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It must be way past midnight and the moon is almost down, judging on the pearly light flowing through the window. Alec blinks his eyes open; he rested a couple of hours and now sleep evades him. He’s wide awake.
But he’s not the only one, clearly, since he turns his head toward the other side of the bed, that is empty and cold, when he reaches out a hand to touch the pillow.
Magnus can’t sleep either.
He grabs the handle hanging from the steel pole of his bed and pulls himself up to sit, leaning onto the headboard and running a tired hand through his hair. A look at his clock tells him it’s almost three, later than he thought. Shit, they’re supposed to get up at six, get ready, drive a couple of hours to reach the Institute, sign all the last documents, have a light meal and then come back. A busy and demanding day.
Alec stares at the void. Will everything be fine? Could they find some trick to play to deny them the baby they already feel as their son? Will the baby come willingly with them or will he throw a tantrum, fearing to be taken away from the only family he’s known so far?
You’re overthinking, he hears Magnus say in his mind. And speaking of Magnus, he thinks he knows where his husband might be. He grabs his chair that’s next to his side of the bed, as usual, moves to sit on it and taking a breath he rolls to the adjacent room. They got it cutting down part of their large bedroom and part of Magnus’ walk-in closet and joining them to create a small bedroom for their little one. Only a door separates the two rooms, so as they can be as close as possible to the new member of their family.
Magnus is there, sitting on the small bed covered with a white duvet printed with cute dinosaurs. Fluffy pillows are scattered on the whole bed and a giant white teddy bear, a blue ribbon around his neck, is set onto one of them. It’s one of Jace’s gifts, and they wondered if it’s going to scare Rafael, since it’s almost bigger than him. There’s a medium-size wardrobe containing the result of a few crazy shopping missions – not only by Magnus but also by Maryse, Cat, Isabelle, Clary… Alec repeatedly told that the boy wasn’t going to wear everything they bought, first, since he’ll likely grow up and second because kids need to wear comfortable clothes to hang around, and run and play and get dirt, not look like pretty Princes or Princesses.
Empty words. Alec has given up soon.
There’s also a bookshelf, now mostly full of toys and a few books, and in a corner stands a small tent shaped as a castle, with other pillows inside. Next to it, a small desk with a dinosaur-shaped lamp onto it.
“Hey,” Alec tries, “can’t sleep?”
“Neither do you,” Magnus notes without lifting his gaze from the bed.
Alec rolls closer and takes his hand. “Scared?”
Magnus takes a deep breath. “Terrified. What if I can’t be a good father? What if my cursed blood makes me a bad person and I can’t make him happy? Such a short life and he suffered already too much.”
“You can’t be anything else but a good father, my love. We’re not our blood, we’re our deeds, you fought all your life to be a good man and look what you got. A great job, a family and friends who love you. Why your son shouldn’t? And don’t forget your parents were mostly unlucky, they weren’t bad people at all. And look what you gave me, what you made of me...a happy man!”
Magnus smiles faintly.
“It’s not that. I’m afraid I can’t give him what he deserves. I’m afraid he might get disappointed.”
Alec sighs and squeezes his hand.
“Magnus, he’s five years old, what he needs now is someone who loves and takes care of him. Someone who makes him feel safe and protected. Isn’t it what we all need, eventually? I think... I think that being a parent is sort of work-in-progress, something you learn as time goes by, you know? When things happen, you will know what to do. It’ll be fine, even when, or if, you have no answers. You’ll always have your love and support to offer him.”
Magnus keeps on brushing the duvet absentmindedly, but he lifts his eyes, looking tenderly into Alec’s.
“Thank you, my love. You always find the right words to give me solace.”
He stands up and kisses his husband. “Maybe we should try to get some sleep, right?”
Alec smiles. “We should.”
**
Everything goes smoothly at the Institute and they finally can climb up onto their car and head home, Rafael safely tucked into his baby seat in the back. He hasn’t pronounced more than a few words since when they entered the Institute. He met them before and came to know them, he looks trustful but no doubt all this is quite alarming for him. He left a somehow familiar environment. He’s going to live with them in a totally new place – they showed him some pics of the villa – and there will be other people in there. They told him he’s going to meet his grandparents and aunts and uncles, all waiting for him. It’s all very new indeed. And yes, scaring, his fathers can get it.
The first time he met them, he asked Alec why he wasn’t standing, using that chair with wheels instead. Was he too tired to walk? Alec had explained him, with careful words, that he couldn’t walk anymore because his back had been hurt and couldn’t tell his legs to work. Rafael had climbed on the wheelchair, silently hugging him tight, and there hadn’t been a single dry eye in the room.
Since then, their bond had been growing and had included mornings playing in the garden of the Institute, afternoons with movies and ice-creams, talks about the new home he was going to live in. And new people to meet.
**
Magnus drives the car at the entrance of the villa and drops Alec and Rafael. Alec puts Rafael on his lap and kisses him.
“Now we wait for Magnus, so we can walk in together. You’ll see, everyone wants to meet you, they’re so excited. Are you feeling okay, hun?”
Rafael nods slowly.
“¿Vas a ser mi papi?” He understands English but when he’s emotional he tends to fall back into his mother language.
“Yes, of course. If you are fine with me to be.”
“¿Y Magnus?”
“Magnus is my husband, so he’ll be your daddy too.”
Rafael seems to think about that very thoroughly. He’s not very talkative, but they don’t know yet if it’s his own nature or he’s simply a bit overwhelmed. Maybe both.
Meanwhile, Magnus is back, and starts pushing the wheelchair inside.
Rafael looks fascinated at the lionhead on the front door and points to it gaping.
“Wow…” he whispers. Magnus and Alec smile.
“It’s our watch-lion,” Magnus says, “he doesn’t move now because you’re part of the family, but it can be very scary toward bad guys. It protects us.”
The smile on Rafael’s lips is priceless.
“Let’s go inside, to meet the rest of us.” Rafael’s smile fades instantly.
“Don’t be scared, pumpkin,” Magnus says softly, stroking his hair, “everyone is happy to have you and loves you already.”
“No puede ser, no me conocen!”
“We talked about you a lot,” Alec states, “so they know you already. Almost.”
Rafael looks puzzled. They move to the side entrance and finally they’re in. Rafael looks around in awe, it’s all so big! The room, the doors, the stairs. And in front of them, there are big people. Two older ones, a man and a woman – abuelo y abuela? Four younger – tías y tíos? And among them, un perro! Muy grande!
Before they can stop him, an enthusiastic Matt runs toward Alec, happily barking.
Rafael quickly rushes down Alec’s lap wide-eyed, trembling. Too many people, too much noise. Frantically sucking his thumb, he crouches down behind Alec's chair, gripping one of the wheels. While trying to calm down Matt, Alec reaches out a hand and Rafael takes it in a deadly grasp, like a lifeline.
“Don’t be scared, baby! His name is Matt and he’s a good doggy, he’s only happy to see us.”
Very carefully, and still hiding behind Alec, Rafael reaches out a hand, letting Matt sniff. Matt licks it and barks again.
“See,” Alec says, “he wants you and he to be friends.”
Rafael takes a deep breath and slowly comes out of his safe place. Meanwhile Maryse and Robert have come closer. They sit on the floor and smile at him.
“Hey, Rafael, we’re your gramps,” Maryse says, “grandma and grandpa. Welcome home.”
She offers him her hand palm up and suddenly Rafael is curled between her arms, while Robert hugs them from behind. Magnus feels tears pricking his eyes and takes Alec’s hand; Alec looks up at him and he’s clearly as affected as Magnus. Everything’s going to be fine indeed.
**
They choose to not overwhelm Rafael too much – it’s his first night in his new home, after all – so Alec and Magnus take him to his bedroom, with a simple sandwich as his dinner, and some fruit juice. Rafael is so astonished that he leaves his half-eaten sandwich on the desk and starts walking around, reverently touching the furniture, and stops in front of the shelves where the toys are on display.
“¿Puedo tocar?” he asks timidly.
Magnus and Alec look at each other, swallowing.
“It’s all yours,” Magnus whispers.
Rafael opens his eyes wide, but he’s too emotional and watches only, as if he didn’t dare to go beyond that.
He looks exhausted, and his eyelids start drooping.
“I think it’s time for bed,” Alec says, and Rafael nods.
They take him to the bathroom, show him his green, crocodile-shaped toothbrush, and choose to postpone the shower until tomorrow. After helping him to freshen up – he’s already so gone he lets them handle him without complaining – they make him wear a fluffy pajama, and finally – finally – he’s tucked under a soft, warm blanket.
“Do you want us to let the small light on, baby?” Alec asks.
Rafael nods.
“Our bedroom is right behind your door, we leave it ajar so call if you need something,” Magnus adds.
Rafael nods again.
They kiss him. “Goodnight baby…”
“Buenas noches daddy. Buenas noches papi” he whispers.
Magnus and Alec retreats in their room without speaking, hands joined, hearts full.