Archive of Our Own ^beta

The day had fast approached. The day Garreg Mach would be attacked by the Adrestian Empire at the behest of its new Emperor. The preparations that went into this attack were too detailed, too organized to have been planned in a mere few days, let alone a fortnight. Edelgard had to have been planning this way before she had even set foot on the holy grounds of Garreg Mach Monastery.

It was too late to ponder each and every encounter she witnessed between the Imperial princess and her trusted companion. It was too late to be suspicious because even if she had felt unsettled and wary of their behavior over the course of her stay at the monastery, Byleth would have never thought to believe a war would be declared and that all the students would be forced to make a choice. A choice that would affect their lives for the upcoming moons: to fight for or against the Empire.

With confounding thoughts, Byleth had gone about her usual routine and finished her rounds through the church, speaking to the students to help ease their worries. Later, being summoned by Lady Rhea to discuss the happenings and plans for battle. And finally, meeting with her precious Golden Deer.

Prior to this gathering, she had already been feeling conflicted and even more so after. A heaviness to her chest she couldn't quite explain. It all started when they unmasked the Flame Emperor and had continued to grow through the days that led up to unavoidable battle. The feeling of there not being enough time. Enough time for what exactly, she couldn't put a name to; but, she had an inkling that it had to do with a mischievous fawn that made it his mission to uncover all of her supposed secrets.

If he hadn't been attached to her side prior to the reveal, then he most certainly was now. He discussed each and every notion he could think up in regard to the battle plans. How to utilize each and every person he could, what tactics would work best, and implementing contingency plans to each and every one.

He was stressed, she could see it in his weary green eyes, even when he smiled and laughed it off in that lackadaisical way of his. His ambitions were on the brink of being completely obliterated and he would stop at nothing to avoid it from happening. So she complied and talked each plan out, mapping everything and noting all the details in her tactician primer.

Through each encounter they had, the heaviness on Byleth's chest was all the more present. Where she had felt a lightness when she was with him, she now felt constriction. And this, this she couldn't explain and didn't know if she wanted to. Not at a time like this. Not at a time where chaos loomed in the distance. But that's exactly what she needed. She needed more time.

And after her last talk with the Golden Deer, with Claude choosing to stay behind to speak with her without the others around, her mind was left stirring. Too many thoughts and unfamiliar emotions to make heads or tails of. And so she made her way to her quarters in an attempt to organize these thoughts and compose herself once more.

Sitting at her desk with her primer before her, she tapped her finger against the wood; the sound too loud for the quietness of her room. The overwhelming weight on her chest and the feeling of lost time made her feel restless. A longing, perhaps? She couldn't understand these emotions welling within her.

It was at times like this she wished Sothis was still with her to help, but then again, maybe not. As Sothis was privy to sighing in exasperation every time Byleth couldn't grasp the full meaning of human emotions that others felt and she lacked. With a sigh, she closed her book and set it aside, pulling a piece of parchment before her.

With everything that's happened and the unknown lingering in the near future, she could try to write a contingency of her own for her fawns in the events that something happens to her or if they're separated in any way. It was for the best to make these advanced plans; after all, she knew her own habits in times of battle. To be the one to take the unnecessary risks so that the others wouldn't have to, no matter how upset it made them.

She wasn't accustomed to letter writing, but she could try. She should try.

To the Golden Deer House,

Golden Deer students,

My Golden Deer,

My darling fawns,

But with every attempt she made, she just couldn't get past the weight over her unbeating heart. The frustration that followed was also a new thing she'd come to experience. As if on cue, her mind flashed to her ever-present house leader and she started her letter again.

Dear Claude,

Though writing has never been my forte, I had the need to have this written out. I'm not sure if this letter will ever reach you, though I doubt it... should it, know that I am sure that the battle of Garreg Mach did not end the way we had all hoped it would – as pessimistic as that sounds – and I am sure Edelgard has triumphed in a devastating victory; the grueling hours running tactics...wouldn't have been enough, not this time. But maybe...maybe, by the goddess, I'll be wrong.

But here, now, mere hours before the battle, I know once we step foot onto that field all the Golden Deer will be shaken. More shaken then any battle we have faced up to this point and even more so from the reveal of the Flame Emperor. As the house leader, I know you will be a pillar to your classmates, to your friends. And though I cannot admit this, not here, you have been a support to me as well...more than you could ever hope to imagine.

I know that once we step onto the battlefield you'll look to me with that ever present smile that doesn't quite meet your eyes, but you'll do it for those around you; you'll look for encouragement and I will gladly provide it. Anything to reassure you.

But as you have asked of me, to stay by your side and not do anything reckless, I cannot.

I cannot make any promises. Not this time. And you knew it too, because as brief as it was, I saw it in your eyes. That what you were asking of me was not something I could provide.

You know I will do what is necessary. Though I have no intentions of throwing this life away, I will do what is absolutely necessary to protect you to protect those I have come to care for. As it was you that has taught me what an everlasting friendship is and how fulfilling it could be, you have taught me what it is to cherish–

Sighing to herself, she stopped writing and read over the letter, but it wasn't at all what she had intended to write to Claude. She hadn't meant to write a melancholic report of her soon-to-be actions or her predictions of how this battle would turn out given the great preparations the Emperor had already put into place. No. She wanted something more gratifying. Something that expressed more than her aloof nature. She wanted to try expressing herself in a way she was not familiar with– a task not so easily done.

With another sigh, she pushed the first parchment to the side and grabbed another. She would try again: without the pessimism, without scribbling things out, without withholding herself.

Claude.

How do I word this? The goddess told me, before our souls became entwined, to be honest with myself... and with others. But to what extent, I could never fully understand. The night of the ball she told me I am fond of you and I agreed with no hesitation, yet she sighed and called me hopeless. Was I not fond of you? I most certainly believed I was. But maybe that wasn't the correct word for it?

I've since come to realize that her acknowledgment had a deeper meaning than I could, rather can, comprehend. But I am giving it my best. So please understand. Though I have thought it over countless times since then, I still have not truly grasped her meaning, unfortunately. I have not the words for it. Not in the ways she had hoped for, at least.

You said our hearts are connected, that no matter what happens, we will find our way back to each other. Such words and my so-called fondness grows. Am I still hopeless? I have felt this warmth during our times together, a warmth different from what I feel when we are together with the other Golden Deer.

Words and emotions have never come easy to me, as I'm sure you've come to know, but after talks with Manuela, Hilda, and Dorothea, the only thing I can tie these unknown feelings to is the idea of falling in love. Have I truly fallen in love? With you? Is this truly what I have come to feel for you in the time we have gotten to know each other? And if so, I cannot say I am disheartened., but enlightened. Enlightened to know that I am capable of feeling such a precious thing.

Though I do not fully comprehend all that comes with being in love, of feeling such emotions for one person, if it is with you, I can learn to my fullest extent. To openheartedly embrace this affection that I'm sure Jeralt felt for his lost love.

...I suppose I have come to an understanding in writing this letter to you. It seems it is you that has helped me once again. But I've also come to the realization that the timing is not right and goddess knows if it ever will be. But I can hope.

I do not know if I intend for this letter to reach you, but if it does, know that my heart, though it does not physically beat, is all the lighter because of you.

I hope that we are able to get through this battle together. You, the Golden Deer, and all those that were helplessly dragged into this. And if we do, know that I will stay by your side, to help see that your ambitions come to fruition... and after, for as long as you will have me.

Byleth

With the last flourish of her signature, she let the ink dry before folding each parchment. The weight on her breast had alleviated and a minuscule smile curved her lips. Before she could decide what she would truly do with the letters a loud banging on her door interrupted her thoughts.

“Professor! Something to report! Lady Rhea demands your presence to the the front lines! The call to arms has arrived earlier than intended and the students and professors of the houses are waiting to be deployed!” The voice of the infamous gatekeeper was frantic, but that was understandable. It was time.

With measured steps, Byleth grabbed the Sword of the Creator from its resting place and sheathed it at her side, heading for the door and out to the front lines where her students awaited her.

The Battle of Garreg Mach would begin.