. She clutched it and herself like a lifeline. The world around her continued, the circulating air in her room was evidence of it, but Garnet was frozen. Perfectly still. Tranquil, but not at peace. Like her mind had shut down.

Time must have passed. Garnet on some distant level was aware of that. She couldn’t or wouldn’t dare move from her spot. She was stuck. 

“Hey yo, Garnet,” exclaimed a voice. Amethyst, Garnet identified. Amethyst was knocking on her door. “You in there?”

Garnet heard Amethyst but was still unable to speak, unable to move. 

“Garnet,” said Amethyst. “You've been acting weird. If you can't answer me I’m gonna have to come in.” 

Garnet didn't move. 

“Garnet, can you knock on the door?” asked Amethyst “Like, knock twice if you’re okay.”

Garnet still didn’t move. 

The door slid open. 

“Are you good?” asked Amethyst, stepping through the doorway. She paused for a moment, and then Garnet could register familiar footfalls approaching her.

Garnet didn't answer. She could hear Amethyst, she understood what she was saying. But Garnet couldn't answer. Couldn't look at her, move, or respond in any way.

She needed time for this to pass. It always did. It left her feeling drained, but if she stayed still enough, nothing bad would happen. Nothing explosive would occur and eventually Garnet would rebound. Implosion was less obviously destructive but, as she had recently learned, was just as impactful on her surrounding environment. If Amethyst prodded too much Garnet just might externalize her inner turmoil. She'd rather not unload that on Amethyst for Amethyst’s sake and for Garnet’s own pride. 

“Taking that as a no,” said Amethyst, slowly. Her footsteps stopped in front of Garnet from where she sat in her nest. 

She reached toward her. Garnet flinched away from her. 

“Okay,” said Amethyst “I won't touch you.” She said, dropping her hand. “Let's try something else. Something a human friend taught me.”

 “Just bear with me okay. You don’t even have to say anything back. Look for five things you can see,” guided Amethyst.

Five things she could see?

She wrestled for control of her neck and looked up. There was Amethyst now crouching in front of her ready to meet her eyes. Garnet instinctively looked away, she saw her desk, 2 decorative crystal formations, and a drawing she had of the four of them drawn by Steven, age 4, she displayed on her wall.  That was five.

She looked back at Amethyst. Longer this time. 

“How about four things you can touch?” posed Amethyst.

Garnet was touching a few things. The heavy pelt she had clenched around her, her own form, strong thighs pressed to her abdomen and her crossed forearms wrapped across her knees, there was a firm, yet soft pillow cushion beneath her. At a loss for a fourth thing, she unfolded one of her arms and used a single finger to tap Amethyst’s shoe.

Amethyst let out a huff that could have been laughter if there’d been more joy in it. “Now three things you can hear.”

Sitting up a bit straighter, Garnet closed her eyes again. Not tightly in frustration or to hold back tears but to hone her focus on what she could hear in her rather still room.

“I can totally count as one of these things,” said Amethyst.” But you picked up on that already.”

There was the voice of Amethyst, the sound of water falling from a small fountain located there, and the stirring of the air around her. That was more of a sensing that involved hearing to a small degree, but wasn’t required. For the purpose of the exercise it would count.

She opened her eyes and looked at Amethyst openly. She rearranged and now sat in the position Steven and Greg called ‘criss-cross applesauce’. ‘Criss-cross’ made sense. Applesauce did not; At least not as a seating position. Garnet was not fond of applesauce unless it was strawberry.

She came to the conclusion that the position was called that because it rhymed and humans, especially human children, were fond of rhymes. Using the phrase was very efficient to get Steven to sit down when it was time to focus on something for many years.

“Two things you can smell,” said Amethyst, recapturing Garnet’s attention. “That one might be a little hard. Luckily for you, I tried a new shampoo! Jenny said it would help it not to tangle. Not sure why I need to worry about tangles when I can shape shift. Something about Grandma Nanefua thinking I’m a ragamuffin…whatever that means, so she wants to give me home training…whatever that is.  I can brush it now though! Having my hair brushed is almost up there with eating food.”

Amethyst’s hair did look a little different. At one point during Garnet’s time on Earth, she’d worn her hair straight. Neither Sapphire or Ruby had straight hair so it was really a concerted effort on Garnet’s part to get her hair straight. And that involved combing it. It’s not like Gems don’t comb their hair should they have it. Sapphire was assigned a Gem to take care of her hair for her and Rubies were rough and tumble, sure, but certainly kept their hair tidy and uniform as they were required to. No creativity to be expressed there, but that’s Homeworld for you. But Amethyst wasn’t exactly formed and raised in society. Garnet brushed and untangled it sometimes. Braided it after or else the process would have been reversed by the next morning. It was a nice way to spend time together. They hadn’t done that in a while. She found that she missed it

Garnet carded her fingers through Amethyst’s hair, gently and with an unexpected level of ease. Jenny Pizza really had accomplished what Garnet never could. She smelled it, she did not know the scent but it was natural and sweet, and let go. 

Garnet stood up and took some brave steps to her desk. She opened the top draw and pulled out a lighter. She used it to light the candle in the short, fat, cylindrical jar that sat on her desk. She put the lighter away and returned to the nest holding the candle. She took a deep whiff of the scent

The candle was scented to smell like petrichor. The scent that accompanies the rain in the spring and summer. Ruby, Sapphire, and Garnet had spent much time on Earth after escaping/abandoning Blue Diamonds Court out in nature. It reminded her of those early days. Her early days. To her, petrichor was the scent of blossoming love. The scent reminded them of Ruby and Sapphire's love for each other and of Garnet’s becoming and of Garnet’s blossoming love for herself. 

Garnet continues to breathe in the scent and exhale. Holding the warming jar in her hands and fixating on the flickering flame.

“And one thing you can taste,” said Amethyst. She held out her hands to take the candle and Garnet let her take it.

“Ow hot!” she said putting the candle down a safer distance from the bedding. She then pressed something into one of Garnet’s now empty hands.

Garnet looked down, it was a lollipop. She looked at Amethyst. 

“Eat it,” said Amethyst. “It's supposed to help. Engaging all your senses. We just did the ones humans have, not sure I have the expertise to make a Gem one. Or like, a Garnet one.”

Well, the rest certainly had helped. Garnet unwrapped the sucker and placed it in her mouth. It wasn’t entirely pleasant. Hard candy didn’t appeal to her, but she would consume it anyway. The wrapper informed her the taste was intended to approximate the flavor of an orange. While there must certainly be many different types of oranges, this tasted more like the fruit of some unfortunate planet Homeworld stripped long ago. Rubies got assignments all over and sometimes they’d trade little things they had picked up. That planet had intelligent life on it. The fruit Ruby had tried was preserved. 

Amethyst and Garnet sat silently for a few moments. 

“You want to tell me what that was about?” asked Amethyst after a while. 

Garnet signaled ‘no’ with her hands. She was present with Amethyst and could respond but she still couldn't speak. Speech was always one of the last things to come back to her after shutting down like that. She also just wasn't ready to share. She simply pushed herself too hard in trying to complete the task. Perhaps it wouldn’t have been procrastination if she had taken another day or two to do it. She never really knew when she would have time. Their lives were unpredictable. 

‘You should have been able to do it’ she thought, unhelpfully and involuntarily.

She physically shook the thought from her mind. She couldn’t help thinking those thoughts, but she could, at least temporarily, dismiss them. Those thoughts didn’t do anyone any good, especially  herself. 

“Seriously girlfriend,” said Amethyst. “Something is seriously wrong and I wouldn't be a very good friend if I didn't tell ya and didn't try to help.” 

Thinking quickly, Garnet got her laptop and flipped it into tablet mode. She tapped the screen for a few moments.

“You don't get it,” said Garnet with the AAC application on her tablet. . 

“You haven’t even told me what it is yet,” said Amethyst, folding her arms. Her face still displayed her worry. 

“We already talked about it,” said Garnet. She wasn’t still mad. She just couldn’t go there right now. Not with everything else feeling so fresh. “I am not ready to talk about it again. Thank you for helping me, Amethyst.”

“Okay Garnet. You don’t have to share,” relented Amethyst, plopping down next to her. Looking out in front of her, in the same direction Garnet was facing.  “But there is something else I learned from a human friend that I want to share.”

Garnet looked to the side to see Amethyst. Amethyst continued to look forward, which Garnet preferred. Eye contact always makes things more intense. 

“With the communication hub…” Amethyst began.

Garnet held her herself tighter. 

“I am sorry for jumping in to explain Pearl's actions,” said Amethyst, shoulders slumping. “I am not sorry for trying to calm things down. Steven was right there and he needed that. But I know that fusion is a super big deal to you. I enjoy when we fuse, yes. It makes me feel stronger as well. But I don’t, and I won’t, manipulate you into it because I respect you. And, I mean, I wouldn’t have liked to be tricked into that either. I just…You're a Gem like the rest of us. Not untouchable or unshakeable. No one is. Sorry for thinking that. And you're clearly hurting real bad right now, Garnet. Honestly,  you've been off for a while, I just didn't want to bother you about it and figured you’d want space. That was a mistake. You need support too. Someone looking out for you.”

Garnet inclined her head once. That was exactly what she had wanted to hear, but she was afraid of accepting it. Did Amethyst mean that? Garnet felt very small then. Had she in some way let Amethyst down?. Garnet frowned and dismissed the thought. That wasn’t what Amethyst was saying nor was it implied that’s what she meant in any way Garnet could detect. Amethyst was seeing her. It felt too naked. But it was what she needed. What she needed desperately.

“You...ah,” said Amethyst “Hug yourself a lot. When you are happy and when you’re upset. I’m glad you have you. But I am the bear hug expert of the Crystal Gems if not all of Beach City. Offer is open if you’d like one.”

Garnet of course felt contraindicated feelings about that. Before she could stop herself she met Amethyst’s eyes and used her hands to signal ‘yes’ and more than that ‘affirmation’. It was as close as one could get to please in Gem sign.

Amethyst pulled Garnet in enthusiastically. Amethyst was quite strong. Garnet could throw a much better punch, but Amethyst gave the most perfect hugs. While Amethyst is short, she was still very much a Quartz, who typically have strong arms, and broad backs. She supposed some people would find it too tight, but to Garnet it was just right. After a moment she brought herself to return it.

“Can you,” whispered Garnet into Amethyst’s ear. She used her physical voice with some evident difficulty. “Not mention this to Pearl and Steven?” 

“I won't,” said Amethyst, partially releasing Garnet to meet her gaze, still using her hands to tightly squeeze Garnet’s thinner upper arms. “As long as you're not in danger. Like do you need to sit out on missions for a while? No offense, but I don't think you're fit for duty like this.”

“What choice do we have,” asked Garnet, using her device. “There are only four of us and Steven is a child who is still learning his abilities.”

“We can manage,” said Amethyst. “We’ll have to. Pearl used to lead and it's about time she steps up and shoulders more of this. I’ll spare you the deets, but we’ve talked about this recently and she agreed. I can definitely pull some more weight too. And Greg has proved himself on the tech side of things, when we finally gave him the chance.”

Garnet stiffened at the thought of Pearl being in charge. Pearl had been a good leader, but she had changed. Would she make sure that Steven was safe? And what was Garnet supposed to do all day?

“And I promise to watch out for Steven,” promised Amethyst. “We've gotten pretty stable with Opal too, so try not to worry too much, okay?” 

Garnet wasn't sure about that. She didn't currently trust Pearl to make good decisions or to teach Steven how to make good decisions. Not that she had any more say in his upbringing than her. Amethyst…she had less reason not to. But Amethyst wasn't the most experienced. 

Then again, Garnet hadn't been at one point either. She managed to step it up because she had to.  It pained her to think about but, realistically, Garnet was aware that she was a liability like this. It very well may be Amethyst’s “had to” moment. Garnet just had to trust her, just as Amethyst once had to put her trust in Garnet after Rose sacrificed herself to make Steven.

“I understand,” Garnet relented, feeling ill.

If this had been Amethyst, Garnet would have made the same call. Perhaps she should have made this call for Pearl at some point? Garnet doesn’t know if that would have done anything. Was all this in part due to a bad call on Garnet’s part? If she had been more in tune with and aware of her friends insecurities this could have been prevented. A better team leader probably would have. She didn’t mean to go down this thought path.

Forcing herself back to her original train of thought, she recognized how much Amethyst had matured to be able to make a decision like that. Amethyst exerting a measure of authority was a relief. If Garnet wasn't so fraught, she'd be proud. Garnet tapped on her device. “If something major happens, you will alert me,” she stated. 

“Yeah,” agreed Amethyst. “Totally. If we think we may be outmatched by something, I'll let you know first thing. Promise.” Amethyst held up her smallest finger. Garnet reciprocated hooking hers around Amethyst. Steven showed her the ‘pinky swear’ ritual, so she understood the significance of the oath.

“I was writing,” explained Garnet, answering Amethyst’s previous question of what was going on with her. “So I don't have to explain myself many times. About how I am doing and what is happening.” 

“To not have to explain what’s going on many times with us?” asked Amethyst. 

“No. To get help,” said Garnet with her tablet. “Elsewhere.”

“Like counseling?” said Amethyst.

Garnet inclined her head again. Something like that, she thought. 

There was that vulnerable feeling again, but it wasn't as painful as before and not nearly as embarrassing. She wanted to be seen as a person, someone that could be hurt, someone who needed them as much as they needed her. 

But she didn't want to be seen as weak or pitiable. The last thing she wanted was to be dismissed or belittled. Future vision assured her that Amethyst would not, but that did not ease her. Seeking help exemplified that Garnet was still responsible, she reminded herself. Amethyst would likely see it that way too. Garnet wasn't just repressing this. She was fixing this. She would fix herself. With some help. 

“That's not a bad idea, Garnet,” said Amethyst, half-smiling. “I can sit with you. Y’know, as you write. I won't even look to see what it's about. Just to help you out if it’s too stressful.”

So Amethyst was deciding to humor her. Pretending she didn't know until Garnet was ready to tell her. Garnet found that she appreciated that. She wasn’t used to being humored. In most cases it would be annoying, but here it felt kind.

Garnet tapped on her screen for a bit, and pressed play to speak. 

“I need a break,” said Garnet. She absolutely could not write anymore right now. She was starting to get a headache despite having no physiological reason too.

Speaking with Amethyst gave her an incomprehensible mix of feelings Garnet couldn't quite identify. Garnet did know that she didn't want Amethyst to leave.

“Can you stay?” asked Garnet, drawing her index fingers across and down the edges of her device. She was grateful she was using it to speak. Using her physical voice would have sounded even more desperate. Not that she wasn’t desperate.

“Sure thing!” said Amethyst, enthusiastically. Thankfully. “Wanna play Street Fighter? I can grab a data pad and you can message me there. And the offer is still there. If or whenever you want me too.” 

Garnet handed Amethyst a video game controller. And started setting up her laptop for the game. “Alright! I’ll go get my TV and we can play on the big screen” said Amethyst. “I call dibs on El Fuerte!

Chapter Text

Perhaps sleeping was becoming a bad habit. She didn’t need it, she was avoiding being conscious. Which had backfired spectacularly. Garnet felt as if she had hardly rested at all.

Last night, she did dream. Humans called dreams like that nightmares.

Garnet dreamed she was in the compactor again with Pearl. Everything had gone much the same as it did in real life. They formed Sardonyx to escape their doom. In the dream, Garnet viscerally didn’t want to. But the dream marched on.

Sardonyx drilled through the box, and suddenly they were on the beach at night. This was strange but Garnet or Ruby and Sapphire, she wasn’t sure, initiated defusing. But they couldn’t.

Pearl wouldn’t let them go.

They should have been able to overpower her. They knew that, but they were bound into Sardonyx. Discordant, internally separate, but the three of them were one in body and there was no privacy in their minds.

Garnet struggled but it was futile. Watery arms rose out of the sea and chained them. They could do nothing as they were dragged screaming into the sea.

Though now awake, she shivered.

After an hour or so of meditation, her mind was clear enough to head toward the house.

“Hey Garnet,” said Steven. “There was something I wanted to ask about.”

“It’s Peridot,” said Steven. “We bubbled her mid-sentence and I think she may have been saying something important. I think we should unbubble her to find out. It could be really important.”

“I am not sure we can believe anything she tells us,” said Garnet. “But, if we’re careful, we can check.”

“Great, let’s...”

“My apologies, Steven,” said Garnet. “I cannot check with you. Pearl and Amethyst may.”

“Why not?” asked Steven.

“I’ve been benched,” said Garnet matter-of-factly. “Amethyst made the call and I agreed with her. I’m sorry, Steven.”

“No, no. Don’t be,” said Steven. “I’ll go ask them. I’m. I’m glad you’re taking a break. Bye-bye
Garnet!” He dashed off somewhere. Presumably to find Amethyst and Pearl.

“How’s it going?” asked Greg as he entered the living room. Garnet met his eyes

“As expected, being benched is difficult, especially if there are tasks with a level of risk. Though, when I think about it, there is always some level of risk.”

“Will Steven be in any danger on this mission?”

“Not that I can see,” said Garnet. “The immediate risk is minimal. This mission going wrong has a chance of making things harder in the future.”

“Do you think they can handle it?”

“I cannot say. Looking towards the future is stressing me out. My Vision is corrupted,” said Garnet.

Damn, she thought. She was typically very good at not doing that. It had happened in the earliest days after they became one and before they became Garnet With Garnet’s Future Vision showing likely probabilities, Sapphire’s reliance on her future vision to calm her anxiety, and Ruby’s anxiety of not knowing what to do when her loved ones were possibly in danger, created a very ugly form of anxiety which corrupts her Future Vision so that it only shows the worst scenarios with no indication of probability or even validity. It was completely unusable. It didn’t happen often but she hated when she was reminded by the response.

“Okay. How about you come with me to the car wash?” said Greg. “It would give you something to do?”

“What would I do at a car wash?” puzzled Garnet.

“We squeegee the car windows before they go through the automatic car wash and help guide them into the track that will pull the car through. No worries, it’s easy. I’ll show you what to do.”

Garnet stood up to prepare to go.

“While we're at it, we may be able to replace those car brushes with the ones we picked up in Keystone. I’m not quite tall or strong enough to handle it without hiring a few people. Now, I can just hire you!”

“We’ll see about that,” said Garnet.

________

In the end, Garnet decided the Car Wash wasn’t too bad. While she was benched, she would have a ‘day job’. She now had money, and little idea what to do with it. Perhaps she could buy a new video game or a gift for Steven or take herselves to get shaved ice. They could use a date night. She could probably do all of these things.

They stayed at the car wash from morning to early afternoon.

“Great work today!” said Greg, as they completed their journey back home. “Though you customer service skills could use some work.” he said more quietly rubbing the back of his neck. “And I really appreciate your help with changing those brushes.”

Garnet took it upon herself to prepare lunch for her human friend. As a show of thanks for his support, which she was really grateful for. It did not escape her notice to see that Greg had been around her more to try to help her be okay.

It was a simple lunch; a sandwich with pickles, tomatoes, and mayonnaise on rye. She did not fix anything for herself, but did consume one of her cookies which she did share with Greg.

They talked about a number of things, namely music.

“I think you'd like Estelle,” said Greg. “She has a great modern R&B and Funk style, and I enjoy her music quite a lot.”

“I will,” said Garnet. “ Have you ever listened to Janelle Monae? You're a big fan of Prince as well and they are his protege. She is experimental with genres and they cross into rock often and use rock influences in their work. Her main influences are Prince and David Bowie, but she definitely has her own style.”

“I’ve heard her song with Prince but I haven't checked out their independent work.”

“ I suggest starting with her ArchAndroid album,” said Garnet. “It’s the most Rock influenced album they've put out, I think you would like it a lot.”

“I'm sure I will,” said Greg. “ I enjoy most of the music you recommend.”

Garnet nodded. “I enjoy much of the music you have suggested to me as well.”

She couldn’t share the exact same sentiment with Greg that he gave to her, because Garnet wasn't a fan of artists yelling over the mic in a way that Greg seemed to find appealing or at least he didn't mind. He did often set her on the right path in further developing her taste in human music. Especially as he grew familiar with her preferences. She would be forever grateful to him for introducing her to Jimi Hendrix.

“Say, how do you listen to music off that mp3 we got you?” asked Greg. “Do you always use the speaker attachment? You don’t exactly have ears.”

“Trade secret,” said Garnet with a side smile.

“Hey Garnet, have you spoken to Vidalia yet?” asked Greg.

Garnet cringed at her own procrastination. She hadn't finished her document but she hadn't exactly been working on it consistently either. It was difficult to the point that she wondered if it would have been better to just speak to her about it.

“No,” said Garnet. “I've been… procrastinating. My intent has been to write out a document with what I would like to say to her, so that I don't have to repeat myself whenever I have to tell the series of events, but it has been very difficult and admittedly distressing. This has led me to put it off.”

“Do you mind sitting with me as I finish it?” asked Garnet. “I think it would be less overwhelming if I had some support. Someone to talk it through with.”

“Sure thing Garnet,” said Greg. “I have time now and everyone else is out at the moment.”

“I will be back shortly with my computer.”

______

Garnet arrived back at the house with her computer. She did not go over what she had written with Greg as she had already spoken with him about the vast majority of it. She instead told him where she had left off. The confrontation in the waste compactor with Pearl.

“The ‘apology’ wasn’t reconciliatory,” said Garnet, fingers lightly grazing the keys. “I didn’t feel understood. Not in the slightest.”

“I remember you said that,” said Greg. “That it wasn’t a true apology.”

A voice echoed through Garnet’s mind.

I couldn’t help it.

That was the worst part of it all. It made her feel violently ill. Like being hit with a disrupter. Because if Pearl couldn’t help it, what would stop her from similar actions? Hurting her again, or worse, someone else. Her immediate reaction was to call it an excuse. And it was an excuse; Pearl had free will. She chose to violate Garnet on her own volition. But she hadn’t always had free will. How much was affected by Pearl’s programming? Something Pearl didn’t choose. Something she really couldn’t help.

“She said she couldn’t help it,” Garnet nearly whispered, breathless, fingers continuing to record her thoughts. “I cannot describe how that makes me feel. I think I understand why she said it, but it makes me ill when I recall it. I know that’s not quite true but I believe it at times.” She tapped out what she said, almost verbatim.

I’m just a Pearl.

“She did have a point,” said Garnet. “There are also mitigating circumstances. She is quite used to being made to feel ‘not enough’ on her own, where we are from. I didn’t experience that to the same extent. That programming is hard to break.” She left it vague, but it was the only thing that made the situation make sense. And, as far as she knew, it mentioned that was the only way to not defame Pearl unjustly in front of Greg, which she strongly felt she needed to avoid.

Sigh.

Garnet really hadn’t known that Pearl still felt that way. After all this time. After all they’d done.

Self-confidence hadn’t really been Garnet’s issue. Certainly she had a few moments where she lacked confidence. Communication with people outside her in group was a challenge. She’d sometimes panicked and said something bizarre to remove herself from the situation. But she still found worth in herself. Even in moments like those rarely did she feel shame. Brief embarrassment, sure. But shame, no. Garnet was not ashamed.

She loved herself. There was no one else Garnet would rather be. She wasn’t inferior to anyone. She was made of a loving relationship. Garnet knew what low self-confidence felt like. While she did not let it control her, Ruby dealt with it and Sapphire was readily affirming. In a way, that served to make Garnet self-assured. Garnet loved herself.

And Pearl did not. Pearl was programmed to find her worth in others. To accept subservience.

Of course she wanted to feel what Garnet did.

But, in her efforts, did Pearl have to take it from her?

Garnet still loved herself. She was still made of a loving relationship.

Loving partners who were grieving. Who had been disrupted. Who had briefly been torn apart in a way she hadn’t experienced before.

By the stars, Garnet loved who she was before these violations of body, mind and trust, more than who she was now.

“Maybe there were circumstances beyond the two of you that contributed to what she did to you. And yeah, her programming could play a role. For humans, it’s the same way. You had to break your own programming, right? I had to be a kinder father to Steven. So, I don’t think that excuses it,” pondered Greg.“But I also see what you mean. I’m not sure what to say.”

The same for humans? She hadn’t considered it before but she accepted it as true. Greg had spoken about how he grew up before. Years ago, when Steven was a baby. Greg did not act the way he mentioned his family did then. That was a sort of programming to break. He had proven his point about human fusion, he seemed to be right about this as well.

“That’s okay,” said Garnet. “I don’t expect you to. I don’t accept it either but I think it’s important to understand her actions more comprehensively."

“It could be,” said Greg. “But you are writing about how you feel, right?”

“Right,” said Garnet.

“So I don’t think you have to worry about writing Pearl’s side down,” said Greg. “What's important is how you felt. I get you may have feelings related to how Pearl was treated and how that affects your relationship now. But that’s probably another journaling session.”

Garnet almost mentioned needing to know so she could address the issue properly as the team leader. Before she could speak, she realized that, right now, she sort of wasn’t. Garnet felt unsettled by that, not for the first time today. Greg was correct. Garnet still thought it mattered and that she needed to fully understand it to address it, but knew that that couldn’t be priority right now. There was no way she could properly do anything to help Pearl deal with that now. Not when Garnet herself was in such disarray.

Instead of speaking, Garnet nodded her head.

“Journaling?” said Garnet. “Is that like keeping a log and making reports, but with personal information?”

“Yes, or at least it sounds right to me,” said Greg. “A bit like what you are doing now but not always so intense. A lot of the time it could be a log of your day and your thoughts and feelings you had throughout. Sometimes its writing on a specific feeling or event or conflict. It’s like our conversation in that way. Working it out with someone that you trust.”

“And if I don’t trust myself?” asked Garnet. She went back and forth on this incessantly, and it bothered her. The inconsistency bothered her immensely. It was no surprise that she thought this, but why did she have to say it aloud?

Greg frowned with some anger evident on his face. Perhaps he’d tired of hearing her essentially complain. She did not know the parameters of having a conversation regarding her own woes.

“Have I made an error?” asked Garnet. “I don’t want to overburden you with this…”

“Garnet, no. Not that,” said Greg, relaxing his face. “I am angry that you experienced something that hurt your sense of self trust.” He paused for a moment. “I guess you’ll have to learn to trust yourself more in the future. I believe in you that you can journal, should you continue in whatever manner you see fit. Personal Logs and Reports sound like a great place to start.”

Garnet furled her brows in thought. “Do all humans self-determine as you have, Greg?”

“No,” said Greg. “And it isn’t all their fault either. But, we often have some choice, and sometimes we eventually live under different circumstances that give us opportunity to change. I made an effort to be kinder, even when I lived with my family. When I moved out on my own, I learned about many different ways to live. I was free to choose differently. It was hard. I had to unlearn a lot of stuff too and I still don’t always get it right. But it’s still my responsibility. Some other humans never really get the opportunity.”

Garnet nodded again. That was one of the reasons for the Crystal Gems. On Homeworld, self-determination wasn’t nearly as possible as it was here on Earth. Perhaps Gems and humans weren’t as different as she once thought.

“For a lot of the Crystal Gems, including myself, that is the beauty of planet Earth. The ability to self-determine. But many times, Gems are still very much who they were formed to be. My experience is different in that way, as I became someone new. That’s not always a bad thing. I am a protector and a guide by nature, Pearl is meticulous and organized, this is related to the purpose we, Pearl, Ruby, and Sapphire that is, were created for.”

“Humans face expectations from their families to become who the group thinks they should be. Not always, but in my life it was the case. And to an extent, I did. My mother loves music. She’s a pianist and she taught me how to play it, and to read and write music. She even pushed back against my father to present me with my first guitar. She ah, even presented me with music I still hold dear. She has a private taste for rock and roll. The classic stuff. She didn’t think it was befitting for a DeMayo to do for a career. But I carry that with me. Despite our current estrangement, she really shaped who I am.”

Yes, Garnet thought. Just like that.

“But sometimes it’s not so good,” said Greg. “I was raised to be dependent on my family to make my life decisions for me. To let someone else determine my destiny. I think my parents meant well in some respects. They wanted me to have money to support a family. They wanted me to be successful and have a stable life. Which is not the life of a rockstar. Not the life of a man who partnered with a beautiful woman from the stars. Or even the father of a half-alien child. But I don’t regret my choices.”

“I wasn’t ready to speak to her yet,” admitted Garnet. “I think I would have said some different things. Especially if we weren’t in imminent danger. I am still not ready.”

“It’s not too late,” said Greg. “I think she’d listen when you’re more prepared down the road.”

Garnet was pretty sure that Pearl would too. Whether it would be meaningfully understood or not was another question.

“It is complete,” said Garnet, closing the device. “Thank you.”

_______

Garnet wished she had taken up Greg's offer of him calling Vidalia first. She had a second chance with Amethyst and should have asked her. That way, Garnet wouldn't have had to ask in person.

She stood up straighter, squared her shoulders, and rang the doorbell.

She heard movement on the other side of the door, and a click when it opened.

“Garnet,” greeted Vidalia. She was holding a small child on her hip. She knew that his name was Onion and Steven thought he was rather strange. “It's good to see you.

Garnet clenched her tablet in both hands.

and panicked.

“It is good to see you too. However, there is something that requires my immediate attention out of town. I do not own a car so I must start walking there now. Goodbye.”

Garnet spun around on her heel and headed in the opposite direction of her house. Truly planning on walking until she was in the next town over.

“Garnet,” shouted Vidalia. “It's okay. Please come back.”

Garnet paused and considered acting like she didn't hear her. She brushed the idea aside and returned to Vidalia's front door.

“Try breathing in for 10 seconds. Holding your breath for 10 seconds. exhaling for 10 seconds, and holding your breath for 10 seconds again,” said Vidalia. “Give it a try. I know you don't need to breathe but this is about self regulating.”

Garnet was increasingly embarrassed but did as she was told. After too long of a time, she wasn't panicking anymore.

“How…?”

“I am trained in teaching coping skills. If you mean how I knew you were struggling, Amethyst didn't go into detail but she mentioned you could be socially anxious. She was worried about me thinking you were rude when we met,” said Vidalia. “I didn't think you were rude at all. Just shy. So, what brings you by, Garnet?”

“I would like to schedule a time to speak to you regarding your Code of Ethics,” said Garnet. She cringed. This should have been a phone call. Not that Garnet did well on the phone. At all. But she could have tried. She sighed, perhaps it did need to be in person.

“My Code of Ethics?” said Vidalia. “I am not sure what you are talking about Garnet. Let’s take a few steps back. Why do you want to know about my ‘Code of Ethics’?”

“I experienced a violation,” said Garnet, switching to hold her under one of her arms so that she stim with her gemstone on the other hand. If she gripped the device any tighter, it may break. “Intimate violations. From a close friend. You work with that and have a Code of Ethics.

“If you have time right now,” said Vidalia. “We can talk. If you need more time that's okay too.”

“I have the time,” said Garnet.

“Why don't you come inside?” asked Vidalia. “It's near Onions' nap time. Take a seat in the kitchen and I'll be right there.”