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An expedition always came with massive losses. This one was no exception, but personal deaths were always horrifying. I was, along with every squad captain no stranger to those ether. Seeing someone losing their entire team is horrible. The survivors guilt, the what ifs and the spiraling.
But as a captain i know its our responsibility to be strong and caring towards our squad- or what’s remained of them. they all died. I want to convince myself that they died fast and didn’t feel that much pain, or they died for a good course, but right now they all feel like lies. Telling their families is always the hardest thing i have to do.
‘Stop. You can do this hysteria later,’ I mumble to myself as i force my head away from my dead cadet and slap myself to take control of it again. We’re still in the middle of this mission, and a few dead friends should never stop me from completing my task.
we are in the outer space of wall Maria trying to manage the make best of the situation, if that's even possible right now. titans-or a human, the hole doesn't look like a titan has done it- crushed the walls so now the other ones are getting in. The view is disturbing to say the least. Dead all around, the ones there is no way saving are screaming with all that's left in them and who knows how many are still in there- I have to remind myself again to shut these out, i can worry about it later, for now there is only one thing to do-
kill as many of these assholes as possible. I jump from the rooftop into the endless titans, leaving my cadet’s body. I slash a titans nape with one fast blow and move onto my next victim. I see a cadet struggling to deal with an abnormal so i join in. At least i can save them.
‘Where is the rest of your team? You shouldn't be alone.’ I ask her after swiftly handling the situation. In the back of my mind I'm hoping that the answer wouldn’t be death, just in case i put on a poker face.
‘umm thanks for the help’ She said visibly distressed. Judging by that reaction it was her first expedition, poor girl getting her first real experience with this is not gonna do her much good. I try to give her a reassuring look but that's not my forte.
‘I just saw them over there’ she points with her head but its shaking so much its hard to get anything out of it. ’Ill go join them. Again thanks for the help.’ She swings away. I do the same.
after that, my body is on auto mode. Swing, neck, swing legs, wing neck, repeat. There was no strength left in me and i just wanted to stop for a minute but if i would i knew couldn't get up again. So much of that color code Hange made was in the air one can hardly see through it but it’s not stopping anyone. We all know how much is depending on us clearing out the space while the other can flee.
Suddenly i hear a loud noise. I finish with my current victim and go up to the walls to inspect. It was the signal that meant the fight was over. I desperately wanted to find the my te-it will take some time to really realize they are no more. My knees buckle but i keep myself standing. If don't sit down soon my body will collapse.
Next to the wall was a quickly build station we did on all expeditions. I just sat down on a bench in front of one of the main huts next to a cadet with their face in their hands. As i look around i see people eather crying, hugging each other and barley moving a muscle from still being in shock. The adrenalin was wearing off and they just realizing the losses, the same happening to me.
Some liquid is dripping down into my eyes from my head. Its weird because Titan blood should’ve went away by now, and i didn't have any head injuries. That is when it hit me. It was their blood. my squad is dead. Again. Every close friend i have- had, is getting ripped to shreds in the walls while i sit on a little bench. I take a closer look at the man next to me and realize its captain Ackerman. We probably look the same now: bruised, uniforms tainted by blood that's not ours, and ripped in a few places and hints of dirt and colors from the flares.
We literally never talked, but became cadets then captain around the same. For a few years we even shared a squad. We were in the same room most of our carrier. We are both closed off so we never got deeper than talking during meetings. I must’ve been staring at him for a while, because he looks up from his hands into my eyes waiting me to say something. When we lock eyes it hits me. From our year of cadets we were the last ones standing. From our old squad everyone died long ago. His family, that nice girl and boy i cant even remember the name of are dead. So is my old best friend whom we joined to the corps together. Its seems a different world remembering back to it, with one constant.
Ackerman. He was always there. everyone else coudn't live up to the standards of this life but we did. he did, he was always there with me and i cant even recall the names of his dead family. I don't think we even called each other by our first names yet, but it feels like a decade since we first started as cadets.
Seeing my face deep in thought and bloody he stated that i wont be talking anytime soon, so he went back to his hands, but a spoke up in the last second.
‘I guess you’re my best friend now.’ He quickly looked back to me and than around for whom I was speaking to, but when he realized it was him he looked at me weirdly, like I had three heads. ‘By default. Sometimes i forget we even know each other but now your the one i know the most about, and that's not really a compliment.’We both frowned ‘That came out wrong. I didn't mean it to sound bitchy.’
For a few seconds we just stared at each other blankly but i think he realized what i was saying and I saw two thing in his eyes. Pity, not for me but for my cadets. I liked that. And recognition.
‘You’re YN.’ His voice was weak. He probably lost most of his voice giving orders for his team. I don't have to worry about that for a while. ‘If its any consolation i saw two of your squad going down. It was not your fault. You fought well.’ He tilted his head up towards the still dirty sky, resting his head on the tent behind him and took a deep breath. Even looking like a corpse he was still beautiful. As that thought came up my mind my brows knitted- Its an objective observation, not a love confession. Not like i know more than two things about this man anyways.
‘As for the friend part, my pool of best friends candidates just got significantly smaller so you’re in luck.’ He looked into my eyes, but still kept his head upwards. ’If you’re interested you could join in to missions while you short things out. I’ll keep you busy.’ With that he closed his eyes once again. I considered the conversation over. I mimicked his movement and tried to tidy up my mind and maybe even rest a little.