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“Makoto… It’s your fault in the first place! You had that thing inside you and didn’t even know it… You raised it, dammit! This is all your fault!”
“You’re supposed to be “special”, right!?”
It’s been 2 days since the gathering, but its effect still has not cooled off in Makoto’s head. The tension in the lounge, everyone’s silence, ended with Junpei’s bitter words. These memories are still lingering in his mind, refusing to leave his head.
Alone in his dark dorm room, with no light on and not a single ray of sunlight can get through the curtains, he is lying on his bed while staring at the ceiling blankly. He has skipped school and locked himself in this room for 2 days, not because he is lazy or tired. He just doesn’t feel like wanting to meet Junpei or any of his friends. He cannot predict what will happen when he meets him again. For the last 2 days, his friends have been trying to contact and call him, from Yukari to Akihiko and Ken.
That meeting is a nightmare, and the way he replied to Junpei was worse…
“You’re supposed to be “special”, right!?”
“I… I’m scared, too…”
“So what!? So now you’re scared!? Aren’t you supposed to be our leader!?”
And that was the final straw to the camel’s back. Makoto could not bear taking any more words from Junpei, nor did he want to reply, as he might take things too far and hurt the others’ feelings. So, he chose to run away from the group and hide from the problem. He could hear the others talking behind his back, but he cannot remember now. Everything else is just a hazy memory.
This memory has been haunting him, and not even the music from the cylindrical MP3 player can block or fade away its echo…
Makoto rises from his back, before rubbing his face and blinking his tired eyes a few times, which is the result of his sleep deprivation. Hopelessness and exhaustion are all he can only feel right now. He buries his head into his knees and begins to remember what happened that evening again, even when he does not want to.
‘This really is my fault… I am that pathetic, aren’t I?’ He mumbled, cursing himself for what had been going on. He can feel his eyes jerking some little tears, but he desperately tries not to let them fall.
He doesn’t want to go outside and meet anyone. He just doesn’t feel the courage to. In his mind, he sentences himself to be locked in this dorm room forever. This is his prison, and he will stay here for his guilt.
‘Knock, knock, knock!’
The sudden knock on the door brings Makoto back to reality. There is someone outside his room. However, being in the state he is in, he does not want to answer it. Therefore, he tries to ignore it, hoping that whoever is outside will just give up and go away.
But his persistence does not seem to work, as the knock only gets louder, almost sounding like they are about to slam it open.
“Makoto, it’s me! Can you open the door?”
It was Mitsuru, his senpai, and his girlfriend. They have been dating for a while. Even with the earphones in his ears, he can still hear her voice, the usual stiff but caring tone. He is reluctant to answer at first but still decides not to answer or open anyway. He pushes his earphones deeper, trying to block her call.
“Makoto, please… Open the door for me. We need to talk.”
But it was no use, as Mitsuru’s consistency was stronger, with louder knocks banging his chest. Giving up to that, Makoto reluctantly steps down from the bed, puts down his MP3 player, and heads to the door, before grabbing the knob and opening it.
Greeting him outside is Mitsuru, in her usual white blouse and dark skirt. She looks at him with a small, assuring smile, finally sees him again, and is satisfied to know that he is in his room. She is carrying two cups of green tea on the plates, intending to make one for her boyfriend. However, her smile fades away a little when she sees the bags under his tired eyes. Trying to hide her concern, she decides to speak first.
“Hey…” She whispered, “Is it okay for me to come in?”
In Makoto’s mind, he just wants to shut the door and return to his “tomb”, continuing his day of avoiding other people. However, his heart cannot agree with the same. He really wants to say something to reject her, but he cannot utter a word. Therefore, he steps aside for her to get inside, which she obliges.
Having put down the cups on the nightstand behind his bed, Mitsuru reaches for the light switch and flicks it on, lighting up the room in the process. She then joins Makoto and sits on the edge of his bed, who is sitting on the other side while bowing down his head, avoiding her gaze. Despite knowing there is a guest in his room, Makoto purposedly does not care about it. He grabs his MP3 player and plugs the earphones in his ears again.
“So… Exam days are coming…” Mitsuru broke the silence by speaking up first. “Have you been studying well?”
Mitsuru asked, but there was no response from him. She knows he can be quiet and shy, but she notices that his irresponsive manner today is unusual. Usually, she will scold anyone who has that habit, but just this time, she decides to be against it. Her caring for him has overwhelmed her anger, not just because he is her boyfriend, but because she can feel something is wrong with him in the last few days after the meeting.
Nonetheless, she decides to ask him more.
“All the lessons you have to revise for the test are very hard, right?” Mitsuru asked, “If you need, I can study with you.”
Once again, there is no response, and even Makoto is trying not to listen to her since he buries his head into his knees again. Impatience, along with anger, are starting to take over her. Trying her best to suppress it, she reaches for one of the cups of tea and offers it to Makoto.
“B-But first, are you thirsty, Makoto?” Mitsuru asked Makoto while offering him the tea, “I brewed some tea for you. This one is very good for your brain, helps you concentrate more in your study-“
Perhaps it was because of Makoto’s persistence in not wanting to reply or hear the other, he did something foolish. He repelled Mitsuru’s hand, which was holding the cup. Luckily, she can hold it tight, but gets the spilling hot tea on the sleeve of her blouse, straining it in a small, dark green spot, and some on her wrist, making her wince from the burn.
Makoto’s action is a surprise, not only to Mitsuru’s bewilderment but also to Makoto himself. He looks back in terror, realizing what he has done. He quickly removes his earphones, intending to apologize to her, but he cannot move an inch. He sees her putting down the teacup on the nightstand behind his bed and grabbing a piece of tissue to wipe her wrist. The atmosphere is so tense and quiet that he can even hear her heavy breathing.
Although her head bang is covering her face, he can imagine how enraged she is. Not wanting to meet her gaze, he quickly turns around and retorts, as the best thing he could think of at that moment is chasing her away from his room.
“W-What’s the matter with you-“
“I SHOULD BE THE ONE ASKING THAT!” Mitsuru suddenly loudly berated Makoto, completely stunned him, “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU, MAKOTO!?”
Makoto is so stunned that he cannot utter a single word. The guilty feeling from that meeting has once again returned to him. He bows his head in shame. He wishes they were in Dark Hour, and he could turn into a coffin, sheltering himself from Mitsuru’s rage, never returning to the world again.
Mitsuru does see his cowering self, but she cannot control her words, nor does she want to.
“You’ve been locking yourself in here for 2 days! You’ve been skipping school! Takeba and Akihiko could not call or contact you! Do you know how much shit I had to cover for you just because of your unreason absence!?” Mitsuru reprimanded him, and after taking a few seconds to breathe, she spoke up again, “We haven’t seen you since the meeting. Is there anything bothering you?” She asked again with a softer tone, but still with some sternness in it, worrying that she might have scared him.
Now Makoto just hates himself for rebutting Mitsuru. His feelings are mixed with flattered and scared. He is flattered because someone still cares about him, and there are at least some SEES members worried about him. After 8 months of fighting Shadows and conquering dungeons, going through hardships here and there, he finally has something to live for, somewhere to be called family.
However, he is scared. He is afraid of what is inside him, something Junpei claimed was the cause of the End of the World. He does not know if anyone can understand him, nor if anyone can help him get through all these messes in his head. He wanted to keep the shell of the leader, someone that is fearless, someone that can solve any problem. But that shell was completely shattered during the gathering, and he felt like he had disappointed everyone.
Moreover, he disappointed himself, and he felt… pathetic and useless…
“… So the “help him with his study” was a lie, huh?” Makoto asked bitterly, and although his voice was small, almost sounded like a whisper, Mitsuru could still hear him in the silent room.
“W-Well, not exactly…” Mitsuru said with a tint of blush on her face, “I mean… if you actually need help with the upcoming exam, I can study with you.”
“Good, then I don’t. You can leave now.” Makoto retorted.
“B-But, Makoto, I am here for you. I want to know about your problem.”
“Mine is not of your concern. Just leave the room, Mitsuru.”
“Makoto, I-“
“I DON’T NEED YOU, OKAY!?”
Makoto suddenly shouted out of his throat, and that was the final straw.
The room is filled with a horrifying silence. Makoto covers his mouth as soon as he realizes what he has just said, but it is too late. He turns his back on her, expecting anything that could happen: a hard slap on his face or a rapier piercing his guts.
However, all of those did not happen. All he can hear is the wimping sound of Mitsuru, while she is gritting her teeth to keep herself from sobbing. Tears are forming in her amber eyes and a few of them have dropped to the floor, damping some spots underneath. She raises her shaking hand, wanting to slap the bluenette as hard as she can, but she desperately fights back her anger. She balls it into a fist and smacks the futon underneath, wiping her tears with it, before turning to Makoto, who is cowering to realize his sin.
“F-Fine! Have fun isolating yourself, m-moron!” Mitsuru scolded him.
“Y-Yeah! Like I actually need your help with my problem!” Makoto gathered a bit of his remaining courage to fight back.
“G-Good! Suit yourself then!”
And they once again turn away from each other, remaining silent.
At this point, Mitsuru can just leave and continue her day. However, she knows best that she cannot do that. Like what she has said, she has a purpose for stepping into this room. She wants to know about his problem, and what has been bothering him inside his head. She wants to know why he ran away during the meeting. She wants to see if there is anything she can do to help him, but most importantly, to be by his side.
Mitsuru wants to do this because she truly is in love with him, and she cannot insist on another day without him in her life…
She knows that any attempt to talk to him right now would just anger him more and make the situation worse, so she just leaves him be. She wants him to take a few moments to calm down.
In the meantime, Mitsuru eyes around the room, observing what is surrounding her. She used to watch him through security camera footage, but she has not always stepped into his room to view it directly. She is glad that his room is tidier than she thinks. She looks at the number of books piling on top of his desk, relieved that despite skipping school, he still took some time to revise lessons. She looks at the cupboard and everything, but there is something that gets in her eyes.
Mitsuru notices a pile of eaten cup noodles under his desk, piling up to a small mountain. Assuming Makoto has never left the dorm, she can conclude that those are his main nutrients during his shut-in. This is not good for him, especially when exam days are coming, and he needs to be in the healthiest state possible.
“… Makoto, have you been-“
“Why are you still caring about me, Mitsuru?”
Mitsuru wanted to ask but was retorted by Makoto as soon as she could open her mouth. A bit stunned by his words, Mitsuru cannot utter anything.
“I did not fulfill my responsibilities as a leader. Everything I have ever done was just brings bad luck after bad luck, death after death, just another demise to this team.” He uttered, still avoiding her gaze while clinging to his chest tightly.
“Makoto…” Mitsuru turned to him; her voice had become softer, “You know that wasn’t true…”
“It is true!” Makoto objected, “Everything that is happening right now is my fault! Nyx, Chidori’s death, your father’s…”
Makoto wanted to finish his sentence, but something had stopped him from saying that, perhaps was a bang of guilt.
He curses himself for almost mentioning that. Although he isolates himself from everyone, the least he cannot afford to do is hurt Mitsuru’s feelings. Although now sheltering himself in his bitterness, he still cares about her. He is somewhat relieved that she came to see him…
… But Makoto is ashamed of himself. He is ashamed for letting her see his pathetic self of him. He is ashamed for letting her see this completely opposite image of his usual. No more the cool, collective, and calculative leader, just a fool trying to run away from his problem.
Most importantly, he hates himself to the guts for pushing her away from his life, for falsely claiming that he did not need her anymore.
“… Junpei was right…” Makoto smiled bitterly before it turned to a frown, “This was all my fault in the first place. If it wasn’t for me, SEES would not get in this much trouble…”
“Makoto, look, I-“ Mitsuru tried to call him, but all she got was a headshake from the cowering leader.
Makoto tries his best to remain calm, but it is a desperate effort. He hides his face in his knees again, his blue eyes glistening with unshed tears. He tries holding on to his dam of emotions, but he best knows that he cannot. He wishes that right now, Mitsuru would leave him, just let him alone in this room so he could let go of the pressure and cry silently for the rest of the day, just like back then when he was alone, remembering his long-gone parents.
Despite that, somewhere deep in his heart, he still wants to be a little selfish. He wants Mitsuru to unlock him from this chamber. He wants her to care more about him. He just wants to ensure that everything is all right.
But he knows that it is meaningless to think about that since he hurt her feelings, something he would not dare to do…
“I am not the leader you guys are looking up to. I do not deserve any of you…” Makoto confessed, “You’re right, I’m such a moron. I’m such a pathetic, useless loser, aren’t I…?”
Tears start forming in Makoto’s eyes, letting drops by drops on the bedsheet, dampening his shirt. His shoulders tremble, and his breaths are just ragged gasps. All he wants is some solace, but he knows that is just futile. He grits his teeth, trying to stop him from weeping, but it only gets louder and louder. He is aware that Mitsuru is still in the room, but he cannot do anything. He cries from his pain and shame, for letting her see this image of him.
If he had a chance, he would jump out of his bed and run somewhere else, just him and his loneliness. But he could not gather the strength to do so…
“I’m sorry, Mitsuru…” Makoto managed to utter a few words, “I don’t deserve you…”
However, what Makoto does not expect is a hand reaching for his shoulder. Jolted from the sudden touch, he pushes that away aggressively, before hugging his knees again. However, it keeps coming for him. But this time, it wraps its arm around his shoulders. The slender arm starts soothing his tense shoulders, trying to calm them down in a warm and caring way.
After that, Makoto feels someone hugging him from behind, wrapping their arms around his neck. It is Mitsuru, who also starts resting her chin on his head. With how close they are, he can hear her heartbeat, a music that is tender to his ears, a melody that none of the songs in his MP3 player could compete with.
“Makoto…” Mitsuru whispered to his ears, “Turn around.”
She ordered him in a stern tone, but he did not oblige. His body is still shaking from his weeping.
“Turn around, Makoto…” Mitsuru called for him with that tone again, but this time, it was softer, “… please?”
After a few seconds of hesitation, Makoto finally decides to turn around, and Mitsuru quickly retreats to her place. Seeing her boyfriend’s face right now just makes her let out a sad sigh: his red-shot eyes still glistening with tears; some small tear streams on his cheeks; his sniffing nose, with his quivering mouth, trying to keep himself from crying.
Makoto soon realizes it, so he bows his head again and avoids Mitsuru’s gaze. Despite that, his vulnerability gets the best of him, as he cannot help but look at her when she holds up his chin. She grabs a tissue and gently wipes his eyes with it, drying any tear marks that are left on his face,
“You know, Makoto…” Mitsuru said while wiping his tears, “Back then, during our trip in Kyoto, when I was feeling down and purposeless, someone gave me quite a smack across the face.” She said while slightly rubbing her cheek, reminiscing that night in Kyoto, “Do you still remember who did it?”
“… I’m sorry about that…” Makoto bowed his head after remembering it, but he earned a giggle from his girlfriend.
“It’s okay, I think I needed it.”
Mitsuru smiled it away, before proceeding to hold Makoto’s hands. He is jolted by her sudden touch, but his vulnerability and weak strength just allow her to touch them anyway. She lightly rubs her thumbs on his knuckles, trying to calm the trembling hands down.
“I was not the only one you helped,” Mitsuru said softly, “Without you, Takeba would not be such a confident and courageous girl like today. Without you, Junpei would still be a selfish prick that is still bickering about not being a leader.”
Mitsuru then noticed a frown on Makoto’s face, probably because she mentioned Junpei. She thinks she was a bit careless and unthoughtful for doing so, so she shakes her head and tries to progress with her talk.
“Look, what I want to say is… Makoto, you’ve been helping us a lot more than you thought.” Mitsuru added, “You said that you did not deserve us, but that’s not true. It should’ve been the opposite. We do not deserve you. You’ve been the beacon that has been guiding us throughout our journey.”
It is not always for Makoto to see this kindness from Mitsuru. He takes a glance at her face, and that frown or the rage aura from her is gone. In front of his face is a relaxed Mitsuru, with a reassuring smile and eyes conveying warmth and understanding.
More than anyone, Mitsuru knows that Makoto is in his most fragile state. What he needs right now is somebody by his side, and she is happy to take that role.
“Are they something a useless, pathetic loser would do? I don’t think so…”
Mitsuru tried to soothe Makoto. One of her hands reaches for his shoulder, rubbing it up and down. She mimics how her father used to console her when she was crying or feeling down. All the anger when she had to sort out stuff for his skipping school is gone. All the fear of potentially losing her life while facing the greater threat of the world has temporarily vanished.
Right now, her priority is Makoto, helping her leader, her boyfriend back to his feet.
“… And you know, regarding Ryoji, maybe we can…” Mitsuru continued, but she stopped when she felt something wet on her hand. She soon finds out that there are droplets of tears forming in Makoto’s eyes, and he is biting his lower lip and avoiding her gaze, trying not to sob.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Mitsuru asked concernedly and received another headshake from Makoto. Her question is similar to when she first got in his room, but this time, an answer is certain.
“N-Nothing, it’s just…” Makoto uttered, trying his best to process his feelings into words, trying his best to fight back the tears, “It’s been so long… since I received… this much care and warmth, ever since, you know, when my parents…”
Before Makoto could finish his sentence, Mitsuru immediately wrapped him in a hug and invited him to her warmth. She lets him rest his head on her shoulder while rubbing his back in a circle, comforting him. That was the final nail to the dam. His vision gets blurry when more tears come out. He cannot gather the last bit of strength to hug her back, so all he can do is cling his body to his only source of warmth, sobbing weakly on the crook of her neck.
“I’m sorry, Mitsuru…” Makoto stuttered, “I’m sorry for being weak, I’m sorry for shouting at you… Please… don’t leave me, Mitsuru… I don’t want to be alone… I’m so sorry-“
With all his fear and weakness, Makoto confessed those words as he broke down into tears. However, he was cut off when he felt Mitsuru plant a kiss on top of his head while running her fingers through his silky, blue hair, hopefully calming him down.
“It’s okay… it’s alright… It’s okay to be weak…” Mitsuru said while comforting him, “I’m not gonna leave you. I’ll never leave you. We’ll get through this together, okay?”
The feeling of loneliness, the darkness that used to surround the room, the tension between two people just minutes ago in this place… All of those have long gone. It is now the feeling of warmth, of two people accompanying each other. It is now the light from the ceiling, not as bright as the sunlight outside, but is still enough to light up the hearts of each other. The tension is replaced by care, as this couple has gotten each other by their sides.
To Mitsuru, this is about returning the favor and taking care of her boyfriend after all he has done for her, thanks to the light of the beacon that leads her to this very day. To Makoto, this is about finding a source of comfort, ensuring that he is not alone. The feeling of pathetic or uselessness is now gone, replaced with the reassurance of knowing someone is still out there looking for him, making sure to pick him up and gather his pieces.
Just like how he has done, not only to Mitsuru but to the others of SEES.
Because, after all, no one can live alone.
“… Hey Mitsuru…” Makoto spoke first while resting his forehead on her crook. Mitsuru frowned when she could hear the raspiness in his voice, but at least she was glad that he had stopped crying.
“… Hm?” Mitsuru hummed back.
“Can I… get my execution now?”
“F-For what!?” She exclaimed, accompanied by some giggles.
“You know… skipping school, lashing out at you…” He whispered, “Just… I don’t know, give me the hardest slap to the face as you can or pierce your rapier up from my ass…”
“You know what? Maybe we can discuss it another day. But for now…”
They both let go of themselves from the hug, despite if Makoto has to be honest, he would like to stay like that for a bit more time. Mitsuru looks at the blue-haired boy’s face again, letting out a sigh of relief. The painful look on his face is no more, and while there are still marks of his tears left under his blue eyes and cheeks, his warm smile is back on his face, the smile that she loves so much, the smile that she is never tired from seeing it. Reaching out her thumbs to wipe the remaining tears, she cannot help but smile back.
Perhaps her leader, her boyfriend’s image has not yet been restored completely, but at least she can see some glimpse of it.
“But for now…” Mitsuru said, before clearing her throat, reverting to her student council president mode, “… You still have to go to school, mister! You have tests next week. That’s enough skipping for you!”
“Yes, I know…” Makoto said while bowing his head in shame, and scratching the back of his neck.
“However…” Mitsuru continued while grabbing the cups of tea on the nightstand, which had been cooled off while they were arguing and consoling, “As I said, I am here to help you with your study.” She handed Makoto one of the teacups, “And after the exam, maybe we can hang out somewhere after school, or just stay here with each other, just you and me, clearing our heads and so on. We can talk about the decision regarding Ryoji on another day if that is fine with you.”
“… Yeah, I guess that’s totally fine.”
Makoto said while taking a sip from his tea. Although the taste has been cooled off, he can still taste its aroma on his tongue. It is the usual soothing, earthy taste, clearing his head from all the messes he has been handling. It is more special that this tea was brewed by Mitsuru herself, as he just wants its flavor to linger on his tongue forever…
Just like how he has missed her, wanting her to be by his side.
“Hey Mitsuru, before we start our study…” Makoto turned to Mitsuru and requested while blushing across his face, “Can we be like… that… again?”
“… Sure, just a couple more minutes is fine.”
Mitsuru puts down her cup on the nightstand along with Makoto, before moving closer to him. As soon as he is near her again, she immediately wraps her arm around his neck and lets him rest his head on her shoulder, before also resting her head on top of his as well.
Needless to say, he is blushing crazily from this sudden action, as he feels his heart might explode or fly right off his chest from his death of embarrassment. He is thankful that his stomach starts growling just after that. It sure is humiliating letting your girlfriend hear your hungry guts, but it is no match against what situation he is in right now.
“I think Akihiko is having an evening training at his boxing club, and Takeba is still training at her archery club,” Mitsuru giggled, “And I doubt that the other is coming home anytime soon. Shall we get something for dinner? You must be very hungry from eating those cup noodles.”
Makoto soon realized that Mitsuru had noticed the pile of cup noodles earlier.
“… Yeah, let’s go grab some dinner.” Makoto answered, “I can’t be in this position any longer.”
“Why? I thought you wanted to stay like this.”
“Well, for some reason… I’m starting to think you’re more like my mommy than my girlfriend.”